Life n Death

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Yemi: All life has a way of humbling you down.

[00:00:46] That just felt right to do.

[00:00:50] Because I like singing. Well, I used to. It helps me clear my throat chakras. And I've been having more people of late say, Yemi, why don't you include singing into your keynotes? And, I'm like, yeah, don't be the weird person on stage who does that. But I think that's my own judgment. And this space felt safe to, to do that.

[00:01:16] So may you receive that in whichever way you want. And if you're judging me, fuck you. Uh, joking, not joking. So what do I want to talk about today? I want to talk about death. My grandmother passed away about a week before recording this. My grandmother is the only woman in my family matriarchal line who showed me a matriarchal love that I've been used to seeing and experiencing in the western world, i.

[00:01:59] e. I have grown up knowing that you are loved. Because, if there was ever any trouble, your family's got your back. But, we're not necessarily saying I love you. Definitely not hugging. But my grandmum would embrace. She would do my hair. She would cook. I lived with her. don't know how long for. I'm still pieces in a lot of my, well, earlier years together.

[00:02:29] I think it was anywhere from, some people say six months, but she's pretty confident it was six years. That's a lot. And I was with her from a young age, six months. Um, you know, part of my full name is Yemisi. And I don't know between her and my mom, they would call her Iye Yemisi. So I call my grandmum Iye.

[00:02:54] And to say that she had a love for me that I needed, um, is an understatement. She's also hilarious, a savage, a businesswoman, just personified gangster. And I share this in Not in jest, but I share it in a deep sense of gratitude that I got to see her a couple of months ago. You know, seven, eight months ago, I was in Nigeria with my siblings and my nieces and nephews to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday.

[00:03:36] And I took my kids and it was the first time in forever that we were all in the same space. And so being in Nigeria, although my grandmommy was in a different state, I was able to take my kids to go see their great grandma. And I'm so glad we did that. And so my heart feels joyful. more joyful than it was when my dad passed because that's what this is about.

[00:03:57] What is it that death does that cracks us open? What are some of the indigenous cultural, and when I say cultural, I mean, because I think we all have culture and sometimes it can get very confused with race because we all have culture and some people have just lost it, I think, um, or not been in touch with it for way longer than others.

[00:04:23] But what is it that death does, but it cracks us wide open. And so with my dad, I didn't really get that sense. I didn't really get to check in on him often. I didn't really pay him the time, respect and love that in hindsight, I wish I had done. And as I continued to do the work to forgive myself for that, I knew that when the opportunity arose, I wasn't going to waste it.

[00:04:51] I was going to get on whatever rickety plane or boat to go and see my grandmum. And the pictures captured while we met her just, they make me smile. I can't stop smiling because we got to see her and spend time with her. And she got to cook for us. I know she, she like feeding us. Um, And I'm so grateful for the life she had.

[00:05:23] And in her passing, I find myself thinking, where does my sadness come from? Because I know we're all gonna die, right? You know they say there are two things we know for sure, that we're all gonna die, and we don't know when. And that's a big reason why I live my life like it's golden. Come in Jill Scott.

[00:05:46] Sorry, it's a Jill Scott song if you don't know. I live my life like it's golden. I think many times before I make a decision that will completely alter my freedom to live life. Now there are some things I need to do that allow me to live the life I'm living and although I don't like it all the time, I acknowledge it's part of the sacrifice that I make.

[00:06:13] But I truly live that if I was given the opportunity to know when I was going to die, there wouldn't be much I would do different. And I feel so very blessed and privileged to be in that position. But having experienced two close deaths, my dad, who was in his 70s, and my grandmum in her 90s, it's this idea that I'm still sad and I get it, loss.

[00:06:45] You know, I truly believe that we can reach our loved ones in the other realm. I think it depends on how they have transitioned. I think it depends on our ability to be open. Part of decolonizing trauma is also looking at grief, looking at death, looking at the different cultures rather than this one dominant narrative.

[00:07:06] Can we stay open? And if we stay open, what magic is possible? Because the bit that makes me sad is I now realize, having had my dad pass, and now my grandmom was, I wish I could just be by their side while they were taking their last breath. So that they could leave this world knowing how loved they are.

[00:07:30] And then the decolonizing part of me says, what makes you think they didn't already know that? And then the other part of me says, how come we couldn't be there for her, the way she was for her mother? So my great grandmother lived till she was 101, or was it 104? My grandmother, like I said, was a gangster.

[00:07:55] Despite not going to school, she knew how to calculate her money. And her money stacked up, so she bought land. She built a big ass property on a compound that has a well and sells water. And within that property she built, there are a number of different, like, units that people rent. And one of those units, her mum lived in.

[00:08:17] My great grandmum. And I remember her, I remember her fondly. My grandmum They lived in the same house. You know, I know this isn't just common in the Nigerian culture, so many other cultures, because there's this other culture where, okay, it's time to put your parent in a home. It's time to use the money you are earning from your job to pay somebody else to look after your parent.

[00:08:50] And I don't want to throw shade on that because a lot of us feel we don't have a choice. And that's part of the sorrow is. What happened that we couldn't calculate how my siblings and I, my mum, my auntie, and anyone else could figure out, okay, let's just assume she's only going to be around for another two, three, four, five years.

[00:09:19] Could we have spent more time with her so that the care she gave to us, having raised me for quite a crucial part of my life, having raised my daughter for a year, having helped me look after my son? For a couple of weeks before we moved to Australia. Could we have done more? Can we do more? Can we go back to a different future?

[00:09:49] That has us maybe be more joyful when death happens because we were so present when we were living. Is it unrealistic?

[00:10:07] Oh, yeah. Yeah, I needed to. I needed to give that a place to land. And so, don't leave me here on my own. Let me know what comes up for you. I will be launching Liberate very soon, and taking on a waitlist if it's already started by the time you hear this announcement. But come in, join the community. Let's learn and grow.

[00:10:40] And for those of us who are wanting to impact the world while we get to know more about who we are, this is one of those great platforms. So I'll put that in the show note, but Liberate is an eight session program where we get to be curious, think liminally, make sure that we release as much trauma from the body because it keeps the score, but we also get to tap into the wisdom that is along our lineage.

[00:11:09] And let's reconnect to our culture, regardless of where you sit on the race spectrum.

[00:11:20] As death continues to happen, and as I sit in a generation of being a millennial, Am I a millennial or am I gen x? I am a millennial. Where we will start to experience more lusses. Let that just be a beautiful and gentle reminder to keep living fully in every moment. I hope to see you in the Liberate community.

[00:11:42] As always, I love you. Truly, I do.