Self-Care First...What If Loving Yourself Is The Program? With Guest Freeda Rae "Morning Starr" Armstrong

She was sent to treatment as a kid, learned to survive by going numb, and spent years chasing relief through alcohol, chaos, and relationships that looked like love but felt like control. Freeda Rae Armstrong joins us to tell the full truth of her story, from childhood domestic violence and collective trauma to early rehab, not feeling loved, motherhood, and the kind of grief that can crack a person open.

We also go straight at the question people love to ask: “Why don’t they just leave?” Freeda explains what domestic violence really looks like day to day, including financial abuse, fear, trauma bonding, and the constant calculation of how to keep your kids safe. From DUIs and prison time to court programs and reentry, we talk about the barriers that hit when you’re trying to rebuild a life, and why sobriety has to be more than white-knuckling.

What finally changes things is simple, but not easy: healing inside out. We share how self-care goes deeper than “maintenance,” how prayer can be a conversation, why connection is the opposite of addiction, and how Wellbriety talking circles create belonging across cultures. If you’re navigating addiction recovery, trauma healing, prison reentry, or domestic violence support, this one offers real hope and real tools. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway.

Freeda Rae-Founder at Morning Starr Healing Inside Out

Transcript

Welcome And Why Self-Care Matters

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Good morning and welcome to Breakfast of Choices: Life Stories of Transformation from Rock Bottom to Rock Solid. I am super excited to be on with my guest today. She is an awesome human being. Her name is Frida Ray Armstrong. Frida and I have met several different times and at several different events, networking events, well bridey meetings, goodness, AA meeting uh out in El Reno many times. And and um she just came back from a trip from Hawaii. Um, and just what a great story, what a phenomenal person. And she's been real patient with me here for the last five minutes while I'm trying to get someone in treatment today. So thank you so much, Frida. I appreciate you. Welcome. I'm so happy to have you on. How are you doing tonight?

SPEAKER_00 2:00

I'm doing great. You know, just doing that self-care, self-care, especially when we advocate for people and doing the work that we do, you know, that self-care is a big thing that I do a lot. And sometimes I have to like really tell myself, Frida, just not cancel everything today and do it.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

You gotta listen to your body, right? We have to listen to our body, we have to listen because what we don't want is the stress out and the burnout. And, you know, in this field, when you're helping others all the time, you can't you can't forget about yourself, and that does happen. So I'm really glad that you did that today. And thank you for taking the time to come on here with me as well on your self-care day. I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

Yes.

Childhood Trauma And Cultural Roots

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Tell us a little bit about how your story started, Frida.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Well, um, let me uh I my um native name is Morningstar. So I'm Southern U, Southern Cheyenne and Cattle Nation. I'm from Colorado. Um, my story started, you know, watching and hearing my father beat my mom up as a child. I'm the fifth daughter of six daughters. And, you know, me being that young and hearing that, I would always go hide and and hold my emotions. You know, because when one got when one of us girls got in trouble, we all got in trouble. But, you know, being having to have that trauma of physical abuse and emotional abuse. And but I was raised up in a um really cultural, traditional family. And so I I went to like the Native American church, the sweat lodges, sundances, powwows, and all that. But I never knew that that was a cause of part of my trauma, you know, have even the domestic violence part. I didn't know about domestic violence being that young. And also the I call it community trauma, but it's called collective trauma. For me being in that background of our traditional ways, um, some of the families in Colorado didn't weren't traditional like that. And we were called like witches and stuff like that. So I turned that around and had a lot of shame and guilt, you know, on top of seeing what I was seeing in the household in my family. And then also, you know, I didn't like people being bullied when I was in kindergarten. So I would protect them. And then I ended up turning out to be the bully because I was fighting them and and thinking I was doing something right, but I wasn't doing I wasn't doing the right thing, really. And then and then I started drinking really young, you know, I watching my older sisters and and also trying to fit in, you know, trying to fit in. Always thought I was uh I was an oddball or I was different, but in reality I wasn't, you know, it was just, you know, the popular kids and but I don't think I really wanted to be popular because I was I was intelligent, but I just I just just didn't know that what I seen in the house and with my father and mother that later on I would take it further into drinking. And I ended up in rehab when I was 12. I always say 12, but I think it was 11, but I know I had my birthday in there and I think I was turning 13, but it was in Acoma. My tribe sent me down there. I'm in Road Southern U, and they sent me down there. And I always wondered why, why did they send me down here? You know, why did they want me? They didn't, you know, I had to be far away because I was like hours away from Colorado. And and uh, you know, back then they didn't for me, they didn't like ask, what can I do? What's going on in your household? No, they didn't have those questions as a young a young uh child. I was also sent to what is shelters, they called them shelters back then, and that was on a different reservation in Toyoak and group homes and to a foster foster home in Ignacio, and I just never realized, you know, what uh I always just thought that, well, you know, my mom didn't didn't love me. My dad passed away when I was six, you know, but I always figured that he would come. He was out there somewhere and he didn't want nothing to do with this, you know, because we weren't able to see him have an open casket. But um, you know, after many years of finding out of what really happened, you know, I always uh and I always uh my dad's Cheyenne, Southern Cheyenne here in Al Reno, way back then they would um they would uh banish people from the tribe and because he had murdered his wife. And I never knew the true story until I started healing and coming back here and living here in El Reno. Then I found out, you know, I always thought, why did the tribe didn't want my dad? You know, why why didn't they want him buried there in all those years? It was just how they how the old folks, way long time ago, our ancestors done it on banishing when you killed a person. They actually banished you from the tribe.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

And so you never knew that growing up. No. And so nobody spoke about it, nobody told you anything different. You that you just thought he really wasn't coming back because he didn't love you.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Yes, yes. I always thought that just because I didn't see his body, I always thought he was just out there and they just it was probably better that my mom, my mom probably said, Well, he's not there. But we did go to the funeral and stuff, but it you know, I didn't I just never put it together after after that. I just started really drinking more and being promiscuous and not caring for myself because I didn't know how to love myself. You know, I didn't even I thought I loved myself by keeping clean, having hygiene, knowing how to cook and this and that, but that wasn't really, you know, that was just uh outer part of of something that was really deeper inside.

Drinking Young And Early Treatment

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Yeah, we definitely have to learn how to love ourselves. And I call it fly. First love yourself. We have to learn how to do that, and that's not something we're really taught, you know. We're we're around the same age, and that's not something I was ever we that was never even spoken about, right? Nobody really talked about that. Loving yourself, that wasn't even really a thing back then, you know. And a lot of things weren't talked about talked about back then. A lot of things were hush hush, a lot of things were with children, especially, you know, be seen but not heard. And so it didn't feel like they had to talk to us or tell us anything, right? And um now we know different. I mean, now we know different, and when we know better, we do better, but I'm sorry that happened. That's um thank you for sharing that. I can't imagine that feeling as a as a um young girl and not really knowing, you know? Yes. So they sent you basically to treatment back then. Did they tell you you were going to treatment?

SPEAKER_00 8:18

Yes, I was getting in trouble. I was getting in in trouble with the law.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Everything, every time I got in trouble, it had to do with alcohol. So I was I was young. I was young and they just got tired of me just that's how I felt. They got tired of me going in and out of the in and out of jail and um getting picked up for public detox and getting thrown in and and the det and the uh drunk tank there and and they just sent they said send her they sent me and my one best friend um there. She came in uh probably a month later after I got there. Okay. But we it was a six-month treatment center and it was out there in Acima, so New Mexico.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

And what kind of experience did you have there?

SPEAKER_00 8:58

It actually I everything since then, I it's like because I had went to a treatment center, uh not it was I was an outpatient in Colorado a couple of times, and then I went to George Hawkins and a couple more other treatment centers. But all those, especially when I was younger, was the same thing of doing the steps, you know, going to your meetings, and and me, I was just I I I comprehended it, but I wasn't hearing it, you know. I was I was just like listening, and and back then I was so young, it was just like more of a camp because it was COVID. There was guys on one side and females on the other, and we were getting into relationships and you know, and then it was like, okay, I'm cool. I'm I'm actually the youngest one there, and I'm cool with these older ones, you know. And and I've always been like that with throughout my years of some addiction, was I was always either that sometimes the youngest one there, you know, because all my sisters were older too, except my baby sister. It was just uh it it I really I learned, but I didn't learn because when I got back out and I went back, I went even harder because of me not feeling like I was loved. Like I w I didn't no one cared, you know, that no one cared for me. They just threw me in a detox center and I'm this young. And so when I went back, I went even more more harder and took off and ended up c coming but coming um back and forth to Oklahoma and Colorado on the Greyhound. And back then you didn't have to have an ID. I mean, you could be twelve, thirteen years old and just go in Durango and get a a bus ticket and a round trip bus ticket and they let you go, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

Yeah. When I left California, it was on the bus as well. So I I know exactly what you're saying. When you left, did you go back home the first time though?

SPEAKER_00 10:41

Did you actually go back with your mom? I think I had got sent to the group home in Durango when I got back because that's when I actually met my boys' dad. I have two sons by him, but he's he's gone. He's been gone for a couple years now. Well, maybe eight years now. But um yeah, I think they sent me to a a sh a um group home.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

I know I didn't go home to my mom because I was underneath the care of social services and the court.

School Struggles And Generational Trauma

SPEAKER_01 11:08

So after after that you said you went and you went back harder. Yes. Tell me what started happening after that.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

I started getting to more fights, started hanging out, started uh leaving home. The school, you know, the school they they put it they put me in a special ed school is what they called it back then. I don't know what they call it now, but I know they put us in a a little trailer behind the big school and and the lady back there, she let us work at our own pace. So if we got everything done, that was done for we could go, we could do the I could do the whole book and sit around for the whole rest of the year. You know, and as long as I did that book and turned all my stuff in. So I didn't even have to attend school. You know, I didn't I I was just running around ditching, nobody even cared if I ditched or not. And and uh taking off to Oklahoma, I'd be in Oklahoma running around in Shawnee and Indarko and all these little towns around here, and and then finally I'd go back home and go back to school, and you know, and my mom would be like, Well, you you know, school's starting, and and she her being um she was a boarding school. She went to boarding school, so she had that intergenerational trauma. I I never knew about intergenerational trauma, but she had the boarding school and also she was a f her only child from what I had heard, but um back then you couldn't have a your mother, I mean you couldn't have a baby out of wedlock, or else they would kill the baby, throw it down the flume by my mama's house. And they went and my my grandma hid her for a while. They hit her. And then when when they uh she got older, they brought her out, but she ended up going to the boarding school there in Ignashell.

SPEAKER_01 12:48

Think about the trauma from that that nobody ever talked about and nobody ever dealt with. Think think about um being a young girl and that happens. I can't even imagine. I'm glad that we do things differently now, but there's a lot to heal from when we didn't do those things differently. And that's that generational trauma. Some people say generational curses, you know, however you refer to it, but it's it's all of that rolled up, you know, all the things that they went through that nobody ever spoke of. Pretty, pretty tough.

SPEAKER_00 13:18

Yeah. And even with the even with the BIA police and all that, everything was just like the MMIP we have out here. You know, my my grandma, my mom's mom, she would got raped. That's how she conceived my mom. She got raped and they cut her tongue out, whoever done it. And uh, and that was never I don't know if it was reported or not, or or things like that, but it was just like a hush-hush thing, like you were just saying, you know, it's just like don't talk about it. You know, and my mom always was like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Talk about it. And that was a that's a and that still happens in some cultures and some communities, right? Things we just don't talk about. And while I realistically understand that, you know, from the emotional side, the trauma from that is horrendous. And so don't speak about it turns into years of hot mess and addiction and everything else, right? And because we're just stuffing our feelings and masking. We know that now. They just they didn't realize they were stuffing and masking. It doesn't sound so much like it when you hear a lot of people's stories. It doesn't sound like they really took much thought into it back then. So after that, tell me what's going on for you.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Okay, so then I ended up getting pregnant when I was 16, probably like 15 or 16, and and having a miscarriage. And I leave and then uh I come back and then I end up having my first child when I was 18. But I remember uh I was to go to I finished school in December of 1992, and they told me the the school said that I could graduate in '93 and may and walk. Well, I was working the whole time trying to take because I was pregnant, and I was gonna have a big old bash when I turned 18, and that's when I found out I was pregnant like the day before 18. And then I just like literally stopped doing everything. Just you know, it was just some um the mother instinct in me, you know, just stopped doing everything. And and um I was working with for the tribe at the uh utility company for that January to May. And when I went to walk, they said that I needed one more credit. And I said, How do I need one more credit when I was in these uh in these uh special ed schools and everything? You know, uh you guys should have told me in January.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

So I um I ended up uh walking, I ended up cussing them out, you know, uh how rebellious I was. I remember I ended up cussing them out and I mooned them and I went out the door. I said, I'm never coming back to it. I remember that day. I remember a couple of my friends were like, You really did that, Free Dog? I was like, Yeah, I did. I said, Did you guys see me? They said, Yeah. And you know, back then I thought it was cool, but it wasn't cool. I should have never reacted like that. But I was like, I was really frustrated, pregnant. And uh, and then I had my son, but I have I had six children, and my oldest son passed in 2016. I had to gotta make a decision, take him off life support. He got in a wreck in Colorado. And for me, I thought it was uh I always thought it was uh I killed my own son and why I had to why did I have to do a make uh choice of the day for him to pass and and I cussed Father God out, and that's when I really instead of selling the drug, I ended up doing the drugs and doing it even even more harder, you know, and a uh being a what is that, an organ organ donor? He was an organ donor and and uh um I believe that they kept him alive on the on the um machines for the organs, and I didn't know he was an organ donor, but when the sheriff was telling me the story, he said he got there almost to a half an hour. It was like 29 minutes. The call had already got in, and by the time he got there, he said my son wasn't breathing, and I was like, Well, a brain could only last so long without oxygen. So I know he was gone. And then when I found out and I finally, but it took like four or five years for me to really process it, and and I was like, you know what? I think they were keeping him alive, but I it kind of upset me because why would they do that? Why would they make me, you know, make me have to choose to take him off life support when he was already gone and this and that, you know. And but I I accept it. I I mean, you know, eventually I that's where my healing started coming in.

Domestic Violence And Breaking Free

SPEAKER_01 17:27

I'm sorry that happened. And that's grief too. That's a lot of grief that you're in at that moment, so you're not thinking clearly, I'm sure. Even though I wasn't Yeah, absolutely. That's a lot to go through and and not think clearly. And, you know, you're already um in in a bad situation, and just I'm sure that felt like you're just getting it piled on, you know.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

I'm gonna go back to when I was uh going into my relationships. I ended up, you know, my first baby daddy, he had um we would be arguing and fighting and stuff, and then I thought it was normal, you know, seeing my mom and dad go through it. And then I jumped to a different relationship, and that was my girl's dad. And he really he would he really abused me to where, you know, I couldn't wear, um, I couldn't dress like a girl. You know, I had to dress baggy, baggy clothes, tennis shoes, and he was abusive of pointing sought-off shotguns at me, shooting me up with BB guns and doing this in front of my children, beat me. He would beat me up in front of everybody at our house, and nobody would say nothing. So for a long time, this was an anodartical. For a long time, I always was like, wow, nobody said anything. But really, after I learned that it was a sickness, and you know how people would say, Well, why didn't you leave? You should leave, you know, this and that, and get upset about it and stuff. And and now, you know, I go back and I help people on that because being in a in a domestic violence uh situation and um knowing not loving myself because that's where it all sends to of the love of myself. You know, I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to like I I tell myself now too, how could I have loved my children when I didn't love myself? How can I have been that mother when I couldn't even have loved myself? You know, I was a mother that had a lot of materialistic things for my children. So with that trauma, I was doing the trauma bonding and uh being attached to, you know, different every relationship I had was was um either emotional, definitely financial abuse. People don't understand sometimes that there is financial abuse out there.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

100%. Absolutely, absolutely another form of control. And that's a big one for women, especially um when you are are have children that you have to take care of. And the thought of what what am I gonna do? Where where am I gonna go? Where am I gonna take them? How I'm go how am I going to take care of them? I'm certainly not going to leave without them, and so you stay. And and of course the abuser knows that, right? So it's just a it's it's an ongoing cycle. Um, and you end up thinking, you know, this is just what we do, this is what I have to do. Um you know different now, but it's not uncommon, right? It's not uncommon at all. And that that question of why don't they just leave, there's so many reasons people stay in domestic violence situations. I've I've been in them as well. There's so many reasons that you stay. Um that are when when you start your healing and you start your journey and you say those reasons to yourself, you understand it doesn't make sense. But when you're in the middle of the bubble, you're just living it, right? You're living it.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

So And living in the middle of that bubble with all those toxic, chaotic lifestyle that I was in, you know, that didn't that didn't help none because I was really blinded and shaded from being intoxicated whenever I did use marijuana, you know, being high and and thinking that, well, it'll be it'll be good tomorrow or it it's okay. Then going through that, going through that emotional of um that um carrying around the emotional baggage that I carried around since I was young. You know, our body is made up of 65, about 50 to 65 percent water. But as a child, uh that's why they say children are are between the ages zero to six, their body's made up of 75% water. So just think of that, uh that uh things that they absorb. That's why they absorbed things, you know, and and me, I absorbed a lot but because I was taught my traditional ways, but I was I didn't know how to love myself, you know. Because my my dad, my dad and my mom always born to old parents. I always say old parents because my mom was in her early 40s and my dad was in his late 50s and had me. So, you know, that's a big difference right there, also on how what age your parents are. So I um so I I ended up uh, I know it was New Year's Eve, I ended up getting really beat up by my girl's dad, and I was tied up and thrown in a room with my two do my two sons. My youngest oldest son was five, and my youngest son was a year, because they're three years apart. Uh I remember my oldest son taking off the duct tape, and and I told him go get a knife so I could cut my the duct tape off my hands and and legs. And he was scared, but he did, and we left, and uh my auntie um got me a um uh uh taxi there. That's when they had taxis down there in Anadarco and and I went to Colorado. Well, he looked for me in every every town here in Oklahoma, and he had told me that he looked and he was gonna find me. But you know, I ended up uh sending him, sending my his cousin my address because he owed me on the truck that I left there, and he gave him my uh my my address and was writing, and you know how that moonlighting and and I love you, it won't happen again, and this and that. So he ended up coming with me to Colorado and uh and he ended up doing that when I was uh pregnant with both of my daughters. He ended up one of my daughters ended up picking me up and slamming me on the hood in front of that off beauty police officer. So he was charged there for that one. And then he ended up hitting me while I was pregnant with my second, our second daughter in a grocery store, and that was on video. So so that was the only time that you know that I I I actually got away that time, and I actually was like for. No, and he went ended up going to prison on that, on those charges in Colorado. And I got a divorce, and and then uh I ended up getting pregnant with my my baby boy, and uh his dad was doing the same thing, but he was also um being going out on me also. Uh I ended up leaving him, but I ended up working at an oilwell company in Tulsa for my tribe to own um two oil wheel companies there. So I ended up working there as a contract administrator down there. And and I thought it was gonna work out, you know. I ended up getting back with my girl's dad. And then I started noticing the the abuse, you know, and and I and it's I snapped and and I was uh I got started getting scared, like I can't do this, Frida, you can't do this. So I told him I said you gotta leave my house. And then uh he he got angry and stuff, and then uh he finally left. But he had told me a story when we got back. He said he would uh sit outside in Anadarko of my boy's baby daddy mama's house and we'd go and visit that. He was he contemplated on turn burning down that house and and watching us run out and was gonna shoot us. Well, I ended up um was thinking about that, and I remember I was I can't do this. So I asked him to leave, and then when he left and I was going to work and um I was getting sick and I went and took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant. That would have been our third child, and I had anxiety and I was fearing, and I said, I can't I can't have another baby. And I ended up um getting an abortion in Tulsa. And what makes it so wonderful about, and I'm not saying it was wonderful to get the abortion, but I'm what I was I'm saying wonderful on my healing journey is I got to be a speaker over there at the um at the uh the Titus and Jessica. Yeah, yeah. And um in the same area I would before I went there, I had rode around and that was the area that that abortion clinic was on in that area, and I was praying, and I said, you know what, that was a part of that healing that I'm going through.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

100%. 100%. Um and and you know, those decisions are never easy. Um, and there's many reasons why we make them. They're never easy. It's not like we take it lightly and we carry it. Do carry it. Even I'm glad that you were able to that you're talking about the Tulsa Spiritual Care Network where we were.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Yeah. I'm I'm glad that you had got got some healing from that. And that's beautiful. Yeah.

DUIs Prison Time And Custody Shock

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yes. It was it was really uh, you know, it was blessed. I was really blessed on that that one because uh I kept on going on with my life with drinking. You know, I got I can't I would get uh I have a lot of DUIs back then from you from being in Wichita. I used to live in Kansas and in Colorado I had so many DUIs in Oklahoma. So, you know, they say um habitual DYR. And back then I was, you know, I was a habitual DYR and and uh I know I I should have been in prison, but I ended up going into prison on a on a uh possession charges of uh CDS, two possession charges, and a bunch of other little small charges. But what I was grateful, that was in 2012, and I was grateful that um my cases were running CC and not CS.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Not know that. For anybody that might not know it, CC means your cases run concurrent. So say you get five years in one county, five years in another, five years in another, they run them all together. When it's consecutive, you would do the five, five, five, and you'd have a 15-year controlling sentence. So when somebody's sentence gets CC, you're very happy.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yes, yes, most definitely. But you always gotta watch out for these three words. I believe it's and if or but in the case, because uh my my I was in drug court and I and I've had two months, and me being that uh toxic and alcoholic, I I wanted to drink. And I went out and drank, and this was when Judge Oaks was uh uh uh drug court then. I just so happened to be the one she made an example of because she was getting tired of people coming in with the DUI, and I had got a DUI two months before I was gonna graduate. And she said, You're going to prison. And she said, I I've been giving sanctions to people, getting DUIs, letting them off the hook. She said, But I'm tired of it. She said, You're going to prison. Oh man, and I she said, I said, Well, I have six children. I want to, you know, get them situated. She said, January 13th, you come back in and you're going straight into prison. So then I didn't tell anybody. I was looking for people to watch, keep all my children. And I was asking my children, do you want to go with your dad? You know, their family. No, we want to stay together, keep us together. And I said, okay. And then I finally told my mama, I told her like a week before I was going in that I'm going to prison. You know, I'm going to prison and and I need someone to take my kids. And then that's when she said, I'll call you back. And she called me back, and there was the caretakers that are, they still have my youngest daughter, but they're uh they're from um Shoshone Banock tribe in Idaho. They ended up taking my kids, but the thing was my power of attorney was for them to give them back to me when I got out, and they were to keep them on my reservation in Colorado because that's where they're living at. And they ended up getting up in the middle of the night and New Year's Eve and tr taking my kids to Idaho to their reservation. I don't know what was going on there, but I know I was in prison then. But when I got to AR, which is uh the reception for for getting into prison, uh the judge told me 18 months. My lawyer was uh um, my lawyer told me, Jason Lowe, he told me, you're only gonna go in for 18 months. I said, okay, 18 months. I'm gonna sign for 18 months, and he I didn't know he put on there that no recording, you know. So I I just signed it 18 months. I'm I'm going out of all these charges, I'm going 18 months. I get to AR and and they tell me, they said, your cases, your two cases are 50%. You have to do half this time. So they were both six years. I had to do automatic three years. Oh man, my heart dropped. I was like, eight, eighteen three years? What am I? And I was like, well, I'm gonna have to tell these people that have my kids and and things like that. And I'm grateful that they kept them and I'm grateful that they're they they taught in our traditional ways and stuff. But you know, I called them and I and they're but they yeah, what we'll keep them, you know. So I said, okay, I ended up going into prison. I ended up doing four and a half calendars uh my first time I went in. And you know, those three little you those three little words. So when I got there, I I ended up working with uh Miss Crow at the at the law librarian because I was one of the facilitators there that would um help do um bring in newcomers and uh facilitated the HIV and all these other classes that they had to go through for those four days. And she said, uh well let's let's try to get your recording and try to get all this. So I'll say I'll I'll pay for it. Let's let's get this rolling. So by the time I got it back, there was nothing on there that said 18 months. And there was no recording, nothing said, we can't let you out. You have to do the eight, you have to do the 50%. Wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Tell me what tell me so I I what I do know is I went to prison as well, but I I didn't have that where you have to come back. Like I got arrested straight. You know what I mean? Done, you're done. There was no drug court, there was it was it was a whole different situation. But what is that? Tell me what that in that moment when you know they give you a date to come back, right? Come back and turn yourself in. I'm taking you to prison. I that time in my life, there is not a chance in hell that I would have woke up and said, All right, take me. I would have been gone, girl. So you had children at the time, so that I'm sure made a difference. I did not. I who knows where I'd have been today, right? If that would have happened. So what is how did I don't even know what that's like. Explain that to me a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

You know, me me having uh to be so independent and I didn't get child support from none of my um baby daddies or didn't file or nothing, and I didn't I wasn't able to get food stamps, so I was always independent and doing things myself. So, and I always uh kept things to myself because, you know, trust issues and and stuffing it, stuffing my feelings. I was good at that. So, you know, and to be able to, I I really I it was a fear that I didn't want to leave my my children. My baby girl, she was 13 months, and um, I was just happy that they were able to get together. And I did thought about, you know, about going back and and running back to my reservation. And and I'm I'm I was kicked off. I was kicked out of Colorado, so I had an exclusion order, so I couldn't go over there. And uh I uh I was like, Frida, just go do your time, 18 months. You know, I could do 18 months. And and I, you know, I was preparing my children and my and my oldest son, he was 18 then. He had turned 18 in October before and that in 92. Um, wait, 92? No, not 92, in 2011. And then my baby girl was uh 13 months when I went in 2012. It was January 13th, because it was a Friday the 13th. I went in. And I remember when when they told me that uh my children, they um walked me to the elevator and I was handcuffed and shackled. And that was the last time I seen them, you know. And then then when I get out, I thought I could get my children back. And when the caretakers left, they took them up to Idaho and um they knew I was gonna go on a 90-day stip from that sentence. And I was at lower security, and all those years I had contact with my children, and they cut off contact when I get when I hit um work the work center. And uh they turned around and filed in their court permanent custody, emergency custody, and they were approved. And I didn't know that. So I had got out, I got me a condo for my kids, thinking I was gonna get get them back and do my interstate compact if I couldn't, because I couldn't do it in there, my interstate compact, they told me to get out first. And so I did, and it found out that I had to fight for my kids and and a lot of things were getting thrown at me. And Father God, he knows way better than I did, because he knew that my son was gonna my son was gonna pass, and that I was I was gonna go off, I was gonna go crazy, I was gonna not care about myself and and where would my kids be if I would have had them, you know. Yeah. And so everything happens for a reason, and it's only through him that, you know, my kids were safe and they weren't with me.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

And just like telling you you thought you had 18 months, if they would have told you you had three years, would you have went?

SPEAKER_00 33:24

Um yeah, I I yeah, I think I could have I would have could have went. I I I don't know because but then I did have six children too, and my baby was thirteen, and my my son, my oldest son, he said, Mom, just let me keep him, let me keep I could take care of him. I'm 18. No, and and he had a his permit and his uh he was gonna graduate, which he did graduate that following May and but in Colorado, and he uh kept saying, let me let me take them, Mom, let me take them. And I was like, No, I couldn't leave that burden on, you know, on him. But I was able to come out and find uh reunite with my children. Every one of them um searched me out and and you know, and and um I have six grandchildren now, but um right now me and my daughters and my youngest ones aren't talking, but you know, Father God is good no matter what, no matter what I go through, you know, that's who I left behind when I got out of prison in 2015 was him. You know, I had a dream in prison that I was gonna walk out by myself. But after I thought about it, I was like, maybe because I always had my children, that that's what that was the dream about is I was gonna be by myself. But in reality, I left him in prison and I walked out without him. And that was what the dream was. And I finally I it finally like snapped like three years ago when I started hit my healing journey.

Finding God Inside Then Reentry Reality

SPEAKER_01 34:35

Yeah, that's that's real. That's real. We do a lot of people do find God in prison, right? A lot of people do. And people think it's fake a lot of times, right? You didn't you didn't you know what I'm talking about, right? You know exactly what I'm talking about. Um and it's not, it's truly not. You you're you don't have to be sober in prison. I chose to be. Um and if you are working any program or working any steps and sober when you're in prison and you're working and you're helping other people and you're giving back and you're feeling good about yourself, right? You do have a relationship with God. When you get out, there is so many mountains to climb that you lose you lose yourself again, right? And it's and it's it's not that you don't have God, it's that you've lost yourself again and you go back to the ways that you know to to to stuff and cope and and all of those things, and you are dealing with so many life things, life issues. And you come out and you're already facing that. Now you find that out about your kids, and you didn't know that, and now it's a whole nother thing that you have to you gotta get a job, you gotta get a place to stay, you gotta fight for your kids, you have to stay so it's a lot. It's a lot, and there's a lot of barriers thrown at you. And um, I'm not saying it can't be done, it absolutely can. Um, I I have done it, so I know that it absolutely can be done, but it's not a lie that we that a lot of people find God when they're in prison just because they lose them when they get out. There's many factors, and I just wanted to kind of talk about that a little bit because my public defender told me not to find God and I was so confused by that statement. But what she was trying to tell me was don't find God miraculously and get up on the stand and use that as your way to get out, is what she was trying to say. But in the beginning, I was, you know, I wasn't in a place to hear what she was really meaning. And I took that to mean don't find God. So I was really confused. I was very young when I went to prison and I was very confused by that statement. And it messed me up a little bit at first. Um I let it mess me up. You know what I mean? I let it mess me up at first. And so that's why I wanted to kind of bring some light to that. Um people always go, we find them real good while they're in there, and then they just seem to lose them when they get out. And that's not really what it is. We just have to work to get him back, right? We gotta work to get him back in our heart. So thank you for for saying that. Letting me go on that little tangent because that's always a thing for me.

SPEAKER_00 37:07

Yeah, yeah. And I was I was uh blessed to be the head chapel clerk while I was at Eddie's. I stayed in Mayboth for two months and I transferred to Eddie's and I did my time there. Then I um I um came out from parole out of KB. And then um I went in the second time. They sent me straight from AR to a work center, and I was one of the first groups to leave there. You know, of course, we we were getting told all this and that from the from the ladies there because why are you guys why why'd you guys get sent here from AR and this and that? And but uh long story short, you know, I I was going on my third, my third uh trip to to prison, and uh I did this um uh advocate training a couple about probably about a month ago, and I thought it was my public defender because I had a public defender on my gun case I had caught. And she worked hard for me because I don't know what she was doing behind the scenes, but I remember I would I was uh I had lost my son, I lost my mom. I was, I was, I didn't realize I was I was selling crack for a long time, and then I started doing it. And I didn't realize I was doing that for three years straight every day. One day I I was like, no, I've only been doing you about six months. You know, I was talking to somebody about it, and then I looked back and they're like, Are you sure, Frida? And I was like, Yeah. And I looked back and it was three years. I lost literally three. That's how I know when people say they lose that time. You could actually lose the time on doing these drugs. And and um, so I went in and I was already chaotic. I was in a I was a total mess. I looked at my my jail picture just the other day. I was showing, I was showing and uh I just think so. You could tell, I looked at my eyes and I could tell that there was no glow in it, there was no spirit in it. That I I was just like, you know how they say demons attach to you when when you have all this other when you're when you're not living right, you know, like if you have alcohol in you and drugs or whatever, and they they start attaching to you. And I could see myself and I was looking at that at her, and and um I remember um I had a dream with my son, and he was in his casket, and the bottom part was open. It opened up and he g got up and he used to wear his cowboy boots with shorts, and he jumped over and he said, Mom, I could run. And he jumped over and he ran into the there's people, shadows in the light, and he ran over there. He said, I'm okay, mom, I'm okay. So then I was crying in my sleep, and I woke up in in the county jail in Oklahoma County, and then I was like, I was praying, you know, and then uh, and then I ended up getting out and then uh I ended up trying to do suicide. I ended up in the crisis center. And I got one phone call and I called my son Alfred, and and he told me he he was uh he was angry, he was upset. He said, Mom, he said, You're so selfish. You you have um five other children out here and hung up on me, you know, and then uh, and then uh this is uh oh that was before, and then I got I went in for the gun charge, and then uh I was in there and then I had that dream. And then uh Mrs. Blummert, that was her name, uh um public defender, Harry Blummert was her name, and she came in and they called me out and I told her, I said, just sign my I I'm ready to go. Oh when I get to prison, I'm gonna get all these drugs. I'm gonna be the same way as I going in as I'm and I come out the same way, maybe even harder. I said, and then uh then then I sat there and then I was telling her my dream, started talking about my dream and stuff, and then I just came out. I was like, and I started telling her about my life and everything I went through up till then. And I told her, I said, you know what? I said, um, I want some help. I felt it. I felt it.

SPEAKER_01 40:35

And yeah, when you're talking about it, you're getting it out, right? And we hold it in, right? You're a strong lady. You hold it in, just handle your business, right? When you start talking about it and it's coming out and it's kind of loses power, right? When you're talking about it, it's like, wow. Oh, wow. But when we first start telling our stories, it's like it's it feels like it's someone else's life, you know? Because it's like, how how did I go through all that? Yes. It's true though, but when you start talking about it, it does kind of lose its power and you realize, wow, I've been through a lot of shit. I might need some help. Yes, yes, yes. Wow. Yeah, I'm so glad for you that that happened. So that was with your public defender you were telling your story.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

Yes, with my public defender, and uh, I didn't think anything of it, you know. I was like, well, you know, uh when you're when you're a felon and you have a gun and you get a gun charge, you're automatically going in for 10 years. No, no, no matter what. So I'm like, okay, I'm not going in. I went back up to my um cell and didn't think nothing of it again. You know, month, two months went by and ended up getting called out at um five, five, four thirty. It was late though, and I'm like, why am I getting called out for to go to court? You know, the courthouse is gonna be closed, and this is weird. And so I get there and she's she's up there uh on on the um at the uh at the top of the county, and she tells me, tell exactly what you told me you tell the public, I mean you tell the DA and the judge. She said, This is a special court for you. And I said, Okay. So I just pray and I get called in there, and there the judge is there, and the public, the DA, and and I go and I tell him everything, my whole story. And then I tell him, I said, I'm you know, I'm asking for help. And uh the DA said, Never in the history of the state of Oklahoma have we ever let a felon out with a gun charge. He said, but I believe your story. I believe you want the help and I believe in you. And he and he told me, he said, we're gonna put you on team. So the judge talked and he said the same thing. He said, I believe you, Miss Armstrong, I see it in your eyes. He said, and I see you want some help. He said, and and we're gonna put you on team. I got out on team and of course I relapsed, you know. I relapsed and um, and then uh I I I don't get bad UAs or nothing, but I'm relapsing and then uh I ended up getting these two DUIs in Oklahoma County and in uh in um Cleveland County. The best part is I was sober. I was sober on these two, but it's my it's my uh it's my that pops up in all my charges. The the the police officer treated me like I was nothing. He said, You don't even deserve to be out here. And he they put me a DUI and I said, I want a breathalyzer. Nope. So the one in Cleveland County, I took a breathalyzer, I I put zero zeros, it blew zero zeros. So I thought, well, I could fight this one because I was sober and I had just gone to DUA the day before. So on on this good on this DUI charge in Oklahoma County, the judge said, No, we're gonna put you in DUI court. Oh man, with Judge Stoner. We're gonna transfer your cases from your team with the gun charge to DUI court. And I said, Okay. So then I went to court into Cleveland County. Cleveland County said, no, we're gonna we're gonna uh run it concurrent together. You you take care of that. Took care of it, got done. Well, I was in drug when I was in DUI court. I ended up um going to Ocarta, going to Hope, Red Rock. Red Rock was some way through um DUI court. I definitely had to go to. And I was doing diversion hub and then team. I was going back to team and doing, they have different, these different classes, different things that you can take, you know, and just being, you're getting there, you're riding the bus. I was riding the bus in the rain, in the sleep, and the snow, you know, I was getting there because that's what I want. I felt it in me, you know, and I that's why I know what it how it feels to want that sobriety, to need not just need it, but want it and and feel it inside. Because before other times I'd be like having that prayer, Lord, you just get me out of here. And I promise I'll do this. I promise I'll and I knew he knew, he knew. Yeah, he knew that I wasn't gonna that's so amazing.

Court Programs And The Switch Flips

SPEAKER_01 44:36

That's so amazing. So I have to tell you something. So I'm super excited about something you're talking about. Team, I'll be going into Mabel Bassett um with team starting on the 10th, and I'll be able to teach my curriculum, fly, first love yourself. And we're finally getting to go in and teach those classes and talk about self worth and talk about self love and really teach it and learn it from the inside out while they're still incarcerated.

SPEAKER_00 45:01

Is that not amazing? Yes, that's that's amazing. I love the work you're doing. I've been wanting to go back into the uh prison and me going back and forth to work in Colorado. the past two years. I put my application in, got my referral letters and and never never went for it. But I was looking at my email and I was like, you know what? I could still contact him.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

Yes, absolutely. I would love to take well briety and oh that would be so amazing. I just I knew that you would you would understand what I was talking about when I said that because learning to love yourself while you're incarcerated and go through those classes and learn that self-worth before you get out again is is phenomenal. So I'm so sorry to interrupt and tell you that. I knew you would you would understand that.

SPEAKER_00 45:49

Yeah and just even when you uh when you're finding yourself and loving yourself and knowing that when you're in prison and you're doing that, you know, when we get out we still go back and reminisce about the times and the things that we learned in there. You know, we don't forget them. We don't forget it. And sometimes and majority of the times those those are the big impacts. I was an HWR there also big impact that we had on my life had on my had on the journey of my healing literally changed my life.

SPEAKER_01 46:18

A program in prison called the Empowerment Program is literally what flipped my switch. It's a program that volunteers brought in and the little question of what are your hobbies and I was like math men and motorcycles those are my hobbies literally that's all I knew. That like light bulb moment of oh my God, if I don't change that when I get out of here, what am I going to go do? Same exact thing, right? And so I really took that to heart and um came back next class and I'd lost that chip on my shoulder and I'd lost that attitude and I I didn't care about the paper getting signed anymore. I was just like I'm here I'm ready I'm ready to take this in I'm ready to learn teach me. And I was just like a sponge after that it was the weirdest it literally felt like a switch got flipped in my brain, in my heart in my soul. It was just like wow it was so incredible. I still oh I'm gonna cry when I talk about it her name was Cheryl and she was the one that taught the class and once I got out back then you weren't allowed to have contact with when you left and so I never got to um contact her on the outside and I never got to say thank you. I mean I said thank you while I was in there but I it's almost like that you want to show your mom your you know what I mean like what you've done right and and like thank you for for doing this for me and look what you've helped me with. And I never got to do that and I I just that's a big prayer for me that sudden stage maybe she hears something or sees Facebook or just knows what a difference because that is a huge impact. Yeah I wasn't perfect by any means when I got out because of it but it really really did it.

SPEAKER_00 48:02

It really did it so thank you for understanding that talking talking about that we're you're welcome just like uh my landlord my landlord right now is Tammy Tammy Franklin and she's my landlord she's not we went to prison together we were I mean not went but we were in prison together we worked at the chapel together um we c I came out um I was doing pathway ministries um when I was in in um drug court um DUI court in 2022 21 22 23 um I moved to Houston and I was traveling back and forth going to the Wall Briety meetings and the pathways and and she knew I was gonna move back and um I was telling the ladies in pathways I need a you know I'm looking for a place but my gun charge you know always held me back but I always was in prayer because Father God is the one that could really move mountains. And one day she said Frida I have a house and she told me everything and she I told her I said I'll pray on it. And I and you know uh me and her she introduced me to the um native wings and Melvin and Tammy saw you guys that's that's where I just saw the two of you was that native wings you know they had no idea like I saw Tammy I saw you we all all the things but I did not know that backstory it's so freaking amazing Freena I did not know that oh my gosh it is such a small world yes yes and and you know father God always brings those the women back and and I'm not I'm I'm not dismissing men because brothers are brothers are really a big impact also because it shows that you could have a relationship with having without having being that flirtation and being that old me of I could I could get him or whatever. You know nothing like that. You know I I could I could my healing is where I could see in color I could hear you not just listen to you you know and and to be able to have that the women in my life are the ones that you know even if they have I like to have my circle with the strong roots in the ground and then and then my outer circle with you know with people that I need to help that I know that you know because sometimes when I started with the not the strong roots in the ground I was I was also you I felt like I wasn't healing right the healing that I needed and then the more I get more strong women with the strong roots in the ground and working working because like you said you could be sober but are you sober working your sobriety yeah absolutely and that's real. Yeah it is real and you mentioned that you know probably when you were younger did you have a lot of strong women relationships my mom she was I you know I look back and I and I always say I don't want to be like my mom but in reality I after she passed and even before that you know I would look at her like she was strong. She was a strong woman she knew more than you know and she and and in my aunties I had a a very strong auntie um she was able to teach they her and my uncle I was just talking about them the other day they had a store in Toyock and I was able to go in there and that's where I learned how to do busin a business inventory. And I was I was way young I was like six seven years old you know and they were you know people everywhere I went and even the my men relatives they would you know I I was I would uh know how to cook and clean and and and was taught the traditional way of what we do while we're uh ministrating or you know um when we start start what um what my mom had had us do and when we having our babies as a mother and you know all these different things that we do in our traditional ways and I was taught all that and did that while I was growing up and and passed that on pass that on to my own children while they you know I I I I I was I was um you know um kind of giving them um what what what um what they if you know if they wanted to do it traditionally or whatever because my children are black and my boy my youngest boy is white too so you know race isn't I don't see no color in this world we're all a human race we're all the human race and yes yeah that's what I love so much about Walbriety.

SPEAKER_01 51:54

I I love being able to just have this chat with you and take this time and just kind of talk through some of this stuff because it's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 52:02

It's really amazing yeah and when you said healing inside out that's why my nonprofit is called Morningstar Healing Inside Out because that's it yes that's how I had to heal it was the inside first and not the outside not the outside.

SPEAKER_01 52:17

It is the inside out you have to you really gotta you gotta pick it apart. You gotta you gotta heal from the inside out and um you know when I first got to prison they they did told me I had PTSD told them they were crazy and I was mad about it, fought it, told everybody to fuck off and all the things because I'm like you're just trying to give me a diagnosis and medicate me and control me and you know how we were back then. Just not as radical as my brother likes to say.

SPEAKER_00 52:44

But turns out guess what I had some PTSD and once I finally was like that switch got flipped and I started listening instead of just getting my paper signed right and I was like oh there might be something to this there might be something to that because I thought PTSD was for veterans and I'm like y'all are just trying to tell me some bullshit you know no they weren't they were trying to help me but I wasn't hearing it and I'm so glad that I finally did because it turns out I had some real stuff that I needed to heal right yes yes it was truly from the inside out um I'm so grateful and that was all God that was all God saying you don't know what you don't know sit over there be quiet and learn to listen right it's amazing that healing from the inside out is real yes yes it is yes it is and to have that center you know at one of the meetings I was and listening to one of the brothers talking about the four there's four directions and four you know everything's in four but he said but there's five you know the center and the center is our our higher power our creator Mahi oh you know our father God whoever you decide you know that's your center that's that's that actually that to me that's the core you know just like the earth there's always a core there and and he is he is the one that I stand on you know and um and I give all praise for him because without this without me healing every day because it's an everyday thing not just 30 days 90 days like the treatment center you go to treatment center 30 days 60 days 90 days no this is a lifetime thing you know this is a lifetime because I might bring something up today or tomorrow or yesterday and but am I actually healing this part? You know like with my daughters my daughters got raped when they were five and six from one of my ex-boyfriends and when I was in prison and they told me they didn't want to tell me because I told my children if anybody ever touched you or do anything to you you let me know and I'm gonna kill them and this and that you know wrong thing to ever tell your children because they were scared that they were going to lose me forever because I'm crazy. I'm gonna go kill this dude and this and that and and then I had to learn how and Father God was putting all those classes in prison you know so that when that day came because he knew that I was gonna they were going to say it bring it up which I'm so thankful they did you know and and but you know for me to do that healing they also have to do their healing you know they have to do their healing and and but I was able to start the process of uh doing the charges when I got out the DA came looking knocked at my door when I was living on the east side and said do you still want to try file those charges and I said yes and then his face was aired on the news and he was caught and he's in prison now. Wow that's amazing that long after that's amazing yes wow that's that had to be um healing for your daughters yes they uh there there there's you know there's that uh physical that they really need to there's physical that because that's a breakdown of everything everything when you get um violated of your body I I was grateful that I didn't I I I haven't got that while I was younger but you know growing up and and being in those situations of being drunk. Oh yeah uh hostile and waking up you know uh knowing that I got violated and this and that you know it it it really brings your brings the spirit down.

SPEAKER_01 56:10

Oh absolutely it's you feel like you not worthy loss of control so many things that you have to heal from. I am sorry I got you so off track on your story. It was amazing to go through all that though and and talk all that through with you. It's it's such a small world and it's we're so on the same page and so it's just we could probably just keep on talking but I did not mean to interrupt your story like that.

SPEAKER_00 56:33

No that's that's fine. That is really fine. I do appreciate uh you know hearing other people's storying and what they're with their you know because people uh people we all have that voice and to recover out loud because somebody's gonna hear this and somebody's gonna be like oh man you know like I needed to hear this I needed this you know I need you know just to be able to speak out on things that especially as women hold you know even with our bodies our body changes as we grow older and we don't want to bring it up or tell people because of the shame that we felt when we were younger but you know what to be able to bring things out and let people know hey my body is changing or something's going on with me and and ask for help and and not maybe not even ask for help but um be ha having sisters or brothers there to listen because sobriety is is a is a big a big a big uh it's getting big it's a big movement.

SPEAKER_01 57:29

And so in Oklahoma City the recover out loud so think about in the past it nobody recovered out loud because of shame because of guilt because it's supposed to be anonymous all the anonymity all of those things right that was just the way that it was back then. The difference in recovering out loud it's not some I've heard people say why you got to tell your story why is that it's like that's not you know you bragging or what no it has nothing to do with that it's sharing experiences our hopes and our encouragements and in letting people know it's okay. There's no guilt there's no shame in your game we have to heal it. We've got to heal it so we can move forward and that's why we talk about it. That's why we recover out loud so we can share it and share what works for us right what has worked for us what are some of the things that we have done that work for us and not keep us just in sobriety but keep us in recovery. Those things are so important to get out there and to share with people well briety is one of those things that I we do that at South Coast as you know and that's one of those things I absolutely love. I mean well briety is I love it.

SPEAKER_00 58:40

The talking circle I love the foundation I love all of it it's so just oh my goodness it's amazing if you've never got to try well briety and you're listening I hope that you will I was talking to Nada which is native against drugs and alcohol and I uh I like to take puppet well brieties to different places and then gently hand it over to them softly hand it over gently you know and and to be able to take one into Anadarco and to be able to start my healing process because not only am I healing being there because of all the chaotic life that I went through there also and me having doing things to other people fighting and this and that there I'm able to go back and help and to give back as service work and uh and um I had got uh I got hit by a by a drunk driver in Sharil while I was walking and I got metaflighted to um OU Medical they has they had to resuscitate me twice. And I got to meet this young this granddaughter of the lady that hit me at A Ghana in Anadarco because I was telling my story there and and she said my grandma my grandma passed but she she was so shamed of getting a lady walking and she never knew who I was this lady worked at Riverside as a cook and uh I knew I knew where she worked and stuff and and I and a part of me was like people were like well why can't you go sewer and this and that but in reality I didn't I didn't want to do no hardship on nobody even though I had a hardship put on me by by getting hit. But I was also walking and had um alcohol in my system. I wasn't staggering or anything but I was walking and I should have never been walking on that road and but the only thing was on my mind I was getting to Anadarco because I knew I was going to get beat.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:27

I had to get home my boys were there my bait my girls' dad you know I knew he was going to beat me and I had to get home and I started walking and it was going around a corner you know and I was and she couldn't see she didn't see me going around the corner you know so I just let the young lady you know know that hey it would you know it it was nobody's fault you know it was it was you know even though she was drunk or whatever she might have weaved or whatever but I don't know because she hit me from the back you know I didn't see her coming that could have been us that hit somebody in our day right and so the fact that you met her granddaughter that's not coincidence there right I call that a God incidence that's a God incidence there's no coincidence in that that was healing for you that was healing for her that was being able to talk that situation through I mean that's amazing that's amazing yes wow wow so I graduated drug court I mean DUI court I graduated DUI court and and I just stayed on the track of healing and and got certified in White Bison in 2000 I believe it was 2023.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:34

I thought it was 22 that was my first certificate and now I'm certified a majority of the curriculum but I take my service work I just I I I love to do a lot of service work and I started my nonprofit but I never really got into it because I was going back and forth to Colorado working. So this year I I really you know started it in January and started doing I was already doing the work every time I came here but I'm doing the doing uh more work now you know I I Father God came and said to start off slow because I wanted to jump in and get a big office get this space I could do meetings and you know and he said no you start slow and he's sending me to these different places like in Clinton and and I went to Toyot Colorado Grand Junction to bring well brighty you know to bring help help him because it's not just me you know through him only only everything is possible that I'm able to make a way there and able to get there and and being able to be open because when I didn't have rides to no meetings or rides to here and there you know I could give rides to people because I I got blessed with the car by my my boy my my son Alfred you know he came and he said mom he gave me a car keys he said this is your car and I know you're sober I see it you know I see you doing all this work and I don't want you to break down anywhere and he gave me a car he gave me a car that he got for me you know for for my own child that was so angry at me you know he was so angry that leaving going to prison and you know nobody told my children that their brother passed and he was angry about that he thought that I held that back from them and and it was the people that had him my child tried to get him down there tried to get my children down there and nobody would would let them go. So you know I had to explain to them explain explain it to all my children and show them my paperwork you know I could think paperwork uh everything in black and white is is like a got it's like a really really good thing to have and because if you don't have it if you don't have that black and white or recordings or anything you know what you don't have nothing you're right you have you have there's proof you gotta have proof yes absolutely so you were able to stay sober after you got out of DUI court yes sober and so how long has that been now Frida?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:54

October 14th 2021 is my sobriety date so now that you're clear headed right clear headed and in recovery does that time seem as long as it did you know how we were talking earlier you could lose three years here and use lose some time when you were using but when you're sober like that time matters right it is it's different right it's just your time in this earth is different when you're in recovery and when you're clear headed it's it's just different isn't it yes it is it is and you see when you're when my spirit is aligned with my with my not just my body but with also Mother Earth and to be able to uh see I always say see and color because I s I was seeing in black and white because there was no in between and you know my it was my way or the high way but to be able to uh be able to know that everybody is different because even when I had my children you know I know each and every one of them was different and I taught them differently you know I didn't teach them the same way because they were different they're all different.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:05

We're all uniquely made you know we're all uniquely made and learn differently so and when I do things I try to do many different ways of doing it because somebody's gonna get it one way or another maybe if they don't they can't do it this way then they're they're gonna see another way I'm saying it or doing it because we don't all hear the same or listen the same or see the same or feel the same, taste the same. You know that's why we're uniquely made but but to be able to know that hey if if that person over there is sitting with the mad face or whatever and and I walk by and I could give them a compliment or open the door or carry somebody's groceries out or you know pay for that meal before they get up there and and and they call it pay it forward if I if I'm able to do that and to make somebody's day, you know what that's that's that's something that I'm gonna do, you know, because I I'm blessed and and Father God provides and and I'm gonna I'm gonna do it because I don't I like that uh uh analysation analogy of what what are you gonna spill out if you get bumped? Let's say you're holding your cup of coffee what what's going to come out of that cup of coffee you know is it gonna be next negative or is it going to be positive you know and I want it to be positive you know I know I know I have I have days but I I the more I'm healing the more I'm I'm realizing and the the more the more I'm reading or the more I'm looking at things and and being around those positive people and you know like I was speaking about earlier the more I'm around that the more awareness and the more aware that I I am on the inside you know the more aware and then if I feel some you know I always use the acronym HAL hungry angry lonely and tired you know always look at that and then always I always be mindful of if something's wrong and I know something's wrong, there's something going on in the world out there that I probably need to check on my my children or I'm gonna look at the date and see it might be an anniversary or coming close to anniversary of someone that passed or something happened. And then sometimes it can even be something that happened to me a long time ago, you know because that those those those um those are you know your body knows I went to we went there was a um what is that it's the tour Cheyenne Rapho Tor did a a thing a training not a training but a a summit I believe yesterday did you hear about your body keeps the score did they train on that yes yes my gosh ah that is so I I learned a lot it's so true right our bodies keep the score yes they a hundred percent do all the things that we've been through generationally um all of it in our bodies just know but our bodies could heal our bodies could heal our our mind is the strongest organ in our body and I had a I had a uh when my son passed I I was like wondering you know because uh I remember my baby sister was like um sister he moved you know he moved and uh the doctors were saying that they it's some kind of nerve that happens that they they move and so after he I I always after I started coming back to myself and finding myself I started looking more into setting of the brain and and you know the brain could heal the brain could actually heal our body you know as long as if we keep just like that um Maslow's uh the the water the you know telling ourselves those positive affirmations those positive things in the morning and listen to that good music because sometimes even the negative music could bring our spirit down yeah absolutely music is huge it's huge for recovery it's huge but you got to pay attention to what you're putting in your body and that's not just substances that's mind body soul and that's music that's food that's people that's negativity you have to be careful what you're putting in your body and just just as being advocates you know we I love to go into our traditional sweat lodges you know and and to be able to touch the mother earth to ground myself to walk out there in my bare feet and and I have a sister she loves to give always says go hug a tree go hug a tree you know and it that drill that that neg that that energy you know that energy you you've give yourself and and to be able to know that you know what I can't help everybody you know I can't but if I could be a light for one person and that one person helps the next and the next you know then that's all I could do and thank you gee thank you Lord thank you Jesus for that but you know what I can't take I can't also I can't keep whatever somebody is going through I can't take that home with me I can't keep that in my body because I'm also tearing myself down you know so I'll go into a sweat lodge and I'll touch the ground you know each each uh each round I'll make sure I have my my hands on the ground and touching them while I'm praying or singing and stuff and to be able to come back to that drum and hear it because being Native American it don't matter what percentage you are you know if you hear that drum and you're you're wanting to sing and you're wanting to dance and so that's something that's deep inside you that innate culture that um white bison um Don talks about you know so my mom's dad was full blood Cherokee and so we were never raised with Native American ways my mom they went into foster care when my mom was little so they we were never raised that way but I always wondered growing up why is that in me?

SPEAKER_01 1:10:32

Like why do I gravitate towards that? Why do I gravitate to the drum? Why do I gravitate to music? Why does it make me feel I always wondered and I had literally no idea we were always told that we were Cherokee we didn't know if it was true we weren't really sure but as I got older and began to heal and and some of the things that I was attracted to uh like well variety or just the dancing and the drum circles and the breath work and the sweat like why am I so attracted to that right and I and I it's in you right it's just in you it's in you. Um I I I love that it brings everybody together with just when you sit down in the circle and talking about the different cultures coming together and it's really um it's just such a beautiful beautiful experience it really is and so you've been talking here about some of the things that you do to keep to keep yourself in recovery right if you had to um what would you tell someone and you do this all the time what do you tell people is one of the the main important things for them to do to stay in recovery.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:37

The main thing would be to love yourself. Love yourself and get you a higher power you know they always say the five suggestions of a sponsor reading the book and but you know that that's that that works for some people and some people it don't work for them. But you know when I started loving myself and healing healing because when you speak up and speak it out you lose that control that it had over you and that's and and always know that you're not alone you're not alone out here no matter where you go because all my travels everywhere I went I looked for an AA meeting I looked for a well bridey you know I had to keep that going because I I don't want to be stagnant and I don't want to be complacent. I don't want to forget where I where I started out from because that could happen. That could really happen and money you know even though money they say makes the rogue go around or whatnot but you know what staying humble staying humble for me and to be there you know be there be there but also doing that self-care.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:37

Yeah absolutely right self-care is big and so when you said you were doing that today I was like I'm so proud of her we were taught at once upon a time that you know self-care was like getting the manicure getting your toes done or whatever that's not self-care that's maintenance but self-care is something deeper it's learning to listen to your body and learning to take care of yourself. Maybe you needed to rest today maybe you needed a hot bath maybe you needed to go outside and ground maybe you needed music it's learning to listen to what you need and saying you know what um I know some things I could do today but I need to take a break. My body says rest and I need to honor that that self-care that's true self-care is honoring yourself honoring your body and that's loving yourself. That is truly loving yourself and doing that it's not selfish. It's not selfish to take some time for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:25

It is much needed it is much needed so thank you for sharing that because that's that's really real yeah and and to be able to have those prayers you could sing and be in prayer you could they say that the highest form of prayer is tears you know you could praise God you you don't have to oh I don't know how to pray I don't know how to pray like that person. No just talking talk to him like you're talking to me. That's just prayer you know but prayer is a big thing for me.

Nonprofit Work Rides Safe Houses Closing

SPEAKER_01 1:13:54

It's conversation with God right and that's something that people ask a lot I feel like I just talked about this with someone it's something someone people in early recovery early sobriety in treatment asked a lot in my group room I don't know how to pray. I don't know what that looks like I don't know what that means. When we say let's pray everybody will put their head down it starts out dear Lord or dear something and people are like I don't know how to do that. Well the the beauty of this is you don't have to do that. All you have to do is conversate with your friend conversate with your father conversate with the universe the creator lord what however you feel comfortable it's just a conversation that's all it is really really sitting down and having a conversation a peaceful loving conversation um and just talking it out just talking things out that's that's a form of prayer. So thank you for saying that that's really big. So at you you created your nonprofit and you're working that now is that how you're able to do your pop-ups is that how you're are you incorporating it all in that?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:57

Sometimes I do depending but I don't I I don't I'm using and you know I use my own money but it's not all about the money and it's not all about it's all about just helping others. You know that I'm in I'm in this for helping others but um I'm also done I I um I've done I help people get enrolled in their tribes or help them find lawyers to um for their children, especially through BIA courts. I give a lot of rights to um safe houses. If um Palomar or different companies call up and need help could send somebody to a safe house whether it be a man or a female a m a male or a female and you know I do a lot of different things out there. You know I I do more mentorship than sponsorship. But uh you know I do I do I work with the NAACP. You know I help um help people if they do have a wrongful um situation with the police and they need help I send them there and get them connected and and if if they need help of resources or you know like for food pantries and different things or or what happened to me if I know people that you know just different things they'll contact me and ask me Frida can you help us on this and you know I'm like I I don't discriminate on the color the race religion you know it I'm open to everything and uh the pop-ups I do them because I want I want I the God had came and said you know your healing is to help others heal too like they say when I heal you heal heal when you heal I heal. So to be able just to take a pop-up somewhere let's start a pop-up you want to you want a pop-up we could do it we could do it every other week and now they're now like Anadarco they're doing it every week starting next week so that's a to be able to just start one you know to be able to just start well briety and meetings even if it was A A N A you know but but I I do a lot of more well briety and you know and and and I do go to my AA's and and and go to NA every once in a while but you know I I I my my walk is through my traditional ways but I also connect with other people that are non-native you know and if we want to go to an AA meeting then let's go to go to an AA meeting you know but to be able to uh do those pop-ups is is something that it's not only helps me spiritually but it's helping others helping others to it's way different way different uh being in a circle and connecting in that circle and even if they don't want to smudge or nothing or you know to be able to uh everybody's got that culture that innate culture within them no matter what color no matter what race you are you know everybody says well white people this white people that but you know what they have a culture too that there's Irish there's there's Russia there's people you know there's a culture there that there's something went wrong they have intergenerational trauma like we all do every one of us have intergenerational trauma so I I always you know talk talk about that that it's not just Native Americans and you know I don't I'm not the one to say I only like helping my native women my native men no I like to help all human races human races we're all in this together yeah we're all in this together and I and if you need help if you need a ride or something you know I give back I love to give back I love to do my service work and because I've been there I've been there with no help I've been there too prideful to ask for help so when I reach out hey don't don't worry you know I I've been there you know I don't have to say don't be put your pride down you know if when when people would tell me don't be doing this don't be doing that I went even harder yeah oh yeah don't tell me not to do it that's silly yeah yeah absolutely well it's so nice I mean I love that those are great services Frida that that you're helping with those are those are beautiful things if you've never been in a domestic violence situation before and it's real hard to understand but sometimes it's the little thing somebody coming to get you and give you a ride to a safe house helping someone do that is honestly that's their miracle that night and and it's much needed.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:03

So thank you for that service. That's really really beautiful that you're doing that and that's so helpful so amazingly helpful. That that's very much needed and someone can call you directly for that or do you get calls through a service for that?

SPEAKER_00 1:19:17

No they call me directly they'll call me directly and you know uh confidentiality is a very big thing for me. Right. But um yeah and to be able to uh I'm doing this uh I'm being a doing a a group at the retreat in Colorado at the sober retreat and it's on domestic violence. I forgot what the title but I know the ending is surviving the storm is the ending. I love that you know to be able to talk about it too because that's the pink elephant that we carry around in our homes that people don't ever talk.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:49

Absolutely absolutely and it's it's it's more widespread than people actually understand or think. We see the worst cases of it but we don't see the daily right the daily so really thank you for that service. If I would have known that that was available at times in my life maybe I would have reached out you know maybe I would have called someone it's that pride that pride that kept that kept me not reaching out for sure. Um in it and it we don't need to have that do we if we can if we can lay that down and just learn to ask for help that's huge. That's really huge. Well thank you so much for coming on tonight and just talking I know we veered off many different ways and but I loved it. I loved every bit of what we talked about. I think it was fantastic and just thank you for everything that you're doing. Thank you for loving yourself. Thank you for going on your healing journey because that's truly yes we love ourselves and yes we help ourselves but we can help so many people so many more people when we're healing ourselves too you know and and taking that out there. I I like to say connection is the opposite of addiction and we're all in this together. And that's absolutely the truth and it doesn't matter honestly if you're an addict or not an addict connection is still helpful and healing doesn't it's not just addicts that need healing it's all of us. We all are healing from something right we're all healing from something. So don't ever feel like if something says sobriety or recovery you can't come you can. If you're led to come you know if you feel like this my place tonight just come because truly truly we're all in this together and we're all trying to heal. So thank you for that and thank you for for saying that as well about we are the human race and and bringing it all together. It's truly what we need to do. I just I felt like this was really beautiful tonight. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:34

Yes thank you for inviting me on and I do appreciate it. Absolutely