135 ~ Picky or Precise? How to Express Desire Without Shrinking

Getting called “too much” can feel like a warning label, but we think it’s often a sign that you’re finally getting clear. We’re digging into precision in desire: what it looks like to know what you want, say it plainly, and stop shrinking yourself to keep the peace. If you’ve been told you’re picky, high maintenance, or “hard to please,” this conversation offers a different lens that’s rooted in self-trust, feminine clarity, and responsibility for your own needs.

We walk through everyday examples (food orders, restaurant plans, social threads full of “I don’t know”) to show how clarity cuts decision fatigue and reduces resentment. When you share a real preference, you’re not just making a request, you’re teaching people how to meet you. We also talk about the nuance: desire changes. Sometimes you care deeply about the details, and sometimes you’re there for the company. The goal isn’t control, it’s honesty and clean communication.

Dating brings this to the surface fast. If you want someone else to plan, can you actually receive what they offer without nitpicking or silently stewing? We share practical “guardrails” that keep your standards intact while leaving space for life to be imperfect and surprising. 

We close with questions you can use right away to name what you want, clarify your values, and check whether you can truly hold the desire you’re asking for.

If this hits home, subscribe to Desire As Medicine Podcast.

Transcript

Welcome And What We Believe

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to Desire is Medicine. We are two very different women living a life led by desire, inviting you into our world.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

I'm Brenda. I'm a devoted practitioner to being my fully expressed true self in my daily life, motherhood, relationships, and my business. Desire has taken me on quite a ride, and every day I practice listening to and following the voice within. I'm a middle school teacher, turned coach and guide of the feminine.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the truest and hopefully the highest version of me. I don't have children, I've never been married, I've spent equal parts of my life in corporate as in some down and low shady spaces. I was the epitome of Tired and Wired, and my path led me to explore desire. I'm a coach, guide, energy worker, and a forever student.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Even after decades of inner work, we are humble beginners, on the mat, still exploring, always curious. We believe that listening to and following the nudge of desire is a deep spiritual practice that helps us grow.

Too Much Or Simply Clear

The Cost Of Being Easy

SPEAKER_01 1:12

On the Desire is Medicine podcast, we talk to each other, we interview people we know and love about the practice of desire, bringing in a very important piece that is often overlooked: being responsible for our desire. Welcome back, family, friends, listeners. I'm here with the lovely Brenda. And today we're digging into something around desire, of course. The thought of, am I too much? So are we too much or are we just clear? Sometimes, whether it's work or maybe dating, maybe family, when you know exactly what you want and how you want it, some people can label us picky, or maybe we have high standards or just flat out too much. And uh what if we're just not picky? I don't I don't feel picky. What if we just know exactly what we want? Like what if we're just precise? And I want to encourage all of us to be super effin precise, like super freaking precise. As I walk through the world with my own precision, I want to say that I find it a lot easier than walking through the world confused. I remember being younger and just feeling like I don't really know what I want. And part of that is just not having the experience. Maybe I don't know the flavor, the texture. I haven't had the experience. But after you've had the experience, like I know I don't like spicy food, and there's no amount of being in front of spicy food or tasting it that's gonna have me like it. Is it possible that sometimes my mouth is burning and I enjoy it? No. No, it is not. People tell me that all the time. You should really try it. Oh, you're a punk or whatever. I I mean it's just not for me. My mouth on fire is not enjoyable. I want to be able to taste my food without fearing that my tongue or my lips are gonna fall off. I find that enjoyable. Some people really love the fiery, and they get to the restaurant and the first thing they do is ask for the spice. And then there's a person that's like, oh, I could have it or not have it. Like you're good either way. Maybe you're not invested in one way or the other. I don't want to make that wrong. What I do want to challenge you on is can you push yourself to see if you actually have a preference? Is there potentially a preference that you're not allowing yourself to own or have because you want to be flexible? Like the desire to be flexible, the desire to be able to do things with other people just because I think all of it is valuable at the end of the day. All of this life experiences just for us to get to know ourselves better. No right, wrong. But I do, from my own personal experience, feel that walking through the world with precision and desire makes it a lot easier to feel fulfilled. Like I get to have certain things exactly how I wanted them. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Sometimes I'm surprised. But there's something about I even get responses from the world. Like from people that I interact with when I ask for something exactly as I want it. Most people are are not used to that. I don't think it happens a lot in the world. How do you feel, Brenda, walking through the world with precision?

SPEAKER_00 4:57

I love this topic. This is so great. I think that we're taught to be accommodating. We're taught to be easy. We don't want to ruffle any feathers. We don't want to cause any trouble. We don't want to be a bother. Right. And I would argue that most women do know exactly what they want. Maybe that's why women are walking around super resentful. Right. I mean, for many reasons. But I would argue that most women really do know what they want. Maybe you're not in touch with it because you're so used to pushing it down. But we really do know what we want. That's why when somebody brings something else, we're like, what the heck is that? Because you actually knew what you wanted, but you didn't say it. We're taught to not say what we want because we want it to be easy for the other people in our life. So when a woman is precise with her desire, like you are, Catherine, or like I am, it can be confronting. If you're not precise with your desire and you see a woman who is, what do we call her? Trouble, high maintenance, a bitch? She was too much. Who does she think she is? Right? But really underneath, what do you want? And what keeps you from letting out your true desire? I mean, I've done that. Have you done that? Have you been that woman?

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Which woman? The woman that's like, oh, who does she think she is?

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Well, yeah, the woman who, well, either one. Which woman have you been?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

I think I've been definitely like, who do this person think they are? Whether male or female, usually if their desire requires me to do work, that's the honest truth. I'm like, I'm all for you getting what you want, but I didn't sign up to give it to you. I find that, you know, I want to be enrolled if I'm giving somebody what something that they want, like something that they desire. But I think you may have been asking me something different, not that exact thing. So that's why I'm double checking with you.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

I was just curious if you've been the woman who maybe hid her desire or tried to be accommodating, which I don't see you that way. So I would be surprised if you said yes. Or have you been the woman to say, who does she think she is?

SPEAKER_01 7:19

So I'm gonna have to go back in time far, far back. I think the place where I've been the most accommodating is probably with family. My family members have a lot of precision, like a lot of desires, and they want things exactly how they want them. And I find that for me, there's a conflicting desire at that point. Like, do I need my meal to be exactly how I want it in order for me to enjoy my meal? Or am I at the meal for the company? So the bonus for me is if I can have the meal exactly how I want it and the company that I want. Or the bonus is I get to see the movie that I want and the company that I want. It's sort of together. So for example, I've gone to see plays that I wasn't so interested in, but I'll see the play, but I'm there more for the company than the play. But I know that going in, I'm not resentful about it because I've made the choice to do it. Versus I think early on with family, I've always been I've I've always had the ability to be flexible. In other words, like have a good time no matter what, do my best in that in that arena. With the exceptions, like there have been some exceptions. I want to say, maybe when I stopped drinking altogether in my 20s, there was a time that I went completely sober. And being in environments, I went I'm like a party sort of environment felt awkward in the beginning. It was a skill I had to hone. But outside of that, for the most part, I'm having a good time. I'm sure there have been other moments, and I can't think of them right now. I can't think of an example. But the overarching thing is the places that I've done that the most where I've been very flexible has been in my relationships, my romantic relationships and my family relationships. Less so, less as often with friends. And I think there are moments where I've even become more flexible with time because I get my precise desire so often in so many areas that it doesn't really matter as much. I remember going to this conference one time, and there were a bunch of us going, and like all the women had one, I want this because of this, I want that. Everybody had, they were so charged, and I wasn't looking at them like they're too much. But as an observer, I was like, oh, I'm surrounded by women that often often don't get what they want. And so the stakes are so high right now. I don't really live in that reality anymore. So I was that woman early on in my life. Then I just had have had the privilege of being able to figure out what I want and ask for it. I want to say it's a privilege because I think that there were certain things set up in my life that allowed that to be so.

Asking Clearly Lets Others Give

Dating Without Playing Small

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Thank you for all of that. I also hear you saying that it doesn't matter so much. Like you're willing and you're able to be flexible. What I hear in that is that you're nourished and fulfilled, and you are a woman who knows how to have her desire. So if it doesn't come in exactly as you want it, it's really fine. You know how to work with it. And then there's also the ability to be receptive and grateful inside of that and enjoy the experience. Like it doesn't have to destroy everything. And we talk about that a lot, being fully resourced, you know, being a resourced woman allows you to have that flexibility. And I would argue even that being resourced is being precise with your desire. You know, what do you need? What do you need in this life, in your one wild and precious life? What is it that you want and need? And can you give it to yourself? And can you ask for it? Because the people around us do want to give us our desires. If they don't know what it is, how can they give us our desires? Like my partner went to the coffee shop today and he said, Do you want coffee? And I said, Oh, yes, I would love coffee. What would you like? What do you want? And I told him exactly what I wanted. I wanted a medium-sized cafe ole with almond milk. And I heard him repeating it to himself on the way out because he wants to get it right. He wants to get me that coffee and give it to me. And then I get to receive it and say, Wow, thank you so much. And he gets the enjoyment of giving it to me. You know, so my precision in knowing what I want, and coffee is just a great simple, small example, spreads joy. It does.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

This is having me think about dating. It's having me think about the societal theme right now of like who plans. Does the man plan? Does the woman plan? And I have no issue saying, hey, on such and such night, I would like to go to dinner. And I would like either, this is just an example, this Italian restaurant or this Latin restaurant. If we go to the Italian restaurant, I want this. If we go to the Latin restaurant, I want that. And they could become two completely different things. Like if I go to Latin restaurant, I want churrasco with chimichurri sauce. And if we go to the Italian place, the Italian place by me has this amazing walnut, some kind of walnut uh Waldorf salad. I think it's that that's what it's called. It's so delicious. And when I make the request, I got I'm bringing it down to I want that restaurant, and I really want this meal at that place because that's my favorite thing at that place. And in the dating world, I think people would argue, well, let him plan it. Like let the man decide. I'm like, I could do that. I could also tell him exactly what I want. And the thing is let's say that day comes and neither of those restaurants are the choice, and he's like, we're gonna go this other place, then I'd be like, okay, no problem. Like it doesn't have to look exactly how I want it. I'm open to it being different. But when I am asking for what I want, I'm gonna as ask for the exact thing that I want. And I'd recognize that I could go to the let's say the Italian place, I'll just pick one. And I could be sitting there and I could be looking at the Waldorf. They have this Waldorf salad that I really like. But let's say in that moment I don't want the Waldorf salad, then I just don't order it. I'd probably go for something else, which I they also make, which I really love. I don't know why I'm thinking about food so much. But they have this watermelon with burrata cheese on top with a balsamic glaze, and it's always so refreshing. It's a it's a great like summer treat. And I would feel no qualms about ordering that if that's what I wanted. I it's like the precision of your desire and being flexible in case as you interact with the world, you're not getting exactly what you want. Maybe what I'm saying is I think that that there's a nutrient, that something is being communicated when you tell someone exactly what you want. I think that there's a communication there. Like when you say the cafe au lait with almond milk milk, there's so many things in there. You're like, okay, I don't want it fully black for whatever your reasons are. Oh, I want almond milk versus cow's milk for whatever the reasons are. There's a preference, and you're teaching the person about yourself in that preference, in the this is what I want. And I think if I were to go slower, this is one of the reasons why I think being precise is so gorgeous for women, because we also get to know ourselves really well as we become even more intimate with what we want when we really pause to pay attention. Oh, did I really like this? And if I didn't really like it, why didn't I like it? What about it felt off or just not right? How could this be different in the future?

unknown 15:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

What comes up for?

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Amen. What comes up for me is knowing what you want and how you want it, it is a privilege and it is a gift. What a way to walk around the world as a woman. Wow. Like knowing what you want, then what that communicates is you know, you know, oh, you want to go to a yoga class, but you don't want to go to two because that's not good for your body. You know you want to be on time for your appointment later. So when somebody says, Oh, do you want to go grab coffee? No, I don't. Like you're a woman who knows what she wants. She knows her yeses and no's. And so there's not only that, you're just like walking through the world, interacting with the world in an honest way because you you're honest with yourself, right? And then you're honoring your own capacity as well. You know what you're available for and you know what you're not available for. You know, and then there's the whole piece about the cafe au lait and the coffee is, you know, going back to what I said before, people want to give us what we want. How can they possibly do that if you don't know what you want? Have you ever tried to give someone lunch, make someone a meal that doesn't know what they want? You know, are you hungry? You know, I had someone over once. Are you hungry? I don't know. Okay, you look hungry. If you were hungry, what would you want to eat? Do you want this? Do you want that? I don't know. What do you want? Do you want to make it? It's maddening. It's maddening to be on the side of trying to give something to someone and they won't let it out. They won't say what they want. Now I know this person knows what she wanted. So in the end, the most generous thing I could do is just make it. But it, you know, I didn't know that right away. But it's frustrating. And it's frustrating, and it's just such an energy drain to go through that dance of, you know, oh, like you're getting together with some friends. Well, where do you want to go out to eat? I don't know. Where do you want to go out to eat? I don't know. Where do you want to go out to eat? Oh, do you want to stay in instead? I don't know. What do you want? Do you want to stay in? I mean, who even wants to listen to me talk about this right now? It's maddening. It's maddening, right? Claim your desire, say 100% of what you want, and then stick around to negotiate. Or stick around to see where the chips fall, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:11

We are dealing with other. So it's not going to potentially look exactly how you want all the time. I do want to make space for the people that want to give us what they want only if they want to give it. So there are people that are like, oh, you want cafeole? Great. And in their head, they just heard coffee and and almond milk, and they just get coffee and almond milk, right? Not everybody's going to have the ability to provide exactly. But I would say more often than not, people do want to win. And the way that they win is by giving us exactly what they want, what we want. And the only way for them to know that is for us to tell them that. So that's one of the thoughts that I have when we think about people. Yes, 99.9% of the time, people want to give us what we want. And sometimes that's not the case. And then sometimes people don't know. Like you said, you were like, Are you hungry? And you get the whole, what do you want? Or you're on a female thread and everybody's like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And there's all this confusion until someone just decides. Well, I think we should do. And that's when people will potentially say, Oh, I don't like that, or I'm allergic, or the preferences start to sort of bubble. But when you have precision, like if somebody said to me, You want to go to lunch, what do you want? And I would say, Oh, simple. My favorites are American, Latin, Italian. I don't like anything spicy, so no Indian Thai. And then people have an idea. Okay, it falls within this scope. And if for some reason I ended up at an Indian restaurant, I would be having yogurt and a pita. Like there would be something. Just like I don't like sushi, but I could have teriyaki. And how do I know that? Because I've investigated. Like, okay, if I'm here, what are actually my choices? I know where I'm using a lot of restaurant references. I think it's the easiest to note because usually the waiter will have to come by and say, Oh, do you need another minute? And I just want to say that most of the time when Brenda and I are out and the waiter comes, I already know what I want. Like I know because I looked at the menu and I decided, right? And we all have different authority centers. We've talked about that as well. Some of us, it takes a little more time. And we want to be kind to ourselves. But this is a great practice to get to know yourself.

Desire Changes So Stay Honest

SPEAKER_00 20:51

It really is. And I want to say that a precise desire that you let out is such a turn on. So when somebody says to me, Oh, you know what I really want? I want to go to this restaurant and I want to order the nachos with the guac and the ground beef and the jalapenos and have a Coke on the side. I'm just like, ooh, damn girl, I want that. You know, when somebody really lets out her desire, I'm like, oh, yeah, that feels so good. And I'm suddenly in the mood for this nachos grande. Oh, yes, I'm thinking of the specific restaurant in Asheville that I love to go to. It's just so delicious. And it's such a turn on. Like, desire is contagious in that way. It feels good. It's like, oh, you want to go to the beach? You want to swim in the waves and bring a picnic and bring that watermelon salad from that restaurant. Oh my God, that sounds amazing. Let's do it. It feels good to swim in each. Other's desires. It just feels good. There's so much here. And I want to say also that our desire changes. So I think it's really important. You said this before. Sometimes you're really interested in the food. You want a particular kind of food. So you choose a particular restaurant. Other times, you don't really care about the food. You're just interested in the company. That's a great opportunity to just let somebody else pick the restaurant. Like you really don't care. We're not saying that you have to know and have your desire and speak it every time. That happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I went out with two girlfriends, and one friend had a very specific desire. I didn't, I literally didn't care. I just wanted to go out and hang out with them. So, and you know, so so this is important to know. And it changes. Even when you want to go to that restaurant and get the Waldorf salad, and you went there specifically for it, all of a sudden, the watermelon salad speaks to you like it's never spoken to you before. And you're like, oh, now that could be confusing to the person sitting across the table from you. But we came here for the Waldorf salad. And to me, that's where I just laugh at myself and I'm like, yep, it's great to be a woman who follows her desire because the Waldorf salad got me here, but the watermelon salad is gonna take me home. And it's important to be, it's important to know that about ourselves. That you're not beholden to the Waldorf salad because you said you wanted to go there and now you have to order it even though you don't want it. What kind of life is that? Right. So it's, you know, this is very nuanced. It's very nuanced. And I think that that's part of being feminine, part of being a woman. It's part of knowing yourself well, and it's part of playing with life.

Precision Without Rigidity

SPEAKER_01 23:58

You're making me think of the phrase, welcome to my world. When people are like, oh, I thought you blah, blah, blah, and now you da-da-da. I'm like, welcome to my world. I did really. All those things are true. I wanted this, I wanted that, and now here we are. Uh the piece I wanted to piggyback on when you talked about when we want company. I have learned to tell people I'm I don't really care what we eat. I don't want anything spicy, but I'm there more for the company. So I would love a restaurant that's not loud. I don't want to go somewhere where they have a live band. And even knowing that, one day I went to a restaurant, I was a networking event, got there, and there was a live band. They had just started to do bands on that Thursday. It was so hard to connect with people when it's that loud. And it was nobody's fault. Like we did the best we could with what we had, and it was just sort of funny that we're having to scream our answers to each other. The singing was beautiful. And we again, precision matters. The precision was I want to go connect with these people and see if there's a work of the potential of a working relationship moving forward. And how do I do that if I can't hear them and they can't hear me? You just kind of have to roll with the punches. But if I would have known beforehand about the restaurant, then maybe I wouldn't have chosen that restaurant. It was just not something that I would have asked for because it wasn't a place that I had ever gone to that I saw a band there, and it just was that day. Again, flexibility, but precision knowing why we're going to the place, why we're going to the restaurant, why we're going to have this dinner, what is the intention? And this is all around the precision of desire. Because even with a restaurant, we're not just thinking about food, we're also considering distance, we're also considering travel, how we're getting there. We're considering company, who are we spending our company with? We have to take into account the time of the year, the time of day, potentially parking or Uber. There's all these little parts, and we want to know what would be like, what do I want at this moment? Do I want to go for a long walk? Is it beautiful? Do I want to walk there? Like, what how do I really want to have this experience? And I do think that one of the reasons why you and I are talking about this today is because it's so quick for people to say, oh, you're just being too picky. Oh, your standards are too high. We hear this enough as women, like you said, we were taught to make things easy, that then we start to settle. We're like second guessing, or we stay confused, like, do I really want that? Don't I really want that? And we're like, oh, I'm really flexible, but in reality, I'm just lacking precision. I haven't made the choice that, oh, this part isn't really that important to me, is very different than I'll go with the flow. Like it's important for us to know because I think it also influences how good, like, are we even good company at that point?

SPEAKER_00 27:12

My God, that's such a hex. Oh my God. How many times have any of us gone places and it wasn't what we wanted? We didn't speak up. We thought it would be okay. Even if you did speak up and you it it's not what you want, and then it it's out of your preferences for some reason, and you kind of can't get out of your own way. I mean, in those cases, I end up kind of being a bitch or blocking my own fun. So I do know how to work with that better now. And this is a practice. These things take a long time. And it's really important to say, oh, and I know what I want and I'm gonna let it out. But also, I'm glad that we're talking about the flexibility inside of that because we want to always be open to life surprises. That's important too. You know, are we open-minded or are we just like stuck with what you want? Because that can get very rigid and perfectionistic too. Oh, I only want my tea this way. I only can go to this kind of restaurant, I can only have this kind of food, you know, and you're saying, oh, if I go to this restaurant, I'm just gonna have yogurt non because I'm still there to have a good time. Like you know how to work with that. And that's really great. So we want to be open-minded, right? We want to allow for the life surprises. So it's like, how do you have the dance of knowing what you want and also being not attached? Right. And then when the coffee comes back incorrect for some reason, can you still be grateful for the act of somebody bringing you the coffee or taking you out to dinner? And I also want to bring bring it back to one other thing you said about dating and letting him decide. That's such a big one. And this is the biggest thing for me, right? Well, not the biggest thing, but it's a pretty big one with my friends. We talk about this a lot. Okay, you're gonna let him decide. You're gonna say to him, You plan the day, honey. Now, can you handle that? Can you really be receptive? Or with everything that he planned, the restaurant and the museum and the walk and the park, or you're just gonna complain and bitch about it because it's not what you want. So if you're saying you plan the date, honey, then be prepared to receive what he's offering you.

Questions That Sharpen Your Desire

Work With Us And Closing

SPEAKER_01 29:44

It's a tricky one. One time I was on a date and he said, Do you have any desires? Like, is there anything specific? I said, Oh, it's our first time, it was our first date. I said, It's our first date. So I would love to go and I want to be decked and I want to be in heels. Like, I'm gonna wear my six-inch heels. So I don't want to walk around too much. Don't you know we were walking around the city? It became the funniest thing. After every few blocks, I would just laugh. I was laughing so hard because I thought this was the one thing I said I didn't want to do. But what her had occurred is that part of his date had us going to this bar, and that bar was closed down, like forever closed. It was boarded up. So he's walking up and down the block going, I swear it was here. And then eventually I got close enough. I said, or maybe I Googled it. It was something like that, where I said, I think we're walking in circles because I think the place is closed. And he was just so shocked. It was just a moment where, oh wow, I didn't, you know. Uh, but even then, it wasn't my preference. But can I walk? Yeah, I can walk. It wasn't in my preferences. I laughed a lot for a long time that that is what ended up happening. There I am walking around, maybe like 15 minutes, but it was 15 more than I had planned on. I wanted to be like an art piece, not like an athletic adventure. So that's a little humor from Catherine's background. So I'm gonna bring it in a little bit, bring it in tight, and talk about some pieces here for us. So, like, what are some of the things that we can ask ourselves? Can I articulate clearly what I want? Like, can I truly clearly articulate what I do want? And we've talked about this so many times, Brenda and I. We're so used to talking about what we don't want. But can you let somebody know what you do want? Am I just reacting to what I don't like? Or have I really been with what is my preference here? Is this an actual consistent value? So some people really like adventure, some people really like spontaneity. For some of us, that's really consistent value, and some people hate to be surprised. And that's really consistent value. So, can we share that as well with our precision? Like, oh, I'm somebody that really likes adventure. And maybe I don't die today. Like, maybe today is not the day to jump out of a plane, you know, somewhere where we are just specific to what we're looking for. We want adventure, and you could say adventure, more like walking through the botanical gardens where I'm looking at really pretty things or a museum and less bungee jumping, more art, less bungee, something like that, to give somebody the um the right guardrails of what you're looking for in that experience. And then I love this question. If I exact got exactly what I wanted, would I be able to hold it? There have been times in my life, especially in my early 30s, where I could not hold it. I just got so awkward and shy and just like weird in my body. I just couldn't hold it. And my desire is that maybe we all be the women that can have our desires. It is one of the major reasons why this podcast even exists. And precision, I think, really changes things. It helps us eliminate decision fatigue. We're able to touch on what we want faster, decide on things faster, communicate clearly, get attracted to people, opportunities. And maybe today's a day that we stop calling ourselves too much or too picky or high standards. We just need sharper clarity. Is it annoying to do it alone? Absolutely. But you don't have to do it alone. Brenda and I are here for you. Our links are in the show notes if you feel so called to work with either one of us. It's been an absolute honor and a pleasure to have you today. That's it for now.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine podcast.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

Desire invites us to be honest, loving, and deeply intimate with ourselves and others. You can find our handles in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.