Special Brownie

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Transcript

0:34

Hi podcast fam. I'm currently recording this from my hotel room in Phoenix, Arizona, and so there might be a bit of background noise. Part of decolonizing trauma is unsubscribing from this notion of being perfect. So we may not be able to edit all the background noise, but I trust you will give me grace as I continue to give others the same. Special brownie? What a title. So I'm going to cut to the chase real quick. I found myself in a situation where I got given an edible. I am so green that I can't see. I didn't fully know what an edible was and how it manifests in the body, i. e. how long it takes a brownie that has been baked with love, no doubt, and the active ingredient, ingredient, can't even speak properly, ingredient that is found in cannabis, is it TCH, THC? This is how green I am. I got offered this, the truth is I knew there was something in it, but me being someone who has never done any drugs, I know shock horror, I'm from South London, Brixton, and for all the gangster moves I think I have, I've never done any drugs. The most intoxicated I've ever been was, I don't know, four glasses of wine, and on average I probably have one glass of wine every three to six weeks. Like, I wouldn't say I'm a control freak, but I like to be in control of my faculty and my senses, which is why when I did ayahuasca plant medicine a couple of years ago for the first time, this was my biggest fear. Will I be out of control? And I can tell you that I was not out of control during the plant medicine, which was done in ceremony and sacredness. Definitely felt a few things. But I still felt in control, and I always wanted to do that kind of plant medicine for my own personal, spiritual and soulful growth. Being Offered. a special brownie without really knowing the impacts that it could have on me or the fact that once it's in your system, you can't kind of eat a slice of bread to soak up whatever it's doing. And trust me, I apparently was asking for bread and anything that could take this away. So I really was unaware and I don't know whether this will mean anything to anyone. I don't think it was a big piece y'all, but that plus any alcohol I would have had. completely took me out of my comfort zone and I freaked out. Now, why has it made it to this podcast? Because I'm still traumatized. Not as much. This happened a couple of weeks before doing this recording and I, without wanting to give a masterclass on what an edible will do to you if you've never done drugs, because I'm definitely not going to hold that experience, we are all different. But what came up for me was actually one of my worst fears. And this is a highly vulnerable podcast. And I am Assuming that for you to be engaged with me, my work, this podcast, you are here to sit in this comfort and get curious about yourself. And I really want to acknowledge you and honor you for coming with me on this journey of exploration, curiosity, but my goodness, collective liberation in the same time and same breath. But what I experienced when I had that edible. was forms of paranoia. But this is what came up for me. The biggest thing was I was in disbelief and very uncomfortable that the edible had had that much impact on me, that I was pretty confident I was losing control. And what it felt was happening was I would do something. And almost like someone had taken away time, I would find myself back in my body, but I know I left my body, because the concept of time no longer existed. I couldn't understand how one minute my head was facing left. And then what felt like anything from a few seconds to potentially a few hours, my head was now facing right. So for me, I had gotten lost within that time frame. Now I know some of you might be listening to this who maybe have dealt with drugs and shit. I don't judge you. Trust me. I just don't want that impacting me. So I was I was scared that this was happening to me and it turns out that there were now gaps in my physical timeline. And I was in an environment where most of the people were white. And the fear that had been buried really deep in my subconscious, that I truly believe is actually tied more to my ancestors or intergenerational trauma. Because on the surface level, I think I've been handling that pretty well. I truly felt that. A good couple of years ago that this wasn't an issue, like I know there's inequality, I know of the history and slavery and the continued oppression of black and brown people. And as we're now seeing in the world, it's just oppression full stop, but in different, like, grades. So I, I knew that. Intellectually, emotionally, I knew that, but I didn't know how unsafe I feel in predominantly white spaces. Oh, just saying this is just, I'm just having the downloads that are saying, but hold up Yemi. You do know it's the reason why you go into a room, you're looking for a black or brown person. And then when you see them, you're relaxed. You do know when you get on onto an airplane and you're looking for a black or brown person. It's so that you can be a bit more relaxed. So those little things that I'd been doing subconsciously, I didn't quite realize was part of a narrative that says, actually your body is quite tense when you're in these spaces. So when I had this brownie, which was vegan and delicious. I fucking lost my mind. Like, I can't even say that as a figure of speech. I lost my mind because I was dealing with a couple of things. Firstly, why did no one fucking tell me that it was this much and was going to feel this intense for this long? Two, I'm tripping out so bad. Anybody could do anything to me. And although I met most of these people, When I felt in full control and faculties and had all my faculties in place, I still know that, yeah, no sound strong. I still feel that they will not have my best interests at heart, especially if my defenses are down. And with that battle of trying to find out whether what had just happened was real, Or a figment of my imagination during this trip, those that were caring for me were of the white race and they were beautiful souls now that I'm out of it, but in that time I thought, are you, are you here to take advantage of me while, while I'm low, because I share this in some sort of attempt to integrate, reintegrate what that experience did for me, which really does suggest I have more work to do. on integrating and healing this ancestral wound because it got to the point that I was, I was asking, how do I know you're not going to harm me? And that comes yes, from history, but comes from the experience I had in my ayahuasca ceremony. The first time ever, the differences I was being held in sacred energy. I was with community. And I knew through some form or another just how this was going to work through my system. So to have been taken out of that environment and getting the beginnings of a similar feeling of plant medicine ceremony, but not with any knowledge of how this was going to work through my body, not with any sacred intention, but loud music and drinking. I was scared. So scared that I completely split my mind between thinking these thoughts of I'm not safe here with these white people around to, yeah, me for fuck's sake, don't say that out loud because they are the ones who are with you right now. That battle between these two thought processes of which I'm pretty confident I had like 10 thought processes. Was harrowing. And as I speak out this podcast now, I know that that's part of my conflict. Is that I'm living in a world, in spaces that yes, I have many, many, many privileges, but the one I do not have is my skin tone, which I have no intentions of hiding, but constantly puts me, or I feel constantly puts me at risk. Constantly has me at dis ease, and I know that this isn't everybody. I know that if you're a white person listening, there might be real major forms of this discomfort. Stay with me, because not only are you bearing witness to maybe some of my trauma, I promise you, you can find anything in you where you feel unsafe in certain spaces. Peace. That you may not realize that you've just been subconsciously doing things to make yourself feel safe, but you've never really had the chance to look through it and therefore heal it. Please don't wait till you have an edible brownie. For you to just figure out how deep this wound is. The next time you get those little signs and invitations, look a bit deeper and see if you can actually unpack that wound. In a sacred space. And one of those sacred spaces is in my upcoming sessions called liberate. I'll put the details in the show note because I know people will listen to this in the coming weeks, months and years and this is going to be an ongoing role, but if you are listening to this between August and December of 2024, a number of cohorts are going to be invited with the sacred space of unpacking these things, which I will hold space for you and grace for us to unpack some of the things that are actually not ours, but we've inherited because one part I want to integrate is to feel safe, amongst everybody. And although there might be the odd times that someone might trigger that safety, I want my body to know that those two angels who looked after me, one man, one woman, that they weren't seeing my race that day. They were seeing a scared woman who felt out of control and her level of Insecurity and paranoia grow, grew, and they were not offended by the things that were coming out of my mouth, but continued to hold space. Because when I integrate, I start to heal some of those ancestral wounds. Which has me feeling very emotional now. I needed this. This particular episode was for me. And I'm hoping it was for you too. As always, Love, light and healing. But most importantly, I love me and I love you.