Self-Worth Revolution: Tips for your Transformational Journey

The Power of Resilience in Shaping Self-Discovery and Empowerment

• Vivian Medrano • Season 1 • Episode 2

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Are you ready to embark on a heartfelt journey of transformation and self-discovery? Join me, Vivian Medrano, on a powerful episode of the Self-Worth Revolution podcast as I share my own story and the invaluable lessons I've learned along the way. From the joy-filled days of my childhood in Boston to the struggles of relocating and the trauma that shaped my life, we'll explore the profound ways in which our early memories and experiences influence our sense of self-worth. Get ready to be inspired, empowered, and reminded of the incredible strength of the human spirit. 

In the first chapter, "Memories, Trauma, and Self-Discovery," we dive deep into the bittersweet recollections of my childhood. From the laughter and snow play in Boston to the tougher times that followed, I share candid stories of family life, childhood dreams, and the life-changing car accident that reshaped our lives. This chapter sets the stage for the transformative journey ahead, as we navigate the complexities of self-love and healing. Get ready for a heartfelt and captivating discussion that will leave you inspired to transform your pain into power.

Join me in the second chapter, "Growing Up," as we take a nostalgic journey through the memories that shaped who I am today. From the happiest years spent in Boston to the struggles of leaving and the loneliness that followed, we'll reminisce about the simple pleasures of childhood and the challenges that tested our resilience. This chapter highlights the importance of confronting and healing from past traumas, reminding us that our experiences, both joyful and challenging, play a significant role in shaping our sense of self-worth. Prepare to be moved by the power of resilience and the profound impact our early memories have on our journey to self-discovery.

In the final chapter, "Embracing Self-Love and Empowerment," we invite you to embrace a life of abundance and self-worth. Together, we'll explore the transformative power of shedding the past and finding beauty within. I'll share practical tips for crafting your own beliefs, honoring your authentic self, and waking up each day with love and appreciation for who you are. This empowering chapter is a reminder that self-love is not only possible but essential for living a life of abundance. Join us as we embark on this t

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The "The Self Worth Revolution" Podcast may, at times, cover sensitive topics including but not limited to suicide, abuse, violence, severe mental illnesses, sex, drugs, alcohol addiction, psychedelics and the use of plant medicines. You are advised to refrain from watching or listening to the Podcast if you are likely to be offended or adversely impacted by any of these topics. Neither The Company, The Host nor the guests shall at any time be liable for the content covered causing off...

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best years of my life, growing up as a child, that I could remember living in Boston and then we left. I didn't like leaving. I didn't like leaving at all. It was hard to leave. I don't remember the day I left, but I do remember the circumstances that I was living in when we weren't there anymore, and I don't like it. I used to live with my stepfather's family and my mom. My sister and I used to share this sleeping sofa in the living room where the three of us were. I don't remember. My mom was pregnant with my brother at that time. She had a belly. She's pregnant with him. And then here's my sister and I, and all three of us would sleep together in the sofa bed and it just felt so lonely. We didn't have our own place. There was so many people in that apartment. I didn't like it. It wasn't fun. The fun times went. I don't remember smiling that much anymore.

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Welcome to the self-worth revolution podcast hosted by Vivian Medrano. I am not only a podcaster, but a mother, a nurse, a life coach and a survivor. This podcast is about turning your pain into your power, your experiences into your lessons and to start living a life full of abundance, inner peace and fulfillment. My higher purpose is for my listeners to find their self-worth and their value by following their path to greatness. We are all deserving of living our best lives. It is time to stop identifying with our past. Start living in the present for a better future. This podcast will have guest speakers that will share their stories of how they transformed their lives and found their worth. My mission is to let my listeners know this is your time to shine, to know that you are not alone. Healing is empowering. It takes courage to be vulnerable and our voices have power. Hold on to your lives, because this will be an incredible right of self-transformation, self-empowerment and radical change. It is time for us to take our power back. Welcome to the South Forth Revolution podcast.

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I figured I should start my podcast. My first episode should be about me. I thought it's important to know who the host of this amazing podcast is, and so here we go. My name is Vivian. A lot of people give me the nickname BV or Viv. Just all depends.

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My name is Vivian. That is my birth name. That is the name that my mother gave me. So why that name? Well, when my mom first came into this country because my mom came from Guatemala. It was kind of rough for her to get here. She has a story on how she got here and it's quite interesting. It just makes me value more of who I am and who I come from, because I come from quite a strong woman. And so she named me Vivian because she loved to watch movies in English. That's the way she learned how to speak English. But she said I figure I'm gonna have to learn it somehow some way, so she would watch movies in English and therefore she was able to kind of put together little bits in here. But her favorite movie was Gone with the Wind. And so she named me after Vivian Lee. And my question to her is always mom, why did you spell it with an A and not with an E? She's like I don't know. I don't know. Either way, I love my name. My name means full of life and full of love, and that is who I am.

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No matter the hardships I went through or the struggles or the trauma or the pain I endured, endured, I've always tried to live a life of love. I've always tried not to lose the ability to love others. My problem wasn't that I wasn't able to love others. The problem was that I wasn't able to love myself. Well, that's something that I had to learn through my journey. But a little bit about me still. I was born to a single mom. My mom's a very spirited woman. She brings a lot of love and a lot of joy to everybody who comes into her life. So I guess you could say I have a little bit of my mom in me and I kind of love that, because no matter what challenge I went through in life, I always looked at that woman and said if she could go through what she went through and still love so hard, hold heartedly, then why can't I? So I made a mission that, no matter who hurt me, I was never going to lose the ability to love.

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So I grew up in Antwater. When I was two years old I lived with one of my great-aunts, mamiana, and she was quite a strong woman herself, I might say. Anybody who knows her in the family would say that she was quite feisty at times, but that's what I loved about her. I was la traviesa. That was my nickname that my mamiana gave me, that traviesa. So apparently when I was two years old I was a normal child, I would say, but I was a handful. I guess I was a little bit hyper for my auntie and she didn't really know how to deal with the fact that now she had a two-year-old living in her house and I could kind of be kind of destructive, kind of mischievous, exploring, just being a two-year-old A little tough for my auntie. So that's when my mom decided to explore and so she found the house of her own and so I guess that's when it was just mom and I Don't have too many recollections of that time.

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So something I've come to become more aware of during this healing journey of mine is that when you're a survivor of trauma, your brain has a really funky and weird way of kind of suppressing some memories. There's somewhere in there but they're kind of locked away in a way that you can't remember them. That's something I'm working on right now because I do want to have some memories back of when I was a child, kind of been a little bit tough to remember those memories because I guess they're attached to some memories that I'm not supposed to remember. Something I'm working on right now which I'm proud of. I'm really proud of myself for deciding to take throughout on this healing journey and really working on my inner self, having more understanding and awareness of why I have made some choices that maybe weren't the best choices for me, Maybe dated some people that weren't the healthiest for me, forgave when things shouldn't have been forgiven at that time, gave one too many chances to people that I shouldn't have. I could go down the list. But that's the reason that I'm here. I'm here because change has to happen, and the only way that change is gonna happen is to start with you.

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Alright, so let's go back to the story of me. Vivian, I love that name. I love to say it. I'm quite proud of my name. I think I kind of fit it Alright.

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So don't remember much of that house, but growing up for me was kind of rough. We're gonna talk a little nitty gritty, tiny bit. I grew up with a man who I grew up thinking was my father, but he wasn't. And the day that I found out that he was in my father, it was a day that something so deep inside of me, dark inside of me, lifted off. I felt free. I felt free because I felt in my heart, if somebody loved me, if somebody was truly my father, he would have not treated me the way this man did. So the day that I found out he wasn't was one of my days, one of was one of my first awakenings, but I didn't know it at that time, had a feeling of relief knowing that he wasn't and that was just enough for me at that time. Alright, so my mom married this man. I did see some domestic violence. It was not. I don't wish a child to ever grow through that, but I did. That's part of me, see.

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The thing is that I had to understand that everything that has happened to me in this journey of mine has happened to me for a higher purpose in life. Of course, at that moment in time all I just remember is how dare this man put his hands on my mom? How dare he? But I was a child, so all I knew was to stay quiet, stay still and be safe. So that's what I did. But you know, things happen and all those things that you went through kind of have a way of catching up with you when you get older. But you didn't realize that when you were a child. How could you? You were just a child.

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So here comes along my sister. I can tell you that I remember my sister as a young child. But I be lying to you. That's a little bit of some of the memories that I can't quite remember yet. But I will, because I'm sure my sister and I had some great times together. I'm sure we did. See, the thing was my stepfather had a way of putting us against each other and with time we understood. But at that moment in time, when we were younger, it's hard for two children to know that that is what's happening, and so we didn't know, and so we would fight a lot and bicker a lot. Well, we didn't really quite get along. But one thing I could tell you is that I would never let any harm come to my sister. I protected her. I protected her as much as I could Because I never wanted my sister to ever go through the pain that I went through, and for that I have no regrets, none at all. So here I am in elementary school now, trying to remember the next memory I have of myself.

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Elementary school was an ugh. I didn't care much for elementary school. To be honest with you, I don't have any good memories of elementary school, none at all. I was bullied quite a bit. I stood out, I got bust out. So I got bust out to some of the pretty nice neighborhoods and, well, let's say, I didn't have much money, so I dressed with how I could. There was nothing wrong with the way I dressed. I just didn't have fancy clothes and fancy shoes. I was it, but there was nothing wrong with the way I dressed.

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My mom worked hard to give me what she has and I never once ever Questioned my mom or looked down on my mom and said why can't you get me this? I Was proud that my mom worked as hard as she did and was able to give me what she could, and and there was never a time where I asked my mom to give me anything that was Brand-name, except one thing, and she got it for me and it was LA gear. Do you guys remember LA gears back then? Or you used to put your LA gears on. I used to have like the Crunchy socks and there were different color, so it's usually you were like two or three on top of the LA gears. That was like the end thing and that was cool. Well, I had those and they were fun and that was one of the things that I got and I was so happy I got them because everybody had them, so I wanted them to, you know. So that's one of the things that I can remember my mom bought for me and when she got him for me, I was so happy because I knew how hard my mom had to work in order to get me those pair of tennis shoes and and I wore the heck out of them and so, yeah, mom, that made me so happy. I remember crunching up my socks and feeling so proud to wear my LA gear shoes. So thank you for that.

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So here we go down elementary school and, like I said, I didn't really much care for it, but it is what it is right. We all have to graduate elementary school. So I left that behind and here I am now Growing up. Oh wait, I missed a big part of my life, best part of my life. I lived in Boston For a couple years. Those are my greatest years, honestly. They're the years where I remember the most. They're my happiest years. They we really are.

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My uncles used to play in the snow with me. They used to build leaves. As High as any little kid could remember is probably taller than me, at least that's what I remember and my uncle boy he would throw me into the leaves. And I just remember this was so much fun. I've never had this much fun in my life, ever, and so I won't forget those memories at all playing in the snow, even walking to school, and falling down in the ice. It was so funny. I would remember trying to hold on to that wall as I'm walking down and like I'm trying not to slip and all I could think about is like one more step, one more step, just go on, just keep going, and I would always slip. I've probably had so many bruises that I can't even count them, but it was fun and that's the whole point.

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I had fun going to school. I actually liked that school. It was a great school and I remember my mom would wake me up really early in the mornings and she would always make me some kind of breakfast because she had to go to work early and so I would walk myself to school and and must have been in second grade and I had a friend. I meet a friend and she was so kind and I just remember going down to her apartment Sometimes and she would do my hair, because there were times my mom didn't have time to do my hair. So I would have to do my hair and let me tell you, I had lopsided ponytails and it was so funny, but it was like it didn't matter.

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And I used to love to draw.

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You guys, I just remember that right now I love to draw. It was so much fun. And I remember I drew something I drew a dog, and it was fun, it was great. And there was this after-school program that I used to go to all the time and in this after-school program there was a talent show and I remember everybody used to break dance and I was like, oh, my god, I wish I could do that, I wish I could break dance. And so I have the love for music and the love for dancing, but, dude, I cannot break dance. I would spin on the floor. But it was like the funniest thing. But hey, I thought I knew how to do it and I had fun doing it. But I remember one of the coaches over at the after-school program was like Vivian. I Said what let's do Annie? And I don't know if you guys have ever watched Annie, but back then Annie was pretty cool, it was a cool movie to watch. And so, yeah, I watched Annie and I did the song to Annie and it was so much fun and I just felt so seen and so heard and those were like my best years of my life growing up as a child that I could remember Living in Boston.

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And then we left. I Didn't like leaving. I Didn't like leaving at all. It was hard to leave.

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I Don't remember the day I left, but I do remember the circumstances that I was living in when we weren't there anymore and I don't like it At least to live with my stepfather's family and my mom. My sister and I used to share this Sleeping sofa in the living room when the three of us were. I remember my mom was pregnant with my brother. At that time she had a belly. She's pregnant with him. And then here's my sister and I, and all three of us would sleep together in the sofa bed and it just felt so Lonely. We didn't have our own place. There's so many people in that apartment. I Didn't like it. It wasn't fun. The fun times went.

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I Don't remember smiling that much anymore, I Don't like it at all and so then we found our place and Now my sister and I when we shared beds, and then then there was my brother and Remember when my sister and I shared our bed together. My sister's a boxer oh my gosh, she boxes in her sleep. She would kick me or hit me and just be like all right, we got to change the situation. There is no way this, this could continue to happen like this, because I gotta get some sleep. So we decided to sleep opposites, so she would stop punching me in the face. I don't know if she still sleeps like that, but it was pretty harsh. So I ended up sleeping facing her feet and her facing my feet. But you know what? We had our own bed and we had our own space, and so, even though we were in one room, in one bedroom, I Still like the fact that we had our own place and we didn't have to be sharing it with people, and so that was it for that place.

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I honestly don't have much memories of that. That's when some of my darkest memories started coming back. I Am a survivor of childhood trauma and childhood abuse and I guess that's some of the memories that I have suppressed, because I do have some vivid memories that I have dealt with for a long time and now that I am truly healing, it is coming back to me and I have to deal with it because I have suppressed it for so long. So now the next memories that I have is my mom. I asked quite a few memories with my mom. I guess that's because my mom and I did a lot of things together. I used to help my mom out a lot.

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She worked for this family called the shifts, and they were the family that I saw and and I guess at that time I didn't realize it, but I saw them like the family that I wished that I could have. They lived in a big home, they lived in Pacific Palisades and it seemed like they had it all together. They were so kind to each other, they were so humble. I remember their dad was just so sweet and kind to my mom and Miss Sheave. She was just so adorable and so she had the same name, danny, and so my brother and Danny were like the same age, and so whenever they would have birthday parties, miss Sheave would always make sure to well dress them the same, and I don't know if Danny remembers those moments, but we sure do. We remember that family a lot because that family came into our lives and they actually helped us a lot when we went through some hard times that I'll talk about later. And so I remember, miss Sheave, we didn't have much.

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We used to take the bus everywhere with my mom, the number two I remember that number two Ever since I was little with my mom. My mom didn't drive, so we always took public transportation, so we were always on the bus and my mom got a car and it was so cool. It was a white car and my mom didn't have to take the bus anymore because, mr and Mrs Sheave, they wanted to help my mom out, and so they found this car and my mom bought it and she was proud of it and it was old, they had four wheels and it got us to places and that's all that mattered. And so now we were in this car and I remember I used to always go with my mom and help her babysit, and I think I also did it because I didn't want to be home, and I like to be home. Home was unsafe for me. I felt safe with my mom, so I didn't care what I had to do. If I had to clean and help get my mom in order to finish faster, I'll clean, I'll wash, I'll fold, I'll take care of the munchkins. I didn't care, as long as I was in home. I didn't want to be home without my mom. So I went to help her and I felt so proud and so happy and the neighborhoods just changed along the way when I was in that bus drive and it went from, you know, growing up not seeing beautiful trees and lawns and big homes to then going into like a different neighborhood where all you saw were like these huge homes and grass and beautiful sidewalks, and I always told myself that's where I want to live one day. I want to live in a place like this.

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I dreamed a lot as a child.

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I liked dreaming it was nice and that's what we did. We dreamed when we didn't have too much. We always dreamed of the things that we wanted to have and wished to have as we were older, and so they were part of our lives for a long time. I remember Ms Chief was the first one to ever buy me a two piece bikini and I was so happy because my mom couldn't afford them. They're expensive. Even now they're expensive. And so when I got mine, I was like, wow, I couldn't wait to put it on. It felt so great, it was so nice, but one thing I could tell you it was very uncomfortable wearing my two piece bikini at the pool, because I was always getting looked at and the comments that were made they weren't always the kindest, especially when you're a child.

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It's comments that nobody should ever hear, coming from a grown man to a young girl, and so that's kind of what I grew up with, and in a way, it made me stronger, more vigilant in life and aware of my surroundings, because I was always watching over my shoulder and making sure that I was safe everywhere I walked, everywhere I went, and so it was great seeing a family that was so happy and that the kids were so happy, because I didn't see that all the time in my home. My happiness came from being with my mother, and so, though I don't have many memories with my mother when I was young, the memories that I do have I hold so dear because there's no dark memories attached to them, and that's why I still have them. So what else did I go through in life? I went through so many things in life that I wish I could say I didn't have a lot of hardships, but I'll be lying to you if I told you that? Because I did. And here comes a kicker my mom had to stop working for the shifts and that was so hard. I love going to their house, but we were in a really bad car accident.

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I won't forget that day. I won't forget that day at all. That day lives in my mind more than it should. That day we were going to my auntie's house and my uncle's house because I was going to be turning the big 15 years old and we were going to go practice and have some fun at my uncle's house. And we were probably four blocks away from my uncle's house when this big truck decided to come straight into us. All I remember is my brother sitting in front of me, my sister's next to me, and my mom yells. She yells so loud. I look over her shoulder, I see this big truck coming at us and all I remember is I want to keep my brother safe. I held him tight and waited for impact, and impact happened and the car just was spinning and spinning, and spinning and spinning and it felt like forever until it finally stopped. And when it stopped my brother was in so much pain. I won't forget his screams. I won't forget his cries.

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I look over and my sister's holding her wrist with her bones sticking out, because she held the front seat on impact. And all I can remember hearing as my mom say is there any oil spilling? Is there any oil spilling? That's all I could hear her say. And they said no. Where there was no people, the whole neighborhood came out and we weren't alone. But I couldn't take off that damn seatbelt. I was trying so hard to take off that seatbelt, I just wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I pressed on it. And all I can remember is my poor brother couldn't stop crying and screaming in agony.

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And this guy comes out with a big knife and says, here, cut it. And as I'm going to get the knife, it unsnaps and my brother goes to the front of the floor and he can't stop moving. And all I can remember saying is please, meal, stop moving. Because I remember in the movies they would always say if you're hurt, don't move because it could get worse. So that's all I remember. I just remember that. And I don't remember my sister said I can't please softball no more. I won't be able to please softball no more. My sister was great. She was a great athlete. She was.

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And so the cops get there, the fire department gets there, the paramedics get there and my brother won't stop moving. And they said can't get you on the gurney unless you stop moving. And my brother says I walk, it was only going to be seven, I'll walk. I didn't walk anymore. He got out of that car.

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It was a hard. I didn't know. I didn't know it was happening to my brother and my sister. They had taken them and so my mom and I were left and I remember they were opening up the car with the jaws of life. I didn't know what the jaws of life were before, but it sounded really, really loud, as if we're tearing our car open. And they took my mom. And then they took me and my mom and I went to the same hospital in the same ambulance and I won't forget my mom's screams. I can't forget my mom's screams. They were so loud. She wasn't so much pain. My mom break. In her mind she thought if I break we won't get hit that hard. So my mom's foot was stuck on impact and it shattered her foot, and so every time we hit a bump it was painful. Can you imagine how many bumps we hit along that way. Just imagine, because all I heard was my mom screaming and it was a hard.

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We get to the hospital. My mom's gone, everybody's gone. I'm all alone. There's nobody there. I opened my eyes and the firefighters were there. They said I'm not leaving you, I'm not leaving here alone. And they didn't. They stayed with me until they got me out of the hallway and there was room for me to be seen.

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I was only 14 years old, my brother was only seven and my sister was going to be turning 11. That was one of the hardest things that I went through in life. It was so hard because it changed our lives. It changed our lives, you see, my brother became a paraplegic. We were hit by a drunk driver. We were hit by somebody who was so selfish who got behind and wheeled up a car, intoxicated, and he changed our lives forever. And it was so hard to see my brother, who was so happy and playful and he loved to dance. He still loves to dance, by the way. His spirit he didn't lose his spirit, but for a while he did. But I'm sure glad. I remember when my brother got that spirit back, because I love my brother's spirit. He has such a huge heart, such a loving person. He just loves people and he loves to laugh. And that was kind of gone for a little bit.

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So that day in the hospital I remember feeling all alone and then my aunt and my uncle came in. They came in and they wiped my blood off my face and they stayed with me for a while. But nobody told me about my brother. But my sister was good. She was casted. She was happy that she had a cast. She thought it was totally cool having a cast. So she was out. The next day they had her over night's observation.

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I stayed in the hospital for another five days. I did a random series of tests because I had bruises all over my body. The first person I wanted to see was my brother. I got to see my sister. So here I am, I'm going to go see my brother. I'm totally happy. I'm going to go see my brother. I see my brother. I don't see my brother. I see tubes, a whole shitload of tubes, and he's in this magic bag that's flipping him. And I know the nurse is talking. I don't hear her talking. I don't know what they were saying and I just started wailing. And I just started wailing and I wouldn't stop wailing. I couldn't believe that was my brother, that couldn't be my brother and it was. But you know what?

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My brother's a fighter and he fought and he fought hard and I remember him in the hospital. He was a feisty guy. He used to call him Hetermia Mour. Her name was Teresa Hunt. That was our nurse and he used to call him Hetermia Mour because he was so loving.

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But he was feisty. He had a strong heart, heart of a lion. He roared when he needed a roar and he would fight when he needed a fight. And he had a good reason to fight. He was angry, as he should be. He was mad, as he should be. Why shouldn't he be mad? He should be mad, and so he was and I was there for him. I was there for him and I took him food and I took care of him.

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My mom couldn't go all the time. My mom didn't get out of the hospital and when she did she was in 100%. So I would go, I would take the bus and I would take him food and I would spend days with him and I had some great memories with him in that hospital and I remember him. He was always giving the nurses such a hard time and the physical therapist a hard time. They were always looking for him. He hated physical therapy. They were always on the hunt for him, but he had some amazing care.

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And that's where my journey of becoming a nurse came from. I saw how those nurses took care of my brother and took care of us and I told myself, wow, they love us, they really care about us, and we're not even their family. And that's when I became a nurse and I decided that I needed to give back. So I did. But before that journey could start, I had to go through another steps of my journey on my own. I was there for my brother the whole time. And so now here we are, my brother's out of the hospital and, yeah, our lives changed Through the years. Our lives became better, and so here I am. We moved to a new apartment, I meet a new friend, and this new friend got me through high school.

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My first couple of days at this new school weren't so easy. The bullying started all over again, kind of like the summer. I didn't have to deal with school. I loved just taking care of my brother. That brought me happiness, because it brought me happiness when he laughed and he smiled and he saw me, and I was going to give him that. In a place that was so horrible and so scary for him, I was able to give him some joy, and so I liked it.

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So here I am, back in school. Now I'm in high school. Gotta remember, though, my husband went from seventh to twelfth grade, so it was quite scary, yep, and we were segregated. We were all in one big school together. So here I am trying to figure out how to get to classes In seventh grade at a new school, knew nobody, and everybody knew themselves, because they all went to the same elementary school.

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So here I am, the outsider again, and had to learn to fight for myself, and I think this is the first time that I actually spoke up and the bullying stopped, and I was so happy at the bullying stopped at that time because I was so tired of being bullied, I couldn't deal with it anymore. And so here I am in high school. It's supposed to be our best years of our lives, and all I wanted to know was would I go to college and get away from home? I didn't want to be home. I did not want to be with that person. I did not want to live with that man in that household. I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. So school became my safe haven and I love now going to school. I had such amazing friends. I still have my friends till this point. Some of us have kind of gone our way, but that's okay. They were in our lives when we needed them and that's all that matters and I have those memories with me.

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Well, I met my son's father in high school, in eighth grade, and at first it all seemed fun and dandy and great and I loved it. But then things weren't so happy. But this was my first boyfriend and I figured, oh no, he wasn't. I actually had a boyfriend before him and he was actually a good guy. Don't know what happened, so I won't go there because I was a good guy. And so, yeah, I dated him and I guess high school could have been fun, right, but I lost some friends because of him. A lot of people told me he wasn't the right person for me. But I wouldn't listen Because I wanted to see that he was a good person. And well, he was angry. He would get mad really easy. He would snap at me. He would say very hurtful things.

Speaker 1:

I thought I was leaving a man that treated me bad and finding a boyfriend that treated me good. That wasn't always the case. I learned a lot and learned it all, though. So I ended up getting accepted into college and I couldn't wait to leave. But before I left someday, one day, something happened, and I kind of had enough that day, and I snapped and I packed my bags and I told my mom I'm out of here, gone, I'm done, can't do this, no more, I'm done with this place, I'm done with this house.

Speaker 1:

See, every time I got in trouble, my mom would always say I'm going to tell your dad, I'm going to tell your dad. Well, this time I had enough. See, my mom didn't know what I was going through. My mom didn't know that I got sucker, punched in the face by that man and he made me bleed. He opened up my mouth and he made me bleed. That's just one of the things that he did. He would make us kneel on rice and beans and hold our hands up in the air so we could feel the pain on our knees.

Speaker 1:

Ask me if I could remember what we did to deserve such punishment, because I can't remember what any child would do to receive such punishment, because I don't know, but those are the punishments that we would get. And so this day I took off and I went to my boyfriend's house and his mom said what's going on? And I was very open with her and I told her what's going on and she said you have to tell your mom. And I said my mom don't listen, she doesn't listen and I can't go back to that house. She was like well, I'm going to call your mom. And I said okay, go ahead, call my mom. So she did, and my mom agreed to meet us at the church.

Speaker 1:

And so we met her at the church and I told my mom what I went through, all those years of the abuse that I endured since I was a young child, that a lot of people don't know of, that I kept to myself because I didn't want to hurt other people. So it was hurting myself, keeping it to myself, and that's why I was so angry a lot of times. I was so angry with people that I didn't want to understand why, because they didn't understand why. So I told my mom and my mom told me that he was not my father and that she had lied to me all those years because she thought she was doing something good for me and that she didn't want me to know what it felt not to have a father. So she told me that she was and he wasn't.

Speaker 1:

And when I heard that, I cried and bawled. I was so happy. I was so happy to hear that. It was one of my happiest days to hear that that man was not my father. And so that's when I got my first freedom. That is the day I got my first freedom, and I'm so happy for it, because I love my mom and I love my brother and my sister. So I know that that was a purpose. She had to meet that man, because she didn't meet that man, I wouldn't have my brother and my sister, who I love so dearly. So they're the only two great things that came into my life from him.

Speaker 1:

And so here I go off to college and I'm so happy. I'm so happy to be going to college and getting away. All that stuff is behind me and I'm getting away and it's not going to be part of my life anymore, as so I thought. And so I went to college my first two years and I went to Merriman College and I still talked to some of those friends and there were some great people there. It was a beautiful campus, beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous campus. And so I finished my school there, graduated proud of myself, first college graduate, you know, and I would have never imagined, because school was so hard for me which is my second language and speak the language for so long. It was hard, I got through it.

Speaker 1:

I remember one day a teacher told me I don't even know why you're here. I was my English teacher in college and if it was for her I probably would have stopped going to school and not believing in myself. But I believed in myself and I knew I could do it. I knew English was hard for me and I was probably a difficult student for her, but it wasn't because I didn't try, because I really tried my hardest. But her words were hurtful because she told me that she didn't think what the grades I got I was ever going to make it. Well, fooled her. Huh, the more you told me I wasn't going to make it, the more I told myself I was.

Speaker 1:

And so here I am, get accepted into University of San Francisco, and I was like, yes, further away. So it's really not going to be part of my life anymore. And so I go to college and I get pregnant at 23 and I have my son, my son Nicholas, who is now 24. Well, things didn't work out with him, his dad and I. Yeah, everybody was right. He was not the right man for me. He wasn't. The verbal abuse was pretty harsh, the emotional abuse was pretty harsh, and, well, he cheated on me, and it probably wasn't the first time. But I had enough.

Speaker 1:

And one of the strongest women that I know and I will never, ever, ever, ever forget how she helped me is Mama Susan. We call her Mama Susan she's Nicholas paternal grandma, by the way and she came to come get us. We rented this U-Haul and here I have my six week old son and I'm packing all the stuff in the U-Haul and taking everything with me, because I bought everything myself. We drove back home, to the home that I'm at now. So I came back home with my son.

Speaker 1:

I stopped going to school when I had him and I looked at my son and I said your mom's going to make it, son, no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to make it, we're going to make it. And so at eight months, here I am in nursing school, and it was hard, it was not easy, but I met my daughter's father and he's the one that raised my son since he was two years old, and he was a lot of help during nursing school, and my mom was a lot of help. I was blessed with a lot of help, and so I finished nursing school and I became a nurse at the age of 25. And here I am, providing in a way that nobody probably thought it was possible, and I am a single mom and I thought I wasn't going to do it at first. And then just something came to me when I saw him and I said, no, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it for him because I have to. There's no choice. I didn't have a choice, I didn't give myself a choice. I told myself that I was going to do it and I did. And so here I am, now a nurse.

Speaker 1:

And then a couple of years fast forward, go by and I have my daughter at the age of 28. What a bundle of energy she was. She was truly a bundle of energy. Oh geez, do I have some memories with a young girl, and so now I'm a mother of two and it's such an amazing feeling. Being a mother is such a beautiful thing. But, like I told you, I thought I left everything behind.

Speaker 1:

And so the years go by, brad and I kind of fell apart 15 years later, and it wasn't easy. It was actually pretty hard because it was a long time that we were together. I don't have anything bad to say about Brad. He's actually a good guy. He's one of the good guys. Things just didn't work out between us. We're great parents together for our children. We're always going to be family and we're always going to care for one another, and that's the important part. Our children know that, that we love them regardless of whether we're together, and so we've been able to co-parent together really beautifully, and so we have our 24-year-old and our 19-year-old daughter.

Speaker 1:

But you see, I always still felt that something was missing in me and I had to find somebody to complete me what I should have done. Let's start healing then. But I didn't. I guess it wasn't my time quite yet. So a couple years later now I meet my ex. It's quite a journey.

Speaker 1:

I dated him for two years. I couldn't quite understand what I was going through or what my body was going through, but it felt uneasy and unsafe. I made excuses, I lied. I was ashamed of what I went through. My family would tell me over and over again that he wasn't the right guy for me, but I would just not listen. I didn't want to listen. I would see his potential. I would think he's a good guy behind all that darkness. Then he broke me down and I would cry. I saw emptiness. He didn't care that he would make me cry. It's like he got something out of it when he saw me crying, which is kind of sick to think of it, but that's the reality of it. It happened one too many times that it should have, but it did.

Speaker 1:

But it taught me a lot. See, I had to go through that because he was a true reflection. If you put a mirror, he was like looking at my stepfather. God had to show me the hard way that I had to heal, that I had to stop suppressing and running away from my pain and my trauma that I had gone through so many years. And he was my sign that God was showing me Vivian, you need to stop. You need to stop running away. You've run away for too long.

Speaker 1:

And so here I am, not running away and facing my fears and my pain and my trauma, and I could sit here and tell you that it has been easy, but it hasn't. It's been quite the opposite, it was really hard. It was really hard to sit in a dark place by yourself and have to face all that darkness and understand that what happened to me is why I was making the choices in my life that I was and why I was welcoming the people into my life that I shouldn't have been. So I had to go through everything that I went through in my life to get me where I am today, and what I could tell you about today is I love when becoming. I love that I have used my pain as my power and my experiences are my lessons because I am a more empowered me.

Speaker 1:

And this is why I created this podcast the self worth revolution because I had to go through all that to realize my worth, to realize that, because I didn't find myself worthy, that I questioned whether I was good enough so many times, that what I was welcoming into myself was the unhealed version of me, and that had to stop with me. And the reason I'm doing this podcast is because I know other people have been through what I have been through and think that they can't get out of it. And I'm here to tell you that you can. And through all that darkness, through all that pain, believe me, the tunnel feels like it's forever. But it's not, it's temporary. But only you could stop it. You have to make that choice, just like I made that choice to see yourself and to know that you're worthy of the best, that you're enough as who you are, that your past does not define you and that your struggles are just there to empower you.

Speaker 1:

I had to learn that it took me 46 years to understand what I went through and what God was trying to show me all those years, through different people. See, I was kind of dating the same person and just different people. The person I was running away from. I was finding him in different people. I got it, I understood it and when I finally became aware and I was able to reflect on it all, it made sense. It made sense when my body felt so uneasy. It made sense why I felt so unsafe. It made sense why it didn't make me feel comfortable.

Speaker 1:

See, at the end, when I finally started listening, it all started coming back together. I had to stop running and I did. And the moment I stopped running is the moment I found myself. It's the moment that I started living my life the way I'm supposed to live it. And so I'm here to tell you that you are worthy and you are enough and you are deserving of the best. You are strong, you are brave, you are courageous and you are deserving. And I want to tell you that you are, because I know I am, and if I could do it, you could do it, because nothing is impossible. We make it possible. We make living the life that we are worthy of living possible.

Speaker 1:

So, if you are ready to start living a life of abundance, if you are ready to let go of what doesn't resonate with you, if you are ready to say fuck it all. This is my time to live, this is my time to shine, this is my time to turn that darkness into my brightest light ever. If you are ready for that, then this is the podcast for you. This podcast is for you to start embracing your true self, your authentic self, and stop living in the past and stop living within your pain and start creating your own beliefs, your own agreements and waking up every morning and looking at yourself in that mirror and saying I love you. Are you ready Because I'm ready for you to join me on this beautiful journey of empowerment, transformation, alignment and finding your worth in life?

Speaker 1:

It is not the destination that matters, it's how you get there. This is a process. This is a journey. Through this journey, you're only going to find the beauty within yourself. The time starts now. I love you all. Thank you for taking your time and connecting with me on this beautiful journey of life. Please subscribe and review, and don't forget to follow so you don't miss out on any of these amazing and empowering episodes. Always remember you matter. If nobody has told you today, I am here to tell you that you are enough, you are worthy and you are deserving of the best. Every day that you wake up, I want you to take one moment and just look at yourself in the mirror and know that the person staring back at you is so proud of you and loves you beyond measures. You are a true warrior.