FCA Experiences, Engagement Stories, and Marriage Advice - Pt. 2 (feat. Mary Ashley Culpepper)

In this episode of the Created to Be podcast, Bethany, Justin, Darius, and Mary Ashley dive into the “stretch time” with a conversation about the best and worst marriage advice they’ve heard over the years. From “never go to bed angry” and “happy wife, happy life” to learning how to communicate for understanding instead of just reacting, the group shares honest stories, hard-earned lessons, and a lot of laughter along the way.

The conversation explores what it really looks like to grow together in marriage, how to discern what advice to take (and what to leave behind), and why knowing God’s voice matters more than following every opinion around you. Whether you’re single, dating, engaged, newly married, or years into marriage, this episode offers practical wisdom about relationships, maturity, communication, and becoming who God created you to be.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I was trying to protect a deficiency that God was using my helpmate to get me out of.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

Welcome to the Create It To Be Podcast. I'm one of your hosts, Bethany Pigett, and this is part two of the conversation that we had with Mary Ashley Culpepper. We pick up in the conversation with our stretch time about best and worst marriage advice. Enjoy. All right, so stretch

The Stretch: Best and Worst Marriage Advice

SPEAKER_02 0:27

time. Best and worst marriage advice. See if you've heard some of this. We'll start with worst first. How about that? Never go to bed angry. Do you think that's good or bad advice? That's good advice to me. I like this because it says sometimes people are exhausted, emotional, and overstimulated. A late night argument at 1 a.m. rarely produces wisdom. Sleep is a healthy move. I agree with. I've actually, this is one that I kind of wrestled with because there is a verse that talks about like Don't let the sun go down on your anger. And give the enemy a foothold or whatever. But like there are times where we would be mad and we have way more relational maturity and skills now to where we could probably navigate that. But early on, that would have produced 10 times worse the conflict. But because of that verse, you feel obligated to talk about it. So I thought that was really interesting.

SPEAKER_04 1:18

Well, the best, I think the better advice, because I don't think it's that's maybe worst. Yeah. Um, but the better advice would be to like, okay, let's have a conversation on when to revisit this.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Yeah. Like we're we're not at a good place right now to do it. But let's revisit this tomorrow.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

After we sleep, you know. And then you can agree.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

You can agree with that, Darius. I can agree because I feel like even with that, you you may not be in the piece, but you're going in the direction of it. Yeah, yeah. You get what I mean? So it's like I'm not just going to bed because like I'm that when you said something too over time. Yeah. Like early on, that's how it used to be with me and Santana. And I'm just gonna say this the next day was still like rough. Like, like, because it's almost like you go to sleep, and then the next day is like we both trying to figure out who is gonna say something or who is gonna bow. Right. Oh yeah. I mean, that's what it felt like. Like, who gonna who gonna be the first one to give in? Like, and so what I'm saying, like to me, I feel like that's a level, like balance, even like what you said. I I think that's a great way to put it.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

Like go to bed with agreement.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Yes. Oh, there we go. Come on. See, I told you, father of the pod. Father of the pod.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Oh my goodness. Okay, another one. Happy wife, happy life.

SPEAKER_04 2:39

Blarf. I'm glad you mentioned that one.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Man, I that was only one I could think about.

SPEAKER_04 2:43

And I was like, that's the one I keep hearing all the time. I'm like, God, it just produces not good things.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Now I did hear one that kind of it goes with that, but it is it looks out for both parties. Okay. It says, happy spouse, happy house. Okay. So it's kind of like it kind of gives both people a chance. Because that happy wife, that happy wife, happy life. I'm gonna say this, that gets drilled sometimes on the behalf of the support of the women. And I'm not I'm not against that, but sometimes it's almost like you make me feel like I'm just here just to make you happy.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Like, well, I don't like it, even as the wife. Like, I don't like the concept of like, oh, you gotta make sure that I'm okay. Like it makes me feel fragile. Like it makes me feel like, oh, you're so delicate that if you falter just a little bit, that's gonna just like ruin everybody. And that's how I hear it, and that's why I don't like it. I married a boss. Come on now. Look, I wouldn't let Justin like let me win in a game. Like that ticked me off. So this type of stuff. Have you heard anything like this, Mary Ashley? Or happy wife, happy life. Yeah, have you heard that?

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Yeah, I've heard it. I've just never put that much thought into it. I guess because it's never applied to me until a few years.

SPEAKER_04 4:00

More from like the older couples now, and it's more of a joke. Yeah. Right. But there probably is some truth to it. Well, and then and all the guys are like, oh yeah. You know, and then on to the next thing. Well, let me let's talk about sports, you know. It's just like whatever.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

But this is the thing I see, some people really take it to heart. Yeah, oh yeah. Like they take it to heart to it's almost like what you the man, what he thinks and feel in this moment does not matter. Because happy wife, happy life. So that means if I'm not happy, none of this, and it's like I I'm like, no, that's not that's not right. Like, you know, because I I do think just the the healthy side of it is when both people are having the mindset to make each other happy, everybody benefits. You know what I mean? So um I've I've just seen some people take that way out in left field, and I'm sitting there like, I'm amazed because I'm like, this is your real conviction. Right. Like you really believe this is the case. Yes. I I mean, and it's it's like, okay, Lord thank you for Santana. Lord, thank you that she's not, I didn't have to fight that, you know, that mentality. What about this one? If it's hard, you married the wrong person. Ah, that's that's tricky. I'm gonna say this. No, no, that no no explain. Well, I'm gonna say the reason why I say that's tricky uh because like so Santana is an introvert, and I'm an extrovert. Extroverts sometimes feel like we need the community. Introverts value the isolated place. So when we first got married, it was a little challenging because it's almost like you got two people pulling for their side, and then maturity steps in. I knew this is my person, this is what I'm supposed to have. And then it's like I saw the downside of being an extrovert. Like, like, case in point, I care too much about what people think of me. Like she was more settled in herself. Also, she was able to see on the flip side, Santana, you one of the greatest gifted people I know, but don't nobody know it but you. Because you don't you don't fool with nobody, like you don't go outside of yourself, and then you're upset that people misunderstand you because people used to think, man, your wife mean. And I'm like, no, she's not mean, she's just an introvert. So sometimes people that introvert, like they don't talk, they don't like you have to engage them. But if you you know, and so like it was challenging at first. That's why I say I just feel like that is uh it's in context. Now I I just now I don't feel like it should be hard in the sense of like man, every day you waking up like another day. I don't believe that. But I do believe sometimes the growth aspect of it can produce some, you know, challenges.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

Yeah, I think that it would be a bad, it would be bad advice if like just because I mean we're not getting into like abuse and like things like that, but just an in general if it's hard, it's m you must have married the wrong person. Like just a in general statement. If somebody was, if uh somebody was married going through a hard time and you're like, well, it just must because it should the implication is it should just be easy if it was the right person.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Right.

SPEAKER_02 7:19

But like I like what this says is that it eventually becomes like there's always gonna be something, like I mentioned earlier, you're combining two lives that have lived separate. So something's gonna hit the fan, and so it's just you know, you mature over time. And that should be the goal.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

I think if there's one thing that I've heard just in this engagement season, people are like, marriage is hard. Yeah. Because like it's work and it's like especially at the beginning, just having to to come together to be one, but yet you're two separate people. Like there's gonna be a lot of friction, and there's gonna be a lot of just like figuring things out, you know, in the process.

SPEAKER_02 7:55

I think knowing, like, whenever we talked the other day about like it's because you got ha you had your own habits in singleness. I mean, you were dating, but you were living by yourself, you know. So, like, and you're merging those two things and then beliefs and then like all these other things. I just think that that's what makes it hard. So if you know why it's hard, right? Not that hard is wrong, right, but you know that it's hard because of these dynamics, and then we just have to work through. I wish I that what I just said, I wish I knew that when we got married. We didn't I did not think in terms of why it was hard. Right. And that that's common for everybody.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

And you and you got like you should like she said, it's people telling you like marriage is hard. Like I this is what I like. I like the honesty in it, because it's like even what you're speaking to, that's a real thing. Because some people go in blind, thinking, oh, it's it's happily ever after.

SPEAKER_02 8:43

Every day is I've loved all our dates, it's just gonna be like that every day.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

And and so it's but it's also like the saying, um, I don't know if y'all heard the saying, uh, if it's uh if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. And you start seeing people though, but it's like, okay, now that's not the type of fighting for. Like, like you didn't completely lost yourself. Like this is not healthy. Yeah. You know what I mean? So, but but as far as the aspect of speaking to the um element of it being hard, because it's like you don't realize, you don't really realize. I remember one time I I had a brush. No, I had a sponge. I used to sponge my hair. Santana took my sponge and puts it up. Now, this is the difference. I kind of live like just a male. I was like an alpha. Like, I just put my sponge wherever the sponge is set down, that's where it's gonna be. Well, no, it has a place. Well, see, this is with her. Look, she was all clean and neat. So one day I'm going to work and I cannot find, and I'm I'm going crazy. Then I go to the to the to the store to buy another one, but the one I got at home is already broken, you know. So it's like, so I'm calling her. I'm like, so she's like, Babe, how's your morning going? It's been rough. It's terrible. I can't find my sponge. I'm like, I can't find my sponge. She's like, oh, oh, that's funny. It's just under the the cabinet. Why you didn't tell me? You know, and but what you start realizing is when I was by myself, I had no problem with me. Right. But now another, now another person is exposing to some of the things you're gonna have to shift and change. And it's like, oh my god, this is this is a it's it's hard, but not hard in the sense of like I can't change, but it's hard in the aspect of like you said, formation. Yeah, you know, we be the two becoming one.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

Yeah, it is hard. So some of the best marriage advice, uh, you're

Best Marriage Advice

SPEAKER_02 10:30

on the same team. Great advice. Great advice. You're not my opponent, you're my teammate. Yeah, and you don't always need a winner in an argument. And there that I also think that there's not always uh, I'm gonna like make a disclaimer. Sometimes it is obviously someone's fault. I'm gonna and Justin could pitch stories at me, but this would be an example. He accidentally left Abby at softball practice and I left the house and said, Now you're gonna go get Abby right. And he said, Yes, and I left to come to FCA. Well, then the whole thing panned out where he forgot, and to be fair, Ben was having some stomach issues that night, so he got caught up in that. Well, when Abby got in the car, or when I saw her later, she was like, You left me at softball. And I wouldn't normally say this, but I was like, No, dad left you was obviously, but that's I mean, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm just kind of picking, but like that's one thing I think I would have loved to know earlier, too. Like Abby, Abby is a daddy's girl though, so yeah, she's gonna favor, yeah, she's gonna come hard at me. The sometimes just that that like you're working together to try to get to a conclusion. Like it's not always that someone has to be blamed or at fault.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

And and and I want to say this to MA take this with you because this is something I had to learn. Communication is not just talking, it is getting an understanding. Yes, because sometimes people say, you know, we're communicating. No, it's not just talking, but it's getting an understanding. And I had to learn that quick. Because me and Santana may be having a an argument about something, and I'm trying to figure out how are you getting this? I said this, and how did you get that? Like, like I was we'll hear something different, like, and and that's what would be challenging for me until I started realizing, okay, Darius, you can't just think because you're talking about it. No, the aim is to get an understanding, which would help me come off my throne of how I feel, to try to side or or get in her shoes and say, okay, how could she have taken this, this, and vice versa. And over time, I just started seeing for us, it helped mature us, and not just with each other. I will tell you this: even learning to work through things as a marriage, it helps you work with other people better. Oh, for sure. Because you, you know, it's like because you you learn to value uh someone else's stance, even if it's not something that you wholeheartedly agree with, but for the aspect of moving together better, it's like I can understand where you're coming from. And so that's something I had to learn. And me and Santana, we we hardly ever just have real like arguments now over time, compared to when we first got married. Because we, you know, we've grew, learned each other. And so, uh, but I would tell you that like even when it comes to your husband, you know, like not just what you say, but how you say it, valuing because sometimes men is almost like we move like we don't have feelings, you know, or that don't bother me. Sometimes certain stuff can bother you, and so learning to have that conversation where I want to protect your feelings, I'm gonna tell you the truth, but I also want you to know I'm not just trying to be condescending, you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

And so I also had this picture just now as we were talking of uh ping pong. Like, I'm gonna the ball's coming to you. Like, I say something, it comes to you, and then now you get a chance to like handle that and then send it back to me. And that's how conversation I think is supposed to kind of go is like I've got some data and I'm gonna throw it out there, and then you're gonna add to it or take away, and then you come back, and then we just keep going back and forth until we get kill shot in Justin's version. Yes, it's funny. Kill shot. Well, that's not what I meant. I need a better analogy, but that's the only picture I had. But I was just thinking the back and forth is like to get to that point where it's like, oh, together we have finally created what we're trying to talk about. Right. Like this is what you know, whatever it is. Um, let's see.

SPEAKER_04 14:35

We're gonna just more like paddle ball at the beach where we're trying to hit it back and forth as many times as we possibly can.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Yes. Oh, I forgot about that. That's probably more fun. It's a fun game.

SPEAKER_04 14:43

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

That is fun. Um I think we'll we'll just say this one and then we'll move on. But because I I like this, apologize specifically.

SPEAKER_05 14:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

So I'm sorry you felt hurt is not the same as I was dismissive when you were trying to explain something. I wish we had the saying I'm sorry you felt hurt versus I was dismissive when you were trying to explain something important. Like putting instead of saying, I'm sorry you felt that way, but saying like owning up to what you did.

SPEAKER_04 15:12

I'm sorry you're insecure, Darius.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

But what I was saying is this but man, but see, that's hard for me. Why this is a session for Darius right now. Man, it's it's not I don't want to say it's hard. No, no, no, you're right. I'm not I'm not saying that it's hard for me to apologize. Okay, but it's like I'm gonna say this. There were we went through a season in my marriage where I could tell Santana wasn't being completely honest with me in a certain space because she didn't like the monster I would become after her telling me the truth. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? So it, but then it got to a point where it's like, babe, why you ain't telling me or why you didn't say nothing? And then she was, well, and then eventually she tells me, and so sometimes, like in that particular space, it's almost like I'm trying to protect a deficiency that God is trying to use her to help me get out of. You get what I'm saying? Like, like sometimes I was trying to protect the deficiency that God was using my helpmate to get me out of. So sometimes it's it's literally, I'm sorry that you felt insecure. However, I because it's like I wasn't trying to attack you.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

You get what I mean? Like, and and I that's why I say, like, and I I'll say this, we understand that marriage is not a cookie-cutter for everybody. Everybody's situation to a degree is gonna be different. But there were times where I realized, and and it was a I thank God for us getting this early, but it was a regrettable feeling knowing that there were spaces that I didn't grow because I'm trying to protect that deficient side of me, that she is literally there to there to help me to get right. And it's like when maturity settled in, and then I could see her become another person. Because we could have what you call mature conversation. Listen, I promise you, this is not to be disrespectful, this is not to be dishonorable, this is not to hurt you, but this is what you displayed. Yeah, and even if this is not you, this is what it looked like.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Yeah, yeah, and then give you the opportunity to speak into that. I tell that to Justin whenever we talk. I'm like, this is what I saw. I'm not saying that this is reality. Right, right. But tell me you I need your words because this is what I saw, and I I either think it's okay or not, whatever it may be that I'm bringing up.

SPEAKER_04 17:35

And that's what's made it great to work with Bethany for all these years. It's been hard and challenging at times, but it's really good because she sees things, she sees things in meetings or in what I'm communicating that I just don't catch or see. And uh and so she's gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

But we've had to grow a lot in believing the best about each other.

SPEAKER_04 17:53

Yes. Oh, yeah, that's probably been one of those things.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

And that's that's now that is a great one. Believe now, that's you need to take that one. I got it. Believing believing the best about each other, despite what may present itself, what may come, but always because that's the place you want to work from or also work toward. Yeah, you know, believe in the bit, that's that's a great one, man.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

I even think that I'm not even married yet, but I've noticed me praying like a lot of my prayer lately has been, Lord, help me to see Jacob the way that you see him. And I think that goes kind of hand in hand, and like the Lord m created Jacob and He sees Jacob like from his from his perspective, and I want to also because the Lord sees all the good things in Jacob, right? And he sees all the like all the potential and all of all of his intentions, you know. And I want thank you, Lord. I want to see me, man. I just and that's kind of been my prayer, and I hope it it continues to be my prayer because I think that's how you do see the best, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

And that that's um one thing I was sharing with Mary Ashley and I've shared with a few other people that touched me in a Bible project podcast was like it was talking about God's relationship with David and how the covenant worked on God related to David as if it was his best day, even if it was his worst. Gotcha. And so that challenged me to see other people that way. Yeah. And you know, do I choose to see, do I relate to Justin as if like he just did that, but let's just assume it's his best day. That's how I need to relate to him.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

And and one of the things that God gave me, now this wasn't just related to Santana, but it was in a lot of areas. But I'm saying you can put this in marriage, going even to what you said, like he said, and believing the best about each other. God told me the appearance of flaws is not the absence of value. That's good. So just because I see a place of deficiency, it doesn't dilute the greatness of that particular individual. Right. You know, we all truthfully have something to improve on. Right. So just because I have to be improved here doesn't take away from all of the things that I am sufficient in over there.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

But that's what it can feel like initially when we're challenged. Yeah. Like that's what we go into. Let me protect this over here. Because this is what I who I believe I am. Yes, and it doesn't mean when somebody brings it up that you're not that person.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

And and and while we're talking, that's what I think sometimes we miss marriages for. It's a help me, it's to help us to become the best version of ourselves. Our spouses helped us to become who we are meant to be holistically, not just for them, but everywhere we go. Like Santana, I tell people this all the time because she's behind the scenes. I tell people, I am the manifestation of her private work. Not just the work of God, but the work of her. Like we by ourselves, she's telling me, Darish, you're not like it's you, you wasn't humble. Darish, you're not humble right now. Or there's you you you're not showing, you gotta do better in this. Like, what what is, and it's like it's gotten to the point where I realize I'm better because of her. Right. You know what I mean? And so, and and I believe because of her conviction about the best of who I am, it helps her put the work in to help me to be continue to become better. She's convicted about the person I am. So it's like I don't mind helping or doing what I can to help continue to improve what I know you already are.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

Yeah, you know, and so it's really good. So, you know, at some point in your life, whether you're getting married or whether you're in the season of, you know, we're in spring, graduation's happening right now, like people are gonna transition to different jobs over the summer, maybe come back to Mississippi State, whatever it may be, you're gonna have people give you either solicited or unsolicited advice. Yeah. Whether I mean about every what career you're gonna take, where you're gonna live, what you're gonna major in, like all the things.

Discerning Advice

SPEAKER_02 21:58

So as we wrap up here, I just Was going to mention, like, where does advice generally come from? A lot of times it can come from how a person was raised that will influence what they pass on, uh, what they've experienced, who they admire, and what voices they consume consistently. So those things normally are, you know, those spaces are normally friend family, friends, pastors, uh, church, social media, books, personal experience, culture and entertainment, uh, maybe therapy if you go to therapy or community influence. So you have all these things factor in to how someone will pass on advice, you know? And if it worked for them or they perceive like it worked for them, then it's hard to move the needle on that. Like, especially if you're in a marriage and they're like, oh yeah, well, that worked for me. So no need changing it now.

SPEAKER_05 22:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Um, but also, you know, there are legitimate things that people pass on that they've experienced that learn on their expense, right? That you don't have to then repeat. So I'm thankful when you're able to be around people like that, like you can see things in their life that they can speak from that experience um and then share it with you. But like how my question is as we wrap up, like in the midst of all of that, because some things can be a lot of things are very subjective advice that's given, whether you ask for it or that people just give it to you. Um, it is subjective to the variety of things I've just mentioned. So, how do you know what advice to take, what to leave, what kind of advice to seek out?

SPEAKER_00 23:27

Well, you heard me say this before. Before you take the advice, look at their life. Yeah. That's just that's a simple one to me. Before I take your advice, I'm gonna look at your life. Like you can tell me, I and I'm saying this, I can't control, especially when you get married, you're gonna see you can't control everybody who has something to say, but you can't control what you allow to get in. Yeah. As I've gotten older, I I realize this, I'm not a garbage can. I I value myself. I value even my marriage now. We we're eight years, we just celebrated eight years, but I still value because I still have people I listen to, I look at, but I'm like this before I take because I I say that because God had to help me with that because I was surrounded by a lot of uh divorce. And so people would give me bad uh bad advice from their bad experience. So it's like uh they was saying, like, because what there was a space where Santana was in Montgomery, and I was here. Oh I'm telling you, she already got somebody else. If she over there, you know, she's taking she's going to the medical field, you trying to go in business, work at a bank, you ain't gonna make enough money. I'm telling you, wow, she's a people were telling you that? Yes. Wow, like like because they was like, oh yeah, she's four hours away. Oh, she like, but it's because they have experienced that. Yeah, or they know somebody else who experienced that. So it's just started hitting me like before God spoke that to me, before I take their advice, look at their life. Yeah, if especially if they have had bad experiences and they're not giving you warning. Like, like, and when I say warning, it's like I've had somebody literally come to me. I was dating a previous person that I was thinking I was gonna marry, and they told me, don't do it. They said, because they I explained, I trusted them and I told them what I'm dealing with. They said, do not do it. They said, because what you're experiencing now is gonna quote unquote magnify in marriage. And if this is how this person is now and it's it's killing you now, it's only like but they were telling me from the bad, it's like they let their struggle be strength for me. Yeah, you get what I'm saying? So even though they had a bad experience, they was allowing their bad experience to work good somewhere else. But some people just give you bad experien it's almost like misery that love company. They wanna, they they I'm gonna make this up the way.

SPEAKER_02 25:49

Yeah, if it happened to them, it's inevitable. It's gonna happen to you.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Right. And so that's that's one of the things that helps me when it comes to that, when with knowing what advice to take and what advice not to take. Before I take your advice, I look at your life. You know, I mean, that's just yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:02

I think that through my life, like in my time, my own time and my like growth on my own with the Lord, that really helped me be able to identify what advice to take, like and how to filter through it. Because even when I would go to church, it was like I would already have been reading and writing some stuff down, and then the pastor might say something that was similar to what I had read. And so it wasn't like this outside source was the first thing that entertained my mind, and then I validated it somewhere else. It was like I was already kind of hearing this thing, and so then it's a little bit disorienting if you hear something different. So, like for instance, people would say, We got married right after like we graduated. So I had literally just turned 21 in September. We got married in December, and I don't know how many people, and I don't know exactly how they said it, but it was basically this idea, however, they worded it, was like, oh, you like you're throwing your life away. Yeah, like you're 21. Too young. Yeah, you're too young, you've got so much, and it was conflicting to me because I was convinced that, and I don't know in what way, but just in my own time with the Lord, like that something about me and Justin coming together and getting married at that time, there was something more significant we were gonna be able to do together than if we stayed single and separate.

SPEAKER_05 27:22

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 27:22

And so I had already that in my mind. And so then when someone's like, oh, blah, blah, blah, yes, maybe in some cases, some people are not ready to get married at 21.

SPEAKER_05 27:30

Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

But that's not what I was hearing. Right. And so I think if I didn't have that to engage with on my own, it would have, I mean, it was already still a little bit like, oh gosh, because these people are older than me, they do have more experience than me. But whenever I realized that's not what I'm hearing, it just helped me discern. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:47

Now I'm in the back going, thanks for the support, guys.

unknown 27:50

Right.

SPEAKER_04 27:51

Throwing her life away.

SPEAKER_02 27:52

Thanks. Yeah. Um, so, but also in a way, I'm not even throwing a life, but like it's gonna be so boring, or it's gonna be, you know, like you could do so many more things, you know. And I'm like, I don't because I was never that person that was like, I gotta go find a husband. So that was really not like my plan, but that's what unfolded. And so, you know, but anyways, any other things before as we wrap up, how you decide what advice to take, what advice you decide to leave, like what helps you do that.

SPEAKER_04 28:21

I think you gotta be on the same page with your spouse on what you take. But even personally in your life too though? Yeah, yeah, I think so too. I mean, there there it it comes down to the fruit of the guys. Like, I mean, you you've watched these guys, what they're modeling, you see the fruit of their kids and how their kids respond to them. I think that's a big one for me. How how did your kids respond to you? Um, what do your kids say about you? So, like I would get advice from people that were like my dad's age, you know, about different things, and but I would know their kids. And so sometimes when you see that disconnect, it's kind of like, well, you know, it kind of makes you think about it a little bit more.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Yeah, maybe considering who's in their life like consistently, like I was even thinking like a coach who's around their athletes all the time. If you see a healthy relationship between in that dynamic, it probably makes you more trusting of that coach. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're being exposed all the time to these people. So it would, you know, they could be a determination of that character, legitimacy of that character. Anything else?

SPEAKER_00 29:25

I think uh when you said that, I I don't think we can underestimate that. I know MA already been talking about prayer, but you said it, but really knowing the voice of God, yeah, like, and I'm saying being intentional about his will for your life, that's gonna help you. Because some advice, what I realized was it was great, but it wasn't for me. Yeah. You know, like you said.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

But even people can throw I don't want to get it, I don't want to I don't want to get in the weeds on this, but even some people can know the Bible and like throw advice from the Bible around. Like we were talking, we just said there's a verse that talks about don't go to bed angry. Right. And so they could take that very literally, but then you don't give you space to kind of think through like logically, though, if I'm boiling mad, right? Is this the best time? Right. Like, so how do I still take this advice, take this wisdom, that's probably a better word from the scriptures, and maturely apply it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 30:20

And that's that's why I think when Justin said what he said, I had never heard it that way. Um, even though I I have exemplified it, but I didn't hear it like that. But that's why I say when you grow in your own relationship with God, he kind of gives you, like you was talking about when you was already writing certain stuff down, and then you're you're hearing it at church. Like I'm saying, you are hearing the voice of God to know when someone says something contrary, okay, this is not in alignment with what God has been speaking, even if it's good, like like even if it's something good or something great, but it's like, okay, that's not you know what what he's speaking for my life, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 31:01

And and we gotta determine if it's for now or if it's for later. I think that's a good thing, too. So good advice, not yet though. All right, and I I'll give you an example. Um, I was at uh speaking engagement, I think me and Bethany were there, and um we got asked to be a part of a speaking engagement with two other couples older than us, and it was talking to younger kids about marriage and you know, relationship stuff or whatever. And so they had a bunch of you know different age groups in the room, and I remember the older couple, they were like, ma'am, they were talking about their relationship with the Lord together and all that and what they do. And and sweetest lady got on. It's like, well, we just we get up in the morning together and read our Bibles and pray together and just have a cup of coffee and sit on the swing, and it's just the sweetest time for us and what we do. And I just encourage you to find somebody like that where y'all are in the word together and praying together and all those things, and that just be you know, whatever, and it was just kind of like I uh it wasn't that Bethany wasn't that, and it wasn't that that was wrong or bad advice. It is great, but you're sending a message to every one of those young kids in that room that it has to be somebody like that. The picture is what it is, picture is what it is, yeah, and I'm sitting there going, ooh, it's not, yeah, and that's good for later, but you can't you can't find you're not gonna find that person like that, and it's gonna be all sweet and nice, yeah, and just the best time.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

Which gets into another topic is like allowing the space for the other person to grow when we're talking about marriage specifically.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

That's another one, yes, because I I'm gonna say this this is a is amazing that we're talking about marriage because I literally was in a conversation eight years. Now I don't know how long you and Justin been married.

SPEAKER_03 32:39

17. 17 coming up December.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

Now listen, and they can tell me they can they can rebuttal this, but I just feel 99% they won't. You have to know that in marriage, the the evolution of each individual, like who you are in year one is not who you are in year five. And some people sometimes think you've changed, and we say it negatively, but it's really like no idea. Like, like, not in the ass aspect of uh I changed for the worse, but it's like the darius I was when I first got married is not the darius that I am right now. And so even when you're getting married, that's an important thing to know that loving the person that you're with and understanding that there are gonna be seasons and moments where shifts are gonna happen. But how God works, he allows the two individuals that really love each other to make the shifts together. And and there may be seasons where you have to give, like you say, I have to give my spouse time. Like I may be here, but they may not necessarily be there at that time. But then there's gonna come a time where they're in a certain space that you may not be in, and it's like, but that's how he makes it works together. You know, it's it's a it's a it's a funny thing, but I I just say that because it's like sometimes we make certain stuff and and and we we want to put it out there like they change. Well, sometimes that's a like that's a part of we're evolving, right?

SPEAKER_02 34:09

You know, and so Mary Ashley, you mentioned yesterday, Mary Ashley has really helped us with the social media for Mississippi, and you had said like I was like thanking you for all your work you've done and stuff, and you were like, Yeah, I didn't quite get to like what I had in mind or whatever, but I was like, but you yeah, but like you took it to a whole nother level. And I feel like it's the similar thing where we do have these pictures or expectations, like this picture of sitting on a you know, uh what this sweet spot together and doing this, and we can think like that has to happen immediately for it to mean that we have a godly marriage, yeah. But that doesn't necessarily always make this space for it to just like what what is this to that's unfolding as both people grow? Like the expression might be that, but it also might be something else, and so making space for that. One other thing, one other story I thought about real quick that is not marriage related, oh kind of, I guess, but was advice that I got from a sweet friend. Um, and we were young and married, like we Justin and I were just like newly married, and she called me and she was concerned because I think I was about to work or had already taken a job, and she was convicted, her conviction was that the wife should not work. And so from that position and from a biblical, like from her interpretation of things, like I should not be working, I should be there serving Justin. And that would be an example of a time where someone that I did a lot of life with that I really trusted spoke advice to me that I did not agree with. I mean, I took it and I like talked through it, but I remember being a little bit confused because that's not what I felt like was happening in my life that I was like tracking with the Lord. So fast forward a few months, things had changed in her life, and she actually and I I went ahead and took the job and did that, but she came back and she like apologized to me for that. So I'm just like that's the kind of thing where going back to what y'all been saying, like prayer, your own time with the Lord, like if you go based on even someone's best intentions, like there it was genuine she wanted the best for me. It was not ill will or anything like that. Like she, you know, and I've done that to people too. I have been so convicted or convinced of something that I'm like, you gotta see this problem. Like you, you know, and it's like that can that I mean that puts a lot of pressure on that person to like make a decision maybe they don't need to make. Yeah, and so anyway, um, that's why we have to kind of evaluate like how are we, where are we taking advice from? What do we take? What do we not? How do we stay on track? How do we discern? Um, and those things, you know, we've mentioned a lot of things that have helped us. So hopefully that's helped someone who's listened. Um, any other parting shots? You didn't know you were gonna actually, I didn't know you'd get advice today.

SPEAKER_01 36:56

Yeah, thank y'all for the marriage counseling. Enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

Yeah, man, we enjoyed you today. You are so great. Um, I I really enjoyed a lot of the work you've put in and even just stepping into marriage and how you just have evolved into the person that you are. And uh we always, you know, since I've been here, we've worked with so many different gifted people, but you are so gifted, can do a lot. I know MA talked about her family and different things, but Mary Ashley can sing you all. Like she can.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

I got that for my family too. We need to talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

Well, I remember you talking about your dad's, you know, being a singer or musician, or and and I'm just saying, like, she really has a lot that comes with her. And so Jacob is he's really blessed. I know he's a great guy, you know, greatness with greatness. So uh, but I I'm just saying I enjoyed being on the podcast with you and well, definitely praying for you. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Yeah, and Mary, actually, you always like, as you've been here, it's been like I forget that you're like the age of the other students because I don't even put you in that category. Like, I'm not sure. So anyway.

SPEAKER_01 38:03

I'll take that as a compliment. Yeah, it is a compliment.

SPEAKER_04 38:05

No, but you've always asked great questions. And so, like, sometimes I don't get real specific on stuff. And I remember having meetings talking about these things. You're like, okay, so what about this, this? And then, okay, so you're saying this, help me understand this part. And so I'm like, I'm just sitting here and I'm like, oh, she's gonna be great. This, you know.

SPEAKER_02 38:20

Yeah, Mary Ashley has actually made me better in the two years that you've worked here because you can be so comfortable in that space that I have gotten more comfortable with being able to be more direct with people, realizing like not everything is offensive. Like you're literally just trying to make a decision. It's not, there's nothing personal. And being able to work with you has helped me grow in that skill, I think. Maybe I don't know, but I need like feedback. Yes, no, yes, no, with other people I've noticed. Um, I'm more comfortable with that.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

So I was staying at the staff meeting on Monday. I've grown tremendously just in my skills that I learned just being the intern, but also just spiritually. Y'all are all just on a different level with the Lord, and it's what I've prayed for, and it's what I've always wanted to tap into, and the Lord truly blessed me with y'all. So I can say the same things. We love you, Mary Ashley.

SPEAKER_02 39:14

I'm gonna miss it. It's a tear jerker, a tear jerker. Well, we've had a lot of fun today, and um, we just we thank you for everybody who listens and those who come and sit in these seats to chat for a while, and we look forward to whatever we get into next time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to the Create It To Be Podcast. To learn more about FCA at Mississippi State, visit www.msufca.org and follow us on Instagram at Hale StateFCA underscore. If you would like to become a financial partner, visit www.fca.org slash donate to sew into the work God is doing through FCA at Mississippi State.