Breakfast of Choices

Confronting the Opioid Crisis: A Firsthand Account of the Devastation and the Path Forward with Louis Jenkins

• Jo Summers • Episode 22

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On today’s episode of Breakfast of Choices, I share my conversation with my good friend Lou Jenkins. I knew his story would resonate with many of our listeners. Lou opened up about the devastating loss of his daughter, who passed away from a fentanyl-laced cocaine overdose at the age of 34. As a parent, Lou described the heartbreaking experience of seeing the changes in his daughter's behavior and mannerisms before her tragic death. He shared the overwhelming grief of burying his oldest child while also preparing for his youngest son's wedding, all within the span of a week. Lou's story is a powerful testament to the impact of addiction and the lasting trauma it can leave on families. 

Lou spoke candidly about the intrusive thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, and near-death experience he faced while grappling with his grief. However, he also found solace in sharing his story on social media and connecting with others who have experienced similar losses. Throughout our conversation, we discussed the importance of mental health, the challenges of self-love and opening up to love again, and the need for genuine support from friends and loved ones. We both emphasized the healing power of sharing one's story and the importance of men being vulnerable and expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. 

Lou's resilience and determination to find purpose in his pain is truly inspiring. I'm grateful he was willing to open up and share his story with us. By sharing these stories, we can help break the stigma surrounding addiction, grief, and mental health, and provide hope and support to those who need it most.

From Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.

We all have them...every single day, we wake up, we have the chance to make new choices.

We have the power to make our own daily, "Breakfast of Choices"

Resources and ways to connect:

Facebook: Jo Summers
Instagram: @Summersjol
Facebook Support: Chance For Change Women’s circle

Website: Breakfastofchoices.com

Urbanedencmty.com (Oklahoma Addiction and Recovery Resources) Treatment, Sober Living, Meetings. Shout out to the founder, of this phenomenal website... Kristy Da Rosa!

National suicide prevention and crisis, hotline number 988

National domestic violence hotline:
800–799–7233

National hotline for substance abuse, and addiction:
844–289–0879

National mental health hotline:
866–903–3787

National child health and child abuse hotline:
800–422-4453 (1.800.4.A.CHILD)

CoDa.org
12. Step recovery program for codependency.

National Gambling Hotline 800-522-4700



Speaker 1:

Welcome to Breakfast of Choices, the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation. Each episode holds space for people to tell their true, raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity. From addiction and incarceration, mental illness, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, toxic families, codependency and more. Trauma comes in so many forms. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice, even if it was a small one. So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid, Because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change, to create your own. Breakfast of Choices.

Speaker 2:

Good morning, welcome to Breakfast of Choices, life stories of transformation from rock bottom to rock solid. I have my friend with me this morning, lou Jenkins. I met Lou through another friend of mine, tammy Connors. I was on her podcast, hope Helping Other People Evolve, and Lou and I started talking. He also has a podcast called let's Talk About it, which I was just on and he made me talk about a lot of things. It was great. So I am super excited to have Lou with me this morning to share his story and we are really going to dive into some things. Lou and I talk, you know, every now and then and about some different subjects, and he's a good dude and he's a pretty deep guy. So I am pretty excited about having him on today to share not only his story but a little different twist on some things some of us have been through. So good morning, lou.

Speaker 3:

Good morning Jill. How are you?

Speaker 2:

I am so good this morning. So good, so happy to have you here. Earlier you said you say that to all your guests. Okay, I am happy to have everybody that I have on here, but I am super excited that you're here this morning. Lou, for real.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I was super excited, right?

Speaker 2:

when we came and watched you. So we talked a little bit yesterday and we're going to dive into some. You know, it's kind of some deep subject matter today, but I think that it is really important to add another twist on what we're going to talk about and have people understand kind of what goes on in the background, so to speak.

Speaker 3:

Pretty much goes on in the background, so to speak. Pretty much Pretty much, pretty much.

Speaker 2:

So go ahead, lou, let's get started.

Speaker 3:

Well, you know, as you know, like you know, we talked about yesterday, like you know, the after effect of losing someone special. I lost my daughter. She was at the time about to turn turn, but she was 34. Matter of fact, she just turned 34. She passed away like around two months after her 34th birthday, okay, and she tried substance, cocaine, and it was laced with fentanyl and she had an overdose and she passed away.

Speaker 3:

So a little background story, that the week prior, matter of fact, the week before, and I said a couple of days before she passed away, I FaceTimed her and I noticed, you know, as a parent, you know, you know something wrong with your kid. You know, excuse me, she was always high. So I figured like, okay, as we. You know, excuse me, she was always high. So I figured like, okay, it's weed. You know a lot of people smoke weed, everything like that, sure? So, as a parent, you look in her eyes, you can see the, you know the mannerisms, something like that. It's not the same as being high on weed. So we joked around, like you know, like we always, we always do. I joked around, told her a joke, but in the back of my mind I'm like wait a minute, something wrong here. So you know, I said OK, and I mean like no, love, you See you later. Say love you See you back. I mean no. She joked with me like damn, like you know, can I get some money? I'm like, yeah, I like that. I'm like no girl, you ain't getting no money from me.

Speaker 3:

So that Saturday I went to work and you know I was having a bad day. Everything was happening bad and something was in my brain and I didn't know what it was. I could not figure it out. So, you know, went to the gym, tried to work it out, and as I'm working out out, I get a phone call. I usually shut off my phone, put on do not disturb, and stuff like that. So I said you know what I'm gonna answer.

Speaker 3:

It was her brother, which is, you know, through a different father. You know, same mom told me that she passed so. So I dropped my weights. I was like what the fuck? Like I mean, what's going on here? Like the first initial reaction, like you can't figure it out, like this is not real, right, right. So I go home, I give him a call. He tells me that a friend of hers came over and they went upstairs and you know she has my three grandkids downstairs and you know she was doing cocaine and and she came downstairs she had the. Every time I tell this it's like crazy, because you kind of relive it again. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, I know that's hard.

Speaker 3:

You know she comes downstairs. You know my oldest grand sons. You know she comes downstairs. You know my oldest grandson is playing his PlayStation or Xbox or whatever. The middle one is playing with his toys on the floor and the baby? At the time he was nine months, so she had him on his lap and he just collapsed Right in front of her kids. My oldest grandson was yelling for mom and she wouldn't wake up. He called the paramedics and they got there. My bad.

Speaker 2:

No, it's okay, Lou.

Speaker 3:

She was gone so they did the autopsy thing or whatever at the hospital and stuff like that that she overdosed and had cardiac arrests with cocaine that was laced with fentanyl. It was a higher dosage of some type of fentanyl out there and when you lace it with fentanyl it takes it to a whole nother level. I'm not an expert on this shit, but yeah, she collapsed right in front of my grandkids so I had to go to Philly put her to rest on Friday. But at the same time I was getting ready for my son's wedding Lord and I was in the midst of moving here to Charlotte at the same time. So I had to come to Philly, lay her to rest, which is when you lay your child to rest. It kills you, it takes a party. So I'm laying her to rest on a Friday. I have to leave, go, come down to Charlotte and get my apartment, because I had to. I had to transfer for work on a Sunday. Then I had to drive across country to Arizona the following Friday to put on a happy face for myself.

Speaker 3:

All this it's been a week and, joe, I can't tell you how I did. I I can't. I know it was something you know. If anybody's ever lost a child, it's something that is. It's just undescribed. You know you can't. It just takes a part of your soul away. You know as a parent you want to protect your child. You always say your child is going to bury me, not you're going to bury your child. You know, and to this day it's like repercussions from that big ones, like how do I deal with this? How do I do this? How I do that? It's a whole other avenue. And especially that week you have to bury your oldest child, your first child, and then put on a happy face for your youngest son to celebrate his death for your youngest son to celebrate his death.

Speaker 2:

No time to feel, no time to process. No time to feel. Just one foot in front of the other, task-oriented, making it happen. Did you drive by yourself across country?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I wanted to think, yeah, and a lot of people told me to take the plane. Yeah, I just had to think and what I? What I want to think? I drive sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad, right, you know I mean yeah for sure, because when you get into that part where you're alone, everything comes to force, everything hits you, everything. So as I'm driving to Arizona, I started thinking about why, why me, why am I going through this, why my? Experiences.

Speaker 3:

Why did I lose my daughter? Then I'm thinking about why did I lose my mother and my father and my grandmother, back to back years? You think about all of this. Sure, why was I to last talk to my mother the day before she died and find her gone? You have questions. Yeah, everything comes up. Everything hits you all at once.

Speaker 3:

So after the wedding, I had to go back to Colorado. I was there at the time and I had to get myself together, come to Charlotte. But I had one more day at work. Joe, when I tell you this, you're going to be like this is crazy, you can't make this up. Okay, again last day at work, colorado, I'm driving to mountains, I'm having a bad day, everything's going through my head. Okay, my boss asked me like you should have dropped. Yeah, I'm good, I just want to get to this last day, honor my commitment. I'm good.

Speaker 3:

Everything happened, everything's bad. So one day I was like I'll tell you the time it was, it was 1113 am, mountain Time. Everything hit me all at once Past deaths, my daughter, my own personal demons, and everything hit me so bad. I was on a mountain terrain curve and I just said forget it, I let it go. I said I'm done, couldn't take it anymore. I let it go.

Speaker 3:

And I'm in a truck, I'm a truck driver. I let the wheel go as I'm heading towards. I just blacked out the front. There was a rock, a certain boulder there, blacked out the front. There was a rock, a certain boulder there. The front tire bounced off that boulder. It was solid. Turn the tractor in and the back trailer tires hit the same tire and put me back on the road. Yeah, had to make that shit up. Okay, at that moment I grabbed the wheel. You know, I'm not gonna lie, I pissed myself. I am not gonna lie. This shit just happened. But everything just came back to me like, okay, I stopped, everybody got out you. Okay, I'm good, but that one moment I gave up.

Speaker 2:

You lost hope, lou, you lost hope, you lost hope.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I was done. I was at a point in my life where, out of everything I've been through in my life right Even on my podcast I talk about my life. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

And the things I went through and everything hit me at that moment, the failures, not the ups, but all the downs. Yeah, I'm saying, like you know, when you like you know, and probably somebody listening would probably relate yeah, when you're by yourself and something bad happens, all the memories of your downs come it. It hits you at once. It just takes you to a whole other level. Stop it if I'm going too much. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

No, you are 100%. You know. I had someone close to me commit suicide Different, not a child, totally different. One of the things that is similar is that feeling that everything comes back to you and you're questioning every part of everything, every decision, every failure. Why did I, why did I, what could I? And you can't stop it. It's like a rolling train, or you just can't see. There, there's no like. You just try to stop it. You know what I mean and you're trying to stop it. You were trying to stop those intrusive thoughts and that you know. Losing of hope and just that questioning of why is this happening, and you're just trying to stop it. So I 100, 100 understand, but guess what? Wasn't meant for you to stop it at that moment, was it?

Speaker 3:

no, at that time, yeah, and it hit me. And you're right, it wasn't meant for me to go, because I'm sitting here right in front of you, you know. But so I got myself together, went back to work, I packed up, packed up again and nobody's. I packed up from colorado to go to charlotte. Nobody knows this. I'm about to tell you something that nobody knows.

Speaker 3:

Okay, when I left colorado, you know, snow's like crazy, like out of nowhere. Okay, it just comes out of nowhere. And it was a blizzard Out of nowhere. They said, no, it's going to be like an inch. I'm saying, okay, no problem. So I'm trying to get out of this blizzard to go to Charlotte. So I'm going up, I think I'm coming down 70. I think the 70. And a truck blows his tire. Okay, you're gonna love this. Truck blows his tire and I'm trying to. I had to do my little maneuver, like my little MacGyver maneuver skill. So, whatever, right, you know, like the whole, you know stuntman stuff which came right near me. Right, came right near me. It missed me by by five feet. Again, I'm thinking, all right, I guess'm meant to keep on going. So I get to Charlotte and I'm going through my emotions and I say no, I'm going deep dive into the gym and if people could understand this. You know a lot of people go to the gym for mental, not just the physical 100%.

Speaker 3:

They're mental, it helps you out big time. So deep diving into the gym I'm going all the time. I'm not worried about how I look or none of that shit. I just want to just feel better. But everything's hitting me. The demons all still come, all still come, all still come. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Again I'm sharing something nobody else knows. I was at a rock bottom point again, because nobody understands the after effects when you not just lose someone, yeah, you lose a child. Majority of people that I know of have lost children. They feel useless. Their soul was taken away, like why would you take my child? Why not me? Why am I still here and my child is not? My child was 34 years old. Yeah, had plenty life to live, but she want me here. So start questioning, start questioning, start questioning. You know people will try and talk no, praying god and all this, this and that I'm not gonna get no religious and whatever. But you handle it your way, I handle it my way.

Speaker 3:

Then I start questioning sure okay, because when you lose so much, you start so much, you start to question.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 3:

You start to question your faith, you start to question your beliefs, like, basically, right, I wanted to feel something. I wanted to. You know, like how we talked yesterday when I said that saying I'm sorry is the worst thing you can say to me.

Speaker 3:

Cause I have to feel it, I have to know you meet, you meant it. So I was like at a point where yo, I was gonna do it again, I was gonna do it again nobody knows this and some told me why I had to go on tiktok one day and just talk about I. I briefly talked about. I said like no, I'm gonna do something right now. I said something about it. I said like no, I'm going to do something right now. I said something about my daughter. She passed away. So then a day later I get a DM from a mutual friend of ours, you know, tammy Lynn Connors about. She has a podcast, like you said, hope, and she wanted me to share it. Now, it wasn't at first. I was like no, I'm not going to do it, but then it just is going to sound crazy, like I had something told me to do it.

Speaker 2:

Mm-hmm, absolutely, that doesn't sound crazy to me. That's how I live my life. Got it. Something tells me to do it, I do it.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, something came out of nowhere, right, mm-hmm. So I go on the show. I said, fine, I'll do it Now. You know you nervous. It's like you know when we get first time guests they get nervous. You got to calm them down. Tammy made me feel so good. I love Mason Tammy. She made me feel good.

Speaker 3:

I call her my diamond for a reason and I was in a bad place when we talked and she made me feel good, made me feel comfortable, and I tell her all the time how much she means to me, because her and the gym was the first people the first two things in person to keep me alive, to keep me going, like that comfortability, because I heard in her voice that she cared.

Speaker 2:

She's lost a child.

Speaker 3:

She knows Exactly, I know she lost her, her, her, her, her infant son. So she can relate and she care. You can hear it Absolutely and her voice. Now I told her I will love you forever for this. And that's what I'm talking about. Like you know earlier, like I'm tired of people, so I I'm tired of people saying I'm sorry, but you don't mean it. You want to feel that sorry, I'm not saying like come over here, like call me and all this crap, but you want to be, be sentimental.

Speaker 2:

Yeah no, I get it. I understand that I do so you know.

Speaker 3:

So she had a podcast and I was like you know, that's going to be something I'm going to do, so I got inspired by her to come on to do my little thing, to tell my story. Now, this is the interesting part when you think you've closed all your doors and you are good with everything you've done, opens up new ones. Absolutely, and you are good with everything you've done opens up new ones, absolutely.

Speaker 3:

And I've tried to work on myself. And then the after effects of losing someone that special it hits you even harder. I have no more thoughts, but I'm going through something right now that's killing my heart every day.

Speaker 2:

That is love, because I feel that I cannot have love myself that you say that because I had so much love for my ex-husband we were not married at the time that committed suicide, so much love for that man that I can totally relate to what you're saying. It's like will I ever have that kind of love again? Maybe I don't deserve that kind of love. Kind of love again. Maybe I don't deserve that kind of love. Maybe I had it. Maybe I had it and it's over. Does that mean that maybe we're just not open to it because we don't want to be hurt again, or does it mean are we making more of it than it is? I struggle with it too. I totally can relate to what you're saying, because I have that same struggle. I really do. And it's been a long time. I mean he killed himself in 2013. This is way later and I still question it. I still have questions. So I get it. I do get that.

Speaker 3:

I wish I could answer that question totally.

Speaker 4:

It's hard to love anything after you have a piece of your soul taken away.

Speaker 3:

So I thought I was on the right path of, like you know, the whole saying love yourself first.

Speaker 2:

So that's my saying First love yourself. Lie, that's my everyday. Wake up and tell myself, saying first love yourself.

Speaker 3:

First love yourself, right? That's what you say every morning. Right, fly Every morning, joe. In my opinion, it's hard to do that Sometimes. I do sometimes love the character of me, but the soul and heart I'm trying to Okay, and this is something why I've never really discussed before I feel like sometimes and maybe you understand, maybe somebody else understands I feel like for everything I have lost and I've lost a lot of people, a lot friends, families have in front of me that I'm being punished for something. But I'm here, it's kind of like being in a jail, like I'm doing a jail sentence. I get it Like of like being in a jail, like I'm doing a jail sentence. I get it like I'm being punished. That's the way I feel now?

Speaker 2:

should I feel that way, right? No, no, no, no, let me stop you. You, you're allowed to feel however you feel. Let yourself feel how you feel, because that's another turmoil that you get yourself into. You start guilting yourself about how you're feeling, right, absolutely. So let yourself feel how you feel and go through those emotions, because you deserve that.

Speaker 3:

I am doing the best I can. When you feel empty, God knows your idea. I think I'm doing me now. I love my podcast. I love talking to people. It makes me better. It's therapy for me.

Speaker 3:

Absolutely you know, hearing other people's stories, sharing them, having a good conversation, having conversations with you every now and then. That's why, even when you came up, that's great, but in my back of my mind it's like a band-aid. It's kind of like a band-aid. It's kind of like when you have surgery and you get fixed, but you always see that scar. It reminds you of what you've been through Heartbreak. Whatever I try to deal with it every day, it's hard for me. It's very, very hard for me, right? Because you lose so much and you try to deal with it, because nobody talks when someone, especially parents, especially parents they never realize it. Because I will tell you something right now when I lost my mother back in 2007, everybody was consoling me because I was a son, right. But now I think, in years after that, what about my grandmother? She still was alive at that time.

Speaker 2:

Her mother.

Speaker 3:

Yes, her mother. Nobody thought. I never thought about that. Nobody ever thought about the parent. Now, I thought about that For the two years before she passed. She was never the same again, ever. She was just blank. She was just a different. And then we try to make her laugh, we try to do this, we try to do that. She just wasn't there. And when she finally passed she was like she was kind of ready to go, she was happy, and again, I was the last person to see her before she died. Okay, so I go back, my mother, last person, I find her, my father. You know, we didn't have really a relationship because I didn't meet him till I was 21. Okay so, but when I found out, it was funny, I found out he passed, but I just talked to him on the phone the day before okay, and now my grandmother I saw her the day before, Okay, and now my grandmother I saw her the day before.

Speaker 3:

My daughter see her on FaceTime Wednesday. Before the Saturday Questions why?

Speaker 2:

When you saw them all, was it good. Last memories.

Speaker 3:

Only one was it good last memories, only one in a way. But you knew something was wrong. My mom, she wasn't feeling well. She told me my father he wasn't feeling well. He told me he said call me tomorrow gone. Mom, call me tomorrow gone. It was good memory for that one. I'll give you that one because she was happy. That's the first time I've seen her happy in two years. It was like she is this happening? To me.

Speaker 3:

So I start questioning. I put it in my other life. I'm like OK, how strong do I have to be? Ok, do I have to be strong for my other children? Do I have to be strong for my listeners to get them through whatever they want to talk about, whatever, like there's so many questions. That has affected me. What am I going to do? That's the part I'm going through. How am I going to feel? And you know how it is. You know I'm not fake book. I don't put stuff on my screen and all of this. You know I'm not fake book. I don't put stuff on the live screen and all this crap. You know what I mean. Right, you know, but we all put up our front, though. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

We're happy we might post a picture or a little selfie. Cheese or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, right, or we'll. You know what I mean? Hey, ryan, we'll call each other up. You good, I'm good, but inside.

Speaker 2:

Can I stop you right here? Go ahead. You called me yesterday. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

And you said, joe, I got a feeling. What's up with you, what's going on? I just have a feeling. When you get connected with someone, that happens right. Yep, what I didn't tell you yesterday, lou? I did not share this with you yesterday because I don't think I could have shared it without losing my shit. Okay, but my best friend has cancer oh and she has stage four cancer and we just went to the doctor and it has moved to her liver oh, oh damn.

Speaker 2:

And I've been going with her for over a year now. I was there when she found out, been to all her doctors, with her Go to the cancer doctor and this just happened. And how you were reading my energy, I don't know, but you were, you were, and I just want to say thank you and I appreciate the check-in.

Speaker 3:

Hey, I'm always here. That's crazy because remember, remember, when we talked I said something, told me to call you yeah you're.

Speaker 2:

You said are you sure you're okay? Because I'm not feeling that, and I was like, nope, I'm good. Like you just said, we put on our best front, because sometimes we just don't feel like we can not be good. You know what I mean. Sure, yesterday couldn't have probably got that out without just you know what I mean. This just happened on Wednesday. I was just kind of in a zone, you know what I mean In a place, and I was like I can't talk about that right now. Today I feel a little better. It is one of those things that just happens, right, we can't control it, which is very hard for some of us that like to control things right. And that's an issue too, because you have all these feelings and you cannot control them and it just pisses you off, right, because you can't control, yeah. And so then you add a little anger in with it and you know.

Speaker 3:

So that's kind of where I was yesterday. So I I just wanted to stop you and say thank you for the chicken. Hey, absolutely, I think you know what and I'll talk about this all the time. Right, I actually talked about this with tammy too, like you know, we talked about this like a lot of people. Don't check in on people Like Joe. Life's short. Yes, we can go any time.

Speaker 2:

I check in as well. I tell people I love you. I think some people probably think that's weird. Life is short. You don't know. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. So tell what's on your heart, tell what's in your soul, and that's why I tell you feel your feelings. Feel your feelings. You are allowed to do that.

Speaker 3:

That's crazy. Yeah, Wow, I am sorry about your friend. I definitely am. I know someone like that and you know that was one of the people I lost, Came out of stage four. There's nothing they can do and you know I was young God, I didn't understand it Watching it and this and that, and I am so sorry I am. You know, we talk to people all the time. We talk to each other all the time and I wish people would check up more on people Because I wished, when I went through what I went through, not that many people did.

Speaker 2:

I think people don't know what to say. People don't know what to say and you said that whole thing about I'm sorry, People don't really know what else to say.

Speaker 3:

I could agree or disagree, but I think a lot is bullshit. I really do, because if you really care about that person because, though you know a lot of people, they love to throw the words out I got you, I care for you, I got your back, no matter what ride or die, like like you were my you know king or queen or whatever shit. Everybody's so quick to say that, everybody's so quick to say you're in my circle, I got you back. Until, when everything happens and I said this to someone and I hope somebody can get this you will know who is there for you when you're mentally, physically ill. You would know who's there because everybody's there when it's good, but good knows, like when you're mentally ill, oh, wow, I mean you gotta get shit together when you're physically ill. You, wow, I mean you gotta get your shit together when you're physically ill. You're gonna find out who's in your corner, and that's tough to find because you know everybody loves to talk, talk, talk. But, like I said back to me, I've always heard for years lou yo, man yo, I got you. You're a good person. You meet females and they're like all right, I got you back. I always got my man back. I'm gonna have your back. I got you against. Anybody heard all this fucking bullshit, why? And like, I'm like this, like man, somebody get in your face. I'm, I'm doing whatever. I'm doing this. I always'm doing this. I always got your back. I'm always going to listen to you.

Speaker 3:

And the days when I needed to talk to someone, when I reached out to four people, they was not there. Well, one had an excuse it was our time. The other ones, oh well, they would text me back. Oh well, yo, man, I'm going to watch this show. The other ones oh well, they will text me back. Oh well, yo man, I'm going to watch this show. I'm going to call you back. I'm doing this Some bullshit excuse. So one last thing I'll tell you.

Speaker 3:

The last moment, I thought about ending it and I was like I'm not doing it. I was here in Charlotte and I was like like I took control. At that point I called those four people who said it was all the way at my back. Again, I got this. I don't know if it was a voice. I don't know what the hell. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3:

It's like a feeling like yo and I could have swore it was my mom, my mom's like a ball buster. She's like suck it up, boy. You know. I mean like you know made up. You know what I mean. And I was like that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to rely on other people. I'm not going to search for for people. Give me that hope. I'm going to find it myself. Now, as I make that statement, I said I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, right, like it's kind of a statement you hear on TikTok, instagram Be there for yourself, be strong, you do. You got this shit. But this is the problem with that. If you had a checkered past or a loveless past, if you had a checkered, past, or a loveless past, like not being loved by family members or meeting the wrong people or, matter of fact, doing dirty shit yourself.

Speaker 3:

You talking to me, lou? Oh no, I'm talking to me. We already know about this story. You got full modesty, no story, it's great Anyway. So you got full modesty, no story, it's great anyway. So but, like you know, everything comes in the stuff. You didn't get the stuff, you did all. And you say, like everybody says, oh, you could be good. All these people tell you be good, be good. It's not that simple, it's not. When you lose something that big, it's hard. And I go back to the new doors open. Now I'm not gonna get too much into the new doors. I gotta handle that myself. I like I'll. I'll talk to you about that problem. But it's some big doors I will have to battle and go around it and that's the repercussion of losing a child. In my opinion, it's a hard thing to deal with. A lot of people don't know that.

Speaker 2:

The way that you lost her. There's got to be a lot of anger involved with that as well. This fentanyl crisis is just some fucking bullshit. Whoever out there is pushing that shit, that is some bullshit. I can't understand it. I can't understand it. I won't understand it. I can't even try to understand it killing people.

Speaker 2:

Joe has killed a lot of people. It's heartbreaking that money is more important to people than lives. And when you kill all your people with fentanyl, don't know what you're going to do. You know what I'm saying, like, what is that about? What is that about someone that they can tell themselves, that's okay. I don't know, and I'm glad I don't know, because then I'd be able to understand that mindset. And I can't. And it's heartbreaking, joe.

Speaker 3:

I want to add a side note today. Yeah, I deliver to I'm not gonna say the name, we'll say an adult care place, almost mentally challenged. You know it's not run by states, like probably on, but they get money to state that they're running. No, whatever. And what I found out by talking to a lot of people there? That there is a low-grade fentanyl thing going out right now. That's mixing up. It's not overdose. People Probably take them to another level, mentally traveling their brains. Okay.

Speaker 2:

And addictively and addicted brain.

Speaker 3:

And they have the guy told me to have like 167 people in that facility, joe, 79 of them are there for that. For that alone, a whole new grade. And they're coming out with all new grades like every month or whatever year, just to come up with something new. And it's affecting people and not just anybody else. Because, see, people don't understand when people, when a child or a person goes through addiction, cocaine or meth or whatever, nobody, nobody thinks about the parent. Yeah, what they go through.

Speaker 2:

You're incredibly right about that. That's one of the things I have some guilt about myself.

Speaker 3:

They go through it, the parent go through it. And the reason why I said that? Because I know I asked somebody to snap. But when I was delivering there there was a young kid there and the parent was visiting their child there. So I'm up at brady kish's and I'm watching this outside. This kid was in a whole other zone. So I was like and I saw the mom like crying her eyes out, passionate. This happened like two weeks ago. I was like you, okay, it's like I don't know what to do. And Joe, guess the first thing she said what did I do wrong?

Speaker 2:

Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently?

Speaker 3:

Yep, and that's what I question. I try not to now. How could I have been a better father to my daughter? Now, I know it's not my fault, I get all that, but when you go through that it crosses your mind how can I be a better father? What can I have done differently? What can I have done differently? Can I have had that conversation about? Was I what? Because it was one time she called me and I was that person. Oh, I'll call later. Maybe that was the time she was reaching out. I don't know, but see, it goes to your mind. That's the open doors that I'm talking about. I get it. I get that. And when I talked to that mother, she was bawling, her husband was there, he was holding her and I'm watching this kid. Like that's what parents go through when they see that A lot of parents just give up on it. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2:

It's a. It's a. It's a tragic disease. It is tragic, heartbreaking. It affects not just the addict, the addict's family, the addict's loved ones. It is hard to as hard as it is to be an addict. It is hard to watch an addict and it is hard to go through all of those questions, like you're saying what could I have done, what should I have done? Why didn't I? There's rest assured, Lou, there is nothing you could have done. What should I have done? Why didn't I? Rest assured, Lou, there is nothing you could have done or said Addiction is real. It is a struggle, it is hard. You are not in a place to hear anything, You're not in a place to receive at all, and so there's nothing that someone can tell you. When you're in that state of mind, you have to be ready to change that state of mind yourself.

Speaker 3:

Joe, I tell you I'll end it on these two things here. There's one thing that affects me big time, which I don't know how to deal with. I feel like I have failed for some reason, to where I feel like I can not love, cause I feel like I have failed to be that person. Maybe I could have been a better son, and I get it. You can't blame yourself for that, but that's what goes in people's minds. Sometimes Everybody thinks it's indifferent. That's one.

Speaker 3:

And number two urge anyone to talk to somebody. Find someone to talk to somebody. Find someone. Find someone to talk to, a friend, someone who's real, to reach out to, to talk about, and do not say you're going to be there and not there, and do not do that. I did that and that's another guilt. I'm sorry, I got one more. That's another guilt someone I know he's not here anymore. He wished out and I was busy with some chick back in the day. I'll call him later. He did it right kill, kill, kill. See, that's the doors I'm talking about and I tried it. That's what he got to overcome. This one moment has opened up all these doors.

Speaker 2:

yeah yeah, a real, a real pandora's box. When you talk about pandora's box, all of the things from everywhere start, all those things that you've compartmentalized in your head and locked away because you couldn't deal with them at the time, and so you just throw them in there with the skeletons and the rest of them. They all come out Right and it's like it just doesn't stop. It just doesn't stop in your head. Oh yeah, and I have talked to you many, many times, lou, over the past few months. We've talked and we've shared some deep stuff. You know, I can tell you you deserve love. Yeah, I can tell you you deserve love 100%. 100% can tell you you deserve love. Yeah, maybe you've done some fucked up shit, lou. Maybe no, I have. We've all I won't say all. A lot of us have done. That is things that we did. It is not who we are.

Speaker 3:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

And that's not who you are. Who you are now is a man who you've grown into. The man that I have seen, the man that you have shown me, deserves love 110 freaking percent.

Speaker 3:

Let's find it, hopefully one day. And you will Let her be rich. How about that? Let her be rich so I can retire. How about that? Right, all right.

Speaker 2:

You just knocked me out of the game and I mean that You're a rich girl. You're a rich girl, I know right. I mean that, lou, I 110% mean that We've talked and we've had this talk and I, a little bit in the same boat of feeling that way, I had a dear friend say to me it wasn't that long ago. She said do you think you deserve love? And it threw me off a little bit when she asked me because it was kind of out of the blue and I was like whoa, and this is a friend on a soul level, you know what I mean. We throw each other deep. And she threw that out there to me, which tells me that's what I'm putting out there, or she wouldn't have caught that. So I think sometimes we're maybe putting it out there. Our energy is suggesting that we are cold in that area and that is only something we can work on. You know what I mean? Yeah, socks.

Speaker 3:

I. I mean it's tough because everybody think you're this and you're this and that and and first of all, like off top, but people don't get a chance to know you. They don't really get a chance to know who you are, what you're about. I never understood that, like back in the day, like you used to sit down, talk to somebody, have a good conversation, you have forced to do that. But yeah, but basically that, joe, that that's, that's what. That's what I'm going through, that's my story. I mean I'm, you know, I'm just a guy trying to figure it out. Again, if someone can relate by losing a child, please talk to someone. Find that person, find your Joe, find your Tammy you know what I mean. Find your name, find anybody that can be there for you and talk to you. I mean you know it's tough to find that person because everybody, like I said, people like this and they there, but you don't know what to do until you're down.

Speaker 2:

What you've been doing, though, lou, is you've been and you hear me say it all the time turning your pain into purpose. Go ahead there for others to be able to share your story and to share your feelings on how you feel about something, to turn someone else around from taking that truck and hitting that rock someday, and you know it's funny.

Speaker 3:

You said that a buddy of mine reached out and he admired me being truthful about my past and I thought it was bullshit. But he sat down with his girl and told her he was inspired by what I said and it was gonna do a rocky time. He hit me up a week later, no, a couple days, couple of days later. He's like yo, man, like that was the best conversation, because she said to him she said, luke, man, she told me man, she's been begging for you to be open for a year. He's like yo, it was great conversation, right.

Speaker 3:

They got it hard that night. That was a little foreplay for them, whatever, right, just to be open. You know, like I mean, you know, it's like you know. But it's hard for a man to be open nowadays and that's an off topic thing, but it's hard because you know you are expected to be this hard, tough guy and you got to keep everything in. You got to show that masculinity, that hood, show that masculinity, that good. But when you actually want to talk about, be open about your feelings, like a death or relationship or whatever, a lot of men shut down. That's what men do.

Speaker 2:

That's why the mental health deaths are like 12 000 per year, absolutely with men, absolutely that's our problem I, I 100 agree, and that is exactly why I do what I do, as you know, to give someone a place to be able to come and share and feel safe and be able to be vulnerable. And sometimes, unfortunately, it does take someone you don't know to be able to get out your feelings because you don't feel judged by that person. You know what I mean, and judgment is one of our things, right, judgment being judged and feeling judged. And so you judge somebody because they have a feeling. I mean, we all need to get over that, right, there's no shame in any of it. There's no shame in feeling the way you feel and sharing the way you feel.

Speaker 2:

And I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna let you in on a woman's secret right now. Okay, why not? Right? Right? Yes, women, women want a man that is masculine, has masculinity, shows masculinity, looks masculine, but we want them to be able to open up, and that's the part that you guys are missing. You don't realize that we want that. You think if you show that, that's weakness. We want you to show that, or we feel like you've never opened up to us. We don't believe that you're that hard. It's impossible for anybody to be that hard, so we don't believe that anyway and it makes you feel not real.

Speaker 3:

Wow, yeah, I'm going to take that in Truth, truth spoken.

Speaker 3:

I'm going to take that in. This is why I write yeah, I mean, listen, I love you girl. I really do, like you know what I mean, what you're doing for people and the guests you have. Well, I'll be checking out your stuff. Like you're so consistent with it and so genuine I forgot her girl's name, but how she was venting about her issue and then you chimed in every now and then and she felt so good afterwards and like every time, like I talk to you, I feel good and I know all your guests feels good about when they talk to you. Like I told tammy the same thing, but I'm gonna tell you something differently. Like, yeah, you are that special and you're doing a great job, but I support every time he on I try to share it out as much as I can Great person, great personality. I mean wow, like unbelievable, seriously, and guess what? You got a dope ass hat on. Right now, too, you're done. My sparkle.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, man, it's going to be cool, but yeah, seriously mad respect.

Speaker 2:

I appreciate that, lou, I do, and you are always one to give me the kind words and the support and the love and sometimes that's hard for me to receive and that's when I know, I know I figured it out Right you feel that wall and I'm trying to, I am trying to take that in and receive that and know that that is genuine.

Speaker 3:

And I feel that and I appreciate that. Don't forget and I tell this, I tell people all the time when you get compliments and when even the next person you meet, that person has never hurt you before.

Speaker 2:

They've never hurt you before you tell me that you do say that to me. You have said that before.

Speaker 3:

You know you got to give everybody something and trust me, I know about that. You know you got to let that in. You got to embrace that, because that's what will tell you that you are special, you are worth. It Doesn't matter about the past. We tell people all the time forget about the past, but we're not going to take it in. We still got the past haunting us. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

I mean you got to take that in Joe. I past horniness Mm-hmm. I mean you gotta take that in Joe. I'm telling you it's special, you gotta take that in.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, lou, and you know what, coming from you, I feel the truth from you and I feel that you're a genuine person. Well, I'm just saying, and I can receive that from you, I can Take it in, girl, taking it, I'm taking it Even with the sparkle hat.

Speaker 3:

Come on now, that's my hat, lou.

Speaker 2:

I love it. I know you do, I know you do. Don't let anybody dull your sparkle.

Speaker 3:

No, no, no, but yeah, I appreciate you yeah.

Speaker 2:

I appreciate you sharing today with me, Lou, and I appreciate you feeling those feelings, Because I know it's hard to share that and it's hard to go back and it does bring up those emotions. But it is good to tell our stories and it is healing. It really truly is a healing thing to be able to get those words out and release that stored trauma, you know, and it is good. So thank you for doing that today. I appreciate you.

Speaker 3:

Oh, any time, any place. Like you know what I mean and I'll tell you guys pretty soon, joe's episode will be dropped on mine. You guys see it's in two parts. It's right now I'm a two-parter. Oh, you're a two-parter. I had to make that two-parter.

Speaker 2:

It's gonna be really good oh, dang lou, I thank you for being along with me today. I sincerely do and sharing your, sharing your story and sharing a little bit about the the flip side of that, thank you yeah, it hard, but thank you so much for having me on Again.

Speaker 3:

You're amazing. You're awesome. I'm telling you right now keep on doing what you're doing. It helps people out every single day. Let's all support each other Absolutely. It's a game, because a lot of us don't, but keep on supporting each other and we can help as many people as we can.

Speaker 2:

I keep on supporting each other and we can help as many people as we can. I agree, I agree. Keep on sharing, keep offering that hope and encouragement.

Speaker 1:

That's right. I am so grateful that you joined me for this week's episode of Breakfast of Choices. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, give it five stars and share it to help others find hope and encouragement. The opposite of addiction is connection, and we are all in this together. Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing, so if you would like to share it, I would love to hear it. You can also follow me on social media. I'm your host, jo Summers, and I can't wait to bring you another story next week. Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays.

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Jo Summers

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