Breakfast of Choices
Everyone has stories of transformation. And some of them include moments, or years of intense adversity, a time when it felt like there was no hope. This podcast, "Breakfast of Choices," holds space for people to share their true, raw and unedited stories of overcoming extreme struggles, like addiction, mental illness, incarceration, domestic violence, suicide, emotional and physical abuse, toxic family structures, relationships, and more. Trauma comes in so many forms.
Every week, as a certified Peer Recovery Support Specialist, Recovery Coach, Life Transformation coach and your host, I will jump right into the lives of people who have faced these types of adversity and CHOSE to make choices to better themselves. We'll talk about everything they went through on their journey from Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.
Through hearing each guest's story of resilience, my hope is that we'll all be inspired to wake up every single day and make our own "Breakfast of Choices". More importantly, that we'll understand we have the POWER to do it.
When someone shares their story, it can be unbelievably healing. And it can be just what someone else needs to hear at that exact moment to simply keep moving forward. So I hope you can find "that one little thing that sticks," along with hope and encouragement to just keep taking it one day at a time.
And now let me be the first to welcome you to the "Breakfast of Choices" community, a non-judgemental zone where we learn from, lean on and celebrate one another. Because the opposite of addiction is "connection", and we are all in this together.
If you would like to tell your story, I sure would love to listen. Please email me at Breakfastofchoices@gmail.com.
Respects,
Jo Summers.
Breakfast of Choices
From Foster Care to Fulfillment: Reclaiming Her Voice and Her Life with Tina Curtis
Welcome back to another episode of Breakfast of Choices. Today, I have guest, Tina Curtis. Tina has an incredible story to share with us - one of overcoming a really tough childhood in the foster care system to finding her way to healing and a fulfilling life.
Tina opens up about the trauma she experienced, feeling like no one was there to protect her or believe her when she tried to speak up about her abuse. We talk about the complexities of love and addiction in her family, and how important it was for her to find her voice and keep speaking her truth, even when it felt like no one was listening.
We also dive into the physical and emotional toll that trauma can take, and why it's so crucial for society to show more empathy and understanding, especially for kids in the foster system. Tina's story is all about resilience and how she navigated the foster care rollercoaster, found her forever family through adoption, and is still working hard on her healing journey.
In this episode, Tina shares powerful insights on topics, such as radical acceptance, taking accountability for your choices, and the importance of that personal responsibility. Whether you've been through similar struggles or know someone who has, I know her story is going to provide you with hope and inspiration.
From Rock Bottom to Rock Solid.
We all have them...every single day, we wake up, we have the chance to make new choices.
We have the power to make our own daily, "Breakfast of Choices"
Resources and ways to connect:
Facebook: Jo Summers
Instagram: @Summersjol
Facebook Support: Chance For Change Women’s circle
Website: Breakfastofchoices.com
Urbanedencmty.com (Oklahoma Addiction and Recovery Resources) Treatment, Sober Living, Meetings. Shout out to the founder, of this phenomenal website... Kristy Da Rosa!
National suicide prevention and crisis, hotline number 988
National domestic violence hotline:
800–799–7233
National hotline for substance abuse, and addiction:
844–289–0879
National mental health hotline:
866–903–3787
National child health and child abuse hotline:
800–422-4453 (1.800.4.A.CHILD)
CoDa.org
12. Step recovery program for codependency.
National Gambling Hotline 800-522-4700
Welcome to Breakfast of Choices, the weekly podcast that shares life stories of transformation. Each episode holds space for people to tell their true, raw and unedited story of overcoming intense adversity from addiction and incarceration, mental illness, physical and emotional abuse, domestic violence, toxic families, codependency and more. Trauma comes in so many forms. I'm your host, jo Summers, and also someone who hit my lowest point before realizing that I could wake up every day and make a better choice, even if it was a small one. So let's dive into this week's story together to learn from and find hope through someone's journey from rock bottom to rock solid, because I really do believe you have a new chance every day to wake up and make a change, to create your own. Breakfast of Choices Good morning, welcome to Breakfast of Choices life stories of transformation from rock bottom to rock solid. I'm your host, jo Summers, and I'm here with my guest today, tina Curtis. In this conversation with Tina, we are going to talk about Tina's transformation journey from a traumatic childhood marked by abuse and the foster care system.
Speaker 1:Tina shares her experiences of feeling unheard and unprotected the complexities of love and toxic love in the context of addiction, the importance of finding your voice, the need for society to listen and believe survivors of trauma. Tina talks about courage, resilience, the foster care system, the importance of speaking out against abuse, the major impact of generational trauma and the power that really is, in sharing your stories of healing.
Speaker 2:We're going to touch on the struggles faced by children in foster care, the need for empathy and understanding, and the misconceptions surrounding adoption.
Speaker 1:It's normal to feel difficult emotions when discussing trauma and I am always so very grateful and very blessed when people come on and talk about their stories, because I know how difficult it is and I know how the feelings can come up and I appreciate it so very much for someone to be willing to share hope and encouragement to anyone who may be struggling. It is necessary to know that you're not alone and to have that validation from others can really be a powerful thing. Thank you so much for listening, and if anyone out there may be struggling, please reach out and ask help. I am always listening. And if anyone out there may be struggling, please reach out and ask help. I am always listening. And if you need resources and you need any help, please reach out, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening, liking, sharing and commenting. Let me know if there's something you would like to hear about or if you would just like to come on and chat with me and share your own story. And thank you for downloading. It means the world to me. Good morning, welcome to Breakfast of Choices. Live stories of transformation from rock bottom to rock solid.
Speaker 2:I'm your host, jo Summers, and I'm here with my guest today, tina Curtis. Tina lives in Oklahoma City and Tina and I have met, through I don't even know girl various sources, friends that we have just kind of the circle, the women's circle in Oklahoma City, I guess, of all the different groups and things that we all do. She was on a podcast for a while, she was a host for a while and so kind of got to know her a little bit through that and just she's an amazing person, she has an amazing journey and I'm going to go ahead and let her share it today. Hi Tina, hi Jo, how are you? I am doing good and how are you? I'm doing really, really good. I'm so happy to have you here today. You have an awesome journey to share and we were talking a little bit before we hit record today and just sharing this is so special to me. To have you talk about this and what you went through and why it is so important is just so, so great today. So thank you so much for agreeing to do this. I appreciate it. I know that it's hard to talk about all these things, but it is so healing and so hopeful and encouraging for others to hear. So, truly, truly, I appreciate it. Well, thank you. It's my honor to be here to talk about this, even though it is difficult. And you know, even still, after all these years, it can still be difficult to talk about. But that is, it's normal and it's part of the process. And I want others who have gone through similar experiences to know that what they're feeling is, one, it's okay and two, it's normal, but three, it's part of the healing journey. It's normal, but three, it's part of the healing journey.
Speaker 2:And to truly heal from these traumatic experiences, we have to go through them. Not relive them in the physical sense, but relive them by talking about them and experiencing the emotions and the way our bodies felt when they happened. So that way we can heal that part of us. But we can also realize that in the physical moment we are safe and it's okay to feel those feelings. And that's the only way to truly get through it is to go through it Absolutely, absolutely, and you have to let it out to heal it. That's part of it. Absolutely, you can't hold on to it and you can't keep it in your body. I don't know if you know the book Body Keeps the Score. But it's so true. Trauma stays with us and it lives in our body and it's our aches and our pains and our hurts and our migraines and our back pain and all of those things, and being able to get a lot of that out is so healing and freeing in.
Speaker 2:So so many say that, because I've had my own aches and pains, that I would go to the doctor and the doctor would tell me that they didn't see anything on the x-rays or the MRIs and it, in a way, made me feel like I was crazy, because I'm like I'm experiencing these things but there's nothing medically wrong. Well, for me, I'm such a curious creature. I kept digging and was like, well, what's going on with me? And trying to find the answers, because I'm a very solution oriented person, and so I finally came to realize that a lot of those aches and pain that I was feeling in my body are linked back to the trauma Absolutely, or linked back to experiences that I've gone through, or even not using my voice to speak up when I needed something or wanted something. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It stayed in me as and manifested physically as a part of me that was hurting, when really what I needed to do was give it attention and love it and take care of that part, absolutely. My physical health has improved just as much, if not more, because I don't feel so tired, I don't have all the achy hips and knees.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can't live in fight or flight. We can't. It exhausts our whole nervous system, it exhausts us and we can't live that way. We're not meant to live that way. Fight or flight is supposed to be a response to a traumatic event, not something that you hold on to through time and so eventually your body just says nope, so I'm done. Yeah, and so we have to get it out, we have to talk about it. And again, that's why I'm just so happy to be doing this and for everyone to share their stories, because it does get some of that out of our bodies. It does.
Speaker 2:And I think for me, the longest time, there was so much shame associated with talking about the abuse that I didn't want to talk about it, because I felt ashamed and I felt embarrassed and I felt gross and dirty, because part of me would want to relive that. But also, just the way, I didn't want pity from anyone either, like I wouldn't, I didn't want to share and people be like, oh you poor thing. No, yes, I went through that and it was horrible, but really let's celebrate getting through it and overcoming all the obstacles of growing up in foster care and getting through the challenges of what got me into foster care in the first place. You know like it was a whole cycle of during my childhood and being able to overcome that. I want to show others that they can overcome it too. I appreciate that.
Speaker 2:Well, tell me a little bit about how that started, how old you were and when you remember, or if you remember first going to foster care. I don't remember first going to foster care. I kind of first remember being removed from my house, or at least one of the times I was removed because I was actually living with my grandparents on my mother's side and she was nowhere to be found because she was a drug addict and a prostitute and so she was out doing whatever she was doing and I just remember the caseworkers or social workers whoever they were came to my grandparents' house and removed us and put us into foster care. I don't remember the home we went into at that point. I think you know I have that memory and then a lot of some of the symptoms, I guess, of growing up in such a turbulent home results in disassociating. Sure, I have a lot of memories that they're there and my body remembers them, but I don't necessarily remember them. And while that's, why were you removed from your grandparents' house? Why, there, I don't, I, that's what. I don't know why they came there to get us. I don't know, I really don't know, like I couldn't even begin to speculate why they came there. I just remember that as one of the earlier times and I don't know that it necessarily was even the first time. I just know it was early on and I was really little, probably two or so, okay, okay. So tell me kind of where where it starts that you do start remembering. You know what? Remembering um is one of the last foster homes I was in. I was around seven when they placed us there there and I was there until about 11. So I was there four to five years and that is.
Speaker 2:I think I remember that poem, not only because of how severe the abuse was, but because that's really where I found my voice and where I realized that I had to save myself because nobody was coming to save me. No one believed anything. I was telling them anyways. But it was where I discovered I'd have to keep telling people, because eventually somebody has to believe me. Who were you telling? Who were you telling that wasn't believing you? Well, I had told my the foster mom what was happening with her husband and what had been happening the last you know five years, and she never believed me.
Speaker 2:And every time I told her reaction, I would say her reaction got worse to the extent that she was more resistant to believe me and, you know, more dismissive. And there was one moment in particular I remember, and we were standing in the doorway, that in between the dining room and the hallway that led to their bedroom, and she was trying to get me to go in to say good morning. And I say good morning in quotes because that was what she did and that's how she, I think in her mind, justified what was happening and tried to play dumb. Was well, I'm just sending you in to say good morning. And you know, looking back, I know that that was just whatever coping mechanism she had developed. That was part of it.
Speaker 2:And I'm telling her what's happening and her face is telling me everything, like she doesn't believe me. And even if she does believe me, she's not hearing me because of whatever reason in her mind, like I can't believe this, whether it was because this was her safety net you know security because he was the breadwinner whatever the reason was. But that for me was kind of a turning point because I had told her multiple times and at that point I realized she was never going to believe me and even if she did believe me, she wasn't going to do anything about it. Do you think she knew? Do you think she knew? I absolutely am 100% confident that she knew. So it wasn't that she didn't believe you. You didn't know that then. Maybe it wasn't that she didn't believe you, it was that she wasn't going to do anything about it.
Speaker 2:So the more you said and the more you told her, the worst it got for her Right, and perhaps that's what it was. I mean, I was so young at the time that you know, when I look back I can connect more dots, but as a child I didn't connect the dots. I just, I think, felt confused and frustrated and I think a part of me felt like I wasn't loved because she wasn't willing to protect me, which is unfortunate, very, very and I think and not to like give too much empathy her way because what she did was inexcusable but I think she likely suffered a lot of abuse as a child and it was just a coping mechanism of, you know, going through generations of not being believed. You just repeat that cycle of not believing when a child tells you something bad is happening, because it's easier to not believe it, it's easier to not face the reality that someone is doing such horrible things to a child. Is it easier to not believe it or is it easier to not have to deal with it? Well, it's easier to not believe it because then you don't have to deal with it. You know, I think it just feeds into itself. You know that snake that eats a tail and it just. I think it's that it's easier to not believe because that feeds into. Easier not having to deal with it. Easier not having to face it, easier than having to. You know, go out and get a job so you can take care of yourself and these children that you hold, the state you're going to take care of. That you are not actually doing. Yeah, so you were.
Speaker 2:You were at that home from seven to eleven. You said do you, do you remember much before that being? Were you placed in several homes and taken out like over and over? Because that one sounds like you were in it for quite a long time. We had been in and out of foster care and that one was the one we had been in, at least my sister and I had been in the longest.
Speaker 2:Shortly after we were placed there, our parents' rights were permanently terminated and the judge went so far as to say that the rights were terminated and we were available for adoption, but he required our adoption to be out of state because he felt that was the only way we had a real chance at achieving a successful and normal life. And part of that was because, wherever we were, a mom, my biological mom, would find us and she would call and it would just be very disruptive. We could never get settled because wherever we were, she was promising that she was going to get better. Come get us. Then she lobbed us and all of these things, and the judge saw that and I thought, yeah, these kids need to be completely remote and inaccessible to this person. We needed some peace.
Speaker 2:So did that at the time? Do you remember if it helped you to have your mom call and tell you she loved you or did it hurt? Do you remember that feeling thing? That's a really good question and I think it's one of those situations where there's a dichotomy. Yeah for sure, as a child, I think I needed that. I needed to hear that she loved me. But it was confusing because her actions didn't match what I thought love would be, and I didn't understand addiction at the time. That you know, they can love you until their last breath, but it doesn't mean that they're going to get clean and sober and it has nothing to do with how much they love you. I'm so glad you in that. That's so true. That is so true. I mean, for me it created this story.
Speaker 2:I created this story in my mind of well, if she loved me enough, she would get sober, and so the fact that she didn't get sober, I meant that she didn't love me enough and so that meant I wasn't lovable. Yeah, but it's really not true. It's no. Addiction is different. Her choosing the addiction isn't about whether she loved me or not. It was what was happening with her, but at the time I didn't know that and I couldn't get to that plate.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, that that's why I asked that, because I can. I know this is going to sound weird, but I can physically feel that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that I need her to call and tell me she loves me, but yet that's disruptive in my life, like I can physically feel that for you. Yeah, that chokes me up a little. I mean it was, it was, but, like I said, it's that dichotomy of I needed it because I wanted to be loved by my parents, of I needed it because I wanted to be loved by my parents, but I also I think ultimately it did cause more damage than good because of the stories I created in my mind, because of her behavior and how confused it left me.
Speaker 2:And that just starts a cycle of so many things for you. Like you said, actions don't match words, like the trust, the no control, the everybody not protecting you, like the cycle that that started for you in your life is just so unfair and you have no control over that. You know, as a child, you have zero control. Like you said there, you're telling yourself these things and you're making up stories that you need to hear for yourself and I think that's so important to understand that as a child, you have no control. No, I didn't have control.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the thing is is I was creating all these stories but and I know, at the end of the day, her intention was probably to show us that she loved us. She just didn't know how to show that in a healthy way. Yeah, for me what has helped is, you know, people will say, well, that's not love. Well, I don't say it's not love, I say it's not a healthy love, it's not a beneficial love, it is a toxic type of love. But for her, that's all she knew the product of addiction is what it is. It is, it's the product of addiction. And for me, it helps to distinguish the different types of love, like we distinguish romantic love and friendship love and all of that. Well, there's also unhealthy and toxic love. There's healthy love, and it took me a long time to get to that place because, you know, therapists would be like, well, that's not love. Well, that messed with me because, yeah, it was like, well, that's not love, that she didn't really love me. Yeah, what they need to be telling you was that's a toxic form of love.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and part of me wanting to share my story is for us to reframe how we're approaching this with the kids, because, you know, when you're already abandoned and don't have your parents and you're going through foster care and you're experiencing all the things that you're experiencing because it's different for everyone for someone to be like, well, they didn't love you, that is just like a nail in the coffin. Yeah, that's, that's not yeah, that, that's just that. You're in your mind. They're just on loop and they just get worse. Because then it's like, well, you're abandoned and your boundaries aren't being respected by your foster parents. The boundaries aren't being respected by your biological parents, because for me, the mom's calling and doing disruptive things. And then now you're hearing from someone that, oh well, they didn't love you. Well, that's yeah, that's an impulse, it's a false statement. They loved you the best they could. Right, when you know better, you do better when you know better, you do better.
Speaker 2:Exactly. I don't think people realize what it does to a child when they say things like that. But it's to know that we need to be very conscientious of what we're saying to children. Words matter. They are listening, they are watching, they are sponges and when you have a child like me, who it's already tumultuous, the words that you say just feed into that story and we're sure, yeah, and we gotta let kids know that whatever story they have going on in their mind, that's a false story, absolutely, to help them see the true story, the real story of who they are, that they are loved, they're lovable and that they are worth saving, absolutely, 100%.
Speaker 2:And they didn't deserve to have to need saving, that's right. They didn't deserve that. That need saving, that's right. They didn't deserve that. That wasn't their responsibility. No, no, it was the responsibility of the adults who, I would say, failed and did a very poor job of it. But it's not the child's responsibility, but a lot of the responsibility does get placed on the child. So for you, when you're going into this home at seven years old, I mean, obviously that's scary and you don't know these people and you're here, you are. What does that do to your sense of self of just trying?
Speaker 1:to adapt to your new surroundings.
Speaker 2:You're just trying to. You know what I mean get in there and what. What does that look like? I mean, for me, at that point I think it was so normal that it was like, well, here's another one, let's see how long this place lasts. You know, it was, I guess, in a way defeating, because you know you're going into another placement, you don't know how long you're going to be there. You don't know how long you're going to be there. You don't know what it's going to be like.
Speaker 2:I think, in some ways, because they had other daughters and one of the daughters was living there, it was more comforting because there was someone else in the home, another female child. But when I look at it from an adult perspective, I see it differently Because, yes, there was a female in the home. She was a female child or an adult child. I don't remember how old she was at the time. I want to say she was in her teens, but I honestly don't remember because of when we were there. Yeah, was your sister with you? My sister was with me in this home. My brother was not. He was placed with the. I think it was the sister of the foster mother, so it was a relative. So we still got to see each other, but it was more like establishing a cousin type relationship, not a brother sister relationship, because we weren't growing up together and so we did get to see each other and all of that, which was good, and my sister was there, but it was.
Speaker 2:It's one of those things when I look back now and I know the things. I know because this man had abused his own daughters. So, of course, coming into the home we weren't, even though it was like a reassuring thing that there was another female there. There was a reason that when they requested only females because that's why we were separated in this home is not because they didn't have a room, it's because they only wanted girls, and at the time I didn't know why. And that's not to say everybody who only requests girls. No, you're looking at in a lot of ways. You can look at that in a lot of ways. You can look at that in a lot of ways In a lot of ways, because I went to another home and they only had girls and I wasn't being abused at that home. I don't know if any of the girls were, but in this particular home I think it needs to be a red flag and they ask more questions. Yeah, because in this home the reason that he only wanted girls is because he was planning to abuse the home that my brother had been moved into. There was abuse happening in that home. They eventually shut that home down and he didn't have anywhere to go. So they brought him into our foster home and I found out later that the father foster father started abusing my brother. So he had abused his own daughters and he had abused my sister and then he started abusing my brother. So for me, that's why he only wanted girls. I think was for his own pleasure, really, because he didn't distinguish between who he abused.
Speaker 2:And so did you. I know you told the foster mom. Had you told anybody else, like someone at school, a friend, anything like that? The reason I'm asking? I'm not saying that you should have or were going to or needed to, I'm just wondering because you said nobody believed you and I want to kind of hear that process. Well, I mean, after four years I don't remember who all I had told.
Speaker 2:I know I had told the foster mom. I'm pretty sure I had told some of the caseworkers because they came pretty sporadically to check on us and I did eventually, when I was 11, like after that moment in the doorway and realizing she was never, even if she believed me, she was never going to do anything about it, I knew I had to say somebody because I was desperate to get out of that home. I mean, I was literally dying from the inside out at this point and just shrinking and becoming like this hollow shell of myself and I didn't have a plan. I didn't know who to turn to for help. But I was very I listened to my inner voice like my intuition is really strong and I am really good at listening to it and I was in elementary school, walking through like the lobby corridor area to get onto the bus after school, and I walked past the school office and this little voice inside of me said go tell somebody. And I didn't think twice about it. I just went in and said I needed to talk to somebody. Who could I talk to? And so they sat me down, had me talk to one of the school administrative personnel and like the look on her face was just shocked and she said hold on, I want you to tell this to somebody else. And so she brought in someone else. And I told them and they just kind of looked at each other like this child cannot go back into this home. And I did have to go back into the home.
Speaker 2:But the home got investigated, we were removed and there wasn't anybody available for placement when we were removed. So we went into the place in Kentucky is called the home of the innocent. It's like an orphanage place for kids who don't have a foster home, but it's not a shelter, I guess. Okay, because it's not necessarily temporary. You can stay there longer term. And we went into that and that was one of the first times I'd been separated from my sister because we were the age difference I was 11, she would have been, I guess, 14. So they were putting her with kids her age and putting me with kids my age.
Speaker 2:And that didn't work out well for me because and when I say didn't work out well for me, I didn't handle that well yeah, I literally lost my shit Because I was being separated from my sister. And so they eventually let me be with her. They're like well, if you're going to behave and follow the rules, then we'll let you go, stay in her area, which I was Like. I was a good kid. I followed the rules and did what I was supposed to do. But it go ahead and let me ask you something when you told at school and you saw that that helped, did that change anything for you that maybe people do listen or anything like that, did that help for you? It did. It was validation that what I had been going through really was that awful and that it was not okay. But I finally felt heard like matters, you mattered, you matter, like that. What I was saying did matter and that it wasn't okay to be doing these things to me or to anyone. But it was.
Speaker 2:I don't know why it happened at school. I've tried to, like you know, go through the psychoanalysis of it all and I just don't know other than I felt safe at school and I loved school Like I did really well in school. I think the teachers you know that was one of the only places that I felt seen, because the teachers could see my potential. I got good grades, I was a smart kid, I was a safe player. I was a safe player yeah, it was. And one of the foster homes we went to actually I'm just remembering this and I don't know if it was between that foster home I was removed from and the home in the Innocence Bar, I think it was actually. I think there was a transition foster home. I don't even know at this point I'd have to like do the timeline of it, but I was doing so well in school that, no, this would have been in the foster home. I was doing so well in school because I was in third grade that they put me in a fourth and fifth grade split class for the kids that were excelling to make it more challenging for them. And I was in third grade, but they put me in a fourth, fifth grade split class.
Speaker 2:And the reason I'm asking you the questions about how did you feel when you told is because that is one of the things that not only children hear, but adults hear. Why didn't you just tell somebody and it's very flip when someone says that to you. Do you know what I mean? It's like oh, I just. It's so many reasons. Yeah, there's so many reasons people don't tell there's threat. There's I could end up somewhere worse. There's they could hurt me. There's they've told me they're going to hurt me or my sister or my brother. There's so many different reasons that people don't tell, adults included, and it is really frustrating when you hear somebody in this day and age 2024, say, well, why don't you just tell somebody? It makes me so just angry, because there's if you don't know and you've never walked in someone's shoes there's so many reasons people don't tell or don't Well, it's accusatory.
Speaker 2:To me, that question is very accusatory, especially for a child, because it's not the child's responsibility to keep themselves safe. That is the parent's job, or the adult who's been given the responsibility to take care of this child. It's on them, it's not the child. But yet, especially when we talk with children who are abused, you ask them why don't you tell anybody? Who said they didn't tell anybody? First of all, because in my case, I told people but nobody listened, nobody believed me, and if they did believe me, they weren't going to do anything about it. It's you have to keep telling people until you get the person who believes you, and we see it so much, even with the cases of assault happening and women coming forward and talking about and they're like well, why are you waiting until now? Can we just not ask that question and instead approach it like how brave are you to finally come forward? This is a courageous act, but that's not how we treat women. We continue to perpetuate the victim and make them the bad guy. Because, well, why didn't they say something sooner? And why didn't we tell anyone? Because I can tell you, I told the foster mom multiple times, I know.
Speaker 2:I told the caseworker, I told my sister, and it was my sister. My sister prompted me to say something. She didn't tell me at the time that she was being abused, but she wasn't going to say anything and she, I think, got the sense of how outraged by, how outraged I was that I was seriously going to say something. She was. So she was like, yes, say something, I'll back you up. But then when I said something, she didn't back me up. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.
Speaker 2:And I'll never forget sitting in the living room at this foster home. I was in the chair right next to the door and the foster mom is coming at me and at this time one of the daughters had come forward saying he had abused her as a child. Well, he admitted that, but he didn't admit it for me. And the foster mom is coming at me like, well, why would he admit it to her, but not to you. And I'm thinking, well, I don't know, why did he want them to have? I can't speak for this man who's doing these awful things and why he would lie. Like maybe there's some self-preservation in it for him. He thinks he's going to save face because he only abused one daughter and not all of us. Like, come on, like don't put that on a child, don't put that on the abuse survivor.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Put that on the person who did it. Yeah, I mean I am so sorry that all that happened for you through all those years and that nobody did believe you.
Speaker 1:I'm very sorry about that and it is very important for everybody to hear, that If someone comes to you with something, I don't care how it sounds, always treat it with it's believable.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Absolutely. You don't know. Yes, is there people that maybe don't tell the truth Absolutely. But do we want to risk that? No, that's one of my things Like why would you risk that? The other side of that is a child this young to be able to have the language, to be able to say these things. They didn't learn it by reading books at school. No, they didn't learn it by reading books at school. No, think about it. Let's use our critical thinking skills of how a child this young knows this much about things that most adults probably don't even know about.
Speaker 2:And the courage that it took, the courage Right and just I mean, I can imagine how scary that can be for a child, you know, and just the courage that it would take for a child to tell someone is phenomenal and I'm sorry that you went through that that someone didn't believe you. I honestly don't believe that she didn't believe you. I truly don't believe me either. I think it was a way for her to justify an excuse on doing anything about it. She was in a situation, I'm sure as well. I'm going to try to be a little empathetic to her as well, because I'm sure he was abusive to her as a child and, like you know, was just repeating the cycle. I don't know, you know. I do know.
Speaker 2:You know there's a difference between a pedophile and a perpetrator. Yeah, you know, a pedophile can be a perpetrator. A perpetrator may not be a pedophile. It may be their coping skills that they've learned that this is how you deal with things and they're just repeating the cycle. Original curses are real and that's why they call them generational curses and they have to be broken. And you know they don't always get broken. You know they don't. No, they don't. And for me, I look at it, it's not addiction, but I think it is a form of addiction in a way, when you are abusive, because addiction is a learned behavior, it's a learned way of coping and abuse is a learned way of coping. It's just on a different spectrum where you know it may involve domestic violence, abuse, emotional abuse, there's narcissistic abuse, like, I'm not a therapist, therapist, but I've been gone through enough therapy and, yeah, and absolutely you know, exposed to enough to know that there's different types of abuse and it's learned behavior, just like addiction.
Speaker 2:And I don't know if we're not excusing it. In what shape or form am I trying to say he might have went. I'm not excusing it. So, please, please, no, I am not saying you're trying to excuse someone, it's.
Speaker 2:It's we have to, and that's why we have to heal, because the more we talk about it, the more it comes out and the more people will talk about it, and the people that are doing the abusing need to understand that they can heal from doing that as well. That's right, and I think that's another part of the message is that abuse is inexcusable. We can explain it, but once you're aware that you're doing it just like if you're an alcoholic once you become aware and if you make the choice to not get help and heal, then you are now choosing that. Yeah, and that's different than you doing something and just not being cognizant that. How hurtful it is, like it doesn't.
Speaker 2:And I don't mean that in a way that it excuses the abuse, that he wasn't aware of it.
Speaker 2:I mean it as just from human to human, to show empathy that he could have gone through some awful things and that was his learned coping mechanism that he never healed from. And because he never healed from it, I'm caught in the line of fire his daughters got caught in the line of fire of how he dealt with life and his own trauma, and it's just not fair. It and it wasn't fair for you either. So let's be clear about that it wasn't fair for you or anybody else in that had been through that home, that went through that. It wasn't fair but and it it's not fair. That's. That is just the absolute 100 truth.
Speaker 2:Life is not fair, it's not and and it. Life is difficult and you know, at the end of the day, we have to stand up and use our voice for what's right and you know, say what we want and say what we need and say what's going on and share, because there's so much power in sharing and connecting with the community through shared stories and knowing that we're not alone. That's huge. Knowing that you're not alone is huge, because when you don't feel that you have any hope, I always say that's when the spiral starts, when you feel hopeless and you don't have any hope and there's just no hope in your outlook for the future.
Speaker 2:Very bad things come of that. Yeah, absolutely. And I think some of it is realizing how lonely I felt because, even though I was in this home and he had abused his daughters, he was abusing my oldest sister and ultimately abused my brother I had no idea because we weren't talking about it. Sure, nobody was talking about it to each other. Yeah, and I think we were all in such a deep survival mode that we weren't even aware of what was happening to the other. You know, yeah, you're, you're in fight or flight, you're in survival mode and you're in like self-preservation of just trying to survive, absolutely, and you know, finding out that this was happening to them. Not that that I was happy about that, but it felt relief that it wasn't just me, I wasn't alone. I was suffering alone, but I wasn't going through it alone because I was doing it to others. And that's hard too, because you just said it. Not that I was happy, they were going through it, but everybody felt not alone, right? Yeah, and that's it's. It is huge to feel like you're not the only one. It really is, and I think you know, at least for me as a foster kid, there was so much isolation and feeling like I was the only one going through these things. And then growing up and seeing that there are millions of foster kids and they all have their stories and they're not alone. And if they can find the courage to share what's going on, I think it would help the world see that these kids are not lost souls. They're brave, they're courageous, they're resilient, they're strong. But every step of the grit that they have to be able to go through these things and still be alive and function is just phenomenal and incredible and I think there needs to be so much credit given to that, instead of saying oh, oh well, you went through all this, so you're going to end up over here in jail or on drugs and you're going to become a statistic and we're just not going to worry about you. But from this of appreciating what these kids have gone through and that they're still going to me, that's incredible. Like, why aren't we doing more? So you and I what was it maybe two weeks ago went to a fundraiser basically, yeah, cocktails for a Cause for the Comeback Kids Society. Right, that's right. A little shout out to Kendall Torres here. Yeah, shout out to Comeback Society. I love their mission and their mission is for working with kids in foster care and giving that voice and letting them know that they are important and that they do matter and they do phenomenal things for the foster kids in the community and it's a beautiful nonprofit. It's a beautiful thing that they're doing and it needs to be done more. There needs to be more.
Speaker 2:You said that that is kind of a lost pocket. You know what I mean. It's like a lost and we talked about that a little before we hit record. When it doesn't directly affect you, you don't think about it, right, right, it's. It's kind of like it's outside your tunnel vision, it's outside of your reality, so it doesn't exist or it doesn't matter. And really it matters so much because that is our society, that's our it's.
Speaker 2:There's so many children in foster care. The statistics of how many children, especially in Oklahoma too, is phenomenal. I was a CASA worker and advocate for children in foster care, because someone had to advocate for the child, not for the parents, not for the family, not for the foster care system, but for the child in the home. And I will tell you, tina, my eyes were open to oh my gosh, just the foster care system and how it works and the treatment plan and the reunification and the 15 months. And it was the frustration and that system is real. It is real and I know it's hard, it's a legal system situation and it's difficult, but it was so frustrating, just as a person trying to advocate for a child, the frustration level of that was just unbelievable. The barriers that you have to go through and the hoops that I get, the barriers you have to overcome and hoops you have to jump through when you're in that system is just incredible and it I know it's meant to help protect the children, but in some ways it can do more harm than good.
Speaker 2:There's just so much the bureaucracy of it all and the paperwork and the red tape and just you know, feeling like you don't matter because it's on to the next court date. You know what I mean. Oh, we're going on to the next court date, which is months away. You know what I mean. So talk about the feeling that you don't matter. You can just see that. You know what I mean. Like all right, now we got to wait. Now we got to wait again. Now we got to wait again. Now we got to wait again. Now we got to wait again. It's like it just keeps on going so hard, so hard to watch that really from.
Speaker 2:I mean, you know, I don't want to say like foster care is such an awful thing. I think it does help kids. It's because of foster care that you know I was ultimately adopted and have been able to create the life that I have. But I think we also, if we want to be real people talk about, you know, being authentic. Well, we've got to be authentic in how we see the world and look at it through real eyes and not rose-colored glasses, because there's this horrible dark side of foster care that you know can happen. It doesn't mean you have to shut the system down and it doesn't mean that it doesn't work and do some of what it was intended to do. But we just have to be really honest about the other side of it is that it isn't always rainbows and sunshine. And again, there is a side of that where there's many good foster homes. So we're not saying a lot of foster homes are bad, and thank you, everybody out there, anyone who is a foster parent and provides a good home for children or for a child. Thank you for that, because that's not easy either, because they're now a part of that system too. They are now a part of that system and that you're all in that as well.
Speaker 2:And I did have some of the homes that were good and that the foster parents were great, you know. So I think for me it was part of being able to experience that not all of them were like that, because I could see that, you know, this isn't normal, this is. It happens sometimes, and maybe for some kids it happens more prevalent than other kids. For me it was, you know, I wouldn't I don't know the percentage, but it was. You know a little bit of each, you know, but it was. You know a little bit of each, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the foster home I was in right before the couple in Oklahoma that found us, it was an all-girls home, but I don't know of anybody being abused in that home. Mine wasn't. That doesn't mean it wasn't happening. I'm just saying it wasn't happening to me and I'll never forget one of the earlier days after being placed there. We went in to the living room and I think it was sound of music playing on the TV and they had the lights turned off and I was terrified because of everything I had gone through, went in and pulled my knees up against my chest and sat very quietly next to a chair on the floor and was as quiet as I could be and just very unsure of what was going to happen. And I'll never forget the foster dad looking over and letting me know that I was safe and letting the other kids know that it's okay. I was just scared, yeah, because he could see that I was terrified and all we were doing was watching a movie, because watching a movie they turn the lights off. There you are like sitting in the dark at this right now. Yeah, very scary. Oh, my goodness, girl, when you went movie at the other foster home was not a safe thing to do.
Speaker 2:Bad things happened when we watched movies and the lights were off, right, and so that's what you know, a simple thing that I think we take for granted of being able to watch a movie and feel safe during that. I didn't have that. Yeah, I was terrified and it showed, yeah, and I'm thankful that he saw that, he acknowledged that and he spoke on it. You know he did and I mean I remember just letting out this breath of like I can breathe. I mean I still kept my knees close and I still like, yeah, held myself closely, but I can breathe. I mean I still kept my knees close and I still like, yeah, held myself closely, but I can breathe, and I eventually I did like lay my legs out and watch the movie and enjoy it, but it took a little bit. Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 2:So you were in the place in Kentucky, you, your sister. What happened after that? Because, like we kind of I kind of got you sidetracked, sorry, well, we jumped around. What happened after that? Like we kind of I kind of got you sidetracked, sorry, well, we jumped around like, whoa, what. What happened after that? Because now you're 11, right, yeah, so well, we talked about, we were removed and I ended up in home of the innocents and then they found a home for us and it was the home I just spoke about, that it was an all-world home, but I was safe at this place and I wasn't being abused.
Speaker 2:And then a couple here in Oklahoma found us and said that they wanted to adopt all three of us. Oh, wow. Which is incredible, because I mean, if you look at the statistics, especially at that time it was in late 80s, early 90s. Okay, you know, 11 is old for a child to be adopted, and there were three of us. My sister was 14. I was 11. My little brother was nine. We were all considered old to be adopted and the fact that you know there was a family, I would say, willing to adopt all three of us at our ages and keep us together was just phenomenal. Yeah, and we, they came. I think they came to Kentucky to meet us and then we eventually were flown out here to meet them a couple of different times and then it was settled and we all, you know the adoption was moving forward. So we moved out here and I moved out to Piedmont and at the time Piedmont wasn't anywhere. I never knew where Piedmont was, but we were in Piedmont and eventually, because of my sister's age, she was able to give consent to be adopted or not and she chose not to be adopted. So she was moved back to Kentucky and put in foster care and my brother and I stayed here because we did want to be adopted.
Speaker 2:But what I love about, one of the things I love about the mom and dad who adopted us, is they gave me the choice. They could see how important it was for my sister to have a say and how much I was like, well, why don't I have a say? But because I wasn't of the age, I didn't legally have the right to give a consent, but they said that they would wait until I did agree before finalizing the paperwork. They, they, let you have a voice. They gave me that voice and it was. I know it might seem like a small thing, but for somebody who would, yeah, just finding her voice, that was it. No control your whole life, no control of anything. Your whole life. If someone gave you a voice, it's huge and it was incredible and it helped me. One of those things, that thing, your whole life. Someone gave you a voice. It's huge, right, and it was incredible and it helped me. One of those things that helped me not only be seen but feel like I was valued and loved and that what I had to say mattered. And you know it. Those there wasn't a lot of those moments, but those are the moments I held on to even going into adulthood to realize that, you know, I did matter and my voice mattered.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's so much trying to shut us up and keep us in line and you know, at the end of the day, we have to say what's going on. We have to use our voices. We do, we do, we have's going on. We have to use our voices, we do, we do. We have to have boundaries. We have to use our voices. We have to, as hard as it is, and you know we say you have to.
Speaker 2:Again, there's certain reasons people don't. There's a lot of threat. There's a lot of threat of violence, there's a threat of death. There's many reasons why people don't use their voice and we're not trying to take away from that and it absolutely. There are very valid concerns of people's safety when they do use their voice and I absolutely understand that. I mean I was putting myself at risk by using my own voice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess at the time I felt like I was dying and so hollow that whatever harm was going to come to me was not going to be worse than what I was already going through. Yeah, and looking at it as an adult, I'm thinking, wow, that is so brave of this little child. But at the end of the day, we have to realize both situations are hard. It's hard to stay in an abusive situation. It's hard to go to treatment for addiction. It's hard to be a single parent. All of these things are hard. We just have to decide which hard we're going to choose. Are we going to choose our hard yes, the hard path and the journey to heal and keep ourself and our children safe? Are we going to choose the hard of staying in a situation that is detriment to ourselves and possibly our children, like we? Just we have to make that choice.
Speaker 2:And I know both are scary and both our children Like we. Just we have to make that choice and I know both are scary and both are hard, but only the person going through it knows their situation and their circumstances and they're the only person that can change. Yes, and sometimes a safety plan is necessary and you can use your voice. So again, definitely not saying it is easy, oh, it's not easy. And if you were able to make a safety plan and get people on board and help you put it together, absolutely sometimes I was 11 I didn't know what a safety plan was, right difference, and I think it's different for kids than it is adults. But at the end of the day I mean, your podcast is breakfast of choices we all have a choice and I think that's what we have to remember is, whatever we choose is our choice and every choice that we make has a consequence. Yes, if we don't like what's happening, we have the power to change it through our changing our choices. Absolutely One hundred percent.
Speaker 2:Life is about choices. It truly is, again, understood. Children don't always have choices. People don't feel like they have choices and situations. Sometimes I'm not trying to minimize that, but overall, sometimes I'm not trying to minimize that, but overall, in general, life is about choices.
Speaker 2:Well, I have a choice and I didn't have control as a child, right and I had a voice. Wow, that is something I did have and that gave me. At the time I didn't feel it, but looking back I realized the power that was in the voice that I had and that I chose to use, because I could choose to continue to stay silent or I could choose to say something. Being silent was killing me and that wasn't where I wanted to be. So I chose to not be silent and to use my voice. That would be the choice that other people made and I can't say if that's right or wrong. Only they can decide that For me, it was the right thing, because I wasn't ready to die. This is very courageous of you at the time, because you didn't know what was going to happen. You don't know the consequences of that. No, I didn't know. I had no idea, but I knew that, no matter what happened next, it could not be any worse than what was already happening, because I was literally dying on the inside. And when you're at that place at such a young age, I knew that if I didn't do something different and get help, that either I would have physically died or I would have gone down a path that was just destructive, because I didn't know how to cope with it. I didn't know how to deal with it, I just knew it had to stop. And when you're a child and you are powerless, you don't see the world like an adult, you don't see how things can go. I guess I don't know how to say it. It's just, I knew I didn't have any control over anything outside of just finding someone to help, and that was my full mission. You did good. You did good.
Speaker 2:So your adoptive family, you and your brother, got adopted. Yes, your sister, my sister, ended up back in Kentucky in foster care and she aged out of the system. Okay, and that was her choice. And that was her choice. And I think you know I can't speak for her. You know, knowing the frame of mind I was in, I think it was a choice that she made in desperation, like I don't know what was going on in her mind, but I imagine I mean she was 14. She had been going through the things I had been going through and we were definitely in fight or flight and survival mode, and when you're in that place, when you make decisions, it's a choice of survival and not out of a choice of like, what is going to benefit me. It's like, how do I stay afloat? And I don't know if it's because foster care was her comfort zone and that's what she knew and something else was too scary to try, or if, because, you know, there had been other couples that tried to adopt us but chose not to because it was too much work, it was too hard, and so they gave us back. So I don't know if she was just afraid that was going to happen and she was just like pre-emptive of I'm going to make the choice now to yeah. Yeah, you know, I had a really warm troll. She wanted to have some control of what's going on. That's totally understandable. I mean, it is completely understandable.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that she ended up aging out of the system and so you stayed with that family, yeah, you and your brother, both my brother and the both and you see I was 11 and he was nine at the time they went ahead and finalized the paperwork with him and then, when I was ready, they finalized the paperwork with me, and it was about a year later. I was 12 when I was officially adopted, and that's mom, that you well, it's who I consider to be my mom. Yeah, and so after I mean, just because you got adopted, that doesn't mean magically life is now easy. Oh, absolutely not, and I think that's a huge misconception is, oh well, you were adopted, life is perfect now. Well, you've already been through years of trauma Years, yeah, I mean, and it's not even perfect after you're adopted. I mean, they're human and they weren't perfect parents either. I know they did their best, um, but it because they adopted us and gave us a safe place and provided a home.
Speaker 2:It helped to be able to see that. You know, life could be different. So I don't want to discount that that it did impact me, because it did, but it didn't change how I had already learned to cope, how I already saw myself, the stories I was already telling myself, how I viewed myself, my confidence, my self-esteem All of that was already firmly in place and so I had to unravel that. But I didn't really start unraveling that and learning to hope differently until I was in my 20s, at the end of college, because I hit a wall. I mean, I'll never forget.
Speaker 2:I was in my apartment in Norman and I just did not want to go another day Like I was done with life, but I didn't know how to do anything differently. You know, like you have this drive to want something differently, but I didn't know how to do it differently. And you know, when I hit that wall, I called my mom. You know she didn't judge me, she just she knew there would come a time when I was ready and she was giving me space to get ready. And so when I reached out to her, she was prepared. She was like hey, if you're ready, then there's this place called a chance to, and there is a therapist there who specializes in sexual abuse survivors. If you want to go meet with him and honestly, I was terrified because it was a man. I was just going to say if you want to go meet with him, my heart sunk when you said that, yeah, like I was terrified, but there was this part of me that was like that's all the more reason to go, so that way you can prove to yourself that you can trust a man and that not all men are like what you've been exposed to and I think it was part of my healing process was to have a male therapist help me through that.
Speaker 2:I mean, I still am going through it. I think I will be going through it for the rest of my life, but I know how to cope with it now and the things I'm still struggling with. I know how to reach out for help with. And when the tools I have aren't working, I will find a new tool, Because I'm A big bag, a big bag of tools, a big toolbox. You have to have a big toolbox because, like the roller rail trap on biggest Right, because sometimes meditation and breathing isn't going to work for me, sometimes journaling isn't going to work, sometimes it's I need a combination of things.
Speaker 2:Sure, sometimes I do just need to cry and be angry and let my frustrations out, but I have to give that space for myself to be able to do that safely. And it's okay to have emotions. It's okay to have emotions and it's okay to, like you said, be angry, be happy, be sad, be angry, and it might change day to day and that's okay to have emotions. And it might change minute to minute or hour to hour. We all go through the life and we all have challenges and obstacles. We have to hour. Like you know, we all go through the life and we all have challenges and obstacles we have to overcome. It's what I realize is it's how we approach those obstacles and those challenges, how we choose, how we choose and what choices we make to show up in the world. That's right and that is up to us.
Speaker 2:I could justify bad behavior all day long because of how I grew up, but at the end of the day, I'm an adult and it's time for me to accept responsibility and accountability for myself. There does come a time when you have to live in the now and become a product of your choices, not a product of your environment. That's right. That has to be that transition and it's not easy, no, I know, but I look at it more of and I don't remember who I heard this from, but it was a few years ago.
Speaker 2:But talking about like radical acceptance, radical accountability and radical responsibility, and radical accountability and radical responsibility and radical changes and radical changes and radical acceptance is about accepting what happened and accepting reality as it is, not how we want it to be or how we think it is, but how it actually is. And then radical accountability is holding yourself accountable for your actions and your choices. For me it was, you know, when I was in an abusive relationship, not holding myself accountable for his actions, but looking at the choices I made, that got me there, yeah, or why I stay, or why I do this or why I continue to do what I do, right. And my why is always based out of choices Because, yeah, I mean typically the why is like I hope they're going to change or they say they're going to change and I believe them. And realizing that, you know, at a point it becomes a pattern and that they're not likely to change and so I have to make a different choice to protect myself. The only person who changes you, the only person you can change, is you. That's right. That's the only one you have control over.
Speaker 2:And then radical responsibility is being responsible for yourself and for your life and your choices and your actions. And you know, realizing that you are still human, you're going to make mistakes, you're going to hurt people. Yeah, you may not intend it, but at the end of the day, the attention doesn't really matter as much as you realize it's happening and you do the work to do it differently and be better next time. Absolutely. When we know better, we do better, absolutely, and we have to get to that place where we want to know better. We have to that's right and accept. Sometimes it is about acceptance. That's a huge thing in the big book AANA whatever page 417, acceptance you have to learn to accept the things that are happening you know and accept to be able to change. You have to Right and accountability. It's just huge and it is. You know.
Speaker 2:You went through a lot of things that could cause you to be hurt, angry, confused. You know so many emotions, detached. You know all of those things and there was a point in time where you decided that I have to work on these things. I have to fix these things, heal from these things, change these things. And you had to come to that point. Like you said your mom, let me have enough space to finally get around to that point. Nobody forced you to go see somebody. She let you have the space to get there Right. And I think we have to give people that. We have to give them the space to come to that decision on their own.
Speaker 2:As difficult as it is and as hopeless as it can feel to watch someone struggling or going through addiction or be in an abusive relationship. It's hard to watch and it's hard to go through that with that person, but all we can do is be there for them and support them and, when they are ready, be there for them, not judge them or bring our ego into the situation of, well, I tried to help you before and it didn't work. Or you never listened to me or you didn't take my advice. Like, yeah, you never listened, or you didn't take my advice, or you didn't do this or you didn't do that. Well, it's not always what it's about, because they're making that about them Black and white. Like, cut our egos aside and realize that this person is now in a place that they're ready to not only ask for help but receive help, and so we can be there to support them.
Speaker 2:And there will be a time when we can sit down and probably have the conversation about how you felt upset that they didn't you, or that you're angry and heard that it took them so long. But the day they are reaching out to you is not the day to have that conversation. It is not. It is absolutely not. But people are at a time when it's more appropriate and it's about, can be about you, because the moment they're calling you, it needs to be about them and getting them A hundred percent. That's so, so huge. Because I know, when you're, when you deal with someone, that you know you may have been through things with them over and over and over again, right. And then they call you and you're still like in that, oh, they already did this or they already said that or we've already went through this discussion.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter If someone is calling you to talk through something that serious, just let them. Let them. Just let them. Just let them Just be there for them and let them Be an ear for them, not a source of judgment. Or you don't have to fix it all the time either.
Speaker 2:And we all have a tendency yeah, we all have a tendency, me too. We want to fix it. We want to fix it, but sometimes we just need to listen. We do, and I think we have a tendency to not want to see people we love struggle and go through the hard things of life. But that's how they grow and that's how they grow and that's how they learn is by going through that struggle, and we don't have to fix it. They can learn the lesson on their own. We can just be there for them.
Speaker 2:That saying the struggle is real, it's real and it's real, it's real and that's a it's a great saying. It really is, but it encompasses so many things, you know. But the struggle is real and if you're going through the struggle, you're exactly where you need to be at that point. That's right and that's how that person will hopefully get better. And it's OK to also have boundaries. If you're not able to be there for somebody because of your own struggles or whatever's happening in your life, it's okay to say I can't be here for you at this moment, absolutely. That is okay. Yeah, and everybody's not equipped to deal with everything that you've been through, and that's okay too. That's okay.
Speaker 2:And I love that you said that because, like one of my biggest things is, I always wanted to have this nonprofit where I help foster kids aging out of the system. And then I think, realizing that that's not where my strengths are and that's not where my bandwidth is, is to be in that every day. Where my strength and where I can help most, I think, is, you know, talking with the kids and talking with others and sharing my story and letting people who are running the nonprofit do that, because that's where they excel. That's and that's beautiful that you, you can recognize that. You know that may be what I want, but that's not my strength.
Speaker 2:I think that's where the radical acceptance comes in is acknowledging where your strengths and weaknesses are and where you can really do the most good. That's been my whole last week, girl. You just explain it like it's right when can you do the most good? Because when we do things we want to do, I think it's more ego-driven. When we do where it's going to be the most beneficial, that's coming from that place of your heart and authenticity and not ego. So it's a different drive, it's a different motivation. It is, it truly is, and I'm glad that you said that because, like I said, that's been my whole last week and that, right there, just summed it up what comes from the heart and what is ego driven. That's right, completely summed it up. So tell us I mean you, obviously you've been through a lot, you've been through a lot and to look at you, nobody sees that right. No, but no, we can't judge a book by its cover.
Speaker 2:I know that's so cliche to say, oh gosh, I don't know how many times I've heard people say well, your life couldn't have been that rough. Or look at you, you have it really good and you're too pretty for things like that to have happened and one. It's demoralizing and demeaning. But also it completely negates that just because you are attractive or whatever people's perception are of you, that you can't go through these things. It's false. Like it doesn't matter what you look like, it doesn't matter where you are now. I am where I am now because I have had to claw tooth and nail to get here. Yeah, not because it was handed to me or because I got lucky. Like no, you're a fighter, you're a fighter, you're a survivor, you're a fighter and that's so important.
Speaker 2:You know, what people show on the outside is truly the outside Social media, the pictures, the big smiles, the jumping around, the dancing that's a moment in time. That is not someone's life, right, and do not compare yourself to someone's moment in time that was scripted for social media, exactly Because life is made up of all of our moments, yes, and there are good moments and bad moments, and happy moments and sad moments, and we can't leave some of the ones out that we don't like and still call it a life, and for me, that's what I had to realize I had to incorporate those awful, dirty, dark moments that happened in my life in order to have a full life, to be full and to be a whole human, to be able to truly show up as myself, because that is part of who I am and part of what made me who I am today. And the longer that I do this, I will tell you everyone has a story. Okay, yeah, absolutely. And the longer that I do this, I will tell you everyone has a story. Okay, yeah, absolutely. Well, I think sometimes, like if you're having you know whatever it is that's happening at that moment, and then somebody meets you in a different moment, it can feel in the right, yeah, yeah, maybe, but it may not be, it just may not be Right, right, it just can be that person's having a different day than from the moment you saw them on social media. And for me, I would tell people to take things they see online with a grain of salt, because it's a snapshot of what happened in that time. It doesn't mean it's representative of the whole picture no, absolutely not. Like a pixel in the picture. Yeah, there you go, it's a whole thing. It's not the big picture, it's just a little pixel and we have all the pixels that add up to be the moments that equal our lives.
Speaker 2:So what are you doing now in your life? What is Tina doing now? Well, now I'm an entrepreneur. That was hard for me to accept. I'm an entrepreneur I founded. I was one of the co-founders of the Untamed Psyche podcast with Crystal Mirazi. I'm no longer a co-host of that, but I love that she's still keeping it going because the message and the mission behind it is phenomenal, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And I'm the founder of the design agency. It's staging for my real estate client, staging and styling and design for my real estate client. And I'm also a real estate agent. I love working with sellers and investors who have a home and you know I always joke that I was rescued and I want to help them rescue houses. I love that and turn them because I can see their potential. Someone saw potential in me and I had the gift to be able to uncover hidden potential in properties. I love that and I want to be able to help sellers and investors with that, with my design skills and my real estate knowledge.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. That's beautiful. It's that before and after, isn't it? It is. It's that before and after, and so you can transform something that maybe looks like it's hopeless into something that's actually truly beautiful. Girl, I feel you, I do rehabs and flips and that kind of thing You're not really talking about and it is super easy. It gets a lot of work, but it's kind of a metaphor for life. It's not going to be easy to transform your life, but it's worth it and there is going to be beauty and joy along the way. We're going to end it on that because that's beautiful. It is good to transform your life and there's beauty and joy along the way. We just have to be open to see it. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. Oh, girl, thank you so much. No, I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 2:Thank you hearing today, and you know we we may not have, like, went through the whole storyline, but we got the story. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, I just want people to know that they matter and that their voice matters, and I don't care how many people have told them through their actions or their words or the way they were treated that they don't matter. They matter. Ignore those people, just like you. Shut off the outside noise, shut off those people who don't matter and look and you're always yeah, you matter, you're a human, you matter absolutely 100, and every single person has a story. That's right, and we need to be able to share them. Yeah, and I think that would create such a sense of community for people to be able to share their stories and connect with each other that, you know, even if our trauma is different I think everybody's gone through some sort of trauma absolutely, and it is about the opposite of addiction is connection. It is we have to be connected. We are all in this together and everybody's story matters. That's right. And the opposite of depression and depression is expression. I love that. I love that.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you so much, and I know you took your time today. I know you're a busy gal and I appreciate you giving me your time this morning. I really do, and I know we'll be talking again and I'll see you soon. We will. We got to do coffee flights again. That was so fun, that was so much fun. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much, girl, and you have a great rest of your day.
Speaker 1:I am so grateful that you joined me for this week's episode of Breakfast of Choices. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, give it five stars and share it to help others find hope and encouragement. The opposite of addiction is connection, and we are all in this together. Telling your transformational story can also be an incredible form of healing, so if you would like to share it, I would love to hear it. You can also follow me on social media. I'm your host, Jo Summers, and I can't wait to bring you another story next week. Stay with me for more Transformational Thursdays.
