Awaken Wild One - Unleash your best life!
After surviving narcissistic abuse by my father, and two ex-husbands, I experienced the "dark night of the soul" about six years ago. During my last marriage, I felt the greatest pain of my 40 years of life, with a complete loss of my sense of self, confidence, and ability to navigate my circumstances in a secure and productive way. I made the decision to take my life back and then came...the awakening. Through spiritual exploration, deep self evaluation and healing, self-care, self-discovery, and fun, the Wild One in me was re-born! I'm fresh and new like the dreamy state of a child, with the internal fortitude of a strong, independent, adult. The magnificent transformation of my life year- after- year has felt like a renaissance of self. And, the more I become my authentic self, the happier and more abundant my life has become. This podcast is my gift to survivors. I will help you learn from my journey; how to know you're a victim, how to leave the conditioned state of being narcissistic supply, and most importantly, how to thrive, succeed, and truly live after the awakening! I am here to show you, you are not alone, healing is possible, and now is time to unleash your best life!
Awaken Wild One - Unleash your best life!
Manipulation Layers - what tactics have you recognized from the narc?
Ever realized someone was still pulling your strings years after you thought you'd cut them loose? That's exactly where I found myself recently—seven and a half years after leaving my narcissistic marriage, discovering brand new layers of manipulation I hadn't even recognized.
The shocking truth? I'd been conditioned to believe I was making good parenting choices by "keeping the peace," when in reality, I was allowing my ex to continue controlling my life through our child. It took a former partner (a therapist with decades of experience) to point out this painful truth—my ex was still manipulating my schedule, my relationships, and my peace through carefully crafted situations involving our son.
In this raw, unfiltered episode, I break down a recent interaction where my ex tried to manipulate me into taking over childcare for our sick son so he could go golfing. I walk through the multiple layers of this manipulation—from "praise baiting" by reminding me of past good deeds, to creating anxiety in our child that I'd have to soothe, to presenting himself as considerate for "checking with me first" when really he was just looking for an out from his parental responsibilities.
What makes this kind of manipulation so damaging is how it affects children. My son has developed anxiety around doing anything that might upset his father, including me dating or having my own social life. He's internalized his father's reactions as somehow being his responsibility. The heartbreaking reality of narcissistic co-parenting is that our children become unwitting pawns in a game they never asked to play.
If you're struggling with a narcissistic co-parent, this episode offers validation, strategies for setting boundaries, and most importantly, hope. Because as I've discovered, healing isn't just about surviving—it's about thriving in your own renaissance of self-discovery. The journey may not be linear, but every time you recognize manipulation and choose differently, you're taking a powerful step forward.
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Unleash your best life!
Thank you. You are listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm your host, trish Stanford. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, this podcast is my gift to other survivors. I am here to show you healing is possible and guide you in all of the ways that you can get to your very best life as soon as possible.
Speaker 1:I want to talk about manipulation Quite frankly right in this moment, because I am heated. I'm heated as fuck and having PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder and ADHD and their effect on one another, I know that I am more amped right now than I would be in some other phases of my cycle. I am also embracing the fact that, while societally done, these mood disorders but mood shifts that menstruating people across the planet deal with on a cyclical basis, similar to other non-menstruating people on this planet have a cycle circadian rhythm every 24 hours. So can we embrace that this huge portion of our population finds themselves in this particular phase of their cycle and other phases, but in my specific case, my luteal phase is a living nightmare. We'll get into PMDD and some other conversation, but it is making me acutely aware to that and just my dang overall spiritual narcissistic abuse awakening. Seven and a half years in, I've seen these things before, but they're hitting different. They're hitting different.
Speaker 1:I feel like this last, if you heard one of my last podcast episodes I was talking shockingly aware of how easy it is to slip back into that old conditioning. If you're, I mean really, I don't have the advice to tell you how to protect yourself from that, other than what I'm going to walk day by day from here on forward so I'll definitely fill you in on that because I full relapsed and was highly considering going back, and I'm just looking at that version of myself that wasn't even that long ago, it just hit one year. And I look at her and I'm like, wow, we were so far past this, yet had more learning to do. Anyway, here I am, here I am in that learning and the manipulation, the manipulation, the manipulation. So many layers deep. Let me just set up a scenario for you so that you can understand all these layers that I'm looking at Because, quite frankly, I would really like your assessment on this. Do you see manipulation to the levels that it goes? How many levels am I missing? Somebody fucking tell me, because I do not want to go into this blindly anymore. I am over it. I've hit the pain point. I've hit the frustration point. I've also hit the happiness and peace point in the life I've created over seven and a half years here on my own, and I am just not fucking willing to give that away. Ever, ever, ever, ever. And he started fucking with my piece again. So I left again. Of course, I bounced as soon as it came back but, man, the love bombing was working really damn well, really fucking well. I was getting so sucked in. All right, anyway, manipulation. Here's the scenario. My family makes fun of me because I always give way too many details to give a story. So does my son. But love me for it, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So I, a year ago, a little over a year ago, was in a newly budding relationship with a man significantly older than me, exceedingly intelligent, athletic, fit, 65 years old. This man had one of the best bodies I'd seen on a human and it was just because of his life. It was just the way that he lived. He was not lifting and taking testosterone and doing all the things, he just was living and had lived like that for pretty much his whole life. Therefore, at 65 was just killing. It Didn't look 65 at all, didn't act 65 at all but came with a 65 year old brain, 65 year old heart and 65 years worth of wisdom and empathy. And, oh my Lord, I mean I was close to falling head over heels for this guy. He just was great.
Speaker 1:There were some life things that didn't work for us. I'm 20 years younger than him. He had an outrageous fear of his age and having a young partner that would have to spend her life taking care of him. How sweet is that. How sweet and kind is that. Now, did it take over his ability to commit time to me at that point? Yes, do I feel like it should have? No, we could have shared five, 10 amazing years together before anything like that happened. But I digress. Maybe he was looking at he didn't say that he was looking for a marriage, but maybe he was and if he was looking for a life partner probably wanted somebody that was at the same pace. I have an 11-year-old son, me having the commitments of an 11-year-old son and an age of I mean it's going to be. We have eight more years of school before he even looks to be out of the house, and this partner of mine was already enjoying that empty nest and had weathered all of his commitments and my commitments didn't jive with his retirement. You can't just travel whenever you want. You can't just spend an entire Sunday during football season off in the mountains, like I get it. So, anyway, that's why we ended things.
Speaker 1:But it had nothing to do with personality or emotional intelligence and he was a therapist, licensed therapist, practicing for a very long time, very long time, lots of, lots of interactions with clients, and one of the things he pointed out to me was that my ex was still manipulating me and I knew it. But here's that first layer. I thought that I was being a good mom, doing what was best for my kid by keeping the peace. Now my ex would point out, my ex, no, my former partner. I'm not going to call him an ex, he deserves better than that. My former partner pointed out that he could understand why I felt like I was doing the right thing and genuinely believed to my core that I felt like I was doing the right thing. However, I had been conditioned in to feeling that way by the narcissist, conditioned in to feeling that way by the narcissist. Therefore, it was another layer of how the narcissist was winning, because I was so bought in that I gave myself credit for it. My mind was just like shit. You're right. You're absolutely right, because now I'm looking at what happened today.
Speaker 1:My son is at dad's over this weekend this was 4th of July weekend. He's over there, his scheduled time. His dad, my ex Ex. Take the E off. It's literally just hold your hands up in an X. Take the E off. It's literally just hold your hands up in an X. That's how I need to see him, because no, no, no, no, no, no girl, get it together.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I get a call this morning and he begins to talk about himself. And this is how he, every conversation he has if someone is having a communication about someone else or themselves, before that conversation is over, he will put in at least one sentence about himself. It will be in the response. You know where some of us will just nod and give empathy and say, oh my gosh, I can't believe you're going through that. Or I'm sorry you're going through that. Or wow, I hear you, that's insane. He will shift and manipulate that final I'm listening to you sentence into something about himself, and I know this to be true of him. So while he starts talking about himself, I'm not surprised, I'm annoyed, because that's the phase I'm in right now in my grieving process. I'm in the anger phase, I'm in the like fucking fuck phase, and so I am watching for the reminders of why he's the big. Hold your arms up in anx, because I can't, I can't go back there.
Speaker 1:So I'm watching him or listening to him talk about himself, and the other thing he throws in is reminiscing. He reminisces of things that before I have given him credit for. It's like he keeps a log of former moments of praise. He, he can't remember shit. He can't remember fights, he can't remember memories. He threw his wedding ring at me right after we got married and it hit the corner of a wall with rounded corners. There's like a metal roundy piece underneath the paint and it chipped his titanium ring to the point where we had to get him a new wedding ring. Red flag, red flag, alarm, alarm. Didn't listen. We went and got him a new wedding ring and I had engraved something on the inside, and so we re-engraved it on the inside, but when he went to go get it fixed, he picked a different font and when I got it I was like oh, that's not the original font. Like you didn't even know your wedding ring well enough to know, like, if you don't recognize the font, ask the woman who bought it for you anyway. So what was my whole point about this Shoot? Okay, there's the ADHD Hold on memory. That's where we were at. Okay, so he doesn't remember things like that. This came up the other day and he couldn't remember the circumstances about why he needed a new wedding ring. But he'll remember the list of things I praise him about.
Speaker 1:And one of the things I praised him about was my oldest son. When he was about my youngest son's age right now, so in his preteen years, was a very violent vomiter Trigger. Warning anybody with a metaphobia, skip for the next 45 seconds. Anyway, so he vomits all over the bathroom, everywhere but the toilet, and I got up, was checking on. My son saw this mess. My ex-husband heard the commotion, was like what's going on? I was like, oh, he just destroyed the bathroom. I was gathering up towels, gathering up the 409, get ready to go clean. And he was like, let me handle it. He's like you know that I don't. I have a sensitive gag. Reflex smell really gets to me, especially the vomit smell and the visuals. Reflex smell really gets to me, especially the vomit smell and the visuals. I'll struggle for a week to eat, but it's my kid, so I'm going to fucking clean it up. But he was like let me do it. I don't have the same reaction you do, it's just cleaning. I'm like all right.
Speaker 1:So I have forever appreciated that he has brought that up in so many scenarios because we called it the crime scene. It looked like a crime scene when you walked in, and so he'd be like remember that night that I got up and cleaned up the crime scene? I mean, he just brought it up. My son is in his mid twenties now, so this is 15 years and he brought it up at the campfire the other night at a family party. Oh, you know, I'm just the stepdad that'll clean up the crime scene. And then he'll like look at me and wait for me to finish the story, because he knows he's got me trained to just, oh, give context to the story in front of people instead of looking at him and being like go fuck yourself, I don't want to talk about that Anyway. So he keeps these things that I praise him about.
Speaker 1:So he calls me this morning and he says, well, had to clean up another crime scene. I was like, wait what? I know exactly what he's doing and I just want him to I don't even know Archelated himself in the hopes that maybe at some point he's going to realize how ridiculous he sounds. But he doesn't. The bait never lands. So I was like huh, and he's like CJ. Cj was sick last night.
Speaker 1:So here I'm thinking you're calling your son's mother to let her know that her baby is sick, that he was up in the middle of the night getting sick. That's what I want to know. I want to know if he's okay. I want to know if it continued all night. I want to know now that in the morning, is he still asleep? Does he have a fever? Has the diarrhea started? Are we looking at a virus here, or did he eat something bad? What did he eat?
Speaker 1:I want the details about my kid, but he skipped right over the kid so he's, you know, explaining when my, my other son, had gotten sick. And I'm just listening to it, Like knowing all he's doing is calling me for praise. He knows that he needs to let me know that my kid's sick, but he could have texted that he could be calling for that, but he's he is praise baiting me. So I just, oh, wow, wow, oh, my poor baby. So I made it all about my baby, is he okay? I started asking all the questions and you could just tell that he was getting annoyed that I didn't, you know, feed into it. And I was like, oh man, well, call me when he wakes up. That was it. Oh, okay, well, I guess I'll let you go then. All right, call me when he wakes up. Bye, and I hang up. I'm so done getting sucked into this shit. So I was just waiting.
Speaker 1:I was like this is the beginning of him asking me to watch my son. Not necessarily because he well, no, he does. He avoids watching my son anytime he has something else that he wants to do, but he also avoids watching our son when he has to give something up. He's perfectly fine shifting the give up, the sacrifice to me. He does not ever first think I should make a sacrifice for this. Right now. This is my job as a parent.
Speaker 1:That was part of the problem when we were married. Was everything child related fell on me? It was one of those you know single motherhood marriages where I just did everything. I did everything, and to the point where, when we were talking about custody, I was absolutely shocked that he asked for 50-50. I knew that he only asked for 50 50 because his ego wouldn't allow him to be a quote deadbeat dad Cause he says it all the time. But then I was like I'm going to have to expect him to show up for his own 50, 50. And that is what I have attempted to do.
Speaker 1:One of his manipulations that he doesn't realize blew right back in his fucking face is our whole marriage. He would call it 50, 50. So income needed to be 50, 50, time needed to be 50, 50, but only if the 50, 50 leaned his direction. So he hated it when I would throw it back in his face and so I am using it. I'm using it against him. Remember 50, 50,? This is your time. Oh, 50, 50. Here we are 50, 50. You won't pay me child support, but you expect child support 50, 50. Got to lead in your direction. So I was just waiting. I was like when is he going to call me and ask me to watch this kid so he can do something?
Speaker 1:He uses his. He has a coaching job. It is a job. He gets paid for it. He shows up every day. He works it like a job. It is also his praise mechanism and his supply. It is the supply outside of the negative supply that he tries to get from our entire relationships. He collects praise specifically from moms. So, coaching these kids, he loves the praise from the kids, but he extra loves the praise from the moms because he's got fucked up, mom, all the things.
Speaker 1:Anyway, he uses this coaching job, it's my job and then. But he also has a full-time job. He's got a normal full-time job but I'm supposed to look at his whole package of work as his job and then I can't have another job. Like me having another job is me doing something extra with my time. Why would I do that? Why would I? Why would I give up time with my son to choose to go do something else? But when you look at him, he says it's my job and I'm like not, if you only worked your full-time job, well, I can't afford life without my bullshit. He's a trust fund kid, can't afford life without my other job, so I have to have it. He's got all the excuses worked out, anyway, so I was just waiting for this to come up.
Speaker 1:He considers other things to be part of his quote job which is anything extra that he does with the kids or the parents that he coaches. So he goes and does a holiday parade or the kid plays a second sport. He'll go watch that second sports. You know event, oh, graduation parties, all those kinds of things. I love it, don't get me wrong. I love it. I'm here to support those kids. Coaches were a huge impact in my life. This is all coming from a place of love and empathy for coaches of the world.
Speaker 1:Yet this particular coach also happens to manipulate the people in his life in order to not handle his responsibilities due to this coaching job. So there are some nuances to it, but I'm just waiting for him to call and ask me for something in relationship to that. Fast forward to current. He calls, he says, oh, I just don't know what to do. He also knows that he leaves my son alone too often and for too long. There's been a few instances where he'll tell my son not to call me because he doesn't want me to know how long he's going to be alone, and then he'll door, dash in meals and my kid will be unattended for like the entire course of a day and have to put in, eat his own dinner and put himself to bed before my ex will show up to take care of him. But he doesn't want me to know that because he doesn't want the feedback that he's being a shit parent. So when I have caught him doing that, of course he gets mad at the kid for me finding out instead of himself for doing the damn thing. But I call him out on it, so he's then uses this as a manipulation tool.
Speaker 1:Here's another layer. So the things he knows that I'm going to be upset about. He will now throw back at me to make me believe that he's making a good decision. So he'll come and be like oh I just you know I really need to go. I already scheduled golf with the boys, so this is a part of his team. I've already paid for it. So now he's using money. I know CJ is sick, but he's done throwing up. I think he's fine. But I know you hate it when I leave him here by himself, so I just wanted to call and run it by you real quick.
Speaker 1:Okay, he's asking me to watch my son. He knows someone needs to be with him. This is how he's going to manipulate me. This is how he's going to ask me if I can be there with my son If I don't volunteer at this moment and be like oh yeah, of course, go, go, do your thing, I don't have anything going on. He knows I have nothing going on today because I'm an introvert. We just peopled for this whole last holiday weekend. He knows I'm going to use this weekend to recoup.
Speaker 1:So he knows that I'm, quote not doing anything. Me using my time for mental health to get my laundry done, my son's laundry done, get the house back in order after having company all of those things doesn't count because it's not something that counts for him. So he knows I'm not, quote doing anything. So he's waiting for me to volunteer my time. I don't volunteer it and I say he's old enough to be by himself for two hours. I mean, are you just playing nine holes, are you? I think he'll be fine and I'm right here. If he needs me, he can call me anytime. Even if he's just lonely, he can call me anytime. And I knew it was either going to be okay Sounds good If he truly was okay, leaving my kid by himself or I need you to come watch him, which was going to be another manipulation. So then it's oh well, are you busy? I mean I hate to bother you if you're busy. Yeah, I think he's totally fine being by himself for a couple of hours. He can call me anytime. I'm like, is that all you needed? Okay, have him call me whenever he wants. And I hung up. He has not called me back. He has not tried to push the issue. However, my son calls and my son's going.
Speaker 1:My son is filled with anxiety and part of that, I believe, is his generation, but also in his ADHD and just anxiety disorder, but also the manipulation Vibes from his dad that his dad is worried, upset, frustrated. And what do kids do? They internalize it so it's immediately his fault or something is wrong with me or I'm doing something that is going to upset the apple cart. It has caused problems when I've dated. It's caused problems when I've gone out with friends.
Speaker 1:This is what my former partner was saying about. He manipulates my schedule, because he would manipulate my schedule via guilt and shame through my kid. If it created an anxiety in my kid, I wouldn't do it. So my former partner had invited me to go skiing for the day. My child had accumulated so much anxiety of his dad's reaction to finding out that I'm off skiing with my partner that he would try to get me to avoid doing anything that would upset his dad. It's so frustrating. It's frustrating for everybody and in trying to protect my kid, I had told my former partner it might just be the best idea that I just don't date until he is old enough to understand these feelings, to trust that I'm safe, to trust that I'm fine, to trust that if dad's going to react, dad's going to react and that I don't need to orient my life around keeping dad from reacting.
Speaker 1:I need to empower my son on how to handle it, because until I've told him, until I can take your dad to court for you to become my sole custody, therefore upsetting your dad to the furthest degree, taking away your time with your dad. Are you ready for that? No, I'm not. He always responds I'm like okay, then I'm going to teach you how, since you will with your dad. Are you ready for that? No, I'm not. He always responds I'm like okay, then I'm going to teach you how, since you will see your dad and be with your dad at a court ordered 50 50, I need to teach you how to live for that 50% when you are living there. So I will always be honest with you, but I need you to develop trust with me. So that's where we're at. We're working on it. We're only going on a year here.
Speaker 1:He's he's prepubescent, so he's still. He's still a little innocent little baby at heart. He doesn't. He doesn't have any of that independence or anger or stuff that comes with those teenage years of wait. A minute, this is not mom. This is not me. This is not our relationship. This is my fucking dad. So we're working on it.
Speaker 1:However, I was like I'm going to get a call from my kid and he's going to be worried about why I can't come over there. Sure Shit, two seconds later he calls and he's like mommy, you're on the verge of tears. Why can't you come be with me? What's going on? What's wrong? What are you doing? I'm like buddy. I need you to just trust me on this. Can you trust me on this? This is one of those things we've been talking about. I need you to know that. I'm going to fill you in as soon as I can, but right now, I need you to just trust me. Everything is good and I am still here for you.
Speaker 1:Like, can you do that, knowing that he's not feeling well, I was like the chances of him having this emotional resilience in this moment are slim to none. So he's like, no. I'm like, okay, can you go somewhere private so that I can tell you what's going on? So he's like, yeah, one minute. So he walks off and I was like, okay, this is another situation where I'm trying to teach your dad how to not manipulate me. This has nothing to do with you. I love you. I'm sorry You're not feeling well.
Speaker 1:The real deal of it is is your dad needs to make a decision that supports that. He needs to make a decision to support you. He cannot just manipulate me into getting his back. I'm going to have fun when he's got a sick kid. He needs to take responsibility for you, so I'm letting him make that decision. If he chooses to stay home with you, we all win, because you have someone there caring for you. He makes, in my opinion, the right choice and he's not going to manipulate me yet again into covering something for him that he should be supportive of.
Speaker 1:Now let's go one step further, and this is not what I told my son, but this is what I'm telling you. I am an understanding parent. I am too easy of a co-parent, clearly, but also I'm an easygoing co parent. If you're going to call and be like, hey kiddo was throwing up all night, I planned golf with some of my team for tomorrow. Is there any chance you can shift your schedule to help me out? If not, totally fine, I understand.
Speaker 1:No is an acceptable answer, something that I say to them all the time because I don't want to manipulate them. I want everybody to know that if, if they cannot, we are not going to part any. Anyone carrying guilt, anyone carrying shame and anyone feeling bad about telling me no for something. I am a grown ass woman. I can handle a no. I need to learn how to give them. So I'm practicing and I gave him a no today and I'm struggling. Kids, I'm struggling. I'm struggling right now. So thank you for being here for me, because venting this to you and sharing this with you it's getting me through, my heart rates coming down. I can feel my nervous system regulating, so I appreciate that Anyway.
Speaker 1:So I finished telling my son if daddy chooses to go golfing with the guys I you call me right away. I will be on the phone with you. I'm just cleaning the house, buddy, I don't have anything going on. I'm not out and about, I'm not anywhere. You need to worry about me. I'm not off on a date which I know your dad's going to be like, oh she's with some guy and make you feel like shit about that. No, I am not Set your little heart at ease. I am not going to tell him any of these things. I'm going to let him make the decision.
Speaker 1:This is about your dad. Now, if you find after he goes golfing that you really are not feeling well and you just need mama, you just call and let me know that and I'll be there in two seconds. If you think you might watch a movie and take a nap because you're not feeling great anyway, then I'm going to keep cleaning the house. Because I didn't do anything yesterday, because I took a mental health binge. Netflix walked around and did nothing all day out in the yard day, so I'm getting stuff done today.
Speaker 1:I'd love to keep getting stuff done today. If you were here and you were sick, you'd be on the couch and I'd be getting my stuff done today. So I'm going to keep on keeping on until you and I decide that something else is needed, okay. Okay, do you understand? Yes, do you understand that this has nothing to do with you? I love you and I will be there for you at every moment of this, but I'd like to put some time on this for your dad to make a decision. Yes, I get it. You get it. Yes, who do I love you? Love me, yep, I totally care that you're sick right now. This has nothing to do with you. Please tell me. You understand that. Do you understand that? Because if you don't, I need to communicate it better. I'm good, mom, I get it. Do you feel at ease? Yeah, I'm just gonna go play some vids. Okay, I love you. Bye, got off the phone and I am just. This is where I'm at. I'm just livid. I'm just livid.
Speaker 1:How many places I have let him infiltrate us. I have been unable to protect myself from this. I have clearly been unable to protect my son from this and the layers deep of it is. You know, all this time, having been out of that relationship, that I was really enjoying, and I see it. I see how manipulated I was into and through my kid, onto my existence and my world, because I would take a I'm doing the right thing stance in making some of these choices to keep the peace, in making some of these choices to keep the peace, and I'm done doing it.
Speaker 1:That tactic did. It didn't work. It didn't protect him, it didn't protect me. Everything that my former partner said came to fruition. It has come to a head. I am in full realization that all of these tactics are still going on. And then he used these tactics to suck me in even further so that I would be close enough for him to then catch me when I'm vulnerable, love, bomb the shit out of me and hoover me back in.
Speaker 1:Here we are. So now I am post narc again. Healing again feels different. This time I don't feel like I'm healing from a trauma bond anymore, necessarily because there's there is nothing making me miss him. There's nothing making me future cast and go. But it could have been this. But it could have been that I'm not leaning into his potential instead of his actual. I'm not doing any of those.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself, if those things just hit, you are in narcissistic abuse recovery and I love you for that. Welcome to the shit show that is healing from narcissistic abuse. I would also like to give you the glimmer on the other side of it. This is your renaissance. This is your chance to spend time learning how to know you, love you, be you. If you lean in, it is one of the most exhilarating, beautiful experiences a human can have. I feel like it is our reward for having gone through the dark fog of narcissism. Now you get the rainbow of self-discovery. So please, freaking lean in. Not only is it healing, it is fun as fuck. So please, have so much fun with it. Lean in, tell yourself, yes, do the healing.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself in the position that I'm in now, where it's seven and a half years into this healing, you hit a place of I think I'm pretty good, and then you get sucked back in. That's where I'm at right now. This is where we're at. So, sisters and friends that have gone through this part, I want to know what part are you in now? You've done this and now you're at where I'm going. You're at my next highest timeline. You're already in that timeline and you are. Shed some wisdom on me, please. Spit some truth to me please, because this is where I'm at.
Speaker 1:I am icked out by manipulation. I've always been icked out by manipulation, but it is at a new level. Now it is at an unacceptable zero tolerance, not dealing with it level, but I need my nervous system to learn that because I'm fired up, I'm full of anxiety, my stomach hurts right now, my jaw is clenched. Right now, my shoulders are up, I can feel it. It's palpable. It's that feeling of like when I stop talking to you guys and this podcast is over, I'm going to have to go for a walk or turn on some music or something, because this is all my mind is going to come back to all day and I need that to not be the case. I need my nervous system to chill the fuck out, so that my brain can chill the fuck out. Right, I'm going to do some physiological size. I'm going to, I'm going to reset and align and I'm going to use this as a sign that I need to reset and align and that's what I'm going to do after this. This uh, call, call, oh, look, it feels like I'm calling my friends after this podcast. Okay, so that's where I'm at.
Speaker 1:So you tell me, how does manipulation play into your situation? I know it's there. How many layers deep is it there? What layers have you noticed that? You're like fuck, I just, you know, anything that goes through the kids just really, really riles me up. It really riles me up and I don't know, I don't know. I boundary, working on a boundary. I'm loving my kid's age right now and the relationship we've built to where I can tell him what is happening and he's he's starting to understand it. I could tell that it soothed his little nervous system soon as I told him.
Speaker 1:And I don't know, I don't know what the backlash of this is going to be. So maybe the next podcast there'll be a follow-up. I'm hoping there's no follow-up. I'm hoping the ex decides to go play golf and leaves my son home alone and I talk him through it. Or he decides to be a parent and call in kid is sick today, send his friends off to play golf on his dime and feel great about that. Instead, we'll see. I don't know how this is going to turn out. It could also turn into an all day blow up if I let it. So that's also going to be. My next defense is I'm going to. I'm going to call in my spirit team, I'm going to call in my higher self to set up some good boundaries in advance in case he wants to turn this into a problem.
Speaker 1:And you know we're all hypervigilant. I grew up in a narcissistic, abusive household, so I have I don't know a time in my life when I haven't been hypervigilant to somebody else's goods alcoholism, drug addiction, they're you know they. Every day is different. You don't know what you're going to get, you don't know what to expect, but, man, you can tell when you walk into the room and that's where I'm at. So I'm being hypervigilant and I want to calm that down. I want to know that, whatever it is that comes across, I am strong enough, capable enough and myself enough to handle it. I don't need to be hypervigilant. I don't need to prepare to please. I don't need to prepare to fight. I don't need to prepare to anything. I need to prepare myself to handle it. So that's where I'm at today. I'm going to prepare myself to handle it. All right, I think that's all I have for you. That's all that's coming through as something that I feel like I need to shed or give.
Speaker 1:Let me just search my heart here and see if there's any other little tidbits that I can leave you with. I feel like as humans as humans we are primed and prone to manipulation. That's an interesting thing for me. That's something I might, you know, read up on or look into a little bit more. See if I can find some information about that. Like, why are we so prone to conditioning? Why are we so prone to brainwashing? Why are we so prone to manipulation? Instead of you know, I would think, as humans, we'd be wired for survival. Therefore, we're wired against it. You know, like you would think, my best life is point A to point B. How am I even prone to someone coming in and being like no? Point C, point D, point E, on your way, there is way better. Why, why am I? Why is my brain wearing like that? I feel like that's.
Speaker 1:Uh, what is that? What's that word for? Um? Gosh, there's such a good word for this. Um dang. If I find it, I'll put it in the show notes.
Speaker 1:Uh, I want to say misaligned or miss. Oh, this is going to drive my brain crazy. Um, like malnourished, but not malnourished. What is it? Maladaptive? Fuck, yeah, got it. Don't need to put it in the show notes.
Speaker 1:This is a maladaptive behavior. Is that it? Is it a maladaptive behavior that civil societies now deal with? Is somewhere some human found in our DNA that we were easily manipulated and now it's just a societal thing. Like what the fuck is it? It drives me crazy.
Speaker 1:So my justice sensitivity in my ADHD, autism spectrum self, my neurodivergent self, justice sensitivity is one of my major, that's one of my signs. And, man, it drives me nuts. Drives me nuts to watch other people manipulate people and I'm not immune to it. So there we are, all right. I love you. I hope you are in the midst of living your best life If you found this podcast because you're not and you're in the thick of it sending you all my love and good energy, please, I, I've been there, I know it.
Speaker 1:I'm sending all of my empathy, sympathy, all the things to you because you're not alone. You got this. You got this. Just keep going. The only way through is through. Okay, don't go around, don't side skirt, don't numb out, don't do any of the things that are going to prolong your healing. Just go right straight through it, right straight through it. Sit with those fucking feelings. Find the things that help, listen to other people's experiences, find the modalities that help you get that one, one more step forward, and sometimes it feels like it's a couple steps back. That's where I'm at, I'm looking at my. You know, if you chart out your growth and you see, success is never a straight line, it's always that.
Speaker 1:I took it down and it was a. It was a big dip. When you look at the symptoms, the outcome, the consequences that's the word, the consequences of it. Going back to the narcissist or even coming close to it to me on that linear line, on that axis, looks to me like it dipped below the damn axis. But that's not it it was. It was a maybe it's a peak, you know what? Maybe it's a fucking peak. Maybe the fact that I just jumped up high enough in my own journey to offset that narcissist at such a rapid pace and come to this side of it where I can see it and understand it, articulate it, move it through my body, do what I need to do to keep on moving, maybe that's a fucking peak in my journey. You know what? Maybe it's not a dip at all. Maybe that's that next level of success and having to let's just say fuck with it.
Speaker 1:If I had to stick my hand on that hot stove again, there it is. You know what I did it. I stuck my hand out, I tested that water and I didn't like it. I didn't tape my hand to the stove so it could keep getting burned. That's a win, that is a huge fucking win.
Speaker 1:And so, if you're there, if you feel like it's two steps back, you know what? Maybe it's not, maybe it's a step forward, maybe it's a giant leap forward. Look at it that way. All right, shift your perspective, give yourself some love, be gentle with yourself and, ultimately, please don't go back. Just don't go back, don't go back. Can I sky write this for you? Take that advice Don't go back. If you need someone in your head saying don't go back, just repeat this over and over and, over and over again Don't go back, don't go back, don't go back. Okay, forward, forward, forward forward.
Speaker 1:You, you and your focus, your kids and your focus, your passion and your focus, your love for yourself and your focus. That dream life that you had out there, it's still there. It's still your dream. Just take them out of it. Okay, take them out of it. You go, you go on your own, you go on your own. If there's a beautiful partner that's going to join that dream, fucking bonus. But you're there either way. Okay, keep going. I love you. Bye, thank you for listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm proud of you, you've done it. You've taken the nextaken Wild One podcast. I'm proud of you, you've done it. You've taken the next step in your healing. I hope that your best life is right around the corner. Please subscribe, as we're going to meet here every week, and continue to grow and develop into our best selves. Have a wonderful day.