I Got Clean For The Beats, Stayed For The Peace

What if your first clean promise wasn’t about recovery at all—but about honoring a dream you made as a kid? Host Jo Summers sits down with rapper and recovery advocate, artist Skyler Ray Davis to trace a life that started with abandonment at nine, spiraled into homelessness, meth, and dealing on the same eight Portland blocks, and then pivoted in a prison bunk with a simple commitment: get clean for music, then build a life worth staying clean for.

Skyler opens up about the root wound that drove him—people‑pleasing born from abandonment—and how fake love from the streets felt good enough when you’re starving for belonging. He breaks down the cycle of arrests, the moment he chose no shortcuts and no “weekend” exceptions, and the mindset shift that turned sobriety into a non‑negotiable. We go deep on how vulnerability and authenticity grew his audience from a handful of streams to millions, why connection is the opposite of addiction, and how a safe partner and a microphone can each be therapy in their own lane.

We also talk craft: small, consistent goals over magical thinking, building routines that protect mental health, and redefining success beyond cars and clout. Skyler previews "Burnside"—his most personal album yet—charting the arc from addiction to recovery to pure hip‑hop, plus a new video with Colicchie and a full merch drop. If you’re rebuilding after addiction, if you’re a creative searching for your voice, or if you just need proof that discipline and heart can coexist, this conversation offers both a map and a spark.

If the story moves you, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review to help more people find this conversation. Your support helps this recovery community grow.

If you would like to book Skyler for an event- bookingskylerray@gmail.com

Social Medias:

https://www.facebook.com/therealSkylerRay/ 

https://www.youtube.com@skylerR

https://www.instagram.com/officialskylerray/

www.officialskylerray.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Sober Event And First Connections
• 5:27 Portland Roots And Music Scene
• 10:57 The Song “Fly” And Shared Mission
• 15:42 Promotion, Purpose, And Organic Growth
• 20:52 Why We Speak From The Heart
• 25:42 Skylar’s Childhood And Abandonment Wounds
• 31:32 Homelessness, Meth, And Dealing
• 37:22 Arrest Cycles And Hitting A Wall
• 42:32 The Prison Promise And Choosing Music
• 48:42 Doing It Clean And Without Shortcuts
• 53:52 Six Years Strong And Guarding Recovery
• 58:42 Announcing The Burnside Album
• 1:04:22 Craft, Vulnerability, And Finding Voice
• 1:09:42 Therapy Through Music And Safe Support

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:12

Good morning and welcome to Breakfast of Choices. Life stories a transformation from rock bottom to rock solid. I am here with my friend Skylar Ray Davis. I'm super excited to have Skylar on today. For those of you that really know me, you know that we had an event here in Yukon at the end of September. And Skyler and Kayla came out for that event. And um it was very awesome. It was an event basically to get together for people in sobriety to still be able to come out and have fun and have a good time, no pressure, just come out and have a really fun time, have some music. We had uh Adrian Dole with Life of Laughter, and we had a great time. And we had about, I think we had about close to 80 people there, which was pretty cool for a first event, right? It was at a really nice place, and I was so excited to have Skylar and Kayla come out and and do this event all the way from Portland, Oregon.

SPEAKER_01: 2:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 2:09

Hi Skylar, how are you?

SPEAKER_01: 2:11

I'm doing good. I'm doing good. And I want to say I think the event went great. Adrian was definitely funny. Me and Kayla enjoyed ourselves, like everybody was so loving. It's like almost like sets a bar of like what we want. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02: 2:25

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01: 2:26

Everybody was like so kind, right? And so it's always a beautiful, welcome thing. And you did a wonderful job because when people got there, they already knew us, like, which is big, right? Because a lot of times we'll get it, we'll get booked for events, we'll go there, and not everybody knows us. We're not, you know, famous, we're not big, big brand name, right? So when we show up, if people know us, it's like it makes us feel good. It's it's a good feeling, you know, knowing that like we worked hard and we grinded and that people know us outside of our own city. And so the fact that we showed up in Oklahoma for the first time and people were excited, and you know, I I told you this while we're there is uh normally after we do shows, like after we perform, like a lot of people come to the table and want autographs and want stuff like that because they've seen us and they're impressed with our with our show, right? Right. But this was one of the few times where a lot of people wanted our autographs before we even went on stage. I was kind of good, you know?

SPEAKER_02: 3:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 3:27

I was like, okay, you know, it only usually happens like in my city or the northwest, you know, people like always want autographs, and but it's like showing up and everybody's excited. I'm like, this is cool.

SPEAKER_00: 3:37

So you're famous in my heart. I'll take it. I love you guys, and you know, I did try to do some promoting of you, of course, right? And playing your move music and putting it on Facebook and putting your songs out there and saying, check out my voice, Guyler, and check out Kayla, and you know, put you guys out there because I think that's important, right?

SPEAKER_02: 3:58

It is.

SPEAKER_00: 3:59

You've probably heard me say this connection's the opposite of addiction. We're all in this together. So we all got to help each other out. And we're doing a sober event to show people they can still have fun and sobriety. So I think it's really important to promote each other um when we're doing something like that, especially, you know, in the city, right?

SPEAKER_02: 4:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 4:18

You come from Portland, Oregon, a little different than Oklahoma, right? A little different upbringing, a little different.

SPEAKER_01: 4:24

Yeah, it it's a little bit different. I mean, I feel like it's like every typical big city, though. You got your addiction, you got your crime, you got everything, all the chaos going on that comes with population and people living in a square footage. We create a lot of destruction.

SPEAKER_00: 4:41

Right, right. Wherever people are, these things are gonna be, right?

SPEAKER_01: 4:44

Yeah, but um, I like Portland. Um, there's lots of good food. People there are genuinely nice, I feel like. Actually, maybe not. Maybe not everybody's nice. There we're we're I don't know. I feel like people are nice to me at least, right? And so that's a good thing. No, it's a great city, it's a beautiful city. You know, I have a lot of people I'm proud of in the community that are leaders, uh, whether it be in recovery, uh, people getting into politics, things like that, um, and getting positions. I think it's really cool to watch people that I know grow up and do something with their life. So, you know, and and there's lots of music here. A lot of people want to be artists, so there's, you know, bound to be some talent here, and it's really exciting to watch it blossom and people step into their career. So And we got the Portland Trailblazers. It ain't no Thunder Up, no Oklahoma Thunder. We ain't got no STA, right? But we do got games. Don't you have some ducks too? We got ducks, we got ducks. We got the we got the Oregon ducks, it's in Eugene, but it's something that we got that's always good, and we can't really say that about no one else besides, I guess, Timbers. So I'll take it.

SPEAKER_02: 5:51

You got it, you got ducks.

SPEAKER_00: 5:53

You got your ducks in a row, yeah. So one of the songs, okay, so you and I have been talking for quite a while now, back and forth. It's it's been a minute, hot minute. You know, I was listening to your music, going through your music, and one of the songs that you had, and I know I said this at the event, but one of the songs that you had was called Fly. And that's what really caught my attention. I'm like, wait a minute, I'm supposed to see this, I'm supposed to listen to this, because I'm a I'm a everything happens for a reason person, right? So I'm like, wait, I gotta stop, I gotta check this out. And you know, my whole thing that I have been so passionate about forever is fly, first love yourself, right? And I saw that song and I was like, I gotta hear this, I gotta check this out. Like, we're like meant to do something together, you know? Um, and that's really what I went off of. I went off my gut, to be completely honest. I'm like, wait a minute, there's something here, right?

SPEAKER_02: 6:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 6:45

And just kept listening and kept watching your tours. And how many tours have you done now?

SPEAKER_01: 6:51

Uh like I said, you were kind of at like the tail end of it, um, of tour. Yeah. There's been so yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:00

But when I started kind of listening to you, you were way back in the early stages of touring. You were doing some treatment centers, you were doing um a couple different things. I had seen some pictures. I'm like, oh my gosh, how fun would that be? And so just getting to watch the progression of that has been so cool. That's been really cool. You know, watching you on some different podcasts, some different shows. Something that you are very good at.

SPEAKER_02: 7:29

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 7:30

Is promoting yourself, right? Not yourself, but promoting your music and what you're doing and what your passion is.

SPEAKER_02: 7:37

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 7:38

And I've really tried to learn from that because I'm great at promoting other people, as you saw. I am not so good at promoting myself because I don't feel like this has anything to do with me. This isn't about me whatsoever, right? And so it's really hard for me to be like, hey, check out Breakfast of Choices. This is my podcast that I do. Because I feel like it's about other people's stories, it's about life transformations. And so I really struggle with that as weird as that is. I've got about 90,000 downloads.

SPEAKER_02: 8:07

That's a lot.

SPEAKER_00: 8:08

I know. And I think I'm on like 53, 54, maybe 55 episodes right now. And so I've been I've been doing this about a year and a half, and I am the world's worst at promoting, right? And so I'll look at it sometimes and I'll be like, who are these people? Where are these people? And I'm talking like Australia and the UK and China. I'm like, this is bizarre, you know? And I've done a um a few podcasts with some people in the UK, um, some in Australia, some in a lot of different states, a lot of different places. Time zones are always crazy. I always mess that up.

SPEAKER_01: 8:39

They are always crazy.

SPEAKER_00: 8:41

Yeah, they're always crazy. But I'm like, it's it's just kind of takes on a life of its own because again, it's that connection, right? Is the connection being the opposite of addiction and people hearing something that they're like, I heard fly from you, and I'm like, oh my god, we're connected. Oh, let's go. So I think people just hear something and grab onto it, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 9:01

Absolutely. Bible come, and honestly, you know, you keep working on the product. Um, not that you don't have a great product already, but the product eventually starts to sell itself, you know, and it starts moving and starts snowballing. You know, it kind of feels like you're peeing in the wind um until you're not. You know what I'm saying? That's what that's what the crazy thing is, like you're just grinding and grinding and sweating and tears, and you know, and then eventually it's like, whoa, this is starting to catch traction. There's a little bit of smoke, it's about to burst into flames, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 9:32

Oh my gosh, so funny, so funny.

SPEAKER_01: 9:34

Yeah, so you just gotta keep that in keep that in mind. Yeah, and I and I don't even worry about it.

SPEAKER_00: 9:40

Yeah. I don't even worry about it. I don't even um somebody'll ask me sometimes. I just went on and looked today because someone asked me. I'm like, hey, that's cool. It was 75,000 last time I looked. I don't even pay attention. And so again, I I am the reason that I do this is just purely from my heart. I really don't have a reason other than that. God said, uh, you have a recovery business, you need to do a podcast with it. I was like, okay, okay, because I'm super technical.

SPEAKER_02: 10:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 10:11

And so, you know, what why not?

SPEAKER_02: 10:14

Just so you guys know, I went from two different phones onto this.

SPEAKER_01: 10:22

I don't know if it's because you're so technical or I'm so technical. It's probably because we're both not our are we both are technical. Yeah. But yeah, it took us a minute to get this going today, but we we we got it going.

SPEAKER_00: 10:33

And uh we got it. And we laughed about it because it's it's part of it, right? It's just part of the it's part of the deal. I don't get frustrated about any of it anymore. In the beginning, oh my god, you know what I mean? You're so like wound and everything has to be, and now I'm just like, whatever. It just like whatever happens, happens. Whatever we say, we say, and however it comes out, it comes out, right? Because it's I feel like when it's from the heart, it just you you whatever's supposed to come out does. I never have a script. I never have everybody's like, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna say? We're gonna hear it together. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 11:06

You know, honestly, that's the best way for me too, is um just going from the heart off the top. You know, I've done keynote speaking around the country. Um, I speak at like all my shows, most of my shows, right? Especially like the recovery-related ones. I just I just don't I try not to think about it because then I get in my head if I think about what I'm gonna say. Or I feel like I'm forcing something like, oh, I'm gonna be clever and like put this in here and that's a good segue. And then I feel like I get caught up and then I get anxiety. So I would rather just have anxiety but trust myself that I'm gonna do right. Yeah. You know, yeah. I gotta say, I've always it's always been my strong suit. Like, you did so great. Like, you know, I'm like, oh really? I just can't I just just went.

SPEAKER_00: 11:52

You know, you're like, yay, I did it. Uh what did I say? I have no idea. Whatever comes out, comes out, right? But I think it's your testimony, right? It's your lived testimony of your life. So that's obviously from the heart. It's something that we've grown from, it's something that we use to grow and thrive, not just survive. And so, how can that come out wrong, right?

SPEAKER_01: 12:13

That's what I always feel like too, and that's what I've told Kayla a few times, like, you know, are like people like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, they'll they'll bring me like some oh try to hit these talking points. And I'm like, you want me to talk about my life, right? Like, yeah, I was like, so I I'll just go, right? Because like, how am I gonna mess up my story? You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't have to remember, yeah, I don't have to remember what happened to me or anything like that. Like, yeah, I get it.

SPEAKER_00: 12:40

Like, you know, and to use someone else's talking points to talk about your own story always seemed kind of bizarre.

SPEAKER_01: 12:50

It's it's it's a little strange. Well, especially like there's times where I get it like 20 minutes before I go on, and I'm looking at it and I'm like, I I don't have a good memory. Like, I'm about to fumble the bag. You got all your donors here, you got like all your like money with people with money willing to donate, and you want me to go up and hit this, like, I'm gonna be inspiring, I'm gonna talk about recovery, I'm gonna sprinkle my life in, and I'm gonna let them know that like what you guys are doing is important in the community, and this is how you could help out, right? And so, like, I know to tie that together, that's gonna come organically. But I started looking at talking points, and I'm like, geez, everybody's like eating meals because it's like at like a big old like reception dinner and stuff, and like everybody's eating and I'm like reading. I'm like, oh, this is now I'm nervous, now I'm scared, you know? Right. I told her, I was like, Can I just come off the top? And she's like, Oh, you can if you want to. I was like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 13:43

And I realized like something I guess that we have to realize is some people need that.

SPEAKER_02: 13:48

Yes, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00: 13:49

Some people do, some people are more organized than we are.

SPEAKER_02: 13:53

I'm not, and maybe that's why it's never been a strong suit of mine. I'm like, just let me talk, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 13:58

We both obviously talk, so I think that's something else we have in common.

SPEAKER_02: 14:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 14:03

Just whatever, right? So since we are talking about recovery and we are talking about your story, yeah. I think we should do that.

SPEAKER_02: 14:10

Okay, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 14:12

So let's kind of hear about it, how it started, and you know, yeah, our beginning of you.

SPEAKER_01: 14:18

Yeah, so you know, my story really starts at like nine years old. Living with my mom and dad, I got an older brother. My mom and dad weren't really getting along much. And so my mom packed up me and my brother took us to a shelter. My mom deals with like uh bipolar, depression, all types of other like mental illnesses, right? Um depression, things like that. And so it was a lot for her to handle two boys, me and my brother were off the hook, like kids are, kids are, right? Yeah, not making excuses for her or us, things happen, obviously. Uh, you know, she left us on the corner one day. Uh it was only like two days at the shelter. She said she's gonna get some food, I'll be right back, and she never came back. And so what happened was um the staff that were working at the shelter, they ended up calling CPS, Child Protective Services. And two cops arrived. They put my brother in one cop car, me in one cop car, and then they drove us to different foster homes. Um, and you know, that's kind of I always start my story right there because I think the biggest key of how I tick in learning, you know, one of my biggest um character defects is uh are, you know, is right that plays such a key factor in my entire story. Needing to be love, wanting attention, seeking approval, a people pleaser. You know, all these different things tie into that, always feeling like I'm not enough for myself. And so all that external love that I'm seeking on the inside, I was actually broken and hurt. And so, like at a young age, I didn't even know that I was dealing with this until I got clean and did my stepwork when I first got clean and realized that these abandonment issues have literally affected every part of my life. And so that caused me to act out in school. Problem with authority, it had me wanting to be the tough guy, the jokester, the class clown. Um, I was always looking for love, whether it was relationships or friends. So I got into a lot of fights. I got in trouble. I found myself moving from school to school. Uh, about the age of 14, I moved back, get out of foster care, I go to live with my dad. He's in Portland. My dad is more of uh, we had more of a friend relationship, you know, uh, versus a role model. You know, it was a really cool thing to have, and I'm glad I have the friendship with him that I do now, that I especially as like an adult, it's really awesome. We get a chance to we have a lot in common, so we get a chance to hang out, and I really value what we have. But as a young adult, male adult who are a teenager that was going through like abandonment issues and trying to figure out who I was as a person, um, and especially somebody that like pushes buttons or pushes the boundary, he was more of a friend than a a role model or a father figure. And therefore, it was like I was allowed to drink, I was allowed to smoke, I was allowed to kind of get into what I wanted to. He would tell me not to do the hard drugs, but like everything else was kind of on the table. And if you needed booze, like I'll run to the store for you type thing, right? And so, you know, which worked because I was the rapper, and so it was like if I could drink and get high and like make music, like my life was pretty cool. That's the way I I analyzed it, right? Yeah, sure. All the all my friends came over, be recording, doing everything else. Like, it was kind of like the cool house, the fun house. At the age of 18, I found myself homeless. I found myself on the streets sleeping, sidewalks under bridges. Uh, you know, when I first went downtown, I basically at the age of 18 tried every drug in the book, but I was really only smoking, uh, smoking weed and and drinking every day. And then uh it quickly evolved into doing my drug of choice meth. Um, you know, and for some reason it just hooked me. I don't know if it was hanging out the camaraderie, hanging out with people. I don't know what it was, but I fell in love with it. And that's just what I wanted every single day since then. And I remember it's like getting eye on meth, right? Like I said, I've tried it a few times, my brother, before, but this time when I was doing it with my friends, after that moment, I remember I didn't smoke weed for like five or six years. I didn't want to drink afterwards. Like all I wanted was the chemicals that were under the sink, right?

SPEAKER_00: 18:33

Yeah, same. I was same for me. I get it, I get it. It's so like feeling, right? That feeling that you got that very first time that you chased forever. All of those things that you wanted, like you wanted to be more confident, you wanted that look, it just you're like Superman, right? And so all of those things that you were seeking, you found them that day, right? Absolutely. And then and then you go and seek of them every day thereafter, and it's not quite the same.

SPEAKER_01: 18:59

Yeah, you're you're busy chasing it. And the crazy thing is, I remember someone approached me and was like, hey, would you like to sell some dope? Dope, mean and meth, right? Um, at least for me, that's what it means. But I was like, yeah, this makes sense because for one, I can get high in my own supply. Like I'm moving up upper echelons and addiction. I don't have to beg, I don't have to steal, I don't have to be bummy and try to hang out with somebody I don't like, just hoping that they'll pass the load me something up, right? Um, you know. But now, so I get high on my own supply, and because we're creatures of habit in our addiction, we only hang out with people that use the same drugs as us, sells the same drugs as us, because we want what's easy for us and we go where we're comfortable, right? If it doesn't make sense or doesn't feed the higher addiction that we're looking for, we're probably not hanging out with people on a frequent basis. And so, like, everybody I hang out with now, my my friend circle has evolved, so therefore everybody is a customer. Um, and so I was like, yeah, this makes sense. And it just led me down a path, and I didn't know it at the time. Like, I knew the love was fake. I knew like not all the love, but like 99.9% of the love was fake, right? Um, all the guys wanted to hang out with you, all the girls wanted to flirt with you because you're the dope man. Um, you know, but the thing with that is like I didn't know until I started doing got clean at, you know, first started doing the step work, is that it was filling that void, that emptiness, those abandonment issues. I didn't care that the love was fake. It felt good to be love and be in demand. And then me and my competitive nature, I had to be, how can I scale this? How can I be the biggest dope man around? How can I do this? And so it just led me. Yeah, it led me into a whirlwind of arrest. Um, I probably spent about five years incarcerated, totaled through all my entire arrest. Um, you know, I've probably been arrested about 20 different times. Uh, and it's crazy because, like I said, we're creatures of habit. All my arrests, besides my very first one, is within like a eight to ten block radius and within a couple blocks on Burnside or off Burnside, right? And so like everything evolves around that neighborhood. I was just like a revolving trapdoor spider and released and released, you know. And anybody who's been through addiction, you know, unless you know you're able to feed your addiction and never really leave the house or get on paper or anything like that, this is probably familiar with a lot of people. Like you're just constantly getting picked up. And sometimes it would feel like I would only last as long as it took for the warrant to go out. I would go ahead, I remember one time I did like six months, got out for three days, went and did nine months, got out for six days, went back and did another nine months. And I remember for sure one of those times, if not both of those times, I know this has happened more times than often. I remember being in my jail cell for the day. I would get released, Davis roll up, I'd roll up all my stuff, I'd go out there, I'd sign my stuff. Uh, I went to check in with my probation officer because I would get high before I made it the four blocks down the street to check in. And the very next time that I felt went to go to bed was back in the jail cell, right?

SPEAKER_02: 22:07

Because I'd get arrested before I fell out. And so it would be crazy because it's like, damn, I'm like, I'm back in jail.

SPEAKER_01: 22:15

I didn't even go to bed yet. So that's kind of like my story with addiction until I finally broke free from it and decided to make that that commitment to myself. And that is when the change started happening in prison. Got out and just been on a roll ever since and refused to break that promise I made to myself sitting on that prison bunk.

SPEAKER_00: 22:33

So what happened? What happened when you were sitting there the last time? And you're, you know, like we do when we're sitting in prison, right? We're asking all for all the prayers and all the foxhole prayers. And if you just let me out this one time, I'm gonna do it this time, right? I I'm gonna do it. What happened for you? Like, where was that moment for you that you were just like, this is not how I want to live my life?

SPEAKER_01: 22:58

Yeah, um, I was at my last prison. Um, and I say that because I've only been to prison once, but you get transferred a few different times. And I say my last prison because when I was like six months to the gate, they transferred me to the prison that was in my hometown. So they kind of prepped before release type thing. And I remember sitting on my bunk at this point. I've been in almost two years, and I remember sitting there and I was asking myself, you know, I was I realized I was my my release date was November 30th, 2018. Uh, and my 28th birthday was November 28th, 2018. So I was getting out two days after my birthday, which is funny because when I was in there, somebody's like, it's your birthday. And I was like, Yeah, I don't care. I get out in two days. That's the day I want, right? My birthday means nothing, you know?

SPEAKER_02: 23:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 23:45

But I remember sitting there and I remember asking myself, you know, what do I want to do with my life? And it's an internal conversation, right? And I'm talking to myself, no one's around, so there's no need to lie, to try to earn brownie points or look cool or show off. I was having a real tough conversation with myself, trying to analyze my life and try to play the tape forward. Like, how is this gonna play out? What are my goals and what steps am I willing to commit to to reach that destination or finish line? And so I remember asking myself, what do I want to do with my life? And almost before I could even get done asking myself that question, music was the obvious answer. I've been doing music since 11 years old, wanting to do music since nine. It's always been my dreams, right? So I owe it to that little boy, that nine-year-old boy, before addiction happened, before he got left on the corner, before all the mess and all the everything happened. I owe him an honest shot. And so I started thinking, what's something I I've never done with my music? Like, there's gotta be something. Because at this point, I'm 27 years old, been making music since 11. Of course, not every single year, because I spent some time in addiction and homeless and stuff like that. So, but 16 years at that point, right? Been doing music. And I was like, I have like 40,000 streams total in 16 years. Like, nobody cares. It doesn't matter, right? It's basically like just making it to be like a hobby at this point, even though I never treated it like that and I gave it my all, but that's what it would be looked at. There's no like accolades, there's no like real traction. And I was like, I have to do something different because what I'm doing, if that's my ultimate dream, right? Then I have to do something different. So, what's something I've never done before? And I started thinking about it.

SPEAKER_02: 25:29

I have never done music clean, I've always been on substances, right?

SPEAKER_01: 25:35

And so, like when I first decided to get clean, it wasn't to be get clean, to be in recovery. I thought it was corny, I thought it was cliche, I didn't want to talk about my feelings with people, I didn't want to hang out with people, I didn't want to, you know what I'm saying? That commodity came with it. Like, I'm such a hermit. I like to stay at the house and not be bugged. Like me, I'm on my phone all day, and that's that's a lot of energy, and that's what I give to the world, right? Yeah, yeah. But so I started thinking to myself, okay, I gotta do this for real. And what I mean for real is, you know, no cutting corners, no shortcuts, you know, because I know I can't just use on the weekends or just use because I'm out, I'm out of the country and no one knows me. Shoot, I can have a drink. No, no, no, I'm an alcoholic. You know what I'm saying? I'm I'm I'm a drug addict. Like, I'm everything. I'm an addict. That's what I am. I abuse everything. I don't drink for the flavor or buzz or feel good. I drink the blackout and I get as high as I can. Like, that's me. I try to max out, you know? And so I started asking myself, like, okay, so I gotta do this for real. It can't be like weekend warriors, no cutting corners. I gotta have accountability. I can't be doing this getting clean or staying off drugs, right? Because I gotta be honest with myself. I I know what I'm capable of. And so, like, if I'm gonna really do this, I have to commit to myself because of my love of music. And for that nine-year-old boy's dreams, it's not to please my parole officers, it's not to make my friends happy. Don't get me wrong, those are bonus points on the side that feel good to achieve, right? But the ultimate goal was doing this for myself. And so I decided to make that commitment, right? So looking back at it, I got clean because of music. Nowadays, I stay clean because the life that recovery has provided for me, I refuse to give up on. I refuse to budge. I don't want to bargain with anything. And that's the cool thing about recovery. It's not like when you're a drug dealer, you got all types of cool goodies and cool stuff, right? But as soon as you go to jail, somebody's got your girlfriend, somebody's got your significant other, someone's got all your stuff. And when you get out, you start again. Well, in today's recovery, I'm allowed to have you know confidence that you know I'm gonna have these things tomorrow. And so there's so many joys and beautiful things that come with recovery that I'm like, this is the only option. It's beyond music now. But music is what got me in the door. And that's why, if like you ever see my logo, it's a microphone with wings. And not my Wheedy Recover logo, but my personal logo, uh, because music is my guardian angel. It gave me a shot at light and it gave me a shot at recovery without me even knowing it. And that's why I always tell people when getting clean, whatever the motivation is, eventually you got to do it for yourself if you want it to be sustainable. But whatever it takes to get you in the door, you take it and you run with it while you're feeling the urge. Because we all know people say they want to get clean, and if you don't grab them or help them out that moment, the next day they're like, I'm good, bro. I'm good. You know, I'm sitting on my prison bunk, and I start thinking to myself, okay, what are the results gonna be? So let's say I get out, I stay clean for music, right? That's where I'm at this point, not for recovery, but for music to reach my dreams. If I get out, there's either gonna be two, one of two ways it's gonna end. One, all my dreams are gonna come true. Everything that I ever wanted or feel like I deserve is gonna happen, you know, and it's gonna be so worth it. Or two, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna give it my all, and I'm gonna fail. Right? Either you're gonna make it or you're gonna fail, right? And here's the thing with that is, you know, I asked myself, if I'm okay, am I okay if I fail? Right? Because that that's honestly that's reality. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't have what it takes to make it a lot of things. And I started asking myself, well, if I fail, it's not gonna be because I cut corners or shortcuts, I'm gonna be clean. But if I fail, it's gonna be because maybe I don't have what it takes to make it in this industry. You know, and I started asking myself, you know, I think I'm I'm okay with that. You know what? I am okay with that because the simple fact that it's closure. I don't have to grow older wondering, living with regret, wondering, oh, I could have done it if I wanted to, I should have applied myself more. It's like, no, no, no. I went out there, I gave it my best, it didn't work out. You know what I'm saying? But that's okay. And so, you know, that was really when I doubled down on that commitment was no matter what the results are, music's what I love, and I'm willing to do the make the sacrifices I need to try to chase these dreams. You know, when you're looking at your Libra scale, I love drugs, right? So that's a heavy scale, but music has always been there, and that's my first love. So I need to be loyal to those dreams, and I just been on a run ever since. I'll be celebrating right now. I got over six years. I'll be celebrating six years of recovery on December 6th of this year. Wow, that's awesome. I'm excited about. I've never done anything consistent in my life.

SPEAKER_00: 30:38

Six years is good. I mean, that's a good, good role, right?

SPEAKER_01: 30:42

It's hard. It's hard.

SPEAKER_00: 30:44

You're past that five year point, right? And everybody, you know, that five year point is significant in recovery. Two year two year point, five year point, like there's some significance in recovery, right? That people just start, oh, I'm doing good, I'm doing great. I don't need to work at it anymore. I'm good. I can just go on about my life. And that's not really the case. You kinda gotta stay you gotta keep your head on straight, right? You gotta make good choices always.

SPEAKER_01: 31:08

I mean, it's probably the only thing that I've done consistently. Uh And it's the only thing I've done consistently in my life for this amount of time. You know, even music, like I'm not consistently making music every single day. There's sometimes a week or two I've had months pass by. You know what I'm saying? That life's just been too busy or chaotic. But one thing I have done is stayed clean every single day in every moment for the last six, almost seven years. And so like that that's a huge achievement, especially like when you love something so much. And that's why it's like I know I can't just have just one because I love drugs. I know the end result, and I don't want that. And that's why it's like I gotta be smart. You can't have everything you want.

SPEAKER_00: 31:54

Yeah. No, I mean it's it's to stay consistent, you gotta stay clean. That's just facts, right? That's just facts. Too many days go by and you're like, what day is it? What what's going what's happening? And then there's a year, right? And you're like, oh damn, right? Like another year just went by and I'm still doing what I was doing. So yeah, that's that's pretty amazing. So tell me what's what's coming on your s on your uh sixth year, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_01: 32:23

So what we are doing, so I'm celebrating seven years coming up of clean time. And what we're gonna do is I'm gonna be releasing uh an out. So I'm I'm a music artist, so like I have I make music, I release music. Uh but on December 6th, uh, what I'll be doing is celebrate my seven years, but also having a listening party for my new brand new album. It's gonna be going down at Gresham 4D in the Portland area. And what we're gonna be doing is to not only celebrate my recovery, but this album that I'm gonna get ready to release is called Burnside. It's been the last three, four years of work compiled into one, my favorite songs compiled into one that I've done the last three or four years. And when I first got clean, I did like six albums in like two years. And then I was like, I'm gonna work on Burnside, it's gonna be amazing, it's gonna be like theme, because like I said, Burnside is like where I stayed on downtown, right? And so I had this big old crazy project, and it meant so much to me that I never put it out. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm working on it, working on it. And then eventually you gotta be real with yourself. It's like, are you are you just like, is that your excuse that you're not putting it out? Right? And I started looking at my songs, and so this has, I believe, 26 tracks on it. Um, and the reason for that is because I had so many songs and so many things I was looking at, and as I'm peeling away songs, like, no, not this song, not this song. I got down to 26 songs and I was like, I kind of want all these on there, right? So that is kind of what we did there, and I'm really, really excited for it. It takes you through like a whole journey. I went all in on skits, everything like that. There's some pretty cool music on there, all types of features. Uh, it takes you through like a journey of you know, of like recovery. Like, I I have like the addiction part of it, and then like in my addiction, right? Like, I'm not in my addiction, but the whole there's songs that are like I'm in my addiction and like chaos and stuff. And then like it takes you to like the whole like inspiring recovery part. And then it's funny because I got like this little warning that comes on, like 18 tracks in, uh 19 tracks in, basically letting everybody know, like, all right, like you know, the stuff that I'm known for, like, if that's what you're looking for, rewind the album because what I'm about to get into is like me just like actual rapping, like the art of hip hop. So, you know, basically the kids, I got some friends hopping on with some filthy mouths. I'm kind of a little wild myself. Um, you know, so it shows all sides of me, right? I grew up, I grew up on MM, so you know I like to talk to get a little wild on track.

SPEAKER_00: 35:07

Yeah, that's that's awesome. You know, that's cool. I know when you guys were here, I don't know how many times I apologize for my mouth. Um, because it's you know, I I try. I try, I really try, and I've I've I think I'm doing better.

SPEAKER_02: 35:23

Um you did great.

SPEAKER_00: 35:26

I did I did pretty good, right? You did a lot of and I don't want to have to sit around and think about what I'm gonna say next, like what's gonna come out of my mouth because it gives me such anxiety. And so sometimes I just say things, right? And I'm like, Dope, stop it, you know. So I I totally get that. It like shows all sides of you, and I think that's super important.

SPEAKER_01: 35:48

I'm stoked because also like it took me a long time. I don't even feel like to the last like two years that like music of mine I could listen to or play for people and not be embarrassed. It took me that long to like finally like work on my craft and like be like, oh, this is a great song. Let me show people and I could be like, hey, is that a great song? Or I got something cool for you, and be like excited for my product. Before it'd be like, I'm just embarrassed, or I hear people even today, like I hear people playing anything more than a couple of years, I kind of cringe most of the time. Like, oh, I mean, there's some songs that I still like, but like there's songs I'm like, oh geez. Yeah, or like my dad, he likes to invite people over and open up like albums or like mixtapes that I made when I was like 14, 15. Uh hanging off friends and like playing it, and it is not good. It is the most inappropriate, offbeat, non-rhythmatical, right? It is just straight like you only love it because it's your son. Yeah, you know, type thing. But I'm like, yo, he's like, oh, I had like I had like five friends over the other day who were jamming to your tune. So like, oh, what'd you pull up? He's like, Oh, I just played this. And I was like, Pops. I've told you at least 20 times, like, do not play those songs. And he's like, Well, how am I gonna play the new stuff? I'm like, the internet, the internet, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 37:09

Yeah, he doesn't get it.

SPEAKER_02: 37:11

He doesn't get it.

SPEAKER_00: 37:12

I was like, He doesn't get it, so you're gonna have to give him like all your friends think I suck. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01: 37:18

Like, there's no way they really listen that I'm like, Oh, your boy's skilled, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 37:23

That's great. That's what he has, so he pulls it out. That's so cute.

SPEAKER_01: 37:27

Yes, he has so much. Oh, I used to write I mean, by the time I was 18, I probably had over a thousand songs. Oh, that's amazing. So I was always releasing mixtapes, you know, buy a stack of blank CDs um over at the sport and goods store, whatever, the blanket CDs that I'd walk through like the schools trying to sell them for a dollar, most of the time I'd end up giving them away. Uh just because I wanted people to listen, right? Yeah. So it's like I've done so much music, and that's why honestly it is such a blessing to be where I'm at and for things to finally start working out for me. Uh just because I would do music for free for the rest of my life. It's who I am, it's how I express myself. And when I don't know how to really get down to my feelings, like I could tell my story, but it's hard for me to like process like what's happening in real time and be able to speak about it because I'm uncomfortable. And you know, and it's hard being vulnerable, you know? And so like music is a way for me to cry, to vent, to talk my mess that I usually wouldn't talk, right? Especially when it's like someone's face because I'm Mr. Little Professional, Little Skylar Ray, you know. Uh so I like to get up on songs sometimes and kind of just be myself. It's like a it's just unfiltered expression. And that doesn't always mean it has to be inappropriate or cuss words, but it's just me, my raw feelings, and it's it's a place where I can do it where I don't feel where I feel safe.

SPEAKER_00: 38:55

It's like you've given yourself permission to be yourself. And that's really cool because you know, one of the things I was gonna ask you was, you know, you went through a lot when you were young, and those things stay with you, right? Those are ingrained inside you issues, right? That you have to work on at some point. Otherwise, you bleed that into the next person, the next relationship, then you know what I mean? And I'm sure you've done your share of that, right? And over time, you've obviously worked through some things. Have you worked through those things with anybody, with therapy, with step work, or with your music?

SPEAKER_01: 39:31

So I've done step work once. I did it in treatment. I rushed through the steps. I knew how to please my counselor, and I rushed through them. So I don't think I did them adequately. I was able to pull some pinpoints, like the abandonment issues and things like that, and work on it internally. So I can't say step work, and I haven't done them since, but like you know, music is definitely my therapy. I've never really had a therapist. Um but I would say my significant other, Kayla. Um, because I'm allowed to say how I really feel. You know what I'm saying? Because like behind closed doors, me and her, like, I could like say how I feel, like F this, like I think they're screwing me. Just kind of want to punch him in the face. You don't really want to punch him, but that's how you feel.

SPEAKER_02: 40:17

You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01: 40:18

Like, who needs me, you know? Um, so I'm allowed to go through like anger, sadness, or frustration with her. Um, and she's really good at, you know, sometimes she'll make me laugh because like she'll walk me like she'll listen and walk me down it. And then I realize at the end of the path she's walked me down that I'm kind of just being really silly.

SPEAKER_02: 40:43

Arnold, I've kind of I started it.

SPEAKER_01: 40:46

You know, it's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. I I did kind of start it. Oh, I see why they're moving that way. Okay, okay. This makes sense.

SPEAKER_00: 40:53

You know though. That's great that you have someone you feel safe with because that I'm pro that was a long time there.

SPEAKER_01: 41:00

That you know, it's me being entitled. I realize that sometimes it's me thinking that people owe me. You know, or me sometimes thinking that, you know, I'm better than something or a situation, or not realizing that this is something that like people have to go through. And like this just happens, and like the only way through is through, you know? Yeah. So there's a lot of good end results that happen. You know, I'm not always able to work it through with Kayla. Sometimes she gives me advice, and sometimes I go wild card, you know, or wing it, and just okay, okay, okay, because I'm tired of like Karen, like my my fault, you know? Yeah, yeah. But she's somebody I could 100% unfilter, express how I'm feeling, even if I'm being absolutely ridiculous. Um, I have her, and I know there's like no judgment. And so that is such a huge thing to me for my mental health, my recovery. Um, because I'm allowed to get a lot of stuff off my chest and just be off the hook. And then I'm able to analyze it from a bird's eye view, come back and be a professional adult in a situation. Yeah. Okay. Yes, ma'am, I understand. Okay, no worries. Thank you, anyways. You know, and then move on.

SPEAKER_00: 42:22

That's awesome though, because everybody doesn't have that, right? That person that they feel safe, that they can just say whatever it is, um, get it off their chest, and then move on, right? A lot of times we just stuff it, stuff it, stuff it, and that's how we end up in a bad situation because we have stuff that we've stuffed and now we got to do something with it, right? Um, so we keep stuffing it, keep masking it, keep stuffing it, and that's where we get in trouble. So it's good that you have that and you're able to just get it all out and let it go.

SPEAKER_01: 42:52

I feel like it's so good for my recovery, I'm telling you. Like, I have Kayla like in real-time situations, you know, and and like I said, like stuff that I don't want the world to know that I'm thinking or saying, like I'm allowed to express with her and come up with a better situation on how to handle it, but also evaluate my flaws. And then I have music as my therapy. If I have something that I want the world to hear, or I'm not afraid of them hearing, but it might be a little wild, like it's going into my music.

SPEAKER_02: 43:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 43:22

But it is, and I feel so much better getting it off my chest and being vulnerable and expressing my feelings. And, you know, music has played such a pivotal role in my journey and where I'm at. And, you know, I think it's so beautiful that like I'm able to chase my dreams and also be able to help people through my music and be able to give back and work with the recovery community. I would have never guessed it as a nine-year-old boy. I wanted to be exactly like Eminem and do everything that he did. And now it's like I could still pull great aspects from him, but make it my own and go on my own journey.

SPEAKER_00: 44:01

Yeah. Well, you found yourself. You found your own voice. You found yourself. You you had a role model and an idol, so to speak, but you found yourself in there. Yeah. Um, and that's what changes it, right? That's what changes the game when you find yourself and you're being authentic and you're being real and you're being raw and you're being vulnerable. That's when the game changes.

SPEAKER_01: 44:19

I really when I started when I started speaking my feelings about what I was going through or what I've been through versus what I thought I wanted the world to portray me as. Yeah, that is when the 44,000 plays and and 17 years turned into tens of millions of streams, yeah, traveling the world, rocking arenas, you know, doing all types of cool stuff with my career really took shape because once I was able to be authentic and be myself, that's when I was able to find my target audience. And that is the magic and power of connection, is that you know, when people start like, oh, that's cool, and you're like, You think that's cool, that's that's me, that's my real feelings, that's my story. You know, then that's when you become empowered and that fire starts to roar a little bit.

SPEAKER_00: 45:03

So You found you found your tribe, but really they found you. Do you know what I mean? You just started being you and your tribe came, right? And I think that's something that's so important because we spend a lot of time, especially young adults, thinking what what we should say, or what people want to hear from us, or what we need to sound like, or who we need to be, instead of just being who we are.

SPEAKER_02: 45:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 45:26

And I I think we all go through that, right? It's that sense of belonging, needing validation, all those things. We all, the real truth of it is we all just want to be connected, right? We all just want to fit in, we all just want to belong. That's the truth of it. We just go about it in some crazy ass ways over the years.

SPEAKER_01: 45:44

We are wild as humans, our brains are so insecure. Um, and we do the most off-the-hook stuff, most backward things that never really works out for us. Uh, but we're thinking we got to do this maniac cockadoodle idea to uh get people to love us. And it's like the best thing we can do is offer is yourself because no one can do you better than you can do yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 46:07

Right. You know, yours was abandonment, and mine was looking for love in all the wrong places. In a sense, it's the same. You know what I mean? We're all just trying to find our people, our niche, our belonging, our love, just you know, and and crazy things that we do and think it's love when in reality it has nothing to do with love. So because we haven't loved ourselves yet.

SPEAKER_01: 46:30

And once we start loving ourselves, I'm gonna say that is you know, the whole time, you know, I was searching for love or to be accepted or wanting to be popular or appreciated, you know, the most important person I I needed to seek that love from is myself. And once that acceptance happened and being enough for myself, you know, the rest came. And so I, you know, like it's the same thing as you looking for love in all the wrong places. I should have been loving myself.

SPEAKER_00: 46:55

Absolutely. For example, you know, I didn't know how to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 47:00

And you know, when you're wearing a mask all the time trying to fit in, you don't know who that person is to love. Because how you're you're a chameleon, you're changing up, you're doing this, and so it's like, how do you love somebody who's fake all the time?

SPEAKER_00: 47:13

Because you don't know yourself yet. You know what I mean? You haven't allowed yourself to be yourself, to learn yourself to love yourself, right? So you got to learn yourself to love yourself. And you know, you met my son, he's 14. This is like topic of conversation all the time. He's a little shy, yeah, he's got some social anxiety, and really he's just learning how to love himself. He's just learning that he's okay just the way he is. He doesn't have to be something for someone else or you know, just be you, dude. That's like our topic of conversation all the time. Well, should I wear this? Should I wear that? What do you want to wear? How do you feel comfortable? And then it kind of clicks, you know what I mean? Oh, I like this, wear that. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01: 47:54

Do that. And it always choices end up being a lot better a lot of the time. Not only because, like, for example, like even like something as simple as clothing, it may not like there might have been better choices, but the fact that that's what you wanted and that's what you're most comfortable with, that's where the confidence comes from and allows you to evolve into the person you want to be. And so it's like small steps. I think a lot of people, you know, that mindset and adapting that type of behavior and beliefs in yourself I think plays such a huge, you know, crucial role into getting to where you want to be in life or becoming the person that you want to be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 48:32

Yeah. You know, I had a boss say to me one time, he said, you just want people to like you. And I really had to think about that because I didn't feel like that was true. And finally I came back and said, No, that's not exactly what it is. I don't want to disappoint people. And so I had to like, yeah, I had to really look at that. What is my issue with disappointing people?

SPEAKER_02: 48:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 48:55

People that don't even care about me. Like they disappoint me in a heartbeat, you know what I mean? So it's like, what is my thing with that? Do I want to be liked? No, I don't really care about that. I don't really want to disappoint. So, like, if I tell someone I'm gonna do something, I want to be the person that does that, right? So there's there's been a big learning curve with that. Those are all our yeah, code little codependency there.

SPEAKER_01: 49:19

It is, it is. I find myself, you know, even today, and that's funny why you said that, because I find myself uncomfortable and in like a weird funk because like people disappoint me with their actions or like don't follow through with something, or they made something seem like it was, but it wasn't. And so like I'm disappointed by their actions, but I'm in a funk because I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong.

SPEAKER_02: 49:45

And it's like I didn't even do anything wrong.

SPEAKER_01: 49:47

I I delivered 100% and more. And dude's just a weird weirdo, you know. So why am I disappointed? And then I started thinking about something else, and I was like, Yeah, they disappointed me too. And I started thinking about like five or six disappointments this year, like things that were supposed to happen. And I started thinking, like, what did I do wrong? And I was like, I didn't do anything wrong. But you know, like you said, why disappoint when they would disappoint you in a second? But it's like I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me because all these people just were just blames are done to fall through.

SPEAKER_00: 50:23

And really, what it is is what we're allowing, right? It's what we're allowing because we want something, right? We we don't want to disappoint. So we're allowing certain things to happen. And I'm a lot older than you, and this is something that even just up until a few years ago, um, I've really had to take a look at what's my issue with that disappointment, you know what I mean? And it comes, it stems way back from childhood. My dad, it comes back from not always looking for love and not having to show, not wanting someone to be disappointed in you.

SPEAKER_02: 50:57

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 50:58

Right? And so it kind of it goes way back, but it's just something I've had to work through. I think it's crazy, crazy.

SPEAKER_01: 51:05

I think a lot of things in our childhood shape the way we grow up, our beliefs. Um hundred percent and and and you may think like nothing was like really like trauma or like severe, but like the smallest situations, you know, especially with like our loved ones or like our parents or somebody who is important to us in our life, uh-huh can really like our beliefs, and that's why I always it's so important, like kids, like at the growing stages to instill like that confidence, tell them to chase their dreams, believe in yourself, be who you wanna be, like you know, and treat teach them respect, but also like you don't have to tolerate a situation if people don't respect you, it's okay to walk away, it's okay to you know, things like that, because like I feel like those are such core factors which will we could benefit from if we want to be successful, if we want to be happy. And like to me, success isn't you know, sure, it could be measured by like money or you know, material items, like that is could always, I guess, be an increment of success. But to me personally, success is like mental health, happiness, your actual health. You know, we can't always control our health, and you know, there's always the argument we can't always control our mental health, you know. But, you know, as long as like you're happy and like mentally okay and like you're doing better each day, not saying that you won't have any stepbacks or any like relapses, not like relapse like drug, but relapse and behavior or anything like that, right? Um but you know, to me that is success. You know, do you love yourself? Are you happy? Are you okay with your situation? And you're successful.

SPEAKER_00: 52:45

You know what's so funny about that society. When's the when's the last time someone came up to you and said, Hey Skylar, are you happy? Do you love yourself? No, we go, what do you do for a living? What do you do? Where do you live? What do you drive, dude? Right? Crazy, right? Right? And so we have to look at that as people too. Like, what are we asking people? What do we value in another person? Um, and that's something I'm trying to teach my son. He's at you know that 14, rough age, right? For a boy. Trying to teach him that it doesn't matter what the guy drives. Yeah. Is he a piece of shit?

SPEAKER_02: 53:18

Yeah, or you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00: 53:20

Like, what what's his who is he? Like, is it someone you want to hang out with, or does he just have a cool car? You know what I mean? Because anybody can get a cool car.

SPEAKER_02: 53:29

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 53:30

Right. And so that's like that's the core stuff of what we go through. You do music, I do this really weird thing. I create lesson plans.

SPEAKER_02: 53:37

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 53:39

That's what I do. Um, when I've got something going on in my head, and like the last one I just did was the behavior code.

SPEAKER_02: 53:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 53:46

Behavior, like what kind of behavior do you want to show the world? What what's your behavior, right? Um, and that was the last one I just did. So I guess that's kind of my music, right? Is lesson plans. I have this big old tub of them. There's like because we can in there. Um, and that's kind of my music. That's my outlet. It's a weird thing that I do.

SPEAKER_01: 54:04

I don't share that with very many people, but everybody, you know, but it's good that you have that because I'm sure it helps. I mean, and that's why I always tell people is like getting clean, you gotta figure out what drives you, what gets you out of bed, what motivates you. Who are you as a human, what makes you tick, right? Because things are to get hard, and when they get hard, it's gonna get hard even quicker, right? And when when things hit the fan, things hit the fan. And it's like you gotta have enough inspiration and motivation and be enough for yourself to be able to push through on those dark days. You have to be your own light, and that's why it's like you can't always just like keep stuff around or people around that's gonna be that light, because you will find a situation when you're alone in the dark. So, like, especially and you yeah, especially like in recovery, you have to be that beacon. You know, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be no knight in shining armor, but you have to be able to learn how to bring an umbrella on those rainy days.

SPEAKER_00: 54:58

For sure. And you have to be your own, your own center. You know what I mean? You have to be able to bring yourself back to center. You can't rely on someone else to do that for you. I agree. Because we're all gonna have hard days, we're all gonna have hard times. And if we're if it's this one person that we're looking at for our happiness, that's a that's a lot to put on somebody, right?

SPEAKER_01: 55:16

What happens what happens if they're not around? Exactly. Uh an unfortunate pass away or a breakup, or you know, like who knows what it is. Maybe they moved away, maybe they, you know, and so that's why I feel like I got clean to live my best life. Like I could I can stay in my addiction and and and live mediocrity. You know what I'm saying? Probably butchered that word, but you know what I'm talking about. Like, if I just wanted to be like an average Joe and like just get by in life, like, you know, I could just be in my addiction. No, I got clean to give myself my best chance at life, whatever that looks like, to live a better life. That is literally why we get clean because we say, hey, we're tired of this life. I want something better.

unknown: 56:01

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 56:01

Okay, well, what does that better look like? Some people it's just having a family, that's what they want. Some people it's, you know, a career. Some people it's, you know, things and and like whatever motivates you, whatever makes you feel like you're enough in this life, like chase it relentlessly.

SPEAKER_00: 56:17

Yeah, I feel that. Figuring out, you know, finding your purpose.

SPEAKER_02: 56:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 56:22

What what is it? What is it that I love? And and I've I've heard a lot of people, and I was one of those people, I remember when I was asked, I was probably 19, what are your hobbies? I was in prison, right? What are your hobbies? I'm like, seriously. Yeah. Yes. Men and motorcycles. Those are my hobbies. And that, but that really hit me. That really hit a chord with me because I didn't have any hob, I don't even didn't even know myself. I didn't even I was chasing um whatever that was. I've love. I'm chasing looking for love in all the wrong places, right? I I was the one that had the big bag, you know what I mean? That was able to to do all that. I didn't even know who I was. I was just a kid. I was literally just a very young girl when I started using math. And so I just skipped all that. You know, I skipped all that high school experience. I skipped the junior high experience. I skipped it all.

SPEAKER_01: 57:16

Never went to no prom.

SPEAKER_00: 57:17

Never went to no, no, none of that. I've never been no, I didn't even really date. Like, like the dating experience where someone comes to your house and picks you up and meets your parents and a little, yeah. No, never had any of that. And so it just was kind of a weird transition when someone said, What do you what are your hobbies? And I'm like, that's it. And so it it like I went into like a funk over that because I was like, were they trying to embarrass me? No, they were trying to figure out where do we go from here, right? Where I was in this program called the Empowerment Program, and that was the question that that hit me that I was like, Wow, I have no idea. I don't even know who I am, I don't know what I like to do. Um, you know, uh none of it. I did I would like country music because he liked country music. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, because that's how I was trained to be from a very young age. I was trained to do what I was told to do. Yeah, I don't, I'm not so good at that anymore.

SPEAKER_01: 58:16

Well, that's these are all super important things, and that's why it's like, you know, I went, you know, a lot of people like I don't do sponsors, I don't have a sponsor, I don't sponsor people. Yes, I'm coming up on six years clean of everything, you know, no cheats, no fronts, real hard work, internal recovery on myself, right? And I always tell people, like, you know, I don't do meetings, I don't do step works. I recommend it because it works for most of the population, right? But if you're anything like me, which a lot of people are, you know, recovery isn't one size fits all. A lot of my music and message is about recovery because that's the life I truly live today. And every day I go through life with recovery. So that's where like my message and everything comes from, my lyrics. And so, you know, that's where it always stems back to. But I always try to, you know, challenge the inner thinking, critical thinking, and try to inspire people when I'm out and about, and especially like at shows or these events. You know, I'm very open about what I do. You know, I don't believe in fibbing. I'll tell you what I recommend. But like the whole time, like my thing is trying to get you to do inner thinking and deeper thinking on a grand scale. Like, who am I? What do I want in life? Like, what were my dreams before addiction came in? Before society told me that my dreams weren't reality. What were those dreams? Because we weren't six-year-old kids, like, you know, I know, I know there's cases out there, but you know, there's six-year-old kids out there that have like dreams that want to be like astronauts and like rock stars and doctors and police officers, you know, there's little 10-year-old gamers that just want to game, and you know, their parents are yelling at them, go outside and make friends, but all they want to do is game or like want to rock climb, or you know, it's like those are things that we loved that the world couldn't stare us away from. And then addiction came in, and then we've been drinking and drugging for so long that when you got asked that question, what are your hobbies? Meth, motorcycling men, like you didn't know, like, you know, you had to figure out obviously what there was on a much deeper level. And that's why I try to tell people like you gotta chase your dreams, even if they seem unrealistic. Like, if that's what you want to do, like you should do it. Because, you know, at the end of the day, you know, we do have one life, we did get clean, and you know, our chances are so much better accomplishing these dreams when we're off substances. And so, like, this might be your best chance in your life. And honestly, you tell a lot of people like, oh, I'm too old, like, you know, maybe if I start around as younger, and I'd try to remind them you will never be this young again in your life. Yeah, no, ten minutes from now, you're about to be even older. So if you have any inspiration to do these things, this is the youngest point in your life where you could actually do like make the difference.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:00

Yeah, time is gonna go by regardless, right? Next year, if you're if we're still alive, lucky enough to be alive, next year is gonna be here anyway. Yeah, why not do something to better ourselves in the next year, right? It's coming anyway.

SPEAKER_01: 1:01:11

I think a lot Of people are guilt, guilt, embarrassment, afraid of judgment, feel silly because they feel like they're old, or because they might not feel like they have the talent or skill set, even though that's their passion. And you know, I hear a lot of times like people in their 30s or 40s, you know, or even 50s, like, you know, oh yeah, right. Because they're thinking like there's some little young buck that's four times as more talented as them. Like, how am I gonna do it? Little Johnny's like 18 and he's I would have to put in 50 years before I could even get as good as him. And it's like, I hear that some people are naturally talented, but like you have to start somewhere, and like people undervalue consistency or small goals. A lot of people have massive plans and they know what the end goal is, but they don't know how to get there, and they think that something crazy's gotta happen, something magic. Like, you know, I gotta walk down the street and find like I'm gonna run into Dr. Dre, and he's like, yo, wrap something, and I'm just gonna spit the dopest thing. He's like, You're on, I'm gonna side you. Here's five million dollars. I'm so glad that you are at McDonald's right now, you know.

SPEAKER_02: 1:02:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:17

You gotta you gotta figure it out. Like, don't wait for those moments. Obviously, that's happened to many people, right? Before social media people had the power to be able to put themselves on. Uh, that was kind of what kind of had to happen, right? Um nowadays, like we're in such a whole different world with technology, social media, you know, and I I go to those examples because that's what benefits like my career and like my arts and communications, my career pathway, you know? And so it's like, but people don't understand. It starts something as simple as, okay, I'm gonna find a beat today. Okay, like if you want to release an album, go platinum, you're not just gonna wake up tomorrow and you sold a million records. Okay, you sold a million records of what? An album? Okay, well, how did you make that album? Well, you got beats, you started writing today. I'll write it. Maybe I'll come up with a theme, maybe write a couple lyrics. Like, these are daily consistency things that you can do. And you don't even gotta do them on a daily, but don't underestimate the power of small goals. Like that's how you get to those dream goals.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03:19

And even just in a sense, okay, maybe you're in your 50s or you're in your 60s, and that's not gonna be your career, but it could still be something that makes you happy, it could still be something that you do in treatment centers. You know what I'm saying? It could be something, it could still be something that makes you happy and fills your passion, right? And I think that's what's important. Figuring out what fills your cup, right?

SPEAKER_01: 1:03:42

You don't have to do it on a grand scale. Like, that's why I tell people like not everybody needs to be, you know, the next Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Drake, like, you know, are you know doing all these things? Like, if your heart and joy and passion is music, even if it's just creating it for you, like do that because like I know me personally, it's like mental health. Like, I get into a funk, I'm not, I'm grumpy when I feel like I'm not working off my daily tasks. I like I gotta do like a little bit of house cleaning because I stay at home every day. So I'm not on floor, right? I gotta do a little bit of house cleaning because I'm a messy person and I don't always pick up right when I get stuff. It's it's it's either spotless clean or just thrashed, right? I gotta do like some house cleaning. I gotta do, you know, a little bit, like a little bit of exercise. I have to do, you know, I I like playing my video games. I I like to do a little bit of music, you know. I I gotta play it with Pound Cake, my dog. Yeah, because if not, I feel guilty for not playing with her because I live short lives and like I didn't show her love or like hang out with her today. So it's like I gotta do all these things. If not, I can be a little bit grumpy, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 1:04:50

And self-care. That's knowing what your self-care checklist is, right? Yeah and how to how to take care of yourself a little bit, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:57

I try to do a little bit of each category for me. That's when I feel like I have a good day, you know.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:02

Yeah, yeah. Kind of and and people say, Well, I just had to check off the boxes. Maybe, maybe that's how you look at it, and maybe those are just the things that make you feel better, you know what I mean? They're not really boxes, they're things that make you feel better. That's okay, that's great, right?

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:17

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:18

That's great. Yeah. Well, I love that we did this today.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:21

Me too.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:22

I'm glad we got it working. We got to it and we got it working, we finally got to it, and yeah. I think it was great, and I I loved hanging out with you um in your uh your party that's in December. That's gonna be are you gonna um record that and and you know, uh, I thought about it.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:41

I will probably post pictures. Somebody asked me the other day, are you gonna record it for people that are can't be there? Um and I thought about it, and the answer has to be no, because the album's not coming out till weeks later. So if I record an album listening party and share it with somebody, it's basically leaking all my music before Can you share it after? Oh, yeah, they'll be able to hear it a couple weeks later. Oh, I guess I could always share it later, yes.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:07

Late after, yeah. After.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:09

That's always an idea. Yeah. I was short term.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:12

I'm just I'm just sad because I want to be there. So I'm like, I know, I know. I had someone else like me. And I was like, yeah, that was really about me.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:20

My first answer when someone first asked me, this was literally a couple days ago, I was like, yeah. And I was like, actually, no, I can't. I literally can't because like the music's coming out in two weeks. So like I couldn't even if I wanted to, but now I know what you're talking about. That's always an option as well.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:33

It was really about me though, honestly, because I was like, I don't kinda want to watch that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:37

It'll be fun. It'll be fun. It'll be laid back. Um, we're doing like a whole exclusive. Uh, we're drawing up ideas, we're gonna start executing the next week or so. Probably take pre-orders in the next like week and a half, two weeks, maybe even sooner. Uh, but we want to do like all types of like packages, like get the album, sign copy of the album. You know, we're gonna have like coffee mugs, like sweatshirts, shirts, bundles, like tote bags, all types of like things that different like levels of packages that you can get. Yeah, so we're gonna have like the whole merch line, it's gonna drop with it. It's a very important project for me because it's literally titled Burnside. And so it takes you into like the whole journey of addiction, then through recovery, then just me being a rapper. And so it's an important project. And you know, I've been wanting to release at this skill level like an 18-song, at least like a full album for probably about a decade, you know. And I just been dropping like 12 songs, 10 songs on an album, little EPs. And so I got 26 songs, you know, and uh I'm excited to share it with the world, but also I'm gonna be relieved to get this portion done because I've been slacking a lot on my music and releasing it because I've been hoarding everything for this and then not dropping it because I felt like it wasn't done or completed. So I just want to release it, celebrate, and move on to the next albums. Because I already have like two or three other albums that are coming out next year as well. And so it's like, let's just get this out the way, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 1:08:11

Yeah, but this is like b this is like a this is your project, right? This is your project. So, you know, you want it to be what you want it to be. You don't want to half ass anything, right? You want this to be what you wanted it to be. So the fact that you're finally releasing it means you got there.

SPEAKER_01: 1:08:28

I did.

SPEAKER_00: 1:08:29

I did. That's fine.

SPEAKER_01: 1:08:30

At least I don't want to say settled. Like I I got I got there where I'm happy and I'm like, this is this is a great project. Um, because I don't feel like it'll ever be like where I want. And I think that's just me, the competitor in me and the worst in me, right? Yeah. Um, but I I'm happy and I'm satisfied to where it's at, and I'm like, it's a dope project. Like, can't deny that, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 1:08:51

So awesome. I can't wait to hear it. I can't wait to hear it. Can't wait to maybe see the video if you release it of the I'll tell you what, Drowned In, Drowned In Remix is coming out.

SPEAKER_01: 1:09:03

Uh, the video.

unknown: 1:09:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 1:09:05

We're gonna premiere it at the album Listening Party. The video. Then the next day, so that's with Kalichi. Uh that video will be out December 7th. Uh, it's drowned in a remix. We shot it in Pittsburgh uh about a year ago. And yeah, I'm excited. It's gonna Caliche's gonna put it on his channel. He's gonna upload it to his YouTube. I'm gonna upload it to my YouTube. Uh, and we're gonna both like just share it like that to the to the world. So I'm excited. It's a really cool song. That is probably my second biggest song that I've ever done. I think it's probably yeah, probably getting close to hit like a million on like all channels, if not over. So it's it's a cool song, and I'm excited, and Caliche always does his thing, so yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:09:45

You might send him my way too.

SPEAKER_01: 1:09:47

Yeah, I definitely can. Yeah, it's not a problem.

SPEAKER_00: 1:09:51

Yeah. Now that's I I'm excited for you. I'm excited to hear it and just um excited for you to get it out there, kind of get that get that project complete, right? Yeah. It's awesome. Thank you. Look at that. Look at you, look at you go. Well, thank you so much. And um, I don't know what's next. I don't know. I don't know. We're just meant to somehow be connected. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that looks like. I never know what that means or looks like. Things just happen, right?

SPEAKER_01: 1:10:19

Yep, 100%. We're connected forever and we'll see each other somewhere, even if it's just on here. Don't worry about it. And you got me to lean on if you ever need it.

SPEAKER_00: 1:10:27

I appreciate that. Same, same for sure. So I appreciate you. Love you guys. I don't know where Kayla's at. She's not in there, she's not back there, but until I've said hello. You got pound cake? Oh hi. Hi, pound cake. Oh my gosh. Is she just like half asleep? She just moved and just like she just right back asleep. That was insane. That's cra is that some serious trust right there, or what? She didn't even blink. She was just like, Oh, pick me up, move me, throw me around, I'm gonna go right back to sleep. That was awesome. She's so cute.

SPEAKER_01: 1:11:04

I sent a video to my buddy yesterday. She likes to get her feet rubbed. So like she'll lay on her back between my legs, or like her feet, back feet towards me. And I'll just rub her feet. We'll both just watch TV and I'll rub her feet for like a half hour, hour. Just like exposing her little joints and hip.

SPEAKER_00: 1:11:20

She's like, huh, thank you. That's great. Well, thank you for that. I appreciate that. Of course. You guys have a good night, and we'll talk soon.

SPEAKER_01: 1:11:28

All right, you too, my friend. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 1:11:30

All right, bye.