After a long overdue update on the business, we tackle both a juicy and controversial topic - marital arguments. Or fighting for us regular folk! Like most topics, we come at it with different perspectives, but by the end, we both share enlightened views and reach a rather emotional outcome.
Expect to learn why we believe 'fighting' is a privilege, why revealing your true self is so difficult and how we overcome day to day challenges with our 'family board meeting'.
No guests today, just the OG's - Stephanie & Will.
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Head to askle.co now and use the code at the end of the episode to access a free consult & your first month's product free!
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info@askle.co
After a long overdue update on the business, we tackle both a juicy and controversial topic - marital arguments. Or fighting for us regular folk! Like most topics, we come at it with different perspectives, but by the end, we both share enlightened views and reach a rather emotional outcome.
Expect to learn why we believe 'fighting' is a privilege, why revealing your true self is so difficult and how we overcome day to day challenges with our 'family board meeting'.
No guests today, just the OG's - Stephanie & Will.
Exclusive offer
Head to askle.co now and use the code at the end of the episode to access a free consult & your first month's product free!
Follow us
B&B Corner Instagram
Asklé Instagram
Stephanie Instagram
Will Instagram
Get in touch
info@askle.co
Hey listeners before we jump into today's episode of the b&b corner, a quick shout out to our startup ask Lee. If you're a mom looking for personalized nutrition that fits into your busy life, visit escalade.co today, and stay tuned until the end for an exclusive offer just for our listeners. Love me more. Yeah, I feel like I'm gonna have a video. Well, you're doing a lot of stuff for me. You're really trying in a lot of ways for me, are we gonna sit back and enjoy this one? Well, we need to wrap it up because getting to be long, but we do know, it was never going to be a long winded thing. As soon as you start saying the things that I've been doing well, it's by Yeah, but we need to wrap this thing up. So I'll make it quick and costly. Do No, listen. I was never gonna make it overly complimentary. Relax. Hello. I'm doing that. Hi. Hello. Hi. Well, hello. Are we doing? Oh, played that I anyway. It's been a while since it's been just you and I hasn't been cheers a little bit empty. We're just the two of us. And I do people want to hear from Justice anymore. Unlikely. Too bad. Too bad. Yeah, sure. We'll do what we want. If you don't like it, turn us all day on. No, stay on. We can't lose you. Yes, just you and I. So usually we would record our guest interviews. But this week we've had we have a gap back to the line Rangers. Back to the OJ. Good. Original gang. If that's what you're not sure everybody knows. And moms. Yes. Welcome back. Good to good to chat. You too. You're just the tools. First, a couple of interesting interviews, which we've personally loved. We've got plenty more coming. I think most weeks. Yes, folks will have an interview. Yeah. And we'll probably start recording a call a solo duo. Yeah, our chats solo episode with us as well. Yeah. So stick to having a few episodes. Well, we'll have a one episode a week of you and I and one episode a week of a guest. That's the aim. Don't hold us for him. Because yeah, we have we actually have some really incredible guests coming up, but they have been fun. Like we were we were super excited that our first interview was Chloe and Phil. They were they were called. That was what really no way to get into it. Yeah. And then we'll just casual conversation, but quite impactful. And then Dr. Chris. Well, bloody hell. Very interesting. Very, very interesting. Opening, little bit a little bit scary. Some of the things he said. Not necessarily true, totally unknown. If you start researching in that area. Who else have we got coming up? Don't mention names of areas. So we have a phenomenal female entrepreneur. Mum coming on next week. I sat next week. Yeah. Oh, wow. We have different, like industry experts. Well, we can set you know, like we have a couple of psychologists and then sort of nutritional experts as well. Psychology nutrition coming on. Chinese medicine, Chinese medicine. We've got some amazing sort of entrepreneur business people, both female and male. So we've got some good, some really exciting episode. Yeah, a couple of big names coming out there. I think they're a little bit later, then. We'll watch these days. It's very accepting. Or have we been on to Stephanie? Well, we haven't updated everyone on the business a little one. So we thought we would update this morning and then we'll get into a juicy topic. What do we do best, which is air our dirty laundry. On the business front? Well, it feels like a whirlwind. Like we're only mid Feb. And I feel like a lot has happened. Big significant kind of things. I think first and foremost. I don't know if we had mentioned that we were doing a powder. And we've we're really excited because we now have it down to one scoop once a day. It's always what we wanted. We didn't want it to be multiple things. We didn't want you to have to take something you know, three times a day and all that sort of jazz and drove all transparency. We were very very unhappy with it. I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet. Okay. Hey, yeah, tell the story. Like take the scenic route right? To get to know what you got to say we're sorry, happy we got this once a day. One scoop once a day. Sweet, got the powder sweet. Had our family and friends even had a couple of customers as in they're all customers but like new kind of people delivered it and a few of our family and friends we tried theirs because we know hey, let's see because the individual nature of this product I think And that needs to be made really clear because every single person's product is unique to them. It's not like you have this standard dosage of everything. And it's I was like, Okay, well, we know we put x amount of this, this and this. So therefore, when we put Y amount of this, this in this account does that. And so we're good for, that hasn't made a product before, which was also us, but also a Health Medicine product, not just like, a t shirt, making something that is customized to every individual is a freaking nightmare. absolute nightmare, because there is no consistency anywhere. No two person has the same ingredients. No two person has the same tastes. No two person has the same color. No two person has the same amount. No ingredients, even though you do them in the same volume, actually weigh the same. So if you get two grams of one ingredient and two grams of another. Yeah, they actually ye totally different things. signer Yeah, yeah. denser. So it is. Yeah. And we're trying to get our head around it, like our lead pharmacist will say to us, he does not hate you at all. No, he's fat. And he is just sewn on fabulous. Oh, my gosh. But he will say okay, well, we'll talk about the scripts. And we really wanted it as this, you know, one scoop once a day. And so we were like, Okay, well, we'll get a scoop made. And here's a here. But that scoop is not necessarily the same scoop that the other person will have because they're scoop might wait, you know, and we're like, What do you mean? It's just a scoop, like, just please let us have one scoop. What's the solution? Get every customer to have a set of scales. But that's also like, we have sorted that out, though. Like we know, because we've added which I'll get rather than jumping jumping ahead. So we thought we'd nailed it. We were like sweet, we've got this one skit once a day. Because we've done the work in the background to make sure that it can be one skewed by addicts anyway. Try to hit some people are so kind, like, let's say probably a couple of them. We've had some men try it. Oh, no, like it's fine. Yeah, like, it's, it's okay, you know, it's good enough like it's medicine. So in the end, I'll take it. I actually went around to a few people's houses when we dropped them off and to try it in front of me like I want to, I want to see what it's like, and then had to drink it. They'd put it in a glass, stare it up, and then they would drink it and I'd watch them. And I'd sort of watch their face go like a little bit of a paler shade of water. They'd be like, yeah, it's okay. But then we've had like, bless my mom, because I want the honest feedback. And even another girlfriend of mine, this other girlfriend. She's like, it is disgusting. I open the lid, the smell, makes me gag. She was just like, she put it in a glass of coke to try and just eliminate the taste awful. And the reason it's so incredibly awful is because a it's therapeutic dosage. So what that means is the amount that we can put in there is, you know, sometimes three times four times higher than what is off the shelf. So B vitamins in particular become so incredibly bitter. And they have the strongest flavor. And we were talking to our lead naturopath. And when we told her about this, because we've now got our consistent meetings with her. And when we told her she was like, Oh, that would have been awful. And we were like, wow, we're really like Where were you last year when we needed you. So anyway, they have had just this awful, awful supplement for anyone it does a great job like it works. Like it's never a problem. And when we went from capsules to powder, we didn't we obviously brought a new variable in which is well a couple of variables, taste, texture and smell. And we didn't really consider whether they would be having any impact at all because the UFC was great the thing will will work or make you feel a lot better and improve your health. But looking back that's Hearing you say that I'm like, How the hell did we not think of that? How the hell do we think? Oh, yeah, tracking your powder, and you'll be good. So anyone who's received product from us, we're sorry? Well, well, we've we've worked on yes, we've got a beautiful base now of flavoring with fruit and veg, all natural, gives it a beautiful red color. Pinky purpley red, probably Deep Purple, actually a deep purple color. And we've sorted the flavor. And so we're replacing everyone's product. But yeah, it was quite a quite an adventure. We spoke to our advisor, and we were asking him about the flavor. He was like, Don't worry about it like it's medicine, no big deal. And then we rang him and we said some people have tried it and they don't want to take it again. He was like, let's just send a friend along to our next meeting. And we'll taste this and so we brought it to the next meeting. He takes us how many guys? That's awful. Yeah, that we need to fix that immediately. But that's another thing with what we're doing. You can't get samples. So we're actually sampling people's dosages. Like we're taking someone's prescription, getting it in a small amount and trialing that and we're, you know, we actually figured out the max dose of every ingredient across every customer that we've had and put that into one so that was as bad as ever gonna get So really be and use that as a sample. But again, that's not everyone's ingredients like we could have someone next week that comes on and then has a specific thing that needs some ingredient. And so it's it's gonna be an interesting journey TLDR it's hard when you're saying yes, so he tried to, like, try to get over the Z or whatever they want after them or what, after January. But the good news is that we now know how to do once here once a day, we now have a palatable flavor we did. We never want to market it as flavor. Some like we don't really like our pineapple flavor. But, you know, that's not what it is. It's medicine. But we want it to be neutral and palatable. So now it's not, it's it's like it's good. It's not like you crave it, you don't get on with God's most delicious drink I've ever had. So Milo it's not coke either. Yeah, but I think it's, I'm proud, I'm really proud of how far we've got it has been easy bill we got there. And then there's been this urgency around, because we're working on the design and the product, or the packaging and things like that. And we've been gifting a few of our, you know, loyal customers, or just people that you know, anyway. And then we thought, Oh, we don't even have packaging. We don't have like the things we need to do this. Because what we will do, we will try to do eco friendly, but like, let's be honest, it looked well was what we had, it looks crap, we now have eco friendly and beautiful looking. So we've been able to at least tick that box. But what we were putting it out in we feel like we can not give that like imagine opening now be like, Oh, this just this plastic wipe pharmacy tub with a pharmacy label. Don't even ask like, we're positioning the brand, as a luxury premium brand. And we're giving people this plastic tub plastic. Because I think though what's really important though, to emphasize is that it still is, even if it came in this plastic tub. It is a premium product. Because the ingredients are such high quality, the ingredients themselves are in their active forms, which means your body actually can absorb them. So you're not getting these sort of inactive forms that your body then has to convert into active to then utilize, you know that whole conversation around the MTHFR gene, folic acid versus folate, needing the bioavailable form like none of our ingredients are synthetic. When I say synthetic that your body can't convert. They might be synthetic in the sense of their lab made. But they allowed me to be bioidentical. So they're more expensive. That's why your elevates and your Blackmores in those kinds of brands are you can get them for $30 Because not only are they standard dosages that don't actually have any impact on you. The quality of the actual vitamin and mineral is shit. So So as Chris mentioned last week, all of those companies are owned by major pharmaceutical companies. So what do you think they're putting in them? Yeah. Cheap, nasty shit. That yeah, mass manufacturing? And I guess I think is you think you have to take it because hey, it's a multi. So you're like, Okay, well, I'll just keep taking and you take it every single day and you keep buying that bottle after bottle but having no impact on you, but you don't know what you should be feeling. You know what I mean? I think so we're very excited by our product, it's going to bloody change the world. And we have a very potentially exciting colab. Yeah, but we're not going to say a single thing about that, William, we're not. But it could be very exciting. It's very close to my heart. We're looking to launch the brand officially. That's a new groundwork coming sort of mid year, let's say maybe it just bit earlier. But let's learn potations Yeah, but we could be having an exciting. It's yeah, I can't even begin to tell you how things are just moving. It's so crazy. You can go a hole. It's the whirlwind of the entrepreneurial land. It's so intense. It's the ups and I think I've spoken about this before. So I'm sorry. I probably sound like I'm beating a dead horse. But that is not the thing is that it works. But what's the thing? Yeah. Is that? I mean, that works. Yeah, if the horse is dead, there's no point beating it beating a dead horse. Hmm. That sounds mean to anyway. Go on over the bat. You just go from? What are we doing? This is so hard financial instability. Screw this. Where do I get a part time job? Like all these kinds of thoughts? Who really? It's so easy. What does Hermoza call it? The valley of despair? No. The valley of death on valley of death. Goodbye more than despair. Yes, this idea? Well, you can talk to it. Because I think that's like I was in that I was thinking, Well, you have this cake. I think when anyone has a new idea or starts a new venture, you have this peak of uninformed optimism. So you have no idea what's ahead of you. You're hugely excited about this idea and this concept and everyone says it's great and so you just you just on this massive heart and that's probably where we were the first half to three. So let's like make this real reflection of where we're at. So in that we were like we've got this idea of a personalized suffered why shouldn't everyone have something that's totally personalized made them to ridiculous you have to buy off the shelf. Let's go do it. Everyone's like, that's great. I love that idea. Cole. Let's go do it. Let's do it. So you have this hot and then you have this almost immediate drop, where you start to get rejection after rejection after rejection, after rejection, even form pessimism. So you still don't know what you know. But every single barrier, and objection just gets thrown in your face. So that's like going to I remember that first ever warehouse we went to who was food grade powders, because originally I was like, Mmm, food grade Whole Foods, like not even just know little little that right? So we've got this concept, we're gonna make a personalized offer for every single customer. So what we want to do is we'll send you the orders, and you individually make each customer's orders as they come. So what do you recommend? He just stopped? He looked at us. And he basically laughed us out of the room. He was like, Are you kidding? There is no way that I can do that. If you want 100,000 of them? Sure. Who would like we have gallons of the ingredient. So let's say it's beetroot powder. I have this huge keg that sits up the top of this warehouse, that I then get my forklift driver to come in. Dough up, grab it off the shelf, bring it down, you think I'm going to take one teaspoon? For your one client? Yeah, kid. So we were like, oh, okay, maybe this isn't as easy as we thought. And you go to this person, you go to this person, and they're like, surgeon with a pharmacist who's like, that sounds great. Awesome. When can we start? I've probably got some availability in about 12 months time. But hang on, let's be real. That person was one. Everyone else was like not not all said yes. But actually didn't really get what we were doing yet. So it was like, shit, who's actually who actually can make this for us. So that uninformed pessimism, pessimism where we started to go. Not only do we not know what we don't know, because we're not in this industry. There's no one who will help us like we're screwed. We don't know what we're doing. And we don't know who can help us. But we still got a really good idea. And then you happen to meet some amazing people on someone who gives you a chance and who? Yeah, so does he have the thing of like a few peaks. Just that drop, I think you're still thinking you just got someone to hold on to someone who's just given you a piece of strings, and sits around the kitchen table the first time you meet them, and you share all this stuff about your story, your idea and they go, I believe sent back and crazy to me. But there's something about you guys that I like, so they stick with you. And without that you would have been dead in the water. That pet can we say or is that low? But can say whatever you want. It's your third. Jason. I love Jason. He was in his podcast, I was gonna think about that help. But he has been phenomenal. Literally, from day one. We're talking day one like concept. Like baby like not even baby it was in the womb. Oh, wait, that is yeah, you know what I mean? But like, it's cool. I mean, imagine what your home is worth. What a util we've never seen your title because people owe you every minute of every step of that journey. He has held our hand told us when to like pull it in, pull our heads in, told us when it's going to be okay. Told us also that this is not the hard part yet. Just wait. And now, you know, not that we're even in the hardest part yet. But then you get this uninformed pessimism drops and drops and drops. And then you get into this valley of death, which is kind of where we are. We're, you know, enough to know that it is very difficult and not impossible. And you're just battling things every single day. And eventually, if and that's where most people pull out. Most people stop there because they just think. So for example, we got these powders that tasted so bad that customers are going I'm not touching this. I don't care if it's good for me. It is so bad. And we're so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed, going we want to gift you like we want to do this for you. And we got this amazing thing. You want to try it and they drink it and they go and they're trying to help you go full. Belly vomited. Yeah. But then, if you stick around, we're not into this phase yet. But hopefully you get this informed optimism where you start to come back and you know what you know, and you figure out ways to solve the problems that you've got in front of you when I imagine this valley of death lasts for a long, long time. And then you start to come out the other end and you have heard someone say in a podcast, it'll never be as hard as it is now. Like the beginning. It is never as hard as it is then sure you have bigger problems and bigger challenges. And you also have teams and while they had a massive business, they were saying they've got you know they've got an entire legal division just set up to deal with all of the log lawsuits and cases that they're dealing with. They're getting suited left, right and center. So they got problems coming out areas. We don't have any of those problems right now, because no one knows who we are. But you have teams, you have people you have resources it, you know, it's easier to a degree. Yes. I do feel like we can see that light, though of the, what do you call it? Informed optimism? Yeah, I feel like that's filtering through. Because we have incredible people around us now. Like we have our lead practitioner who is beyond amazing. Dr. Miranda Miles, who we've talked about. We have our incredible business advisors, Jason in bed, like we have brilliant people, we then have incredible practitioners, our sorry, our pharmacy partner, who is just beyond amazing and knowledgeable. So even that sometimes feels like we're still well, and yes, we will be in the valley of death, because we're not there yet. But I do feel like there's like this light, and it just glimmers at me every now and then I'm like, Oh, is that? Is that? Oh my gosh. Is that like, is that something on your problem? Yeah. And then, but a lot still kind of there? You know? I feel like it's that North Star. I do feel like there's like a star there. shining on us. showing us the way. Yeah. And like, Yeah, whatever. beating a dead horse in a North Star. I'm not great with analogies. I usually go and pick up you know, why? No, why? Because I don't have my formulation. I need I finished mine, like a couple months ago. And because we've been so overwhelmed and busy and just intense with so many different things. I literally said to will, because this is all gonna pull the real fighting. And I was like, Whoa, I feel like everything's out of whack. I need some because you avoid further while you're off and about a good couple of months period where you are seriously humming along. What's happened now? The husband's gone? And then and the limp. So anyway, what therapy session you wouldn't do today? On Air b&b corner. What would you like to discuss? Maybe not a therapy session. Although we are having a psychologist come in who's literally going to do a psychology session with us live on air. Yeah, I'm really excited for that. She's, anyway, won't tell too much. But yeah, that will be fun. It was her idea. We were like I was talking to her about different things. And just, you know, her experience, because she's got incredible experience in just so many different areas she chose not to I mean, she she's a specialist, but she chose not to specialize, say just in, you know, women's health or just in whatever, because she's really a broad spectrum kind of psychologist, because she's seen so much he's been practicing for, I want to say 30 years, but no, I've got a double check that the amount of time that she was like, and she has her own podcast. So she thinks, yeah, a bit beyond. And she was like, why don't we do an on air session? And I was like, I mean, we're all for that. We can't do that anyway, then I was like, Oh, is she gonna like your video, it'll be fun. I think it's relevant, because we probably we have some people who reach out to us. So like he has, okay. Because we talk very openly and candidly and authentically on this show. And we maybe have slightly different opinions, different opinions on slightly, majorly different opinions, we differ a lot on our a couple interacts. But, um, I do think that it's really important to stand by our values. And, like, we chose to create this podcast and do this podcast regularly. Because we really wanted to be raw, and real and candid, and show that life can be hard. And that, you know, the Instagram is just a highlight reel and that Instagram, because gonna say the Instagram post or something, whatever it is, you know, it's all highlight reels. And you think you see this cup, when you think oh my god, they're always so happy. They always post their Valentine's things to get to each other and do all this kind of stuff, whatever it might be, or ya know, do or you know, this business, what the hell, they'd start, like six months ago, and look where they are now. And all this sort of stuff where we're getting this really filtered view on the world, and relationships and success. And that's just not reality. Because even when you talk to those people, you know, some influencers are really great at sharing, hey, this is what this is a snapshot of what my week was, trust me, this is what goes on behind the scenes, like a lot of moms that I follow, be like, yeah, you saw this. This is what was behind me. So we made a conscious decision to come on to this podcast and be our true authentic self and not be scared to be vulnerable. And our biggest belief is if you're not in the arena, shut up. Brene Brown will talk but I'm not listening. Yeah, because it's that whole thing of unless you're doing what we're doing. You can't you can't even begin to fathom what we're going through. So it's very easy to Stand at the top and look down and be like, Oh, I wouldn't have done that, or I wouldn't have put my soul bear or I would have stepped back earlier. Yeah, cuz you're standing up there mate. And you get to look at it all. And from bird's eye view, it's very different to being in there where you're in fight flight, and you're just like trying to get your reflexes and you're dodging. And you're saying and look at me using an analogy a. So anyway, we made a conscious choice for that. So yeah, sometimes it looks brutal. We had a conversation before our very first podcast where we said, what are we going to do here? How are we going to? Are we actually going to be ourselves? Or do we consider the people who might be listening and what their thoughts might be? We've got friends and family listening to this, like, do we do we put up a version of ourselves that, you know, we typically show the outside world. And we sort of fact that? Basically, everyone does that. We're not doing that. We're gonna be ourselves. So you get what you get. But it also involves a bit of heat tension between us. Yeah, didn't. My original point about us having slightly different views on interactions between couples was more about us than anyone else? Why, why that we might have slightly different views on how couples should interact, because it's been part of our conversation. Oh, no, I know. I don't know why I went the way I did. But I knew that that. Oh, yeah. So we're totally different. Yes. Yeah. Okay, go, why didn't go different? Why do I think we're different? What do you think couples should interact? Basically, the differences that I see, I see fight fighting, and fighting. Has that sounds like a very loaded word. disagreeing and disputing and negotiating between a couple, especially a married couple with kids is critical and fundamental to the prosperity of the relationship. And you may be noticing anyway, if you think that less is more, maybe, do you think, I think, Oh, I think with fighting or disagreeing or tiffs? I have an aversion to it. I think most people probably do. could afford me, I'd know. I know. Because I know you're going where you fight real? Well, for a little while. I think instead of looking at it positively. I am scared of it. Therefore, I launch into it full throttle, because to be vulnerable, or to look at it as a way for growth. I'm not I'm just not there yet. It's I think I grew up with a lot of fighting in my household, especially younger. Well, no, yeah, I'm not gonna I just don't think and this is not me putting on a pretense or anything like that. I just don't think I'm ready to share a lot of that kind of stuff. I've mentioned a few things. But I've seen physicality at times throughout, you know, childhood entertains and fighting, though my family is incredible at repairing, I would say, I would say that is a strength of ours. And interestingly, which we we might have gotten to but Lucha said because we talked about your and yours and my fighting. And she said it's not about the number of assumptions. It's how you repair. And I think that's something you and I do very, very well. But my family has always done that really well. But gosh, the fights were like big and and could. Yeah, we're toxic at times. So I feel like almost in my head. If we're fighting that's really bad. That means shits going down like that's not healthy. We're going rather than a new way of fighting and I'm using inverted commas Johnson embedded quotes, like quotation marks and federal loans. Whereas when we fight we fight we're fighting for. Yeah, we're negotiating as you say we're negotiating. Today's episode is brought to you by ask Leigh, our very own health tech startup that's redefining wellness for moms. If you're trying to juggle everything in life like we are, and want a simple and easy way to stay on top of your health, this is for you. Imagine a daily scoop of wellness crafted based on your unique health needs and delivered right to your doorstep. As clay makes it easy with bespoke supplements tailored to your needs. Ready to transform your health is@escalade.co and book a brief consult with one of our health practitioners. Stay tuned until the end of this episode for an exclusive offer. SP made just for you. I think there's an appropriate way to fight and an inappropriate way to fight. Then there should be rules of engagement. And those rules of engagement should dictate that things don't get there should be a line that things wouldn't get so extreme that I mean, obviously, that there's no physicality but but also that the conversation should always remain respectful. I think as a as a, as a blatant roll across the siding or disagreements between a couple should always remain respectful. And we're pretty good at that most of the time. Yeah. I mean, yes, yeah. But we do have frequent disagreements or discussions or fights, some people might call it about a whole host of things. And my view is that that is really important and beneficial and positive for the relationship. And always remember, I listened to this was a Jordan Peterson thing, but someone put to him this idea of, I think it was some sort of list or something from Reddit about how you see your partner, and I can't remember the full list. But some of the some of it was like, you know, would you want your child? Would you be proud if your child grew up to be that person? Would you be the person, your partner? Or your partner? Yeah, no. Would you talk proudly about the matter party? Would you, you know, a bunch of these questions and saying, you know, if you answered no to any of these questions, then you're with the wrong partner. And when that question was asked, or raise, and basically scoffed at it, as if a marriage in a relationship is so simplistic, that stupid and ridiculous list of arbitrary questions should be used to define whether or not that relationship is the one for you. And basically positioning the idea that no one's perfect, and there is no perfect partner for you. And you shouldn't be seeking a perfect relationship, you should make the perfect relationship. And you do that by fighting and negotiating every single detail about your marriage and your relationship and your way of living and how that works. to the nth degree. And we've started doing some of this stuff. But so how do you greet each other when you first wake up? How do you greet each other when you come home from work? Who makes the bed who makes dinner, who makes the kids dinner, who makes breakfast, who makes coffee, all of these sort of minutiae details that should be discussed and debated and argued until both parties are satisfied? Not until one party gets their way, and the other party succumbs? Because I think that's what happens. Most of the time. Someone just says, that's not worth it. I don't care enough, I'll just bow down to whatever you want to need. And I think we've probably been guilty that at times, there's been some things that both of us have probably done to appease the other person, because we've been too afraid to actually say what we want, or need or think or feel. And all that does is breed resentment. And over time. That's why I think that you find couples who, you know, kids finish high school and all of a sudden, they're separate, and you're looking to go, they look perfectly happy. They're in a great marriage. They had got wonderful kids, they had a wonderful life. They traveled, you know, what the hell was wrong? I think that's what was wrong. They didn't discuss things. They didn't negotiate things. They didn't reach, mutual agreement on every aspect of their life. Someone was oppressing the other. And maybe both oppressed each other in different ways at different times. But that That, to me doesn't feel like a formula for a successful marriage long term. Yes. I think also the comment mutual agreement, doesn't necessarily mean I'm not saying you're saying this, just a clarification. I think that mutual agreement doesn't mean that you are 5050 served in that mutual agreement, it might just be that that particular thing you feel strongly about. So you make an agreement that you can, you can exercise at that time, because actually, it doesn't really you know, what I mean? Like someone wants to be getting some Do you don't want to say, like, I know what you're trying to say, I'm just not entirely sure. I agree. Surprise, surprise. I think I think you said that you you argue or, you know, convert, you know, whatever it is, let's just use the word argue. You argue until you reach this point of mutual agreement. Is that correct? Correct. Right. So I'm just saying that sometimes mutual agreement, mutual agreement means that you're both agreeing to what that outcome is, doesn't necessarily mean that that outcome is 5050 weighted, because should be it should be mutually satisfactory for it. That's yeah, that sounds nice. Hey, yes, that's, that's my bone. Yeah, I just think that you shouldn't be looking for both of you to be served in that decision. For example, we make a decision that it's not so much next year get up even earlier and you're usually home by six psi. From when I go to the gym. Yeah, I should get home at five. Oh, okay. So when you used to be you would be home by about 637. That was kind of when you used to do like longer hours. was an exercise in that I could have argued with you to do my 6am class, right instead of a 7am. But in that moment, I was like, No, I think it serves you better, you're better at getting up in the morning. So we had this mutually agreed decision that you would exercise in that now that served you. Because you add, that's all I'm trying to say. But I was cool with that. I agreed with that. And I was like, Yep, I think that serves us both in the end, but you're getting what you want in a way. Does that make sense? Yeah, providing that you were fine with that. Absolutely satisfied about can I just mean that I think don't look for you both to get what you want in every single decision. That's like it's compromise. It's agreeing on that compromise. That's what I think it is. Yes, for sure. As long as you're honest about your agreement. Yeah, that compromise because I don't think that happens every single time. Yeah. And I was gonna say I think the difference we have talked about this, but the difference with you and I and I was getting really stressed because it felt like we were fighting a lot. Like I just felt like and again, we I'm using the term fighting loosely just bickering like you know, little as I got Phil and Kobe said, we said they speak and they speaking because, yeah, but I was No, no, no. And obviously, we're just trying to, you know, TLDR we'll say everything. As in you know, there's lots of happy memories. We love each other all that you know, we obviously we do, we're here. Like we're doing a friggin podcast together because we love each other because we want to share that with the world. But it felt like we will speak hurried. So Doug, you're welcome. Nice and equally shortlived. Yeah, we'll take away guns. But it felt like we were just bickering nonstop. I was like, ah, can we just have a moment where he just don't bicker where we don't negotiate that thing where we don't because that's what the reality of our life right now is that where we have two young children like this starts off. We didn't talk about specialists just because I feel like we give him a lot of shit. Like, you know, when we say things like our Subash was really heartbroken and tangible. So he has been divine. And I take full SciTech for as long as you'd like note of him being divided. I had a really I'm going off a tangent. Let me come back. I will come back. But I had a really rough day with him on Monday. That wasn't a Monday's are my days with the kids on my own. And he just felt to me really overwhelming. I'd also had a rough day Sunday, I'd had a headache was turning into migraine. I was just a bit snappy. I said to well, I'm feeling not great. We were bickering Monday just felt awful. And I just did not handle him well at all. And he didn't respond clearly. And he was all over the place. And I felt all over the place when I have finally tapped and it probably it was only really yesterday morning where I was like, okay, you know, had my period or you know, again, same story every month, blah, blah. But yes, I was like, Okay, I don't think I'm coping like we talked about me needing a formulation I need to see mice I need to see a psychologist on my own just as you have done and you've sought help and you have so much incredible tangible help from your psychologist with parenting. There's just a lot of stuff that I think I've been we're going to try and get him on the show he would be brilliant. I think there's just a lot of stuff that I have been suppressing and trying to keep my head above water and we talked about the huge we're not gonna go into that now but that huge shifts that I guess me personally have experienced in the last 12 months like it's just been I mean less than 12 months because it was from when I quit the job so April to now it'll be a year in April. Anyway, since I've changed and you know since Monday because I was really upset with myself I felt so emotional about the way I'd handle it. So Ashton has just been incredible and I have had this patience and this love with him and I have just a new have been amazing with him like so so so gorgeous. The regulation that you have shown like it's been amazing but the the reflection in subasta of what that's done I am I'm a little bit floored by the beauty in his behavior like he yes he still negotiates yeah that's you know he's part of that tree still negotiate so let's do one more minute but then it's like Sebastian we put that firm boundary and he goes with it but he's been doing all these beautiful things with Arabella like yesterday morning at soccer when you're talking soccer before childcare. Hey went to stop walking because that was Arabella tiny little thing and we were like we were probably a couple 100 meters away in a park. We went on the street in a park across the road. And he was like haha, I'll go get Arabella because that road buddy and he literally ran the whole way across the park to go and get her Oh, and then slowly walked back across the park holding her head and they got to near where the soccer ball was in he like pulled around the wind said camera and camera and cover it all like on like he's just been gone even this morning. You know they were having a few like he was actually Arabel she was being annoyed she was like hitting him and she was just getting an alignment and he would give her the thing or he'd come to us and say he's came to you and said Papa Arabella has taken both things because they were having one toy each and just ask So anyway, now I said I was going to come back, but I forgotten what I was negotiating every little thing you were just like, why do we have to do it all? It was just Yeah. So I was just sick and tired of it. And I just felt like we just never had a day of, oh, that's what I'll say. Okay. So feel, I just think that we're at a point in our life where we have so many layers that no longer can be swept under the rug. I think if you and I worked a nine to five, each guest we have the stress of children and the parenting, like, that's hard. And we'd come home probably feel exhausted from work and like, Oh, you do the Bible, or they drive me nuts, whatever. But you kind of then have, you know, six till 730 of the nightmare, then you probably sit on the couch. And there's actually not a lot of dialogue happening between the couple. You know, I love something that friend of mine does they call it? What does she call it? One and chat night online. And yeah, and that's their purpose all time to sit with each other. Because they both work these crazy jobs, they actually found that they just didn't have this dedicated time with one another. You and I have so much dedicated dialogue time that of course so much is coming to the surface. Because not we're dealing with the stresses of work the problems of work like shit, the powders not working shit, the farmers are should that that. Along with that, it's the residue of maybe the kids the night before the kids that morning, along with the residue of you really pissed me off when you said that or, you know, whatever it might be. So it just feels like there's no reprieve that most people go home and moan and complain about their colleagues. Yeah, this person at the office. So that is such a dickhead. Where did this this and this? Yeah, I just hate them. I don't want to go near them tomorrow. It's a bit awkward when that person is also your husband or wife, or you would normally do the complaining. There's yeah, we're just there's no other person but each other. But I think we've also reintroduced our weekly, like family board meetings, which I think are important for us to have dedikate We do. We're doing this last year. And then we stopped over Christmas. And we're doing it again, but the dedicated 60 minutes. Talk about practical, practical, practical stuff, some say practicalities, practical things about the house and what they're doing and the kids and while it's like the cognitive load going on, because I'm trying to take some of your baggage. But then also we say like, what have I been doing? It's been pissing you off. When we talk about it, and we tell each other like every other day, what's a good place to have that as an outlet? You know, here's the thing, and also where it's not in a heightened emotional moment, like, emotionally charged, because I think, you know, in a lot of our bickering, we try and that's what the CIO is saying, you repair really well, we and we do for the most part 99% of the time, even if we fight 100% of the time, we're here. Oh, sorry. Yeah, but I was gonna say like you're holding on to something, no, good. Unless, but as I say, sometimes, most times, we'll fight and we will resolve that in there. Sometimes we need to literally like leave each other alone. Don't friggin talk to me. I'm bloody done with you. And when you're repairing straight after the fight, sometimes it's harder to to be objective in that moment and not be so emotionally charged for me personally. So sometimes I'm still just feeling like I just hate you. I hate you. And now I'm trying to make this better and I want to be better with you and I don't wanna be fighting here but Bloody hell. I'm still upset still feeling the adrenaline in my body, the cortisol all that kind of thing. That's where the board meet the family board meeting is really helpful because you're not emotionally charged anymore. You've hopefully you had your time. You haven't fought in the last whatever bickered. And so you're just going you know what, and that's what happened yesterday morning. We did and I was like, forth. I think that what's been happening last few days and my emotions towards a lot of things. If I'm truly truly honest with myself, and as I said to you, I think I'm a bit scared to share with you exactly what I'm feeling and that and I'm feeling a little bit scared of my lack of control of things or just Are you scared to share it? Because I felt like admitting that there's a lot that I feel like I don't know, admitting that. I'm finding it a little bit hard. Admitting that. I don't feel as regulated with my kids. And that's something I pride myself on admitting that I don't feel well. And what I mean by well, is I'm exercising I'm doing all those things, but I I feel mentally drained a lot and then it's not like like, I feel a sense of sadness or or or just this sad. Yeah, this I don't know. I just get it and then and then instead of just feeling maybe sad, and like I said to you the other day, you know, with my period, I can either go with like the PMs and go Rayji and like, Get away from me and I'll do it on my own. I don't know or I can and lean into this baby like, and that sounds really even saying that I feel like such an idiot. But this I need you take care of me please like cuddle me Give me a heat pack will go after me that kind of thing. And that feels almost like hot chips and chicken nuggets. Oh God that made me so sick. But that feels almost in fact like and therefore not strong to need you in that way where everything the walls are down, and it's like I'm in my most vulnerable feel so feels like I'm letting go of so much power. And I'm scared for that. Because I've never been fully fully vulnerable. And in the hands of someone else. I've never allowed myself to be in the hands of someone else, even with you like fully, fully, fully fully. I don't know I have I mean, yeah, I'm sure like I'm sure with the miscarriages. I was fully in your but then even that, again, you just get on and do. I don't think you have. Yeah. And that's not a criticism. Yeah, I think rightfully so. So I think not many people are and yes. I mean, why do you think you're scared of that. But as I said, because I think when I'm to be fully in that makes me feel like I'm not in control. And I have to maybe you've talked about, I don't think you fully trust me. And people are going to take it like What do you mean neutral shell? So what about trust that you're going to cheat or trust that you're gonna like, it's another thought, Oh, my God couldn't get like we have an ongoing joke about anyway. It's not even. It's not even that it's like the trust on your full heart. I don't know that I think this moment of awareness with you. The other morning yesterday morning was just, I think I actually need that I think actually need you to fully fully hold me and me to fully fully surrender. And then me to go to a psychologist and go for these are all the things that I've been trying to be good at at all. But it's hard. And I'm just I don't know. I think it comes down to you don't trust that I will love what I see. Yeah, yeah, we have. Yeah. So that was I agree. But what's so crazy, and I can say this when I'm out of it, is I'm scared of you seeing this vulnerable, weak version of me weak. Again, inverted commas. Yeah, I'm happy to show you this psychotic, fiery, explosive version of me because that feels like defensive, like as in, like, that's my defense. So I can put the walls up. And I can be like, if you I don't need you. Not that I'm saying those things. But you know, in that kind of independent woman, like mentality is exactly the way I think that image makes a lot of sense. Because if you were I mean, you're a mom, you've got two kids. So your pitcher, Arabella, my baby, you will let someone close to her. Close enough to hold her and carry her and talk to her and buy her an ice cream. And you'll you'll get someone close enough to engage with her. But if that person in any way intimidated or was going to hurt or affect her in any way significantly, you would switch into the crazy psychotic. I will I will kill you where you stand? You will you would do that. No doubt. Yeah. To anyone. Yeah. And so that is exactly the same for you. You have the same infant, child like outside of you, believe me, that is scared. And you've allowed me and others to get close to that. But as soon as there is any sign of that being affected or intimidated, or damaged. You jump into this psychotic own kill you where you said specifically, whatever it was, yeah. You not yet been in a place where you would allow me or anyone else but me because I'm your husband. Get close enough to do any real damage, because you're scared of what I will find. And you're scared that I won't love that. And you were scared that I'll run the other way and abandon you the second I say. Yeah, and I think I'm also exactly telling you how you feel. But that's my hypothesis after eight years of watching. Yeah, and I think also, I totally agree. And I think also I'm scared of that inwards reflection of seeing that innocent, vulnerable. You probably don't love it either. Yeah, I don't think I have properly looked at that. You know, I don't think those two versions of me are met. And there's all that stuff. I love the inner child and do all that way and every time I see someone you know whether it's like woowoo stuff or whatever, it's like a little girl inside of you. She just wants to be taken care of. And I've got you I've got you but I've got you in as you said this defensive way. I've got you the barriers are up. Don't you worry, babe. I've got you. But it's not out. Say hi, I'll hold you on I'll sit with your heart's cry together and let's be vulnerable together and let's be in that space because that feels like letting go of control fear of someone coming in and I'm getting these visions or it's making me feel a bit because I just say, oh, make me feel a bit racial. Huh? I don't want to get that whoa this is the thing this is not something I'm doing on it. I don't want to go anyway, I just because I say this like what I did what just came to me then this whole haha I'm such a frickin emotional, such an empath. I was like, this mum cradling this little baby girl. And people just charging in and her look like a mum looking at really scared of like, Oh, that makes me feel so we were gonna do like some photos after I kind of went bike. Anyway, I need to do this work. And I'm not doing it on it. But yeah, there's just, it's hard. It's just hard when you've never been that vulnerable before. It ever like I just don't really remember being vulnerable. I don't remember being an innocent little thing. I sure I was like, I've been a little girl. But there's just a lot of innocence. I think that's been taken away over the years. And so it just started really not safe to be vulnerable when you're not safe to show that I don't. The other thing I would say is I don't think you're alone. Yeah, I really don't think you're alone. I don't think that I think many people feel that way. I think where this is relevant to the conversation we were having about couples and fighting and disagreeing and negotiating is that I think there's this falsehood that exists that you find your soulmate, and you lead each other. And I think that's absolute garbage, because I can't complete you. And there is nothing that I can do to fix you in inverted brackets. Yeah. But it comes, the only way that you will complete yourself is by time to standing and loving that version of yourself. Because to pretend that that part of you does not exist, is totally naive. And it's not until you accept that part of yourself as the complete version of who you are, and find a way to love it that you will allow me to also love it. And that will allow you to be a complete version of yourself. I can't I can't complete you in any way. And and I'm not and I'm not even gonna try. That's that's the work that you need to do to understand that. But I think I took a lot from what Chris said to us last week. I think we're very guilty of this, you will have some sort of sense that I'm trying to do this work, but I'm still crazy. But I still don't get right all the time. But I still treat submission poorly on a Monday when I'm frustrated and overwhelmed. You don't yeah, you're doing it. You're doing work. You're aware of it. You know where to look, you know what answers you're trying to find, you know what you're seeking, you are transforming and transitioning into this version that loves and understands that part of yourself. Are you there yet? No. But it's the same as I saying. We're not running a business. Well, we are. We definitely are. We're not at inversion yet. It's not complete. It's on a finished pitcher. We're doing it. So give yourself the credit that you deserve for being on that path. Yeah. Just it Yes. To start to all take so much time I sit tight like even say that if I and this isn't the greatest example because but again, we've got watched it so say in that moment if I if I could you want to go with that, you know, while he had this bit of sit down, write something cry, let it out. I find myself crying. And then awkward. Put the lid back on twisting it really tight going to stay in that stuck in there. And then it's like bubble will bubble and then something happens or some random says something I'm like, like little tea like, keeps held together. Keep the Lid Tight, tight. No masking tape, duct tape, like all the things because it takes time and I have to give myself permission for that time. That's precisely why you need three days of isolation in a tent on the other side of crime so that you can think about these things. I do need regular therapy. Now, anyway, yeah, I think I think that's part of it. But I don't think that's Oh, of course it's no I know it's not I'm just saying I think but well, it's of course it's not all of it. But it's putting support systems in place because I don't feel I think I've been trying to do it alone a lot have been trying to have These moments reflections right things, you know my ways, but I think what I will say to you yesterday and I am, I guess saying now is that I now need support systems in place. I psychologist, we've got Lucha who's amazing to help me through those things. So when I'm feeling this or when I'm or having those breakdowns or just yeah having strategies around me because it's I think it's one thing to be able to talk about it and be like I'm feeling as, but then it's okay. How do we move through that now? Because right now I feel like I'm getting really, I'm being more open at talking about things but like what am I doing to progress myself through that thing? How are you going to do today say psychologists? Anything else? love you more? Love me more? Yeah, I feel like I'm good. I'm doing well, you're doing a lot of stuff for me, you're really trying in a lot of ways for me, you know, I can't wait to sit back and enjoy this one. Well, we need to wrap it up, because it's getting to be long. But what we do know, it was never going to be a long winded thing. So as soon as you start saying, the things that I've been doing well, it's I haven't we need to wrap this thing up. So I'll make it quick. Fucking course. You know, listen, I was never going to make it overly complimentary. And that's perfect. I always read that. I was going to say you weren't going to make it overly compliment. Yeah, it wasn't going to be a long winded thing. I want to say you've been trying a lot. But it's really funny because one of the things that you've been trying to do is say is try and sit in the emotion and validate. So when I am sitting there talking, it's so overt anyway that you don't believe in it. Because you sit there looking at me and go, then that must be really hard. Like. Anyway, on that note, good times. I should. I did think it was a waste of time. I no longer do. i That's true. That is actually true. Through conversations with Luciano. And actually last week's conversation with Chris, I have changed my perspective on that. Because it's a waste of time for me, because I don't like sitting in that. But it is not a waste of time per se because you need it. Just because you don't think the soup is salty, salty for me. I care about what you need. I'll be so vulnerable. Allow me in. There's a bloody waste of time. Not about that stuff. Well, you can see the conflicting message. Anyway, all right. It's all my fault. You're doing. Great. Okay. So should we fight? Or should we not fight? No, we need to, we need to continue to negotiate. And I need to see it as a positive thing that brings us to a better outcome as opposed to this is bad. And this means we're going to end. And I think that that's just an ingrained thing, because I've seen fighting lead to really bad stuff. And I need to see fighting as a healthy I get I'm using the term fighting loosely, fighting, arguing, bickering, whatever it is, I use it as a positive thing to allow us to grow and evolve rather than the opposite, will break up at the end divorce. You know, because yeah, I get we've just we've experienced different things aren't Rayleigh? Totally. I think that's why it's so important that divorce is off the table as an idea. Oh, of course, clearly. Oh, here we go. And of okay. I wasn't gonna say anything about that, I would always go in to say that it needs to be off the table so that you and I both know that we can be vulnerable, and that we can be honest. So when we do negotiate things, and speak honestly and truthfully, that the other person is not going to judge us. It's one thing about how you make coffee, or who makes coffee, it's a totally different thing when you're talking about something much more deep and personal and intimate and being brave enough to share what you want and need with your husband and or wife. It's that's a very vulnerable thing to do as well. Absolutely. Yes. But I don't know what to say. All right. Well, I'll let you go. Wrap it up. So we have a will have a great guest episode next week for you, which we're really absolutely. Hopefully you've enjoyed being back with just us today, one on one, and we will catch you next time. Bye. Thank you for listening all the way to the end of the b&b corner brought to you by ASCII as a way for us to say thank you. We are offering the first 50 mums a free consult and your first month's product free. All you need to do is visit escalade.co. Schedule a consult with one of our practitioners and enter the promo code baby Ponsoldt take your first step towards personalized wellness with Escalade today