Does your dog love you because you trained it to?

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Yemi: Okay, let's talk about something that I shared on Instagram, and my goodness was I brave, because It was a messy thought and I am about to try it again here on this podcast in the hope that is just a little bit more linear, even though I love the idea of non linearity, i. e. things don't need to happen or be told in a sequence for us to get an understanding of the story.

[00:01:04] But I can appreciate why the complexity of what I'm about to talk about needs to just have a level of coherence. So in that vein, I'm going to start off by asking for your grace and your forgiveness as there's a possibility I'm going to say some things that might activate you and it might activate you in a way that you associate it with me and therefore might not like me by the end of this.

[00:01:31] And as I've said before, there are some people I don't like. But I still love them, and I'm hoping that, oh no, you might still love me at the end of this. I explained that I was listening to a podcast where there was this divorce lawyer who was explaining that 57 percent of marriages end up in divorce, and of those, um, marriages that haven't, um, sustained or been successful according to status of society, 84 percent of us decide to get remarried.

[00:02:07] And so there is something in the constitution of marriage or the symbol it holds that has us want to go back into it. And we all have different reasons. And in this guy's, um, interview, this was with Stephen Bartlett, Dariava's CEO, he explains the love between a person and their dog and how beautiful it is.

[00:02:28] And I found myself for the at least 30th time in my lifetime say, why do people keep on making references to their dogs as the love that is had? And can we not have that level of unconditional love with our partners? And the thing that came up in my mind when I was listening to this is, well, you've kind of conditioned your dog to love you.

[00:02:54] I know. Ouch. If you just take those sentences alone, it will sting. So let me just break this down a bit, and I would love for you to give me your thoughts and your comments, um, either in any format that you have access to, wherever you're listening this to, or by all means, come into my inbox, my Instagram inbox, and I'd love to know your thoughts.

[00:03:16] Now, I had a dog when I was much younger, don't know much about having dogs now in adult life, things may have changed, but having spent time and been in relationships with people who have had dogs, there's certain things that I've seen that allows me to query this and ask the question. And FYI, I do not know everything, but I, you know, I think I'm semi reasonable and like the idea of bringing things to the table for curiosity.

[00:03:43] But when people get a dog, they usually get a dog trainer. So you're already training a dog. And we are teaching them the very things, I know this is very closely linked to children, but we are teaching them the rights and wrongs of how things should be. We very much do suggestive behavioural training, similar to what Sigmund Freud would have done with ringing of the, of the bell, um, And was it called Pavlov's dogs?

[00:04:09] And they start salivating because they had associated food with the ringing of the bell. But going back to the dogs, the fact that there are a series of things that you as the dog owner and I, I guess their favorite human, which I am not, I'm not contesting at all. I see the love between a dog and its owner and it's a beautiful thing.

[00:04:31] But if we're going to be radically honest, have you trained your dog? to do the things they do that make you love them unconditionally and that make them love you unconditionally. And so for us to expect that we can have something similar in our relationships must mean surely that we are expected to control, question mark, train our partners that has us love them unconditionally and vice versa.

[00:05:10] Let's just pause and see where that lands with us. Now this has come up because I guess I just want, I just, I want to challenge and effectively quash the idea that we can have the same type of love. Because I also shared in this, it was quite lengthy. It was a seven minute reel. I mean, who has time for that?

[00:05:37] Um, where I say number of times, mainly in Australia and the U S when I see people walking their dogs, these dogs just want to be fucking free. Usually they're on a leash. I know that you've got some free dog parks, but usually they're on a leash, and this is to keep them in order. This is to make sure they stay in their lanes.

[00:05:56] And, sometimes when they wander off, I love it when I can see their owners. Just like, let them wander, and let them explore and sniff. But honestly? 8 to 9 times out of 10, the owner is kind of either gently or sometimes sadly, harshly yanking the leash to get the dog to move on. So in an ideal world, that dog would wander potentially indefinitely depending on age and other issues or just temperament of the dog.

[00:06:25] So it's a training now. Would we want to do that with our partners? Would, would we? Um, and on the post, someone came in and said that a mediator once declared that in order to have the perfect marriage, and I'm paraphrasing here, that there does have to be some elements of control. Do we agree to that? I mean, humans, we are some of the most unpredictable species, she says, without any deep knowledge of comparison to any other species.

[00:07:04] And I think that's part of the reason why we've brought in AI, because these factories that are just trying to churn shit out day in, day out, are like, these motherfucking humans are not giving us the output we want. And since we can't bring slavery back, let's bring AI. And I say that kind of off the cuff, but there is truth in the micro and the macro.

[00:07:32] Your dog is who they are because you have influenced and trained them. And hopefully most of you have done it with as much love as possible. Some of you have rescued dogs. We know that there are people who treat them really mean. And so there's always gratitude and love for the person who comes to effectively save them.

[00:07:59] But can we name that so that we can start comparing the right things? And can we have that kind of love? between two, three, however many people that form a relationship. The next part of my soliloquy on Instagram, I put differently, but I'm going to say it now as I see it.

[00:08:28] Whenever I have seen people walk dogs every now and again, I get a remembering, a painful remembering. of slavery, the stories that have been told through generations, the stories that have been told through movies. And of this condition, which I don't really care to remember the word, so I'm not going to beat myself up for not remembering it, but there was a condition as much as a disorder or a mental health issue that a doctor I'm sure no doubt was a white male, but I could be wrong, who came up with this mental illness that suggested that should a slave try to escape, there must be something wrong with them, i.

[00:09:14] e. they must be mentally ill. Because after all, why would you want to escape your master who, I don't know, is giving you access to this amazing life where you eat food, Of course, very different quality to what the master eats. Um, you have a roof of over your head. I know it's different now, but. You know, usually very different dwellings and doesn't probably look as comfortable or you know, maybe let's even take comfort out just isn't the same as what the master has.

[00:09:51] Um, allows you to bring in kids into the family. Um, and when I say family, just into the family to, I don't know, do more slave things. That condition was real and it was put out there. I mean, us humans, we, we will, we will justify anything to make it feel right. And part of my, part of this podcast and part of my mission is for us to be curious, but the rebelliousness of it must start with ourselves.

[00:10:19] What is it that we have normalized that at the moment appears to be working really well for us, of which one is having dogs and other pets. however, we don't admit that we have actually willingly or unwillingly signed up to a way of being that if it was to be replicated in any other walk of life would create serious harm like slavery, like making a people do things.

[00:10:54] Without fair pay, equity, equality. Actual harm and classified as a good slave on the premise they do not try to run away or be free.

[00:11:11] It just, it just feels too close for me.

[00:11:21] And there's going to be discomfort in what I'm saying, depending where you sit on all the spectrums. And so I'm really intrigued to know your thoughts, because the other thing that I'm going to put in, and I'll probably keep this one short, because I don't think I've sat with the ponderings, is domestic violence.

[00:11:48] And the fact that there is a lot of coercion and control But because as humans we are significantly more complex and might not respond to the bell or to the feeding or the rewarding through snacks when the dog shakes your hand or we can get them to do a trick to make our friend happy at how well they respond to your orders or your pleas.

[00:12:15] But when a person doesn't do what you what we appear to be able to get dogs to do, that's where the conflict happens. This is significantly more coherent than I thought it would be. And so I really want to know what came up for you. I am not leaving this with any answers or solutions other than radical honesty will also get us there.

[00:12:44] Radical honesty with no shame, Probably need to find something else in this, but no shame. What is coming up for you? Talk to me. I hope you still like me, and even if you don't, I love you.