TV Licence Vampires and the Wimpy Body

This week on Smack Talk City, James and Leo set the bar low with participation trophies, argue the structural integrity of custard creams, question whether TV licensing works like vampire law, and somehow end up dealing with a hypothetical dead body in a Wimpy. 

There’s also BBC licence fee chat, clean public toilets, pocket potatoes, Screwfix email rage, Greggs chicken strippers, and the eternal question: is hiding the body even necessary?

That title pulls from the strongest bits: the BBC/TV licence threshold chat and vampire comparison, plus the Wimpy body scenario later in the episode.

#getamongstthemeat

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:21

Good evening, everyone. Pathetic pop, as always. Welcome. Don't put yourself down. Um I just just if I set the low expectation, it's it it it's fine. If I set the bar low and I achieve a big pop, I'll be like, whoa, that was bigger than I expected.

SPEAKER_04 0:44

Yeah, like if you if you had a really sort of vibrant, loud, lovely sounding pop, it might get people too excited for the way the podcast is gonna go if you have a really sad sounding one. Yeah. Set the barlow, everybody gets a medal.

SPEAKER_06 1:04

You can have a participation trophy. Thanks.

SPEAKER_03 1:09

Well done for taking part.

SPEAKER_04 1:14

Come on, you love a trophy.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

I do love a trophy, haven't had one for a long time, but love a trophy. Oh, I'll give you a trophy.

SPEAKER_06 1:22

For what?

SPEAKER_03 1:22

What what would it be for? Participation in my own podcast. Yeah. What's worse than a participation trophy?

SPEAKER_06 1:37

Uh a participation trophy saddle. I I would say a recognition trophy.

SPEAKER_04 1:47

Recognition? No, I don't know. No, because recognition is like saying, well, you know, you've done you done something good, and we want you to know that we saw it.

SPEAKER_03 1:58

We don't usually give out trophies, but we thought we'd get you one because you did something.

SPEAKER_04 2:03

In the army, they used to have a thing called um, like when you go on a course, um, or like anything like that, if anything there was likely to be a top, some sort of recorded top performer. Like when I when I done my promotion course, for instance, there was like a you know top student or uh best at navigation and stuff like that, and then right at the bottom there is one that they called best endeavor. It was for the people that they're just going, we could see you were really trying, and that's all you've got to say about it. Good effort, yeah. It's literally you cannot think of anything good to say apart from we can see you were trying to do something, and we get we decided to give you a trophy for it, yeah. So it was like that would be like uh an insult. Like if you you would call someone best endeavor as a sick burn, basically, you're calling them an idiot.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Oh you I've got to ask, you never got one, I take it. I never got one. Okay, because I was a high achiever. That's alright then. Because I was gonna say, if you did get one, I appreciate this is a long way gone now, you've really missed the opportunity, but you didn't anyway. So this is still quite an irrelevant point I'm gonna make. But you you could alter the text, you just say best ever. That's true. What did you get a trophy award for? Just being the best ever. Best ever what ever. Everything.

SPEAKER_04 3:51

Just yeah, everything. There's best person, yeah. Best soldier, yeah. Best whatever you name it, that's me. That's what I got. Best, best ever. Says it right there. Done. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

Can't be a big thing.

SPEAKER_04 4:05

What were we talking about before we like really quickly sidelined onto trophies?

SPEAKER_03 4:13

Uh we or I made mention that earlier this week I tried a custard cream with chocolate on it.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

Wasn't it was that momentarily was that but just before we started recording though?

SPEAKER_03 4:28

Yeah, but we were gonna come back to it, so we might as well.

SPEAKER_04 4:32

Yeah. Right. Now, okay, James, let me ask you a question. Did I have a custard cream with chocolate on it? Yes, I did. Oh wow, what a coincidence. Tell me about it.

SPEAKER_03 4:49

Well, it was a custard cream and it had been slathered in chocolate.

SPEAKER_04 4:56

Where did well is this was it homemade or was it from a shop? No, no, no, they sell 'em. They sell 'em now. And okay, t to tell me about the chocolate.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

It's shit. It certainly ain't best ever. All it's been used for, effectively, is to go we're just gonna try and cover up the fact that this is a custard cream and it's not actually that good a biscuit. So we're gonna try and improve it somehow by going, we'll put some chocolate on it. I think they did this or did something similar, or they tried a similar um alteration with some of the other biscuits that don't hit our top ten or even top five. No, actually, I said that the wrong way around. Top five or even top ten, because top ten would be worse. Top five, you've got to be some kind of elite biscuit. But they just used to make them bigger. And he just goes, Oh, let's just make a giant custard cream. It's like, well, that that's not making it better, you just made shit. You just made more shit.

SPEAKER_04 6:06

I'm gonna have to disagree with you there. A massive custard cream. Making a custard cream bigger does make it better.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

How? If it's shit to begin with, you're just making more shit.

SPEAKER_04 6:16

Oh, custard cream shit? I think we I think we I think we rate what didn't they do well in the in the biscuit episode all the year ago?

SPEAKER_03 6:26

Going back probably around 18 months ago at least, maybe two years when we had this whole argument around biscuits.

SPEAKER_04 6:34

I think I don't know. Well, maybe my thoughts have changed, but I because I can't remember what we decided, but I kind of like a custard cream.

SPEAKER_03 6:44

I I find them quite overly sweet. Maybe as a kid I liked them, but they are quite a sweet biscuit.

SPEAKER_04 6:52

Custard creams are like the sort of forest gump of the biscuit world. They're you know, no one's expecting much from them, but they will always be there for you, and they'll just always do their job as a biscuit. They're very simple, but they'll just be there biscuiting it up, no matter where you are. Go, you know, looking in the cupboard, need something to dunk in your tea, custard cream. Been to an office meeting that's overran and the whole place smells of stale coffee, but you need a little snack. Look down on the plate next to that big silver tank they put their shitty coffee in. Custard cream. It's just there for you, man. They're like a backup. A backup like a bro. Yeah. Custard cream's the bro that will never leave you.

SPEAKER_03 7:44

What's a lieutenant Dan?

SPEAKER_04 7:49

Lieutenant Dan, that would probably be uh uh Fox's chocolate ring. Not a finger. No, not a finger. Do you know the chocolate the rings? Yeah, they're like I know the ones. Chunky. They're quite unassuming, but you just when you bite into it, you just go, damn, that's a good biscuit.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

And all the other biscuits look at it and salute.

SPEAKER_04 8:16

Yeah, like if you get one of those selection tins and it's been open for a day in the house, and then you go back and look at it, guess guess which biscuits are missing? All the chocolate rings.

SPEAKER_03 8:28

True.

SPEAKER_04 8:29

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 8:30

And Bubba, I guess, would be a Bourbon.

SPEAKER_04 8:36

I know, because Bourbons are just shit and everyone hates him. But everyone loved Bubba. But he was he was he was gr he was a great person, he wasn't a great soldier. Maybe he'd be like um well no, he was an excellent businessman. Bubba Grump Shrimp was like done really well, didn't it? Yeah. Got massive. Yeah, in the end. That with them big old shrimp and boats. Yeah. What would he be? What would that's I think it's a bit too abstract even for me. I'll tell you what it'd be. Go on then. He'd be one of them you get like a I don't know. I was gonna say like a a chocolate hob knob.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

Oh no, but they're they're like solid and Bubba Gump um or Bubba uh he he died, he perished.

SPEAKER_04 9:30

He's not you know, can't he's like a rich tea.

SPEAKER_03 9:34

You dunk him, he's gone little bit of little bit of hot water and he's out of there.

SPEAKER_04 9:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

Pobnobber's gonna hold together for a long time.

SPEAKER_04 9:51

Do you know what? That's a myth. Peter Kay started that.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

I know he did. That's a myth. Well, I think it would win over a rich tea any day of the week.

SPEAKER_04 10:03

I mean that's that that is like the oh hang on a minute. Didn't I did I update you on this? I dunked uh I done this with a rich tea. I actually actually done this experiment. Christ, when was that? Oh, I'm gonna have to go back and find this. The rich tea survived can survive like 31 second dunks until it drops off. Yeah. Hobnob, you're looking at like six to eight. Really? Fall apart. The entire hobnobs, hobnobs have just got this, they're like the Royal Marines. They've got this like mega like PR campaign going on, banging on about how hard they are, and but then they just crumble under pressure.

SPEAKER_03 11:01

We we spoke about the Royal Marines the other week, you know, they're trying to eradicate the fact that they gave Jimmy Savile a green beret. Yeah. Just just forget we did that, lads. Yeah, don't he never he never did the commando course, right? He never did it, but we gave him an honorary green beret. We'd better take that back. We don't we don't want to associate ourselves with him anymore. Yeah, Mr. Right. What have you got for us tonight? Well, we we were talking biscuits, which is always a good start. Um and speak speaking of uh Savile, um, there was this, and I know we spoke about this before as well, but apparently like the BBC have you seen like the BBC have launched some advert and they've like got Romanish Ranganairan in it, like doing this walkthrough. Romanish Ranganaren. I think it's his name.

SPEAKER_06 12:00

Probably gonna tell me it's wrong. No, that's exactly right.

SPEAKER_04 12:06

I I don't think it is, is it? I think it's Romish Ranganathan. I preferred what I said. Can you remember what you said?

SPEAKER_03 12:16

Nope. So uh they've got him walking through like several things, and he's he's talking about how great the BBC is, and apparently it's something like covering things up, yeah. But there's been this is where I was getting to. So this is a result of a lot of people now just opting out of their TV license, and he's going, oh, you know, BBC, BBC's gone, right? We we need to try and g this up again, lads. Uh we we need to, you know, we need to do something so we can keep people paying us because we're struggling here. And so he's done like this advert where he's walking through all the different sets and shows of the the BBC, but uh there's been people who have taken that edit and put in like their own like variants of it on like all the amazing things the BBC's done, slung in Rolf Harris, slung in Jimmy Savile, and they're going, oh you know, yeah, don't don't think we want to be uh part of that anymore. But the thing that's got me, I don't know why they don't just make like BBC iPlayer subscription like they do with the other channels and get people like put it behind a paywall, because then if people want it, they will pay for it rather than just going with the whole TV license thing.

SPEAKER_04 13:45

Yeah, I mean I guess that might be an option. You know, it seems like it's probably going that way, but they remember we talked about this. The um oh bugger, what what was it we talked about?

SPEAKER_03 13:58

Well, you basically so the the argument was that the TV like because we mentioned the TV license vans and stuff like that that never ever come round anywhere. No one has ever seen these TVs. They don't exist, yeah, they don't exist. Yeah. And the fact that you could just stop paying your TV license, and then if Capita knock on the door saying, Oh, no, but she haven't got a TV license, you just go, Yep, and shut the door on them.

SPEAKER_04 14:29

But they but I mean the new the BBC were trying to bring in new rules, weren't they?

SPEAKER_03 14:34

Yeah, I think they were trying to how it gets paid. Were they trying to make it were they trying to make it law or something like that? They were trying to see if they could get it to include various streaming services as well, which was ridiculous.

SPEAKER_04 14:46

Because if if you want to that's right, they were trying to make it so you had to pay a TV license to watch anything.

SPEAKER_03 14:55

Yeah, and it's like well you don't control Netflix and Amazon Prime. What what have you actually got to do with Jeff Bezos and the stuff that they put nothing. So why do you think it gives you the right to go, well, you have a TV, and so now you're gonna have to pay a license, even if you don't watch BBC, because that's where the money goes. But yes, it's it's a really weird concept.

SPEAKER_04 15:28

Yeah, they're I mean they're trying to find a way to stay alive, really, aren't they? Of course they are, yeah. Yeah, so who knows what will happen. I don't know, but it's a shame because they do produce some like brilliant stuff. BBC is like some of the best TV in the world.

SPEAKER_03 15:46

Hmm. I completely agree, but I just don't, it's like they've they've kind of stuck in the dark ages in terms of their licensing model. If people want it, why don't they just go, right? We'll do a subscription service, you can pay for a lower tier with ads, then you can pay for a lower tier without ads. If people want it, they'll pay for it. But this whole notion of you have to have a license for a TV that you've already bought is just yeah, ludicrous.

SPEAKER_04 16:16

To watch something that's got nothing to do with it's not something that's got nothing to do with BBC, but yeah, you have to so like the actual rules are you it has to be live TV or stuff on iPlayer, basically, anything streamed live over the airwaves or iPlayer, regardless of how much they threaten you in the letters that they put through the door, saying like we we remember we talked about it before. I got once got had an argument with someone in like curries or something, because I bought a TV and they like wanted my name and address so they could check if I had a TV license before I bought it. I was like, Are you fucking nuts? Fuck all to do with you. I actually did have a license at the time, but it wasn't it was the principal.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

Yeah, I can imagine you getting really angry with someone in curries like that.

SPEAKER_06 17:23

Why why can you imagine me getting angry? I'm not an angry person, just in your nature.

SPEAKER_03 17:36

No, yeah, probably some like old hog behind the uh desk, and you're going, don't don't want you to have my address, don't you rocking up at my place thinking you come around and watch me what like spend the evening with me and my massive TV? Yeah, you'd have probably stood there and she'd go, No, no, no, no, it's it's for TV licensing per yeah, you keep telling yourself that, you're not getting my address.

SPEAKER_04 18:05

I had to tell you about the argument I had with a woman in Screwfix.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

That's such a partridge thing to side.

SPEAKER_04 18:27

Okay, so what had I got? I can't remember what I'd gone in for. I'd probably just gone in to buy some adhesive and uh some some tank screws and dip screws and uh she went so it's like you go into screw fix and they've got these little screens, and you have to order the thing on the screen and then send it to the till, and then you go to the till to pay for it, and they run off and get it from the warehouse. So I ordered it on the little screen, and then I walked up to the desk and she went, What was the name? And I said, Um, I know she said, What was your email address or something? And I said, Oh, I just put I put the name Leo on the screen where I've ordered it. She said, Yeah, but what's your email address? I said, Why do you need that? She said, Oh, we need it for our system. I said, No, you don't. I'm just I'm just here to buy this thing. She said, Well, you you have to have your email address because otherwise if you buy the thing and there's something goes wrong with it, then you won't be able to return it. I was like, Well, don't I get a receipt? He's like, Well, yeah, I can print your receipt off. And I was like, right, so if if I need to return it, can I bring it back with the receipt? She's like, Well, yeah, but you might lose your receipt. And I was like, Well, that's that'll be my problem. But do I need to give you my email address or not? She's like, Well, I can do it. I was like, Yeah, okay, do it then. She's like, Well, I can do it. I was like, okay, do it then. She's like, she got really shitty with me because I do I didn't want to give her my email address.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

I remember I bet she's still waiting for that email address.

SPEAKER_04 20:08

She's probably crying herself to sleep at night.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

Probably. I remember I had a real uh I was amazed I didn't get like a severe bollocke at work when I used to work at this place. We went to um uh one of our distributors, car park was absolutely rammed, and I went and parked in a neighbouring business, and the neighbouring business said, Yeah, no problem, the car park is empty, no one like there was easily like I would say easily 200 spaces. There's probably about a dozen cars in there, and I said, Am I alright to park here? And they went, Yeah, yeah, no problem. I walked into the reception of the place I was going, and they went, Yeah, you can't park there. And I went, Well, I've just spoken with the business and they said it's fine. And the woman went, Well, yeah, but you need to move your car. I went, but it's their car park. They said it was okay. I've been round your car park six times, there's no spaces. What's the problem? She went, Well, that's you know, you're you're not visiting them, you're visiting us. And I went, Yeah, I know that. But we're talking about a parking space. And I said, Do you actually know which car is mine? And she went, no, well, no. And I said, Okay, so how are you gonna what what's gonna happen if I don't move my car? And she went, I'll have to report it to someone. And what are you gonna put in that report that you've put your car in someone else's car parking space or someone else's car park and then They said it was okay and you're gonna you're not even gonna be able to tell them which car it is. She went, Yeah, but you you need to move it. I went I don't. I said, You're making this whole narrative and story up in your head, and she was getting really angry with me. She just wouldn't give me a straight answer. I was like, Okay, you've got no parking spaces. I found a parking space in a neighbouring business. They said it was okay, but for some reason that I can't seem to get to the bottom of, that makes no logical sense. You're telling me I can't park over there in their car park despite them saying it's alright, and you don't know which car is mine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:46

What happened at the end?

SPEAKER_03 22:48

Uh I this was this was mad. Um, I was asked to apologise to her because I made her feel I made her get worked up and angry. Boo hoo. Yeah, exactly. She probably felt a bit sad, and then they asked if I would move my car, to which I just said no. I said, this is ridiculous. I said, no one I said, has common sense just gone out of the window today? No one seemed to like get it. It's like if you've got a parking space, I'll put it in there.

SPEAKER_04 23:32

It would be different if that company either you hadn't asked them and like if they had some sort of ongoing issue where they knew it was going to cause trouble, and they were like, you know, this this causes us real stress. We know it's we know it's annoying, but please don't do it because it just would then we you know makes us have arguments with our neighbours, or if the if the if you hadn't asked the neighbours and it was just like they were like, Well, you haven't even asked them, how do you know if it's a while or whatever? But if you actually went and said, Do you mind if I park here? And they said, No, it's fine. Yeah. Then that to me is initiative.

SPEAKER_03 24:07

I yeah, exactly. But yet somehow I was in the wrong and I couldn't wrap my head around this. Civvy's oh mate, tell me about it. It's just like, are you are you fucking mental?

SPEAKER_04 24:26

She probably might have been. Might have been.

SPEAKER_03 24:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:32

So what else are we gonna do? Uh so we've done haven't you got some weren't we gonna revisit bodies?

SPEAKER_03 24:40

Uh so well this this was some like mysteries. So um to give some context. To give some context, my wife has been watching like um things like 24 hours in police custody, and then you see how like they break down the case. Um yeah, I've watched that. It's there's some good ones, and like how they they track these people down, and um, I'll tell you the bit I feel sorry for is like where they they do these raids on these people where they believe they they're these criminals are hanging out, they literally chainsaw through the doors and they did this on three separate addresses. Basically, took a chainsaw, cut the door off, ran up the stairs going, police, stay we are, stay up, and then you just hear them come out and go, Yeah, they're not there, and then they just like yeah, or it's the wrong house. Yeah, cut the door off.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

You made a big gaping hole in my door.

SPEAKER_04 25:40

Yeah, sorry about that, mate. Like, what happens if what happens if they're just not guilty? Yeah, that as well. You're gonna pay for a new door.

SPEAKER_03 25:49

It does crack. Yeah, it's pretty traumatic. It is like you they they run up the stairs. I can understand to a degree if they had if they had find the person they are actually seeking and go, right, we're gonna arrest him, bring him in on suspicion of whatever crime it is.

SPEAKER_04 26:06

Yeah, I mean, I yeah, I know. I mean that they've got high, they've got to meet high thresholds of evidence before they can't just go around doing that to everyone, can they? They've got to have some pretty solid evidence on people before they start doing things like that. I'm sure there's lots of checks in place to make sure that doesn't just happen willy-nilly. It'd be interesting to know how often it does go wrong though. Like they Yeah, I wonder if they ever actually um like publish those stats.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

How many doors have we cut off the hinges that uh or cut in half that actually were nothing to do with the people we were looking for?

SPEAKER_04 26:48

Yeah, that'd be quite interesting, wouldn't it? How many times have you used your blue lights just to get back to the station for lunchtime?

SPEAKER_03 26:57

Or you needed a massive poo. Yeah. Right. Oh yeah. That's uh that coffee's gone right through me. Hit the blues and twos.

SPEAKER_04 27:09

Back to the station. Do you think they should go all the way back to the station for a poo? Where else are they gonna go? I don't know. Wimpy's it's an option. It's probably further away, to be honest. There's only about three left in the country, but if you happen to be near one, where are we?

SPEAKER_03 27:32

Where can we go? Actually, I don't know why they both need to go, just one of them. The other one's just hungry.

SPEAKER_04 27:41

We go to Wimpy's if you want, mate. They're like, hang on a minute, you're hungry, and I need a poo. Oh no, the perfect place. They sell burgers and the toilets are clean because there's no customers.

SPEAKER_03 27:53

I tell you what I had the other day that I was actually a massive poo. Well, that's that's a daily occurrence, but I uh I had Greg's like chicken strippers, they were really good. What are chicken strippers? They're like just basically like chicken breast that's wrapped up in a like bread crumb, but really decent quality. I was actually really surprised.

SPEAKER_04 28:19

Oh nice. Is that part of the the sort of menu they have in the hot cabinet that is just sort of ready to go?

SPEAKER_03 28:26

Yeah. Good stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:29

Wasn't overly expensive. Uh Trudles has found a place, I don't actually know where she got it from, but basically you could I think it's like food warehouse or Iceland or something, but basically you can just buy a big box of um Greg sausage rolls, frozen, to cook at home. Nice. Which she was very excited about, yeah. So she's just taking him, she's taking him to work with her. A frozen Greg's sausage roll to cook at work.

SPEAKER_03 29:06

Your kid's coming out gonna have a craven for Greg's. Yeah. Like who does that? Forget it. Give me a sausage roll.

SPEAKER_04 29:17

She got a little bag lunch bag she took to work the other day, and I looked in it. Do you know what was in it? Greg's. A potato.

SPEAKER_03 29:24

A potato, nothing else.

SPEAKER_04 29:27

Like a an you know, a dirt-covered raw potato.

SPEAKER_03 29:31

I hope she did something with that before she ate it.

SPEAKER_04 29:34

She did, yeah, she cooked it up, but it was just she she gave out. She tells me a story about um like going up to like the big office and big office, yeah, like where she doesn't go all the time, you know, going up to head office or whatever. And uh she's standing there, she's cooking a potato in the microwave for like 10 minutes to turn it into a jacket potato. Not as good because it's not going to be crispy as it, but you know, still you can eat it. And a guy came out to her and was like, You you cooking you you just bought a potato for lunch. She's like, Yeah, just cook it in the microwave. He's like, How like how do you do it? And then she explained to him, you just get a potato. I love simple food. This is like this is why I like this so much. She said, You get the potato and you put it in the microwave for 10 minutes, and when you get it out, you've got a cooked potato. And the guy was like, Well, that is brilliant. He's like, Yeah, and then you just put put beans on it. He's like, That's great. Do you could buffer? I thought, yeah, he's probably like that. Probably blew his mind. Blew his mind. That that you could, yeah, and you can carry a potato around with you in the in your pocket, or like any anywhere, anywhere that's big enough for a potato is a space where you can carry a potato.

SPEAKER_03 31:06

That's very true.

SPEAKER_04 31:09

And then, you know, if you've got a microwave handy, you can just whip your potato out. Ten minutes later, you've got a hot potato. Yeah, my friend. Not crispy though. Not crispy. No, but you can also open a tin of tuna pre-drained. I prefer the ones in brine rather than oil, just for the calories, really. Open a tin of tuna, drop it on. You can even get beans in those like small tins now, can't you? Like the smaller single portion tins. Beans and cheese. Drop one of them on. Yeah, you caught yourself you caught yourself a flipping jacket potato.

SPEAKER_03 31:57

People tuning into this are going, this is either revolutionary or are you fucking stupid? You tell us something we've known for a long time.

SPEAKER_04 32:04

But you can carry that if you're wearing combat trousers, you can carry a potato in one pocket, a tin of tuna in another pocket, a small tin of beans in another pocket, and people will go, uh, where's your lunchbox? And you'll be like, I don't need a lunchbox. I've got pockets. I've got a potato. Bosh. You can even have a little fork. I've got like a thing which sort of looks like a Swiss Army knife in a pouch. When you unfold it, there's a knife, fork, and spoon. Is that somewhat does it come apart or is it like an all-in-one? Yeah. It it breaks into two pieces. Right. So, and then the knife and fork are separate. I think the spoon is attached, like when you unfold it, it's like knife at one end and spoon at the other, and then you've got a fork on the other one. I used to carry that, they used to be attached to my belt. Like I carry I carried that around with me for years.

SPEAKER_03 33:12

I remember when you used to ride around with your alien tool multi-tool attached to your belt.

SPEAKER_04 33:19

I was born to be uh basically a royal engineer slash tool nerd. Tool nerd? Yeah. Yeah, I did because I was I was on my bike all day, every day. You never know when you're gonna need tools, my man. I'd get my little alien tool out, fix someone, fix my bike.

SPEAKER_03 33:39

Speaking of bikes, so as I mentioned, the old man turned up on Friday. It's quite good.

SPEAKER_04 33:46

So did you find out if he got his brakes back or not?

SPEAKER_03 33:49

So this came up in conversation, but he um he fixed my tap I say he fixed my tap in my cloakroom, right? He uh cloakroom? He he he the tap in my cloakroom was leaking, so I turned it off, and he went, Oh, that's an easy fix. You you should be able to do that. I'm like, well, I don't know how to do that, but he said, Well, I'll get you a new tap. I was like, Fucking winner winner, chicken dinner, lucky day. He's like, I won't charge you for it. I went, brilliant. No, thanks very much, Dad.

SPEAKER_04 34:28

He's working tap. Yeah. Did he not? You can you know you can take the little you can take the valve out of them. Like most most taps, you can whip the brass valve out, you don't have to replace the whole tap.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

So he can't he rocks up with this tap, and um he went, well, right, he said, uh, I'm gonna I'm gonna go fit fit this tap for you. So I was like, right, okay. So in he goes, and um he's in there for a while, he's like moving around, and he goes, he goes, Yeah. He like calls me, he goes, Can't do it. I was like, What's the problem? He said, Well, that that unit, the draw, the like uh the shelf section don't come out. So I was like, right? And I said, but let's let's think about this logically. This it went in. That's exactly what I said to him. Yeah, and he went, Well, I reckon you need to take that sink off. I went, right. He said, but you've got that bit of tiling at the back. He said, so I don't want to rip that off the wall. And I literally just slid the sink back and I went, right, there you go. Now you can just lift it up. And he went, Oh yeah, I suppose I could actually. Like turns it over, figures out, and he goes, Right, I can get to the to unhooks the old tap, puts a new tap in, and then he he comes back to me and he goes, Right, I've put your new tap on. He went, but I fucked your drawer. I went, What?

SPEAKER_04 36:08

Next time you come down, you can fix that.

SPEAKER_03 36:11

So I went, what do you mean? He went, Well, it was closing nice and slowly, like a soft close. He went, but I can't seem to get it back on. So now the drawer, when it closes, it's got a gap like that. It's kind of leaning forward. I went, fucking hell. I said, Cheers. I was like, brilliant. So I've got a working tap, but now a draw's bug. And he went, Well, that's still sort of close. I went, Well, it wasn't like that before you came round. He said, Well, I had to take it off. And so, anyway, I said to him, I said, how's your I said, you been on your bike lately? He said, uh, nah. I said, why not? He went, just didn't have a haven had time. He went, I've been doing loads. I went, okay. He went, I think I'm gonna get an e-bike this year. I went, all right. I said, okay. And uh I said, I pretty much guarantee if you get an e-bike, you won't ride your other bikes. He went, I will. I said, you won't. I said, uh, how are your how are your brakes? And he went, Yeah, yeah, they're they're good. I said, uh them calipers working out for you. He went, I'm happy, they don't squeak. And I said, have they given you the same brakes or have they downgraded you? He went, they told me they've upgraded me. I went, well you need to send me a picture because I'll tell you straight away if they've upgraded you. And he went, they told me they were knackered. I went, I'll bet they did. Yeah. And I said, I guarantee you, one of the lads in that bike shop has got those calipers and he's riding around with them right now. And he went, I don't care, I'm happy. He went, and I've replaced those brakes and those rotors that don't seem to work. And I went, Did you replace them at the same time? He went I've I've fixed it, it doesn't matter. I went, right, so chances are you might have had a bit of contamination, and the cheapest thing to do would go, right? I'll get some new brake pads if that doesn't work. I'll try and clean the rotors if that doesn't work. Maybe I need some new rotors. Pretty much guarantee you don't need new calipers. He went, doesn't matter, bike is perfect now.

SPEAKER_04 38:30

Well, you don't need, yeah, the only possible component you need to replace if they're squeaking is pads. There's no that I can't think of anything, I can't think of any possible problem that why would you why would you ever need a new rotor for a squeak? What new caliper for a squeak? Oh new caliper, sorry, yeah. Why would you yeah, why would you need a new caliper or rotor or lever or cable or anything? How's replacing the caliper gonna fix a squeak? Don't know. I'd love to just talk to the talk to the people in the shop and go, so what was the actual problem with those brakes? Yeah, why why did you replace the calipers?

SPEAKER_03 39:19

Yeah, please tell me. Were they were they not uh firing properly? Uh and do I take it you put them in the bin if they were knackered then? Uh yeah. So I'm not gonna see those calipers on any of your bikes then. No, no, not at all. Or eBay. Or eBay, yeah. I know. I just said to him, look, next time you've got a problem with your bike, just talk to me before you agree to everything the bike shop tells you. I said it basically like sin you come through the door and go, brilliant, we're quids in here, lads. Who needs some new bike parts? We'll tell him that's wrong this week.

SPEAKER_04 40:06

They've got no scruples, have they? So tell me something. Where do you hide the body?

SPEAKER_03 40:21

Wow. That's a good question. What's the scenario? Um okay.

SPEAKER_04 40:30

You've you've had you've had to go to Wimpy's for an emergency poo. Right. As you pull your trousers down, a large bag of tungsten tip screws falls out onto the floor. Sound like a good poo. As you bend down to pick them up, you hit your head on the sink, and it really hurts. You stand up and say, ow, and try and kick the sink, but the sink's really solidly glued on because wimpies are solid and you can't get rid of them. You fall backwards through the door, which has crumbled because it's just made of chipboard, and you land on an 85-year-old man who's been going to Wimpy since 19 I'm gonna say 73, because he split up with his wife Barbara, and he got half the house, but and she well, I mean, she was a bitch, she ran off with the milkman, and but he had enough money that he could go to Wimpy every weekend for the rest of his life if that's what he wanted to do, and fuck Barbara, he's gonna do it. So he's in there, he's come for his regular Wimpy, you've just crashed through the door, landed straight on him, he's fallen back and whacked his head on a large um fiberglass uh blind dog. Do you know those things? It's like uh dogs for the blind, it's got a slum on its head, yeah. Yeah, where you drop two p in, he smacked himself on there, and he's brown bread. Oh no. What are you gonna do? Uh how busy is Wimpy? Come on, it's a wimpy, no one's been in there since 1991. Right, so the only people in there are that's why the toilets are so clean. That's why you went there. You know the toilets are gonna be clean because no one's been in there.

SPEAKER_03 42:28

It's underutilised, then is what we're saying.

SPEAKER_04 42:31

Oh so I And you know they haven't got CCTV because there's no way they've updated any no wimpies have been updated with modern technology.

SPEAKER_03 42:45

So we just have to get him out, be just like um, I think we just go with the uh weekend at Bernie's approach, like pretend he's he's alright, but he he had like a bit of a fall. I mean, if he's an old man, that's that's perfectly valid. He had a bit of a fall in the uh bathroom or the toilet, I'm not American, and then uh he we just walk him out, put some shades on him, you know, pretend he's he's alright, and uh like oh, oh no mate, you you you know, you're okay, your burger uh burger just went a bit mad today on the burgers, and uh I'm just gonna take you down the uh hospital and uh I'll just put you in the back of the car and he'll be fine. And uh yeah, we'll we'll we'll figure out where to put him somewhere along the way. I reckon we just like um we don't actually need to hide this one because he's old. His life expectancy is like, well, he's probably lived most of his life now. So what we do is we'll find a nice quiet bus stop along route and we'll just like pop him on a bus stop bench, prop him up, and we'll just leave him there and then off we pop. Job done. No one knew any better. He just died of waiting for. The bus you're gonna leave him on a bench. He never bus never came. Never came.

SPEAKER_04 44:05

You stove his head in on a fiberglass dog. I mean he was nearing the end of his life anyway. It wasn't deliberate. Yeah. But that's I mean, you could say that about any where'd you hide the body scenario?

SPEAKER_03 44:21

Well, no.

SPEAKER_04 44:22

If I was it to you where are you gonna hide the body? And you said I'll take it out and put it on a bench.

SPEAKER_03 44:28

But in this case, it but it was an accidental death. It wasn't it wasn't I I didn't it wasn't premeditated. I didn't lose my shit. What does you killed him? Yeah, I know you've got to hide the body. Well, I've I've no, I've just absolved myself of the crime.

SPEAKER_04 44:47

Uh so what you're saying is when I say where are you gonna hide the body, what really what you're saying is, do you have to hide the body?

SPEAKER_03 44:56

Yeah, because in this case he was an old man, he was probably like on the back end of his life, he'd had all the wimpy he wanted up to that point, and then go, right, actually, we'll just we'll we'll put some we'll walk you out, leave you, leave you on a on a bus stop bench somewhere, and no one's gonna no one's gonna realise.

SPEAKER_04 45:18

Okay, I've got another question.

SPEAKER_03 45:20

Go on him.

SPEAKER_04 45:22

Dude's been eating wimpy since 1973. Yeah. But he's not he's not a small guy. Oh, so he's a big guy. Probably, yeah. I know he's old. What do I say? He's in his eighties.

SPEAKER_03 45:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 45:35

But like I reckon he's still pretty fat.

SPEAKER_03 45:39

You reckon?

SPEAKER_04 45:39

Yeah, that's why he couldn't hold himself up or get out of the way quick enough when you fell through the door. So what are you gonna do if he's like a big fat guy?

SPEAKER_03 45:50

It's a different challenge. Um I'll have to see if Wimpy have got any like wheelchairs we could use to just like scoop him up, but I still reckon we go with the approach of we we pretend he's alive for the purposes of just getting him out of the uh out of Wimpy.

SPEAKER_04 46:11

But yeah, you gotta get him out alive.

SPEAKER_03 46:13

Yeah, so it's yeah, he he had a bit of a tumble. Um and I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna take him get him checked out, but yeah, just drop him off along the way. Or with rock rock up at the hospital, he died en route, you know. Wasn't wasn't murder. I uh I picked up all the tungsten screws and um he caved his head in. Yeah, but old people fall over all the time.

SPEAKER_04 46:44

Yeah. It's gonna be weird if you were pretending he was alive when you took him out of Wimpy, but then when you got to hospital, they're like, oh no, he's dead, and they'll go, Well, yeah, of course he's dead. His fucking brain's falling out. No, he just go, oh shit, and then run off. I'll get I'll go and get it. Do I need to put it in a glass of milk until you can reattach it? Here's my email address, see you later.

SPEAKER_03 47:20

I bet he was uh I'll bet he we worked for TV licensing, so that's okay. Probably, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:28

Yeah, he's go, oh no, Bernie. Shall I take you to the hospital in your TV in your TV detector van? He's like, I Oh, we died en route because we've been looking for it for fucking ages, because it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_03 47:44

Never ever seen a TV licensing van ever.

SPEAKER_04 47:48

What about um what were you saying about the what was it 24 hours? 24 hours in police custody.

SPEAKER_03 48:00

Yeah, right. So here we go. Here's one for you. Right, so you you get one of these like TV licensing guys knock on the door, right? Yeah. And he goes, and he goes, uh, can I come in to check that you don't have live TV going? And you go, uh, I don't think so, mate. But what happens is he puts his head in to check, he puts his head over the threshold, and in just as I'm trying to shut the door, yeah, and um I'll know he he like he's crossed the threshold, but you've smacked the door across his head. It's like solid front door, and you realize you can't quite get the door shut, go to open it to see what caused the obstruction, you prevent him from shut, and and he just goes plop on the floor, and he's he's twitching, so you go, This is not good, what do I do? And I haven't got a TV license, and technically now he's made his way into my house.

SPEAKER_04 49:10

Yeah, well, firstly, he owes me for that cleanup.

SPEAKER_03 49:17

Yep. I don't but he's he's he's he's browners, dude. He I don't think he's gonna he don't anyone he owes, he's not worrying about anything.

SPEAKER_04 49:26

Hang on, is this this is just this is like the same scenario I've just given you. No, we're talking about you like uh accidentally you've accidentally killed someone and crushed their head in. Now what are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_03 49:38

Basically this guy is um, you know, he's BBC know where he is, he's on the job trying to find out who he's on the job trying to find out who's got a license, who hasn't. Um this old guy that I killed, he was in Wimpy just enjoying his like um getting his uh with his gold wimpy card because he's there so often.

SPEAKER_04 50:04

Okay, is this an actual unsolved crime on 24 hours in police custody?

SPEAKER_03 50:12

That would be amazing if it was. Dude dies in Wimpy or the TV license guy dies.

SPEAKER_04 50:20

How like the with this TV guy when the police turned up, yeah, did was his body had his body been moved or was it still in the door?

SPEAKER_03 50:31

But what happened is is you shut it, he's like he's he's had such a blow to the head, and he's basically fallen in through the threshold of your door.

SPEAKER_04 50:40

So it's not it's not an actual unsolved crime off the TV?

SPEAKER_03 50:44

No, it's not it's not unsolved. You've got to figure out how you're gonna like um resolve the situation, and there's also the argument that you've I don't want to say you've let the guy in, but he's now gone past the threshold of the property he's technically in. So does that now mean that others can follow, you know, pick up from where he left off? What like vampires? Well, kind of, yeah. I suppose they are like vampires, aren't they? You have to invite if you have to invite them before they can cross the threshold.

SPEAKER_04 51:17

Never thought of that before they can absolutely fucking ruin your life. They're staying just stand at the door going, can I come in? No. Uh you're like, uh, no. Who thought of that? Right? With vampires, they're like, they must be absolutely fucking kicking themselves. They're immortal, they've got all these superpowers, and they're like, they're like, Yeah, dudes, this is gonna be awesome. And they go to their first person, they're like, right, let's eat these people. I am so thirsty for some human blood. And then someone goes, Oh, yeah, but you can't go in unless you're invited. They're like, What? You can't go in unless you're invited. What the what are you talking about? You can only how how do I how how else do I say it? You can only go in if they invite you. You're like, Well, how am I supposed to eat some human blood? How I've got superpowers, I can fly, I can turn into a bat, I'm gonna live forever. You're telling me I can't go into a house unless they invite me, like, yeah. Oh fuck. Right, and I can only go out at night, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:25

Blade really was a bit over, it was a bit, you know, it was a bit much, really, wasn't it? Because he could have just said, uh, you can't come in.

SPEAKER_04 52:34

I mean, uh no, it's different with Blade because he was uh um daywalker.

SPEAKER_03 52:40

He was a daywalker.

SPEAKER_04 52:41

No, but I mean like Blade half vampire.

SPEAKER_03 52:44

Blade could have just said to the other vampires who he was going after, can't come in, mate.

SPEAKER_04 52:51

Oh yeah. I wonder if they covered that in the film because they had a lot of security to try and stop those vampires coming in. Don't think they did. Like they they had cameras, they had lasers, they had like ultrasonic detectors. The one thing they didn't do is take down the sign off the front door that said vampires, please come in.

SPEAKER_03 53:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 53:16

I was like, uh, did anyone take the sign down? No, ah, for fuck's sake. Have we actually got any unsolved mysteries to solve?

SPEAKER_03 53:33

Right. Uh let's let's have a look. Now we uh we touched on this, and I think because it was recent for you, we'll we'll cover it again. Recent for me. The Rendelsham Forest incident.

SPEAKER_04 53:50

Wow, this is a massive tangent. Yeah, we did talk about that at the start, didn't we?

SPEAKER_03 53:56

Over several nights in December 1980, American military personnel stationed at RAF Woodbridge reported strange lights and apparent object in Rendelsham Forest. Unlike most UFO stories, there was an official memorandum and contemporary audio recording. The Ministry of Defence concluded that it was posted no threat to national security, but there has never been universal agreement about what the witnesses encountered. Talking angles, alien craft, lighthouse confusion, stars, military equipment, several unrelated events gradually merged into one story. This is saying it's the equivalent of Britain's Roswell, but I think I don't really think it is.

SPEAKER_04 55:09

Yeah, I mean it's not really the equivalent of Britain's Roswell, because Roswell was a genuine, it was almost a a sort of international incident with very, very secret spy equipment. But the in Rendlesham, it's kind of I've I've if I'd have known, if I'd have planned, I should say, we were gonna do this, we could actually find this audio. We don't plan this because it really seems like we do, but so this audio is available. You can f you can go ahead and find it on YouTube quite easily. But the f my favorite version of it is the version by uh there's a podcast called Skeptoid, and uh they've put two audio tracks together to kind of make the point. So this is like a bunch of was it was I don't think they were airmen, I think they were some they were some sort of military guys, and it was back in the old days, and they were running around the forest and probably getting excited, and they saw some strange lights in the sky, and they tried to chase the lights, and the lights were moving around and they couldn't get to him, and they got so freaked out they called it in to their like office or officer on duty or whoever it was, and they were like, We're seeing something, it's scary, flashing lights in the sky. Oh my god, it's so scary! Oh, what could it possibly be? And they're like, Well, it can't be a plane, and they're like, Oh no, we're looking right at it. Oh, there it is, there it is. And uh that went on for ages, and then turned out to be like it was nothing, they couldn't find anything, it sort of got logged, it got a bit out of control, with you know, because people were saying, Well, there wasn't there was nothing there, mate. There was no no one else saw if there was an aircraft, I'm sure in this very sleepy village someone else would have noticed, but apparently it was just you guys in the forest. They were like, No, it was definitely an aircraft, and it went on. So, in order to save face, because everyone was like, mate, there was nothing there, they were like, they landed on must-be aliens, because that was the popular explanation for anything at the time, anything in the sky that you don't know or understand, because you know this is the the birth of secret aircraft or whatever, and people like Roswell, you say Roswell, you know, aliens were very much in the public consciousness, so they went with that and they absolutely doubled down, and their story got more involved and more elaborate the more times they told it, but the audio of the calls that they made at the time was um obviously recorded, so as their story became more and more elaborate, the audio which was taken at the time remained the same, so their stories started to move away from the reality of what happened. So, interesting thing about Rendlesham is that there are, I think there's actually two, depending on where you are in Rendlesham Forest, I think there's two, but from where they were, there is a lighthouse that you don't think's visible because you're quite a long way away from the coast, but lighthouses are high and the area is flat. So they were in the forest, and the flashing light that they reported was more than likely a lighthouse. Now you can say that and go, oh yeah, of course. Oh what a what a convenient explanation, it's probably aliens, but no, because I like that.

SPEAKER_03 59:34

There's a lighthouse that we know can be seen, yeah, but aliens. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 59:43

So how can we how can we decide between these two? One of these things is highly unlikely, and one of them is more likely. Well, what people most people don't know is that lighthouses have their own time signature, so which is deliberate and recorded and publicly available knowledge, so that if you're out at sea and you've absolutely lost your bearings and you see a flash in light, which is what lighthouses are for, not only you can time the flash, and then that will tell you what lighthouse it is, which tells you where you are. That that's the point of lighthouses. So, because we've got this audio of these idiots running around the forest going, oh my god, oh my god, there it is, and they'll go, It's gone. Oh my god, oh my god, there it is. Or like the brilliant audio from Skeptoid, um basically has the takes the the timing of the lighthouse in an in an audible beep, so it beeps at the exact interval that the lighthouse does, going beep, beep, beep, whatever it is, and they've overlaid that with the audio of the people making the sight in in real time, whilst they're making they're recording themselves whilst they're having this thing, and they're going, there it is, beep, it goes beep, there it is, beep, there it is, and and they just time it perfectly with the lighthouse, which is the lighthouse which is nearest to where they are. Case solved, yeah. So were they seeing uh were they seeing a UFO or were they just seeing a lighthouse through the trees that they didn't know was there?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:42

Probably. I would say probably high probability the lighthouse. So interesting embarrassing. Yeah, interestingly enough, I've been watching um I think I mentioned it before, Ralph Little and Will Meller going around doing different stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:01

One of the things they did was You mentioned it on the last podcast, but you haven't uploaded it.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:07

I know that's how good we so no one's heard it. Well, this is one of the things I saw them do this week was they went and spent the night in the most haunted hotel in the UK. How can you tell? Because they're all zero haunted. Exactly. So this was the hotel owner saying, uh, yeah, this is so he took them down into the basement, which was like they said, Oh, it smells really like damp and like uh dingy down here, and then they did like a bit of a seance, but of course, when they did the seance, they turned the light out. And I'm going, why why do they always turn the light out on these things? It's like ghosts won't rock, won't come out unless you turn the lights off. And they're like funny that in it. And they're looking around, going, Oh, I can definitely see a shadow, I definitely heard something. And the bloke, the bloke actually looks like a bit like Derek Accora, who like owns this place. Wouldn't you see shadows easier if the light was on? Well, this is this is the other thing. But Ralph Little is just like, this is bullshit, and Will Miller is going, This is fucking freaky as shit. You know, I believe he's apparently he's got like a really I think he described it as like a hypersensitive brain or whatever, like over over imagining things. And they spent the night and he just went every little creak and sound he heard, he was just like crisis spark. But of course, it's all it's all like the owner laying on thick and he going, Do you and Will Miller's saying to him, Do you do you sleep here? And he's going, No way, mate, I'm not sleeping here. Yeah, the reason the reason you're not sleeping there is because there's a shithole.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:06

The reason he's not sleeping there is because he's raking it in and he's got a fucking lovely house. I'm not staying in this shithole with you losers. I've got a fucking mansion because you're paying so much to be in.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:21

He was telling stories, he was like going, uh yeah, there's the black-eyed children. And it's like, what's what's that?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:28

And he's like, Well grew up to be the black-eyed peas.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:34

And he was going, uh, yeah, they're basically children. He's like, Yeah. He goes, and they've got black eyes, like right if they get close enough to you, you can hear him saying, What are you gonna do with all that junk?

SPEAKER_05 1:04:50

All that junk inside your trunk.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:54

But apparently, and this is as bad as it got, he's like going, uh, what do these black-eyed kids do? He's like, Well, you he said it's not unknown that they're like they hang around in the doorways, and when they see you, they just run into the room and I'm going I'm going and he's going and and that's it. It's like right, okay. Has anyone actually died like through staying here? No, no one's died, right? Okay. But loads of people have seen ghosts and had experiences and and things, and Will Meller, you can just see him like getting more and more like hyped up about the whole thing, and Ralph Little's just going, whatever, mate.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:43

Is it like do you think now, in the age we live in, people that believe in ghosts, like in the old you go back into the Victorian times, bate which is basically when ghosts were invented, as we understand it. It was new, people didn't, you know, it's brand new, people didn't know, and they go, Oh, do you know there's this new thing? There's this new technology where you can c connect to spirits, and people go, Fucking hell, really? Oh, technology these days. Like you can't fault them for that, really, to a certain extent. Whereas now, we've had, you know, we've had a hundred years of constantly people trying to, you know, look for proof, and there never is any. There's never been a shred of proof anywhere, and everyone who understands, like, everyone who likes ghosts is desperate to prove it, and no one can. And now we live in an age where everyone's got a fucking like I watched it, I I've been watching um Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares from the early 2000s, and the camera that they used to film that was absolutely fucking bollocks. It was like literally an iPhone is ten times better than TV technology from the 2000s. So when you're walking around with effectively a TV studio, like an entire BBC film crew in your pocket, and still no one can just fucking film a ghost. And you just think people who believe in ghosts must be getting thicker and thicker and just like you've got to be just get thicker and thicker to not understand that they don't exist.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:44

Don't get me wrong, I like Halloween. Oh I love Halloween, that's my favourite holiday.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:51

Doesn't mean you have I believe in ghosts. Yeah, I've never seen one on Halloween, it's never happened.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:57

No.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:57

I remember as a kid laying awake, absolutely shitting myself because I'd been told that midnight was the witching hour, and that at midnight that's when the ghosts and spirits rise from the ground to haunt the living. And I remember laying awake at midnight as a fucking seven or eight year old, like practically in tears, scared to death in my bed, because I thought I was like looking at the clock, thinking shit, now it's midnight. Now I'm surrounded by ghosts just laying in my bed waiting for ghosts to fucking turn up.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:36

That was the other thing they they did. They went to visit these witches, modern day witches, who apparently like heal people, and it was just like them, they all wear like these long robes and stuff, and so Will Mella is like laying on the ground, and she's got like these crystals she's dangling over the top of him, going, Oh, your chakras are quite uh they're quite tense around your chest and throat area. We're just gonna relax some of those for you. We're gonna cleanse your soul. Take your t-shirt off. And and I'm like watching it going, the fuck are they on about?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:15

What were they on about? If you're healing people, why don't you work in a hospital? Exactly. Do you know how much money you could save the NHS?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:25

Just you know, if you're waving crystals and moving stuff around and got your little gong and and that fixes people, then since when do witches have a gong?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:39

They well these ones did, they were just collecting bollocks from all over the place, weren't they? A fucking gong. Witches don't have gongs. Oh, these ones did stay in your lane, witches. You you've got like magic spells made out of like rats and frogs and birds' beaks, and you've got a cauldron and hats. You can't have fucking gongs and chakras and auras, because that is just fundamentally a different type of bullshit that you are not entitled to just start using. Like, I'll go, oh, that bullshit looks good. Yeah, fuck it hell. I think I'll do that. It's pretty much what they were doing. That's like a dentist going, he's a yeah, I'm a dentist, you know. I fix teeth. This is the thing that I do. I've got my little technologies and drills, and I do injections and I numb it up and then I put fillings in. But I tell you what, chemotherapy looks fucking good. People are people are making some decent money out of doing cancer with chemotherapy. I think I'll start doing that. He goes, Yeah, I'm a dentist, but I use chemotherapy now. I've just got to chemo your whole head. There you go.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:53

Chemo your head.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:54

Yeah, get some chemo in there, like irradiate your brain. That'll sort it out. But you can't just pick a different fucking thing and then just start doing it, like it has the same effect.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:09

I've sent those witches your email, they'll be in touch. Yeah, sort your fucking life out. You get so mad.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:28

Stand your fucking lane. Right. We're just trying to broaden our horizons a bit. We we don't we don't really fly around on broomsticks anymore.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:40

Did you ever witches? They've got they've got and they've all got electric cars, mate.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:47

Fuck 'em.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:48

They put the they put the broomsticks and the cats in the back.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:53

Do you think cats like going in cars?

SPEAKER_03 1:11:57

No, I can't think they do. Why would a cat need to go into a car unless it's going to the vets?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:04

Yeah, it's a good point. Don't right, okay. We should probably put a warn, a warner at the start of this episode. Cats, do not listen to this episode. Because basically, if someone puts you in a car, you're gonna get put down. Or you're going to the vet. Yeah. To get put down. When if someone walks towards you with a box, just run away, cats.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:32

That's the box of death.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:35

I don't think cats will like Well Have a little yawn. I will. You never know. I mean, I don't people might turn this on and the cats might be listening, who knows?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:47

I'd be surprised even if cats listen. That's that's pretty low bar, isn't it? Maybe someone just leaves us, maybe we should actually promote this as George, you know what we could do? Start a podcast which is just like you know educational happy music for cats, and then we'll advertise it as you know, leave this on when you go to work. And for the first hour or so, we'll make it actually cat related. So it seems like cat stuff. Assuming that people are late leaving the house for work, but then once we know they've left the house for work, we can start like talking to the cat. Getting it to do stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:40

This podcast is getting weirder and weirder.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:44

Yeah, because the cat's stuck in we know we're talking to a cat now. The cat's stuck in the house, the owners are out. Yeah, we can start teaching it how to hold things even though it hasn't got opposable thumbs. Like, you know, get more food by sitting next to the snack cupboard, or if your owner makes you angry, try picking up a knife with both your front paws at once.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:13

Wasn't there a crab that did that? Crab got a knife, like someone armed the crab armed the crab with a knife in his claw and it just ran off with it. Yeah, it looked quite menacing.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:28

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:29

I think it's quite a a sort of that's probably like the world's I've got the image of a crab like legging it down the road with a knife. They just run sideways, can't actually see where they're going.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:41

This is fast food, isn't it? Because the crab runs towards you with a knife, you could put a fork in its other claw, yeah, and then you it make it run towards people. You could sell them on the beach for like five bucks, and then the crab runs up to you with a knife and fork in each claw, and when you when it gets to you, you just take the knife and fork, stamp on it, and then just eat the crab meat.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:05

Or you could train the crabs to go after vegans and go, you eat him, or he's eating you.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:11

Yeah, what like corner him in alleyways and goes you or me? Yeah, one of us is gonna die tonight, he says with his tiny crab mouth.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:25

Yeah, I'm gonna fucking shank you with my but you can only attack me from the side, yeah. So what?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:33

Yeah, that's where the knife is, motherfucker.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:36

Yeah, still gonna have a go, in I I've got knives.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:39

Yeah, that's why crabs are so hard. That's why if you do martial arts, you sort of stand sideways.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:46

You crab, you're just crabbing it. Just crabbing it. Yeah. You're like a mantis. No, mantis shrimps, they don't crab, do they? They walk backwards and forwards.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:54

It's uh is it a shrimp that's got like um uh sounds dark.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:01

It's the mantis shrimp. It can punch so hard it actually cavitates the water. That's right, it's like it's got its own built-in shotgun. It's ultra like it's got like an ultrasonic punch.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:13

Brilliant.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:14

And you you can't have them in fish tanks because it can just punch the glass and escape. That's true. Nick your nicky knives and forks and be off. It's it's the fastest, it's got the fastest moving I say the fastest punch, but nothing else punches, really, but it's got the fastest moving thing of anything alive.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:37

Have you seen like um that like a moray eel? That's got like two sets of like teeth, and one comes from the back of its throat to like the first set of teeth hold its prey, and then the second one comes like from the back of its throat and basically pulls its pulls off.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:53

Have have you not seen have you not seen the moray eel memes?

SPEAKER_03 1:16:58

No, no.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:01

You've got oh, just it'll be like because you know it goes, it's in the yeah, no, you just look, I don't want to ruin it for you. But it's in the tune like there's loads in the in the there's like a song that goes, that's a more but yeah, go and look, you'll love that.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:21

Righto, folks. We've definitely been around the bazaars tonight. So if uh if you see a crab with a knife and fork running towards you, just be prepared to eat it. He's either coming to you because he's had enough and he wants you to snack out on him, but if you don't, you're basically gonna be his food.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:41

Yeah, it's like meals on wheels, but the environmental version, because there's no pollution, just meals on legs. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:48

Exactly. Until next time, my friends.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:51

Thanks for getting to the end of SmackDown City.