From Shame to Freedom: Shane’s Story (Part 2) | Episode #055

For 23 years, Shane lived trapped in an addiction to pornography and shame.

In Part 2 of this powerful conversation, Shane Daugherty shares more of his journey from shame, self-doubt, and striving into freedom, identity, and healing in Christ. 

Together, we talk honestly about life after overcoming shame, how it impacted him personally, how it has impacted his marriage, and the surprising insight that his wife would have to learn how to live with this "new" man. And, he honestly opens up about the battles he is still fighting.

If you’ve ever felt trapped by your past, exhausted from trying harder, or afraid that something is fundamentally wrong with you, this episode will encourage you. 

Freedom doesn’t begin by pretending the struggle isn’t real. It begins by discovering the truth about who you are.

Part 1 is about finding freedom.
 Part 2 is about life after freedom.

If you’ve ever struggled with shame, addiction, self-doubt, or feeling stuck, this conversation will encourage you deeply.

Time Stamps

1:04 The beginning

1:22 The weight is gone

2:00 Aware of his need for grace

2:13 A new love for others

3:02 Wal-Mart Ministry

5:02 Changes in marriage were not automatic

6:06 Learning to make her feel safe again

7:42 Not a “Hall Mark” life

8:03 A metaphor for the new life

8:47 She is learning to live with a new you

9:20 Husbands are the key to their wife’s growth

10:25 There have been strugges

12:01 The benefit of community

12:34 The source of shame is…

13:17 Freedom is a daily choice

13:54 Helpful resources

15:40 Shane advice

Connect with Craig @CraigWalkerCaoching

Connect with Craig  @CraigWalkerCaoching
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Get a copy of Craig's Book SHAMELESS The Life You Were Born to Love https://amzn.to/44vldsQ

Sign up for the Truly a Masterpiece Free Workshop: Why Self-doubt Keeps Returning and How to Finally Break Free https://craigwalkercoaching.com/workshop

Join the Masterpiece Brotherhood Men's Group: https://craigwalkercoaching.com/brotherhood

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome back to the Trudy Masterpiece Podcast. My name's Craig Walker, and I am your host. Today we're wrapping up our conversation with my friend Shane Darty. Shane has been sharing his journey through shame and addiction to pornography, and now he found freedom. Well, his story is powerful, but it's also close to my heart. After overcoming my own 53-year-long battle with shame, I've dedicated my life to helping others break free from shame, self-doubt, and the patterns that keep them stuck and playing small. Well, that's why I created this 16-week Korea masterpiece coaching program is for men who are tired of circling the same struggles and they're ready to understand what's holding them back and how they can finally break free. Well, Shane is one of the men who has walked through that journey. And then the second half of this interview, he shares more of what life's like on the other side of self-doubt. Now, if you'd like to learn more about the coaching program, you'll find the details in the show notes. All right, let's get started. Well, now a year almost a year and a half uh into it. How important has this training been to you? You know, you've already alluded to it. You would have paid thousands for it if you could to get this freedom. Tell us about tell us the change, you know, how has it impacted your life on a daily basis?

SPEAKER_00 1:22

I used to wake up just this weight on my shoulder. And it felt like when my feet would hit the ground, I was already exhausted. The shame, the just the fear, the the weight of I don't know. It's just felt like I was just I felt miserable all the time. And now I wake up and yeah, I don't feel that anymore. So that's been that's been amazing. You know, yeah, some days are better than others, because right, it's it's like it just because now I'm living in grace doesn't mean that I wake up and every day it's just automatic. You feel like, all right, I'm in grace, you know. Like if it was that easy, well, you know what? I I I think you know, there wouldn't be a need to to continue to turn to God if it was just that easily wake up and feel grace automatically.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Yeah, one of the things one of the things that that I got to see, this was just an unfolding and uh of your life. The scripture says part of this is just you become a spiritual man. That's that's really what happens. The Holy Spirit is free to take control and to lead your life. And the Bible says that God gave us the Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. Well, now the free the Holy Spirit's inside of you and he's free and he's filling your hearts with love. What I enjoyed hearing is every time I talk to you is how I was at the gas station and I told this guy about Jesus, or I was at Walmart, and that just happened over and over and over. It was an outpouring, you know. It's not like you were saying, Oh, I've got to go witness today. It's like I'm telling I gotta help this person. I want to help this person. Some of those stories, do you want to share any of those?

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Absolutely. I would love to. So I have some friends that they were making making fun of it, it's just light teasing, you know, like, hey, dude, like your ministry is at Walmart. So it's because every time, you know, I'd go to the store, like I just felt like the I mean, God would just put somebody in my path, and I just felt like the you know, the the spirit, you know, Holy Spirit just prompting me to go have a conversation. And they all look different, right? Like the one I shared was the one guy, he had a demonic shirt on, and you know, I got to go have a conversation with him, which turned out great. Another guy was, you know, uh he was trying to jump his car because I guess the battery died, and he had just got out of prison, and I got to pray over him, you know, to other people that I don't know why, I just feel like I need to pray for you, or do you know Jesus? And then we just had a conversation. So it was a lot of that. Um, I think the one that probably left the biggest impact on me was I think his name was Jose. He was a guy that was wearing that demonic shirt because I almost punked out. And what I mean by that is like I felt the spirit prompting me to go talk to him. But of course, in my flesh, I'm thinking, well, what am I gonna say to him? Yeah, if he wants to debate, like I I don't know my Bible that well to debate him. Like I told myself internally, I'm not gonna push it to be right, but then I asked him I said, Tell me your story. Like, what's your story?

SPEAKER_02 4:32

I think that's the wisest thing you could have done. You just were interested in him. Yeah, I really was love won out. That's what happened that day. You're walking the aisles and the fight is going on. It's spiritual warfare, it is, but love won out. You're so full of Christ, that love overflows from you to other people. Absolutely change, man.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

That's all he told me his story. I got to pray for him, and you know what? Maybe he didn't come to Christ that night in the parking lot that moment, but there was a seed planted.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

I what about your wife? I've seen your kids. We've been on calls before, and your your son would come in bringing his Bible, want to share a verse with me. You'd read to him the night before. I saw those kind of changes happening during the the coaching. Um, what about your wife? I I don't think I've ever met Caitlin.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Things have gotten better. They're still tough, you know. Like we still have some moments where you know she has her battles that she's you know dealing with. Uh, I think the the thing that I've seen that has kind of been probably more the I don't want to say challenge, but it's while I was going through the program, there was a level of growth, and you know, and it almost started to be to where we were not separating in terms of that, but just there was a little bit of a separation on that spectrum of growth. And so so that created a little bit of friction, but you had to challenge me with something. You said, or because I asked you, I said, Hey, here's what I'm dealing with. And it was about that, some of the friction we were dealing with towards the end of the program. And I said, I don't know how to handle this. Here's how I've handled it before. Here's kind of what happened and how things ended up after we would, whether it was argument or talk about it, what do you suggest? And you said, Well, based on what I'm hearing, it's because she doesn't feel safe. You know, you were honest about that and you were very graceful and loving. You know, you told me, but you said, I'm gonna challenge you. When you give her the space and and the uh safety to speak into your life, you can then speak into hers, I think is what you said. And so I just took it as a challenge. Okay, I I gotta try to make my wife feel safe. And so I've been able to do that, and and and obviously it hasn't changed overnight to where you know did it one time and things are right overnight, but there has been a significant improvement in in just uh how she responds to me because I've intentionally tried to make it to where she feels safe. Things that she would have told me in the past, I you know, had a bit of a sharp tongue and I would be rough, and how I would respond. And then now tomorrow she says something and I respond out of grace and love, or I just don't respond at all, like the way I would, where immediately I'm defensive instead. I'm just like, okay, honey, you know, thanks for sharing, right? Or or or I would let her say what she needs to, and it and of course, inside of me, my flesh wants to get defensive and say something back, but I don't respond in that. And so I saw that how that led to her feeling more safe.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

I can appreciate, you know, the fact that when I asked you that, there was a little bit of a hesitation, and I can appreciate that because you know what people want to hear. Okay, I went through the program, I got better, bang, my marriage was fixed. That happens on Hallmark movies in real life. What happens is like Israel, you go in, you take the promised land, it just means now I know I can win the battle. Yep, but you still have to, there's still the battles you have to take. You got to take back the ground. You've you've been sowing a lot of bad seeds in your marriage for a lot of years, and that doesn't turn around overnight, but it does turn around over time, and you were sowing the right seeds in now, and you are reaping it, you are seeing the difference. Yeah, it's slow, but it's it's it's you're on the right track. I think one thing else is worth pointing out to anyone else that that wants to win this battle for your identity, you win your battle and you become the real you. You're you're not afraid to show up anymore. You're showing up as you, you're being authentic, you're being compassionate, you're being kind, humble, all those things that you should be, but but you're the real you now, and you're not timid, you're not pulling back. Well, she's not used to that guy. She's used to the guy that that gave in or that got angry that she knew she knew how at least she knew how to manage you in the other the other life. Because she lived that life, that guy, for years. She didn't know how to manage you anymore. She's having to learn a whole new set of skills to live with you, and it's challenging her. But you listen, you are the key to your wife becoming that spotless, unblemished bride for Christ. And that's Ephesians 5 tells us that Christ gave himself up for us, and he tells husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, he gave himself up for us, that he could present us the church to himself with and all her beauty without any spot, blemish, wrinkle, or any such thing. In other words, if the wife's gonna become all that she should be, the man's got to take the lead and become all that he can be. When he gets changed, he often brings the wife along with him. And that's what's happening in your life, and that's what's going to happen in other guys' life. You want to get a great marriage, get yourself straightened out, and then you can help your wife come along. I'm really helping my wife. Years into it, really helping her grow.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

You're so right about that. You know, we're called to be the spiritual leaders of our house, you know, and if it's up to anyone, it's up to us, you know.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

Well, on this line, you know, we're talking about being real. Not everything's a Hallmark movie, and I know you've had struggles. There have been times it has been dark for you. You want to walk us through any of that? Okay, it's yeah, you go in, you take the land, and that's really a metaphor for the Christian life. Israel goes in, takes the land, but you got a bunch of worse, you got a bunch of battles you got to win, and sometimes it looks like you can't win.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Yeah, so true.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

So, how are you winning battles?

SPEAKER_00 10:54

I'll share what's happened recently. This was I think this was probably early January. So I had been graduated, I think four months at this point, maybe going on five, and everything was great. You know, I felt the spirit in me. I was in my word. I mean, you couldn't take me out of, you know, being in my word. I mean, it's just which by the way, I have a lot of good, you know, um, for for guys that are kind of going through uh this process, whether it's with you or even just with someone else, and they're they're you know, they're learning how to live in Christ. What I saw was at that time was I had just graduated. I was living in the spirit, I was in my word daily, sometimes multiple times a day. This battle with lust. I mean, it just you couldn't stop me. And then one day, just uh, you know, something just really hit me hard to where I I kind of you know started struggling again, not with pornography, but with lust and some of you know the shame and the fear, and we have our Friday calls that we do with a group of graduates, the men that want to join in the the Brotherhood Friday call. And you know, I was telling you guys, it's like I'm really struggling right now. And there were some days that it was just so tough because I felt like here I was, I felt like I was just top of the mountain, and I feel like I'm really down here. Uh, there was something else you said. Yeah, you got a ton of good quotes that have stuck with me. Uh direct uh quotes from Craig Walker. These just these are stamped in my heart. Uh, you said you had said, shame is you living in the absence of God, or shame is seeing yourself in the absence of God's love. Am I saying that right?

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Oh my gosh, that just stuck with me because it's like, whoa, like that is so true. Like God's grace and his love, that's a free gift that I don't have to do anything for. And during that period, like and just the way that I was seeing it was like it was me uh wanting or or needing or feeling the need to have to do things to get God's approval to be reaccepted, if you but instead it just I remembered that, like, I'm choosing to not be in God's grace. I've been forgiven already, and I don't have to live in sin, right? Like I am choosing to live outside of his grace, yeah. And so when I thought of that, I had to confess it again and just reaccept God's grace and the you know, just that free gift that he gave me. And so um, yeah, I mean, it would it was a point I was just I was living in shame again, and it was it was heavy. Yeah, I started living in God's grace, and that was all after the pro um after I graduated.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

This would be a good place for me to do a promo. Um, the Friday men's group. This is a group of guys that want to walk in freedom and they want to live beyond self-doubt, shame. And every Friday morning we meet together. It's called the Masterpiece Brotherhood. Uh, the link will be inside the show notes. Check it out. Uh, and we really started this group for guys that graduated. Uh, guys like Shane, Brennan, a few others said, I just need a place where men are going the same direction I am, that we can speak the same language. And so they'd all been through the training. So we started this group, and we realized this is just a great place for anyone that wants to check it out to come and be a part of a group. You're gonna hear them speak the language that they learned in the program. Uh, it's possible that a person could come in that group and just be in that group and find freedom. Uh, you may get in there and find out, gosh, you know, if I just read the book, Shameless the Life You're Born to Love, and then show up, that may be enough for you to find freedom. But what I would say to you is, amen. Good book. I like the author. I used to didn't, I used to didn't like him. I wouldn't want to be him any any way in the world. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Now I I really love being that guy. So yeah, get the book, Shameless. Check out the um uh Friday group, the Masterpiece Brotherhood. It's all on my website, Craig WalkerCoaching.com, and you can find all these resources. Shane, this has been fun. I don't know if I'm leaving anything out. Did is there anything that you want to share that I haven't asked?

SPEAKER_00 15:40

I think the first thing, hopefully, this is encouragement to any men out there that that could be dealing with this, is that I I know a lot of men that don't confess this because of the shame and the embarrassment and things like that, maybe out of fear. But I would encourage you, you know, like have the hard conversation, whether that's with a spouse, a friend, a mentor, pastor, whomever, and confess it. So that's you know, kind of the first thing is to do that. But because what you get after confessing that, it's so worth it. Find someone you trust that is grounded in biblical truth. And if you haven't confessed any struggles, and that doesn't have to be pornography, right? It can be a ton of other things, and to get plugged into community.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Um, that's been get the book, read it, do a small group around the book and uh really put these principles into practice. Actually, what's in the book is exactly what God taught me that set me free. And I wrote it for my children's sake. I wanted them to have it, and then the Lord let me coach all my cult kids, uh, either formally or informally through the material and see their lives changed. And and I'm just I'm living the blessed life now because I chose I'm not gonna live this way anymore. I'm gonna win this battle, same as you.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

That's right. That is so right. We have the choice to live in freedom, we just have to be willing to humble ourselves before the Lord.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

Yeah. Well, brother, thanks again for joining me today. Thank you all for tuning in and listening to this episode of the Truly a Masterpiece podcast. Well, this wraps up our interview with Shane. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of the Truly a Masterpiece podcast. If today's conversation has encouraged you, be sure to check out the show notes and look for the links to the book, the Masterpiece Brotherhood Group, and the Truly a Masterpiece workshop, which is the framework of the entire sixteen week coaching program. It'll give you everything you need to break through. Well, until next time, may the Lord help you to live that life that you were born to live.