The Most Dwanderful Real Estate Podcast Ever!

Stop Touching My Stuff: A Humorous Look at Finding Order

• Dwan Bent-Twyford • Season 7 • Episode 395

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Decluttering isn't just about tidying up—it's about creating space for peace in a chaotic world. Hitting 1 million downloads calls for celebrating with a powerful guest, and Connie Graf delivers with compassion and wisdom that will transform how you approach your environment.

Connie, founder of "From Chaos to Peace," reveals why most of us struggle to implement organizational systems despite knowing what to do. "The information is not necessarily the problem," she explains. "The problem is why aren't we doing what we often know we need to do?" This question unlocks a fascinating exploration of procrastination, fear, and the hidden barriers to creating supportive environments.

Drawing from her Swiss background and years helping entrepreneurs, Connie shares her framework of four personality types—fire, earth, air, and water—each with unique organizational challenges. Fire types start enthusiastically but struggle to follow through. Earth types get trapped in endless planning. Air types overthink everything. Water types become emotionally overwhelmed by their possessions. Understanding your type provides targeted strategies that actually work.

The conversation takes a vulnerable turn when discussing why change feels so threatening. "I think I will not recognize myself if I change and I'm afraid of that," one client confessed. This fear keeps many stuck in chaos despite craving peace. Connie's gentle advice? "A few minutes a day keeps the chaos away." Small, consistent actions build momentum without triggering resistance.

We also explore the cultural pressures on women to "do it all" without seeking help, and how setting boundaries—though initially uncomfortable—creates the foundation for genuine peace. As Connie wisely notes, "We can only create more peace in the world if we have peace within us and within our families."

Ready to transform your environment from chaotic to peaceful? Subscribe now and follow Connie at ConnieGraf.com to continue your journey toward a more supportive, organized life.

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Make it a Dwanderful Day!

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

hey everybody, welcome to the most Dwanderful real estate podcast ever. I'm your host, Dwan Bent-Twyford. I am so excited to have you here with us today. I have an amazing guest and the most Dwanderful real estate podcast ever. We just reached 1 million downloads, yay, I know. So I'm so excited that we reached a million downloads. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. It's only because of you, so keep listening. Follow me at dwanderful. com. You know, I took Dwan and Wonderful and made a new word dwanderful. com, my website. Take the quiz, find out how much you know about real estate, and also Facebook, instagram, youtube, all the things Dwan-der-ful. So I have an awesome guest today. I'm really excited to talk to Miss Connie Graf. How are you today? I'm very well.

Conny Graf:

Thank you, Dwan. How are you? With 1 million downloads, you should be over the moon.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Well, you know, I keep my podcast on Buzzsprout and so I got an email congratulating me with all these downloads about two weeks ago, when I was like a million. I was like, oh my God, I don't even know what to do. Like that's so amazing. I am just like I've been on cloud nine ever since. That's really something.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, that is something. Congratulations, and.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I've worked really hard. So I was like, oh, thank you Jesus, I got rewarded for all my hard work, so it's pretty exciting. I actually Googled it last night because I thought you know there's a lot of big podcasts out there. So I googled is one million podcast downloads a lot? And it says, if you have a million, you're in the top five percent of all the podcasts. Yeah, then I was like, whoa, look at me. So I just googled that last night. I was like you know, is that a lot though? Because you know there's all those really big people, you know famous people that have these. You know millions of every, you know every show and but yeah, so, um, I found out that that's really a lot, so that made me even more excited about it.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So, yeah, all right, so your turn, the title I had is from chaos to peace. So what we like to do, Conny, is we just throw our guests just straight to the wolves. I want you to just give us, like in one or two sentences, what you do and how everybody can find you. Then I'm going to ask you some questions to find out how you got to do, what it is that you do.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah. So my business is called From Chaos to Peace, and I help busy entrepreneurs who work from home to create a more supportive environment in their physical, digital, financial environment, right? So, like most people are surrounded by chaos me sometimes included and I have figured out some techniques how to keep that chaos at bay and to work from more a peaceful environment.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Okay, so we're gonna dip into that for sure, but how do people find you?

Conny Graf:

So the people find me either on my website, ConnieGraf. com, which is C-O-N-N-Y-G-R-A-F. com. It's a bit spelled different.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

No, you do, Because when I saw C-O-N-N-Y, I wrote it down that way and I thought well, I'm hoping it's pronounced Connie, but everyone else is C-O-N-N-I-E, I think.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, that's the North American way of spelling Connie. I'm from Europe. In Europe it's actually quite common to spell Connie with a Y.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Well, mine is Dwan D-W-A-N and people always go Dawn and I was like Juan.

Conny Graf:

And I'm sure they also spell it wrong when they send you an email or anything. Everybody.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

If someone sends me an email or a text and I know they don't know me, yeah, yeah.

Conny Graf:

No, okay, so from chaos to peacecom.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

are you on social medias? Okay, so from chaos2peacecom. Are you on social medias?

Conny Graf:

I'm on social media so it's ConnieGraph. com, but I think, yeah, you can click, you can do chaos2peacecom as well. For sure, I'm on social media. On Instagram, my handle is IamConnyGraf, also with a Y, and on Facebook it's from chaos2peace.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Okay, I love it. I'm going to follow you. I'm going to find you on all the places and start stalking you.

Conny Graf:

I will look out for you. That's exciting, yes, and mine is all wonderful.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So yeah, every time I have a guest on, I really try not to find out too much about them ahead of time, because I really am genuinely a curious person. I'm curious about people. I'm curious about people, I'm curious about things. So I try not, unless it's someone that I actually just I know because they're in the real estate business. But if I don't, I try not to find out too much ahead of time, because I like to ask the questions.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I feel like I would ask if you and I were sitting down having lunch. So that's how we kind of format the podcast. It's like, hey, let's get to know each other and like what would I want, what would you want to know? And that's so. I've been doing it that way for years and I guess people like it because I got a million downloads, exactly, and people all the time they send me like did you get my questions? I was like you know I did, I threw them away. Then they're like oh my god, and I'm like I got you, I got you okay. So I agree, the world is full of chaos. I feel I just me personally. I feel like social media almost makes the world make it more chaotic oh yeah everyone's online.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Everything's so negative and people are saying mean things to people and I mean it's like we just rescued astronauts from space. How can you possibly write something negative about that? Yeah, they were stuck in space, like where there's no food, there's no water, it's like. And then even that like people find the fault and it's like what is wrong with people today?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

There's so much noise and there's just so much. And then you have other people's energy and you know it's like you just like. I'm always like, oh, don't rub any of that bad energy up on me. So chaos to peace. How did you come up with this concept? And and like why are you helping people do this? Because I really love it. As soon as I read the title, I was like I already love her.

Conny Graf:

Yeah well, thank you so much. So I think it was kind of like a download. It all of a sudden came to me. But so I was a little bit of a weird kid. So from early on I realized how the environment has an influence on us, and how the physical environment right, not just the social, like people, we all are aware of that but the physical environment too. And so I grew up in a little in a house and I myself had a little room. I always called it a broom closet, and so I was constantly trying to make this room fit me better and what I needed to do Right. But then of course this was not something that was, back then, a career.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So I when are you from?

Conny Graf:

Switzerland.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Oh, because I love your accent.

Conny Graf:

Thank you. I'm trying not to have an accent, but it just it makes you different.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Don't try not to have an accent. The fact that you have an accent makes people go. Oh, she's from someplace else. I want to hear this, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

Conny Graf:

And so I went into finance and I helped people create peace in their numbers, right so. But then I also helped them create peace on their desk, in their, in their offices, and I always kind of said, well, I help you going from chaos to peace, kind of Of course, originally I said it in German because I'm Switzerland, I come from the German part, but so this kind of stuck. And then all of a sudden I thought why don't I call my business like this, why don't I talk more about really going from chaos to peace? Before my company was called Graph Accounting and Controlling, Really boring.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

This is way better. I love this.

Conny Graf:

Exactly, and so it literally came from me talking. That was the way I was talking when somebody asked me how do you, how can you help me? Or when I was actually helping somebody. I was talking about I help you go from chaos to peace, and that's how it happened.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Long a long story because you know, everyone has a moment, you know like for me, I call it my come to Jesus moment, where I got into real estate investing out of desperation. But, every moment or something you know becomes clear or just shows up and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I need to do.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So I'm always really curious how people chose what they do. And, like you said, you were talking and thinking and then it came to you Like why can't I help other people do this? And then there you are, and now you're doing like your epiphany or whatever you would call it, and now you're able to do that. So if I was so I'm assuming that you sort of help people in some sort of a mentorship way or there's something, something that they, you teach them I can't imagine you do it in one call, so you know, no, no that's part of your community or something like that.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah so. So originally, the way it started was in person. So, right, I would go to their office, I would go help them out, I would do the work with them. I would never do it for them, I would kind of do it with them. Nowadays, everything moved online, right. So the mentorship I call it more like guidance or coaching, however you want to call it. So the mentorship, I call it more like guidance or coaching, however you want to call it.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, so we're talking and you know, Dwan, these days we can all Google how to create more order around us. That is not necessary. The information is not necessarily the problem. The problem is why aren't we doing what we often know what to do? Why can't we get ourselves to do the things we know we need to do? Why are we procrastinating? Right, and so this is basically what I then help.

Conny Graf:

Yes, I do help with practical tips and all this, but what I'm actually helping them is accountability, to stay on track. I help them talking it through, which a lot of people say I'm so glad I can talk this through, especially when it's around finances. They say, oh, I'm so glad I have somebody that I can talk this through. Other people is like when it's about creating an organized office or decluttering their home. They love talking through what do I let go? How do I do it? Hey, I noticed I got sidetracked. I can't do it. What do I do wrong? Right, so this is it. That's why I'm calling it guidance, because really we can all ask ChatGPT or Google it or whatever we get all the whole program how to do it, but then we don't do anything.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Right. So that's the thing. I have people all the time like, hey, I want you to be my real estate coach, I want you to mentor me, I want to be like you, but then I give them a list of things and then they don't do it.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So. So if I was, so if someone was coming to you and you're like, hey, these are the things, or, or whatever, how do you? How do you help them like do the actual work, besides like cracking a whip on and say, hey, do what I said to do? Like, how do you get people because that's the problem, you can google everything. People google how to lose weight. There's 80 million thousand ways to lose weight, but then people don't do it yeah overcome that.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So I feel like I, I almost feel like we have so much information overload, yeah, a hundred ways of you know organizing your space, but then no one actually does it, yeah, yeah, so I think one way.

Conny Graf:

So first I want to say one thing like we can't make anybody do anything, like I'm not a dictator, right so. But what I can do is I can either inspire them or I can weed through all the information and help them figure out a way that works for them or might work for them right. So, like I'm a little voodoo, go very simple. There's kind of four types of people and depending on what type you're, you're falling into, you have other challenges that keep you from starting Right.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So then I'm trying to tell me the four people because I want to know this.

Conny Graf:

This is like information I need to know, ok, so there is four elements in astrology it's fire, earth, air and water. And Carl Jung, by the way, he gave them a little bit different names, but he worked with that too. So this is kind of like to put all people in four buckets. It's very generic. We're not trying to put boxes around people or put people in boxes, but it does help. So, as a fire person, for example, you're very quickly, very enthusiastic, you start something, but you have a hard time following through. Right, as an earth person, you plan, you love planning, you plan and plan and plan, but you never start doing anything because you plan like a crazy man or crazy woman.

Conny Graf:

As an air person air people they have so many thoughts in their brain they're trying to weed through all their thoughts and they get caught up in analysis, paralysis, what is the best way to start? So they don't start either. Right, and the water people are the ones who are very emotional. They're very attached to everything and their things and they are easily overwhelmed and easily emotionally bogged down. So those people need a different approach, right? And so if I can figure out on what the dominant energy of these four is in somebody, I can make suggestions and say okay, listen, you're a fire person like me. I have a lot of fire, so I have to always be careful that I'm not a run after every shiny object and start seven million things.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I think I have shiny object syndrome.

Conny Graf:

I'm like, oh my god, oh, I definitely have shiny object syndrome, yeah, yeah yeah, and so this is kind of how I can help and we can talk it through and I can give them actually specific tasks, like tailored to them. When we talk that they actually I can still not make them do them Right, but because we're reading through all the information and all the options and all the things I can, actually we can actually come up with a, with a task or something that they can do. And then it's that's the only thing. I'm saying okay, you're only trying to do this, focus on this and not on all the other things that you might hear you could do or are on your list, right. And then I give accountability. So it often helps and studies show that too If you tell somebody, yes, I'm going to do this, you're more likely to going to do it because next week you're on the call with me again and I say so, how did it go?

Conny Graf:

So this is kind of how I help and it helps a lot. It helps a to to weed through all the options and the possibilities. It gives them a clear direction and it gives them accountability. Now, again, I can't make anybody do anything, but I sure try.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

But you can. You can because if they've committed and said, kind of listen, I'm going to do the system, just being accountable, because in my real estate investing career, when someone wants to be what I call an apprentice training, they have this accountability log and it says how many homeowners did you talk to, how many leads did you get, how many this, how many that, how many postcards, how many doors you done, how many contracts? And then when they're new, they're like I mean every, they fill it out, they send it to me and then in a couple months like they'll miss a few weeks, or they'll say, oh, it's on vacation, oh, I get busy, no, you're falling off of your accountability, but you can see them doing it. So I I think I probably do what you do. I think back, I'm like, hey, listen, you missed two weeks of accountability, get back on because you're doing what everybody does. It's like, oh, and then you do it and then you dwindle, and if someone doesn't come back and say, get back on the track with me, they'll just dwindle off. Yeah.

Conny Graf:

So you can you?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

can you have the power? But it's part of it is always, in my opinion, is going to be. You like, when they start kind of dwindling, say, hey, listen, you hired me to do this for you. You have to keep going. I'm not letting I tell people, I'm not letting you quit, yeah, you're going to do it. And then like, okay, next thing you know they're closing deals, like, oh my god, mom was great. But there was a minute there where I had to like yell.

Conny Graf:

I'm like yeah, yeah, it's the tough love that you have to give them, that they're basically hiring you for right to give them the tough love to to actually. But see, I think the reason why I say I can't make anybody do anything is because, in the end, it's still them that wanna do it right. It's still them that actually do the work. It's not I'm not going to do it for them, although a lot of people would love that just anybody or everybody does everything for them. But that's not how we get proud of ourselves, right? If somebody would have done your podcast, you wouldn't be as proud for 1 million downloads. As you know. You worked hard for it and you did it yourself.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I agree. So what do you think is the number one thing that keeps people from like saying hey, I want this help and then not doing? Do you think it's like just, I mean, I know it's a different signs and stuff, but do you think procrastination, or people like I find a lot of people are afraid of change, like deep down or like what do you think is like kind of the, the, maybe the number one or two things that keeps people from from really changing, because everybody can change yeah, yeah, I think one one of the reasons is not being active in the change, being worried that it's to you.

Conny Graf:

I had once a client and she said, after not taking action for like several times and I'm always saying, like, okay, what is it? Why aren't you doing it? All of a sudden it came out of her and she said I think I will not recognize myself if I change and I'm afraid of that. Right, so this is kind of the fear of the unknown. We're so comfortable in how we know things and it's almost like if, even though I'm really stressed out, even though I'm not successful, even though I don't like how it is right now, at least I know what I'm dealing with If I have to go to something different. It's new and it's scary.

Conny Graf:

And I sometimes feel too it's like the more the world around us gets crazier like right now is and we don't have the inner grounding or the inner peace, how I call it. Yeah, the more, the more we're all just like hunkering down. I'm just gonna stay here exactly where I am and don't rock the boat, and I think that is one of the big ones. And at the same time, they would wanna like they would wanna get into a better place, but only if they didn't have to change kind of thing. So then, yeah, so, and you know, like Dwan I don't know how you are, whether you're always on the go and where you always can do it, but I can certainly relate there's sometimes days where I feel like, oh, if I could just sit back and not have to constantly strive for getting better, doing better, doing more, that would be lovely. And then the next morning I wake up and think, oh, no, that wouldn't work for me.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So no, I know I get you, but I feel like you just really hit it on the head there because it's it's fear. I find like in my end, with people making money in real estate, they're like they're afraid to be successful, but they're afraid to fail. Then they're like, well, if I start making all this money, what will I do? How will that look like on?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

the other side and they want that, but then they're afraid to get it. And then, when they get it, then what is the next step? You know, yeah, and I, I honestly, I mean, I've been, I've been teaching people for like 35 years and I swear, I feel like the depths of everyone's soul. It's fear that stops us. Yeah, I'm doing like what's on the other side.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah, and I think most people, the more they sit actually in their comfortable thing, the less they're going to do something. So what I often then suggest is let's make small tweaks and small changes, like there is this I forgot the study, but they say if you just change the way you drive something like if you always drive the same way to the grocery store start driving a different way, start doing things a little bit different in your everyday life to get used to doing things differently instead of being so in the rut and then just build from there. Right, but I mean it's, it is literally fear, and it hit me so hard when she said oh, I don't think I would recognize myself when I'm afraid of that.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Yeah, yeah yeah, but I can no, I, I, I can totally see that and you know there are so many people that need help with like what you do, because I mean everyone's got trauma and everyone's got this and everyone's got that, and then people just don't know how to get by it or they develop habits that are like trauma responses or whatever. And then you know, 10 years go by and nothing has changed at all.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah, it's crazy, it's crazy. So what is?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

an actionable tip, like right now, if someone's listening, I really like Connie, I like her vibe, I like all what she's got going on. What is one actionable tip? What she's got going on, what is one actionable tip? Just anyone listening could go. I'm going to do this one thing to get my ball rolling.

Conny Graf:

So one thing that I noticed what a lot of people try to do is they try to take on too much, like they think I'm gonna I don't know, let's talk physical clutter I'm gonna declutter my whole office this Saturday most likely Saturday of all days and this is way too much. Like A it's you're most likely not going to do it. You're going to procrastinate. In the morning you wake up and you think, oh, I have the whole day I can wait until and I can drink coffee first, read newspapers, scroll Instagram, whatever, right, and then. And then it goes on and on, and then you find the laundry that needs to be folded and whatever, and then it's three in the afternoon and you think, oh, now I don't have to start, right? So this is, this is one thing.

Conny Graf:

So the one actionable tip I always say is and is the saying of mine a few minutes a day keeps the chaos away. So start small, smaller than you think it will make a difference. But if you start small and you start creating a momentum where you're actually doing something and it can be so small that your procrastination muscle really has no chance to kick in you literally just do it. That, that is the biggest tip.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So I'm going to start telling people that a few minutes a day Keeps the chaos away yeah.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So when you so, I'm at my house. I have a house in Florida and I'm blessed enough to have a house in Colorado as well, and so, yeah, it's got three bedrooms. And so this, I'm down here for a month. I thought you know what I'm going to in the first week. I'm going to clean out all the closets. I'm going to get rid of all the clothes somebody wears. I'm going to put all the clothes on the black velvet hangers.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Okay, so now I've been here for three weeks I've only done two closets. Yeah, because then I'm like, and yeah, because then I'm like. And then a couple of days ago, I was like, okay, I'm going to get up first thing, I'm not going to look at anything, I'm just going to go work on that closet. But then, like someone rang the doorbell and then the yard guy came. I started talking to him and then this and this and this and I was like, dang, it's 3.30. I don't have time. I did the exact identical thing in the last week. In the last week, the identical thing, and that's what made me laugh when you said that it was like I literally just did that.

Conny Graf:

Yeah yeah, and you know, dawn, it's really human. It's very human from us because A and that comes from somebody who loves an organized environment. So I'm not like a stickler for being all perfect, but I like it if it's just so right. But I wouldn't want to go and do three closets in one week or three closets in one day or whatever. So then we start to, oh yeah, well, and I have so much time, I can do it, so I can wait. I can read newspaper first, I can scroll first, I can drink coffee first, I can go sit in the garden first. We come up with everything and anything. And so this is why I'm saying just commit 15 minutes, commit to half an hour. Half an hour is already, I would say, the max, so don't do longer. Because another thing I always say too is like you have to train your decluttering muscle. I always put this here we have to train our decluttering muscle. I always put this here we have to train our decluttering muscle.

Conny Graf:

So if you're not used to doing decluttering and organizing and cleaning out and putting back in, you're getting tired very quickly. You're getting. Depending on what type of person you are, you either get very quickly emotionally overwhelmed If you're more like an air person, you quickly get sidetracked with all kinds of other squirrel things that you could do as a fire person. You lose the enthusiasm fairly quickly, right, and then you may have a bigger mess than you had ever before. And the earth person, like we said, hardly ever starts, especially if it's a big project. The three closets oh my God, we will have to plan that first before we can start. Right, so start small.

Conny Graf:

So I often say start with 15 minutes, start with 20 minutes, start with as little time as possible where you can actually say, ok, I can choose, I can do that, I have 15 minutes that quickly can do something. And then start with the obvious thing. Another funny thing is that a lot of people always ask me. They always come with the most difficult decision to me and say well, connie, how would you, how would you decide here? And I'm like OK, is that the only thing that you still have to clean up or organize? If not, let's do everything else first. Because you get more used to making decisions, you understand more what your ideal or supportive environment is, you understand more about yourself, you are used to the process, so don't start with so if we're talking about household stuff. Don't start with your grandmother's china that you actually don't know what to do. If that's when you can't like, this is not you. I'm sure you have other stuff that you can work on first.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I love it, I love what you do and I have found I have noticed I turned 66 this year I have noticed in the last three or four years I feel like I'm almost becoming ocd about everything being clutter free. So I'm like, I mean I have cleaned out all my closets and kitchens, bathrooms, under the drawer, I mean over the, you know not all like over the last few years I've changed out all the hangers, I've organized, I've thrown clothes away and I'm like okay, and now I'm like with my grandkids, like you know, I'll have this here and I'm like listen, don't touch my stuff. It was over here. Stop touching my stuff, don't move it there, I want it here.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

And I'm like okay now I'm becoming like a crazy person, but I I'm getting to where I just I used to live in my husband's a mess, like he just stuffs all over the place. And now I'm just to where I just. I used to live in my husband's a mess, like he just stuffs all over the place. And now I'm just like I walk in the room I'm like, oh, I can't even look at this room because there's so much clutter in here. Like my heart can't take the pressure of all the clutter. And I feel like I'm going the other way. And so now I'm just like dude, listen, we're going to start cleaning and he helps me. We, I'm just like dude, listen, we're going to start cleaning and he helps me. We're going to do this and this and this, and when it's done, nothing gets put out of place.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

We're going to keep clutter free, and I was never super crazy about all that organized, but in the last few years I feel like the older I get, the more I just want everything to be in a place. So when I go to look for it, that's where it's at, and if I need this, it's there. And I go there and then it's not there. Then I spend an hour looking for something because somebody moved it. It's like stop touching my stuff. So I don't know if I'm getting like because that's about my things, but I just like if I go in the dressing, that's where the scissors are. I want them and they're not there. It's 30 minutes to me. It's like stop, stop moving my stuff.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah, I think that we for sure need to keep a balance right.

Conny Graf:

So, like, wherever we go out of kind of the middle ground into the extremes, it might be good to just wonder why, but I'm with you.

Conny Graf:

So I like when things are where they belong Because, like I said, if we want to be productive in working, if we want to not spend hours and hours searching for stuff, it helps if the stuff is there where we put it, If we have a home. So it starts actually a few steps before that we have a home for everything that we have. Right, we're not just having willy nilly stuff, we have things that have a home in our home and that's where we go when we want it and when we're working, like when we're in this flow state and we're working and everything works out well, and then we don't find anything all of a sudden that stops us in our tracks. Right, and that's where we're trying to not get stopped and the things are always where they need to be. Now, nobody is perfect, so I'm always thinking like if 80 to 90% of the time the stuff is where it needs to be, good enough, because we need to stay human.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Yeah, we do, we do, we do, and so I would imagine that would be really helpful for people in business too, because I think a lot of people get you know whatever their job is and they make this much money and then they sort of get stuck there. They need things and information to help them, like get to the next level, because that's a thing too, getting to the next level and dealing with traumas and getting to the next level. And dealing with traumas and getting to the next level, I mean, I feel like what you do is just so. I mean, even me. Everybody needs someone to help them get through the clutter, the chaos.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah. And you know, I think like it's today's misconception in our society today that we need to be able to do it all ourselves. When you just go back a little bit, we were used to live in small communities or in big families. We always had some kind of like mentor, to call it that way. Maybe it was your grandmother, maybe it was your mother, maybe it was an aunt, maybe it was some family relative or some community member that you could go to and ask something. And in our world today it's almost like we feel like we have to do it all by ourselves. I have a client who constantly says Connie, I don't know why I always come to your calls or why I still need your calls. I should be able to do it myself. And I say who says? Who says that we have to do it all ourselves?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

we don't well, I think women. I don't know how can I ask how old you are? Yeah, 57 okay, so were you raised in America, or did you?

Conny Graf:

know in Switzerland. When did you come here? Uh, 20 years ago okay.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So for people I 66, so I feel like women like my generation that were raised in America. We ended up being taught like get a job, have kids, work at a factory, have a husband, and then you work all day, and then you cook and you clean and you do laundry, it's like, but since when did women have to do everything? And that's why people are so overwhelmed, because it's like, oh, women are going to do everything. And that's why people are so overwhelmed because it's like, oh, we're going to do everything. Yeah, we can, but why do we have to literally do everything? Like your husband should be helping, not like it's a woman's job?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

and you know like when I was a kid, you had aunts and uncles and grandparents and like it was more of a community and people are now more isolated. I think yeah. And then especially women.

Conny Graf:

I think women feel overwhelmed by the fact that they should be able to do it all yeah, so from my perspective, where I grew up in Switzerland, so I do remember when I was just very young, like 18, 17, 18 it was, oh, as a woman, you take a job away from a guy, so if you do go and work, feel privileged, but that doesn't mean you can neglect the duties you have at home. That's kind of like how I grew up. And this is where it comes from too, where we probably think, like you just said, we need to do it all, because we need to prove that we can do it all, and because we need to prove that we can do it all, and it's not healthy. It's not healthy. So, yeah, ask for help, which a lot of people say it's the hardest thing to do, and I can agree. Sometimes I have a hard time too to ask, because we're socialized to not have to ask, especially if you're a woman, because then you're told oh, I knew you couldn't do it.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Like right, it's like still today. And then you got all these young women, like you know, in their twenties and thirties, with all this like super gentle parenting and all these kids that misbehave. I'm like, listen, you come to my house, I'm going to whip your ass, so you're going to listen to me. I was raised old school with a switch and a bell and no gentle. You're gonna mind me. And then maybe I need to soften up a little bit. I don't know. I just I feel like the world's gone crazy and there's just too much happening. There is so much chaos and I just don't feel like most people take the time to actually find their peace. Now, I do. I take time every day to find my peace. I have quiet time, I have a candle, I read the bible and I'm like beautiful.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I, I'm doing this, but I only learned to stand my ground about my peace only in like the last five or six years. I was almost 60 before I started saying you know what, listen, I'm taking care of me first, and then everybody else is second. And before I was like a super people pleaser and somewhere along the way I was like you know what I can't do, that I'm sick a lot, I'm run down, I'm exhausted, I'm not enjoying things. So I just made the decision to like I'm putting myself first, I'm putting my peace, my room is clean, everything in this clean, clean, clean, and I have time to relax and I just do it.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I'm like I just don't care if people get mad. Oh, you said no to that. I'm like, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. That's not healthy for me personally. But when you get to the point, especially as a woman, and you start saying no to people that used to say yes to everyone, they're like ooh, which one with you? Now it's like I'm watching out for my peace. That's what's wrong and what you're asking me is not part of my plan anymore. And people get offended Ooh, which one with you? Which one with Duann? And it's like no Duann's tired of being a doormat.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, yeah, and you know, I think too it's like a lot of people say, oh, it's so crazy out there and it's, but they themselves are crazy. And I really think we can only create more peace in the world and that may say it sounds very big, but we can only create more peace in the world if we have peace within us and within our families. Right, but if we're running around like crazy pants, this is not creating peace. Also, you know that if you're running around like crazy pants, trying to please everybody and trying to make sure everybody is fine A, you are not fine in the end automatically. But the other thing is too, is you have not a single moment to actually reflect. Does that even make sense, what I'm doing right, or does it maybe have negative consequences?

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

You are preaching to the choir. I agree more with everything that you're saying, but I do, just in my personal experience and a lot of my friends, I find that it is hard, and I'm sure it is for men too, but just from a woman's perspective, it's hard sometimes to just draw that line of like this is what I need, because other people are like, oh, she won't help, I can't just drop the kids off anytime, dare, and I can't, you know, and it's like no, that's it, that's how it is. Yeah, yeah, this is my, this is my line in the sand and that's how it is. But once you do it for a while, I wake up. Now I'm just like, ah, yeah, peaceful. I don't wake up with anxiety anymore, I go to bed peaceful and people are used to me now. But man, the first couple of years, oh my gosh, I got so much flack off people.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, but I think it goes back to what we were saying like, people don't like change. So all of a sudden, dwan changed and didn't say yes to everything anymore, which had an effect on them, because now, all of a sudden, they couldn't drop whatever they wanted off on your doorstep and Dwan would be taking care of it, right. So then they had to change. Not just you changed, they had to change, and they don't like that. And and I think the other thing is often too, is and I struggle with that still to this day you know how when, as a woman, you maybe say too long, you say yes, and then, when the no comes, you're so at wit's end that it maybe comes out aggressive instead of from a place of of groundedness. And so when I discovered that for myself, because a lot of people say to me well, connie, you're so aggressive and I'm like I don't mean to be aggressive, but then I realized I come across aggressive because I wait too long. And so now when I'm actually more intentional, I come across assertive more than aggressive, right, like grounded in me.

Conny Graf:

Thanks for asking, but no, that doesn't work for me. Thanks for asking, but no, I'm not doing this. Thanks for asking, no, you know, and if, if I can come from this more calm place instead of the? I'm so overwhelmed with you. You already asking again and I'm really getting frustrated. I think they accept it easier too. I agree.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I cannot agree more. I could talk to you all day. I love the way you think, I love what you do, so people need to go to IamKonigraffcom.

Conny Graf:

Right, no, conniegraphcom, it's just ConnieGraphcom. Yes, and the handle on Instagram where I'm most is I am ConnieGraph, okay that's right, Because ConnieGraph was taken already. I don't know who dared to just take my handle but they did.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I know that's right. Okay, so ConnieGraphcom, and then I am ConnieGraph on Instagram and Facebook and stuff like that.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, and thread All of book and stuff like that.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

yeah, and all of you and I'm sure you work with men too, but girls, I mean, I'm telling you, I think women just need more help because we've just had so much stuff expected of us by society. And when you start really being like I am gonna take care of my piece, I am, and you know, I didn't really learn how to do that until I was in my 50sies.

Conny Graf:

And.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

I see these young girls and they're doing everything and they're strung out and they're like all that and I was like, no, I know I was with you. So I think I just feel like I mean, I don't know. Once I realized what I needed to do and I thought, man, I wish I would have done this in my thirties. Yeah, I wish I would have, like you know, took more time, instead of just being like, oh, whatever you need, and now it's like okay, I got it now, but if you're young 20, 30, 40, anyone you need to work on your piece today, so you'll just have you'll have a better life.

Conny Graf:

Agreed, agreed, agreed. And you know, it's like when I was younger, I wasn't that way either. I think it also comes with life experience that we're starting to realize OK, this doesn't work, we have to change Right.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

And also I think it takes, I mean, I don't know, I'm just, I'm from the Midwest, so just like I know, in the Midwest it's hard, it just for girls and moms and you know whatever just to say no, just for girls and moms, and you know whatever, just to say no, I guess not even that we don't want to do the thing, but then that thing on top of that thing, on top of that thing, and then you get to bed two in the morning and then you're exhausted for three days. I feel like. I feel like it's sort of bred into us. Just we have to do everything and I, for me, I didn't recognize it until I got into my 50s. Actually, I started podcasting, I started listening to people like you and I started reading more books, not self-help about business, but like about myself and then I was like, oh man, I'm such a people pleaser and I do everything. I do this, I do that.

Conny Graf:

I'm not going to do that anymore.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

So I feel like I mean I don't know. I mean I don't know. I mean for me, I didn't start looking for my own peace until I was older. And I tell my daughters now I'm like, listen, you guys are in your 30s, get your peace now, have your things. You have your work, have your life, have your peace. Like, put those things and do that now, because you will have a happier life. Yeah, yeah, and my daughter, my one daughter, ala, my, my daughter I was, I was raised her twice 13 till I married bill. That girl's like listen, no, um, this day I'm going here, on this day I'm doing that. If you ask her for something, she's like nope, these are my things, I'm doing my things. And like, every day she has something, that time it is, and sometimes it's like skating or whatever she's doing, and she's like, nope, not gonna do that, I'm taking care of my piece. And then I'm like part of me is like girl and the other part's like you go girl, yeah yeah, I gotta tell you that, so go.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

But then it's like you can't say no to me.

Conny Graf:

Yeah, exactly I taught you the piece. Yeah, no, but the best thing you can do is actually like support them right and find, find a little slot somewhere where they actually help you do what you want them to do, right, yeah, my husband's opposite.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

He'll just drop anything, drop off the grandkid, what he does, anything he wants, and he's exhausted every night. I'm like dude, I don't want to say no to people. I'm like, all right, well, you know, yeah, I've talked to him and talked to'm. Like dude, I just want to say no to people I'm like all right.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Well, you know, yeah, I've talked to him and talked to him like I can't talk to him about it anymore, because then it's like you know, I'm the bickering wife and it's like you do you, but here's what I'm doing, so I'm not doing that with you. So when you commit to this for the next two days, I'm not doing it. I'm like I'm not hard to get along with. I'm standing my ground, controlling my peace. So I love what you do. I love everything about you, um, and, and all of you, you're gonna love listening to this and just go find her, check her out, get on her site, find her and if you are having I want some chaos to peace, this is your girl, because, especially for the I mean men too, I know it, but especially for the women, it takes us too long I feel like to finally start finding our peace. And don't wait, like me, until my 50s. Do it now, in your 20s and 30s. You'll have a better life.

Conny Graf:

Agreed. Yeah, I agree totally. Thank you, Duann, and so happy that you did find your peace and your way right, Because that is important too. It's like it doesn't matter when, it is that you found it. That's my belief.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

Yeah, it is. I think I had it right before. I was ready to have a nervous breakdown from all the stuff I was doing. I was like I can't do this anymore, and then I was like you know what. I'm just not going to.

Conny Graf:

That's it, so all right Do you have a last parting word, yeah? So I just want to encourage people really to take a moment, take a breather and find their peace in their day, every day. We often can just do by just three deep breaths is already bringing some peace in our life. Right the minute we start bringing more peace in our life, that peace will ripple, have a ripple effect out. It will have an effect on your loved ones, on your family, on your children, on your little community, your neighborhood, and we all can use more peace in our life. So let's start with us and give it to ourselves and then to our family.

Dwan Bent-Twyford:

There you have it Best advice of the day. All right, thank you so much for being a guest. I really I love your heart and everyone. We'll see you back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. And remember that the truth is in the red letters. All right, everybody. Ciao. Thank you, connie, thanks so much Bye.