Episode 157 | Aging Boldly and Building Community - Cathy Sommerville

If you're tired of chasing everyone else’s definition of success, Cathy’s story will resonate. 

In this episode, we talk about what it really means to reinvent yourself—especially after 50. Cathy opens up about the pressure to “get it right,” the shift from helper to leader, and the power of being unapologetically yourself. We also dive into how she built SWAG into a vibrant community for women ready to lead on their own terms. 

We talk about:

• How to redefine ambition at any age
• Why being “a good girl” and being effective are not the same
• The difference between helpful and heroic (and why you don’t have to rescue everyone)
• What authenticity really means—and how it frees you
• Building community with purpose and ease

About Cathy Sommerville:

Cathy is a real estate leader, TEDx speaker, and the founder of SWAG (Smart Women Aging Gracefully). But titles don’t tell the whole story. Cathy brings a depth of wisdom that comes from navigating life’s unexpected turns—with grace, grit, and a good sense of humor. 

Cathy Sommerville-Scharetg is a seasoned real estate professional with 28 years of success in sales and leadership. Cathy currently serves as Managing Broker for Coldwell Banker in Palo Alto, Menlo Park, and Portola Valley. She's the founder of SWAG (Smart Women Aging Gracefully) and also a TEDx speaker who’s passionate about helping women find their voice, their stride, and their purpose—at every stage of life. A proud mom and grandma, Cathy brings wisdom, heart, and a strong message about aging gracefully and living authentically.

Reach Cathy:

Website

LinkedIn

Facebook

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Transcript

I am excited to welcome my guest today, Cathy Somerville. Cathy is a seasoned real estate professional with 28 years of success in sales and leadership. Cathy currently serves as managing broker for Coldwell Banker in Palo Alto, Menlo Park, and Portola Valley. She's also a TEDx speaker who is passionate about helping women find their voice, hit their stride, and find their purpose at every stage of life.

A proud mom and grandma. Cathy brings wisdom, heart and a strong message about aging gracefully and living authentically. Cathy, welcome to the podcast. Oh, thank you, Kate. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you. It's been a delight to get to know you. I have to give Patricia Fripp a shout out. She's sent me some other awesome guests besides you and, and I really appreciate her support.

As you said before, we recorded, she's just got a heart of gold, so she loves to help people and it sounds like that's one of your missions as well. So I would like to hear about your journey through real estate and then how it's morphing into your next chapter. We're gonna have to talk about swag, and if you don't know what that means, you've gotta stay tuned for that.

So Cathy, why don't you fill us in on your story? Well, you know, it's interesting and thank you. You put it so nicely. My journey through real estate was one of the first inklings that I had of that looks fun. That could be interesting. We had just bought our house two years before and. Not that my real estate agent made it look easy, but she certainly, you could see the enthusiasm that needed to be in play in order to be successful.

It was like the energy between the actions. And so when, and I'd owned restaurants and I, my background was in the hospitality industry, so when I followed the breadcrumbs towards real estate, my first thought was, you'll never pass the test, right? Because I was one of those children full of wonder that later di diagnosed generations later were called A DHD.

So I, I had a hard time focusing on one thing. And the idea of having to pass a state sanctioned task was like a, a mountain too big to climb, but I did it. And so my first big win took me into real estate. When I I had three children under the age of four. They were what I, I follow, I followed into real estate because, you know, you think freedom and money, right?

It's like those are the big gold balls, right? Oh, you'll your own schedule. You can do what you want and you can make as much money as you wanted. So I go into this and I realize I had 90 days. To do this or get out because I couldn't play at it. I needed to at least qualify. My first financial goal was to make as much money as I was paying the nanny to be absent 25 hours a week.

And to do it in free, that's expensive. Right. That's a lot. Even back then it was a lot. You were back then it was like, I need to pay her and myself the same amount of money. Otherwise, it, it didn't make any sense. Right. And then we had owned a, we were, we had owned a restaurant at the time, and if not, I had to go back to work at the restaurant.

So, I make enough to stay in the game. After 18 months, I get a, an, an award certification. And if you've been in real estate or know anybody in real estate, we love our little trinkets and our titles. Right. We, we love the word top producer. So I get an award 18 months into it that says I'm in the top 10% in the country.

And I thought to myself, what are the other 90% doing? I have three kids. I had two suits and only one fit. Right. I had to rearrange how the suits were being worn out. I would do anything to, to not only stay in the game, but to make a difference in the lives of the people I was touching when I was doing it.

'cause you could just see the, the gratification. Yeah. And I was using my gifts. I was using my gifts. I was out and about, running around thinking, you know, I have a eclectic way of thinking. So I was able to pull all of the necessary details into form at a certain time. And anyway, so upon that thought I thought I need to help other people.

That was my first thought. It was bizarre. I went directly into a management process. Of wanting to teach what I had learned. And then I saw that the more that I taught, the more that I learned. And then the more that I was in that cycle, you would see other people who were further along the road from you and you'd say, how can I, what are you doing?

And then I joined with like-minded people. And so they, the evolution began that way into for a while there, if you I really believe that if you were into business development, it was only natural that you'd develop as a human. There was a natural in real estate because it's so relationship driven.

There's a natural affinity between growing as a person and growing your business. And so, yeah. So that's how it all started. That was a, that was the start of it all. I can't, it's hard to think of a bigger purchase, a more important and impactful. Purchase than buying a home. Other than having your kids, which you don't pay for normally, but you know, any other purchase pales in comparison.

So if you wanna help people and you really wanna relate to people and help them get what they want, I talk a lot about the fact that, and I'm sure you agree with this, I'm just gonna assume that people don't even always know what they want. So you have to help them discover not just what they think you want, but what they want, but really what's going to make them the happiest.

So being a real people person, wanting to help people, wanting to connect like that, that has to be a huge advantage on your part. Yeah. And something probably you'd think maybe everyone thinks like that, but obviously not. If you're a top 10%, producer, then that means 90% of the people are probably not doing what you're doing.

But it's an interesting self discovery process, right? Because there was a consciousness to me that I felt that something had to give if something else was gonna grow, right? So I, there was a tension that was a part of my business practice that didn't bode well in my personal life because I started becoming either this or that, either this or that.

There was a moment in time, and it was probably through one of my trainings where I started engaging the both and principle, right? It could be both. And, and, and it the way that it showed up metaphorically was, well, not metaphorically, but the story was I was dropping off my kids at daycare and I had three different locations to drop them off of as they got older.

One was at, at kindergarten, one was at pre-K and one was at a preschool. So there was, and they were all within two miles. But as along. Like busy as a bee, thinking that somehow in my sweats with probably baby goop on my shoulders, hair pulled back, no makeup on. People would talk to me because I'm naturally conversational.

But they'd tell me about their transactions of real estate that they were doing with other people, and they would ask my opinion of the relationships that they had formed with other people. So I started thinking to myself, why not me? And then it hit me that, well, one, I wasn't representing myself as somebody who was good at what she did to my inner circle.

I was to random strangers who found me at open houses, but to my inner circle and two, I was either thinking, working or mom and I never became flu. I, it took me a while to become fluid at who I was. That was my first bout of authenticity to, to be not so transparent because insecurity left me still a little guarded about what I would share with the world, but a little less compartmentalized.

You know, you hear so many teachings about how everything needs to be compartmentalized in order you to be functional, functional at the cost of peace, right? I, I, it was like drill sergeant may have looked good out there, and this was long before Facebook and Instagram, but it was not easy on my young children.

So I needed to learn how to blend and I needed to learn how to be how, because I think that's the biggest gift of authenticity is you're not always on the edge of pretending to be somebody else. Authenticity is such a buzzword. And we just talked before the program, you know, our latest book I co-wrote with my husband, Steve Miller, UNC Copyable You, is about developing a personal brand.

And it's not something that you just make up, it's something that you call on. All those experiences you're talking about your goals, who you really are, and don't try to pretend to be someone out there. Mm-hmm. And so you're, you're able to be who you are and use that to really stand apart. And it's an evolutionary process.

It doesn't have to take decades, but it is kind of, I love it. The great reveal of yourself to yourself. Oh, now did you point that? That's, I love that. The great reveal it. Yeah. I guess I just said that. Yeah. So it's kind of the great reveal. Of who I am when I'm not pretending to be something else.

And being a baby boomer, so much of who I am needed to be protected and shielded from the world. Like I needed to, like be seen and not heard. Don't bring too much attention to yourself. Who do you think you are? If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask. And all the other nonsense that was feted fed to us, not to make us small.

I think, I really think from my mother who did the best she could with what she had, and born in the thirties, I think she was just hell bent on keeping me safe. And that's one of, one of the things our mom said is don't talk to strangers, which as any kind of sales person or business person or networking, then we have to fight against that.

As far as as those expectations of you say seen and not heard. I remember my mom telling me this story about when I was being potty trained, so this had to be 62 years old ago or something like that. And when I go to the bathroom successfully in the toilet, she'd point and say, good girl. Good girl.

Until one day I said, mom, I have to go. Good girl. So, so I thought she's explaining what's in the toilet and she's trying to say, good girl. But even that good girl, we've been taught to do that as boomers especially. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, part of this. Is, indoctrinated into us as we grow. So we kinda have to fight a fight out of this.

And so when you talk about swag, this group that you're forming or you have formed, I wanna hear more about that. It's about being our bold selves and authentic. Yes. And your heart is in the right place if you wanna help people. That is number one because people can smell that a mile away.

And I think it's interesting 'cause coming out of the, out of the battleground too, right? I mean, the thing that I love the most in 'cause I was born in 58, so I'm 67, so. I remember I hear people talk about, oh my God, I'm turning 55. It's like, you're a pup. I know you're a pup. You know what old the definition of old is 10 years older than you are right now.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then, so if you're listening, you're going, oh my God, 55 65. Just wait. I know it's so, and I think what happens is you be, I became less and less involved with why I'm like this and more do I wanna carry it forward? The. Do I want the things that were giving me to stay safe, the things that were told me to be wise, what?

What people defined as wisdom was the best at the time. And now I realize that the authenticity. So I was, I would say literal, maybe, maybe not, but let's say from 40 to 55, I was a really good person, right? I had my kids, I was going to church, I was teaching Sunday school, I was working hard, I was doing my best.

My house was a mess. But everything else on the outside, I was doing all the things, hitting all the buttons. And I felt like inside of me there was this battle going on of good girl and productive woman, right? And what does a good girl and a productive woman need to do to be, noticed, right? That's the lowest fruit on the bar is being noticed.

Impact is something I couldn't even think about, but just, you know, getting noticed getting attention, doing what I needed to do. And when I let go of the rope, the tug of war, rope of my own life, of trying to be a good girl who's highly productive I started showing up with an idea that I may not know exactly what to do next, but I can't do this right.

I can't, I can't do this. There was one moment a year, probably a year after my divorce, and I had initiated it, and it was, it was interesting time. I hate when people say that it was the worst time in my life. It was just a hard time, very hard. But the, the thing that felt so hard was I was no longer tethered to my old behaviors.

I felt like I, I really felt like I was on an iceberg. Drifting from one big patch of land that I had known, well, just off to something I wasn't gonna, I wasn't sure what's gonna happen next. The great unknown. The great unknown. I knew who I was and I knew that I stood, stood strong and I stood up in the middle of it.

But I was no longer connected to a an informed future based on everything I'd done in the past. 'cause that had just, I just, that had just gone. So I had to start taking stock on who I was. Who are you? My first question was to myself, what do you love? What do you love? And I, I, the penny dropped and it's like, well, you love horses, okay.

So I went out and I took writing lessons. And then after I took riding lessons, I leased a horse. And then after I leased a horse, I bought a horse. And then after I bought a horse, I had to just, as she got old, I bought it 'cause she was old and I didn't want them to send her to the glue factory. So I just cleaned her hoofs and gave her treats right.

And paid for her room and board and, and loved her. But I just, I had to start, what do you love? What are you good at, Kath? Go, go. Do some of that. Go. Help another person. Go. I couldn't be stressed out about all the things that were no longer working in my life or what I didn't know about my future.

I had to get kind of drop into who I was. I bought a restaurant. Wow. I ran a couple of restaurants for a while. I sold on the side. I I, I, yeah, I just, and then at some point. I was at a point where financial think about owning your own restaurant is you buy a job and part of your bonus plan is whatever didn't get sold that day, and the restaurant becomes your diet for the next week.

So it's not probably you like the food you cooking. Yeah. So it wasn't the path to glory, but it was very definitely a grounding time for me when I decided I wanted more more food with my meals, more, more variety of my life. I got back into real estate as a managing and as a leader. Again, the question, what are you good at?

What do you love? What are you good at? What do you love? What do you love? Working with others? You love, obviously in the hospitality industry you're good at, you're good at real estate, you're good at strategy, you're good at you're good at seeing things other people don't see. And so it, again, I think the idea is breadcrumb breadcrumbs and fireflies.

Like all of a sudden, you know, you either look down and where are my feet? What am I gonna do next? Or you look up and you say, what's light in the way? Where is, and, and so, then I got back into real estate and got back into leadership and got back into working with others. And yeah. So I am fascinated with the part about when you get divorced and as women or men mm-hmm.

You know, our identity becomes part of that package. And I think sometimes without, we just go along. Float along the river without really making big decisions. And then, so when you got divorced, then you're saying, okay, I'm in charge. I'm the captain now. So you get to make those decisions.

It sounds like in some ways as you said, I'm sure it was painful. Mm-hmm. But it opened up a new world for you. So I, I think that's an interesting observation. And this podcast, I only talk to women and I do have a lot of men who listen, but mostly women I'd say. And I love the insights that guests like you can give on some of those things that seem like, oh, this'll be the end of the world.

But you say, no, it won't. It's actually also a new beginning. It is. And it's interesting because you know, you also, in that time, I mean, all I kept telling myself was small steps, big breath, small steps, big breath. If you move the pebbles, the rock, the Boulder rule shift. So it wasn't about, don't do anything, but earlier I, I spoke about the battlefield always being on the battleground, making big decisions and valiant efforts at that stage, the humility that was going on in my life.

And I call it humility and not humiliation, had me very grounded. Okay, you can't do that, but you can do this. What do you love? What are you good at? What do you love? What are you good at? And so, it was, yeah, it was, it was like slight things. So it didn't come off of a strategy board. And I don't know about you, but in 2020 I tore up my vision board and realized, well, that didn't work out the way I planned.

Planned. Right. Okay. That's out the window. I know. So interesting. It's, it's, it's, I, I kind of like when life humbles you a little bit, I think that there's a lot to discover. I think there's a lot to discover. You like being humbled. Life will certainly meet your request. Yes, yes. Whether or not you want it.

I, I do wanna make sure that we talk about, you know, this, as I said, this is a conversation. I love every bit of wisdom and insight and experience you're sharing, but we do have a couple things to talk about Sure. That I'm intrigued about. And one is that you say, how does your marketing best reflect your message?

So that's number one. What would you say that your answer to that. I think my marketing is when I found my softer self, when I found the idea that I could dare to be a woman, that I don't have to be like Gloria Steinem says the, a better version of a man, right? Which is what I thought I always had to be in work that the, and and what do you love?

What do you do? Well, the, the softer side of me came out and it's funny because the pinks and the pastels and the love and the difference between being kind and always having to be nice the authentic power of kindness as compared to the strategy behind being nice so that you can fill in the blanks.

And so there was this new thing started coming in. So my marketing now is very, I'm here, right? This is me. I'm I have an aesthetics for life that is like, I, so, I like, I like pretty things. I like color, and I like, I love your sweater. By the way, if you're not watching, if you're listening, you might wanna check out the YouTube because the first thing I said when I saw her is I said, Cathy, I love that sweater.

I know, I know. It's, it's fun to have fun and it's fun to be light and breezy, and I always thought that was cheating. So my marketing is more about if the message is it brings light and love into the, into the picture people's response that I would be evoking from that would be like, as well, you know, similar in design, varying in degrees that there would be some kind of response that is generated only to to that.

So my marketing is, you know, it's been very interesting because my my swag is, I try so hard to make it about others. That sometimes I lose myself. And, you know, that invitation is is like, come on, come on, come and play. Come and play. But what I, what I'm not doing is I'm not showing up either. So there's that happy dance.

So I've gotta get back into showing up for my own messaging on that rather than thinking the message of a welcome mat is enough. I need to yeah, do that. I think as women I'll speak for myself and I think many of the people I know we follow by example. That's why we lead by example.

We see what it does with others and we say, me too, I can do that too. We have a sense of being encouraged when we see, when we see love and light and success reflected in the women around us. And that's a beautiful thing. So that's what my marketing best wants to reflect. And this podcast has blown me away because that, that what you just described is such a common theme among the women in the podcast.

Even if, I'm just amazed at how even the most successful women, they still have doubts, they still have imposter syndrome, they still wonder, can I be authentic? Will people accept me as I am? And normally they eventually decide. Yeah, because it's not worth doing in any other way. Mm-hmm. It, it's not, that wouldn't even be a game I'm interested in playing.

I wanna talk to about the last couple points. That you listed and that is, these are very intriguing to me. I'll read both of them. What are some of the things that you thought were non-negotiable that now you see as optional? And on the flip side, what did you once think of as optional that now you know, are non-negotiable?

So speak to that for me. Well, the non-negotiables that I would fall on a sword for in regards to what good girls do, what what needs to be done, I'd rather be right than happy. So, you know, the fact that you have to suffer through these consequences that's on you. So the, the hard edge that I thought was mandatory, not only on myself, but holy Kim, what I did to the inner circle of people who dared to love me, right?

The standards of perfection that I thought was gonna make up for my insecurities. And so all those non-negotiable. So, so it became optional. So I, I like being on time for me five or 10 minutes early, but I would inflict that on other people who like coming in at time or a little later and not have a thing about it, right?

So I needed to quit inflicting my code of ethics. On other people who were just simply living their life. And I found that my relationships got simpler when I didn't make everything so rigid. So, and what has become optional is your response to me, right? I don't only live for people to act in a certain way.

Not everything is targeted. So if I make a call, let's say, 'cause right now my prospecting is for recruiting. So if I thought everything had to go in a certain way for other agents, right? Right. For other agents, right? So I recruit and I have conversations, I do my homework, I look at 'em, I fall, you know, I make myself pleasant and relevant by knowing them instead of just attacking them.

And so, when I go about doing this, if I'm attached to an outcome, the peaks and valleys are harsh. But if I'm just involved in an activity, it's what I do for an hour and a half. It's what I do. It's, you know, I make the calls, I shake the hands, I kiss the babies I get out there and what joy I feel in the, in the doing of that.

Mm-hmm. And so if, and what happens is there's pleasant consequences. Not consequences. 'cause consequences. There's pleasant reactions as a result of me just showing up and doing the job, not getting the result, the result will come. But by doing the job, there's a pleasantry of wellbeing that starts becoming initiated.

And so that's it. And it's interesting because one of my prayers or thoughts or intentions of the day is to create a sense of mutual wellbeing, right? Not only I'm okay, you're okay, love Wayne Dwyer, but it goes beyond that. You're not broken. You wanna buy a house or change your real estate career around, or maybe learn a new, learn a new skill that you're not starting broken.

You're starting whole and we're just developing, we're having some fun and developing some new skills. And so that's what I, I looked at as the, what has become optional is you don't always have to be in the worst position to want something new in your life. You can simply say, I wanna do something new.

And on, on my TEDx talk, when I talked about dare to be a better asker, it was like, you don't have to go and change the moon and you know, or go to the moon and, and change the world. You could simply learn a new dance step, right? Take a dance lesson, create a new, go to a new restaurant. Drive a new way to work.

Open yourself up outside of the world that you've been functioning in without question, and start to question, could I do something a little differently? Right. I, I do wanna hear about your TEDx talk. We're, we just have a couple minutes, but I will put the link in into your TED talk into the show notes.

But I do what something that you said really resonated with me and I just can't actually think about what it was. But anyway, that was all, that was great stuff. I wanna hear about your TED Talk, so we'll put that in the show notes and then also tell me about swag and also how can people connect with you?

Oh, you're so kind. You're so kind. So swag. Initially it was smart women aging gracefully. It's a community I'm building on Facebook. And I've kind of let the s become very optional for everybody. I, I do know that the gracefulness isn't optional. 'cause graceful means unmerited favor. What if you no longer had to do a dog and pony act to feel you deserved good enough?

To feel good enough? What if you just assumed the good enough? So that's the grace, the unmerited favor. Aging is just something that happens. I love it. It's it's an evolutionary it, we need the time to evolve, so I'll take it. Right? I'll just take the time. And the women I like women to women.

I think there's something that we teach and learn. We just give and take with each other that it makes us better citizens of the universe. And the s is where the option is. That's where you can be smart. You can be sexy, you can be sophisticated, you can be sassy. You can be a smart ass. You can do anything you want.

And because it's no longer about being who it is people expect you to be, but it's about showing up in the relationship of who you are. As who you are. And that's a Facebook thing. And I just would love for that to become more active for I, oh, well it's promoted. I told you I'm already in, I'm, I'm way in on that.

And, and it, it is interesting as we're talking, we're not that far apart in age and it's exciting to get older and have this different perspective where we don't care as much what people think. We can't, I can't tell a lie. I do care what people think, but I think that we let go about of that more and say, okay, what do we wanna contribute?

What do we want to make happen? So swag your Facebook group, that's definitely going in the show notes. I want to be part of that. So I will be signing up. And you have given me, because it's been bursting up, you have given me the inclination. Granted, I have a full-time job and I love what I do and I love everything else, but to create that book, to get into that, into the conversation with other like-minded women to stay in that game too.

And so something's percolating around that as well. So I will very definitely keep you posted on, on that. Good. That I, I definitely wanna stay connected. So, this has just been an incredible, enjoyable conversation that I feel could have gone much longer, but I am true to my 30 minute podcast deadline.

So, Cathy, it's just, it's really been a delight. I will put all your information in the show notes. Mm-hmm. So you listening can find out more about how to contact Cathy and how to join swag and, and talk and learn about, hey, if you wanna be a realtor, if you're interested in being a realtor and you wanna be recruited or you wanna find out the option..

So, we'll close this out for now and, and we're gonna do a bonus round in a second. So stick around because we're gonna learn some fun facts about Cathy. But meanwhile, I just wanna say thank you Cathy, so much for being on the podcast. Thank you. Kay. Thank you for having me. What a great treat.

Thank you.