Self-Worth Revolution: Tips for your Transformational Journey

From Shadows to Sunshine Embracing Inner Transformation with John Merkus

• Vivian Medrano • Season 1 • Episode 14

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Sometimes the hardest battles we face are with the ghosts of our past, but confronting them can lead to a beautiful transformation. Just ask John, our esteemed guest on the podcast, who bravely shares the metamorphosis of his beliefs surrounding marriage and commitment. His powerful narrative highlights the monumental shift from pain to love, proving that the journey to self-worth is not just about finding love but rediscovering ourselves along the way.

In our heartfelt conversation, we tackle the intricacies of vulnerability, personal boundaries, and the art of emotional communication within the fabric of today's society. John's experiences shed light on the delicate balance between showing our true selves and respecting our own limits. We also delve into the strength that comes from personal responsibility and empathy, sharing stories that underscore the profound influence our reactions to life's situations have on our happiness and identity.

Finally, we discuss the rich tapestry of self-discovery and authenticity that defines our lives' purpose. John's candid reflections inspire listeners to forge genuine connections and to honor their unique paths toward greatness. As you absorb the wisdom from this episode, let it be a reminder of the abundance you deserve and the power of affirming your own worth. Join us on this transformative journey, and don't forget to subscribe for more empowering stories that light the way to living your best life.

Guest Speaker: John Merkus is a man of many traits. Through his transformational and personal growth journey he changed not only his view on life but the beauty of sharing a powerful connection with another. He is now a proud family man to his beautiful wife and children. He is also an inspirational guest speaker, personal developmental life coach, and podcaster. His podcast is called "Rise and Thrive- Conversations for Greatness." Attached are the links to connect with him and get inspired on the daily with his words of wisdom and gratitude to life.

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The "The Self Worth Revolution" Podcast may, at times, cover sensitive topics including but not limited to suicide, abuse, violence, severe mental illnesses, sex, drugs, alcohol addiction, psychedelics and the use of plant medicines. You are advised to refrain from watching or listening to the Podcast if you are likely to be offended or adversely impacted by any of these topics. Neither The Company, The Host nor the guests shall at any time be liable for the content covered causing off...

Speaker 1:

at the effect of everything else that happens to me. Why did that happen to me? Poor me. It shouldn't have happened to me All this kind of stuff. Now, I'm not saying that I never have those thoughts, because sometimes I do. You've got to check yourself and go hang on a minute. What kind of life do I want to live? What kind of mindset do I want to have? What is going to bring me more happiness? A mindset of everything happens to me for a reason that it serves me or I'm the effect of everything around me. Living life.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the Self Worth Revolution podcast hosted by Vivian Medrano. I am not only a podcaster, but a mother, a nurse, a life coach and a survivor. This podcast is about turning your pain into your power, your experiences into your lessons and to start living a life full of abundance, inner peace and fulfillment. My higher purpose of for my listeners to find their self worth and their value by following their path to greatness. We are all deserving of living our best lives. It is time to stop identifying with our past. Start living in the present for a better future. This podcast will have guest speakers that will share their stories of how they transformed their lives and found their worth. My mission is to let my listeners know this is your time to shine, To know that you are not alone. Healing is empowering. It takes courage to be vulnerable and our voices have power. Hold on to your lives, because this will be an incredible right of self transformation, self empowerment and radical change. It is time for us to take our power back. Hi welcome, Hi good to meet you.

Speaker 2:

Good to meet you too. How's everything in Australia?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's going very good. It's the start of summertime here, so it's a good vibe in the air. It's wonderful around here at the moment.

Speaker 2:

Well, welcome to the Southworth Revolution podcast. I am so glad to have you, john. This is amazing to connect with one another, just meeting on this podcast journey. We've met so many great people and you're one of them. I wanted you to tell us a little bit about yourself.

Speaker 1:

Thanks, vivian. Well, it's wonderful to be on the show. I love what your show is about and I love your mission, and it resonates very well with me. I'm big on personal development and self-awareness One of the things that I found from a young age.

Speaker 1:

When I learned something in the area of personal development or something that bettered myself, I wanted to share that with others. I've had this desire for many, many years, and now podcasting has allowed me to have a platform to be able to do that to a wider audience. I always wanted to become an international speaker, and I'm doing that now. So a little bit about myself I am married to a lovely wife and two kids. I'm a family man, and so family comes first, and I live in Melbourne, australia, as you mentioned, and I'm just loving life at the moment, vivian. I've had my struggles, like everybody, but with the things that I've learned and I found, the better you can make yourself, the better life is. So I'm happy to share any of those bits of golden wisdom that I've learned along the way with you as we have a chat today.

Speaker 2:

I think one of the things that really stood out to me was. One of the things that you mentioned was your family and your children, and that now you're able to accept love, and I think that that's something that I want you to explain more of, and the reason why is because you mentioned that, through your journey of healing and transformation, that is how you're able to know how the life you're living right now, which is with your wife, your children, and you're able to understand love and receive love where before, for you, must have been difficult.

Speaker 1:

It was. It was, and part of the learning and the discovery that I needed to have was I had something in my past that was dictating my future and I didn't even realize it. So I did some work on myself and I realized I made a decision as an upset teenager and decided I was never going to get married and marriage was a sham and a lie and why would you bother? So I lived that way and I forgot that. I made that decision and I'm in my mid 30s thinking I'm a bachelor, I'm going to be a bachelor forever and this is fine and that's all great.

Speaker 1:

And then I did a personal development course and I realized that what happened in the family home was we had a family dinner. I was 16 years old and my father had said at the dinner table I think that this day and age, parents should be able to sleep in separate rooms. I thought that was really weird. Right? That doesn't sound like someone that would say that if they were in love with their partner. So I'm drawing the dishes with my mother in the kitchen and I said to mum doesn't dad love you anymore? And she turned to me and she said I don't know, john, I don't know. And that absolutely devastated me, because of course you love your parents, you want them to be together and to have that realization. And then for my mother to say that to me, I felt really sad for her too. She certainly wasn't coming from her side. She was a loving, devoted mother and wife. And so at that moment I decided I am never getting married and marriage is a sham and it's just a lie. Look, they're just together because for the kids or because they have to, you know whatever the reasons. But the whole thing just turned me off. And then. So that happened when I was 16 and then I just lived like that and then I didn't realize. So once I inquired to why I felt that way, I did this personal development course, which was amazing and that opened up a whole new world for me. When I smashed through there I don't want to live my adult life by the decision a 16 year old boy made when he was upset. I can, I want to break through that and be different from that.

Speaker 1:

So after I decided that I, not long after that I met my wife, and because we were at a certain age we were 38 when we met we had both been around the block, so to speak, and we thought well, we're in love, we want to start a family, let's go for it. So we met in the May. The month of May. We moved in together. That year. In the month of September, I proposed in the month of October. We were married the next year in February, and in March she was pregnant with our first child. So she'd be lying on the couch and we'd be in the lounge room and I'd say I haven't even known you a year and you're my wife and we're having a kid together. And that was 15 years ago. So that's, it's been absolutely wonderful. So, yeah, it was only through breaking through that that I was able to accept and have the love in my life that I have today.

Speaker 2:

And that's so beautiful that you share that, because I think a lot of people walk around in this world not believing the existence of love and really identifying with what they grew up with or, like you said, your parents separating. And I grew up in a very broken household too, and I actually, on the contrary, I decided that I was going to find love, and love was going to be there for me, because I grew up in a house where I saw my stepfather mistreat my mom left and right, and domestic violence was just something that became so common to me, and so I thought that that was not the love that I wanted and how, but that was a comfortable love that I understood of and not in growing up I didn't realize that the love that I was attracting into myself was the same love that I was running away, which was the love that I grew up with and I grew up with this thing, which was the love that my stepfather gave my mom, and my mom forgave and forgave and forgave. So I always realized, hey, my mom's such a beautiful being, she's such a wonderful person. You know, maybe all I have to do is forgive, forgive, forgive, and then they'll eventually realize what an amazing person I am.

Speaker 2:

Well, through my journey, I also realized that that is not the kind of love that I want and that is not the kind of love that I deserve. But I also had to go through that phase in my life and witness what I did as a child and know that is not what love is. And so now I have not met my partner yet, but I know that will happen in due time, because now I am working on myself, as you worked on yourself, and so I always tell people there is love and love conquers all. You just have to truly believe in it.

Speaker 1:

I couldn't agree with you more and I really hear what you're saying, because I have heard that children learn how to love from their parents. So having that awareness as to oh where do I get my perceptions and understanding of love or probably from a lot of places, but one of the major influences is your parents so having that understanding and then to be able to do that inquiry is really, really important. So well done for doing the work, because I imagine that would be pretty tough work and a bit of several breakthroughs along the way and breaking through the pain.

Speaker 2:

It is and I'm still working on it. I am actually really, really excited because I have my first somatic therapy session this coming week, and inner work and inner child healing is definitely not easy, and I think that's why I held back for so long, not consciously knowing that I was suppressing all that pain within me. And so now I'm just like in that phase where I'm not afraid and I'm not ashamed of what I went through in its time to basically unravel, reveal and let go of everything that I have hidden in my subconscious mind and say OK, away with you. Now see how we're going to use you, and use you in a very powerful and positive way, because I am a firm believer that we all go through everything we go through in life, even our pain, our trauma, our hurt, in order for us to find our higher purpose in life. We wouldn't be here if we didn't go through it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's right, and I think the perception that life can or should be easy is not based in reality, because there's going to be hurt and pain on the way, but there's also going to be love and happiness as well, and so, as they say, you've got to experience the dark to know the light.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. I feel that if we all lived in this life where everything was given to us, everything we wanted was just handed over to you here it's free, here, get it here we wouldn't value things that came to us because we wouldn't have to work towards it. So I feel that the struggles are a way of us now appreciating the good that comes through us, because we're acknowledging the value that it took for us to get there, kind of like not getting to the destination, because the destination doesn't really matter. It's the process that it takes to get to that place, which is our journey in life, and every little step that we take is a learning process. It's a lesson.

Speaker 1:

It is indeed, and, like we say in training, there no mistakes, only learning experiences. And look, we're in total ignorance, which is awesome, because I feel the same. I feel if everything was handed to us and it was easy, breezy and there were no challenges. There's no learning and growth in that and sometimes, even though it is uncomfortable, one of the things that helps me get through some uncomfortable times, because they still happen. My world's not unicorn and rainbows, although I do have plenty of them.

Speaker 1:

But is that you know? Words create your world and everything starts with a thought.

Speaker 1:

So, to be mindful of the words you're thinking and the words that you're saying is really powerful and can really serve you in a way, and I would encourage every one of your listeners to just listen to themselves and if you're having any self-negative talk, maybe check yourself and how can you reword that into something that's a little bit more positive. Even like what we were saying there's no mistakes, there's only learning experiences. So something happens to you, you go oh, that was a learning experience. What did I learn from that? How can I be better if that happens to me next time?

Speaker 2:

It all comes from self-awareness and self-reflection, which is the hardest thing for people to do, because sometimes it's easier to blame another than to actually take accountability for what you're going through in life, and a lot of times we're not at fault for what we're going to, but what we're at fault as is not taking the step to understand and to deeply understand yourself, which is really hard. I want to talk to you about a man's perspective on vulnerability, because I'm sure for you going through this phase in life of understanding what you went through as a teenager and through your 20s and into your 30s when you found your wife, there was a long journey of vulnerability that you had to understand yourself. What would you say were the positive ends of now being able to be vulnerable and what was hard for you to become vulnerable within yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's an interesting question, Vivian. It's not something anyone's really asked me like that before. I'm happy to share. I'm happy to share, be vulnerable, happy to do anything and everything with you.

Speaker 1:

I think, looking back now, one of the things that I was doing that I didn't realize I was doing, that, if I could give myself some advice, if I could go back in time and give myself some advice on, I thought I was a super cool bachelor man, you know, living the life and then whatever, and all I was doing was drinking too much alcohol and trying to party and suppress those feelings through doing those things.

Speaker 1:

And when I stopped and thought that's not how I want to live, that's not serving me, that doesn't work for my body or my mind, when I stopped that lifestyle, that's when things really, really opened up for me. So that's something that I am happy to share because of these people out there that are avoiding things by trying to use people, places and things to make themselves feel better and use that as an avoidance tactic. It's very temporary and actually hurts you and it doesn't serve you. So one of the other things that I found is that whenever I do talk about how I'm feeling and be real. That's where I feel the most connected to people. So you know, both of us, we have to be on social media to promote what we're doing and we love what we're doing.

Speaker 2:

And.

Speaker 1:

I wasn't feeling very upbeat one time, and I made a video and said to people I love to be motivated and happy, and that's the goal, but I'm not always like that, and that's why I need to plug into things that motivate me and surround myself with people that love me and uplift me to be able to get to and get to that state, so that video had a bigger reaction than any other video that I've had before, and I put it down to just being vulnerable and real.

Speaker 1:

I feel like I'm real all the time, but I didn't want people to think and watch my stuff and go oh, this guy is always happy and he's always upbeat and he's always motivated. I am a lot, but I'm like people as well. Sometimes, if I don't have a good night's sleep or you know, there's some other pardon me things that are happening in my life that I would rather not happen, sometimes I can get down as well. The thing that I love, though, is, over the years, I've built up the tools and the knowledge and the awareness to help me get through that.

Speaker 1:

And one of the biggest things that's helped me is when you feel like that, even though it feels like you're going to feel like that forever, it always passes. Time is on your side. It always passes and sometimes it doesn't pass as quickly as you'd like it to, but there are things that you can do to have the feeling of negativity or lack of self-worth and all that kind of stuff. There's things that you can do to break through that. And sometimes I've heard of other people when they've had challenges in their life and they might have read a book that they wouldn't have read before, or they might have seen something or reached out to someone that they hadn't before until it was only through that adversity that they had that breakthrough in their life is better now. So it's a bit like what you were talking about before how, when these things happen, might not feel like it at the time, but it's actually a gift.

Speaker 1:

So having that mindset has really helped me get through those times and I tell people I love them. If I love you, I'll tell you. So that's a bit been vulnerable as well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so, and as a man that always doesn't, wouldn't say it doesn't land, but it shocks people sometimes. So my friends know me, they'll know so. So you know we say mate all the time in Australia. So if I'm talking to someone, we're having a good conversation, it's a friend of mine at the end of the call or whatever. So I love you, mate.

Speaker 2:

I know, and it's like okay. So for you as a man, it was hard for you to be within your vulnerability and say I love you, which is something that should come natural. As humans, you're supposed to be able to be into a feminine energy, which that's the energy that you're able to give love, receive love, show empathy, compassion, or we could get out of that masculine energy where you have to be strong all the time, you have to be courageous all the time, and I think that's the healthy balance, right. But for women, what's hard for them is to say the word no, where for men, it's easier to say no.

Speaker 2:

And for us, it's easier to say I love you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah right.

Speaker 2:

And so why do you think there's such a difference in women not being able to say the word no and men not being able to say I love you as much as we should to create a healthy balance between us?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think Jesus, that's a good question and that's really really good. I think about that, I think, I think and this is a generalization- Of course. Yeah, I think women like to please people and be people Pleasers have a tendency for that more than men do. And again, it's a generalization, but I think that's part of it, I think that's part of it. I think you don't and I think as human beings. We don't necessarily want to upset people, so saying no could cause upset.

Speaker 2:

Exactly.

Speaker 1:

And I think mainly women don't want to cause upset and men have an ability. I don't think we want to cause upset either, but I think we have an ability to. I don't know why we can say no more often, but Maybe it's because we're not as emotional, generally speaking, as women, so we're not as emotional about the no as maybe the fairer sex is. I don't know. This is a can of worms.

Speaker 2:

I honestly think it's because it's harder for women to set boundaries. In a way, and this is something that I know I was indeed a people pleaser, and the reason why it was because I always had the fear of rejection. I had the fear of upsetting somebody or confrontation. Something that I always avoided was confrontation. I didn't do well with confrontation, so I learned not to be able to speak up for myself and have a voice, and one of the last things that we would do ever say no, because if we said no then we were not respecting Our father, our father figure, right, or a man.

Speaker 2:

So women always felt or I guess we were programmed into believing that we couldn't say the word no. The word no was negative. And how dare we and for men probably were programmed to believe that you were, I guess, had to have like this superior, complex kind of in a way, where it's okay to speak up and have a voice and say no. So therefore, you grew more comfort, but men were then taught that you couldn't feel your feelings and feel your emotions, where women were more taught to. Like you, it's important for you to feel what you feel and feel your emotions, hence why we're more emotional than men could be right.

Speaker 2:

But I think in return we kind of disconnected from one another, because when men want to accept love, it's really difficult for them to accept love, because it's hard for them to understand what it is to receive that kind of love Like. Is it genuine love, is it really caring love, or what is it that they want from me? Do they want something from me? Are they really being genuine? And then women are like wait, but if I say no, they're not going to love me the way I deserve to be loved. So let's not say no because I need to be able to please them in order for them to love me.

Speaker 2:

So I think it's just a way we're programmed in being raised since we were children and that's why, growing up now we're starting to understand, men and women, that in order to connect with one another, we have to both be able to say no when we need to say no and be emotionally intelligent in that area. Where it's like it's okay to feel your emotions, it's okay to feel anger, happiness, sadness and understand why you're feeling that way. And if you have to say no because something makes you feel uncomfortable on both ends, say no. It's called understanding. And then men, they should be able to say I love you without the fear of being rejected by a woman, because they're able to know their feelings and understand their emotions.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think that's really interesting, vivina, and I think that most people avoid rejection, so if you, think you're going to be in a situation where there's rejection possible, you'll avoid it, and that's being human.

Speaker 1:

I was really interested in what you were saying before about what a no, what you make that mean or what that's meant to you in the past. So you have associated that meaning with the word no or saying no to someone, and one of the things that I learned through my personal development is, whatever I make something mean, it doesn't necessarily mean it means that.

Speaker 2:

That's your own perception.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's right. So it might not mean that for someone else, or maybe I'm conflating what happened with what I made. It mean right? So if you're in a situation and someone said no to me. I could throw on top of that a whole bunch of meaning so they don't love me, or they rejected me, or they don't think I'm any good, or whatever. The meanings are that I keep on to that no, and what it means is somebody said no.

Speaker 2:

That's all it means. Exactly, it's so simple.

Speaker 1:

It's so simple. But as human beings, we love to throw emotion and meaning onto everything and, as I understood that because I can learn that in school I had to go out and seek that knowledge. It really freed up a lot for me to make sure that I am really mindful of what happened and what am I making. It mean that doesn't necessarily, and that also goes to personal responsibility, like we were talking about before. It's easy to like to blame others or other things or people for your circumstances, but if you can have a mindset of personal responsibility.

Speaker 1:

everything happens to me for a reason, and then part of that is and it serves me. We've talked a bit about that already. Having having that mindset, I believe, gives you the power to use whatever happens in your life for yourself, to empower yourself. So if everything happens for a reason. It serves me If I'm driving in traffic and someone cuts me off, that happens for a reason.

Speaker 2:

That's my responsibility.

Speaker 1:

I was in that lane or I was there at that time, or whatever, so it's not their fault. Everything that happens to me is my responsibility. It serves me and it happens for a reason, and, to be honest, I don't even know if that's the truth, but what I do know is that kind of thinking is more empowering than I'm at the effect of everything else that happens to me. Why?

Speaker 1:

did that happen to me. Poor me, shouldn't have happened to me All this kind of stuff. Now I'm not saying that you, that I never have those thoughts, because sometimes I do. You've got to check yourself and go hang on a minute. What kind of life do I want to live? What kind of mindset do I want to have? What is going to bring me more happiness? What is my mindset of everything happens to me for a reason that serves me, or I'm at the effect of everything around me in life? So sort of share that, because it's really been powerful in how I've lived my life and made my life better.

Speaker 2:

I think that's important. It's one of my models is I can't control the actions of others, but I could only control my own actions and how I respond. And how I respond to others is what I have control over. So I think it's funny how we all always mentioned driving. Right, we're behind the wheel of the car and a lot of people do get affected when they drive. They become really enraged and angry at what somebody else does. And I know, I've been there, I used to do that, you know and sometimes we have our good days and our bad days.

Speaker 2:

But one thing I've really noted with myself throughout everything that I've gone through is I'm more relaxed when somebody does something, and on the freeway, on the highway, where I'm like, okay, I start now. Maybe they had a not a good day, maybe they're in a rush somewhere, and so then, instead of me getting upset or reacting how dare you get in front of me? What's your problem? Why are you going so slow? Like, come on, let's hurry up? I take a step back and I'm like, okay, I'll go around them.

Speaker 2:

I like make a logical decision that I can make for myself, without me using them as an excuse on why I can't go around them. You know it's like if somebody cuts you in line you can get upset, but they still cut you in line. So you can either react that they cut in front of you in line and then they're going to react back to you, or just leave it alone. And there's just sometimes where you have to fight your battles, like sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. And it's okay to pick your battles because some things are not worth giving your energy to.

Speaker 1:

Totally agree, and also I like what you do there about showing empathy, because you never know what's going on for somebody else, and one of my favorite poems is called the cookie thief. Do you know it?

Speaker 2:

No, please stop.

Speaker 1:

I encourage you to look that up and you're listening to look that up. I forget the author, but if you look up cookie thief poem, it's amazing and it's a story about a lady that was in a circumstance. I don't want to give too much of it away because it's got a really twisted ending.

Speaker 1:

But it's a story about someone that thought a situation was occurring and it was nothing like what was occurring, but it was too late to go back and apologize for her behavior. So it was really interesting that that poem and I've memorized it and given it in some of my talks and speeches Because it is so powerful and it does give us the message that you think you know exactly what's happening in a situation. It must be this way.

Speaker 1:

And then you get a piece of other information, you go oh my God, I had no idea that that was happening. It only happened to me last couple of weeks with my son. He said to me he's in year seven, so I'm not quite sure how that relates to the states, but that's his first year of high school. And he said to me Dad, you've got no idea what it's like at high school. And my first reaction was you're kidding me, right?

Speaker 2:

I've been there.

Speaker 1:

I had some bullying incidents as well when, I was at high school. You know, I've been a kid, I've been a teenager and I know the struggles right and. I'm not saying growing up isn't easy to do, but I know the struggles. So I was having all these thoughts and feelings and getting a little bit upset with the comment that he made, and I found out later on that what he was talking about was some social media bullying that had been happening at school.

Speaker 1:

And he was actually right. I have no idea what that's like at school, because I didn't have to do that. So me thinking how can you talk to me like that, son, and thinking that that's a bit disrespectful to then getting that other piece of information of actually what he was really talking about going oh my God, I had no idea. That's actually what you meant. And yes, son, you're totally right. I have no idea or concept. I do have an idea, but I haven't experienced what you're exposed to in terms of having to deal with that social media aspect at school.

Speaker 2:

Wasn't that a beautiful thing that you were able to acknowledge your child. A lot of times, as parents, we feel we're always right. The hardest part for us is to take a step back and actually listen to our children and a lot of times they actually teach us a lot, and they teach us a lot about ourselves, because you don't realize it, but your children are actually observing you. The ones who observe you the most is your children and I would be honest I mean my son and my daughter have actually taught me a lot about me and how I react in certain situations and when I get triggered. You know and it's been a journey of me understanding that a lot of times what I was feeling inside was me putting it onto my children.

Speaker 2:

And because of my own personal fears. You know, like you right now, how dare you not know that? Of course I went to high school. Of course I understand what you went through. Do you not understand, like, how hard I had it? You know, and it's like wait, wait, wait. This is his high school time. This is about him. He has not. He's not even talking about what we went through. They have no idea what we went through. And so a lot of times, we personalize things and it's the hardest thing for people to do is to not think things personal. A lot of times, if we take a step back and we listen to the person, it was not about us.

Speaker 1:

They were really talking about how they felt about themselves and yeah yep, and so that awareness about there's probably more to this situation than what. I realize, just letting you or reminding yourself of that can give you access to empathy and understanding and patience that wouldn't be there otherwise. So it's a really great thing to remember. I didn't remember it at the time when my son was saying that, but then as soon as I found out what he was really talking about.

Speaker 1:

I realized I was being a cookie thief, so you'll have to read the poem to find out.

Speaker 2:

It will definitely be that poem.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it was being a cookie thief, but my kids have taught me so much especially in the area of patience.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God, and I'm getting better at that all the time. I've just actually my Christmas episode or it comes out on the 26th Boxing Day is my 10 year old daughter. I interviewed her and we have a conversation for greatness. I thought what a great, because for me, christmas is about the kids and it's lots of things, but it's about kids and how fun and great it is for them. It's always a great time to look back on. It's a good kind of punctuation in the year where they love and they often remember those times rather than day to day, week to week. They'll remember the Christmas things and so I thought I'll interview my daughter and that can be my Christmas episode. And she's 10 years old and she's just so. She's so much gold on that episode. It's amazing, and so I love that because we bonded over it and also to that's gonna be there for life.

Speaker 1:

So you know when she's an adult and she can go. I remember that time Dad and I had the interview and she can always listen back to it if she wants.

Speaker 2:

Wow, that is so beautiful. I think that through this journey we start now molding a better relationship we're not only our children, but with our families, because we start building a better relationship with ourselves. So we're able to show as a role model now what it is to live a life full of abundance and welcoming great things to ourselves. But before we get to there, we have to go through a lot, and one of the first things is understanding that our darkest, darkest time, when we actually hit rock bottom we have to hit rock bottom for us to recognize this is not the life I wanna live. What was your rock bottom?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think it's. I've heard this expression and about hitting rock bottom, I think mine was. Someone said to me it sounds like you got out of the elevator before it hit the ground level. Because I mentioned it before about my partying days, I think that because for me it might be different for others, but for me alcohol depressed me, like at the time I thought it was fun and whatnot, but afterwards it depressed me for days afterwards.

Speaker 1:

So you'd have a bit of fun for a few hours, but then for the next few days you'd be depressed and down, and so I think that was part of my rock bottom and part of my realization that that's not serving me and if I wanna live the life that I really believe that I was destined for, as I mentioned, I always thought that I was going to be a speaker and impart knowledge and talk to large audiences, and you can't do that when you're living that lifestyle. So it was something where I realized I have to stop doing that.

Speaker 1:

It's not serving me and more than not serving me, it's killing me Mentally and physically. So for some people it's fine and they can do that, and when I'm gonna do that might have a glass of wine or two dinner and that's all good. I wasn't like that. I needed to go out and get wasted, so I read a book by Alan Carr how to Stop Drinking. Just opened my eyes to so much and I thought, oh, this makes so much sense and I just don't wanna do that anymore and change my life.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so a lot of people use alcohol as a way of suppressing and masking their pain.

Speaker 1:

And they don't even realize it though.

Speaker 2:

It's so easily available. But the thing is that they don't realize the thoughts that they're doing. They don't realize that the forms of addiction, pornography, alcohol, sex, all those instant gratifications at that time it's just temporary and they're masking all that pain through that instant dopamine fix. And then, when the dopamine crashes, what do you do then? Then again, you find another fix and the only way that you're gonna start being able to heal through that journey, which is like the hardest phase in life, right, it's understanding. This is what I'm going through. I am masking it by doing these things that I shouldn't be doing, that it's only just temporarily taking away this pain. And then what? The next day, a couple hours later, I have to get a new fix because this pain just keeps coming back. When is it gonna go away? Is it ever gonna go away?

Speaker 2:

It will, but you have to live through that pain. In order for that pain to go away, you can't keep suppressing it. The more you suppress it, it's not going anywhere. It's just getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger within you.

Speaker 1:

So and I was lucky and I think this happens to other people as well you have some moments of clarity. You'll have some moments where I go.

Speaker 1:

I know this isn't working for me, but then you won't act on it and you'll just keep doing it, but you had that thought and you know, somewhere in the back of your mind you know what I'm doing is not serving me and maybe I should look at alternatives or look at why I do this, or have some inquiry and develop further as a person to break through and go beyond that, because you've got that thing in the back of your mind going this isn't working. But then you hit. Am I allowed to swear?

Speaker 2:

Yes, you are allowed to swear.

Speaker 1:

Okay, yeah Well, you hit the fuck it button and you just do it anyway, that's one of the words I can use sometimes too.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so I don't know if you bleep it out, but yeah, so getting rid of that button, let's say, is also really helpful, especially in the context of which we're talking about. So, like I say, some people are fine. I knew that I wasn't, but I didn't do anything about it. And then, when I eventually thought enough is enough, I've got to do something about it, I had several goes at it and then I must have just needed to read this book, or it might be something different for other people, but books have changed my life and words have changed my life, whether it's the Cookie Thief poem, the Alan Carr and the Stop Drinking book, whether it's a Louise Hay book, whether it's a Tony Robbins book, whether it's whatever.

Speaker 1:

You know reading books and now audio books and say YouTube videos and stuff like that. Well, I love Wayne Dyer and I can just dial him up on YouTube anytime I like. He's not with us physically, but he's left such an impression that he's there and he's still affecting lots and lots of people with how he lived his life, and I think that's a life worth living and that's something that I aspire to as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, a lot of people think that they see you and they know you, and a lot of times you don't realize that the happiest people that they're out there like smiling and they're so happy, they're actually really sad on the inside. And so I used to be like that. I used to present myself in my videos and stuff I'm so happy, I'm this, my life is perfect, I'm going here, I'm going there, and I started realizing that's not me. Yes, I'm a happy person, I love to smile, I love to enjoy life, but I'm hurting inside and it hurts to hurt because you actually have to feel that pain. And now I'm not ashamed, I'm not afraid to say when I'm hurting, when something bothers me, if I need to cry, I'm gonna cry and I'll feel the shame that other people are gonna think why is she crying? She's so emotional, she's so sensitive. Now I'm just like. I am sensitive and I do have emotions, and that's the beauty of it is that I'm able to recognize that I am a human being and I actually have emotions.

Speaker 2:

And every emotion is a beautiful thing to have, because that means that you're feeling.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's like how are you supposed to be a human and not feel?

Speaker 1:

I don't understand that.

Speaker 1:

It's all like you say, we're emotional beings and so it's okay to be emotional, and I couldn't agree, couldn't agree more. My wife seen me cry on occasions and for some people and for some guys I know that that's probably well, they think it's a no-no and it's something that they can't do. But sometimes I can't help it and I don't mask it and I think that's really good for her to see. It's like I'm an emotional being, I'm being real. When you're crying, you're being real, you're being raw. That's the real you. I remember years ago I was talking to a friend of mine who ended up becoming a kind of a spiritual teacher for me in some ways, and I was really upset about my life and the situation. I started to cry and he said I'll help you, john, because I saw the real you. So that was a beautiful moment.

Speaker 2:

I know I was about to ask you this question and I think you may have answered it already, but if you want to elaborate on it, you can. I was going to ask you the question of how do you see yourself now compared to how you saw yourself in the past, and how has the healing and transformational journey that you've been on, that you chose to be on, how has that molded you and helped you be the person you are today?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I don't think I could be doing what I'm doing now earlier, even though I wanted to do it earlier.

Speaker 1:

So I had the desire, but I think that I needed to, as we've talked about, learn some of these lessons learn the lessons about why I thought, about how I thought about marriage and love me, trying to mask and avoid, working on myself and avoiding pain and things like that. So I really needed to learn all of those lessons before I could do what I'm doing now. So now I feel like I'm in the best place that I've ever been to be able to really fulfill my dreams and goals, and that really really excites me and it's a bit of a self-fulfilling journey, because the more I feel like this, the more action I take in that area, the more I feel like that. So it keeps me going and then it also makes me grateful for having gone through and learned those things and because of all the tools at my disposal and all the self-development that I've done when I do feel pain or hurt or anger or some of those some of those what I call low-level emotions.

Speaker 1:

I'll be pretty primal. I can do several things. Go lots of things in my toolkit to be able to rise above quickly. Some of that might be, as you mentioned, just feel it. Sit there and feel it because that old saying, what you resist persists. So if you think I shouldn't be feeling this and I don't want to feel like this and don't know, well you're going to feel like that longer.

Speaker 1:

But if you can acknowledge there's this thing called the emotion wheel. My personal development coach taught me about it and it's got a whole range of emotions on it, and so one of the things that she taught me is, if you can name it, you can tame it. So if I look at that emotion wheel and go, yeah, I'm feeling this way, I'm feeling that way, so you're actually acknowledging how you're feeling and maybe with some breath, work or a number of other tools that you can do, those feelings and emotions that you might not wish to have can pass given some time, and then you can move on to other things that you might want to be doing. So it's always going to happen. How long do you want to stay there and do you want to use some tools to rise above that? They're really good questions worth asking yourself. Sometimes the answer might be no, so I feel like this I know I could be doing this, but I'm not going to do anything.

Speaker 1:

We can all have those moments as kids again and stamp your feet and go I'm not doing it, even though I know I should.

Speaker 2:

I know it's like wait, do I need to do that right now, or can I just sit in silence and just kind of feel my feelings right now? Your feelings are not meant to control you. They're just meant to make you aware of what it is that your body's going through. And that's what's important for people to understand is that your feelings don't justify you. They're just there to make you aware of whatever it is that you're going through at that moment in life. Even though we're healing, we're still going to be triggered. There's still going to be things that are going to bother us.

Speaker 2:

It's not like that vanishes. The difference is that now we're able to know how to recognize our body and understand our body Instead of ignoring it, we actually sit in space. We give it space, we give ourselves space, the healthy space that we need to understand ourselves, and that's the beauty of healing For you. I would love to know, from a man's perspective, how have you been able to be a role model to your friends who are men and for them, have you been able to see a change within them when they interact with you in a way that you're able to, they're able to express themselves and understand their emotions and know that it's so courageous to be vulnerable in this world.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's a good question. I'm probably known around my group of friends as the positive guy, so if you're talking to me and you might have something that you might want to do, it could be anything. It could be I want to take up a new sport, or I want to start a business, or I want to go to this place for lunch or whatever. I'm always encouraging, so I'll be great. Tell me more about that, or yeah, let's do that. Oh that's wonderful that you think that, or?

Speaker 1:

you know, I'll be that positive guy. And I remember friends of mine who were living in a share house and on the wall they had a picture of an eagle and it said you never know how far you're going to soar until you spread your wings, or something like that. And they said, oh, because I call me Johnny. They go, johnny, that's perfect for you, because there always the guy that's going. You know, go for it. If you've got that dream and goal, you know, I'm glad that you're telling me about it. And what do you want to do about it? You know I really I want you to do it. So I think my impact on the people around me is to be that person that says you can do it.

Speaker 2:

And why?

Speaker 1:

not, why not?

Speaker 2:

you.

Speaker 1:

If you, if you've had that thought or that dream or that goal, do it, and I'll be the one clapping and encouraging you to do it, and I love that. That makes me happy too, and to see other people achieve and doing things, I absolutely love it. So I think that's an effect that I've had, but I don't know if it's. If it's in the area you're talking about, about having other guys be vulnerable around other guys, the only thing I can really say talk to that is that you know I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I will talk to other guys about how I'm feeling and you know they haven't said to me John, I'm glad that you do that, because that opens the door and allows me to also talk about how I'm feeling. But I would imagine, in answer to your question, I would imagine that being someone that talks about how they're feeling with other guys gives them the permission or opens the door, if they want to, for them to do the same.

Speaker 2:

So, then, the question is then now, what can you tell men of how life has changed for you in a way that you're able to express those feelings, what abundance has come to you by you being able to connect with your emotions and your feelings and yourself, and being able to be vulnerable, that you would tell them? This is why it's a wonderful feeling to be able to feel this way.

Speaker 1:

Yeah well, I wouldn't have had the love in my life that I have now. So you know, I think that that would be important to tell other men and if there's an other man listening here to this, that it's only through that self development and being vulnerable and being willing to be able to explore and look, that I now have a life, that I do have an abundance of love in. Yeah, that's right and it's really. You know, maybe it's because of Omegawave. It's really challenging to answer that question. Really it is.

Speaker 2:

And that gives us a question you need to ask yourself, john. Why is it so difficult for me to answer this question? Yeah that's a bigger question, right. Maybe that's a bigger question on why is it so difficult for me to answer this question? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

I wonder if it's because I feel like that I am an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Speaker 1:

But that might not be how other people experience me either. I remember years ago this was actually before I had the breakthroughs around love and things like that but I thought I was that kind of person. Someone said to me John, I was scared to talk to you in the course because you seem really close to me. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it, so I'm not sure. Maybe that affected me and I just don't know how others perceive me, even though I think that I'm this open book with my heart on my sleeve. My work in progress is always more work to do to be able to express myself. I think to me it always comes back to if I am positive and uplifting to those around me. It gives people the opportunity to be however they want to be around me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because you're giving them that energy that they need to feel safe around you. And a lot of times all people need is for them to feel safe because they felt so unsafe for so long, they haven't been seen for so long or being heard for so long that it just takes one person to let them know. I see you, I hear you talk to me, tell me you're not alone. And that's why I created this podcast is because I want people to know that they're not alone. And women, because in this world I feel that we've kind of disconnected from one another by not understanding one another and pointing fingers as to why we feel the way we feel. The fear of rejection has distanced people from speaking to one another, just going up to one another.

Speaker 2:

I remember when I was younger and in my 20s and men would approach women and you'd give your number out and be like hey, I think you're attractive, would you like your number? And if you said, no, you know, but thank you very much, it was okay. It was in that feeling of at least I guess I don't know from a man's perspective, I'm just a woman but I would always be kind and tell them you know, thank you. But you know, it's just not right now, it's not the right time.

Speaker 2:

I feel we've kind of lost that disconnection and I truly, truly am an old soul and I truly believe that we could get back to that point where we start communicating and talking to one another and know that just a simple conversation it goes a long way and it's so beautiful to connect. So I mean, you're in Australia, I'm here in California, and who would have imagined that this would be possible, that this would be something that would be occurring? And just this simple action to me means the world to me, because you are able to see, there's beautiful people around the world, you know, and we're here to share that with them. You're not alone. Look at all the beauty that surrounds us. We've all gone through things, we've all been there, but we're choosing to bring this love and connection and understanding and compassion to you.

Speaker 1:

So it's wonderful you say that, vivian, and I think a guest of mine said said this to me, but I believe it's the same of you. The world needs people like you and maybe let's talk about you to bring the people together, to have these conversations, to make them available. I love how you say it really shows that you're not alone and that you thought of and can really and you can hear people when they speak, because it's so important to build that connection and, like you say, to be able to do it across the globe and the decisions and the actions that we've both taken in our lives to bring us to this point is amazing, and I'm so glad that it has.

Speaker 2:

It is because we could have chosen to hold back and not have a voice, and we could have said silence still, and not speak up for ourselves and speak up for others, but we didn't. We kind of chose to be like, at least for me, this is I know, this is my purpose in life for people to know that you're not alone. We're imperfect and that's beautiful. We're unique and we all bring value. And my whole thing that I would tell people is like can you imagine if we were all the same and we all live the same life, walk the same way, look the same way, enjoy the same things? I think it would be pretty boring and we would not learn anything valuable in life.

Speaker 2:

We're all here to give you a little bit about ourselves, to bring value, because each of one of us around the table brings value to the table. Nobody, nobody, is better than you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I hear what you're saying resonates with me and that's why, as soon as you, as soon as you asked me to be a guest, with no hesitation, I was a yes for sure, and I've been honored to be a guest.

Speaker 2:

So, john, I would love to end with you. You bring a lot of light into this world you truly do by being your authentic you and overcoming a lot of obstacles in life and still living through those obstacles now and knowing how to deal with the struggles and face them in a really positive way than maybe before it was a little bit more challenging. So what is the greatness? That you have gotten through your journey in life. That has been your aha moment that you want to share to everybody.

Speaker 1:

I think finding my life's purpose was a really big, big moment for me, and I know that there's a lot of people that wonder what their life's purpose is and would like to know what it is, and I think that's a great avenue of inquiry. I feel really fortunate that from a young age I really knew what I wanted to do, and it's taken me this long to get here, and that's fine, because I'm here now and it's the present moment and that's all we've got.

Speaker 1:

And so when I went to a seminar and there was Deepak Chopra, louise Hay, james Redfield and a few other great talkers, speakers and spiritual leaders and there was 15,000 of us in Melbourne watching them they're on stage Then I looked down and just had this epiphany where that's me, that's what I need to be doing with my life. And six months after that I did my first public seminar and that went really really well. And then I just partied afterwards and didn't do anything afterwards after that. So I had a taste and I had to break through.

Speaker 1:

So I guess, in talking through, that with you now and, thinking about it, the biggest thing that I've realised is choosing things that fulfil my life's mission. So if I get asked to do something, or if I think that I want to do a particular thing, is this going to serve who I am?

Speaker 1:

and my last mission and I've had to exclude some things that I used to do. That doesn't cut it anymore. That doesn't fulfil who I am in the world, who I want to be in the world and what I really feel that I need to be how I need to be to be able to do what I need to do and we'll see what comes along after that.

Speaker 2:

I hope that answers your question. Yeah, now you choose you. Yeah, you choose what resonates with you and that's the beauty of this journey is, a lot of times we think that by being selfless, it's something negative. But no, it's not. It's actually pretty empowering to be able to now choose you.

Speaker 2:

So, yes, you answered my question, and thank you so much for being on this podcast and bringing so much valuable information and insight to our listeners, because, yeah, it's time for our listeners to start living a life of abundance in understanding their worth, and the only way to do that is by understanding yourself. So thank you so much, I appreciate you.

Speaker 1:

Absolute honour and a privilege, vivian. Thank you for asking me and stay beautiful.

Speaker 2:

Thank you. Thank you for taking your time and connecting with me on this beautiful journey of life. Please subscribe and review, and don't forget to follow so you don't miss out on any of these amazing and empowering episodes. Always remember you matter. If nobody has told you today, I am here to tell you that you are enough, you are worthy and you are deserving of the best. Every day that you wake up, I want you to take one moment and just look at yourself in the mirror and know that the person staring back at you is so proud of you and loves you beyond your own measures. You are a true warrior.