Breakfast of Choices

Battling Addiction and PTSD: Finding Purpose After 9/11 with Chad Garcia

• Jo Summers • Episode 24

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In this episode of Breakfast of Choices, I sit down with Chad Garcia to hear his powerful story of overcoming childhood trauma, addiction, and mental health struggles during his military service. As he shares his personal journey, I'm struck by the depth of his resilience and the rawness of his experiences.

Growing up, Chad endured physical abuse and witnessed his mother being assaulted, leaving deep scars that would shape the rest of his life. His teenage years were marked by a sense of isolation, as he turned to alcohol and rebellious behavior, feeling like an outcast in his own family. After joining the National Guard following 9/11, Chad found a sense of purpose and structure, Chad eventually enlisted for active duty from 2004-2014, but the military culture also enabled his drinking habits. His alcoholism and PTSD eventually led to a mental health breakdown, including a suicide attempt.

Chad's struggle with substance abuse, cycling through alcohol and cocaine addiction, only added to the turmoil. The tragic loss of his mother to suicide in 2017 further exacerbated Chad's trauma and grief, but through it all, he has worked tirelessly to rebuild his life, find purpose in helping other veterans, and reconnect with his family. His journey has been filled with ups and downs, but his unwavering hope and commitment to personal growth are truly inspiring. By sharing his story openly, Chad hopes to destigmatize mental health issues and encourage others to prioritize their own healing and well-being.                                 

Chad has one big regret and hopes to repair the relationship with his daughter…and have his whole family together in his new home.  Chad created Comrades and Canopies non-profit and teaches veterans how to sky-dive, and creates the camaraderie and purpose and gives back to the community in so many ways.  Chad is truly inspirational!!       

Visit: https://www.facebook.com/comradesNcanopies/

From Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.

We all have them...every single day, we wake up, we have the chance to make new choices.

We have the power to make our own daily, "Breakfast of Choices"

Resources and ways to connect:

Facebook: Jo Summers
Instagram: @Summersjol
Facebook Support: Chance For Change Women’s circle

Website: Breakfastofchoices.com

Urbanedencmty.com (Oklahoma Addiction and Recovery Resources) Treatment, Sober Living, Meetings. Shout out to the founder, of this phenomenal website... Kristy Da Rosa!

National suicide prevention and crisis, hotline number 988

National domestic violence hotline:
800–799–7233

National hotline for substance abuse, and addiction:
844–289–0879

National mental health hotline:
866–903–3787

National child health and child abuse hotline:
800–422-4453 (1.800.4.A.CHILD)

CoDa.org
12. Step recovery program for codependency.

National Gambling Hotline 800-522-4700



Speaker 1:

Welcome to Breakfast of Choices, the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation. Each episode holds space for people to tell their true, raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity from addiction and incarceration, mental illness, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, toxic families, codependency and more. Trauma comes in so many forms. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice, even if it was a small one. So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid, Because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change, to create your own. Breakfast of Choices. Good morning, Welcome to Breakfast of Choices life stories of transformation from rock bottom to rock solid.

Speaker 2:

I'm your host, jo Summers, and today I have with me Chad Garcia. I actually met Chad through my brother. They work together, sort of. Chad has a nonprofit called Comrades in Canopies where he works with veterans teaching them skydiving. My brother works with a nonprofit called Aquavets where they teach veterans scuba diving. So they have kind of come together and they have been working together and have become good friends. So I knew a little bit about Chad's story in any way, messaged him and asked him if he would go ahead and come on the podcast and of course he was very kind and said absolutely so.

Speaker 2:

Chad today shares really his life story of transformation. Today shares really his life story of transformation. He had a childhood filled with trauma, violence, domestic abuse and it was traumatic for him and he went into the military and had more traumatic events happen in the military. When he was deployed to Afghanistan he opened up about witnessing, you know, a lot of things and the impact that it had on him. He talks about enlisting in the National Guard after the 9-11. He talks about the deployment to Afghanistan. He discusses his mental health breakdown, suicide attempts, addiction to alcohol and cocaine. He shared the devastating loss of his mother in a tragic way and an overall strained relationship with his daughter. And despite all the challenges, he found hope and he found redemption in his journey and he really shares his journey of healing from trauma and addiction and a real, genuine desire to reconnect with his daughter, one of his biggest regrets.

Speaker 1:

He discusses the challenges, hopes for the future, including something special coming up for him.

Speaker 2:

Being able to buy his own home and have his family together was so very important with him and one of the things he really hopes is reuniting with his daughter and I really hope that she hears this and hears how genuine he was and Chad's story is a testament to the power of healing, resilience, happiness Really had a great time talking with Chad. He's got a really great handle on just the essentials of overcoming challenges and creating a fulfilling life and he's found purpose and passion and just an overall great guy and I really appreciate him being on here with me today. If anyone out there may be struggling, please know there is always hope. If you are listening and you are finding hope and encouragement, please do me a favor and give it a like, a share and a download so we can continue to offer hope and encouragement to anyone who may be struggling. Thank you so much, Chad, happy to have you here today.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, thank you. Sorry about the delay. I know last weekend we were scheduled in light hiding, no problem. No problem that seems to be the story of my life is light hiding. So yeah, roll the punches.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, Absolutely. No worries, no stress there. So tell me a little bit about you and kind of where you're from and you know what's kind of gone on for you. Yeah, so I'm 42 years old.

Speaker 3:

I live in Bakersfield, california. I moved here when I was about nine years old. Prior to that I lived in Southern California, like the LA, south of L LA, so West Covina, glendora, mona, right there, that type of part. And you know, just normal 1980s, 1990s childhood, you know, watched Ninja Turtles, I mean Transformers, america's Funniest Videos, you know all that TGIF Friday night. I grew up in truly what was probably the last generation where we could meet outside, right, I mean yes.

Speaker 3:

So I had, for the most part in a normal childhood, most you know my experiences with trauma introduced at an early age. You know my experience is with trauma introduced at an early age, you know, growing up in that area to a young mom. My mom was 15 when she gave birth to me. Actually, no, she was 15 when she got pregnant. By the time I was born she was 16. But obviously my real father wasn't around much and so she remarried when she was 19 to a friend of my uncle's and you know, a huge wedding. Looking back at the pictures recently, it was all 80s, you know, like these bridesmaid dresses, it was huge.

Speaker 3:

My grandparents spared no expense and on the surface I think it all was, you know good, but behind closed doors he was a monster, heroin addict, very violent, aggressive and would physically abuse my mother and myself. And that went on for about a year and a half. I witnessed a lot, a lot of things that five, six year old kids should be witnessing watching my mother get punched, having plates thrown at her chair thrown at her slapping, the screaming, the crying and maybe in a kid I'd be, I'd cry and I'd go right up to my mom and he would just beat on me and push me against walls and lock me in my closet where I would be in there for long periods of time. And then you're that age and you're scared and the body has functions and I would defecate on myself in the closet and so when they'd open the door he'd see that and he'd get mad again, hit me some more.

Speaker 3:

So early on trauma was all I knew. But that didn't last very long, you know he. Eventually that situation, thank God, went away and she, you know. We moved in with my grandparents and that's where life normalized. You know what I mean. That's where I got to watch the ninja turtle down transformers and had a nintendo, rode my bike and had friends and went to school and all that, you know.

Speaker 3:

And and eventually she met the man who would become my stepdad and we lived up here in Bakersfield and life, smooth sailing, no trauma. I mean I did develop. You know I did start drinking at an early age, I think 11, 12 years old. When me and my friend started stealing alcohol and drink it's during the 90s, early 90s, housing boom so there was new construction houses all around us so we would just steal alcohol and hang out and you know new other construction homes and yeah, I got in trouble a lot.

Speaker 3:

I wouldn't say I was a bad kid but I was definitely very concerned with my friends and my friends were, I think I looking back, and they they were mine and I didn't necessarily fit in with my mom and her new husband and my little brother I was kind of the black sheep. I mean it was a normal family, we were great, they were very supportive with my sports and school and all that I never went without. But it's never really fit in either. So my friends were that part of me that were mine, strict, you know, my mom was strict at times so where most kids had to go out till midnight in high school I'd have to be on with 10. You know, I got a girlfriend my sophomore year and we dated through my junior year and my junior year talking about teen, teen pregnancies. You know, my mom, me. It repeated itself.

Speaker 3:

I became a dad my senior year. I wouldn't say that that was trauma, but it's a lot for a kid to take on. You know, 119 pound kid that doesn't even know how to balance a checkbook is is now a dad and absolutely my mother made it crystal clear that I was still going to graduate high school. I was going to go to work, I was going to and I and I wanted to be there. I I wasn't going to, not because I grew up without my biological father. So you know, I, early on the the, the role of, of being a dad was paramount to me and.

Speaker 3:

I did good at it and I never looked back. I never, I never, you know, tried to get out of it or anything like that. So that was that was a big deal for me and and that you know, still hanging out with my friends, and I eventually married her mom and got an apartment in 2000,. And then 9-11 happened in 2001. And I remember going to work because I worked in the oil fields and I was electrically depressed and just waking up that morning and seeing it on TV. Yeah, as I walked out the door, all I thought was that someone flew up playing a new ability, and I remember thinking to myself God, that's stupid. Like not a cloud in the sky, like how the hell? Totally, at the time, at the op site, it was obvious what was going on and you know, the 19-year-old kid that left for work that morning wasn't the same 19-year-old kid that came home that afternoon, the same 19 year old kid that came home that afternoon. I think that that day, as with everybody that lived through it, it really impacted just something inside of me. I just didn't look at things the same. I didn't really at the time, I didn't know what was going on. Looking back, something woke up in me, or something was born in me.

Speaker 3:

I wrestled the idea of enlisting for a couple of months but by December I was committed and I enlisted in the National Guard so that I can still have my job and, you know, wear a uniform and still serve. My daughter's mom wasn't supportive of it Not really. My mother really wasn't either, I think people, I think they weren't and they felt like my obligation was with my family and you know I I needed anyways. I remember going down there to basic training and just mesmerized it was. It was like something inside of me was home, you know what I mean. There was structure. It was a little scary, you know what I mean. It was intimidating, but it was also new and it was just. I fell in love with it.

Speaker 3:

So when I came back I think you know I was gone for months for training and when I came back, because I was National Guard, I didn't want to go back to that job and I felt like man, I felt like I'd just gone to some kind of a summer camp and now it's back to the real world and I wanted so bad to go back to that and eventually I started dropping hints like, hey, I want to go on active duty and my daughter's mom my wife at the time just was not about that and she didn't want that life Really drove a wedge between us and ultimately we divorced and split up and that started another stressful part of my life in regards to child support and visitation and just stress with tension, hexes and all that. Nonetheless, I ended up going on active duty. That's where I really became still drinking. You know, I should say that this entire time I was still drinking with my friends when I was married to my daughter's mom and we had a house and you know I have house parties and there was a gig around and the bonfires and the beer and the hangovers and nobody really said anything. Hey, you got a problem. I mean, comments would be made and whatnot. I would get a little aggressive and try to start fights with people.

Speaker 3:

But when I joined active duty and I saw the culture of the infantry because I I chose to go airborne infantry and that's a very alpha male, aggressive right. You, you know, you're, you're not just a soldier, you're, you're, you're a paratrooper and you're the typical spear airborne infantry paratroopers. It only goes up to Rangers and special forces and Delta force and the sky's the limit in regards to special operations and whatnot. So it was a work hard, play hard culture that I felt this is off me, right? I remember I got in trouble early on for drinking an alcohol-related incident. I felt this is off you right.

Speaker 3:

I remember I got in trouble early on for drinking an alcohol-related incident and I was told by my leadership well, you guys all took care of each other, that's what you do. We weren't even in trouble. It was an incident at a bar and we actually kind of got hats on the back for being there for each other. And you know, I understand the mentality at the time where we're knee-deep in war and you're trying to build cohesion and brotherhood and stuff. But I didn't take it like that. I took it like, wow, I can work hard, play hard, like I'm going to get off duty on Friday and drink straight on through Sunday and then run on Monday. Nobody cares. Yeah, nobody cares, it's all good. Yeah, you know, and everyone around me was doing it.

Speaker 3:

So that you know, in 2005, 2004, sorry, I met a girl. I was here in Bakersfield and I met a girl. We started dating and she would eventually become my wife in 2006, and so now I had a beautiful, beautiful wife college cheerleader I'm, airborne infantry where we're both young, we're both social. You know we we have we have an active social lifestyle. You know we're going to house parties, we're going to clubs, we're going to bars. Before she was of age because my wife is five years younger than me she would sit in the parking lot while me and my friends went to bars. She was kind of I don't want to say she was enabling, but like that, you know, I made it clear to her like you married me. I want you to know that like these are my childhood friends, like these are a part of me, because my ex-wife wasn't like that. She wanted them to go home at times and she didn't like them. You know, it's like I wanted to sort of say that these guys were part of my life and I'm one, but she accepted them and accepted the culture.

Speaker 3:

But what began to happen is is just untreated, unprocessed trauma medicated with alcohol, and that turned into me. I remember the first time time I blacked out. It was shocking because I'd never done that before and I'm like, oh my gosh, I blacked out. And then after that it was like every time and I would try and drink water and eat food and take vitamins to prevent that from happening, but it would always happen and when I would black out I'd get angry and aggressive and I'd try to fight people. I would get in fights, I'd punch walls. I mean, I was that guy, I was your typical, what my generation called a Kyle, like an angry Kyle that would black out and my wife began to say, hey, this is too much and it became a problem and that became just an issue. Too much and it became a problem and that became just an issue.

Speaker 3:

So my career started developing, was deploying a lot no-transcript and eventually, in 2010, my daughter came to live with us. It was just getting too stressful, with her mom and her new husband and her father-in-law and stepbrothers and all that. And they said we think it's best if she were to come live with you. So I'm ecstatic now, not paying shots where my daughter's coming to live with me. I get to tuck her in. She's going to school on base, it, it, it. My life was happy, but the drinking didn't stop. You know, the drinking didn't stop and then I I began to really kind of not give a shit about any of it because, in my eyes, I was starving my country. I was doing everything right and this is part of the of the gist.

Speaker 3:

Uh, in 2011, we all got stationed in alaska airborne unit 425 airborne. I was going to be a team leader in a reconnaissance unit. That was the plan to afghanistan super huge privilege. Just this was going to set me up to go to either ranger battalion or special forces qualification. Bare minimum, get me a high speed, really cool school like pathfinder or whatever. Like this is what was going to do it. And, yeah, I took it serious and and it was an honor to be a part of that unit and and to deploy with these guys who are high caliber guys.

Speaker 3:

In this unit we ran our own outpost. We were doing small kill teams like this is what I signed up for. You know what I mean. This is what that 119 pound kid wanted to do. That deployment was 10 months. When I'm making a lot of money, I'm getting that deployment pay. I'm not paying jobs for tax no taxes. Combat pay. Imminent danger pay. The whole nine years.

Speaker 3:

I ended up getting injured on that deployment and came back. Well, let me, a month before we came home, we had an incident happen. The up-and-side plan out deployment was relatively smooth. We didn't lose anybody, nobody got shot, no one got hurt. We got into a lot of enemy contact, a lot of gunfights, kong ticks troops in combat, but no one got hurt.

Speaker 3:

And around August August 7th, the anniversary of the accident coming up this next week go on a short patrol. We come back. The guys were all kind of smoking and joking inside of our outpost. One of my soldiers the night before had overslept and was late for guard duty, so I was not I don't want to say punching him, but he was making up for it by cleaning. All the crew served weapons, the big machine guns.

Speaker 3:

And I go to step into one of the bs that where we lived and I heard what I thought was firework like and I remember thinking to myself that's odd. And before I could process that those aren't fireworks, I'm turning around and I'm looking in the doorway that b had. I just walked in and there's an afghan army, one of our allies, afghan army soldier that's air quotes I'm doing allies pointing a rifle at me and he fired a couple times missed. I hear the rounds hit behind me and then he just keep walking. You know the way he'd cut One of my soldiers.

Speaker 3:

Specialist Devin Alley comes barreling through that door covered in blood and goes out the back door and kicks it out, followed by Sergeant Sean Stretch. I follow him out. Devin Alley collapses really covered in blood. I'm trying to figure out where he's shot, where the wound is, and it seems like it's just everywhere. As I try to assess the casualty, he kind of turned his head and spit what I thought was a tooth out. It was actually a bullet. He had been shot in the leg and it ricocheted off his femur bone into his mouth and the bullet lost in his mouth. He had spit it out. So he was shot in the leg and in the face and, I think, on one of the arms of the body.

Speaker 3:

And as me and Sean Shredger are trying to treat him, we don't have any medical equipment on us. We're inside of our outposts, so we're not. You know, when you're deployed to war you're not wearing all your helmet, gear and equipment everywhere to go. You have your rifle on you at all times, but most of the time we had jeans and our shirts on right or, and that that's how we walk around. We weren't on mission or we weren't actively doing stuff.

Speaker 3:

So I'm screaming for a medic and as I look back, here's somebody coming in between the two bs on gravel and I think to myself, shit, this dude's come back. Well, it's not. It's my fellow team leader, sergeant Gilson, and he is also covered in blood and he just drops right in front of me and he's telling me, you know, very through his broken breathing, he's telling me I can't breathe, I can't breathe. At that moment, doc Lario, our medic, comes out in the back with another B-Hut and he's got his aid bag and he comes running over, he falls to his knees and he starts looking at Sergeant Gilson. I tell him I got Howley back there bleeding. He kind of glances at Howley. He sees that Gilson's a priority right now because you know Howley's back there screaming in pain, but Gilson's as white as my keyboard right now and struggling to breathe.

Speaker 3:

So that was our primary vacacity and we got to lift up his shirt and we look at the wound and the best way I can describe it, it looked as if it wasn't as bloody as I thought it would be, but it looked as if, like the inside of his chest, like a cauliflower kind of white, fleshy color was just inside out and Doc and I looked at each other and to this day I'll never forget that look. It was a look like we told each other, like Q9. So we went right to work. We administered a decompression needle in his chest, in between the two rib cages, to let the fluid in the air out in his chest cavity. As soon as we did that I started breathing. He was pretty stable.

Speaker 3:

Doc goes over, starts treating howie and at that point in time I hear two more people coming and I look and there's an afghan army guy right there just standing there. And now I'm like holy shit. So I go to grab a rifle and as I do it he just takes off. He drops, like he drops a bag, and he takes off, and then sergeant st john runs along with two other soldiers who were part of our mechanic crew. So these aren't even like combat role guys, these are our mechanics. And I tell them hey, take cover behind these vehicles and behind these tesco barriers, shoot anything that's not american, anything right like protecting the ccp of the capacity collection.

Speaker 3:

So then I, I, I know I got to get up because I don't know what's going on over here back on the patio, so I had to walk back to these v-huts and kind of assess what's going on. So I walk, I walk down and I see another one of my teenagers, sergeant tack and just kind of standing, and there's blood all over the patio, all over the beds, the guys are sitting on puddles of blood, where guys have ran boot marks in blood. I mean it looked like something out of a horror movie and it smelled like blood and death. And if you've ever smelled death or smelled blood, it has a very particular smell that is unlike anything else. It's very hard to describe because nothing smells like it. That was my smell. And so I tell sir, attack it to take cover behind a bow career. I tell him to say same thing shoot anything that's not there. So now I got two angles of approach covered by guys. Now I gotta start walking that way to kind of see what's going on over there. We're still missing like three-quarters of our platoon. Like where's everybody at? You know what I mean.

Speaker 3:

As I walk in between these next two B-Huts the aid stations on the right and then Bravo sections, looking for B-Huts on the left I see Specialist Motoko from Texas standing there and he's got his Mark 48 machine gun and he's just kind of staring straight, which, as I'm looking at it, it would be to my right. He's to my left, he's just staring straight. I look at him and I'm like, hey, is this something along the lines of like, what's up, man? Like you know, like I need you to cover that area? I said I can't remember exactly what I said, but he responds with I watched him go and I said watch two, go where?

Speaker 3:

And then just at that state that I followed his eye and I looked down and I see two pairs of boots sticking out in between two hospital barriers, going into the aid station. And I go and I kind of pie the corner and look and there's a US soldier laying there, eyes halfway open, pale Gray, almost. I didn't know who it was. I remember that's what was so Like I couldn't, I didn't recognize this individual. And then, as I'm trying to figure it out, it dawned on me that's Martin, that's my soldier that I had Playing a crew serve weapon, that has slept late the night before, and so I kneel down or I go to kick him and I kick his leg. I'm like Martin, get up, martin.

Speaker 3:

And that's when I, that's when it it, it was it he looked like.

Speaker 3:

I mean, I didn't recognize him.

Speaker 3:

It's not because he was injured in the face, he was empty, it was just a shell.

Speaker 3:

And I'd seen dead bodies plenty of times before, but this was different. This was like something was exited from him. It just it was so odd and he was just empty and it was just a shell, like like somebody had taken off his body. You know, you see these cartoons or like they unzip and like they pop out of this human and it's like a little alien or something like it. That's what it looked, like like a shell. And I closed his eyes and just as I did that, my platoon sergeant and my lieutenant walk up and they're like what's that? And so now I'm like I got martyred dead. I explained to him the CCP, the injuries over there, that I had security set up, my platoon sergeant, very experienced sergeant, first class, and if he assessed the situation can he knew that I could probably see it on my face, and so he immediately put me to work and said come with me, we're going to clear every fucking beehive. And that in itself was surreal, because this is all happening within five minutes.

Speaker 2:

Everything I just explained to you is so no time to broadcast, no time to process.

Speaker 3:

I go from Hallie to Gilson to Martyr to now. I'm clearing where we live, which it's one thing for us to go on mission and clear rooms and clear villages and whatnot, but to clear the mwr, where our computers and internet is, our gym, our mortar pit, our. It was just so surreal, not knowing if this guy is humped down, if there's more it. It was very, very surreal and and we clear everything, we start walking back up the other way, coming up on the ccp from the back side where the casualties were, and I said something along the lines of I could have done this, I could have done that, and he, like punched me in my shoulder, kind of because not right now, don't you not right now? Yeah and yeah, that was august 7, 2012 and gilson and hallie ended up living.

Speaker 3:

We had another soldier that was shot one time from the arm, in and out through the arm, if the jury was the worst. I mean, I remember he walked right onto the helicopter when they did them, when they did the medevac. You know, smoking, smoking a cigarette, giving us a thumbs up like that's easy, I'm going home, guys. In actuality, that round went through his arm and severed his nerve, the entire nervous system going into his arm, from his shoulder to his hand. So he ended up having like 17 surgeries or something like that and to this day he's got a huge scar going up his arm. All those losses are so.

Speaker 3:

That was all I can say about 2012. In a nutshell. What I lay was one of the worst days of my life up until that point. Absolutely. 40 days later, I'm home, we're home the planet's over. I'm in a Best Buy with my wife and daughter and I'm standing in front of a bunch of TVs and I remember just standing there. It's just TVs going off and sounds. The next thing I know I'm like I felt everything just sopping into my face and I'm just. My heart started racing, I started sweating and I was like like I gotta get the fuck out of here, and I didn't even say goodbye to them. I went straight to red robin and I ordered one of those great big boot beers at red robin and proceeded to get blackout and drunk that night and that is the beginning of my mental health breakdown.

Speaker 2:

So that was your first panic attack, right there.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I mean, I've had it in my day and stuff before, but that was my first. That was my first oh shit moment, like something's wrong with me, and it just got worse. It got to the point where I would drink anything I can can. I became very verbally abusive to my wife and my daughter. It just became a total mess, total mess. My wife began locking herself in the room when I would get like that so I wouldn't come in the room. It it was bad.

Speaker 3:

Just now I'm just blatantly doing things like talking to women online and the arrogance and the you know, because I I wasn't like, I wasn't aware that something was wrong with me. I knew there was, but I was. But I was self-medicating and just feeling like I was this super soldier and I was in shape. I was, you know, super cut and muscular and I could you, you know, I could pull women and I was talking on the line and I was, you know, my wife caught me and it just spiraled from there to the point where my daughter in 2015, 2013, said, dad, I want to go live with my mom, I can't. This is too much you know, so she leaves in 2013.

Speaker 3:

And I didn't really really like it didn't bother me, you know I did, but like it, it was just one more thing I don't worry about and you weren't feeling at the moment.

Speaker 3:

There was no feeling, you were just masking no, I was completely numb, just all around, you know. You know, from 2013 to 2014, I stopped working out, I stopped giving a shit about my military career. My morale went down. We had new leadership come in and I didn't like them and I had a lot of incidents with my leadership that I just I became I don't want to say a bad soldier, but I wasn't one of the good ones anymore. I just didn't give a shit. Finally, I think it all kind of culminated.

Speaker 3:

I started getting headaches, I started getting bloody noses, I started these panic attacks, the drinking, and in February of 2013, I went to a park on base, I took some pills with me, some like might have been Ambien or Zofran or both, and I had already been drinking all night. The sun was coming up and I took some alcohol with me and I said that's enough, I'm done. And I went to a park and I tried to kill myself and I sent a text out just prior to my medic, dr Lario, and to a couple other guys. I said yeah, here's where you're going to find me. They found me and rushed me to the hospital. I had my stomach pumped and I was on suicide watch and when I was released back to my unit. The army determined that I had enough and that was it. I wasn't going to any schools, that my career was done. They were going to medically retire me, so they sent me to a warrior transition battalion and I was processed for retirement over the next year.

Speaker 3:

And it didn't stop there. I mean, the crazy thing is, I started smoking weed in the military and almost didn't get retired because I tried to use one of my. I've never said this publicly before, but I tried to use one of my friend's urine in a syringe like a children's ibuprofen syringe into into for the urine, for the urine analysis. And when I went to go do it, it fell out of my shorts and the guy the other soldier watching me saw it and turned me in, so I almost lost everything right there. It would have been like you're no longer getting retired with 100% benefits, you're fucking getting chapter with an other than honorable, and I came very close to losing all that. Yeah, the drinking didn't stop. I was magically retired. The crazy thing that day. So I'm excited with when everything happened at Dance Dance my retirement day on that warm-up there is August 6th 2014. So next week is a huge week for me for both.

Speaker 3:

And right before we got retired and we found out our wife was pregnant with our first child and it was going to be a boy, and we moved back here to Bakersfield from Alaska, which was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. We come home and my son's born five, six months later, five months later, and I felt rebirth. I felt, felt, you know, like a new mission and it just, it just hurt. But he said hey, lele, I tell him this day you saved my life. But I didn't stop with the drinking and I was hanging out now with combat vets doing, doing work with non-profits, and all these guys were double accoutrees, burn victims, and they were even worse for drinking and it was just even worse for that culture. I mean, they had their own bar and a clubhouse and it was like a fraternity and it was like holy shit.

Speaker 3:

Everything culminated when my son was eight months old and my wife had just had enough. She's like I can't do this, we have a son and she left me, took the dogs, took the parakeets, took everything, left me. That was the first time I quit drinking. That was in 2015. That's the first time I went sober which I ended up going sober from alcohol from 2015 to 2020. What I did is develop a cocaine addiction Because I had always drank and done cocaine, like I'd come home on leave and my friend's here and I'd be cocaine a lot of those drugs that you do like you can go on leave for two weeks and if you do cocaine on the first weekend you're home like toward the beginning. It'll be out of your system when you get back and they drug test you, which you knew the army was going to do. So he was gonna do so like not to dime or rat anybody out. There's a lot of guys the infantry and special operations who do that.

Speaker 3:

It's not it's not a secret, you know, yeah, yeah. So I had experimented cocaine and I was like you know, man, like I could still do blow. You know what I mean. And like, get me by and I'm not gonna get addicted. You know, like all and and fucking boy, was I wrong, man. I went from never calling a coach and my friends would all do it, I would just throw money down to now I'm going and hanging out with this dude, you know, and and doing it during the week and going I mean going, doing a lot of it. And that shit was scary, man, that because I began, I remember the day I realized like, oh my God, like I have an addiction, and I closed it. That passed right. Yeah, that passed right, it did. And within three to six months and you know I didn't't the comedowns were terrifying and by this time we had our second son and libby would find things and I would be like, oh, I had the guys over and they not selected, and but she knew, my wife knew, and that lasted like into that 2018.

Speaker 3:

And the reason it's 2018 is because I'm about to tell you the fourth day of my life, and it is November 29th I'm going to University of the Word. I'm in college and I'm taking my sociology final and my phone keep blowing up my brother which is weird because we haven't talked in years at that point, my daughter, dad and my grandpa, and I'm like, and so finally I go up to my professor. I'm like I gotta take this, something's going on. So I go into the hallway, I call my brother, who I haven't spoke to, and I'm like what's up man? I'm like what's up man, like everything okay. And he tells me he says mom shot herself. And I was like what do you mean? Like how? What like was she? Was she messing? Was she playing her dad's gun? And what is she? Okay, like he's, like no man, mom's gone. And it just felt at that moment like everything stopped. My professor walks out and I said my mom just died and I didn't even go get. I said in the classes I just walked out my truck. I did go and get my keys, my bag, but I didn't go to my truck. I walked to a park right behind the school and I sat at a bench and my phone kept ringing and ringing. I just turned it off and I just sat there Because I haven't slept. For what I.

Speaker 3:

I lost three friends in the military to suicide. I wasn't no to it, but my mother and I were very close, you know it. It was a shock. It was a shock we we had gone through some drama about six months prior, six or seven months prior ch she hadn't met my second son and I had decided one day like this is stupid and I loaded up my son and my wife and my other son and we drove to her house and I knock on her door and I sat my son down on the carrier and I just I ended that, you know it was.

Speaker 3:

I did not want my mom's not my only son. She had epilepsy, she was very depressed, she had her health issues, for sure, but I just think that it had become too much for her. Yeah, she ended her life when I was over 29. She thought I was 17. And sorry, yeah. And so the cocaine thing I almost overdosed. Like a week later I just did it like two days off in the middle of the day. I never even noticed that went. And yeah, I kept the cocaine.

Speaker 3:

I didn't drink, which I do Because as an advocate, at the time I was hosting a radio show and I was doing podcasts and I was very known locally. I wanted to show everybody that, hey, I got this. I created this hashtag called bike suicide. And I was doing podcasts and I was very known locally. I wanted to show everybody that, hey, I got this. I created this hashtag called bike suicide and I was like I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drink. So I was doing that, but lying to everybody, because in the back end, I was having a cocaine night all the week. But I did eventually stop. No rehab On your own. Yeah, no rehab. Ended up getting a really good job in 2019, used my GI Bill to get certified and ended up making great money and we had a nice house that we were renting and life was going pretty good.

Speaker 3:

And my daughter met this boy in high school and began to get pretty serious and she told me she goes Dad, I was living with them on the weekends. My mom doesn't know I'm going to. Can I tell her that I'm living with you and you know, because when I'm 18, I'm moving in here anyway, so I just want to start getting my stuff. And so I said, yeah, I mean a dumbass. I was like, yeah, okay, and lied to everyone that Skylar was in with me when in fact, she was in with her boyfriend. And she graduates, everything's good, and her and this guy get serious. They end up moving to Texas with his family because they're the oil people.

Speaker 3:

And then one day my daughter flies out here to visit and it's like day four. We haven't seen her. Her mom hasn't seen her. She's just been hanging out with this kid and his family and me and her mom were on a talking trip. We were talking at that time. We were okay, we had become friends. I guess I said I want to call and set her straight. This is bullshit. She leaves in two days and she hasn't seen us. So I did I called and I went off on my daughter and the boyfriend's mom comes on the phone. I go off on her, he gets on the phone, I go off on him and it just got stupid. And that was in May of 2018? No, may of 2019. And that was the last time I spoke to my daughter. You damn.

Speaker 3:

She says that her reasoning is that I don't go down trees, that I'm verbally abusive, and you know. And she ended up getting married. I did not walk her down the aisle. She has two daughters. I have two granddaughters that I've never met. They don't know, they don't even know I exist, and so that's a burning, gaping hole in my life right now.

Speaker 3:

But you know, in that time, you know, covid happened and I started drinking again. You know a lot of people who were in recovery, I think, drank during COVID and my wife wasn't necessarily supportive. I mean, we'd been making so much money and we were doing good in this house that we were in that. I think she saw it as well. Chad's doing good. He's not that angry person, because I really wasn't. What happened with me and my daughter was just a dad getting mad and triggering her trauma that I had inflicted in the military. I see that now. Yeah, absolutely military. I see that now. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, if I started drinking, I drank for about two years and in 2022, had another incident and my wife left and I ended up calling my buddies who were cops and said he can pick me up. Only her right. So and I was in treatment for three days. I was in, I was a suicide watch for 72 hours and was released on Thanksgiving day 2022. And yeah, I haven't. Haven't drank since. You know, that was obvious because now we have a daughter. My daughter was born right before COVID and so now we have three kids and I started EMDR therapy right after that, which has taught me so much.

Speaker 3:

I've reprocessed so much and I've learned about myself. I've taken kind of a unconventional spirituality that would you know, very kind of polytheistic. I'm not a Christian but I'm very spiritual. I've just I've come a long, long way. We started a business. It's taken off. Our kids are so happy. We have three of the happiest children real over me.

Speaker 3:

You know my wife has battled with some issues and now it's been her time with trauma, process trauma and the things I've said, the things I've done. So this past year, living in this house which we absolutely hate, my friend's house that we're renting it's been a difficult year. It's been a very productive year but we've come a long way. Our marriage has come a long way and as I talk to you right now, we are in escrow to buy our first home, which for me is like I wanted this so bad and I've worked so hard to get here and to get me and my family where we need to be, and it's still a work in progress. You know we're still kinks. You know everyone's got them. But in two weeks I'll be able to give my family a home.

Speaker 3:

Wow, that's amazing and awesome and you know it's just been trial after tribulation after trial after tribulation and just non-stop. You know, I I started skydiving back in 2017. I'm not I know I'm jumping around all over the place, but I started skydiving back in 2017. That that thing she dealt with for me. I met your brother, I took him up and we you know I I have a non-profit that I run called comrades and canopies. I started scuba diving with your brother and we hang out a lot and we were planning this event called jump palooza, where we're gonna skydive and scuba dive in the same day. And well, it'll it, it. I've come a long way and it's all gonna culminate here in the next couple weeks. That, for me, is like I keep telling people I'm going to be at the top of my mountain. You know I'm going to be that. This is me getting to where I would have wanted to be and yeah, it's not perfect, it's.

Speaker 3:

It's difficult. I mean, the stress level is high. We're raising a five-year-old, a seven-year-old and a nine-year-old and everyone in my house is neurodivergent. You know, everyone's neurodivergent. My wife is battling trauma. You know my wife was raped, you know, years ago, and she's got issues. You're on this. You know, walking issue. You know what I mean. The household's very turbulent at times but despite all that, we're happy. You know we're Disney, we're a Disneyney family. These pictures you see behind me are all pictures throughout the years of us at disneyland, with different characters. Those are all disney years that your listeners can't see, but you know, like we're disney family, we're leaving in five days for our fourth disney trip this year. I mean we we a very happy family and we've made it through so much.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, unfortunately, I make up with my daughter and you hear people say, oh, I think about this person every day. I literally think about my daughter every single day because my family is not complete. Yeah, I'll get the the house and I'll be at the top of my mountain, but I'm gonna be at the top of my mountain. There's clouds already. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3:

I want to be able to be on the top of my mountain and see clear down the valley into green pastures and know like, like you know it, not having my daughter in my life's, not talking, not not paying enough, knowing that there's two little girls out there who have a fun you know, wacky, crazy grandpa and that they don't know me it it it hurts to know that my daughter and I you know my mom when she died I never laughed with anybody the way I did with my mom and my daughter. You know I laugh, you know what I mean. I people know me, I laugh, I laugh, I'm always laughing. I'm always joking about something, but the way I would laugh at my mom and my daughter, I don't have that. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that deep down real connection.

Speaker 3:

And she, I think, is closest. My little daughter, my five-year-old, is very much like my mom Very girly, I'm not one, my mom very girly, I'm not one. Sugar, that's fine, so no, any lies my daughter's like that and I think my mom would adore my youngest daughter. But my, my closest connection, aside from my brother, is my daughter to my mom, because she was my mom's favorite. She was my mom's first girl and it just sucks and it hurts and I've had it with that and that's the only thing I haven't reprocessed through emdr. Yeah, because I think me and my therapist have just said all I'd play on how to do that and have you ever wrote her, like sat down to write it out?

Speaker 2:

not, not necessarily that you have to send it if you don't want to but I need to write it.

Speaker 3:

I thought about it. You know I've done the text I. I'm very active on social media and I know in in like some boundaries when I post about her, so I try not to. You know, about a month ago we're in a movie theater and my phone goes off and it's a friend request for her and for a brief mullion time I'm there with a bunch of army guys and my wife and I'm niagara falls crying and I'm just like, oh my god, this is it. But by the end of the movie we get in the car and she'd block me again and I don't know what that was about. And it's like you're so happy I'm gonna see my youngest granddaughter because I've seen a trip to my oldest, but like I purposely don't want to know what my youngest granddaughter looks like, because I just feel in my heart, in my mind, she had darker hair and I wanted to be surprised to say I was right. You know, I dreamed of this little girl and I'm right and I didn't get that and it's. I don't know what that was. You know, I don't know what that was.

Speaker 3:

So what I did recently is I messaged her from my son's ipad because she blocked me as if I was my son, and I know that's dishonest, I know, I know. But she responded and now my son sends her pictures. You know what I mean. But she stopped responding a couple weeks ago, maybe because she thought it was me or whatever. So I told him. I said, take a selfie and set it. Here sits her, so she knows. You know, dad, not trying to play a trick, yeah, you know, that was it. I are all the things I've done or all the pain I've caused to people. I love. It's like I. I just want to fix that. My biggest fear is when I'm going to die, not fixing that and not touching her on her forehead like I do, just telling her how sorry I am because I'm not a bad man. You're not at all. I'm not a bad person.

Speaker 2:

No, I'm broken. Please, not him, I'm broken. You're healing, you're healing, you're healing, not broken. You know, I'm not even I'm broken, you're healing you're healing.

Speaker 3:

You're healing, not broken. There's so many people who don't, so many guys like me who don't give a shit if they give up, they don't change, they don't. They try to, but then they say, oh, fuck it. You know they end up homeless on fentanyl or dead or in jail. And it's like I am doing all I can be normal and and and so am I optimistic? Yeah, I am, I have to be, because, if I want or not, the moment I lose hope that I give it up and I don't yeah, I don't quit. It's not my nature. I've, I mean you, not quit. And hopefully there'll be a day and we're back on this house and in my mind I'm like god, dude, am I gonna have my family all together at this house? I would cut my all off to have that. But it's all because of my trauma, it's all because of my addiction, my inability to take care of myself early on and you know that that that's where I'm at right now that say they're talking to you.

Speaker 3:

I'm very accomplished, I'm very proud, and you know I, I've been labeled as narcissistic in the past. So yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm sure I, I had those tendencies, my therapist telling me I'm not a narcissist. You can have narcissistic traits and and be egotistical without being a narcissist, and it's just honing it in. And so I work on that and and I do all I can to just be a better man today than I would yesterday, absolutely, and uh, that that's that's where I'm at, and I I really, truly believe that if I just stay on this path and if I just keep doing what I'm doing, one day I'll wake up and smell bacon in my kitchen and see two little girls sitting there next to all four of my kids. I mean, I live for that goal, so that's me.

Speaker 2:

I have some big hopes that maybe your daughter will hear this podcast.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I'm telling you, I don't know. I mean, I've tried everything, sure writing her a letter, and the reason I don't write her a letter is because I don't think she'll read it. You know, I don't, I really don't, I think she'll get it. I mean, who reads letters? Everyone's short attention span. You know, is she really going to sit down and read a handwritten letter? I don't know, I mean, and I wouldn't pack it, I would handwrite it, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:

And I don't know what to do. I drive by her mom's house all the time because my business takes me in those neighborhoods and I go to Target a lot. I go to these places. I'm like God if I can just run into them, you know, spark something to where she can say, hey, I saw your daddy, he looks great, and the kids. And you know just something?

Speaker 3:

I found out recently that the owners of the football team that my sons play for their daughter was dating my daughter's stepbrother and I was like you know, and so I don't know. I made a loss, man, and I feel like nobody will help me. My dad and my brother don't want to get involved because they're worried that, like they overstep boundaries, she's not going to talk to them and I get that. They went to her wedding. My dad, my brother, my uncle, my aunt went to her wedding. My cousins, who are my daughter's age, were in the wedding. Like my family was there and they watched this stepdad and that my daughter.

Speaker 3:

As far as I know, I shouldn't say this stepdad. That my daughter, as far as I know, I shouldn't say this stepdad, because if she does hear this, it's going to come out wrong, but up until that point she was never very, very close with him and I took that as like kind of it hurt, it really, really hurt, because you know, I had heard that she was going to have her siblings walk her down the aisle and then next thing I know it's the stepdad and I didn't. So I just they have a lot of peeing. Yeah, you know, I self-inflicted, but I don't think too long of make a right and I Sending me a friend request and then blocking me. Maybe it was an accident and then maybe I was thinking, maybe she was drinking, you know, maybe maybe she got scared, scared.

Speaker 2:

Maybe she did it and then got scared. You know what I mean.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I don't want to say, drinking lunch is a drinking problem. Maybe it was a weekend, maybe she was out with some friends or a husband and she got curious and accidentally did I don't know. I mean, I thought you're a spiritual.

Speaker 2:

that's what I would. Spiritual. You're a spiritual guy though, right, I am. So the universe will come together as it should, right? I sure hope so, and and as it's meant to and as it should. And you know you have genuine, real remorse. It's genuine and it's real, and that is felt. It is felt. That is all you can do and have and that goes out right, that goes out into the universe, and I believe she's going to feel that I do and I do.

Speaker 3:

The middle of mom's family. They foresee a trait to be very, very cruel. You know, my grandfather is one of the coolest cats I've ever met. Lives in Huntington Beach, super cool guy, everything you would picture. You know an older Southern California guy with gray hair, that's my grandpa. Man Wears little button-up shirts and he's the coolest cat. But he will suck the life out of your soul with the things that he says. He can be the frowlest man. I know my uncle, his son, my mom's twin, my godfather, just the same. You're talking about a guy that lost all his family. Like dude is not as bad as my grandpa, but he can get a little physical.

Speaker 3:

Me, you know, I, I have that trait and, yeah, I'm a military guy and I'm very self-confident. So I said things to my daughter that really hurt her, really hurt her. I'd never met, I didn't. At the time I was upset and I want and that's just me, yeah, having never processed my trauma like really acting out the only way I knew, I knew how, and I regret that. You know you talk about regret or remorse. I regret that so much because that's what drove my daughter away. That's why I don't have my granddaughters in my life. That's why, to a very small group of people, I'm a horrible woman. You know. 99% of the people that know me know what I'm about. Yeah, they know.

Speaker 3:

Chad can be a lot of things. Chad will post something or say something that'll get under your skin and Chad can be aggressive, and you know. But they know who I am and I just wish now that my I would do anything. I'd walk through fire, I would walk on lava, I would jump in sharp, infested waters, whatever it took to just show her I love you, I'm sorry, and I can fix this and I can show you we can laugh again.

Speaker 3:

You know, in Alaska there was this when she lived with us out there on the beach, there was this Wendy's burger place Wendy's across the street from a Taco Bell, and I know that's going to sound bad. My daughter and I would call the Wendy's on speakerphone as if we were the Taco Bell employees and we would say we had customers coming over here saying you guys are talking shit about our food, and then we would do the same thing. And so it's so funny, because one of the things I'm going to do when I finally do have her back in my life is I'm not going to tell her. I'm just going to look up the number on my phone and I'm going to pray and call that lady in front of her. Oh, I know, it's just.

Speaker 3:

We had a lot of fun. We watched football together, we were, you know, I'm a Bengals fan, the NFL, and we'd go watch football together. You know, yeah, I got these boys that we watch it with and we all watch football together and stuff. But you know, I don't want that relationship to be dead. I, I don't.

Speaker 2:

so I guess I'm just at a loss, yeah yeah, I, I think, just keep doing what you're doing, let her see who you are today and and she's seeing it, she's. She's seeing who you are today just by what you're doing, just by what you're doing, just by what you're doing out there, by what you're putting out there. She can see that and I'm sure she's scared, you know, I'm sure she is.

Speaker 3:

Well, I had to guess, if I had to guess. I mean, she's 24 years old, so she's young and I'm very proud of her. You know they just bought a house. I heard my dad 20. So you know they're doing very well and I'm very proud of her.

Speaker 3:

I raised a tough one. She's a tough cookie and never in a million years did I think that a girl I was raising to be tough and strong would direct it at me. But you know, such is the way of the earth. God, I forgot where I was going with that. But see traumatic brain injury moment Totally forgot. But I'm very proud of her and that's the main wound that I carry in life right now.

Speaker 3:

My life is sad because I tell my wife babe, I'll never be 100% happy and that's not fair to my wife that I say that. So I try it. Because here's this woman and her husband telling her I'm never going to be 100% happy until Skylar comes back. But I'm not, I'm not, that's your truth. I'll be 99%, but I just won't be 100% until I have my family back. I feel like so many people get forgiven in this world and so many people are given second chances. That's where I was going.

Speaker 3:

I think that people around her had a huge influence on this particular subject. Like maybe they're saying things like look, life's great, you don't need him, right? Or something along the lines of hey, you know, fuck your dad, I know her husband has no love lost for me, so you know, I get it. She has to choose between her family and if she knows that her husband and other people maybe don't support that, then she's going to go with what's best for her and her daughters and I could imagine that she's scared because she is probably worried about me being toxic and how that may affect the girls and she would do everything a mother should do and I'm proud of her for that. I just want her to know that, if that's how she's thinking, that's just not the case. I'm not toxic anymore. Yeah, I was, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, and you know that's real and that's it. People do change, people do grow, right, we do things to evolve and grow and take care of ourselves and and she doesn't maybe know that and, like you said, she's trying to protect and protect herself and and maybe she just doesn't know. And just keep doing what you're doing, because you're doing all the right things out there. You're doing great things and you're helping others also while you're doing those great things. Even just sharing is helpful, sharing your story. You don't have to do that. It's super helpful, it's hopeful, it's encouraging. Keep doing what you're doing and let her see Just let her see who you are.

Speaker 3:

We were in a car accident on June 1st and it was my truck got totaled. I broke my nose right here and had stitches in my face right here and my wife had some injuries on her leg. She had heard about it somehow somewhere and called my dad and she said and she still talks to my dad and my brother, and my dad told me that she sounded concerned and I don't want her to be upset. I don't want to upset her, but it made me very happy, knowing that she does love me and I don't want her God forbid I go skydiving one day and something happened to me, or I walk out from here and I get into a wreck, or I don't know something. I just die and I don't want her to live with remorse like I do, like man I should have reached. I don't want that pain on her. You know what I mean. Maybe she won't, I don't know, but I know I would and I never going back to my mom that night and put my son on her doorstep and then she killed herself like she did. Oh my God. Oh my God, I don't know. I don't know if I'd be sitting here talking to you. I just don't, I don't wish that on her and everything we're talking about just behavioral health and addiction.

Speaker 3:

It's so prevalent in the world right now and it's not just me. Everyone, and I mean everyone is dealing with something. I think that's the problem is that America has a behavioral health issue. You know what I mean Absolutely, and I worry about you know the future and our children and just what we're doing about it. There's so many issues that these presidential candidates are talking about. No one's talking about behavioral health. I mean, you got presidential candidates with clear behavioral health issues and it's like you know, and it's like, wow man, like can we just address the elephant in the room here?

Speaker 2:

I mean we're addressing addiction, right, we address addiction, but we're not addressing the root cause, which is jhana and behavioral health, right? So you know, drugs haven't gone anywhere. They're more prevalent now, there's more dying from them, and we haven't addressed the cause. We don't keep no, no.

Speaker 3:

You know they are and talking about Fentanyl across from the border and everything. I'm not trying to get political, but it's like why are these people on this, like I don't know where you're at, but here in California? Well, like it's like the Walking Dead out there, and it's not just people who have moved to co-edits, it is people with serious behavioral health issues. They're going unaddressed. Yeah, and while I'm not like a humanist, I guess maybe I am I. I I worry about people and I worry about, you know, the person who's not being treated right now that may injure or maim my family or another family, your family or dave, or one of dave's kids, you know, like it's, it's just, it's so bad and yeah, I just, I just I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 3:

I hope we can find a way to heal as a nation, and all I can do at the moment is focus on absolutely and and focus on healing ourselves right one more person.

Speaker 2:

if we heal, we're healing one more person right, exactly Each of us, and that's what we can focus on. We can't control everybody else. We can focus on our futures and trying to be there to offer that hope and encouragement and understanding to people that may be going through it. Like you said, it's out there. It's not just addicts that are going through it. You know what I mean. That addiction comes from somewhere.

Speaker 3:

A lot of people have a lot of trauma that's unhealed, that needs to be worked on. Yeah, and I hate seeing people that just aren't even attempting. You know what I mean? They're football parents and if I single anyone out, they're football parents. And this crowd over here and the veteran crowd especially, where I see people, I see them getting blackout drunk and I'm like that's not normal. It's accepted among crowds. But what is going on? Why are you? What aren't you addressing? Because I can say that from experience, all these people I see and I hear and I it's like, oh man, like what? What's your issue? Well, I think you got it.

Speaker 2:

yeah why are we continuing to just mask our behavior? Yeah, absolutely. It's hard to deal with it. It's hard to deal with the root causes of of our behaviors. Right, because it doesn't always make us feel good, it's not fun to address our shit and you know the olympics on.

Speaker 3:

I thought it was absolutely amazing. You know Simone Biles, at the last Olympics she was true, because they grew out to shoot and I remember the time people were hating on her for that oh, she let her country down, she let her team down. This woman said timeout, I have to take care of myself and I'm going to. And then, four years later, just I mean, you see what she just did with the gold medal crazy, you know I I can't think of a better example. Yeah, absolutely you know, absolutely.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, cure yourself. Yeah, that's absolutely when they, when they say she's the GOAT greatest of all time, yeah for sure, a hundred percent, because she took time out, she helped herself, came back four years later, older than most historic gymnasts, and just dominated. So I wish more people were like that. Unfortunately, you and I both know that they're not.

Speaker 2:

Everybody always has an excuse for not taking the time right. I've got this to do and I have that to do. And to not work on themselves, almost you know. Focus on everything else to not take the time to work on yourself, and you're you're the most important. First, love yourself, right, you're the most important thing. You can't love anybody else, you can't give love, you can't receive love, until you love yourself.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

So you know I. You know everything that you want to happen in the future.

Speaker 3:

I wish that for you I appreciate that desk would bring my children closer. You know like Scott will say, hey, you know what, I know this enough. And you know, maybe she'll look at it like, hey, dad's gone, now I can have this relationship with my sibling. While that hurts, at least I'm happy that my kids will all be close and, you know, be as close to a normal family as possible. I just wish that I could. Probably not.

Speaker 3:

You know, I want, I want to take the moment to share my picture with the world, like so many other dads around cause of hey, this is me and my family know it's not about posting or sharing but, like, the reason I post so much is because I love sharing my life with people. I mean everyone else. I love seeing families out there and I love when people post about their families and about their lives. It's like dude, this is the meaning of life, is happiness and joy and love. So when I have that, I share the fuck out of it and I want to share that with people and I cannot wait for the day where I can look and see all of my children in the same room with my grandchildren. That's just for me.

Speaker 3:

I don't think anybody understands how bad. I want that. And now that I'm about to close on a house in two weeks, which was thought impossible three years ago, no way, no way. But now it's like okay, I can do that. Oh, I know I can do this, so I was just getting there, you can, and I hope she hears this.

Speaker 2:

I hope she hears it I have to I hope she does and and maybe we can make that happen now we know on facebook I'm just saying, maybe we can make that happen but I, it's, it's.

Speaker 3:

Look, I I every day in my life, I I think about her and just how I failed her. You know what I mean and I did. I failed her While I never backed down as a teen dad. Ultimately, I failed her and not man. I hate failing, I hate, I hate. I don't deal with failure very well. I take it very hard, hard. I take it very personal, even in the military. If I did something that wasn't to standard, or if I, my leadership, would say dude, you got to pump the brakes, man, and just yeah be so hard on yourself.

Speaker 3:

Give yourself a little grace very out self, and so that's not I. I live that daily, but I'm confident. I'm confident in good change.

Speaker 2:

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep doing what you're doing and keep being who you are, and it's it's only good things to come right. You're doing the right thing, so that's all you can do. That's all you can do is move forward and keep doing the right things.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, when your brother gets back from his awesome vacation that he's going on, we're going to do that jumpalooza thing. I'm looking really forward to it. Yeah, just being able to be in the sky now in the ocean, which I was so terrified. The moment I got underwater in the ocean I was like why am I scared about this? This is amazing. So water and the ocean I was like why am I scared about this? This is amazing. So to be able to be in, in, in those elements, is just very releasing. And and I tell veterans all the time find something, even if it's a book club right or underwater basket we sheet and like I don't know what your thing is when I something, because whatever has and you get that release. You get that release, you get the release of the orphans and you really begin to see that there's so much more to life than pain and trauma.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, Absolutely. We turn our pain into purpose and everybody has to have a purpose Finding that purpose right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I do, yeah, I do.

Speaker 2:

Well, Chad, thank you so much for tonight and just for sharing as much as you did and being so open and so willing to to just do that with me tonight. I appreciate it so much. I love what you guys are doing out there. I love what you're doing with the veterans and just what you're doing for yourselves and taking accountability and healing. You know what I mean. Going on that healing journey for yourself and being accountable for shit that you did. That's huge. That's absolutely huge.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's what I think about me is that I definitely own up. Might take me some time, but I own up to it and that's where I'm at. I think I've done everything I could to this and the rest of it is in the universe, in God, whatever you believe in. It's out of my hand at this point and all I can do is just continue to push love and just an undying hope that things will work out.

Speaker 2:

Hope and kindness. Keep pushing it and just keep me in.

Speaker 3:

Or I can be kind of shrewd.

Speaker 2:

Definitely need to work on that, okay, okay, we'll work on that. We all get up to that when we work on right. So again, thank you, chad, and just really really happy for you guys, happy for your future, happy you're getting your house, just happy to hear it all coming together for you. That's huge. You know what I mean, from where you once were to where you are, and be so proud of that, be so proud of that and you know, just keep loving your family.

Speaker 3:

I will Every day. I appreciate it. Thank you so much so much.

Speaker 1:

I am so grateful that you joined me for this week's episode of Breakfast of Choices. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, give it five stars and share it to help others find hope and encouragement. The opposite of addiction is connection, and we are all in this together. Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing, so if you would like to share it, I would love to hear it. You can also follow me on social media. I'm your host, jo Summers, and I can't wait to bring you another story next week. Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays.

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Jo Summers

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