I Lost My Voice Trying to Survive.. This is Me Finding it Again

A bigger paycheck can feel like safety, until you realize it’s costing you your health, your family time, and your sense of self. After a year away from the mic, I’m back to share the real reason I disappeared: I was working two nursing jobs, pouring into everyone else, and quietly drifting from the purpose that actually makes me feel alive. 

We talk about the pressure to “work, work, work,” the fear that shows up when you consider letting a job go, and the mindset shift that changed everything for me. Money matters, but I’ve stopped treating it like the source of happiness. Instead, I see money as a tool that supports a meaningful life. When we don’t make space for what’s meant for us, we block the very opportunities, peace, and fulfillment we keep saying we want. 

From there, the conversation goes deeper into healing from trauma and rebuilding self-worth after abuse and toxic relationships. I share how I moved from “why is this happening to me?” to “what is this teaching me?” and why accountability is where our power lives. We don’t choose the pain we’ve lived through, but we can choose what we do next, how we heal, and how we stop repeating cycles rooted in childhood wounds and scarcity thinking. 

If you’ve been questioning your worth, your voice, or your future, I want you to hear this clearly: you are not defined by your past. Listen, share this with someone who needs it, and subscribe, follow, and leave a review so more warriors can find their way back to themselves.

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Disclaimer:Self Worth Revolution Podcast is a space for education, inspiration, & personal growth. Conversations may include trauma, abuse, mental health, addiction, relationships, &other sensitive experiences. Content shared is intended to inspire self-awareness, self-worth, & personal growth and not a substitute for medical, mental health, legal, or professional advice. Healing can bring up emotions & memories. Please honor your needs while listening & seek support when needed.

Transcript

Welcome To The Self Worth Revolution

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to the Self-Worth Revolution podcast, hosted by Vivian Medrano. I am not only a podcaster, but a mother, a nurse, a life coach, and a survivor. This podcast is about turning your pain into your power, your experiences into your lessons, and to start living a life full of abundance, energy, and fulfillment. My higher purpose is for my listeners to find their self-worth and their value by following their path to greatness. We are all deserving of living our best lives. It is time to stop identifying with our past, start living in the present for a better future.

A Year Away And Burnout

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Hello to all my amazing warriors. I'm back. I'm definitely back. It's been about a year since I've uploaded a podcast episode. And to be honest, I wasn't sure when I would be back. Life got pretty busy. I would say I started working two jobs. I started working two nursing jobs and I was pouring myself into everyone and everything. Meanwhile, I was just distancing myself from what I believe is my greater purpose. I started working these two jobs thinking, you know, money is so important. I need money. Money is the thing that's going to drive my happiness. And slowly I started realizing that it wasn't money that was going to lead me to that place of happiness. But what was going to lead me to that place of happiness is actually living within my purpose. So today I could honestly tell you that letting go of my second job a couple months ago was not something that was easy because change isn't easy. Becoming uncomfortable isn't easy. And knowing that I was going to have to find a way to balance my finances without not losing myself, becoming overwhelmed, or feeling anxious was something that was extremely difficult to do. Because I'm sure some of you out there were in the same boat that I am, always trying to figure out how I can live within my means, how can I live within my purpose? How can I follow my passion? How can I travel? How can I enjoy life if I let go of one of my jobs? But the thing is that when you don't make room for what's important for you, for what's meaningful from you, all you're doing is working, working, working, but are you truly living life? Are you truly happy? Is that money truly bringing you happiness? Or do you feel burned out? Do you feel as though you're not spending quality time with your family? Do you feel as though you really aren't making ends meet? Because the whole purpose that you did this was to be able to spend quality time with your family, but the last thing that you're doing is not spending quality time with your family. So I decided that there were going to be no way fear, no way self-doubt, and no way am I going to question myself to let go of this second job. I decided that I had to do it. Because

Letting Go Of The Second Job

SPEAKER_00 4:11

yes, although money matters, and although money is important, it's not the number one thing to your happiness. Today I see money as a tool. I don't see a money as something that's going to be the one factor that's going to bring me happiness. I see money as a tool that allows me or us to live, provide, experience, and create opportunities. Absolutely. But it's not the number one factor to our happiness. Money is not what brings us happiness. What brings us happiness is living a life full of fulfillment and purpose. And so what I realized is that I had to make room for what is meant for me. And that's not going to come to me if I didn't make space. So I decided the number one thing that I had to do was make space. Because without not making space or clearing a pathway or a way to receive, and all I'm doing is just blocking it, I'm never going to receive it. So I had to tell myself, you know what, Vivian, you got this. You could do it. Because you've always lived in those limiting beliefs, in that scarcity mindset that if you don't do it this way, then nothing's going to happen for you. Then there's no possibilities in life. That you have to work, work, work, work, and you have to work hard in order to make possibilities happen. And the reality of it is when we work so hard, we never even have the opportunity to live. Because all we're doing is working. So I decided to stop holding on too tight to what felt comfortable and to start venturing out into what was unfamiliar. And to realize that although money was important, money was going to come to me at the right time, doing what I love and following my purpose. So sometimes we'd hold on so tightly to what feels safe that we never leave room for possibilities. And so I told myself I had to let go because it's time to make room for possibilities. And that's where I found myself. I found my it. I found my it factor. I found what I have to do to make myself happy.

Money As A Tool Not Happiness

SPEAKER_00 6:56

And holding on to security while quietly letting go of my purpose was not my joy, was not my happiness, because I was becoming further and further away of why I have lived the life that I have lived, why I have overcome the hidden battles and struggles that I have overcome. I had to do something with it, and it was something greater than where I was aligning with. That I could talk about people even in my sleep because it brings me so much joy. I could talk about it for hours and hours and hours, and I don't get bored about talking to it. Why? Because I've lived it, I've experienced it, I've gone through it. It's something that I hold like a trophy. Because everything that I've done, I'm a winner. I'm the number one because I did it for myself. Nobody gave it to me. I did it. So it's that thing that calls on to you. Even when you're trying to ignore it, you can't ignore it because it's right there. And so, although for a while I try to ignore it as though I didn't care, it life didn't happen

Turning Trauma Into Strength

SPEAKER_00 9:05

to me. Those things didn't happen to me. I was living within fear, limiting beliefs, my generational trauma. I started realizing that it was time for me to stop living within this victimhood of what happened to me and start embracing what I've lived through. And I know for some of you you guys may think like she's absolutely nuts. How can you embrace what you've been through? How can you embrace your abuse, your trauma, your toxic relationships, how people treated me verbally, emotionally, physically, even sexually? The thing is that if none of that stuff happened to me, I wouldn't be here sitting speaking to you the way I am, because that wouldn't have been my story, that wouldn't have been my experience. The reason that I'm here being able to talk to you about my purpose, about what I went through, about what I conquered, is because I live through what I lived through. And although I don't wish it on anybody to live what I went through as a child and then into my adulthood, and I just continued and continued the cycle of pain and trauma, not consciously knowing that it was because I was choosing not to heal. Although I wouldn't choose it on anybody, I wouldn't change it for myself. Because then I would change small parts of myself, and within those small parts of myself, there are some happy moments that I had. And without those challenges that I went through, the trauma that I went through, I wouldn't be this compassionate, loving, amazing, understanding woman that I am. I'm strong. My strength comes from not giving up of myself because nobody else is responsible for me but me. And that's something that I realized through everything that I went through. So one of the greatest lessons that I learned on my healing journey was understanding the difference between being a victim of what happened to me and just understanding that it didn't happen to me, it happened for me. I did not choose my child abuse childhood abuse. I did not choose the pain. I did not choose the trauma. I did not choose many of the things that happened to me. But I did have a choice on what I did next. And along with that, I didn't choose to date men who are narcissistic, right? I chose to date a man who happens to be narcissistic. I didn't understand what narcissism was. I had no idea what it was until I started educating myself. But we'll go into that a little later because that's a whole episode of its own. But I did have a choice in what I did next. And besides me showing up today, there's a lot of next that there's going to be. And I realized that if I continue to identify myself only with what happened to me, then I would continue to give my power away to the people, the circumstances and the situations that no longer served me. And I was like, hell no, am I gonna continue giving my energy away to people, situations and circumstances that I know don't belong to me? They don't belong to me. So I give it back to you because they do not belong to me. So the

From Victimhood To Responsibility

SPEAKER_00 13:25

moment I stopped asking, what is happening to me? Why is this happening to me? And I started asking myself, hmm, what is this teaching me? I think that's the moment that everything just kind of like clicked and everything began to change because I erased that victimhood mentality of poor me. Why is this happening to me? Boo-hoo. Yes, we're gonna go through those moments when we have no idea what we're going through, through the trauma bond, through the abuse, through the forgiveness, through the too many chances, because we don't understand. But if we keep staying, we're not able, we're never gonna be able to break that cycle. And so the moment that I decided to leave my last abusive relationship, it's the moment I chose to heal. And then that's when everything started like just opening up my eyes of why, of the what, what happened to me, what happened to me when I was a child. It goes so deep. And a lot of times is like the choices and decisions and circumstances we put ourselves in as adults, it's because of the what happened to me when I was a child, and that's something that I started understanding. But as an adult, we now have a choice to continue to live within those means or to know that we're worth so much more than what we were told that we were worth as children. So one of the hardest truths I had to face was understanding that while I was responsible, while I was not, sorry, while I was not responsible for what happened to me, I was responsible to continue to choose the life that I was choosing to live. Being in situations that didn't belong to me, trying to fit into areas, into rooms, into spaces that I was just dimming my light. It was not for me to be in. Being in narcissistic toxic relationships, why? Because it gave me attention, because I felt loved, because it felt comfortable, because that's what I felt love was supposed to be. If I forgive enough, maybe they'll realize my worth, maybe they'll realize that I'm lovable, maybe you know I'll be their everything. That's what I had to choose was an understanding. The bigger question is, why did I stay? Why did I forgive? Why did I give so many opportunities to people who didn't deserve it? Well why was I working in jobs that didn't make me happy? Why was I putting myself into spaces or trying to fit into rooms that I knew wouldn't make me happy, but yet I wanted to be there. That's what was important to me is asking myself the why do you stay when you know you should not? And once I started asking myself the bigger questions, the harder questions, that's when the deep work started happening. So that I no longer was going to tolerate situations that were not meant for me. I no longer was going to stay in environments that were not of service to me. I had to look at myself honestly, not from judgment, not from shame, but from responsibility. Because responsibility is where our power lies. Taking accountability is where our power lies. And all of that starts with becoming aware of the what, the why. And once we become aware and we're able to take accountability and responsibility, then it doesn't matter what anybody says to us. Why? Because you acknowledge that that was part of you. So therefore, nobody could beat you down for like, oh yeah, you see you were in that relationship. Oh yeah, you see that happened to you when you were little, you know, oh yeah, your parents were probably mean to you because you deserve that. You know that's not true, right? Because now you take responsibility for understanding the deeper thing of what happened to you, which is something that I had to understand. And it took me a while. It's not something that you just snap your fingers and all of a sudden it just vanishes. It takes work. But the work is worth it. And so everything that I went through, from my childhood abuse to my one too many narcissistic relationships, to staying in jobs where I was bullied, harassed, humiliated, and that made me question my worth through every single experience, shaped the woman I am today. Okay? Let me repeat that again. Everything I went through from my childhood abuse to my one too many narcissistic relationships, to staying in jobs that did not serve my purpose, where I was bullied, harassed, humiliated, and it made me question my worth. Every single one of those experiences have shaped the woman I am today. And I know to many of you, or to some of you, this may sound surprisingly ridiculous. But if you handed me a magic wand and you told me to erase it all, I wouldn't. And it's not because it didn't hurt, and it's not because it was fair, and it's not because I deserved it, but because every experience became part of the woman I fought so hard to become and who I am today. Without

Using Your Voice Without Shame

SPEAKER_00 20:05

those experiences, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have discovered my voice, the voice that was silenced for so many years. I was always told to be quiet, to shut up, to not speak up. I was a liar, I wasn't telling the truth. You know, I was always was frowned upon for speaking up. So I learned that staying quiet was the best thing to do. Until today I have found my voice. And the biggest thing is I wouldn't have discovered my purpose. So today I am that woman who has converted my pain to power. I am not just a woman who survived childhood abuse. I am not just a woman who survived adult abuse or narcissistic abuse. I am a woman who made the decision to not allow those experiences to define who I am and what I deserve. I became the woman who I am today, the warrior, the goddess, the woman who stands up and is the voice for other women who have not yet found their voice. The woman who is the light for those still walking through the darkness and trying to figure out where the path is. I am their light. And I know some people may think that this is unreal and just made up, right? Corny. It may sound even unrealistic. It may sound impossible. But I could tell you from my own experience, from who I am, where I'm at right now. I'm gonna ask you this. Imagine if instead of your pain controlling you, you learned how to control the meaning you gave it. Imagine if your greatest wounds became your greatest source of wisdom. Imagine if the very thing that tried to break you became the reason you discovered your strength. How empowering would that be? If you controlled the pain, if you took control of your trauma, if you turned those wounds of yours into your wisdom, into your strength, into the strong warrior that you are. Because that's exactly what happened to me. And that's why I'm back. I'm back today, and I'm gonna be back every other day, every single day, every week, every month. Why am I back? Why am I choosing to pick up this microphone again? Because I realize my story isn't meant to stay silent. My story is not meant to stay silent. I have been made to think that my voice had no meaning, had no worth. So I stayed silent for so long, never sharing my story because of the fear of judgment and shame. But you know what? Who am I protecting by staying silent? My abusers, the people who hurt me? Do they deserve for me to stay silent for them? Or do I deserve to use my voice to not only share my story, but to inspire, to encourage, to guide other women to know that there is a better life after abuse. There is a life that is so possible after trauma, after heartbreak. Self-worth, self-love, self-respect, self-value, self-confidence, self-acceptance, self-validation. See, everything starts with from within you. Once everything starts from within you, and you create that internal peace, and you stop worrying what the external world thinks of you, sees you, feels of you, that's all irrelevant now. Because you know who you are from within, because you've created that magical internal peace that you are so worthy and deserving of creating and building. So yes, abundance is possible, yes, healing is possible, and not because somebody saved me, because nobody saved me, I saved me because I finally made the decision to choose myself. So if you've been through these difficult seasons of your life, if you've questioned your abilities, your worthiness, what's meant for you, if you've survived things that you should have that should have broken you, I want you to know something. Your story isn't over, you are not defined by your pain, you are not defined by your past, you are not defined by what happened to you. You get to decide who you become because of it.

Self Worth Reminders And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 26:41

So I want to thank you for staying here with me and being so patient as I come back and found my voice again. Because for a while, I'll be honest, I had lost my voice, I had lost my courage. I was living again within my fear and my living beliefs until I started working deeply on my inner child and my inner self once again because for a long time I was working on the superficial parts of myself, but the internal part of myself is what needed the biggest healing. And as I'm sitting here today, I'm still healing every day, and I love the person I'm becoming. So I want to thank you for welcoming me back. This is only the beginning of so much greatness to come. So to all my amazing warriors out there listening to me coming back, if nobody's told you today, just know you are worthy, you are lovable, you are enough exactly as who you are, and you have control of your life, you are the creator of your life. And although you may seem as though there's a dark wall standing in front of you, just know that wall is only temporary. Because as soon as you knock it down and you see that bright light shining back at you, you're gonna know that all the work that you've been doing, all the things that you have been feeding, your mind, your heart, your soul, yourself, it's all been to be the woman who you're seeing in that mirror every morning. So wake up and let her know you're worthy, you are enough, you're lovable, and you're deserving of the best. Alright. Like I said, this is only the beginning and not the end. So stay tuned for more. Thank you. Love you guys. This episode, it's means so much to me. So if this meant something to you, listening to my words, drop me a message. I would love to hear what it meant to you. Because this is not only for me, this is for all the amazing warriors out there thinking you're alone, but you're not. Please subscribe and review, and don't forget to follow so you don't miss out on any of these amazing and empowering episodes. Always remember, you matter. If nobody has told you today, I am here to tell you that you are enough, you are worthy, and you are deserving of the best. Every day that you wake up, I want you to take one moment and just look at yourself in the mirror and know that the person staring back at you is so proud of you and loves you beyond measures. You are a true warrior.