Pip And Squeak Hijack The Holidays With Zero Planning And Maximum Mischief

What happens when two holiday agents of chaos barricade a studio and decide to host their own “festive special”? We crank the mics, ditch the plan, and turn December into a glittering avalanche of bits, banter, and questionable wisdom. It’s a rogue broadcast where the only rules are “don’t press the big red button” and “we already pressed it.”

We charge through the season’s soft spots with reckless cheer: fruitcake as a friendship test, tinsel as household glitter you never escape, and eggnog as both beverage and moral gamble. The invite drama gets real—open bars, forgotten emails, and the phantom Christmas bonus—before a parody of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” veers spectacularly off the nice list. Between laughs, we drop strangely useful advice: keep outlets under control, deep-fry turkeys outside, and don’t trust any drink that tastes like nutmeg and secrets.

The mailbag is a show of its own: an HOA citation for a 20-foot inflatable, a yodeler trapped with a sock-drawer chipmunk, Tom begging us to stop mailing “emotional support elk,” and a smart eight-year-old suggesting we come with warning labels. We also tour global traditions—Japan’s KFC Christmas, the Icelandic Yule Cat, Krampus Night, and Spain’s candy-pooping log—and argue about what traditions are really for: comfort, chaos, or coping with winter. Somewhere in the madness, a sincere note peeks through: joy isn’t the perfect tree or the perfect plan; it’s that one bright moment you actually feel.

If you crave polished holiday content, Mike and Tom will be back to restore order. If you’re here for unfiltered cheer, flawed logic, and a surprising amount of heart, this takeover is your seasonal chaos capsule. Hit play, share a laugh, and tell us your weirdest holiday tradition—we’ll read the best ones on air. Subscribe, rate, and leave a review to keep this circus lit through the long winter nights.

Transcript

The Unsupervised Holiday Takeover Begins

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome back to the MT Alternative Podcast. The show where structure is optional. Facts are negotiable. And today, management has completely lost control. Mike and Thomas are not in the studio. No. This week they made the bold reckless and frankly HR questionable decision to hand the keys over to Pickett's week for a so-called holiday takeover. What was supposed to be a festive episode has quickly become an unsupervised experiment involving questionable decorations. Zero planning. And a strong belief that holiday spirit excuses everything. There will be no music timelines. There will be no meaningful insights. So call yourself something seasonal, lower your expectations, and prepare for chaos wrapped in tinsel. This is the MT Alternative Podcast. Pip and Squeak's holiday takeover. God help us all.

SPEAKER_04 0:52

Hey, happy holidays to you, Squeak.

SPEAKER_05 0:55

Yeah, now that you shit at what's going on.

SPEAKER_04 0:58

We got the child of the studio.

SPEAKER_05 1:01

I know, I'm excited. Lock the door. Just in case, lock the door.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:09

And look what I got us. I'll be indulging in these little goodies today.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Well wow.

SPEAKER_05 1:19

There is some rules though. Rules? Yes. Well, I'd like to go over them quickly before we begin.

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 1:29

Okay. Do not touch any buttons that say do not touch. That's stupid.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

Do not touch. See, like that button right there.

SPEAKER_05 1:39

This one? The big red one, don't touch that one. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Well, god damn it.

SPEAKER_05 1:45

So don't do this. No, don't touch Don't touch the button screen. Okay, okay, but I won't touch that. Okay, there's no eating on the control panel. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why what? No what?

SPEAKER_04 2:02

No vulgarities.

SPEAKER_05 2:05

Oh, I can I can do that. Let's just throw these rules away. Yeah, and here's a couple of ours. Okay. Oh. We have rules? Yes, we have rules. Okay, go ahead. We must have fun. Rule number one. Don't we always? Yeah. Okay. Okay, and rule number two? Okay. We're not gonna let anybody in here until we're done. Nope. Because this is our Mama Bay special. We have alcohol. We have some tasty goodies. We're all set.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

Yes, we're set.

SPEAKER_05 2:44

We are set. Yo, how do you wanna get this Shin Ding going? Well, I'm feeling pretty festive. I am feeling pretty festive. Wow. Belly snappy dot. There you go. Spreak. Is that races? No, not at all.

unknown 3:01

Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_05 3:01

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:03

Well yeah, why can't we sing it?

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Well, I just didn't want eyes coming through the window.

SPEAKER_05 3:08

I didn't expect you to be so cheerful.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

I'm cheerful.

SPEAKER_05 3:11

I'm a little shocked.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

It's Christmas. Yeah, but this is Christmas.

SPEAKER_05 3:16

That's exactly what I'm worried about.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_05 3:20

You think Mike and Tom will regret this?

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Probably.

SPEAKER_05 3:24

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna do all I can to make sure they do. Do what? Regret it.

SPEAKER_04 3:32

Well, we don't wanna make them regret it. It just happens, right?

SPEAKER_05 3:37

Oh well, we can do it either way, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

It's gonna happen. You're right, sweet. You're right.

SPEAKER_05 3:44

A lot easier if you just go with it. Don't fight it! No, no, we might fight it. So, how do you wanna get this going?

unknown 3:56

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 3:59

Talk about our favorite Christmas traditions.

SPEAKER_05 4:02

Uh huh. Yeah. My favorite Christmas traditions. You in the uh uh tradition?

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:11

What what is it?

SPEAKER_02 4:12

I'm afraid to ask. Yeah, well, we sit around the Christmas tree.

SPEAKER_04 4:17

She sits around the tree.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

Yeah, all the way around. But anyway, but we sit around a Christmas tree and we eat popcorn and watch.

SPEAKER_05 4:28

It's a wonderful life. What's funny? It's a wonderful life. Oh yeah, it's wonderful. And every time I just had a picture in my head. Oh my god. I'd hate to see that. That's why I like that button tufted couch that we have. You have a what? A well, you know, one with all the buttonholes in it.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Yeah. The buttons inventions. Okay. Yeah. I put my fingers in anything and think I'm having a good time. Oh. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 5:06

And every once in a while, I'll get to it. There might be a little too much information there, buddy. Well, that's movie night over there. Okay. I'm feeling a little faster. Hey, dog.

SPEAKER_04 5:16

How about looking at a little more traditional type?

SPEAKER_05 5:20

Stop. Not not kinky ass shit. Oh, traditional? Yeah, you know. What do you do with the turkeys? Oh, we eat the turkeys. Yeah, don't. Ham. Turkey. Yeah, ham. I eat some ham. Okay. See? Okay. What do you do? Reminds me of one time. Yeah, this dumbass. We went. He's vegetarian. Sorry, folks. They tried, they tried to get me to eat vegetarian. Well, I like my meat. I'ma eat steak and all that stuff. But anyway, oh, here's try this. This is carrot cake. Okay. Well, of course that's vegetable. Oh, you don't have any ham in this carrot cake? What the hell? I wanted to put a ham. Exactly, but why would you say, here, try this vegetarian carrot cake? What what the hell is carrot cake anyway? It's damn fat, baby. Asshole. How did you even get to the story? Well, anyway, but how are you doing? I I'm I was doing okay. Well, I'm a little confused right now. Oh, I was too when he came at me with that damn cocaine. And it didn't have any hands. We're gonna get away from your wacky whatever it is you guys do at Christmas. Me and the missus, we sing carols, I play the piano. You're a penis? Piano. A pianist. Yeah, so you're a penis.

unknown 7:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:03

Anyway, make gingerbread cookies. I bet you do. What's wrong with that? I live down the gingerway with gingerbread cake.

SPEAKER_04 7:17

Obviously, we build a gingerbread house.

unknown 7:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 7:21

No Christmas house. Very nice.

SPEAKER_05 7:23

Sounds a lot like Hansel Gradle.

SPEAKER_04 7:26

Not at all.

SPEAKER_05 7:27

Well, she had a house made of gingerbread, nothing. No, that's that's a different sort. There's no little children going into this little teeny Don't you think we're small enough? What else is smaller than us that's gonna fit in there? Do you need a picture? I don't need a picture, Squeak. Anyways, here we get up, and the morning our little stockings are filled.

SPEAKER_04 7:54

And we just sit around the fire and just how happy and lucky we are.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Well, because you know why you get to sit around the fire and all that?

SPEAKER_05 8:04

Well, because all I thought was damn coal and we it just keeps the fire going. That's d but Oh, there you go. That's lucky. That's good for something. Without coal, you don't have heat. Yeah, without heat. Yeah. Okay, see? You're not looking at the right thing, the right side of the. There was no toys in my sock. You're a blessed. Why? Why are you going down this road, sweet?

SPEAKER_03 8:33

It's the only road I know.

SPEAKER_05 8:36

What about you know what I hate? What?

SPEAKER_04 8:39

I'll tell you what I hate. Fruitcake.

SPEAKER_05 8:43

Okay, there's another little wonder. Is it really fruitcake or is it vegetable cake? Oh, why are we going back to this? You have a fruit farm. Stop worrying about it. I don't have fruit flies. And first of all replies, you have a fruit farm. No? You grow lots of fruit. Oh my god. Anyway, we we don't make fruit salad. You brought it up, sweet. No, no. You brought it up. All I said was fruitcake. Yeah. You brought that up. Exactly. Here we go. That was terrible. No, it's not terrible at all. Okay, what what is in fruitcake? What is it? I have no idea. Nobody damn knows it's hard as a rock. You can knock out your neighbor. What okay, first off, if I give you a fruitcake, that's kinda saying, hey, fuck you. I don't even like you. That's like giving somebody candy corn and Halloween. Okay. Let's move on. Let's move on, please. Uh sorry I mentored that. What are you what do your what's your opinion on tinsel? Uh-huh, tinsel. That's a happy little string. Where does it get all flapping around all colored and shit? Why does it stick to everything? Yeah.

unknown 10:06

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_05 10:07

Can't get rid of it. No! It's like static electricity. Like when you have a real tree in your house and you're finding pine needles six months later. But why am I saying everything so so what? I'm saying everything so dramatically. That's why I was listening though. I was like, boy, he's really upset. I'm getting ready to be dramatic. Does that make me a drama queen? Oh boy. I see lots of energy. Oh, I'm leaving this shit in. I bet so. Well, anything that makes me look like a damn lady. Let's leave it. Oh, you do that yourself, buddy. You do that yourself. Just don't help from me. Oh my god. But I'm gonna knit. I just let you go. Oh, that's awful. You, you, yeah. I wouldn't do that. No. We're doing it. I just let him go. All on Yeah, it's all on you, cause pot. Yeah, whatever this freaking shit is. It's all on you, alright. Well, officer, he just let me go. Here we are. What are you are we exchanging gifts this year? Yeah, you give me one, I'll give you one. One what? A gift! You just said it!

SPEAKER_04 11:31

Wait, the way you said that was like, yeah. No, no, no, I'm not talking about that kind of gift.

SPEAKER_05 11:37

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 11:37

Nope.

SPEAKER_05 11:38

Everything I have is a present. You're offensive. Oh, a present. Yeah, you're offensive. Surprise! See? I'm very thirsty. Wait one minute. Wait, yeah, well, here we go. Anyway. Anywho? Who? What do we got here? Oh, we have uh studio protocols. Studio protocols. See? I told you. Keep beverages away from electronics. I dang it. Alright, wait. No, no, that wasn't me. Who's that egg dog away? Oh, wait. Keep squeak away from electronics. Alright, Squeak. You need to go back up. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Back up. Okay, back up. Here's a Squeak! You're not backing up, Squeak. On the latch! Where's the latch? You string out the latch, Squeak.

SPEAKER_04 12:38

Okay, Squeak. Take that little piece of paper and put it over the little window so they can't see in.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

Okay, cool. Yeah. Watch this.

SPEAKER_05 12:49

Now do what you want.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

Oh wait, you gotta take some ice shade.

SPEAKER_05 12:53

Yeah. Okay, now, now. Ain't see you.

SPEAKER_04 13:00

Now they can't see.

SPEAKER_05 13:01

Yeah. It's almost like in the hole over there.

SPEAKER_04 13:04

Phones are off, right? Nobody's calling us. Excellent. Excellent.

SPEAKER_05 13:09

Phones off?

SPEAKER_04 13:10

Excellent.

SPEAKER_05 13:13

Exactly. Exactly what? Excellent.

Party FOMO, Bonuses, And Open Bar

SPEAKER_04 13:17

Wait. You don't have anything flammable in here, do you?

SPEAKER_05 13:21

I do see anything flamable in here. I do have something. What's flammable? Besides that eggnog. Well, I did have Taco Bell last night. Oh gosh, open the talk about flammable. Please give me some warning. Please. Hey yeah, talking about the warning again. Just like Mike. Just like Mike. I always talk about the warning. Oh, that's not I was it. Oh, you're a funny guy. Yeah, welcome to my festive holidays. I wish you were Mike and Tom. I wonder if they're listening. They probably will. If they don't, I'll kick 'em.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

Well, no. I hope y'all are listening. And we get a good one.

SPEAKER_05 14:19

I hope they're enjoying the time with their family. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:23

Yeah. That's what we hope.

SPEAKER_05 14:24

Don't listen. You know, speaking of family and stuff, we were invited to Mike and his lovely wife's house.

SPEAKER_02 14:33

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_05 14:35

Me and my missus. Oh. Yeah, we were invited. Well, wait and it was a great time.

unknown 14:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 14:43

Yeah. I just want to know how good of a time we had. Mike puts on a good spread, that's all I want to say. His wife was very lovely, nice. I'm sure she was. Yeah. I yeah, you missed a good time last week. Well, what do you mean I missed? Yeah, you weren't there? No, I uh I didn't miss it. I wasn't invited. Oh. There's a difference. If I'd have been invited and didn't go, I'd missed it. I can't understand it. And then I didn't what? I can't understand why Mike wouldn't invite you to his holiday party.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

Well, well, well, I I couldn't understand it.

SPEAKER_05 15:23

Maybe you just didn't get the message or did you check your email?

SPEAKER_02 15:27

Well, well, well. I I did email.

SPEAKER_05 15:30

Did you check your email?

unknown 15:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:33

Maybe you missed it. Hot ciderton.com. Yeah, that's me. Did you have you checked your email lately? Maybe you missed it, though.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

I didn't miss nothing.

SPEAKER_05 15:45

Have you checked your mail? Your mail box?

SPEAKER_02 15:48

All my mail's bot.

SPEAKER_05 15:50

Now that sounds funny.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

Doesn't sound funny at all. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 15:53

Well, it was a great time. Well, well, tell me more. Hey, we had karaoke. Open bar.

unknown 16:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 16:02

Open bar. That's probably why you weren't invited, Squeak. What? Open bar. And let's be realistic. Is F Louise gonna fit in this place? Well, I could have drank my own. It's probably just as well. You know what? It wasn't really that great of a time anyway. Yeah, it was. You just showed me that. Well, uh, it it was hey, guess what?

SPEAKER_02 16:29

I got invited.

SPEAKER_05 16:31

I got invited over to Tom's house. Tom was at Mike's party.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

Well.

SPEAKER_05 16:43

See, that's exactly why he didn't answer. That day, well, oh wait. And his lovely wife was there also. Well, lovely wife.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

Wait, let me just okay.

SPEAKER_05 16:57

You know, Tom and Mike are really, really nice guys.

SPEAKER_02 17:01

They are.

SPEAKER_05 17:02

They are.

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Well, okay, wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_05 17:05

Wait, okay, you did get your bonus, all right. You never came to my house.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

No, I'm just saying that's what Tom did. He said, come on over, I'll be there, come on. And then he knew he wasn't gonna be there, by God, and I had to go all the way over.

SPEAKER_05 17:26

You know Tom's forgetful.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Forgetful.

SPEAKER_05 17:29

You know that.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Well, wait, he got ten seconds, Tom.

SPEAKER_05 17:35

Well, yeah. How about your bonus? Did you get your bonus? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Who you been talking to? What do you mean? I'm talking to you right now. I haven't been boned by anybody. Your Christmas bonus that Mike and Tom gave. Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait. Okay, that's even worse. What? A Christmas bonus? A bonus? Yeah. Yeah, a little extra. Monies? Wait. How okay, but check your mail in the hell do you get extra monies when there's not monies in the first day of place? Why can Tom have monies? No. Okay. Where's my monies? I don't know why you didn't. Maybe you had to be there to receive it. No, that's not what happened. You know, let's get back to what a good time the holiday party. But this is what this is about. Holidays, family. No need to get angry. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's a misunderstanding somewhere. Just a misunderstanding. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:46

But we'll get back to what we were talking about, buddy. I'm sorry to upset you.

SPEAKER_05 18:51

Reminds me of a movie I watched one time.

SPEAKER_04 18:54

Yeah, okay. Hey, have you drove around the neighborhoods, everybody's Christmas lights? And all the some of those inflatables are pretty cool.

SPEAKER_05 19:04

Yeah, I got I got an inflatable under my band there. And uh squeak, squeak, squeak, what?

SPEAKER_04 19:11

Christmas inflatables.

SPEAKER_05 19:13

Yeah, I she got a little Christmas hat. And and no no no, squeak, squeak. What? What? Santa Brain. She saw for me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 19:26

We're not talking about that kind of inflatable buddy.

unknown 19:30

Huh?

SPEAKER_04 19:30

The ones that people have in their yards. Not under their beds. Not in their closet.

SPEAKER_05 19:38

Out in the yard. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Traditional. Not not sweet traditional. I guess. There you go, buddy. There you go. All that cakey stuff, I get it.

SPEAKER_04 19:55

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

unknown 19:58

No.

SPEAKER_04 19:58

Anyway, you would Telling me you had a poem you like to read.

SPEAKER_05 20:02

A poem? You said you had a really nice bucket for the day's Christmas. It was the night before. But that's the one, yeah. Go ahead, share that screen. Okay, well, everybody picture this sitting around the eyes. This is a wholesome. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah. Alright. Yeah, Mom home from the cat house and me out of jail. Wait a minute, we had just settled down for a nice piece of tail. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_04 20:44

What kind of tradition is this?

SPEAKER_05 20:46

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter. I hopped from old Ma to see what was the matter. You hopped white? Yeah. Yeah. To the window I flew like a sash, towed up into the shutters and busted my ass. Oh no. But then when went to my wondering eye should appear. A rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. A little old driver pounding his dick. Oh, stop. I would have met it was old. I say what? Tweet that no. No, no, no. We're not doing that. No. No, no, no. That's not a wholesome phone. No.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

It was all wholesome. No, no. It's a wholesome.

SPEAKER_05 21:33

That's not the way this no. That's not the night before Christmas at all. Oh, what? Maybe a trailer park, Bill. Well, yeah, well, where I growed up. Anyway, moving on. Moving on. Yeah, that was a good show in the six. It really was. It was a good show. Moving on. I I have no problem agreeing with you on that. Skip right along. Devil skip de-do. Let's take a pause for a second here.

unknown 22:05

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Did you wait until December 24th at 9 47 p.m.? Perfect. Come on down to last-minute regret gift emporium, where every gift screams, I panicked. Ha ha! Choose from scented candles that smell like ambiguity, novelty socks no one asked for, and mugs that say, it's wine o'clock. Because personality is hard. Last-minute regret gift emporium. When love is real, but effort is seasonal.

Sincere Holiday Message Goes Sideways

SPEAKER_05 22:36

Okay, I'd like to give a little Christmas festive this week if you don't mind. Why would I mind? Okay. Oh my goodness, here it comes, everybody. Don't be rude. I'm not being rude. I'm trying to be sincere here. I was listening to you. Uh well now, don't that Harley look jollier than Screak after three mugs of bags. Listen, friends. Christmas ain't about perfect trees. Perfect cookies are perfect relatives. It's about finding one bright little moment that makes your heart feel bigger than Screet's grocery bill. But so breed, smile, and enjoy the sparkle where you find it. Merry Christmas, you marvelous humans. Thank you for letting me say that. Well, you're welcome. Thank you for letting me let you be in the army. I mean say that. Oh.

unknown 23:35

That would just have matched the head.

SPEAKER_05 23:37

Oh, you have a message you'd like to say? Oh, yeah. Other people? Yeah, here's an inspirational holiday message. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 23:49

This will be inspirational.

SPEAKER_05 23:51

Yeah, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

Is what it means because your dad went after a pack of smokes and never come back.

SPEAKER_05 24:00

Well, Merry Christmas to y'all. Yeah, how about a black eye? Bam! And there you go.

SPEAKER_04 24:07

Oh, that was wow.

The Gift Exchange Nobody Asked For

SPEAKER_05 24:10

That was hot belt, Sweet. I feel the lung. Anyways, moving on. Okay. I you had some hot cakes. Wait, hot cakes? When did I get hot cakes? Wait a minute. Before we do the hot cakes, I didn't have any hot cakes. I'm hungry. What's the weirdest gift you ever got this week from Christmas? Anal beads. Yeah, yeah. She gave them to me right there. Who's she? Ethelouise. Why would she give you anal beads? I don't know. That's what I was wondering. Have you tried them? Well I don't want to say. Oh, okay. It's just funny. But no, it's not funny. Oh, it's not funny. Well, it tickles. I'm not saying. You're trying to inspire this information out of me. Oh. And want me to tell you that, oh, yeah, poop, poop, poop, and think I'm out. Oh. And it tickles and that's what you want me to say.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

Well, I'm not done. Uh-uh.

unknown 25:27

No.

SPEAKER_05 25:27

You already said it. But anyway, that's that's what I got. Straight. I don't know why she would have given them to me. I don't like that. Oh, that's sounds surprising. That's all. I'm just surprised. Well, could you imagine me giving them to her? Wow. Well, yeah, because I'd have to grab a great old big basketball thing. The weirdest have you seen how big cheese? The weirdest gift I ever got was a stupid little butt bug? No, it wasn't even that. Oh, something like a tea thing for tea. Yeah, grind your tea leaves. What the hell are you talking about? Tea? Yeah, that's what I said, tea. Wait, what did you have? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just a damn minute. I have a question. Sure, go ahead. Who are you hanging out with that gives you shit like that? Well, better than someone giving me anal beads. No, no, anal beads was kind of a surprise. That's the ending kind of thing. Speaking of. How are you going to end with tea? Well, but speaking of. That was a Boston tea. It's time for our little gift exchange. What? It's time for our gift exchange. We're gonna exchange gifts? Yes. Well shit. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What do you mean, uh-oh? Was I supposed to it'd be wait. Oh, I I do have something. Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah. What you whatcha got? I have a gift. What'd you gift? You're looking at him. I'm I'm the one that gives all year long. You just a little thing with tradition we're gonna start. We exchange gifts. Oh, okay. When we gonna start that? Now. Now that'd be a bad idea. Not a bad idea. Well, funny thing is, I got you a gift.

SPEAKER_02 27:29

Well, that ain't funny at all.

SPEAKER_05 27:31

Open it. Okay. What the hell is this? It'll be. Oh, right. I didn't know that the Louise got you the home. Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Okay, what what what made you want it wanna get a do you have a receipt? No. I've been double gifted. No, that's good. That ain't good. Okay, do you realize what I'm gonna look like when I walk up into Walmart or Target and say, ma'am, I have two sand tomato beads. I just don't need both of them.

Listener Letters And HOA Trouble

SPEAKER_03 28:12

My butt won't take it. And you just gotta take one of them, but well, I don't know if they were both used.

SPEAKER_05 28:22

I didn't use but one of them. And you had to figure that out. Well I'm appalled. Use them proudly, sweet. Proudly proudly.

SPEAKER_02 28:36

Well, what about the little girl behind the counter that I gotta go and exchange these things? She's gonna help.

SPEAKER_05 28:43

How you gonna be able to tell which ones was used? Well, you can't just do that to somebody. Well, these may or may not have been used before. Well, what the hell? What kind of gift is this? I don't like hey, I have an idea, Ethel. Let's just get our buddy a string with some damn band on him that he can cut up his butt. We get it, sweet. Well, that's dumb. We all know you're using balls on Squir. Everybody knows. Okay, well, how else are you gonna know which one was the best? Alright. Let's move on, Squeak. I wanna hear Squeak's holiday cakes. Well, my holiday cake, yeah. Don't hear the anal beats. Okay, that's dumb. First off. Yeah, that's stupid. Well, okay, then you want me to go. Okay, so okay, we'll be right back after this commercial.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

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SPEAKER_05 30:14

And now, holiday hotcakes from Screak. I don't want any hot cakes. Okay, we already know you don't want hot somebody said hot cakes. Yeah, well, you hot cakes.

SPEAKER_04 30:27

Oh, cakes, yes, yeah, yeah, holiday hotcakes.

SPEAKER_05 30:30

Well, here this whole time I thought we were gonna have hot cakes and sausage. Well, cheat. That's what people usually do Christmas morning and make a big old break. Yeah, but this isn't Christmas morning, buddy.

unknown 30:41

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 30:42

Well, it's a holiday special.

SPEAKER_05 30:43

Oh, that's uh Yeah, listen, this is we just do this ahead of time like all the other big shows. Oh, so that's just for teen. Yeah, but we're pretending. Okay, yeah. Okay, we're gonna go.

SPEAKER_04 30:54

Okay, so if we got sausage and fucking cakes again, it's hot cakes, buddy, not hot cakes.

SPEAKER_05 31:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 31:02

No hot cakes.

SPEAKER_05 31:03

Okay, none.

SPEAKER_04 31:04

No. No breakfast.

SPEAKER_05 31:06

That's just it. We need your hot cakes. Okay. Okay. Hot cakes. There you go. Okay. Any any holiday hot cakes for the people? Yes. Oh. Well, what will they be? Do not plug 17 damn plugins in one outlet.

SPEAKER_04 31:25

That would be our PSA for the end of the show.

SPEAKER_05 31:29

Well, I don't know who the PSA is. He present right here. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_04 31:35

What kind of structure? Structured. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:37

That's what we were doing. Well, I don't know my holiday takes. Did we talk about that? Something fun or good or any shopping you gotta do or anything? Oh yeah. Oh, yeah, let's all go get medicine. Wait a minute. Okay, what happened? Well, that pisses y'all. You spend all this money every damn month on inchurch. Okay, in church. Oh, what a big anyway. Okay. Yeah. And I'm gonna have a heart attack right here. Don't do that, Sprink.

SPEAKER_04 32:10

It's a holiday special.

SPEAKER_05 32:12

Oh yeah. Anyway, yay. I could have bought somebody some holida. I could have got you two sets of anal means. If I would have had money, but yeah, I bet you are anyway. So you're not going Christmas shopping? No, because I have no money left. The insurance$700 a month. And then and then guess what?

unknown 32:37

What?

SPEAKER_05 32:37

$200 for medicine. Well, what the hell is the insurance for? Dumbasses. What would it be without the insurance? What? I said, well, what would it be without the insurance? I guess it'd be shit out a lot, I guess, because uh, or if you didn't have insurance, would it be cheaper? Sure it would. You go give So there you go. No, but you have to go stand in line. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:08

Get rid of the insurance.

SPEAKER_05 33:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 33:12

Say you just cross the border. Oh, wait a minute. This is a holiday.

SPEAKER_02 33:17

Wait, yeah, you can't. We should carry it away. Sorry about that. Please not me after.

SPEAKER_05 33:24

I do have some holiday letters. That I'd like to read.

SPEAKER_02 33:28

Oh boy. We got fans?

SPEAKER_05 33:32

We got fans?

SPEAKER_02 33:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 33:34

We have many fans. How many? I'm not. We're just gonna go down and order how we get 'em. Okay. Don't be so anxious.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

I'm anxious to know who our fans are.

SPEAKER_05 33:46

Okay. Let's see, from we have a letter here from Gerald F. Pumpernickel. Oh, he's a professional yodeler.

SPEAKER_03 33:56

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 33:56

Well, with that name, you better be a professional something or other, because only she. Hey, don't make fun of one of our fans. Sweet? What? He's one of our fans. Let's read the letter. Don't judge.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 34:15

Seasons greetings from my cabin in the Alps. Or, technically, a slightly slanted Airbnb outside Pittsburgh. But wait a minute.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

That's a little bit more.

SPEAKER_05 34:26

Here's this guy saying Alright, wait a minute. Don't judge. I wanted to wish you both a Merry Holiday. It's Merry Christmas, buddy.

unknown 34:35

Yeah, okay.

Door Pounding And Studio Siege

SPEAKER_05 34:35

And also ask if either of you know how to remove a chipmunk that has declared squatters rights in my sock drawer. Hey, squeak that's up your alley, buddy. No, no, no. Anyway, keep up the good work. No one causes festive confusion quite like you two. Warm Yodels. Gerald F. Pumpernickel.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 34:59

Dear Mr. Pumpernickel. Let me just answer this letter by saying, you're a damn idiot. But Squeak?

unknown 35:07

Well.

SPEAKER_05 35:08

It's a fan. Squeak. Okay. Let's go to the next one, Squeak. Okay. Yeah, I think you know this one. Letter from Enchantress Mildred of the Holiday HOA. Oh. Pierce. Shear a Speaker. Here is Squeak. It has come to my attention that your seasonal display violates at least nine clauses of the Southside Holiday Aesthetic Code. Specifically. Oh the inflatable Squeak wearing a shadow beard is 20 feet taller than regulations allow.

SPEAKER_03 35:41

Yeah.

Weird Traditions Around The World

SPEAKER_05 35:43

The reindeer replacement goats appear to be on. Well, well, that was for New York. We got the goats for the new new mare. We we were trying to be helpful with all that shit going on up there. Okay. And the nativity scene featuring Pip as a wise man has been deemed emotionally convicted. What the hell, Squeak? Well, see? Wait, please fix immediately, or we'll be forced to send the gingerbread enforcement team. Well, festively Enchantress Milgret.

SPEAKER_02 36:18

Did she send a picture?

SPEAKER_05 36:20

There is a picture in here.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

Enchantress.

SPEAKER_05 36:23

Oh God. Oh, good lord.

SPEAKER_03 36:25

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 36:25

Oh, good lord. Oh, yes. Okay. Well, listen. How did I seen it?

SPEAKER_02 36:30

I can't see it. Okay, didn't see it.

unknown 36:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 36:33

I think I'm gonna go ahead and take all my shit down and apply to her standards.

SPEAKER_05 36:40

She she looks like she means business. What are you saying, squeak? And her business looks good. Sweet! Did you see the picture? Anyway, good Lord. I can get in good way. At the Louise, we have a letter from Ethel. Oh no. Yeah, Squeak. What? Tell ship to quit sending me fruitcakes. Can I fruitcake? Wait, wait, wait. The door stops die the skies as bacons. One broke for a cable. Yeah. I've been doing stupid shit too, Squeak. I have a question. What's up? What are you sending my woman cake for? Well, she eats a lot, right? Well, that got nothing to do with it. Well, let me finish. Let's see what she says. Well. Also, please come pick up your collection of holiday sweater vests.

SPEAKER_03 37:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 37:40

The cat has nested in them and refuses to leave. Love Ethel's. Yeah. You have a lot of stupid holiday vests. Sweater vests. Yeah. I wear those. Yeah, I know you do. Even when it's not holiday season. Well, other than the cat hair, it looks good with the t-shirt that barely covers your tummy stomach, and then you get that holiday vest. What's wrong with that? Quite the attire. Yeah. Alright. Well, you see, we moved my Santa Claus hat. We gotta. Oh. Hey, hey! Tom sent the letter.

SPEAKER_03 38:15

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 38:17

Pip and squeak. Tom here. Everything is fine, totally fine. Please stop mailing me reindeer. Please stop calling them emotional support elk. Please stop telling my neighbors they're part of a living advent calendar. I'm begging you. Happy holidays, Tom. Does that sound like a cry for help? A little. Where's where's he getting all these damn reindeers? Yeah, it's like he's trying to say something. Sort of like I'm sending him or something. Yeah. Oh, hell with him.

SPEAKER_02 38:47

Yeah, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_05 38:49

Oh, we got a letter here from Rupert. That guy that does the beginning of Mike and Tom's show.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

Oh, that guy.

SPEAKER_05 38:56

That idiot. I mean, that that nice gentleman.

SPEAKER_02 39:00

Are we gonna be able to understand it?

SPEAKER_05 39:03

Uh well, I'm not gonna speak. Just let me read it, squeak to Pip and Squeak. I've been informed incorrectly, I hope, that the two of you intend to run the entire to holiday episode. We did. Yeah. Before this goes horribly wrong, please remember. No carol remixes involving power tools. No eggnog taste tests that require a chip turge. That's too late for that. Too freaking late. Yeah, dumbass. And under no circ circumstances, and squeak aloud near the mistletoe cannon again. Ha ha ha me guys, Rupert. Two oh three eight, bye. Thank you, Rupert. Who is a letter from a confused eight year old listener? This is serious.

SPEAKER_03 39:50

Okay, wait a minute. This is serious. Eight year old.

SPEAKER_05 39:54

Hi, Pippin Spreek. My mom says you show your show is funny, but she also says you You two should come with warning labels. What? For Christmas? Can you send me one of those screaky microphones, screak users? Oh, use a squeaky microphone? I don't use one of those. What the h- also? Why does Pip sound like he's tired of screak all the time? Sincerely a kid who's probably shouldn't be listening. I love you, buddy.

SPEAKER_02 40:25

Yeah, why is it? I love you, man. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 40:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_05 40:32

Alright. Maybe I tolerate you. Alright. We have one more letter from the ghost of holiday decorating mistakes past. Uh-oh. Pip, sweet. We meet again. Again? This year? Please stop using tinsel in ways. Tinsel was not meant to be used. Oh wait, did they find a vacuum cleaner union has filed a grievance? Who the hell is a vacuum cleaner? Uh who the what are they? Wait a minute. Who said the vacuum vacuum cleaner union? Yeah, right. Well, then let me give you some rainbow advice. Mr. Uber. Mr. Uber. You suck. That's good one, Squeak. That's good one. What the hell, Squeak? You can be more original than that. Okay, well then let's take this. I had a vacuum cleaner one time. Yeah. It did? Yep. You know what I done? What'd you do? I stuck a Dallas Cowboy Zimbabwe monkey and Are you serious? Yep. You are.

unknown 41:36

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 41:38

Well, this is a good time for one more commercial.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

This holiday season, impress your family with Grandma's Mystery Fudge, the only fudge with an ingredients list officially sealed by the FDA. Each batch contains a unique combination of something, maybe chocolate, and whatever grandma found in the pantry after her third glass of boxed rind. Side effects include nostalgia, confusion, and brief moments of wait, was this paprika? Grandma's Mystery Fudge give the gift of flavor, danger, and tradition.

SPEAKER_05 42:07

Hey, hey. Who's banging at the door? I don't know, Richard and Tom. I hope not.

unknown 42:14

Shh.

SPEAKER_05 42:16

Oh, hey, screw you guys. You let us in, screw you. This is our show. They can't see you neither. Yeah, dumbasses.

unknown 42:25

Put the tail thing over the window. Screw you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 42:29

I have a present for you. Give it to them, Squeak. AnalBee. Oh, no, no, squeak. Those are for you, buddy. No, I don't need two pairs. I already told you that. You already use one. That's kind of disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 42:44

Well, and I can't figure out which one I did.

SPEAKER_05 42:49

That were they moist?

SPEAKER_02 42:51

No.

SPEAKER_05 42:52

No, no, no. Are they still moist? No. No. Not at all? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's move on. Let's move on. Okay, we'll move on, buddy. Okay. Hey. Remember last year Mike and Tom did some like stupid traditions?

SPEAKER_03 43:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 43:14

Do you remember any of them? I I remember some. How about the Christmas pickle? Christmas pickle. You remember that one? Yeah, I got your Christmas pickle right over there. It's a pickle ornament hidden in the tree. That sounds like an in-the-window for something. In the window.

SPEAKER_04 43:33

Whoever finds it gets a prize. Whoever finds it, they get a prize. Yeah, they get a prize.

SPEAKER_05 43:40

You find me in the window, you'll get a surprise.

SPEAKER_04 43:43

It's a culinary emergency squeeze.

SPEAKER_05 43:46

A culinary emergency? Yeah. Sounds a whole lot like the restaurant we ate at. Yeah. Oh, that could be. You're right. Hey! KFC! Christmas in Japan's pretty big. Yeah. Christmas in Japan. It's pretty big here. Christmas in July. That's stupid. Finally, a country that understands fact of cuisine. Yes. Very festive cuisine. But nothing like a bucket of KFC chicken. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:17

Come on, buddy.

SPEAKER_05 44:18

I love Lake. I like the extra crispy. Yeah, I like the original recipe. You are original. There's no one like you, buddy. Not at all. Well, they broke they made you, they broke the mold. Thank you. Thank God. No, not that kind of mold. Oh.

unknown 44:39

I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 44:40

Hey, here's your little buddy, the Iceland Yule cat. Iceland's you cat? Yeah, you love that little thing, don't you?

SPEAKER_04 44:50

That's stupid. It's a mythical cat that eats kids.

unknown 44:54

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 44:54

Oh, now you like him, huh?

SPEAKER_02 44:56

Yeah, wait, wait, wait. We can get along with this kitty cat.

SPEAKER_05 45:00

He's upset because he didn't get new clothes.

SPEAKER_02 45:03

Well, but you think you didn't know.

SPEAKER_05 45:04

Oh no. I think he eats kids who don't have new clothes. Oh. Yeah. Well, that's okay. He eats poor kids. Eats the poor that's okay? Well. Don't you think there's something wrong with that? One less problem.

SPEAKER_04 45:19

I guess. I guess he could say that. I mean, if there's a good way of looking at it.

SPEAKER_02 45:25

I forget little.

SPEAKER_05 45:28

Let's sad kids. I get it.

unknown 45:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:31

Okay, cool. How about Krampus Knight?

SPEAKER_03 45:34

Krampus, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:36

Yeah, he hangs the kids from a tree. Yeah, Demon Goat Man. Yeah. He punishes the naughty kids.

SPEAKER_02 45:43

Naughty kids.

SPEAKER_05 45:44

Why?

SPEAKER_02 45:45

Yeah, well, because they need punishing.

SPEAKER_05 45:46

Well, doesn't he your cat eat the Oh, he eats the poor kids. That's poor kids. That's not naughty kids.

SPEAKER_02 45:54

Not all poor kids are naughty kids.

SPEAKER_05 45:55

So wait a minute. Now you got poor kids getting taken out.

SPEAKER_04 45:59

Naughty kids getting taken out.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 46:02

What the hell?

SPEAKER_05 46:03

Last Christmas presents to have to buy. Are you seeing where this is happening? Poor kids. Happy parents.

SPEAKER_04 46:13

Hey, well, out in Norway, they have a broom riding tradition.

SPEAKER_05 46:18

Of course they do, all them damn witches they have over. Isn't it cold?

unknown 46:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 46:24

Well, you know why they don't wear underware. Wait, wait a minute. People hide brooms so witches won't steal them.

unknown 46:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 46:32

Well, you know why there's a lot of broom stealing going on in Norway? Why don't witches wear underwear?

SPEAKER_04 46:40

I have no idea.

SPEAKER_05 46:44

Aw, squeak. Why? How are you gonna be there nasty? Oh, here's one.

SPEAKER_02 46:50

Well, for me?

SPEAKER_05 46:51

Spain's pooping Christmas log.

SPEAKER_02 46:54

Well, of course we poop a Christmas log. You you poop it? Of course you poop a Christmas log. Where else would a Christmas come from?

SPEAKER_05 47:02

It's a log that you beat with sticks until it poops candy. You lying.

SPEAKER_03 47:07

Wait a minute. You're doing the wrong thing. That's nasty. What the hell?

SPEAKER_05 47:12

Why'd I have a poopin'? No, no, no. No. Poopin's nasty. This is I had an Aut one time. Poopin' Candy. I'm gonna whip you two candy kilometers out. I'm gonna whip you two candy kilometers out.

SPEAKER_04 47:23

There you go. That's the poopin' Christmas law.

SPEAKER_02 47:26

Well, I pooped candy that day. She whooped me good.

SPEAKER_04 47:29

We got the uh taganair. The taganer, the pooping figurine.

SPEAKER_05 47:34

It's a little guy. Hey, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_02 47:36

Yeah, I just thought.

SPEAKER_05 47:37

Wait a minute. A little guy literally taking a dump in an activity scene? Is that you? No. It says a little guy literally taking a dump in an activity scene. I did not. Nope. I would never. You're the tagner. Nope. Son of uh nope. Why is a man relieving himself by baby Jesus? I don't understand. I don't know. Oh, it says here that's what happens when your eggnog has expired. Well, I don't know if that can happen. Wrong place, wrong time, maybe? Of course it's wrong place, wrong time. Idiot showed up shit. But oh yeah, that's wrong. Exactly. Wrong place. Wrong time. No, no. Oops. Yeah, no, oops. That's not an oops. You know, good God no. How do you oops that bad? No, listen.

SPEAKER_02 48:38

Swinging the golf club at a golf ball and missing, that's oops. Or shooting at a target and you miss whoops.

SPEAKER_05 48:47

Sitting beside Jesus, that's not oops. What is that? Oh? No. You're in trouble. I'm gonna whoop you. That's not good. Well, that's what that means. Hey, what about the evil gingerbread man? Well, why's the evil? What was he evil? Can you eat them? Yeah, they're gingerbread, right? Sure. Just eat them. Done. Yeah, what? Does the evil get in you?

SPEAKER_02 49:14

Why in the hell would you say that? Well, I'm not ever gonna eat another gingerbread. Well, I mean ruined that for me. Wait, okay. Well, what am I gonna eat with my hot chocolate?

SPEAKER_05 49:27

Let's move on to the night of radishes. Well, let's just move on. How do you move on from that? We're gonna move on to the night of radishes. Oh, radishes. Thank God. I uh that's much better than a fucking cookie. Where about radishes a vegetable, right, sweet? Who knows anymore? But she wins. Holy crap. We don't even have a damn clue what a carrot is any. Oh, that's a nose to a snowman. Oh dumb shit. That's it's a damn salad topping. Ah, sweet. Oh boy. I think we did, buddy. Well, I did pretty good. How'd you do? No, no, no. Well, I I I how do you think we did on this holiday special? Well, it was a wonderful holiday special. It was, wasn't it? I think it very well was. Do you think we should just take over this podcast? That would be I don't know what they're gonna do when they get in here. They sound very angry. Well, they oughta be angry. Why? Well, because letting two of us show them up like this.

SPEAKER_02 50:39

This is it's terrible. Let's see where you're doing with this.

SPEAKER_05 50:43

Yeah, they they're idiots and they you down there and talk about dumb shit. Us. Here we are. We give everybody ideas and we help them out. Yeah, yeah. Don't give candy corn people an idiots. Get off the candy corn splits, you see? Okay. We already we already know how to start you about.

SPEAKER_02 51:08

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Don't be dramatic again. Dramatic.

unknown 51:12

Yeah. Shh.

SPEAKER_04 51:14

Let's say goodbye to the people now, Spain.

SPEAKER_02 51:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 51:17

Alright, well, everybody have a blessed Christmas. We say Christmas here, right?

SPEAKER_05 51:24

Yes, we do.

SPEAKER_04 51:25

Yes. And have a happy new year.

Safety Announcements And Sign-Off

SPEAKER_05 51:27

Yes, a wonderful new year. And please, everybody, understand. If you're going to these live nativity scenes, please don't poop next to Jesus. Why would you add that in? I don't understand why you add that in. I just don't want people doing that. I know, but I don't understand why you had to say that. Okay. That doesn't make any sense. But does it make sense for people to have to be told not to poop next to me? We're just supposed to, yeah. Yeah. Why don't we uh Okay. Why don't you go on with your uh holiday safety announcements?

SPEAKER_02 52:03

Yeah. I got a holiday safety announcement.

SPEAKER_05 52:06

So you don't plug 11 things into one outlet? Yeah, because if you do, the twelfth one will explode. You don't want your house to burn down. And that's why you don't do that in. How about cooking in turkey indoors? Fried turkey. Well, you deep fry it indoors. You cook it outside. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 52:29

If you're gonna deep fry one, do it right in the kitchen.

SPEAKER_04 52:33

No, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 52:35

But make sure you put cardboard down. In case you're gonna go to the city. Don't listen to Sweet.

SPEAKER_05 52:40

You don't wanna do that turkey, deep turkey. Do it outside, people.

SPEAKER_03 52:45

It's cold outside!

SPEAKER_05 52:47

And here's one I like that. Don't let Spreak get power tools. Well, why? Why? What's it? And seeing what's happening with him today, too?

SPEAKER_02 52:57

Who?

SPEAKER_05 52:58

You, trashy.

SPEAKER_02 52:59

What's happened to me?

SPEAKER_05 53:00

Don't trust that the Louisa's eggnog.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

No, don't yeah, because what'd she put in here?

SPEAKER_05 53:07

Yeah, you were a little feisty at certain times, but I think that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 53:10

I'm a little fuzzy sometimes. Not fuzzy. That's okay.

SPEAKER_05 53:13

Feisty.

SPEAKER_02 53:14

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 53:14

Not fuzzy. Well, you're fuzzy too. But anyways, folks.

SPEAKER_02 53:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 53:21

Squeak. We're out, buddy.

unknown 53:24

We're out.

SPEAKER_05 53:24

Yeah. Everybody, enjoy the holiday season. Guess we're gonna have to call it that. Yeah, probably. Take care, everybody. Bye, everybody. A merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Narrator Cleanup And Reset For Order

SPEAKER_00 53:37

And that concludes the MT Alternative Podcast Pip and Squeak Holiday Takeover. A festive experiment that answered the question absolutely no one asked. Fear not. Mike and Tom will be back next episode with their actual holiday podcast, where things like planning, microphones, and basic adult supervision are expected to return. They'll attempt to restore order, discuss holiday music and other notables, and pretend this episode never happened. As for Pip and Squeak, they've been escorted out, the decorations are coming down, and the studio is currently undergoing a deep clean and a spiritual cleansing. Thank you for listening. Thank you for surviving. And thank you for remembering that this was not how the holiday season was supposed to go. This has been the empty alternative podcast. Next time, Mike and Tom's holiday podcast. Less chaos, more sarcasm, and slightly fewer liability issues. Happy holidays, in theory.