The Marriage Lesson I Wish I Had Learned 50 Years Ago | Episode #062

After more than 50 years of marriage, after 36 years of counseling couples as a pastor, and studying the Bible, I've come to believe something I never would have believed as a young husband.

A wife's greatest need isn't anything I would have imagined: her deepest longing is to feel safe.

In this episode, I share the two marriage lessons I wish someone had taught me before Debbie and I got married. They changed not only our marriage, but my understanding of God, myself, and what it truly means to love another person.

I'll share the story of the man God used to lead me to Christ, why I once questioned the Bible's teaching on sacrificial love, and how overcoming shame and self-doubt transformed the way I relate to my wife.

If you've ever wanted a stronger marriage, don't start by asking how to change your spouse. Start by asking what kind of person God is inviting you to become.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why emotional safety is one of the greatest gifts a husband can give his wife.
• How insecurity quietly affects every marriage.
• Why your spouse can never provide the security only Christ can give.
• How resting in God's love frees you to love sacrificially.

My prayer is that this conversation helps you become a husband, father, and leader who reflects the love of Christ.

If you'd like to take the next step, download my free eBook, Five Lies Christian Men Believe That Keep Them Stuck, or reach out to learn more about coaching.

Time Stamps:

00:00 – What I wish I'd known before getting married
00:51 – The man God used to change my life
01:32 – The Bible verse I didn't want to believe (Ephesians 5:25)
03:08 – What it really means to make your wife feel safe
05:08 – The second lesson: becoming secure in Christ
05:29 – Why insecurity damages every relationship
06:12 – The marriage I almost missed
07:00 – Final encouragement and next steps

Connect with Craig @CraigWalkerCaoching

Connect with Craig  @CraigWalkerCaoching
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Join the Masterpiece Brotherhood Men's Group: https://craigwalkercoaching.com/brotherhood

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

After more than 50 years of marriage, I've come to believe something I never would have believed as a young husband.

Speaker 0:07

My wife's greatest need, it's not for me to be a provider for her. It isn't even romance, and it's not financial security. As important as all of those things are, I'm convinced that she has an even greater need.

Speaker 0:23

She needs to feel safe with me.

Speaker 0:26

I wish someone had told me that before Debbie and I got married. Five years into our marriage, I realized that we had a good marriage. But I knew that we didn't get married to have a good marriage. I wanted a great marriage.

Speaker 0:42

About that time, I transferred with Guide Lamp, a division of General Motors, in Anderson, Indiana, to help build the company's first plant in Mexico. Craig Klepper was my boss. Craig was unlike anyone I'd ever worked for. He had the kind of integrity that I admired, the kind of marriage that I wanted, the kind of family that I hoped that one day I could have.

Speaker 1:07

So I went to Craig's office and I asked, in essence, Craig, what gives? And he responded by telling me about his relationship with God. And that's what made all the difference to him. He invited me to his church, and that Sunday, I went. I took Debbie and our two children. That was the day that I trusted Christ. That was the day that my life began to change.

Speaker 1:31

Soon I became friends with the pastor of the church. He often invited me to go jogging with him. We played racquetball together. My pastor friend was memorizing a passage of scripture at a time, and this is early on, and he often asked me to listen, follow along, see if he is saying it right. The passage he was memorizing was in Ephesians chapter 5, the part where Paul talks to husbands about how to love their wives.

Speaker 1:54

The passage says, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Speaker 2:01

I've always been taught that the Bible is God's word, and he protected it and handed it down to man just as he wanted us to receive it. This was also the first time that I began to doubt God's word. I thought there is no way in the world that a man can be happy in a marriage where he gives himself up, lives a sacrificial life.

Speaker 2:25

But I also knew that my way hadn't given me the marriage that I wanted. I began trying to put this verse into practice, into my own life, and with God's help, with the accountability of a few friends.

Speaker 2:40

And now, looking back, from years of practicing this truth, from years as a pastor offering counsel to husbands and to wives, and from studying God's word, I've come to the conclusion that a wife's greatest need is not for any of those things that we often think.

Speaker 3:00

Her greatest need is for me to make her safe, or for husbands to make them feel safe.

Speaker 3:08

I mean, to be safe, to be fully known, flaws and all. I wish someone had taught me that simple lesson before I got married.

Speaker 3:19

Guys, when I say make her safe, we often get this wrong. I've had so many guys push back on me and say, "Safe?" like, what do you mean? "My wife knows I'd take a bullet for her." And listen, I'm sure she does. Mine knew that too. But here's the question: Does she know that you would lay down your life for her?

Speaker 3:37

Does she know that she is more important than your parents?

Speaker 3:42

Does she know that she's more important than your children?

Speaker 3:47

Does she know that she's more important than your friends?

Speaker 3:51

Does she know that she's more important than your work?

Speaker 3:55

Does she know that she's more important than your hobbies?

Speaker 4:00

Does she know that she's more important than your need to be right?

Speaker 4:06

You see, she needs to know that her weaknesses are safe with you.

Speaker 4:13

She needs to know that her insecurities are safe with you.

Speaker 4:17

She needs to know that her fears are safe with you.

Speaker 4:20

She needs to know that her failures are safe with you.

Speaker 4:25

And she needs to know that her body is safe with you.

Speaker 4:29

I spent so much of my early years trying to get Debbie to be the woman of my dreams. I never stopped to ask the most important question. Am I the man of her dreams?

Speaker 4:43

With my share of fear and trembling, that she would take advantage of me, and I think most men fear that, I set out to become that man. And as I did, I watched in surprise as Debbie became the wife that I always wanted.

Speaker 5:01

I haven't done this perfectly. Sometimes I fail miserably. And this is one thing that I've noticed. This one thing has always stood in the way consistently. And this is where I'm going to tell you the second most important lesson that I learned.

Speaker 5:16

If you want your wife to be secure with you, you will have to become secure in who you are in Christ.

Speaker 5:25

As long as you struggle with self-doubt, you'll never be secure. And inadvertently, you will look to her for your security. An insecure man, he doesn't mean to make his wife feel unsafe, but insecurity has its consequences.

Speaker 5:43

Insecurity reacts to correction.

Speaker 5:46

Insecurity becomes defensive.

Speaker 5:48

Insecurity takes offense easily.

Speaker 5:51

Insecurity compares.

Speaker 5:52

Insecurity tries to control.

Speaker 5:54

Insecurity withdraws.

Speaker 5:56

Insecurity asks others to provide what only God can provide.

Speaker 6:02

That's an impossible burden to lay on the woman that you love.

Speaker 6:08

Insecurity doesn't make anyone feel safe.

Speaker 6:12

In 2014, I won my battle over shame and self-doubt, and I can say without a doubt that nothing has impacted my life and my security like that did. Being able to rest in God's love and rely on his grace has given me the confidence that I can just be myself.

Speaker 6:33

I no longer need Debbie to be the source of what only Christ can be for me. I know who I am in Christ. I'm not saying I don't love her praise. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate it when she makes me feel like a man. God knows I do. I'm saying I'm learning to freely give myself up for her, knowing that God's always got my back.

Speaker 6:54

And even when she doesn't or cannot give me those things that I want.

Speaker 7:00

So my question to you, it's not, do you make your wife feel safe? No. My question to you is, are you secure in God's love? That's the most important battle that you can win. If you win that one, you will be free to make her feel safe.

Speaker 7:16

Paul's admonition for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, this is so counterintuitive. Sacrificial love, it doesn't diminish marriage, it creates an environment where love just flourishes.

Speaker 7:31

Looking back, I realized Debbie didn't need a perfect husband. She needed one to make her safe. And I've discovered I couldn't become a safe husband until I became a secure man.

Speaker 7:46

I admit that I went about marriage all wrong. Maybe you would admit that too. The good news is you don't have to keep doing it that way. I'm not saying you don't have a good marriage. I am saying that if you are insecure in your relationship with Christ, if you don't have that nailed down, that your marriage is not as good as it could be, it could be great.

Speaker 8:09

If I could sit down with a 20-year-old version of myself, I'd tell him two things. Make Debbie feel safe and don't spend decades looking for security in your performance, your success, your marriage. Find your security in God who loves you. Because the safest husbands are the ones who already know that they're safe with God.

Speaker 8:35

Maybe the greatest gift you could ever give to your wife, it isn't becoming a richer man or even a stronger man. Maybe it's just becoming a more secure man.

Speaker 8:48

Guys, I have a resource that could be just a great simple first step. It won't cost you a thing. Download my free ebook, Five Lives That Christian Men Believe That Keep Them Stuck.

Speaker 8:58

If you would like to take this a step further, a bigger step, obviously, reach out to me. Or you know what? Go to your pastor. Just start a conversation that could change your life and your marriage.

Speaker 9:10

And as always, if this talk has been helpful to you, gosh, I would appreciate it if you would share it with a friend, someone else who needs to hear this.

Speaker 9:17

And until next time, my prayer for you is that God would help you to live that life that you were born to love. Yes, Lord.