In episode 18 we tackle one of the more challenging topics in a relationship - at least in ours anyway - Premenstural Syndrome, or PMS. Stephanie shares what it feels like from a female perspective and some of the challenges it presents. Will tries to delicately navigate the topic and gain a greater understanding of how men can support their partners during this time. It's one hell of a ride!
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In episode 18 we tackle one of the more challenging topics in a relationship - at least in ours anyway - Premenstural Syndrome, or PMS. Stephanie shares what it feels like from a female perspective and some of the challenges it presents. Will tries to delicately navigate the topic and gain a greater understanding of how men can support their partners during this time. It's one hell of a ride!
Exclusive offer
Head to askle.co now and use the code at the end of the episode to access a free consult & your first month's product free!
Follow us
B&B Corner Instagram
Asklé Instagram
Stephanie Instagram
Will Instagram
Get in touch
info@askle.co
Hey listeners before we jump into today's episode of the b&b corner, a quick shout out to our startup ask Lee. If you're a mom looking for personalized nutrition that fits into your busy life, is it escalade.co Today, and stay tuned until the end for an exclusive offer just for our listeners.
Will Slater:I don't have weeks are amazing and other weeks where I'm totally awful. I'm just pretty consistently average most of the time, you're in a position where that's not an issue. But then in this particular week, everything that I say or do is like the end of the earth, the worst thing that any human that's ever existed has ever done. I'm the worst possible husband, the worst possible follow that anyone could possibly imagine. Oh, and I'm sitting there going, hang on
Stephanie Slater:Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the b&b corner podcast. Now, Welcome back, we're back in studio. Hopefully the quality is better for your ears.
Will Slater:The audio was a little rough last week that we did our best from the
Stephanie Slater:while we weren't at the b&b corner. Definitely.
Will Slater:No, unfortunately. But we're back back in the studio. Good to be here. So
Stephanie Slater:welcome back to us. Yes, it's been, even though we've done the podcast, we've kept going with the podcast we've really tried to switch off for I would say it's probably been two weeks. Yeah, I would say two weeks, you've had a few moments of doing little bits of work.
Will Slater:So you're gonna say a few moments. Oh, we'll get to that. Also had?
Stephanie Slater:No, you've had a few moments of doing work. I've done very little. But when things have come to mind, I've put sort of notes in my phone and things like that. Just to keep you know, the wheels are turning. But we've mostly switched off. And I would say it was nice for a period a day. But I think what we've both realized, well, no, no, no. Let me take that back. Let me rephrase. We always know that will is a worker, and you love work. And you get a lot out of it if you're doing something that you are passionate about, which is what makes you exceptional what you do. Because if you truly care and believe in something you you find it hard to switch off from that thing. Would you agree? I would. And that's Yeah, so I think it probably started a lot earlier for you. But you were sort of itching to get back into things and like, let me get back into the wild. I probably had a little bit more threshold with the children to get to a certain point. But I tell you what, this morning knowing that today was a workday. I was like, yes. I pray
Will Slater:stay at home parenting is no joke. That's
Stephanie Slater:why however many podcasts ago, I said to you that I don't care what anyone says stay at home, parenting is the hardest job in the world. And you weren't even doing it solo.
Will Slater:No one disagrees with that though. Yeah, people do.
Stephanie Slater:Yeah. What do you mean society? People who
Will Slater:aren't parents? Someone who's not a parent might disagree and say, Yeah, my job's harder? Well, nowadays, I feel like I'm
Stephanie Slater:stereotyping and generalizing a little bit, but I feel like there will be dads out there who don't see who work and don't see the amount of work and effort that goes into being at home with the children and will come home. And I mean, I've had people say to me, like Mom, say, you know, oh, just yesterday in the playground, I had a mom, she just had her second three months old. And the firstborn is two years old. And she was saying, you know, now I can't get washing done, I can't do anything. Because my, the eldest one has stopped napping for the two hours, they used to nap, I just can't. And I said to her, don't worry about it, like leave the washing, there will be a time and a place for the washing right now just get through and survive. And you're doing a great job there. And that's a little different. But there are a lot of moms who say that the husband will come home or the partner and be like, oh, so like, what did you do today? They're still washing. They weren't explicitly say the washing hasn't been folded. But there's this underlying assumption that have you just been sitting on your asado like, can't be that hard.
Will Slater:It's hard. I find it difficult to believe that there is anyone on this earth who would have that view unless they were unbelievably egotistical and moronic and could not for the life of them see the reality that they were in? Okay, you couldn't like you couldn't possibly have that view? Well,
Stephanie Slater:this is you being your self, but there are people who are like that. And yeah, I think it's anyway,
Will Slater:those people are stupid. Would you ever be a stay at home parent? No. I never proclaimed to want that.
Stephanie Slater:Oh, no. Yeah, I know. Absolutely.
Will Slater:I absolutely would not want that. I struggle enough on a weekend, let alone two full weeks. Have
Stephanie Slater:you had lunch with the kids? But that's
Will Slater:not the Same thing. Not at all. Of course, I had fun with them. Yeah, of course I just because I say I don't want to be a stay at home parent doesn't mean I don't love my mom to be around them just means I don't want to be around them. 20
Stephanie Slater:Yes. And they were a bit out like we had, as we said, about two weeks away. And they were even like, you could tell they were overstimulated. They were pretty exhausted.
Will Slater:Yeah, anyway, I don't like to sit still. I also do and the other day, I was literally walking around in circles in the kitchen yesterday. What am I doing with my life? This is awful. I was like, Go, just go to do. But I do. Yeah, I really struggled to switch off.
Stephanie Slater:But do you feel a little bit rested? Like you're ready for like, I feel like I'm ready for this year, I needed just a bit of a cut from all of it. And now, I feel like
Will Slater:I'm ready. But I don't feel that I was needing a massive break. Do you think?
Stephanie Slater:Yeah, I don't know. I was, I was like, I need your space. I need space to breathe. And it's hard to have space to breathe. When you have children. I think that that's what becomes a really tricky situation. When you're looking for reprieve. Things feel really intense. But you just don't get like you get it at about eight o'clock at night. And then you're so tired that all you want to do is call it well i or you can do is either crawl into bed or watch something mindlessly or just do something mind numbing. Like that's what you want. You want silence in the world around you. And then you wake up and do it all over again. So you feel like you get maybe an hour or so reprieve. And so I think
Will Slater:off, it's not like you've had a stressful day at work and or let's just go home and put our feet up. No, you've got to go home. And you've got to manage two toddlers and trying to get them fed bath and into bed, which sounds relatively simple and straightforward. But that is not an easy process.
Stephanie Slater:It's like It's like Mother Nature thought, you know, in that one to two hours before your kids go to bed. I'm going to make that the worst behaviorally for your children. So we'll call that witching hour. Like why not? Let's give it a cool name, called witching hour. And we'll just make sure your children a little devils. And we'll let them run wild and go crazy. And they'll be so tired. But that won't express that they're tired because they don't know how to do that. So they'll be overtired, and they'll send cortisol through their body and run around like maniacs scream, cry, then not want to get in the bath and then be in the bath and not want to get out of the bath and then scream that they called me drawing them say stop drawing me and then it goes on and on and on until finally they're in bed and you close the door. And then you just hear me go up, my toy fell off my bed. You go up very calmly, you get the toy and you put it back in the bed. Say good night. I love you sweet dreams through gritted teeth. And that's what I mean that utter exhaustion. So I was feeling pre holidays. I just needed to switch off from something and I can't switch off for my kids. So I was like, I've got to switch off from work. I just have to not have it all going on at once. And I think I was really good for the first week in a bit. And then I was like, right, okay, I'm itching a little bit too. And then, yeah, today, I was like, Whoa, let's go. I'm excited. I'm really excited for what this is gonna bring. You
Will Slater:and I both very excited about it to the last week has been made a little bit more challenging dialing, shall we say?
Stephanie Slater:Let's just preface it with whilst I'm very open to having this conversation. And I think it's an important conversation. What I'm not open to is having everything blamed on this. I agree. Because we are a team and we both contribute to things. So no doubt this thing is definitely a variable that plays a significant role during this week. However, it is not the be all and end all so we're not going to purely blame it
Will Slater:for those listening and not watching there is an unbelievable death stare. There it is my watch out. This is the line and if you step over it, your head will be cut off my firm and then periods. No, yes.
Stephanie Slater:Well, no, we're talking about periods in life. What happens is actually your uterus falls apart.
Will Slater:What does payments actually stand free
Stephanie Slater:menstrual stress?
Will Slater:premenstrual stress? Well, I wanted to open it I wanted to go deep straightaway. Shit.
Stephanie Slater:Oh, what are you doing? Oh, do we have to go deep at 9am?
Will Slater:Yes. I wanted to start this conversation by reading something to Stephanie. Some that you sent to me the other night?
Stephanie Slater:Oh, hang on a minute. You didn't ask for permission. Is that okay?
Will Slater:For two reasons. One, I thought it was incredibly powerful. I actually didn't believe that you wrote it. When you first sent it to me. I thought that you'd found it somewhere and you'd resonated with it. So you copied and pasted it and sent it to me. Then when you actually explained the next day that you did, in fact right I was quite blown away. So one, I think it's just an unbelievably powerful piece of writing. But number two, I think it is a good segue, it will help us go straight into the DND heavily with me doing that.
Stephanie Slater:Oh, I didn't bring my floaties. But I guess here we are Thinkorswim.
Will Slater:This is a text that Stephanie sent to me the other night
Stephanie Slater:when I was I feel really nervous and anxious about this. I wasn't.
Will Slater:It's a beautiful piece of writing. And I think it encapsulates a lot of what we're about to talk about. So she sent this text to me the other night after you've left the house to get a little bit of fresh air, let's say. And this is what it says. How does one release when they're already overflowing to let go with caution, consideration and pause? How does one do so when the pain is pouring out, gushing out, taking down everything in its path, you can build blockages, keeping things at bay for a time, until the pain does what it does best, smashing through any and every obstacle without a single care for the chaos that ensues. Without care for the vessel from which it came or those watching on it rips through the soul. It breaks the heart and it shatters the body until you feel completely and utterly paralyzed. When all you can do is sit and stare numb twiddle yet with a pounding heart. So fears you feel as though if you did get up, you would tear everything down again. And once enough time has passed and the pain has lessened. It paces it lingers, but it lays dormant. So again, you build your barricade, you swear it will be stronger than before. You have new tools and your mind is sharper. You build the walls higher, you thicken your skin. You tell yourself this time it won't break you. And the pain watches on mockingly teetering on the edge of your cup, but not overflowing. Just sitting there calmly, patiently waiting to shatter your world once again.
Stephanie Slater:Yes,
Will Slater:I think that, obviously, was your way of trying to summarize how you're feeling? Yes.
Stephanie Slater:Yeah, it was, I was trying to find a healthy way to release what? Yeah, what was building inside of me. And I wasn't I didn't know how I felt very, very lost. And so I went for a drive and I went to the beach, and I sat there watching the ocean. But even in that moment, it was getting dark. And say of course, even if the weight, your mental breakdown even has to wait until your kids are in bed and not screaming for you to then have your mental breakdown. This is what you know, it's like hang on a minute moderator just just came together for two more minutes, which just got to humans, then you can completely shut up. So no, it was getting dark. And even in that moment that I got a little bit pissed off with the world because I thought I can't even just sit here calmly and feel safe because I was watching the ocean and it was getting dark. And I just felt very aware of my surroundings. And that I was, you know, sitting on my own a girl on her own a woman on her own. I don't know what not that it matters, but I look like a young person anyway. And so I just felt really uncomfortable. And I thought I really just want to sit here and be, but I don't feel safe now that it's getting quite dark. And then once the sun fully went down, obviously there's lots around that. But I ended up sitting in the car for a little bit as well. And I just thought, Okay, you need to do something like you need to get it out. Right. And I do love to write but I will have like this blockage that. I don't know if I'm not there. I just struggle. And I think now I don't want to write what am I even gonna write, but I really force myself as like you just gonna sit down and just gonna write just just see. And then once I started writing it sort of all came out. And how does that relate to PMS? I think for me, the week leading up well, you know this and you always say to me, you actually said before we even went away. So this is probably just after Christmas. You said to me
Will Slater:before Christmas? No. I said I think the weekend I was planning is going to be difficult. Yeah, I
Stephanie Slater:was like What do you mean? What are you talking about? Yeah, we'll go up. Well, your periods do. I'm like, what, how do I go to my pillpack? And I'm like, counting rows, but Oh, shit. I was like, How did you know? And you're like, well, it's roughly every middle of the month, kind of you know, around that fifth eighth done, and I'm like, I'll be fine. Like. Anyway, the week leading up to your
Will Slater:credit, I think it's worth noting that you are I think it's very brave of you to have the awareness that you have and recognize that. Yes, it is challenging in that work. And as you said before, it's not that it's all the fault of this external thing. I mean, the conversations that we have is that it's not exactly you in that moment. There are these hormonal changes going on that. I think something that we try to do is externalize that and have it it's almost a third party in our relationship. Because it's not. It's not you when I can see when you're in that moment. That's not your at all. That's this other thing, and sort of taken over. To your credit, you have the awareness of that and are prepared to at least acknowledge it in advance, maybe not.
Stephanie Slater:But I think what, what can be really challenging is yes, except that the week leading up to my period, I struggle, I feel very hormonal, I feel out of balance, I, I and I definitely need things in place to help me navigate that because I do I feel very out of balance, that's probably the best way to describe it. But then it's like this. Again, it's like a, and this is me putting it on me. But another layer of pressure that says, You're not yourself, you're not regulated, you're not calm, you're not handling things perfectly, you're not doing all the perfect things that you should be. And now even when something is still out of your control, you still need to get it in control. Do you know what I'm trying to say? Like, it's still another thing was like, even though we're acknowledging that it's this external thing that's happening to me. And it's quite difficult for me to control and there are things I can do, like escalate supplements. But you're not, I mean, there are definitely things I can do. Like I'm even considering doing, whether it's getting a other Reiki with mom or getting something like just to balance me or there's like a massage place. It's like healing, a healing massage. It's not just massage, like if I needed to sort of do that as my thing that's going to help me whether it's midway through that week, like I definitely need to do things for myself to support me in that. But it does just feel like another thing that I'm letting the people around me down in not being able to regulate myself and hold my bags, you know, and hold everyone's bags. So they're interested
Will Slater:in thinking if we can sit in that for a minute, because I That's it not certainly not an expectation that I have of you. But you take on an additional burden because of this. If anything, I feel that the way I'm trying to talk to you about it is to actually take that responsibility off you and say, Hey, this is this is not actually you. This is another thing that I know you don't have any control over. And as a result of that, we can work through it together and develop strategies together. As opposed to you feeling oh, hey, you're telling me you're feeling right now is that it's like, yeah, okay, see this? It's this external thing, but I have to be the one who deals with it.
Stephanie Slater:I think because in the end, I do I have to deal with my emotional outbursts or my physical, you know, outbursts, like I Yeah, are they? And I have to deal with that, because I'm the only one in control of that. And I just feel so exhausted. Like, if I can be honest, I think, say this, the last episode that we had with leading up to my period, so it was sort of like, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, last week, I would say, in the lead up to that there had been moments where it was not really well, if you're going to speak frankly, I will speak frankly, you were in a mood on the Friday. You were in a mood on like the Tuesday you had there had been a number of things that you had when I say you had done, you had behaved in a way where I was trying to keep my call, keep calm. Hold the space for that. That's okay. Don't worry, you don't get it. The kids were really helpful. Sebastian was really difficult in that last bit in Rosebud because he was overstimulated over exhausted all that kind of thing. And then I was also getting my period. So I felt like I was again juggling all these things. And then I just was by the end by the day we got home. I was done. I was like, You know what, I can't keep calm. I can't keep my call. Now. I'm losing my shit. Now I am talking about the cup, you know, overflowing because I was sitting in that right on the precipice of the edge. I was like there. And I was like, you still got it? It's cool. Yeah, you go to that. That's fine. Your initiative mood. No worries. I've got it. Don't worry. Yeah, go take time. Yep. Special. I've got you. Alright, cool. Yeah. Oh, well, you want to spend the hour calming him don't unused definitely don't step in. Don't make a comment. Shut your mouth. Yep. Cool. I'll do that. Yeah, I'll maybe this time, I can just open up now of course, blow up because I stepped in and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, I was trying to regulate all of that. And then it got to a point where I was like, I'm done. Like, my body ain't supporting me in this. And I'm trying my hardest with my mind to, to be in control. And I'm not and I don't feel like I have the support around me. And so bam, all over. All over Red Rover. That's how it felt. So yeah, in the end, I do think it's my responsibility. And then I do feel a lot of shame in when I lose control, because I'm someone who doesn't lose control. So there is a lot of shame in that a lot of shame and guilt tied up with when I lose control.
Will Slater:Yeah, I understand that. And I think your point about my contribution, no doubt, you know, I'm far from perfect. There is no doubt that I am in moods at times and things frustrate me or the kids act in certain ways at different times. Absolutely. That happens. And as an example, when I think it was a Tuesday, whatever it was, I was actually trying to upload the podcast and couldn't access The Internet, we've just upgraded our phones. And for whatever reason, they didn't connect, I couldn't get hotspot working, I literally tried all day. And I was until I went to a cafe at about two o'clock and use their Wi Fi and digital in two seconds. So it definitely frustrated me. And I was in a different sort of mood as a result of that unconscious during this conversation that I'm no doubt going to upset so just bear with me while I upset
Stephanie Slater:me all the audience
Will Slater:got when he entered into enemy territory, and I'm on my own back up soldier with one pistol walking around in enemy territory. So I'm gonna try and do my best here. But I am aware there's plenty of grenades under foot. And I might step on a few. But I feels like in that moment that I think, comparatively, and again, it's not your fault. But I think comparatively, because I don't have those extreme hormone fluctuations. There was a level of consistency throughout the weeks and throughout the month, month to month. So I'm not saying that I'm great consistently, I'm pretty average or shit most of the time, but I'm pretty shit consistently. Every week. I'm pretty short and pretty average. Like that doesn't necessarily shit. I don't have weeks where I'm amazing. And other weeks where I'm totally awful. I'm just pretty consistently average. And so most of the time, you're in a position where that's not an issue or it's predictable. Yeah, or I frustrate you and it's like, okay, well, it's just a dickhead. But then in this particular week, everything that I say or do is like, the end of the earth, the worst thing that any human that's ever existed has ever done. I'm the worst possible husband, the worst possible father that anyone could possibly imagine. And I'm sitting there going, hang on. What the fuck is she talking? Like, yeah, absolutely. I'm not perfect. And I'm not that good. Below average,
Stephanie Slater:but not stop. But
Will Slater:literally 14 days. This is mine turned. 14 days ago, we released a podcast where she said how unbelievably heard she was listened to understood for the first time ever, she felt okay. And she said in that time, you're such a great husband. And last week, we went out for dinner, and I was really trying to understand her love languages, and she's gone. So great. I'm so grateful that you and now she wants to fucking divorce me. In my stupid, moronic monkey brain. I'm going, what the fuck is happening? I really don't understand what's happening. And I try, you know, hour after hour, day after day too. And then it gets to a point I'm like, hang on a minute. This is. So I What the hell does one do? Especially a stupid husband who can't figure out his own shit, let alone your ship. And he's trying to compute these two seemingly opposite ends of this extreme spectrum of one minute. You're a wonderful husband and your great father and albeit a lot to work on. But you do want to write I appreciate the effort. And then literally a few days later, it's like, I want to pack in divorce. You don't say that, but that's basically how it feels.
Stephanie Slater:Yeah.
Will Slater:Please explain.
Stephanie Slater:Today's episode is brought to you by ask you our very own health tech startup that's redefining wellness for moms. If you're trying to juggle everything in life like we are, and want a simple and easy way to stay on top of your health, this is for you. Imagine a daily scoop of wellness crafted based on your unique health needs and delivered right to your doorstep. As clay makes it easy with bespoke supplements tailored to your needs. Ready to transform your health is@esquire.co and book a brief consult with one of our health practitioners. Stay tuned until the end of this episode for an exclusive offer Escalade made just for you. Back to the show. Yes, I imagined that would be very frustrating for you.
Will Slater:It's not even about what was meant. It's just trying to articulate I know it's feels like from this side of the fence and then drying, trying to do my best to support it. Again, like most of the things without a toolkit without an understanding of what it feels like without that deep emotional resonance with what you're going through and how it feels. And trying to be as patient and as understanding as possible and feeling like you're doing a reasonable job of that, but then it clearly not being able to support you. So I know you probably don't know what you need in that moment. But I think it's on both of us to try to find solutions or strategies to handle that situation as best we can. Yeah,
Stephanie Slater:it's well I'm not Saying it you I understand situation?
Will Slater:Yeah, I think seems helpless doesn't it seems like a totally helpless situation. There are a few situations in life, I feel helpless. That's one of them.
Stephanie Slater:Very dramatic. You're going to say without a doubt every month, it's that bad. I don't know if I agree. I think definitely I don't think you can take into account or you can take into account but generalize the last few months of last year, because I think even in non PMS times, I wish I was saying to you, it's all getting a bit much like I'm struggling with just the instability of a lot of things around us. I need time I need like, we were talking about that there was a lot of it was just hard. I would say the last probably three months of the year were a bit just hard. I don't know how to explain it. It was hard. Those three months of PMS were exacerbated 100%, I would say. And I definitely. I feel like there are times when I can handle it better than I do. I believe that there is an ability to be a bit more in control of it that I have been of late. And I think it's how I take care of myself in that week and what I feel myself with and what I because the issue with me is when I'm emotional, I don't want to eat, then that's obviously a vicious cycle, because then I'm feeling really lethargic. And I get headaches and all that kind of thing. So I think it's how I feel myself, I think it's doing something like I haven't done any of my Pilates and I find that that just makes such a difference to me. It really does. So I haven't done any Pilates I've been running, which let's just add that in quickly. I've done now three 5k runs, but like I didn't do a run, haven't run probably for a week now. And I haven't done any Pilates
Will Slater:during that week, though. Like is it something that is yeah, it's more like the day
Stephanie Slater:before. And then the day of that I that I'm like, Oh, I could just lay down like leave me alone. And I know that your sister was talking to me about and I need to look into this as well. But she was saying actually, I think it was like the day before or even a few days before you shouldn't really do anything. But the date the day of is apparently when your body is able to like, expend more energy and that kind of thing. So I should talk to her about like what the training looks like around period. Because that's another thing that we don't I guess we don't talk about. And that's why we want to talk about PMS a to normalize it not make it this taboo thing because I do have a lot of shame wrapped up in my behavior in that week. Whether it's just that I'm irritable, I can't handle this. I'm so emotional, it exhausts me, like it really tires me out. And I think that's what I'm sort of saying in that poem. It's like, you become so tired and numb, and I do I just sit on the ground. And I just kind of stare and I just feel so lost and my body can't move. But my mind is going my mind is saying get up do this, do that. But then it's not. It's such a negative self talk. So it's like get up just to bash things, throw the pillow around, like, release whatever's going through you, like coursing through your veins, release it, find a way to release it or sit here numb. So I kind of just sit there helpless, like numb, I don't know, I'm so stuck. So that's really challenging. So I think I need to find ways to support me in that. And as I said, maybe it's just that self care in that week. So I know I've got when I say a massage, because I follow these people, but you know, where it's where they're releasing those toxins and those that and I am a bit energy woowoo. So I like that kind of thing. So whether it's, you know, doing something that's going to like release all of that and bring positive energy back into and clear the mind a little bit and allow you space for, you know, whatever, whatever it may be. I think that that would be powerful. So that's something I would like to look into. Obviously, everything's money. So that's makes us hesitant, like you want to do jujitsu, but you know, it's like a, hey, that's going to be this cost. And we're in a startup phase right now where we were trying to invest all of our money into the business. So it's tricky, but also I think we've always said, our mental health comes first. And so if it's going to serve our mental health, we're going to be better for the business anyway. We're happy to sort of make adjustments here and there financially in order to support us to be the best workers we can be. best entrepreneurs. Yeah,
Will Slater:I was gonna ask what, what do you need from me? Or what do you love
Stephanie Slater:asking that question? Do you do or do I need from you? Because it's hard question. No, no, no. Well, no, it's
Will Slater:just always like, puts it on you. Yeah.
Stephanie Slater:And I know that that's not you trying to do it just means I have to think more again.
Will Slater:I think what we need to do there, how do I but I think what
Stephanie Slater:we need to i There's everything I think it comes down to education and awareness. Like I'm not even educated around pm I remember being quite young. And I mean, I've got my period quite young, but I remember being quite young and Mum, I don't know if Mum suffered from PMS or what but she used to always have no, now the word is going to escape me that captures something oil. Oh my gosh, people who are mum, you'll know what I'm talking about. But what were they wrote? No, not raising oil. What were they? And you take them for PMS. And I remember she would say you know, why don't you tell? And I don't know if it's because I had PMS then I have no idea. But it was just to support you support you Mood Support, all that kind of thing. But we don't talk to young girls. I mean, we put them on the pill, which then masks so many symptoms surely that's
Will Slater:not how During a positive effect on know, things like PMS,
Stephanie Slater:oh 100%? Well, I should say hundreds, I don't know. But I, I'm quite I'm quite certain that it because of the way it adjusts like your estrogen and does all that kind of thing. Its effect it's, it's a synthetic hormone. So you're putting a synthetic hormone in your body to try to regulate. And good. Wow, exactly. So there's that. And I've been on it for oh my gosh, since I was gonna, I was gonna say 16. And it might have even been no, it was younger, because I was working so maybe four to add it, I was young. Because I had excruciating, awful period pain, mind, you never looked into endometriosis, LP cos or anything like polycystic ovary syndrome or anything like that. And actually, it wasn't until the end and nutritionist said to me, I'm pretty sure it was land, like that might be something if you decide to go off the pill, you might need to look into that. Because that could be why you're getting such pain. So anyway, that's a whole other thing. So I guess, and I'm not trying to pull women, but there's just all these layers to it. So as a young girl, you go on the pill, you're not really told about what what your period does to understand, yeah, the lining of the uterus and that, and you'll bleed every month. And this is what you eat, and all that kind of thing. But I don't remember ever being taught about the sort of emotional things that occur, or even the hormone changes that occur in you during all the phases because there's really I still don't know, there's something called a luteal phase. I don't know anything about it. But it's, I think that that's pre and it's just all all stuff that happens during mid throughout the cycle. Like it's insane. It's just so so much and we're not taught that. And then we have, again, it's the same with postnatal, all these fluctuations in your body. And we're just expected to carry on, not understood not truly understanding what's happening. And yes, you can go and do your own research, but you don't really know what you're reading or understanding. And so I think that there's such a lack of support in that area. So I know for me, I get really frustrated at myself, like why the hell aren't I handling this? Why am I so emotional, just get over it. And then that, like adds another layer again of impatience, or intolerance, or whatever it might be. And then you're still trying to just deal with the stresses of everyday life anyway, what do I need? I? And the thing is, I'm very lucky, because you are incredibly understanding. I know, you say, oh, there's not another person alive, who would question whether parenting at home is hard or whatever. But it's the same way you say up, but it's a period and as if it's not external. And there are many a man who would be like, Oh, she's doing a period, man. She's been a bitch. Like, there's that there's that conversation? And then there's a conversation that you have, which are very, very, very different. So you are very unique in that. And I said that before? Yes, you're a good husband. We love you. Yes, you're looking at me, like say, I'm not the
Will Slater:least bad got this record, record to in a moment. But do you understand what I'm saying? I do understand what you're saying. Yeah, I do. Think it's, it's very challenging. It's challenging. Obviously, it's challenging for you. Psychologically, physiologically, and I think it's challenging as a couple in relationally.
Stephanie Slater:Inter relational, interrelate. interpersonally. Yeah, that's probably relationally. That sounds not wrong.
Will Slater:It just puts an enormous amount of strain and pressure on the relationship, and I don't necessarily
Stephanie Slater:like it
Will Slater:to be preferable if it wasn't the case, but it's also necessary to procreate and to have a family. So, I mean, yeah, you gotta take the good with the bad. So I'm not upset by the fact that it occurs. Don't necessarily wish it didn't occur, because it would mean that we don't have children. Which, although they're challenging at times, I still love them and I'm glad they're around. So it is, it is part and parcel with the realities of procreation, having a family having children, you have to have that reproductive system within you. That means that this is the reality. I don't know how many women deal with PMS, whether it's a lot of women on fue I'm not sure. But I certainly know in our situation dealing with it. It's challenging. I know mum dad dealt with it as well. I don't know if they've got any great strategies dad said he was always going to get a place the other side of town and just pop out there for the week. That's a good strategy.
Stephanie Slater:But you know, what would be so like even it that I don't know that's joke it's quite funny
Will Slater:probably would be beneficial, though. Wouldn't it would be beneficial
Stephanie Slater:if the mother got the reprieve Oh, then, but I'm just saying isn't it so funny, like oldest remove myself, like Nikki, my best friend would always say the Homer Simpson Simpson thing where he like, disappears into the bush.
Will Slater:But like, Is that so? So? So you
Stephanie Slater:would not be able to do a week on your own with the kids? Although maybe we
Will Slater:would figure it out for the week, nor would that be actually beneficial if you went and had three or four nights away each month? No, I don't think I catch up during the day and work out Have you not see? So? That's I don't
Stephanie Slater:know, I don't think I need nights away from home. But I do think, I don't know, I don't have the I really don't have the answers. I know that I haven't been great lately. And I know that it's really well, I wrote the poem, you just read it out. Like, clearly, it's very clear that I haven't been coping, and I'm feeling at capacity. And the holidays, were meant to, you know, pour a bit of that water out so that I had more space again. And I do feel that way. But I think that obviously, when I'm in the week leading up to I struggle, and maybe it feels rather quickly in that week, so I just have to find strategies. And I think like, we have our session with lunch here tomorrow, I think I want to look into some healing stuff that I can do. I just found my oracle cards again, because we still had a few things in boxes a year and a half later. And all of our books are in boxes, and I realized I've been looking for my arrow cards everywhere. Anyway. And last night, we was it last night, nightfall, we found them. And I actually did a spread. And it was very powerful and very on point. It's like sometimes I just need that. What it's a very calming meditative process as well. Like, you see it you breathe, you hold your cards, you do a thing, you talk, you talk to angels anyway, people are gonna be like, What the hell are you talking about? And then you do a spread? That's kind of deal. Yeah, that's what I just said. But you're looking at the laptop doing something else. So you miss that part of the conversation. But yes, I did a spread, which is past, present, future and then the overall message, and it was just very much the past, I didn't really understand my past card, but it was thinking of you. That was like what the thing was, but then the present was around healing. And then the future was around like abundance and all prosperity and then the overall message was love. And I'm sure I'm abbreviating. But that was like the, you know, the general gist and I just really was like, the like the even the overall message because it's like, what's the overall thing that your angels are trying to tell you in this moment? And the mantra when you read about it was like, love heals all love is everything Love will conquer level calm, love will level level. And it was like, yes. Okay, choose love choose, you know,
Will Slater:that will take away from that. What message do you take from that? From that card reading that love section that what does that mean? How do you interpret that? What does it mean? Like
Stephanie Slater:that love is the answer. Practically. He just asked me questions sometimes that I'm like, it's not even the wavelength I'm on right now. Like, I'm not impractical. I mean, spiritual.
Will Slater:I'm trying to ground you in practicality.
Stephanie Slater:I'm always in practicality. Allow me a moment in spirituality. You know, what does it mean to choose love like that? What like, what, what do you mean? What does it mean? Fifth? Don't fight, don't yell, try and find peace. Like what what? What does it mean to you what? You're asking me how I enact the love.
Will Slater:Maybe it's a reminder that people do love you. And that's exactly what I said, though. Okay. I'm musta missed it.
Stephanie Slater:So frustrating. Yes, you missed it. Because you were looking at
Will Slater:your laptop. I was looking at something I'm about to say that was all.
Stephanie Slater:That's like talking to someone who's not actually listening to hear. They're listening to speak.
Will Slater:I disagree, but move on.
Stephanie Slater:Anyway, that's my story. What do you want to say? What are you so busy choosing
Will Slater:love you? I think that's, I think that's important. And I think the thing that I often tell you, when we're in the heat of that moment, is that I love you and I'm not leaving you. Yes. And maybe that's part of what that chart is. Just remember, in those moments,
Stephanie Slater:it's just hard. It's hard when you're in that moment and feeling so overwhelmed with pain. That's what it feels like. Feel it's hard to see anything but read. Pardon the pun.
Will Slater:But the thing I was going to read out to you is just a little strategy that I thought we haven't brought this up with.
Stephanie Slater:One of these slides don't live on a friggin bomb dropped. So the goal is what are you going
Will Slater:to bed at friggin 730 at night and headaches and so I also just learned about how to be better in a relationship I
Stephanie Slater:was so I felt so sick for those few days like my migraines
Will Slater:at that same time.
Stephanie Slater:Well see that's the thing. So what the hell's going on with my boat like anyway? I don't
Will Slater:know you run a health companies figure it out. We get someone you can go. Well,
Stephanie Slater:I'm telling you when we do have a solution for PMS. It's going to be I mean, we can we can make that anyway. But I'm going to have a focus I think. Yeah, we need like a focused supplement on PMS. I agree and have that personalized for each person because I need it. That's what that's what we're going to talk to practitioners about. Because genuinely I'm starting with me as the guinea pig like make me something that is going to be exceptional to support me in that premenstrual phase.
Will Slater:Told you any target for that week.
Stephanie Slater:I know. They can tell me the best way to do that is because it might be on top of my dailies, I don't know. But make it good
Will Slater:to get it before Well, the 10th It'd be ideal, a little strategy for us to deal with possibly in the heat of those moments when it gets really chaotic.
Stephanie Slater:So where are these learnings from? I'm
Will Slater:interested in this feedback from you. Where are these learnings from? They're from a few different places. This one in particular was from Jordan Peterson. Oh,
Stephanie Slater:everyone's favorite. I actually quite like him. Even though sometimes he says things. I did come downstairs one day, and, like, laid with will and cuddled him after had been a big day. And I looked at the TV, and it was something the YouTube thing you were watching was like, how to have a successful marriage or something. Like, I was like, oh, right, at that point, YouTubing tips to survive. I shouldn't laugh because it's so good that you're always trying to find strategies. And you know, it's, it's great. You don't give up.
Will Slater:piss out of it. Hi, you're in bed. And I'm trying to learn,
Stephanie Slater:I said, it actually is fabulous. It's very good. You want to learn with everything, everything in your life. If you don't understand it, you want to learn. That's what makes you so bloody great. Okay,
Will Slater:what is all this stuff here to play back to you. This is when things get too heated. And we're at loggerheads, which often happens during the course of that week happens at other times, too, maybe not as extreme. We should leave each other divorced and leave each other physically leave the scene of the crime. So if we're fighting in the kitchen, we should both go to two other rooms of the house. I don't know what happens with the kids. Put the TV on. Yeah, whatever. Just have them dealt with TV goes on. We leave the scene of the crime, we go to two separate rooms of the house. And we sit in those rooms. And we stay there. And we think about here's what we do we meditate on this idea. Not literally like I'm but like thinking about this. So having this, we're having this stupid argument. We definitely believe that the other person is wrong. That's definite, guaranteed. I think you're wrong. You think I'm wrong? Okay. Understood. But there is probably some possibility that we may have done something in the recent past, or the distant past that made this argument somewhat more likely. To albeit that we're right, there might be a slight, little glimmer that there was something that we'd done previously that made this more likely. So even though we know the other person's mostly wrong, what did I do, imperfectly at some stage, to increase the possibility of this fight or this argument? And we stay in that room? And we think about it until we have an answer. Once we have an answer, instead of going and saying it to the other person, we text it to them to actually write down which forces us to think about it a bit more clearly. I
Stephanie Slater:think it also uses a different part of your brain in that moment, probably
Will Slater:write it down, and actually send it to the other person. And then we communicate via text until we've got some sort of resolution and then we rejoin physically,
Stephanie Slater:I don't mind that. I actually actually don't mind that. And I quite like the idea of texting and I know it might seem maybe immature or whatever. But I do think sometimes I am better with words like written word than I am. Because I the emotion. It's harder to convey that emotion. So yes, you might come across cold. But unless I'm going fucking like unless I'm doing that, right, which I don't, because when I'm writing it, I feel very uncomfortable writing it. Whereas maybe if I'm in the head of omocha, you know, I can how can check
Will Slater:yourself? Yeah, so I actually wasn't just saying something. And
Stephanie Slater:I didn't say that. Yeah. And you say things also, that you're just saying, it's just it's your stream of consciousness just being blurted out. Like there's no filter. It's sort of how Ricky Gervais says everyone has a thought you can't control the thought. So I think in that moment, your thoughts just pour out? Well, for me, I should say for me, the thoughts just pour out. And I'm just saying whatever that emotion, whether it's fear or anger or whatever, whatever that brings out, I'm saying I'm not filtering it. I'm not questioning it. I'm just saying it. And I think if I sit and write and as I'm writing it, I'd reread it and probably think, Oh, that's not really what I think or feel or whatever it might be. So I think, yeah, it uses a different part of the brain. It allows you to filter a little bit more, actually quite like that. Good strategy.
Will Slater:I think we should start doing it. I think we should start doing it. Always. Yeah, when we get to that point, but I think especially during the course of that week, yeah. Do you think that would work for you? Yeah, in that week?
Stephanie Slater:Yeah. Well, I mean, all I can do is try I think What's hard is sometimes when you're in the thick of it, how do you use the logic part of your brain to remain that's where I struggle. It's like I go into simple I always forget limbic brain like your reptilian brain, your emotional yield. It's like, I go fight or flight which Lucia has spoken about.
Will Slater:And that's why the physical aspect of going in separate rooms sitting down, not necessarily thinking about the fight or who's done what, but thinking about what have I done in the past that's possibly led to this situation? I
Stephanie Slater:would argue that I do though, leave a lot. Leave the room, I'll often go to our bedroom. I'll often just sit in the room.
Will Slater:Yeah, I think the difference with this is that often, and I do the same, we go separate ways. And probably what consumes the majority, is how much the other person's done the wrong thing. I've done nothing wrong, they're totally responsible. And then often come back and say, You know what, I've had some time to think about
Stephanie Slater:and these are all the other things for this, this this, isn't it? Yeah. No,
Will Slater:I know. So I think I had that. I've had some time to think about also this, this and this. But I was gonna say, like you said,
Stephanie Slater:Do you think he can do it? In that moment? I do think I can, because I often do remove myself the challenge or the Yeah, the challenge for me will be sitting in that space, and then inwardly reflecting and questioning, okay, what was my contribution? Because as you said, we normally go, I'm gonna think of everything you did wrong to back up why I'm feeling this way. Yeah, justifies. It's gonna be Yeah, just gonna come from a place of not defense. I think that's I just get very, like, I have to defend myself. That is probably the guilt and the shame. And why am I reacting this way? This isn't me. And I hate that I'm doing this. But I'm only doing this because you did this and did it. And that caused me to be this way. And so it's just like calming, calming the nervous system. I've got to find things to really calm myself. And I don't I don't have those strategies at the moment in that period of my, you know, cycle. I don't have the strategies. I don't know how to calm myself and I think get out of the house, go somewhere do this. And I don't know where to go. And I feel really lost. And then I go to walk out of the house, I think where the hell am I going? What are we gonna do sit in the park and cry. And so the other night actually forced myself I was like, you're going to go to the beach, you're going to sit and watch the waves. You have to you have to do this. You have to calm yourself. And it did, it calmed me. But then again, it was not I got scared. I was like, Okay, I need to
Will Slater:sort of fortunately live across the road from a park. So you could always
Stephanie Slater:I know, but it's almost like it doesn't feel like this. Because it's like a light show quite like this people playing in that park. So like, I just I don't know, it's not quite what I need. The beach is my plate. They'd love the beach. Anyway. Yes. Okay. Great strategy. Do you have any more?
Will Slater:No, but one of the No particular strategies. But one other little tidbit that I thought is worth mentioning? Yes. A rule of thumb to remind put into place. If we're going to talk about something that needs to be addressed right now. That needs to be fixed in the future. We don't get to drag up the past.
Stephanie Slater:Hey, say that one more time,
Will Slater:we're going to deal with something now that needs to be fixed going forward. We're not able to bring up anything that happened in the past. So there's not this sort of profiling of, but you've done this before, or you won't change because of this isn't this, we have to say, right? We're dealing with this. This is what we want to do. I think that's the
Stephanie Slater:both of us thing, though, because I often I'm saying you but I'm not I'm no I know. But I often will say it's about now it's not about clean slate every time. Good.
Will Slater:Good. Maybe we should have a PMS expert on the show. Let's find one. We actually have is this. Anyone knows a PMS expert?
Stephanie Slater:What makes a PMS expert? Probably like a woman's health. Well, I mean, we've got lots of them. Yeah, let's have a
Will Slater:look. Psychologist or someone who sort of specializes Yeah, cyclist
Stephanie Slater:as in not ours. The one that I won't say the name, but that is our advisory
Will Slater:board. should
Stephanie Slater:do it. Anyway. Well, just a few like last things. PMS is no joke. It's quite hard. Were trying to navigate through that. Share your experiences with us if you feel comfortable, because I'd love Well, first of all, I'd love to know if I'm alone or not. I don't think Stephanie
Will Slater:I've got one females PMS problems. 100.
Stephanie Slater:But and also just strategies that you use. And I think it's really helpful if we can talk about that. But also a segue into saying, have a health expert, we have some exciting, very exciting guests coming on our podcast this year. We've got quite a few bookings already, and we're building it and building it. So expect to see some new names on the BNB corner. Because we're hoping this year will be chats with us and also some expert chats that you can learn a lot from.
Will Slater:We'll still do our weekly when Jeff MC is coming on here in Toronto so that our own problems live on air. We'll also have, well whatever the frequency is, we'll find out
Stephanie Slater:Yeah, yep. We our first one is really exciting, though. Not going to share anything yet, but it's really exciting. It's gonna be like what how what? I'm excited. Anyway, thanks for joining us.
Will Slater:And good luck out there.
Stephanie Slater:It's wild. Good luck. Hopefully, you know. I know you want to do something for yourself, go get yourself a massage, but
Will Slater:it's great to be here. is a good I think it's, it's worth acknowledging the bravery to sit here and have this conversation and not being too offended by NPD just comments around literally air all my
Stephanie Slater:dirty laundry to the public, not including my vulnerable poll. Thank you. All right. All right. Bye. Thank you for listening all the way to the end of the b&b corner. Brought to you by Escalade. As a way for us to say thank you, we are offering the first 50 mums free consult and your first month's product free. All you need to do is visit escalade.co. Schedule a concert with one of our practitioners and enter the promo code BB consult. Take your first step towards personalized wellness with Escalade today