Chapter 7 - Skill 4 : A Mature Love (The Wholehearted Journey)

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Experience the cathartic journey of realization, forgiveness, and emotional growth I undertook after being hurt by two individuals from my past - George and Brody. I was consumed by bitterness and self-blame, simmering in the fires of anger. But when I understood the real root of my anger, forgave myself for ignoring the red flags, and let go of my self-blame, I discovered a path to emotional freedom. 

The second half of this episode illuminates the healing process that follows forgiveness. It's not merely about extending absolution to those who've wronged us; it's about forgiving ourselves first, mourning our losses, and then, offering forgiveness to the offenders. It's crucial to remember that forgiveness doesn't always lead to reconciliation; it's a gift we give ourselves, freeing us from the shackles of resentment. Towards the end, join me in a heartfelt prayer of healing and restoration, as we invite God's love to mend our broken hearts. This episode is not just a tale, but a journey of self-discovery, emotional growth, and the essentiality of understanding and embracing the full spectrum of a person's qualities.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Chapter 7 . Skill 4 . A Mature Love . I was angry . I was still frustrated with those two men who had betrayed me years ago . I don't go into as much detail here as I do in the book , but my first steps towards freedom from this anger and bitterness towards these two men was to understand where my anger was truly stemming from . We'll call these two men George and Brody . What I discovered was that I didn't hate them . What I truly hated and was angry about was the fact that they were able to hurt me so deeply . I felt so foolish for naively putting myself in a position that would ever allow them to do anything like that . The fires of my anger were being fueled by a billet of self-shame . Deep down , I knew better than to trust them . I was mad at them , but I was twice as angry with myself .

Speaker 1 1:13

I had noticed subtle things over the last few years . You know character flaws , warning signs , little red flags , and I had ignored them . I believed the best in them Instead of trying to assess the truth and then navigate the relationship in light of where each of them were presently at . I ignored the red flags because I wanted to see the good in them , and now it was costing my heart dearly . Everyone has varying levels of maturity in different areas of life . For example , someone can be quite mature spiritually , but can be immature emotionally , relationally or in a myriad of other areas . Instead of seeing the whole person flaws and awe , I chose to see them mainly through the limited perspective of their maturity , while glossing over their immaturities . The byproduct of this was a state of selective sight , the practice of veiling others inadequacies by focusing primarily on their strengths Inside . I knew who these men were . I knew their nakedness , but , like the crowds in the tale of the emperor's new clothes , I chose to overlook it . I had to learn this the hard way that when someone exposes who they really are , I should believe them and so should you . So for the rest of this chapter , I describe how bitterness affected my life and I couldn't break free .

Speaker 1 2:55

The very first step of breaking free from bitterness is forgiving yourself . You've got to forgive yourself and don't blame yourself or feel ashamed of what you didn't know prior to learning it . The second thing that we have to do is we have to grieve the loss , because there are some very serious losses that we've had because of these situations and scenarios and we feel naive and we would do it differently if we could . And there is real loss involved . Maybe it's time , maybe it's a season of your life , maybe it's money , it's a lot of those things . But we have to first forgive ourselves , then grieve the loss and , thirdly , we have to learn to forgive them . Let me just say one word on forgiveness .

Speaker 1 3:56

Forgiveness is not reconciliation . Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation , but doesn't require it . For reconciliation to occur , trust must be rebuilt . Forgiveness is a one-player game . Reconciliation is a two-player game and requires time for trust to be rebuilt .

Speaker 1 4:19

Forgiveness is primarily a gift to the forgiver , not the offender . It sets the forgiver free . It says to the offender what you did was wrong , it hurt , it matters , but I'm choosing to let you and what you did to me go free . When you forgive , you free the offender from the pretend prison you've placed them in and return to yourself the hours you've wasted playing prison guard to someone who was never really there . Yes , forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering you were in actuality the prisoner . For your own sake , you must forgive , but forgiving someone doesn't mean that you must be reconciled with them . Reconciliation requires that trust be rebuilt first . Then , after you've forgiven yourself , you've grieved the loss and you've forgiven the offender . It's time to let God love you really well in that place of brokenness and need , and , my friend , he surely will if you ask him .

Speaker 1 5:33

Jesus is the healer of the heartbroken and he loves , and it is his mission to heal every broken place within . Why don't we ask him to do that now ? Jesus , I invite your presence into this area of pain , loss and hurt . You can name the specific place or area if you'd like to pray along with me . I choose to forgive . You can insert their names right there . What they did to me was wrong , it hurt and it matters . I choose to release them now into your hands . I choose to let them and the circumstances go . I give it all to you , god . I invite you , jesus , and your powerful presence , father , into all the wounded and broken places in my heart . Heal me , restore me and make this area of my heart whole . In the name of Jesus , I pray Amen . This skill is essential , and downloading the introduction in the first chapter will help you become so much better at this skill . You can do that for free right now at JoelJohnsonorg .