Are Goals Secretly Sabotaging You? | Jen Briggs on Regenerative Success

More isn't more anymore. More discipline isn't the answer. More structure isn't always the solution. (And honestly? I learned this the hard way.) What if what we've been taught about success is actually holding us back? What if it isn't the whole picture. In this New Year's Eve episode, we're diving deep into why traditional goal-setting feels so exhausting - and what becomes possible when we choose a different path.

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CHAPTERS
0:00 The Truth About "More"
4:15 Breaking Free from Extraction
15:30 The Regenerative Revolution
18:31 Structure vs Freedom
22:20 The Both/And Solution

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RESOURCES
Perfect Match Property Associates: Scouting out the best Realtor for you 

Chapters

• 0:00 Embracing Intuition and Connection in Life
• 8:05 Promoting Regenerative Relationships and Businesses
• 22:55 Balancing Structure and Creativity
• 29:41 Personal Growth Through Daily Habits

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey there real quick before we jump in, because I want to share something that might help you or someone you care about. Are you looking for a real estate agent? I know it can be tricky. Most people either go with the agent closest to them because convenience right, or maybe you pick the quote unquote number one agent in the area because that must mean they're the best or the best fit for you. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Or maybe you think it doesn't matter and you just pick any old agent who can open doors and shove paperwork across the table. Speaking from my own experience I am a realtor and I hired a realtor this year when I sold my house, because I truly believe the perfect match matters. Here's the thing After a decade in real estate, including leading Minnesota's largest real estate company, I've learned that finding the right agent is a lot like finding the right doctor. You want someone who's not just skilled but who really takes the time to listen, to get to know you and knows what you need. That's why I'm excited to announce Perfect Match Property Associates. I personally scout and match people with exceptional agents who combine expertise with genuine care, the kind who will navigate both the complex negotiations and the moments when everyone's stress levels are through the roof but the coffee maker just broke. So whether you're looking to work with me or one of our carefully vetted partners in Minnesota, or you need a trusted agent anywhere in the world, I'd love to help you find your perfect match. And yes, this matchmaking service is completely free to you. Just visit the jenniferbriggscom forward slash perfect match or check the show notes for a link. And for real estate professionals, I partner with agents from all brokerages who share my commitment to conscious client focus service. If you'd like to be considered for our select network, visit the jenniferbriggscom forward slash perfect match to learn more.

Speaker 1: 1:51

All right now to our conversation. Welcome to the whole shebang. I'm Jen Briggs, your host. Let me tell you what you're in for here. Many of us have been running at breakneck speed, functioning mostly in our heads, and we've suffered from disconnection, burnout and lost passions. I believe it's because we functioned in part and not in whole. So we're exploring a new path, embracing intuition, creativity, playfulness and connection in all of life. It's vibrant, powerful and magnetic. So come on with me and buckle up buttercups we're diving in. More is not more. More discipline isn't more. More structure isn't always more.

Speaker 1: 2:37

The question is how can I extract as much as I can from you, get every penny's worth? So we're actually looking at a person and the value of their time and extraction from them. How can I get the most out of you? What if the question was more regenerative in nature? So instead of asking how much I can get, I'm asking where do I have abundance in my life, in my resources, in my energy, in my time? What do I have in abundance that I can offer so that it is better off because I've been here? So if you have been living in a super regimented, disciplined, go go, go, go go mode, that is probably feeling really confining to you because it's so structured you really don't have freedom. Within the structure. It is a both, and the structure is the masculine, the freedom and the creativity and the flourishing within it is the feminine. If we have too much feminine or too much creativity, we flake out, too much masculine, we burn out. We need both.

Speaker 1: 3:38

Always it's New Year's Eve day, I'm in my cozies and I thought what better way to start the new year but to share a few what I'm going to call atypical New Year's advice pieces, tidbits. I don't know how many. I haven't counted them yet. We can count them up at the end. Or, if you'd like to tally the tidbits as we go, we can do that.

Speaker 1: 4:13

This year has been an interesting year for me. I feel like it's probably been an interesting year for a lot of you too. It's been in the stars a lot of change, a lot of transition, a lot of shedding, a lot of breaking down of systems and things and um stepping into new, really stepping into new in this new year and um, it's easy to look back and go like what are my wisest lessons that I can offer you? Uh, and I don't have this all figured out. News flash, I don't have this all figured out. So insteadash, I don't have this all figured out, so instead I'm going to do what I've been doing, which is share what I'm learning along the way in my process of evolving, of changing. My views continually change on on, like what are the lessons? Okay, that's enough of a setup for you. Here we go.

Speaker 1: 5:07

Number one um, focus. I'm having a hard time even putting this into like a command, into a statement instead of a question. Normally I would just well here. This is what I would want to say to you, what if our focus was primarily on the process and on being present instead of the goal? So a lot of us and I feel like I always have to offer this caveat I am not opposed to goals, but I want to kind of explain what I mean, because I think they're different.

Speaker 1: 5:38

And if any of you were at the vision workshop this year, or you've done vision boarding or anything like that this year, or you've done vision boarding or anything like that, the vision to me is a literal vision. It is an idea of who you're becoming, or an experience you want to have, or a feeling you want to achieve. And usually the vision isn't quantified yet. It's something you see in your mind's eye or it's something you see that you've put on your vision board. And so the next step that I would normally take people through and do take people through is like, okay, how do we take that vision? And like chunk it down into quantifiable goals?

Speaker 1: 6:16

Except that, um, I have this gritty little relationship with goals because, coming from like a fast paced, high demand working environment in previous years and I know many of you are in that sometimes the aspiration towards a goal is relentless and the goalpost keeps moving Like I feel like it's a fleeting moment that we hit the goal, and then we're like, okay, now what? And so we've. We've been so ingrained and so trained to like put this stake in the ground, to like look at the goalposts down the end of the field and chase after it. And while we're looking ahead, I my experience I can speak from is that I am not present. I'm not where my feet are, my mind is already at the goalpost and I'm already down there. So how can I be truly present and living in the moment? And I would argue that being process oriented versus goal oriented is a feminine approach and it doesn't need to be versus, it should be both. This is a both and not an either or. But I want to focus in this moment on the feminine approach, which is process orientation. So what do I mean by that? So let's just say, for me, part of my vision I'm not even going to call it a goal Part of my vision for 2025 is to continue to grow the breadth of my community and my friendships, my relationships, and grow the depth of them, so that I have like a really that I'm like building, doing what I can to do.

Speaker 1: 8:05

It's not only on me, but doing what I can do to, like, build a village, build a community of meaning. Now, that's very different than like I want to go on 52 lunch dates this year. Right, the intention is to build meaningful, deep relationships and more of them. I don't have a specific number in mind, and today I don't have a really specific pathway in mind, but I know that that's in my heart, that's intuitively what I know I need. I think that's what society needs in general. I think I am wired for community and so I'm going to be doing that. So now, instead of setting the goal to hit 52 coffee dates or lunch dates, I'm going to say what feels like the next best move. Well, maybe it's like a weekly dinner night with just just like open to women in my area or men, I don't know, but I so I haven't spent time with these yet, but I'm going to spend time with it and then do that thing.

Speaker 1: 9:08

And along with doing the thing or being the person that does the thing, I want to show up as full and as present as I can be Now. So my words I might say I want to show up as my best self. Well, my best self doesn't mean like the most pretty, particular, well put together self. It means everything's so cliche, right, but like. It means my most authentic, aligned version of myself, that I can be. So I'm being really real and who I am.

Speaker 1: 9:41

I'm also doing what I can do to show up lit up, like I don't want to show up always it's like a down whatever you know like we want to be encouraging when we can be and when we're going through hard things. Be real about that so that we can give and receive as nature does. So the point being like I set an intention, I do the next thing and when I do the thing, I do it to the best of my ability, to the fullest. Like whatever's in my mind's eye, I'm going to give it my full heart is kind of the best way I can put that. And then I and then, after that's done, I take stock and I go how'd that go? How does that feel? How did that feel to other people? That was great. Let's do it again next week, or maybe next month.

Speaker 1: 10:24

We should do an outing, I don't know. I'm just using this as one example. So what does it look like to? It feels more like momentum. To me, it feels like starting to push a heavy wheel or a ball and seeing it starting to move and being like, oh, we need to go this way, and having more fluidity in the process, and I think that allows you to be more present versus okay, well, I checked one dinner night off the week, now let me get 51 more, like a goal to me. This is just for me. Maybe you all are different, but it causes me to detach from the experience more because I'm just trying to get the thing done, versus actually being involved and present and enjoying the process. So process orientation to me is more of an unfolding. It allows more room for intuitive movement and flexibility and guidance. It allows more room for spontaneity than just a specific like really structured goal.

Speaker 1: 11:34

Again, maybe atypical new year's advice, but there'll be some caveats to this coming. Number two, I would. The question that I will pose to you is how do we make the soil as fertile as we can versus how can we squeeze as much juice as humanly possible out of each lemon? Let me say this differently, because that feels kind of confusing to start that way. I've been reflecting a lot. I'm actually reading a book right now. Someday I would love to have this author on. If you know her, know how to get ahold of her.

Speaker 1: 12:11

Regenerative Business is the name of the book I'm reading right now and I have been thinking about and talking about if you've been listening to the podcast episodes about what does it mean to work differently? And so I think that there's a constant temptation in business particularly but I think it filters into all of our life to ask how we can maximize a thing, a person or a system or a situation, and how we can create efficiencies, why, I mean, like every I'm I'm actually I'm a maximizer in the StrengthsFinder personality inventory. So, like personality inventories are aimed at two things. Right On the plus side to me, they're aimed at finding somebody's unique abilities and talents and when they're functioning in them, that feels really good for that individual.

Speaker 1: 13:05

On the other side of it, which I think we can manipulate as employers or leaders or team members, we could be looking at that person as a commodity or as an object and we're saying, well, how can I maximize you? How can I get the most? The question is, how can I extract as much as I can from you and get every penny's worth? So we're actually looking at a person and the value of their time and extraction from them. How can I get the most out of you for the littlest amount of input is the question. That's maximizing and that's creating efficiency, and that's the way that our system and our society has been built. That's not all bad. That is not a whole perspective, and I think we are much more than objects as humans. And so the question I would like to ask is, instead of how can I get the most from somebody? What if the question was more regenerative in nature?

Speaker 1: 14:06

So I'm asking, if I'm, you know, as I'm building my businesses and my opportunities, I'm going to challenge myself because I know I will not be perfect at this but to ask the question how can I create such a rich environment? How can I make the soil here so fertile that everything flourishes, that it can't help but flourish? So, instead of asking how much I can get, I'm asking where do I have abundance in my life, in my resources, in my energy, in my time? What do I have in abundance that I can offer to this situation, to earth, to relationships, so that it is better off because I've been here, not that. What can I take from it? And I know this might ruffle some feathers, and frankly, I hope it does, because I think we need to turn that script around.

Speaker 1: 15:04

I think we and I do believe that, as we do that everybody gets what they wanted to begin with, which is thrive. We want to thrive. It's a thriving environment, but we're, I think, oftentimes approaching it kind of backwards, upside down, with a view of extraction how can I get the most out of it? How can I juice this lemon, for everything it's worth? Here's 20 lemons on this tree. How can I get the most juice out of each lemon? Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze so I can get more. Let's just squeeze it harder. Let's just pulverize this lemon to get everything we can out of it, instead of being like how could I nourish this soil? What could I do to give to this tree so that it is the most flourishing tree that it could possibly be? And then maybe I don't have to squeeze every lemon to death and maybe it offers more to me than I could know what to do with it. And so then we get to look at the abundance that comes from it and do something with the overflow. Yeah, I'm saying it.

Speaker 1: 16:18

If you didn't catch it already, there was an ad at the beginning of this episode that I am kicking up real estate again and there's a few things that have kept me from doing it sooner, mainly that I just needed this break that I've had over the last six months and it's sort of come to life again. One of the most exciting things to me about that vehicle is that the opportunity to build a business where I get to explore and, I'm going to say, test these ideals and I get to do this with clients. How can I work with clients, whether it's coaching or keynote speaking or real estate clients? How can I work with people in a way so that they I'm giving more and not giving from a place of burnout, but giving from a place of abundance? How can I leave them better off than when they first met me? The goal should be that somebody joins my business or that I hire somebody to my business and that I consider how can, when they leave my business because I think it's good that people get wings and fly, maybe they'll stay forever, but that's probably not going to happen so, like when leave, what can I do to make sure they leave better than when they showed up? That is regeneration because, guess what, they leave in abundance, they leave coming from a fertile soil environment and they're going to go and do the same thing. That is regeneration. Our environment needs it, nature needs it, our communities need it, our relationships need it.

Speaker 1: 17:58

So now let me give the caveat to that, because some of you listening to this are givers and you might be giving for different reasons. You might be giving because it feels good to be the martyr. You might be giving, yeah, because there's like a selfish, there's something you get from it which is not all bad right. You might be giving out of guilt, out of shame, out of duty, or maybe you have an employer that is squeezing every drop of juice and you are the lemon and you just feel like you don't have a choice in that. If that's you, I'm not telling you to give more Today. I would say to you if that's you, it's time to set your boundary and say I am dry, my roots are dry, I am wilting, I don't have anything more to give. This needs to be a more nourishing environment. No, this is not okay. This needs to be a more nourishing environment. No, this is not okay. And maybe make suggestions for how it can be better. Whether this is an environment sorry, a work environment or potentially in a relationship.

Speaker 1: 19:09

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be like from a FU standpoint. It can be from a knowing that if you continue to give, give, give, give, give, you will burn out. People are burning out all over the place and I'm a broken record. I know you're seeing it. A lot of you are feeling it and you feel like there's no option but to keep giving until you absolutely fry yourself.

Speaker 1: 19:40

We are a reflection of nature. Nature is burning out because of how much we are extracting. Nature is giving and we're taking more than nature can give. People are giving in relationships, they're giving in the workplace and we're extracting more than people can sustainably give. So sustainability is sort of the next level, right. It's like well, rather than me, take more that they can give. How about I take the same amount that they can give? So it'll be just like a one for one. That's what sustainability means. Except I think that sustainability isn't really sustainable. We think we've been working sustainably. We think that we're like sustainable in our environment. We are consuming and extracting more than what is currently being produced or is able to be produced. That is not sustainable. It's just like going downhill. So regenerative approach is how can we create systems and create environments kind of like weeds like weeds just all, by the way? Do a little research. Weeds A lot of them aren't really weeds, they're like medicinal, they're nutritional and we've been told they're weeds. I don't really know why. I need to do more research on this, but anyways, they thrive.

Speaker 1: 21:01

After a tantrum and a baby that just like pooped, pooped everywhere, and I was like I can't close these car doors and let them scream and let crap run out the side of the onesie, like I'm not putting the cart back, I'm getting in my car and I'm going to be thankful for the person that's putting the cart back for me, cause just today I can't, right, but these days I can. And like what if? Every time I went to the grocery store, I was like how can I leave this place better than when I found it? This is not a new concept. This is like surface level to me. Right, it's very practical things. But think about that on an energetic, emotional, societal, systemic level. What are the systems I can create? How can I nourish my employees, how can I nourish clients' relationships so that everything is better off than when I found it, and how, and maybe that will be like a little bit of the pay it forward.

Speaker 1: 21:59

So, um, that's another thought for the new year that may be a little atypical, okay, this feels like a bit of a caveat to me towards the first point that I said about process orientation versus goal orientation. It's tangential, sort of so number four, I think it's number four for numbering them. Um, structure can create freedom or a prison. I know they're opposites, um, only you know which one you need. Now, and we go through seasons. I'm coming into a season where I will benefit from more structure rather than less. I was just in a season where I needed less structure to regenerate my body and my emotional wellbeing and all of the things.

Speaker 1: 22:55

And so, when we lack structure, if you don't have enough of it, all of your creativity and your good intention doesn't have a contained space to flourish in. So it we often need that structure. It's like, uh, paint a painting. Well, where, just paint a painting. Well, here's a canvas. Oh, within these parameters, there's my structure, got it. Like, paint a painting when, on that wall, we want a mural. Okay, on that wall, there's my parameters, there's my boundary, there's my foundation. That structure creates freedom for the creativity and the intention and the movement to move right.

Speaker 1: 23:43

So if we don't have structure in our days, if we don't have habits that we're building, we often also feel a lack, like the freedom isn't really free. Does that make sense? Like it needs structure to actually feel free, which is sort of counterintuitive. But I think you know what I mean by that. Right, think like a bowling lane. What if, like a bowling alley, didn't have gutters? The gutters are like, they're the parameters, they are the structure. It would be like no, I want my bowling ball to be totally free and you just whip it across 10 lanes. The freedom isn't true freedom, it's just chaos. So the structure allows the freedom to flourish. That makes sense.

Speaker 1: 24:35

Now, where structure becomes prison, this is where I think a lot of people in our society if you're kind of an A-type especially we can live in that where we're like discipline, discipline, discipline, discipline, extraction. How can I extract more, how can I get more, how can I produce more? Because more is always more, and so you're constantly thinking about work and producing more and extracting more and consuming more, and that requires more discipline and more effort and more time and again that leads to burnout. More is not more, more is not more. More discipline isn't more More structure isn't always more.

Speaker 1: 25:23

So if you have been living in a super regimented, disciplined, go go, go, go go mode, that is probably feeling really confining to you because it's so structured, really confining to you because it's so structured you really don't have freedom within the structure. It is a both and again, we need both the. The structure is the masculine. The freedom and the creativity and the flourishing within it is the feminine. Everything energetic, that's moving, that's being born, that's creating or being created is the feminine. We need the structure. We need the nine months of pregnancy within a womb to birth a baby. The baby growing is the creative part, the time and the body is the structure that contains the creation. So we need both. We need both always.

Speaker 1: 26:13

But if you don't have one or the other, I like to say that if we have too much feminine or too much creativity all creativity. Too much feminine, we flake out. Too much masculine, we burn out, and so you need to have both, but only you know what you need. So if you're in a time in life where you've had very little structure and you're feeling really free, like, can you be honest with yourself and say, hey, it's time for me to switch this up. And if you are like, yeah, but Goggins, fucking, I'm going to go, go, go, go, go, cause like I'm going to beat myself to a pulp, like it's probably time for some nourishing, freedom and creativity and sensuality and playfulness, like you will feel better, you will feel better after you get some rest and some nourishment.

Speaker 1: 27:14

And circling back to that first first point, again about being process oriented versus goal oriented, I think that also one of the ways, especially in the new year, you can think about that is is looking at developing habits. And I'm going to use the word developing like put an asterisk on that or italicize that, because I I am notoriously, or was, I really don't think I'm this way at all anymore but um was notoriously all or nothing. So it's like, well, I'm going to do 75 hard and it's two workouts a day and it's what a gallon of water and it's all these things which I've actually never done 75 hard, I'm just using this as an example. Um, and if I missed day I'm just using this as an example and if I missed day, let's say 36, 75 days and I missed day 36, then I'm like F it. I messed it up, now I'm quitting.

Speaker 1: 28:11

And then you quit and it's like you're 36 days into a 75 hard that's amazing, don't quit. You've been developing a habit. Well, 25 hard that's amazing, don't quit. You've been developing a habit. Well, let's say you're three days in and you miss it and you decide well, I'm no good, I'm just like a failure at these bootcamp things. And then you quit. It's like don't do that. That you will quote, unquote, fail. You will not be perfect.

Speaker 1: 28:36

A child learning to walk falls, falls, falls, falls, falls. And you don't get over there and look at them and say, oh my God, you should. Just you decide you walked one day. Why can't you walk every day all the time, perfectly, like. You understand that it's part of like learning balance, and there are things in your body that need to adjust to it. So you wouldn't talk to your kid that way. You shouldn't talk to yourself that way. I hope to God you wouldn't talk to your kid that way, but it's the same thing.

Speaker 1: 29:06

So, if anything new, a new intention, a new process, a new way of showing up that you've determined you want to set out in this new year, in neuro-linguistic programming there's a phrase. They say that there is no failure, there's only feedback, and I'm sure you've heard this a million times. Like the Thomas Edison, it was like 10,000 tries before he got the light bulb to actually work, and every time it didn't work, it wasn't a failure, it was data. For what didn't work, it was like oh well, that didn't work. Let me try another thing, let me experiment with this.

Speaker 1: 29:41

It's similar to me when you're developing a new habit that is a part of you becoming a new person. Like you want to read every day, three pages every day. One day you don't read and it's not. Well, now I failed. It's. What is the data? What's the feedback?

Speaker 1: 29:56

I stayed up really late the night before. I didn't sleep well because I had an extra glass of wine. Okay, that's feedback. Well, is it worth it to me to not stay up so late or not be on my phone so that I can follow through on being a person that reads? Yeah, it's worth it. Okay, well, let's do it again tomorrow. So that is the process of becoming. That's not a. We don't just wake up and decide very rarely, unless it's like a literal miracle that happens in your brain. Um, you set an intention about who you're becoming and then you work out the process. You work out the process and you learn from it. Okay, that's what I have for you on this new year. Okay, have a banging day, have a bang in her, a more banging, have a more banging 2025. Happy new year, everyone. Bye.