133 ~ Complain Your Way To Clarity (Tool Box Episode)

What if your most persistent complaints could be used as a compass pointing to what you truly want... We invited listeners into a playful “complainathon” and turned it into a playful practice for clarity, calm, and follow-through. Rather than making venting wrong, lets make it fun and purposeful. Let's capture every gripe on paper or in a voice note and treat it as data about desire. Then for each line, we ask, “Is this within my control?” Yes/No answers with no story.

When the answer is no, we explore surrender and acceptance as active choices. You stop arguing with the weather or other people’s personalities and reclaim energy for what you can influence: planning, layering, boundaries, or redesigning your day. When the answer is yes, we step into integrity. Want warmth? Dress for it. Want more peace? Change your inputs, make a clear request, or skip the thing. Integrity here means keeping small promises to yourself so your life begins to match your stated desires.

Along the way, we share examples from daily life, from winter fatigue to family pressure, and show how resentment often melts when you sort control from projection. Tools include a full complaint brain dump, a strict control check, surrender practices and simple integrity practices. Behind every complaint lives a desire. Name it, choose surrender or integrity, and watch you get to be the person that has their desires.

If this toolbox helped you, share it with a friend. Use the following highlights as themes to chat with your friends and create a stronger connection. You can talk about:

• The "complainathon" practice
• why/do complaints reveal hidden wants
• step one complaint brain dump across life domains
• step two control check with yes or no only
• surrender and acceptance when control is absent
• integrity and follow-through when control is present
• converting resentment into clear requests or boundaries
• turning knowing into embodied daily choices
• how behind every complaint there is a desire

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

On the Desire is Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked being responsible for our desire.

Introducing Toolbox Episodes

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Welcome back, listeners and friends and loved ones. We are so happy that you're here with us. Hello, this is Brenda, and I am joined by my lovely co-host, Catherine. And today we are super excited to bring you a toolbox episode. What is a toolbox episode? Oh my God, they're so good. Toolbox episodes are mini episodes that help you play with desire. We have so many of them. They're sprinkled throughout, and I highly recommend you go back and look for them. A little hint is they have a white cover. So when you see the white cover on Apple or Spotify or wherever you listen, you know it's a toolbox episode, which gives you some little way to play with desire because Catherine and I talk about so much here, so much juicy stuff. And so this just helps you kind of chew on it and digest it and bring more desire into your life. So, all of that being said, we have a juicy toolbox for you today. And I'm going to turn it over to my beautiful co-host to continue from here.

The Complainathon Idea

SPEAKER_01 2:43

Thank you so much, Brenda. So, listeners, I just want to tell you that I attempted to open this episode and then I started dying laughing because I could not remember how to introduce a toolbox. I actually think Brenda does such a good job. So thank you, Brenda. And so I wanted to kind of bring you in on a little thing, a little background on the toolbox. The reason why it's even called a toolbox is because it's like, what tool do I have to help me through this thing that I am going through? We did a whole embodiment series. I don't remember when, but a while back. I'm sure Brenda can put it in the chat for me or unmute and let me know. But we did this embodiment series and we were sort of talking about how do you move from what's happening in your head to it's actually embodied and it's something that you practice. So, you know, you can read a book about swimming, you can read a book about how do you brush your teeth, but you don't really brush your teeth until you're brushing your teeth. You're not really swimming by reading about swimming, you're swimming because you're swimming. That's how we see toolboxes. Toolboxes here, they're sprinkled throughout the podcast, but it's they have different themes. And technically, it's for you to be able to play with desire. How do you stoke your own desire? How do you get closer and closer to what you want? The reason why today's so cool is because Brenda and I were talking about, oh, we've done a few episodes. We don't, we haven't dropped the toolbox. What would be a good one? I was like, well, I mean, we kind of as a society love to complain. How cool would it be if we could just create something that involves involves complaining? Like, can't we just complain for a while? Like a complainathon. And I think that's what we're looking at today. It's not really, I think. That is what we're doing today. That toolbox is going to give you full permission to complain a lot.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Wait, we get to complain today. Today we're complaining.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

Today we're complaining.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

I love that. And by the way, that's episode 107, bridging the gap between knowing and doing about the embodiment.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Ooh, thank you for jumping on with that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Yes, I welcome. I love that. I wouldn't want anyone to complain that we didn't drop it.

How To Capture Complaints

SPEAKER_01 4:51

So good. The truth is, complaining is so easy. It's like, I don't like this side of the bed. I don't like when the sun hits me in the face when I'm sleeping. I want to have an eye mask. There's all these preferences. I can complain about all the things that I don't like. And we have talked about complaint from the place of, well, just take responsibility for what you want and let's create it, what you want. But I decided, we decided, okay, how can we create something around it? So here you are, you're going to join us. And the practice is going to be basically you and your recorder, your phone recorder. You can use an AI tool like untold, or you could just use plain old pen and paper or your voice note. Those are three options for yourself. You can voice note into untold, it will put it into a script or any AI generator of your choice. And you can see it visually. Oh, these are all the things because it'll type it out for you. Or you can do it like the caveman way for me and Brenda. We are both beyond 50. You grab a pen and a paper, we can script it out. We're not just pencil it out, or I guess, uh, what would it just handwriting, right? Handwritten.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

Good old-fashioned handwriting. That's right. It's the new cool.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

It's the new cool. It really is. No typing required. You can, I guess you can do it on your computer too. Another way here for you to sort of dump out, brainstorm your complaints. I don't like, I don't like, I don't like, I hate, I hate, I don't like, I'm upset that I'm pissed that like all the things. I don't like that it's been rainy for days. I don't like that my partner's not doing what I want. I don't like it when my mom asked me, how come I'm not married yet? Or when my mom asked me because I don't have kids yet, or my boyfriend keeps asking me to do the dishes or whatever you're complaining about. Let's just, do you have some top of mind, Brenda? You're looking at me with your eyes open.

Step One: Brain Dump

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Oh, was I rolling my eyes over here? I'm just thinking about all the things that all the other people in my life don't do that I could complain about. I mean, I think the biggest one that I hear people complaining about right now is the weather. Uh, we're on the Northeast, Catherine and I are in New York. It's been so cold, so snowy, so cold, so snowy. And yeah, it's beautiful, but I'm also kind of over it. It's just so cold. So I won't go into my complaints, but I hear a lot of people complaining about that right now.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

We can complain about anything. So the practice is you choose your documentation of choice, whether it is an AI voice, AI text, your own text, your own typing, but something that's going to capture everything that you are uncomfortable with, everything that you dislike, everything that you don't like, everything that you hate, everything that's not going your way, all the things. Just complain, complain, complain, complain, complain to your heart's desire.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

All the things. Can we include all the things that other people are doing that are annoying to us? I don't like how this person did this.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

I don't like how that person did that. I don't like that.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

If only he would, if only she would, if only he didn't. All of it, people.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

My life would be so much better if they all just did what I wanted. All those things.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

They really would.

Step Two: What’s In My Control

When It’s Not In Control: Surrender

SPEAKER_01 8:19

So we're gonna list complaints. That's the first step. The next step after the whole thing is that we're gonna go line by line by line and ask myself this is step two. Is this something that I can truly control? So for example, if I am upset at the weather and I'm like, Mother Nature is not is doing me wrong, I can complain because I actually had a pipe burst in my wall and I had no heat on and off for like 15 days. I could be really pissed at her right now and say she should not have, or the pipe should not have. And the question for me is, is that actually in my control? That's step two. And that question does not have a story attached to it. It's not because Mother Nature doesn't like me or because I'm not chosen by God. It's there's no story, it's just it's either yes, it's in my control, or no, it is not in my control. That's it. Those are the two options. Yes, no. So I'm gonna use that example. Am I in control of the weather? In my ideal world, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I don't really actually want that responsibility. But regardless of what I would imagine in my head, the truth is that it's actually not in my control. It is a flat no. So when I hit a no, the next step beyond the no is that there is surrender. I must surrender. What that means is I have to lean towards acceptance. Often when I can't control something, when we cannot control something as a society, what we try to do is blame other people, make them responsible for the thing that we can't control and we know they can't control. So I could, in my case, blame the four man, the plumber, the construction guy, the heating person, the I could blame someone else for the things that occurred, take it away from mother nature, give it to somebody else, put it on a person and blame them. Or I could stay out of the story, understand that that is not in my control. Step two, it is not in my control, it is a no. So I must surrender, surrender my desire to control it, and go into acceptance of what is. That means that the cold weather is not in my control. I must accept that that is what is occurring. And then is there anything that is in my control? Well, acceptance is in my control. That's the cuckoo part about it. That is my that's what's in my control. Acceptance, surrender is what will bring me back into sort of homeostasis or back into balance. Brenda.

Acceptance And Action Options

SPEAKER_00 11:36

We have a new feature here. I could raise my hands, and Catherine just saw me raise my hands. So, what I would do here, I love this, is acceptance. After that, I would ask myself, what can I do inside of acceptance? So, for example, with the cold weather complaint, do I want to plan a trip? Do I need to buy warmer boots? Or maybe I want to plan a movie weekend where I just stay in and cook and watch movies because it's so cold out. So, what can you do? That's always an option. It's actually a very powerful option at any time.

When It Is In Control: Integrity

From Complaints To Desire

Closing And Share Request

SPEAKER_01 12:13

100%. What can you do? That is within your control. Like, what can you actually control? What can you do? So we have our brain dump, our complaint dump, our complaint tally, all those, then we go line by line, we choose one. I don't like the cold or whatever else that is. Choose your own, insert your own, ask yourself, is this within my control? If the answer is no to that step two, then we are then in surrender and in acceptance. And then within that acceptance, one of the questions you want to be leaning towards, what can I do? What actually is within my control? Now for the juicy one, we're gonna go to the question that you're gonna, or you're gonna be reading a complaint and you're going to ask yourself, is this within my control? And the answer is going to be yes. So using cold as an example, let's say my complaint is I don't like feeling cold. I don't like that it's cold outside, I don't like the cold in my body, then I ask myself, is this within my control? And to a certain extent it is. Like Brenda said, I could stay home, stay warm, I could potentially layer different clothing. But what is actually within my control? And if I choose to not layer my clothing, if I choose to not stay home, if I choose to go outside, be cold, and not be prepared for that, then that yes, which is step two, I have to then lean into am I in integrity or not? So if I want to be warm, but I'm outside and I'm not layered correctly, well, I'm out of integrity. I am not keeping my promises, I'm not keeping my word to myself. If I'm telling myself I want to be warm, but I'm not preparing myself for the cold element, then somewhere I'm out of integrity. Somewhere I'm not putting myself, I'm not allowing myself to win with the desire that I have. And then I could either get into alignment and do what I said I was gonna do and follow through so that I can have what I say and that I want, or I accept that I'm not doing it, and then it's no longer a complaint, it's now I've accepted this. So, overview. We have complaints, all your complaints, then you're gonna read them line by line. Step two, ask yourself, is this within my control? Yes, no. If it's yes, it is within my control, okay. What can I do to stay in integrity? Or what do I have to accept? If it's no, okay, ouch, not in my control, or maybe yay, not in my control, who knows? Nonetheless, not within some, not something that we can handle. It's not in our lane. So, what what do I have to surrender? How am I surrendering? What am I accepting? And what can I actually do for myself? And if we were to give it a big umbrella, all of this is can I just keep my promises to myself? Can I actually back the things that I say I want? As Brenda always says, behind every complaint, there is a desire. Thank you so much for listening to this mini toolbox. Thank you, Brenda, for coming in and giving that definition. I loved it. And if you really appreciated this episode and it was helpful, share it with a friend. Until next time, bye for now.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.