Self-Worth Revolution: Tips for your Transformational Journey

Embracing Transformation: Heather MendenHall-Dunby's Journey to Sobriety and Self-Discovery

• Vivian Medrano • Season 1 • Episode 17

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Have you ever faced a moment so pivotal that it demanded a complete transformation of your life? That's exactly the crossroads Heather Mendenhall-Danby found herself at, as she courageously opens up about her four-and-a-half-year sobriety journey on our latest episode. With raw honesty, Heather discusses her relationship with alcohol, her dedication to Alcoholics Anonymous, and how she confronts daily pressures and societal expectations surrounding drinking. Together, we examine the complex challenges tied to recovery, including the impact of bullying, the grip of postpartum depression, and the stigmatization of mental health struggles. Our conversation is a testament to the notion that everyone has the capacity for change and the power to redefine their sense of self-worth.

Motherhood is a journey often painted with idyllic expectations, but what happens when the canvas is marred by the silent battle of addiction or the weight of postpartum depression? This episode peels back the layers of the 'mommy wine culture' to reveal the true resilience required in parenthood. We explore not only my personal battles with PPD but also the emotional toll childbirth can take on a woman's mental health, emphasizing the crucial role of supportive family and open communication. Whether it's the societal pressure to partake in alcohol at children's parties or the personal journey of overcoming addiction to rebuild relationships, we highlight the transformative power of facing our vulnerabilities head-on.

As we wrap up this heartfelt exchange with Heather, we leave you with an uplifting message of self-love and the unwavering belief in the possibility of healing. This episode is an ode to the strength found in the collective healing power of shared experiences, a reminder of the importance of addressing family trauma, and an affirmation that we all deserve to lead lives filled with joy and purpose. So, if you're looking for inspiration or simply a sign that it's time to embrace your own journey of radical transformation, tune in for an episode that promises to resonate deeply with anyone seeking self-discovery and renewal.

About Guest Speaker: Heather has been sober 5 years (3.21.19) and lives in Chicago with her 2 children, husband, and amazing doggie! She has a podcast called "Sharing Out Loud" where she f

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The "The Self Worth Revolution" Podcast may, at times, cover sensitive topics including but not limited to suicide, abuse, violence, severe mental illnesses, sex, drugs, alcohol addiction, psychedelics and the use of plant medicines. You are advised to refrain from watching or listening to the Podcast if you are likely to be offended or adversely impacted by any of these topics. Neither The Company, The Host nor the guests shall at any time be liable for the content covered causing off...

Speaker 1:

When all the moms are at the soccer game at 10 am and they have wine in their coffee cups, and you're one of them and you think it's normal because everybody else is doing it. The sad thing is, though, that there were times when I didn't even want to drink, but I did it because everyone else was. If they were pouring wine or mimosas at a soccer game, or something 100%, I would you know how do you say no, you don't want to be the person that's left out, so how do you say no now?

Speaker 1:

How do you say no? I know, you just say no.

Speaker 3:

Welcome to the self worth revolution podcast hosted by Vivian Medrano. I am not only a podcaster, but a mother, a nurse, a life coach and a survivor. This podcast is about turning your pain into your power, your experiences into your lessons, and to start living a life full of abundance, inner peace and fulfillment. My higher purpose is for my listeners to find their self-worth and their value by following their path to greatness. We are all deserving of living our best lives. It is time to stop identifying with our past. Start living in the present for a better future. This podcast will have guest speakers that will share their stories of how they transformed their lives and found their worth. My mission is to let my listeners know this is your time to shine, to know that you are not alone. Healing is empowering. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and our voices have power to be vulnerable and our voices have power. Hold on to your lives, because this will be an incredible ride of self-transformation, self-empowerment and radical change. It is time for us to take our power back.

Speaker 3:

Hi, welcome to the Self-Worth Revolution podcast, and I am here with Heather Mendel Hall-Dunby. She is an extraordinary and amazing woman. I can't really say the words to explain how extraordinary she is. She's a mother to two amazing children, to one doggy, to a very supportive husband. She is an extraordinary wife. She also has her own podcast, the Sharing Out Loud, and the Survivor to Alcoholism. And I say survivor because she is no longer a victim. She does not define herself by the alcohol she used to consume before. She does not live by it, but she's learned to become a strong woman through it, and so, without no further ado, I would love Heather to introduce herself.

Speaker 1:

Hi, thank you so much. Thanks so much for the kind introduction. Yes, my name is Heather and just as you introduced me and yeah, all the things, I don't know where you want to start, but what you and I were talking about beforehand I think is pretty interesting. So I have been sober for four and a half years and while it doesn't define me me, it's not something I live and breathe by 24-7. However, I am conscious of it 24-7 because all of the things that I learned specifically through AA for me. Everyone has their own story of getting sober. Mine happens to be through AA and I do still attend meetings to be through AA and I do still attend meetings. So my story of alcoholism and my recovery has definitely impacted who I am today, right now. But it's not all. Consuming meaning I don't go to AA seven days a week, five times a day, that kind of thing. But I have to always be conscious that that demon, if you will, is there and could take me right back. So if that makes sense.

Speaker 3:

I want to start with just you. Before you came into your life, you had a different kind of life that led you to that point, had a different kind of life that led you to that point. So it wasn't as though you were a teenager or in college and just partied a lot and you made these choices that you lived in. So tell us a little bit about yourself before getting to that point, so people could know you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, back in 1892. No, I'm just kidding, I'm so old. So, yeah, it's so interesting. So the alcoholism part is fascinating because I think I had my first drink at 11 or 12. I think I was in sixth or seventh grade and then I grew up in a beach town, so lots of freeness, and I think you're younger than me, but at that time it's you know, parents, you left the house, you didn't come back until dinner time or after you left after dinner and you were just sort of you were left to do whatever you wanted. We were riding our bikes to the beach and all that, and so I think I don't even you know.

Speaker 1:

What's so weird about my story is I don't even remember how I felt. I remember being an awkward. I was bullied a little bit in elementary school. Some shifts happened and I don't know everybody just sort of drank. You went to the beach and you drank and you smoked cigarettes and and all of that at a young age. And then fast forward though through kind of through high school, and then it's weird because I didn't drink at all through college and I didn't drink into my 20s, until later in my 20s. So I don't know what, what exactly I guess, what exactly so what so?

Speaker 3:

basically, what got you to that point where you started just becoming? You were masking your feelings through alcohol yeah you, um decided that inside of you, like you loved yourself. You knew you were a wonderful person, but you were holding yourself back from showing others who you truly were, and so you were a wonderful person.

Speaker 3:

But you were holding yourself back from showing others who you truly were, and so you were hiding behind alcohol, because alcohol made you feel comfortable yeah and so what led you to that point of choosing that and masking yourself for people not to know what a beautiful person you are, because you are who you were back then. Yeah you're holding a smile, you're bright, but there was a moment in your life that you didn't feel that way. Yeah. Why did you feel that way at that point in time?

Speaker 1:

It's a good. It's a good point and I appreciate the question. It's weird because I haven't actually told my story like this in a while. So because in AA you're sometimes asked to tell your story and I've definitely been on a friend's podcast but I haven't actually told it like this, so I might be a little nervous, okay. So it's interesting. It's really weird.

Speaker 1:

My I was bullied a little bit in elementary school and then all those feelings of awkwardness, I think when you get to be in seventh grade, when you're around 13, you don't know who you are. Girls are starting to date boys or whoever you're starting to be interested in from a, you know, like a sexuality standpoint For me it was boys at the time. Are you not liked? Maybe someone you liked like somebody else, all those awkward stages, right. And I think for me again, what's weird is looking back. I think it's just something that everybody did, it was normal and there wasn't the addiction component. So what happened, I believe, was I've always had a propensity for depression. So in high school is when the depression got really, really bad, and I don't think that I drank because I was depressed, but I had this deep, deep depression that came on, this self-loathing. I was bullied badly in high school.

Speaker 1:

I think what happened when I didn't drink through college is things sort of felt okay. I didn't necessarily feel insecure. None of the people that I was friends with that I was hanging out with initially in college drank, so I just didn't do that. But into my 20s I still didn't do that much of it until I met my husband.

Speaker 1:

My husband is not to blame for my alcoholism, let's just put that out there but I think that I felt some sort of freeness when I met him and his whole family big, big drinkers, big partiers, but in like a fun way, like big Christmas parties, and his parents had money and just this there was like a freedom and funness to it. I didn't ever I didn't have it my first hangover until I met him and I discovered Dirty Martinis and at the time what's weird is he was sort of transitioning out of this drinking phase and I was transitioning in meaning he had done the partying, he had done all of that and then when he met me he was sort of getting to be not necessarily the other side of it, but he had already done all that, but since I had sort of stopped after high school, which is weird because for a lot of people, they go to college and they start drinking.

Speaker 1:

So I kind of feel like I had missed out in college somehow and I was living in Chicago. I had all this freedom and I felt very like I had been in a box and contained and I'm really fun anyway. But when I drink I am the life of the party. So when I started drinking at work, I worked in the advertising and marketing industry and there was so much alcohol and it just got worse and worse and worse over the years to the point where there were actual bars inside of these corporations and it was just this constant alcohol and expense accounts. You had to take the clients out to dinner and just running free all the time and again I was really fun and everybody loved fun.

Speaker 1:

Heather, when she was drinking, I would say when it got really bad was I had. I had my son and I had really, really bad postpartum depression and quite honestly, if you listened to my, the original story on my podcast is taken from a friend's podcast when she interviewed me. It's my first, it was my first being interviewed on a podcast and I can't even remember, to be honest, if that postpartum how much of that was said was talked about during that podcast. Postpartum, how much of that was talked about during that podcast, but Viv it was bad.

Speaker 1:

I listened to it. I wanted to kill myself. I mean I was suicidal. You know what looking back? So I was suicidal on and off through high school. Like I mentioned, I had that terrible, terrible, terrible depression. But when my son was born it was awful. I almost died in childbirth. My pregnancy was terrible.

Speaker 1:

Kathy Heller actually was talking about it on a podcast. They were talking about how when you're pregnant and you have the baby showers and it's all so fun and beautiful and all these gifts and all this, but then you have the baby and you get home and the hormones, you don't know what the hell you're doing. If your milk doesn't come in, like mine didn't, how do I feed my baby? You have this guilt because you're not able to breastfeed. My child had colic, like it was awful, and I had postpartum depression for two and a half years. Awful, and I had postpartum depression for two and a half years. So there was this feeling of I remember being so worried about going back. Actually, it was pretty bad because the postpartum depression. So I went to go live with my parents for five weeks, three weeks after my son was born, because my husband was coming home every day and I was. Literally my hair was matted so badly because I was leaning back in the couch trying to breastfeed all day and the milk wasn't coming in. I didn't shower, I was just a mess and he was worried about me. So I went to live with my parents, which helped.

Speaker 1:

But I remember going back to work. And I went back to work I don't know, it was three and a half or four months and I remember being so desperate to get back to work because I wanted some sense of normalcy. But at the same time I was so guilt ridden because, just when all the bad, I was starting to get over that hump of okay, I'm starting to get back. I wish I had another couple of months with my baby Now that things were starting to normalize a little bit. And then I had to go back to work. And I think that back to the drinking, back to the alcohol, back just trying to numb any pain that I was feeling from the postpartum depression.

Speaker 1:

And it went on for two and a half years. I felt like the shittiest mother. I felt like I had been robbed from having this beautiful birthing experience. I had a terrible doctor who wasn't listening to me with my postpartum and I wasn't medicated properly. I absolutely should have been medicated, and it was then that I'm going to start to cry. I just started feeling like what am I doing? I shouldn't be here. My baby and my husband, everybody would just be better without me, without me on this earth.

Speaker 1:

So there's a book Brooke Shields has a book called Down Came the Rain, and I think a lot of people don't remember it or know of it, probably because it's so old now right, but she talks in her. Anybody who's out there who might be a new mom or who can relate to what I'm talking, to talking about. I remember someone sent me that book when it came out, and this is after I had been in the midst of everything with my son and I was like, oh my God, that's me. And she got help for it and she talks very openly about it today. But that's yeah, that's that's when it all just went downhill.

Speaker 3:

So you've talked about a lot right now and I want to first of all tell you thank you, because it is very vulnerable to be able to talk about what you went through. We're going to go back a little bit, back to to bullying and then we're going to talk a little bit more about postpartum depression, because I think, with mental health month and everything, I think it's really important for people to understand that postpartum depression is something that keeps occurring with mothers and it's not something that should be taken lightly. So, going back to when you were bullied in high school and you say you were the life of the party when you drank, yeah.

Speaker 3:

Okay, do you feel at that point in time that because you were bullied for the person that you were in high school you know, I don't know exactly what you were bullied for, because you're amazing, jim, you know but a lot of times when you stand out out of the crowd, children have a way of picking at the certain things that you stand out for as something negative, and we don't understand why children do that, except for maybe that's how they feel inside because of what they're going through at home. That's how they feel inside because of what they're going through at home. And so do you feel that you're uncomfortable to be your true self in your workforce, which are people that you ended up hiding behind the alcohol to not show those colors that you thought they would make fun of you or they would bully you. So you felt that you couldn't be the life of the party by just being you. So you hid behind the alcohol because I feel that you could be a life of the party without it. But what do you think about?

Speaker 1:

that? Oh, I am, yes, so when? Okay, I can tell you exactly what happened in high school. So I had the biggest crush, like I was one of those girls that when I had a crush on a boy it killed me, like my heart just ached, for that. I mean, I just felt I was in love all the time, right, and I had the biggest crush on a senior. I was a sophomore, so our high school was 10, 11, and 12, not 9, 10, 11, and 12. And I remember from day one having the biggest crush on this senior and I took oh my God, I'm reliving it Vivi, I took the biggest chance.

Speaker 1:

We had a dance that was girls ask the boys. And I asked the senior. He was a football player. He ended up going to Harvard, really smart guy and just unbelievably, unbelievably attractive, like so, so, so attractive. And I asked him. I barely even knew him. He probably barely even knew who I was, but my friend was actually dating his best friend. So I just did it and I think I probably took him up, you know, threw him off guard.

Speaker 1:

But what happened is the senior girls didn't like it and I ended up getting the wrath of some serious, serious bullying from these bitches. I mean, excuse my mouth, but it was bad and they set up someone who in my class, who I had kind of had some issues with not kind of I did have issues with and I just, yeah, I got bullied big time and it lasted God, that was a fall dance. And then when he was going to ask me to prom, the girl that had liked him turned around and asked him before he could ask me and then he felt like he couldn't say no to her and it was this whole thing and it damn near killed me. So I guess I probably drank from some depression when I drank in high school and I definitely had a chemical imbalance, so yeah, so I guess, as you were asking about the workplace, this is such a hard question. I don't know. I think that I don't know if I hid behind it. I was actually bullied in the workplace too.

Speaker 1:

I am loud, I'm outgoing. I've been called polarizing, which is interesting because I was telling someone about it in one of our pods in this Kathy Heller quilt, and they said that's awesome. I was like what I thought it was like the worst thing in the world. I thought that being polarizing was terrible, but all it really means is someone either likes you or they don't, and you're either going to like people in this world or you're not going to. But I don't know. It's such a hard question, you don't have to know.

Speaker 3:

No, it's okay, I'm sure.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I masked feeling shitty and terrible and all of the things that had happened in my life. 100%, I mean any time that there was any. If I was down, I drank. If I was happy, I drank. I mean it was certainly better than sitting around being me and feeling all the insecurities.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and you're not there right now, and that's amazing. Yeah, you know, before we get to your awakening moment because I'm sure that's going to be such a great moment for you, I kind of wanted to go back to the postpartum depression and thank your family for listening to your body right, and that they knew something was off and they helped you out, especially your husband. He was really there for you and he knew that you needed your family at that time and he did everything possible to make it happen. Yeah, and so you were with your family through your darkest times and there's probably possible to make it happen.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and so you're with your family through your darkest times, and there's probably a lot of women who are listening right now who have gone through that same phase in their life after they've had their child and not knowing how to take care of their child, whether they're feeding their child correctly, just having a lot of self doubt as a mother. And then you, in return, you're not identified as being pregnant anymore. You're like your own individual, free from your child, and a lot of times it's really hard for you to disconnect from having your child and so and come back to your own identity as being you, heather, you know, and so what are some of the symptoms that you went through, so women out there could understand that what they're going through, they're not alone in this. Yeah, and what did you do that helped you get through that phase?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and let me just say too that I think I don't know exactly what the link is. I would like to explore this more. So I think anyone who is prone to depression and just has some sort of a comical imbalance which I've known about since junior high maybe, I think, is kind of when it started, so like eighth, ninth grade. And if you add in trauma and then when you have a baby and you add in that additional trauma and frankly, I think anybody, even having a beautiful birthing experience, there's some trauma there, and what I mean by that is having the baby come out of you and again all those hormones and all those feelings, it's a bit traumatic. Having a baby is not necessarily a beautiful, easy thing, right, I mean, my daughter sort of slid out to me and I'll get to that in a second, but I think that you know, possibly what happened is a lot of my trauma and bullying and things that came. Oh, I didn't even talk about this. I feel like I'm all over. I'm all over the place.

Speaker 1:

It's okay, I should talk a little bit. I'll get to that in a second, so let me focus on the postpartum. This is what I do because I'm ADHD, so my brain goes all over the place. That's another thing too, that they did not. They didn't test for ADHD back then. They didn't really. If they knew what it was, it was for boys, it wasn't for girls. So, dealing with being slightly dyslexic and ADHD, there's a lot of stuff going on there too, so the postpartum how did I get out of it?

Speaker 1:

I mean, I was a mess. It was to the point, like I said, I really wanted to end my life. I remember there were times when my husband and I would get into a fight. I remember this one time specifically and he left and my son I was trying to get ready for work and my son was in a high chair. He was probably two and he still had postpartum.

Speaker 1:

The depression just never went away. It got better but it never fully went away. I remember throwing something on the ground and then just laying on my kitchen floor and sobbing and just not being able to stop. My body was just so out of whack and again, I almost died during childbirth so I hemorrhaged. There were a lot of things that happened that I just didn't. I got a medication but I never dealt with the actual trauma of the birth itself and not connecting with my child. I mean, there was like a disconnect there because I wasn't able to breastfeed. I felt like my body was rejecting me and then I felt guilty about formula, which. Any moms out there that's like the worst never, ever, ever think that you have to breastfeed. There was a reason that formula was invented. There aren't wet nurses anymore that I know of. Maybe there are some out there, but there's a reason that formula was invented because some people don't want to breastfeed and some people absolutely can't. So never ever feel guilty about that.

Speaker 1:

But things started to get better the older that my son got. Exercise has always been a wonderful escape for me, an absolute wonderful escape for me. So I got up at five o'clock in the morning before he got up although he usually got up around 530 and I would go to the gym and then come back. So just trying to self-regulate my body in any way possible, but I was definitely still drinking and maybe not being all consumed with the alcohol until later. So I mean, I'm trying to remember back. So my son is 19 now. I remember specifically.

Speaker 1:

So things got better. I didn't want to have another baby. I decided to. I had multiple miscarriages that's trauma in itself and then I was able to get pregnant with my daughter. I got pregnant really easily and then I just miscarried all the time and then I got pregnant with my daughter and she was pregnant with my daughter and she was. She was easy. But here's another very strange critical point is I remember having a conversation with someone after my daughter was born and they said how are you drinking yet? Have you had a glass of wine? And I just I really didn't even feel the need to. But after she said that to me because she had just had a baby as well. And again, this isn't her fault.

Speaker 1:

I was like, oh, maybe maybe I should have a glass of wine. My mouth didn't come in again. All these things started to happen and I was like, maybe I, okay, I'll just have a glass of wine. And then the wine started flowing again. And then I wine started flowing again and even though nothing was wrong, it just was like I still have a child who my son at the time was still difficult, or I shouldn't say he was still. I didn't even tell you that before. So he's an awesome kid, mind of his own, super rambunctious, and so wine was just sort of that respite at the end of the day. And then the mommy wine culture started. And then you just kind of go oh, everybody else is drinking wine, I should too.

Speaker 3:

We're going to get into that right now, but I wanted to say something really quickly. So I'm a labor and delivery nurse.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I knew you were a nurse, but I didn't know you were LMD.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I want to tell you, thank you. One thing as a nurse that I never ever took into consideration, that you brought into light for me and I'm sure many other nurses out there also listening, is that we never really thought of it from a patient's or person's perspective of we're doing all these treatments for you when you are hemorrhaging, and for those of you who don't know what hemorrhaging means is, heather actually had a lot of loss of blood after having her child and a lot of times when you can't control bleeding. There have been some women who have had to have surgeries to no longer be able to have a child. That did not happen with Heather. However, it is very traumatic because there's a lot of nurses in the rooms, doctors in the rooms taking care of you and sometimes we forget to see that there's a person in the bed.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to start to cry. So imagine, so my placenta was retained and I didn't have an epidural. I had a labor and delivery nurse who also happened to be a doula, and we did hypnotherapy and so I did hypnobirthing, but during the delivery my, my IV came out, so they didn't notice. And then my placenta was retained and they had to go in after it and I didn't have. I felt everything. And so when they basically ripped it out because it had grown into my uterus, I didn't have an IV in for them to be able to give me anything to stop the bleeding. And so picture this You're sitting there, you're laying there, so it was like eight hours, right, I mean, I had been there since four in the morning.

Speaker 1:

That's a whole other issue of how long I was there, and they didn't increase my Pitocin and all these things happen. So just, I was there for an awful, awfully long time in in um, in labor and being already at five centimeters dilated when I got there, like this should have been lickety, split, even with a retained placenta, like I just should have delivered earlier in the day, and this now is at four o'clock in the afternoon and I got there four in the morning. So they didn't increase my Pitocin until like two hours before I delivered, so because it was an inconvenient time for the doctor, so my entire my mom was in the room during the delivery, but then my in-laws and my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, everyone was out in the waiting room waiting, and so my husband said can everyone come in? They've been waiting.

Speaker 1:

No, one had cleaned up the blood from the floor nothing, and I'm laying there and they had threatened a hysterectomy, all of these things. I didn't end up having to have that, but I'm laying there and it was at that moment and I'm watching like everyone pass around my baby and I was just I'm like what Right here. Yeah, it's like what is happening.

Speaker 1:

And then no nurse, no one bathed me, helped me get like bathed me before I went home I didn't shower, like all of these terrible things happened. So it was yeah, it was, it was really so. I'm glad that you said that about treating. You know you really need to think about even if it's a beautiful delivery. Think about what that mom went through.

Speaker 3:

And it's so important because for me, you know, I think the thing that I took from your experiences is this is I'm treating you, I'm caring for you, and I've worked with amazing nurses and doctors who feel the same way. But I think the one thing that we don't think of is we have put you in a, in a place where now you're stable and you're able, you're taking care of your baby, or stable, and so we think you're out of the woods, right, physically, but we never took into consideration how mentally and emotionally it must have been so scary to go through everything that you went through and not be able to talk about it and say, okay, you're good, you're okay, here's your baby now. Yeah, and I think that that really opened up my eyes to realize that I've done that myself, because I've only focused on making sure you're safe, that you're good, that you're stable, right, and you know our ultimate goal is saving your life, and so you could be there for your family, for your children, for yourself. But I think we didn't take into consideration the emotional aspect of how scary that must have been for you to go through that, and so I thank you and I'm sorry that you did have to go through some of the things that could have been different, and the way that you are, heather, and your baby is very fortunate to have you, but at that moment it should have been focused on you and I think that you just felt like you were in that bed all alone again, and it's like the baby is here.

Speaker 3:

And how about me? I'm just over here, you guys, I'm here Like I am present. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And thank you Because that took a lot of courage for you to speak of that you know and and you're opening a lot of eyes and in a perspective. You know, because you didn't know, as a labor and delivery nurse.

Speaker 1:

I never mentioned. I mean no, that's crazy.

Speaker 3:

That's my true passion. I do love it and I've been in connections with my families like that. So now that's something else I'm going to put into my practice to assure that my family is emotionally in the right place as well. You know, because I think that's very important, because you're carrying that now, that story, with you, you know, and yeah, it's also part of your trauma that you went through and that you've had to learn to overcome. You know that's made you stronger to now. Let's get back to that story now about now, the moms. Now your child is two, three years old and now you start recognizing that the parties are more focused, probably not so much in the children, but how are the parents going to enjoy themselves and have a good time? Yeah Right. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

How did that feel?

Speaker 1:

So I think I don't really remember it as much with Nolan. Honestly, I don't remember it as much. So I'll fast forward. With Harper, though, it didn't have to be induced, it was all easy, it was all good. The only thing problem was that she had jaundice and I was acutely aware that my milk might not come in which it didn't and that I might have that depression. So it was a lot better the second time around.

Speaker 1:

But that's when the drinking for sure got to be more increased. And what's weird is again, yes, I had two children and it was a difficult time, but I remember it just being a part of the culture. So I remember going to a one-year-old's birthday party, a two-year-old's birthday party, a three-year-old's birthday party, and they greeted you at the door with alcohol. I remember like one of those giant bottles of wine I don't know how many liters are in it and they greet you with one of those or a whiskey or a scotch or whatever. And I mean we live in the city, so people, uber to the party or whatever, at the time it was cabs, I don't even think Uber existed then.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, that's the culture. And there's more. I feel like there probably still is as much booze at the children's birthday parties as there is at adult parties, and it's just. And the mommy wine culture of oh my God, I have to have a glass of wine in order to deal with my kids, or, oh my God, the kids are finally down glass of wine in order to deal with my kids, or, oh my God, the kids are finally down, or actually, not even the kids are finally down.

Speaker 1:

It's the number of times that I was drinking while reading my kids' stories and then I would fall asleep with them with a glass of wine next to the bed. And then you know what I would do when I would wake up a couple hours later. I would chug down the wine, I would go back, and this might be 11, 12 at night I would drink the rest of the glass of wine and then go and go to sleep in my own bed. So that culture is so toxic. And I'm not saying that you can't be an adult and be a responsible person and drink, that's fine. And if you want to have your mommy glass of wine and joke about it. Okay, but I do believe if you look on social media, it's out of control. I mean you look at the memes, you look at the t-shirts, you look at all these different sayings. I mean you look at the memes, you look at the t-shirts, you look at all these different sayings and especially especially with the pandemic the amount of women that basically started day drinking in order to get through the day on Zoom with their kids or to get the homework done with their kids. I know people who developed a drinking problem during the pandemic because of that. I know people who drank, but not that much before the pandemic. I know people who went back to it during the pandemic. Thankfully, I was a year sober. I actually celebrated my year of sobriety during the pandemic.

Speaker 1:

But I mean it's not okay for the alcohol companies and for the influencers out there to say that you need alcohol in order to parent. What you need is help. What you need is community. What you need is a therapist. What you need is someone to listen to you, to tell you that you're not you're doing the best you can or to give you advice or to give you a hug and make you feel like you're somebody outside of your children and, and you know, we don't live in a world of communal parenting anymore, so it's hard. It is hard to be a parent. It really is. But we don't need alcohol to help us with that. We need we need community. We need more people to step up and care for each other, not to jump in the mommy circle and just drink together.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and that's the hard part is, I don't really think that, even in social media, I don't think there's any like bad intentions behind the things that they're posting.

Speaker 3:

And so I'll give an example the things that they're posting, and so I'll give an example, as there's memes where moms are holding up a bottle of wine or some kind of alcohol and there's a child next to them and then they'll have like a, you know, just kind of like a sarcastic saying with with the whole picture. You know, and I don't think that people are aware that when there are mothers out there who have gone into drinking when they become parents because they don't know how to deal with the stress or anxiety that comes along with parenthood, that it's becomes insensitive to them and it becomes a trigger to them. And so it's good that you're here voicing that, because I don't, I'm not, I don't think that people are truly, truly aware that, unfortunately, becoming a parent, there's really not a book that could really teach you how to be a parent, because every child is different. I'm a mother of two and I could tell you right now my children are two different beings.

Speaker 1:

Mine are so different.

Speaker 3:

And growing up I have had to learn how to become a better mother, as I've been healing myself Because I know growing up I've said things that probably I shouldn't have said, I've done things I shouldn't have done, thinking of disciplining them, you know, and in return, my words have been unkind and they probably have affected them in some way, and it's not an intentional thing, but it's just because I didn't know how to regulate my own emotions with what I was going through. So therefore, I would then project those emotions onto my children when they did something. And so now I'm learning how to speak in a way where I'm being heard, but I'm also hearing what they're telling me in return. You know, and a lot of times parents have this I'm the parent, I'm the hierarchy, I'm superior over you.

Speaker 3:

What I say goes. What you say does not matter, say goes, what you say does not matter. And that's not the truth, right? We start understanding that our children should be free to be their authentic selves, but it takes us a journey of understanding that of us also overcoming what we've been through. And so talking about that, how did it affect your children? And let's just aim at that how did your children deal with mommy and when mommy drink and stuff. Have they told you anything?

Speaker 1:

That's hard and it's going to be something that I have to live with for the rest of my life, and it's it's really I mean it, just it pains me. Before I tell you about that, let me just say too, I mean it, just it pains me. Before I tell you about that, let me just say too, it was interesting.

Speaker 1:

On Instagram there was a woman who I was following and not sober. I follow a lot of sober women and thankfully there are tons of them, and I'm so proud of just every single person who was so willing to be out there, because I was not willing to be honest about it for many years, because I was not willing to be honest about it for many years. So there's one woman who basically was yelling in all capital letters upset with the sober moms shaming the non-sober moms, and I thought I'm pretty sure you can't say that everyone has a drinking problem. That's not, that's not fair, for sure. But if you're questioning it and if you're having that reaction, think about why you're having that reaction and if that's, if that's, if those are the types of means and things like that that they want to post about, okay.

Speaker 3:

But you were in that phase one time, right, heather? Yes, oh, and the thing is that you're now speaking in terms of your healing journey and everything you've recovered. But when you were at that point in your life, no matter what people said, no matter what people would tell you, hey, you're drinking too much, or I don't think it's okay that you're getting up in the morning and drinking a cup of wine. You know, people could have told you anything at that moment in time, but you thought you were okay. Oh, yeah, I thought there was nothing wrong. No, and that's kind of like the same way as those moms were defending themselves, feel they feel that there's nothing wrong with them. And until they get that light within themselves and until they realize what it is that they're going through and what they're trying to hide by drinking, then that's going to be their moments of healing, their moment of, you know, focusing on that. But until then, it doesn't matter what people tell you, because you're not going to believe otherwise.

Speaker 1:

No, absolutely Absolutely, and you know it. Yeah, I mean when all the moms are at the soccer game at 10am and they have wine in their coffee cups, and you're one of them and you think it's normal because everybody else is doing it. The sad thing is, though, that there were times when I didn't even want to drink, but I did it because everyone else was. If they were pouring wine or mimosas at a soccer game, or something, 100% I would, you know. I, how do you say no? You don't want to be the person that's left out, so how do you say no now?

Speaker 3:

How do you say no? I know, you just say no. You just say no, thank you, and you don't. You say no. Now how?

Speaker 1:

do you say no, I know you just say no. You just say no, thank you, and you don't have to give a reason, you do not have to justify it. You say no thanks and you come with your coffee and you just say nope, I'm good with my coffee, thanks, and you move along. And if they pressure you, you just go nope, thanks, I'm good. Peer pressure.

Speaker 1:

As adults it's kind of like in the workplace how do you go to a business meeting, a work meeting, when your clients are drinking as you're coming up in the business world, and how to get around not drinking with your clients, because you really shouldn't be, you shouldn't be getting drunk at the same time there, because bad things can happen and there are ways around.

Speaker 1:

You know you can pull the waiter aside and talk to them and actually you know what the same thing goes as a mom.

Speaker 1:

If you are going out let's say it's a mom's night out you can go to the waiter and actually, if you know everybody's drinking for some reason they're going to give you a hard time because some moms just do that, even though I disagree with it. You can go to the waiter, say I have to use the restroom and then pull your waiter aside and say I'm going to order whatever kind of martini, something, a sweet something, because that's easier to get away with, and say please just make this without alcohol. Now, if you're an alcoholic and recovery, like I am, I'm honest and so I specifically say to the waiter I cannot have alcohol. I want this drink, but it cannot have alcohol in it, because I never want to take a sip of something and have somebody just accidentally put something in it. But if you're someone who you're not recovering but you just don't want to drink, you can easily figure out ways to order something non-alcoholic without everyone knowing too.

Speaker 3:

I guess I've been really fortunate in that area. The universe has been really great at keeping certain people just naturally away.

Speaker 3:

And so I haven't really like how to tell anybody, but I made the choice to drink intentionally. What I mean by that is, if I want to have a glass of wine, I'll have a glass of wine. But I don't typically drink anymore, and the reason why is because I was trying to hide behind the alcohol and not feeling my pain from my breakup and acknowledging that I was suppressing my childhood trauma and not wanting to face that pain and that hurt, you know. And so I realized that I didn't want to drink and so I'm not an alcoholic, so I'm able to have bottles of wine in my house and know that I don't crave it you know and I and I'm safe and I'm okay.

Speaker 3:

And it was really hard for some of my friends when we started going out, because they were so used to me drinking with them, they were so used to me like ordering, because they were so used to me drinking with them. They were so used to me like ordering, you know, a glass of wine, tasting some beer, and when I told them I'm not going to drink, I would remember vividly. They would be like come on, just one, just drink one with me. And I would be like no, I am not going to drink, I am drinking my water and I am okay. However, if you choose to drink, that's okay, I'm okay, I support you, I'm fine.

Speaker 3:

You know, and I don't know whether it was mostly more uncomfortable for them to drink in front of me, and it was really me not drinking in front of them, because I wasn't uncomfortable not drinking in front of them. I actually was very comfortable not drinking in front of them. I actually was very comfortable not drinking in front of them. So I think sometimes is that they feel uncomfortable drinking in front of you and by all means I don't want anybody to ever feel that, oh well, I feel I'm better than you because I don't drink. No, no, no. I feel that you know, people could drink socially and drink healthy and know their limits and that's okay, you know, and it's okay to respect others if they choose not to drink. And I think that's where I've been very fortunate that my friends who I have and hang out with yeah.

Speaker 3:

I don't have to drink around them while they're enjoying their glass of wine and they perfectly are fine with it, and there's no questions asked, there's nothing said, it's just accepted as it is. And it feels amazing because I could be authentically me without having to mold into what I feel they think I should be, and I'm not going to be in that phase in my life anymore where I'm molding myself to be accepted. Either you accept me as I am or you're just not my person, as you said, right, yeah, yeah. And so I wanted to go back to you and talk about your children, and I know this may be a little sensitive, so if you don't want to, it's okay. But I feel that parents out there who have drank or are drinking that are not aware of the effects that it does have under children. Maybe that could also help them become more aware, more, you know, conscientious of it, because a lot of times we don't see that there may be a problem in us drinking and how our children are affected in the long run. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So my kids are four years apart. So, harper, you know, maybe she might have some trauma that comes up later on, but she doesn't really remember. She just remembers that I was tired. So before, so I.

Speaker 1:

What happened with my alcoholism or my drinking is that increasingly, I was fun right, I wasn't an angry drunk, but it eventually got to that so I was fun and then all of a sudden I was just tired and I would just drink until I passed out, and then I would drink, and when I drank I got angry and I turned into a. It was like Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing. So, thankfully, my daughter just remembers. As far as I know we've talked about it, but as far as I know she just remembers mommy was tired, mom was tired. My son, however, saw my husband sitting on the stairs and heard him sobbing and not knowing what to do.

Speaker 1:

So when things got to be really bad, like I said, is when the drinking really turned me into this angry, terrible, terrible person and all of my insecurities, everything I had ever been angry about in life, literally came crumbling down, and I did try to kill myself a couple times because the depression got that bad. But that's my husband. So my husband stopped drinking three years before me. We both tried to stop and it took me three years of hardcore drinking. I just couldn't do it and I desperately wanted to.

Speaker 1:

Anybody out there who knows what addiction is and they felt it themselves they understand. What I'm saying is you can't just stop any sort of addiction. I even had a friend and I'll go back to the kids in a minute I even have a friend who, she, has issues with food and I was saying I'll make you a cake for your birthday, your favorite cheesecake. And I said it a couple of times and she kept saying no, no, no, I don't want to eat sugar, I don't like, really, just a little bit. She stopped me and she said Heather, would I say that same thing to you about a drink? And I was like, oh no, message heard. Message heard.

Speaker 1:

So I don't care if it's you're addicted to food, food issues, whatever Addicts know what I'm talking about that you're just not able to stop. It's very, very, very, very difficult. So three years of up and down and up and down, and I would drink excessively when I traveled and I traveled a lot and all expenses paid and all that. So I would drink in my hotel and I would travel more than I had to because I just wanted to drink, which I know sounds crazy and terrible and it was. But so my son remembers those times when dad was crying on the steps. I don't know that. He remembers me being angry. What he talks about more is the mumbling and the repeating myself and the stumbling around and tripping and things like that. He hasn't mentioned a lot of the anger that I conveyed, but I can't do anything about it now.

Speaker 1:

So we talk about it and we talk about my addiction. He knows he's 19. He can choose to drink. I would like that he doesn't. I don't want him to do drugs, but he has to make those choices. And he knows that addiction runs in the family on both of our sides, both my husband's and my side. But we talk about it and sometimes he'll say so. My mom has Alzheimer's and there was one time I don't remember when it was in the last year, and he was pretty upset and I asked him what was wrong and he said it. Just seeing grandma like this reminds me of you when you were drinking, and that's rough. You know it could have been a lot worse. He experienced he definitely saw a lot of things that I wish that he hadn't and I was a pretty shitty parent during that time. I mean, I still showed up to all the school things. I showed up, but I was not 100% there, you know, for several years.

Speaker 3:

But now you're not at that point anymore.

Speaker 1:

Yep no.

Speaker 3:

And you? You cannot change what has happened, Nope. But what you could do now, and what you're doing now, is just building a better relationship with your children and your husband, and ultimately, that had to start with yourself, yeah Right, realizing that you're worthy, you're valuable and that you're deserving of the best, and that it's okay to be who you are. Through your talkative, your loud, your opinionated, I mean, you stand up for yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

You know, we all have a right to our own opinion in life. You know, we have a right to speak up for ourselves. We have a right to be weird. We have a right to speak up for ourselves. We have a right to be weird, we have a right to be quirky, we have a right to be talkative and it's okay. That is our right and nobody has a right to bully us for it and for being different. So now I want people to know, because that is not who you are. That is a part of your journey, that is a part of your journey and that is a part of your path, but it's not at all who you are. When was your true awakening? When did you connect with your higher being and your divine self and you said enough is enough. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So four and a half years ago. So it was, I say, March 21. Technically, if you go by AA standards, it's the day that you've had your last drink, but I was so hung over I'm like this cannot be my sober day Like this.

Speaker 1:

I still have so much alcohol in my system. So March 20th was the day that I woke up and said I'm just done. It was literally after we had friends that were coming over for dinner, and I also have to say that some of the okay I'm sure you've seen me posting about menopause Any woman out there who's going through menopause, which can be from age 35 on it's not 40, it's not 50, and it does last for 10 years, it can start as early as 35. For me, and what I'm starting to learn, is, as you start to go through menopause and your hormones shift, the way that your body processes alcohol shifts. So I could have two drinks and be wasted. People would say to me I don't understand, you haven't had that much to drink, and I didn't understand it either. By the way, yes, there were times when I would drink a whole bottle of wine, 100%, or have a couple like vodka martinis, dirty martinis, but there were also times when I didn't, and it was I also. As I started, I discovered high intensity interval training and weights and my body fat decreased so much. So so much was going on.

Speaker 1:

It was, it was that perfect storm. So the reason I say that is because I went behind my husband's back and we were having dinner. We were having a family over for dinner and I had you know, I snuck wine and I probably had two glasses and I was like wasted before they even came over, and so we had to make up an excuse that I wasn't feeling well. And they, they got there and I was still downstairs and then Doug said can I talk to you? And he brought me upstairs and I just went to sleep and I woke up the next day and I said I'm done, I am so tired, I don't want to be, I don't want to be suicidal anymore. I don't want to disappoint my husband anymore. I don't want to disappoint my parents anymore, because my parents props to them. I can't imagine having an adult child who's an addict of some kind, because it's hard, right, it's beyond hard. So I just that was the epiphany. It wasn't even a rock bottom. I had hit my rock bottom, what should have been my rock bottom. Way, way before that, a year or two before that, Some bad shit went down and this was just. I just woke up and just said I'm so tired, I don't want to do this anymore, and I called a friend who had been trying to get me sober. She had reached out to me probably six months prior and, by the way, I had started going to AA meetings and this was in.

Speaker 1:

So this was March 2019. I had started going to AA meetings in like September or October of 2018. And I had been so I had been trying. I had been trying for a couple of years. I would go three months, oh and oh yeah, Part of my story too I went through two rounds of outpatient rehab too.

Speaker 1:

That was a lot of time and a lot of money, and so I would go six months, I would go three months and I would up and down, up and down, and I just couldn't hold it together and I don't know what it was. But I woke up and I called my friend and I said I'm just so tired. But I woke up and I called my friend and I said I'm just so tired, I'm just so tired. And I actually had a script. I didn't even know if it was safe to take anymore. I was like I don't even care if it has an expiration date, I'm just, I just want to take this. So when I know the alcohol's out of my system. So about two days later, my husband didn't believe me that I was done, Didn't believe me, Wasn't supportive Cause he was just like it's all just words.

Speaker 1:

And I popped that pill. And I popped a pill every day for six months until I and I went to AA meetings. I drove two hours in ice and snow and rain, and I and I did that for months. For six Well, that was March, so for six months. Then I was on the medication until I felt stable and said, okay, I think I'm going to wean myself. There was no weaning off of it, you can just not take it. But I had enough of a plan in place. I had my AA women's group, I had people to support me, I had been doing the work, and that was it. That was it. So March 21, 2019 is my date, and and yeah, that was it. So March 21, 2019 is my date, and yeah, that was it. And I have to say, though, one of the hardest things almost even harder than trying to get sober and going through all the terrible things was being sober and my husband not being happy for me.

Speaker 1:

For me because he had seen, so he, I had lied so many times and put him through such hell and back and my family, my parents, my parents were very supportive.

Speaker 1:

My dad, to this day, is still like oh yeah you have that AA meeting on Thursday nights Like I shouldn't call you, and that night he always remembers. But Doug, and I don't blame him, I do not blame him for it. So I would say, the first two years even my one year soberversary which was like four days into the pandemic I didn't expect him to be happy, to celebrate nothing, and it took two years. It was hard and I cried a lot and said when is this going to get better? When is he going to start trusting me? When is this going to get better? When is he going to start trusting me?

Speaker 1:

So it was kind of excruciating and happy all at the same time every day for two years. And then all of a sudden it was like okay, she's two years sober, maybe things are going to get better. And then it just kept going. And then I was on my friend's podcast on a whim and after three I was three years sober before I was actually, before I told anyone my story outside of the AA rooms and I tell you it's.

Speaker 1:

It's amazing because it really I'm back to who I was in high school when I was happy, or in my 20s when I was happy. I'm back to that person that when I wasn't drinking and I was free and I wasn't being bullied and I didn't have all the crap. I'm back to being that person and it's pretty freeing. It's pretty amazing. And I didn't think that my life could be so good. Now, mind you, I'm I'm still on an antidepressant. So I switched to Zoloft. I was over-medicated. That's a whole, nother part of my story. I was over-medicated. I weaned myself off of the medication. I should have been hospitalized to do that. I wasn't. I did it on my by myself. It was horrible. I'm do not recommend. It's not recommended. You could die doing that. So please, don't do that. Anyone who's listening? Please, please, please. But. And then I realized, when I was a couple months off of it, I was actually my, my squirrely brain went back to that depressive state and I was like, okay, this isn't just, this wasn't just the alcohol. Clearly I have. I have a gene. I have, you know, a chemical imbalance in my brain. I need this to level me out. So I'm on a very minimal dose of something and I say that that also saved my life, probably because of the whole menopause issue too, because then I'm like, great, I'm sober, now I'm going through menopause. This sucks. So that's really hard. But yeah, I still have my really terrible days I also. But I do the work and recently I had therapy done.

Speaker 1:

She, I wanted to do hypnotherapy because it kept nagging me. I kept wondering what is it Like? What made me be this way? Is it genetics? That's why I had a hard time going full circle. Is it genetics? That's why I had a hard time going full circle? It's like I don't know how to answer that, because I kind of feel like I'm still exploring what the hell was going on with me and we actually unpacked a lot. So anyone who's going through some things and they feel like talk therapy oh my God, I've had thousands of hours of talk therapy and nothing helped me Like this helped me in like an hour and a half of doing this timeline therapy, where you basically go you think she has you go back at certain like points in your timeline of life and deal with it. Right, you look for trauma.

Speaker 1:

The stuff that came up was crazy. So I should mention there were things that because I want people to know that it's not just like, oh, she just drank, it's that typical story? It's not. So we uncovered that something happened. My mom went back to work. I found out why my mom went back to work it's because my dad decided to not take a salary for a year and my whole world turned out kind of upside down. But I didn't know that it's because my mom went back to work through no fault of her own. I didn't know. That's why she went back to work until this summer with my dad, and because my dad told me we were just having a conversation and then it came out in this timeline therapy.

Speaker 1:

She's, like you felt abandoned. Your mom was always there when you got home from school. Now you were a latchkey kid. There were all these things that happened.

Speaker 1:

And then I witnessed my mom and I drove when I was 15, I must've been, maybe or 16. We witnessed a car accident where one of my brother's friends. I grew up in Michigan and there's terrible snow and ice, but we learned how to drive in it, so you just did and it was a terrible snowstorm and my mom and I were out in it and we came up on a car with my brother's. Oh my God, I mean I can't imagine his friend, but my brother's friend had hit a little girl. She was walking home from school and she was pinned under the car and we were the first people on the scene. So there my brother was in a car accident, almost killed himself and three other people, drinking and driving. He's a recovering addict. He's been sober and clean 33 years long time. I have a lot of trauma, a lot, a lot, a lot. So when you ask, what was I hiding from? What was I'm? Going to start crying again, vivian, I don't.

Speaker 1:

I'm still unpacking it right A lot. And then you add in my traumatic birth and all of these things. It's, oh my God, no wonder I drank. I was hurting, I had so much pain, I had so much pain. I'm surprised that I'm even alive today after so much of it. You know so much of it, the bullying, I mean so much of it. So, like I said, I haven't told this story in a while. So when you asked me that question, it's, it's kind of like it was hard for me to talk about then and but now I'm unpacking it with you a little bit now. So I encourage everyone. I don't want to go back to. I don't want to constantly be going back in my life because I don't need to dredge stuff up, but I do need to heal. Yes, so I went to Becky wanting to know why I drank, but later wondering why I drank. Someone tried to kill my husband 11 years ago. Did you hear that in my story? I don't even think I told it in that original podcast.

Speaker 3:

No, you didn't say that Someone tried to murder him 11 years ago.

Speaker 1:

That's when the drinking got really really, really bad. So there's all these complexities. So you can see how disjointed my story is. I suppose I should have written this down in like timeline fashion and just gone through it all. But it's complex, there's a, there's a lot this didn't just happen.

Speaker 3:

And I think that's the beauty of healing. There's it's the hard part of healing. Yeah, the thing is that we, for so long, our mind has a way of protecting us and so it suppresses a lot of memories that it thinks is protecting us, and what we do is we suppress it and we think it's forgotten, but it's still there in our choices that we make, because our body becomes familiar to certain things, because that is how our brain is programmed, but we're not consciously aware of it because we've suppressed so much. And so now that you're going through your healing and you're deeply understanding what it is you went through as a child because your mind protected you for so long. It was your ego just there, constantly protecting you, right? Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And now you decided to let your ego go and say I'm okay. Yeah, I don't need you to protect me right now. Yeah, I actually need to sit in this with myself to recognize how I can make myself better. And it's very hard and it's not easy, as you've mentioned, but I think that going through that phase in your life right now with Becky and opening up those areas in your life has also helped you understand why you made choices that were unhealthy growing up as an adult, and it gives you a bigger perspective of understanding. I get it now, but I'm gonna be okay because I'm working on myself and that's what the journey of healing and it's all a process you know.

Speaker 3:

And so, yes, you were all over the place, but that's how you felt for so long. You felt like you were all over the place for so long because you didn't understand why am I acting this way? Why can't I be this way? I have a great husband, I have two children, but yet I don't feel fulfilled why? And so, until you start understanding that part of it, now you're able to work on yourself deeply and completely. So it's okay to be all over the place. It's okay not to understand, it's okay not to know. You don't have to be sorry over the place. It's okay not to understand. It's okay not to know. You don't have to be sorry because we're all going through that, just like me in my healing journey. I haven't faced everything that my mind has suppressed. I get tiny bits of it of of memories and then I start understanding.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I get it. Okay, I get that. Oh, I get why I attracted a narcissist person into my life. Because my stepfather was narcissistic and that's the abuse that I went through since I was a child, all the way till my mom divorced him and I was 17. And I've never said this to anybody, but I grew up believing that this man was my father for years, you know, for years, because my mom felt that if she told me that he wasn't, that I was going to look at my mom different. Oh my gosh. But the moment that she told me that he was not my father.

Speaker 2:

After I told her everything I went through was one of the moments in my life where I was able to see light, because I then believed that a father would not be capable of hurting me the way he did.

Speaker 3:

That the only reason he did is because I was not biologically his daughter obviously that's not always true, because a lot of times the people who are to the most are those who are within your family, you know, and so. But that was my moment for myself to realize. It was an awakening for me of okay, see, I knew it all along.

Speaker 3:

I had a feeling all along that he couldn't possibly ever be my father because my father wouldn't treat me that way. And so, although my mom felt as though I was going to look down on her, I never did. I am very empathetic and I just learned to empathize with my mom because I knew my mom had overcome and gone through so much herself. And so, yes, we don't understand why we become who we become or why we do what we do. But until we do and we go into those deepest, darkest parts of our hidden memories, then we start having a more deeper understanding. So don't be sorry for what you went through.

Speaker 1:

I think, you might need to not be a nurse anymore. You need to go back to school and be a therapist.

Speaker 3:

You've helped me a lot. I love being a nurse. I'm very passionate about helping my patients physically, emotionally, but I'm also going into life coaching. So, for you? Yes, so yes.

Speaker 3:

So I am here to help people out, to to find their light, you know, and to for them to start living the lives that they're worthy of living. Yeah, and so that's why I'm creating this, and that's why I'm so happy that you came on and shared your story, because your story matters, you matter, your voice matters, all of our stories matter and thank you so much for sharing that with me.

Speaker 1:

And you know what's crazy is so? Misty White was on my podcast. She had the same thing happen with her dad. She grew up thinking her dad was her dad and she had an identical twin who unfortunately passed away of cancer a couple of years ago. And she's very young, she was like 30 something when she passed. But I keep hearing more and more stories. One of my really close friends, her boyfriend, thought his dad was his dad. He wouldn't have thought otherwise. His birthday was black, his mom is white and his stepdad is black and he just always thought, I mean, he just there was no reason because no one told them. So it's amazing. So thank you for being brave to share that with me and I love that. That's one of the reasons I created my podcast.

Speaker 1:

Sharing Out Loud is, you know, when people start to say things that they've never said aloud, when they open their mouth and allow those words to come out, it's freeing, right, it's freeing. It's also pushes you to have to deal, then with saying whatever it is that you know this emotion, whatever it is that you've said out loud, it pushes you to kind of face it and say, okay, now that it's out there and it also, you're doing such a service to other people who might be feeling very, very alone. And you know, we, our stories make us who we are, and I've always been that person. I want to help everyone and I've lost myself and not helped myself because I want to help everyone else. So I've always been that person who usually listens to everyone and that's probably why I'm such a talker.

Speaker 2:

I don't actually talk about myself a lot, I just talk.

Speaker 1:

That's probably why I'm such a talker. I don't actually talk about myself a lot, I just talk. That's probably why I was getting my story out there. It was a little difficult just now, but, yeah, I think sharing our stories, just it's just so important to help others and to free ourselves of our own burdens.

Speaker 3:

I want to thank you for being here. I want to thank you for being here. I want to thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing your story, and your journey is so amazing and so powerful and you're so strong and just know that you're not alone. You're never alone and so if you could leave everybody with just the thought of what has been your most empowering moment of your life, now, where you know that you're so worthy of the best, what would you share?

Speaker 1:

You know, no matter what has happened in your life and I know that people have had more traumatic experiences than me, for sure, on all different levels no one is broken to heal, and you should love yourself enough and have faith enough in yourself to seek that healing. So find someone that you trust, find someone that will listen, find someone that will push you to get the help that you need. We were not put on this earth to suffer. We were put on this earth to thrive and you deserve it. Everyone deserves to thrive, so just make sure that that happens. You are not broken. We all can be healed.

Speaker 3:

I love that. So ending it with that note be healed. I love that. So ending it with that note stay tuned, and I appreciate everybody for connecting with me. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much to everybody. We are all warriors of our lives. We are worthy of the best and let's just keep believing that we are deserving of amazing things in this world. Thank you for taking your time and connecting with me on this beautiful journey of life. Please subscribe and review, and don't forget to follow so you don't miss out on any of these amazing and empowering episodes. Always remember you matter. If nobody has told you today, I am here to tell you that you are enough, you are worthy and you are deserving of the best. Every day that you wake up, I want you to take one moment and just look at yourself in the mirror and know that the person staring back at you is so proud of you and loves you beyond measures. You are a true warrior. I'm sorry.