Why I Almost Divorced My Husband | Marriage Struggles & Solutions Ep 67

In this episode, we discuss a wife's perspective on almost leaving her husband despite him being a good man. We dive into the common struggles of modern marriage, including the mental load, unequal division of labor, and feeling unseen. We also explore solutions for creating a more equitable partnership and finding hope for struggling relationships.

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00:00 Introduction to The No Pills Podcast
00:07 Guest Introduction: A Mother’s Story
01:00 The Perfect Husband on Paper
01:54 The Reality of Motherhood and Marriage
02:38 The Mental Load and Burnout
05:10 Seeking More Help from the Husband
08:23 The Struggle for Household Equity
10:48 The Importance of Communication
14:56 Traditional Roles vs. Modern Expectations
26:58 Biblical Perspective on Marriage and Divorce
29:04 Conclusion and Sign Off

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Transcript

0:00

I am Gordon McGee and this is The No Pills Podcast. Love, fully scripted, and we have another one today online. Mother of four Wife, she goes by the name. She is a page turner, over 11 million views on social, across different social media platforms, telling us, telling the world why she was considering divorcing her husband. Let's find out if she had any good reasons, and of course. We are going to be, uh, contrasting and comparing this to the owner's manual. Let's get some, I have been with my husband for almost 20 years, but about three years ago I was strongly considering divorce. And I wanna talk to you about why. So I'm gonna tell you the story of the day where I thought to myself, maybe I don't wanna do this anymore. My husband and I had four kids. We both worked full time. We had been together for 16 years at this point. We've been together since high school. Um. 16 years. That's, that's a, that's a long time. Friends since high school. All right. And on paper, I have an amazing husband. Oh man. I always start this way on paper. Have an amazing husband, but I was gonna divorce him. All right. Let's, let's, let's, let's let it, let's get into it. He is incredibly supportive. He's kind, he's loyal. He's a great dad. He's very hands-on. He's an active participant. He's always present like on paper. What else could I ask for? What? Okay, wait. This doesn't sound like on paper. This sounds like in real life my husband was all of these things present. Helpful, loving, faithful. What does she mean by on paper? Like, no, this is real life. This is how he actually was To you like or is to you like pray, praise the Lord. Praise God. I think there are many women that would kill for a husband, like the one you just mentioned. Um, but in reality, my experience is very similar to the experience of other women. I had this amazing husband who on paper was great, but I was incredibly frustrated and burnt out. Alright, I'm sorry. On paper is reality. So in reality I have an excellent husband, but I needed more. That's what she should have said here, but I needed more. What I was, all this perfection I was getting was not enough. I think that's really what we're talking about, right? Just, yeah. Let's say that from our marriage and from motherhood, because what happens to so many of us. Is that we marry these amazing men and we have amazing relationships. Okay? And then we have kids. And when we have kids, women tend to carry a disproportionate amount of the work in the home, the work of raising kids and the mental load. And that is exactly what happened to us. Okay. So you made a choice as husband and wife to have children. Now She hasn't gotten as far along yet. We're gonna find out if she's working or not working. Um, in and outside of the home. But I don't know. Disproportionate when it comes to the kids. If your husband is working outside of the home, then yes, as far as direct interaction with the children, you're gonna have more of that because you would be home with them all day long where she has not said that yet. Um, or if that's the case at all, but I just, the stresses are different. Like there are stresses and burnout outside of the home, right? Outside of the homemaking, outside of the folding the clothes, washing the kids. And I'll say this, having not having children of children of my own, but having watched the little people, they can be quite tiresome. Yes. This is not a woo woo being with the children all day, man, let's keep it real. If you don't have a strict schedule. If you don't have a lot of discipline, you are in for a world of hurt and trouble. When you don't, if you don't have a day planned out or your day planned out, you, they will run you. You will not run them. You will be in chaos and disorder. So. That is what I'm speaking from experience. Having been with the little people for a little long, for over a day or two, you, you need discipline. You need to be in control, in charge, you need to be rested and the list goes on. But if you are disorderly, if you do not have the plan, mm, they will make one for you that they themselves will hate. As little people, they will hate it when there's not order. When there's not set mealtimes in bedtimes, they will be cranky. They will be extra nasty. But this is a very, uh, depleting job. Um, but that's not to say that being an oil rigger, a lawyer, doctor, uh, sanitation worker, uh, being in purchasing or some, like, there's stress outside of the home too, but. Let's let her go on. And so I, it's not easy being a mom and a dad and being a mother, right? I'm definitely not downplaying that. But you sign up for that when you become a mom and when you become a father. About three months after my fourth baby was born, I remember looking at my husband and saying, I need more. I need you to do more. See, see, see, see that? See, that's what I said. I, I need more. I'm exhausted. I am in charge of everyone and everything in this house. Every night when we cook dinner, you ask me what to make. Every day when you drop off the kids at daycare, you ask me what they need in their backpacks. I am the project manager of this home and a yo. This is her spazzing out, breaking down with the kids being in daycare whi, which means she's probably working like she's, she's breaking down. Lord have mercy. What would she do if this was like a little house on the prairie and she actually, you know what, I would almost argue she would probably be in a better place if she was home all day with the kids because she could be completely in control of the schedule and wouldn't have to make a switch from work. Employee boss, subordinate, whatever she had going on at work and then trying to flip the switch to come back to being a mom. I just saying, let me know in the comments if you agree, like that switch is not easy, right? I need you to do more. And he looked at me and he said, okay, just tell me what to do, right? Every woman has heard this. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. And I said, okay. You know something that would make my life easier. Is if in the mornings when I came downstairs with the four kids, because I do mornings by myself, the dishwasher was emptied, the the dishes were put away and the trash was taken out. That would make my life so much easier because when I've got the four kids running around and the baby crying, I can't be looking for their favorite water bottle in the dishwasher. I just need to know it's clean. This is not asking too much men. Okay? I was married for almost 20 years. Get in there, help out. Like I. I don't care what we have going on outside. Like I would, I was in charge of the wood, the fire, uh, the snow removal, the lawn care, uh, getting the gardening and all that. But I would come in and definitely help out. In the kitchen house, whatever. And, and we both worked, my wife and I both worked, we didn't have any children. Um, so I still felt some responsibility just because we're living in the, in a mutual space. Right. Like, just so she wouldn't maybe experience burnout or, or feel unappreciated. Um, or made to feel like, you know, I was, you know, too good or above cleaning. Um, but there was some things that my wife would just do. But my point is, is like I would help out and if I had a wife, if my wife had children, if I had a wife now, right?'cause my, my, my, my, my, my baby, she, my, my fir my first wife, she passed away. Um, if I had a wife now and we had children, let's just say, and she needed me to do the dishes every night and make sure that, like, cool. Like, I think that's. We have this, if she's out working, kids are going to daycare and we need to split some of the responsibility of raging and rearing our children and to make her life easier. I don't think this is too much to ask here this, this should kind of almost go without saying, in my opinion, in my humble opinion. And he said, yeah, of course. What? Yeah, I'll do that. That's no problem. Yeah. And so of course he does it, but then I have to remind him and then he forgets and then I have to remind him again. And there was this one morning where I woke up and I went to put something in the trash and it was overflowing. I. And I went to get my son's water bottle and it was in the dishwasher with all the other clean dishes. And I felt so disrespected and unseen and unvalued at that point in time. And I remember texting my husband being like, what happened? Like, why didn't you do this? And he said, sorry, I was running late for work. And I remember thinking. Oh my God. He doesn't see me because what he's done has now made me late for work and he doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about the impact on me. And he doesn't see how every single thing in our home happens because I asked him to do it or because I do it myself or because I planned and organized it, the diaper bag is full because I filled it right. I put the wipes in there and I felt alright. So listen, you throw off what God designed when you both go out and work with children. Just in general, period. So her frustration, her feeling disrespected, her feeling unheard, her feeling unseen is a byproduct of her now being in a masculine role. And now you have two people in the household in a masculine role. So a lot of this, let's just say if she was home all day, which was going on, she probably would not expect this of her husband who's working outside the home. She would handle the diaper bag, she would do the kids, she would have her morning routine, and then maybe she could still be asking, Hey, before you leave in the morning, could you help me out and do this before you leave? And she makes sort of feel the same way. Like, Hey, I want you to be present in the home and just not present at work. Right. I get that. I think that's a valid request. A a request that any other human being, especially if you've been married, you can understand. And if you're a woman, you can understand if you're a good husband, you can understand like, yeah. You don't wanna feel your wife. Your wife does not want to feel left, that she is just the only person that cares about the home, the family, the kids. And you're just like out living the best life, you know, at work and us, you know, out freedom, socializing and all that. So this is different friends, and I think we have to realize for whatever reason it has driven, um. Calls for both people to be outside of the home, both mom and dad outside of the home. This is gonna come with some oddities, with some things. You're gonna have to adjust to her saying she felt disrespected is important. Her feeling saying she's feeling unheard, unseen, very important. And men should not overlook that. Husbands should not overlook that, uh, by saying, well, hey, I work. I'm, I'm providing, I'm outside of the home. Especially if you and her, both of you are working. Right? So again, we are in this whole modern world wanting some traditional outcomes, wanting to feel seen, validated. And it's like now, now you have to have the discussion about you. What does meeting in the middle look like when you're not in traditional roles? If that makes sense. You know, who puts the wipes in the bag? Who, who cares about the baby bag? I, I, I think also too, when we talk about traditional gender roles and, and expectations, um, not that a father is not willing to do those type of things, but I think I've seen this vary with men. Some men feel like super inadequate and meanwhile there is some. Fathers now who are, who are raising kids on their own. They do all these things without any problems. Like, so I, I think it's a discussion. I think for some people it's training, it's routine because the single fathers are getting this done all the time. They're learning how to do their girls, their daughter's hairs, hair. They're learning how to pack bags, get ki like fathers are doing it. Just single fathers are doing it. So this is definitely about in your household and what you value as important and not important is this worthy of divorce. No, but I do understand the frustrations of the wife in a marriage where she does not feel heard or appreciated or you're not helping out. It's real well, so frustrated, and I remember thinking, what's the point? What's the point of doing this with someone else? I might as well just do it alone. And it's not because my husband didn't love me or he didn't, okay. This is foolish thinking. What's the point of doing this? I just do it alone. No, your husband is still bringing value. You just said that he was, he's present. He was there. He's loving you. He's faithful, like he's not doing the dishes. He's not helping out in the ways you would like him to help out right now at this moment, but if you get rid of him, then you're doing it all alone and that's the very thing you're complaining about. Am I? Am I going crazy? She's complaining about her husband not helping out where she wants him to help out. And so in those moments, I guess she's feeling like it's just me. I'm feeling unheard. I'm feeling alone. You know what? My rationale, my response isn't gonna be, you know what? I'm just gonna really be alone. So I'm gonna lose all the good things that you're providing in giving and contributing to our relationship and our family. And now I'm just gonna do it alone. Mess the kids up. Ladies, we've gotta do better with this thinking. We need to be more patient and I think both male and female need to be willing to make married couples need to be willing to make more changes, more qui quickly, right? And not put these things off. And not just grinder lip service, but actually commit to doing it. So I hear, I hear, I hear a frustration, but you know the devil does this man, get divorced. Get divorced. Like you should never threaten your partner with divorce. There's only one reason per the owner's manual. There's one reason and maybe some common sense when it comes to abuse to separate, like only for sexual infidelity. Like that's the only reason. So because you're frustrated, you, you chose to marry this person, you chose to have these children, you chose to have four children, and now things are not going the way you'd like them to go, and let's put our hands up and let's do it all ourselves. Like no two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labors. And if they fall, the one will help up his fellow but wo un into wo unto him that is alone when he fall for he have not another to help him up. I think to me, and it's not because I didn't love him, but because I felt so taken advantage of in our relationship and this dynamic. It doesn't happen by accident, right? It's not like my husband did it to me, but we've been raised in this society that tells men and women who they should be in marriages and, and what it looks like to be a good mom versus a good dad. And we know the bar for Moms is way up here. And the bar for Dads is way down here. What is she talking about? The bar for Moms is way up here. And the bar for dads is, okay, so let me try to, I think she may be saying like, the expectation for involvement with the children. Dad's gotta go to work and then he's not really expected to do as much for the children or with the children as the mother is, if that is out there. And I think maybe that does exist, especially coming from a real strict, heavy leaning, traditional roles, I'm gonna call it maybe even unhealthy. That's, that's dumb. That, that's not, that's not a father. Okay. The expectations I have on the father and the dad is more than the mother because I'm expecting the dad to go out all day, provide work, and then come home, not have an attitude, wrestle with his kids, hug his wife, spend time with her. Give her time to sit down and vent and tell you about her day. And then control yourself to not wanna just tackle her sexually, but let her just pour out. Let the kids pour out. Pour out, like. Dads have, fathers have to do more than the mom in a traditional role has to be the priest of the home, leading his family in prayer, making sure everybody's a right, having the D like, and then being ready to help in like, okay, lemme do the dishes tonight, babe, to help you out. Like that's how I see the role of a father, a priest, a provider protector, you know what I mean? Like locking the doors makes like, so I. I think she may be right as far as what modern society has done. When you think about like, um, what you see on television and men are made to be look dumb. Men don't care, they're not present. You know, this whole feminist, uh, which agenda. And while there are men like that, that exist, that only care about their sports and their football can care less what's happening to the kids and to the wife, these men exist. We see you do better. Shame on you, but I would not paint a broad brush and say, this is all men and that mom's expectations are up here and dad's expectations are down here. I do believe what she's saying, other women, other, there is a whole group within society that thinks thiss way in the western world for sure. And we fell into these norms. We fell into these, uh, roles in our family, despite the fact that we never wanted to, and I am lucky. Okay, wait. If, if, if you have children as a woman, you, you've, you've agreed to fall into the role of a mom. You've agreed to fall into the role of a father. And I say lucky because I have a partner who I know loves me and wants me to be happy, but I was willing to divorce thinking about divorcing him. I'm not beating her up for this. I, I know. Look, marriage gets tough. You, I, I, I've been there. You wanna leave? But just saying and was willing and able to change. And so we did the work to figure out what equity looked like in our relationship. And I can tell now three years later that we are happier than ever. Our kids are thriving. Our home runs like a well-oiled machine. I would've loved for her husband to be present in this video. We are happier than we've ever been. Or is she happier than she's ever been? I just wonder if her husband were to get online, would he say the same thing or would he feel like he's, he had to give more in order to satisfy his wife? Just, just we just curious. And that took a lot of work. I wanna say it took like 18 months to get there, and it was well worth it, but it is not uncommon. And so if your wife is coming to you and she's saying, I'm burnt out by the mental load and I need you to do more, she's not just saying that because she wants you to do more chores. She's saying that because truly it can hurt your relationship. It can ruin your marriage if you do not participate in an equitable way in your home. And so what does that, well, we both decided for you to work outside the home. Right. So the discussion has to look differently now. Like this is, this is, you want you, well, maybe she didn't want to, for whatever reason. Your, my, the mother, the wife is outside the home working too, and we've got somebody else raising the kids most of the day. Like, I, I just think there should, there, there could be more grace here. Not to say she didn't have any grace at all. Obviously they're still together, they're still married. Praise the Lord for that. But like you, you, you are already swimming upstream. By not by having somebody else raise your kids and you going to be a boss babe all day and then trying to come home and be a mom. And now you feel like, well, we both should be splitting these chores and doing everything equally because we've decided and listen, and maybe there's some truth to that, but you know, I don't like, are you changing the car oil? You know? Are you getting the wood for the house? Are you keeping the, are you fixing the roof? Like so, I mean, this is, and, and look, every relationship's gonna be different, right? And maybe all that is being done just with money and you're paying people to get all that things done. And then now we're just talking about we wanna split all the duties within the home with the children. But I don't know if, if there's ever a time for there to be a divorce, there's no, there's no time for there to be a divorce in that situation. This is just communication. It's just working it out. Look like, what does it look like to change these dynamics? But we need to really assess in our homes. What the work looks like, because in most homes, this, the, the, the data supports this. Women do a disproportionate amount of the work. They just do what data, what data says that they just do more of the cooking and the cleaning and the la they do more of the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry and the, the childcare while also working full-time. And men have more time for things like their hobbies, like golf, for example, or just working out, running a marathon. Right. Okay. Listen, if you, if your wife is working and you're out running marathons, you are out playing golf, leaving your home, your wife alone, home with the children, all right? That's crazy. That's foul. That's, that's, that's wild to me. Right? But I, many ethnicities, men do the cooking. Many. It varies from home to home. Like African American homes, dads are the cookers. Sometimes Italians men cook. They, they're bakers. I mean, so I don't may, maybe this is more of a North American and her husband doesn't sound this way. I got a husband that's in front of the tv. All he does is watch sports and games and wants to eat chips and drink beer. Like, all right, maybe that guy. But it's like disproportionate women do more on their own. I don't know if that's there. There are men obviously, that some men that think that way, you know, may maybe from the os, you know, do this whole thing like, oh, I can't figure that out. I couldn't. But it's like that's, I think these are, these are a subset, maybe outlier. This, I don't know, this is men, you know what I mean? This is not women. And again, I wanna reemphasize. You are in a relationship that is not traditional because you as the wife are also working and you are getting help via the childcare. So you're only with the kids a couple hours every day anyway. Like that's the reality. So it's like, okay, just do do the laundry and, okay, lemme say this, she mentioned this earlier and, and man, I want to touch on this. Having to ask you to do it. This is the real problem. Okay? This is the real problem. Being married as long as I was, this is the real problem. Women want you. Most people want you to do it because you are present, because you're plugged in because you're aware of what's going on. It's like, oh yeah, the trash needs to be taken out. That whole thing is weird. Like I just feel like men, this is how my thought process was. I just always took out the trash. I always dealt with the trash. I didn't want my wife dealing with the trash. You know, maybe it's a little shivers thing. I gotta go say, Hey, you don't have to deal with the trash. I'll, I'll bang the trash out. Um, or you know, even in, I remember my household, my grandfather was alive, my grandmother, he was, he was retired by this time though. Um, but I think even before he was retired, you know, if, if my grand, my grandmother did cooking, he did the dishes, I. That's how he contributed in the household. So I, I've seen various different things modeled in my life, um, from different relationships. So it's not this cookie cutter, everyone's the same, but when a woman is saying, Hey, why do I have to tell you to take out the trash? Why, why do I have to tell you to pack the diaper bag? Why do I have to tell you the kid what's going on? Listen, the male mind and the female mind are different. They're not even concerned with the same things. They don't see problems and solutions the same way. We don't even value things the same on levels of importance, right? In most male minds is like, Hey, mortgage number one, roof over your head, closing your back food. Number one, me getting up, getting to work, not getting fired, number one on my list, and the woman's like, Hey, we just had some babies. You need to get in here. And so I, it's a discussion, right? And maybe it doesn't go the way you want to go the first 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 times, but you stick it out. Men have time for marathons and golfing. Yeah, we, that's a whole nother discussion I think we need to have. And so we need to have hard conversations. Yes. What our time looks like, what our labor in the home looks like. What is invisible labor? We have to talk about these things. And when we don't. The alternative is that you no longer have a marriage or you don't have a happy one at least. Mm-hmm. And so I share this story because I don't think I'm alone in this experience and definitely not, definitely not the only person over tempted to overreact. Not that she did overreact, but tempted to overreact all her feelings, all her observations, I believe valid. Not one of them I don't think is valid, but the response I. A little overkill, just not well thought out, because you're gonna end up being alone anyway. I want people to know that there's hope, and that if you have mm-hmm. A willing and able partner, you can change this. You can absolutely change this dynamic. Okay, so here's what I'm gonna say. I have found in my experience that the change that was needed in my marriage came from. God from me personally, getting along with God, praying, talking to him, reading my Bible, wanting to be a Godly man, wanting to be a good leader in my home, and the Holy Ghost being able to get ahold of my heart and soften me. Why am I saying that to you? Because it can be frustrating if you think it is your job and your role to to change someone. I think it's good to set your expectations, to set your boundaries and say, Hey, I find this to be disrespectful. I find this not to be considerate and this needs to change. But I would not put the full responsibility upon yourself to change another human being. Even if it's your spouse, you need divine intervention or maybe even some intervention. Some people have a lot of success with counseling. I would even suggest a Christian counselor, but this is, you know, I'm coming out of the owner's manual. Um, so I just, I just. I think that some people will walk away, um, from this clip, the 11 million plus people who have seen this online, and they may walk away thinking like, yeah, I have to change my husband. It comes off like, yeah, I had the, I had the hard conversations. I was a driving force. I got my husband to give me what I needed. She didn't mention anything that her husband might've needed, which is kind of weird, like. Did he not need anything? Did he not need anything more? Was he, you know, I just, I just wonder. Right. Um, but it was from only the female mom, mother perspective. For those of you who are curious. Just so we, so we are clear here at Love, fully scripted, the owner's manual lets us know that divorce was permitted in the Old Testament. Deuteronomy 24 verses one through four. Um, there was some reasons given which were kind of a little loosey goosey. Uh, there was some indecency found in your wife. You were permitted to divorce her, but you cannot remarry her if she went out and got remarried. So divorce was permitted in the Old Testament. But interestingly enough, when you get to the last book of the Old Testament in the book of Malachi, and you go to chapter two verses 14 through 16, God straight out just says, I hate divorce. Yes, he did. Friends. So that is the ideal. No divorce. No divorce aids, no divorcing. God hates it. And I would say that is still true for today. And when Jesus was on the scene in the New Testament, he was asked about divorce and saying, well, it isn't divorce legal. Didn't Moses give them divorce? And he goes, listen, it was not so in the beginning, God made the male and female one man, one woman, one flesh, and they become one flesh to never be separated until death do them part that is the ideal. Now with some common sense, we oftentimes make the application have, you are getting abused. You need to get out of there. And as I always recommend here on this channel. Separate. Try to get the help you need until the abuser either gets their act together through the help of the Holy, holy Spirit, or they step out on you and cheat and go about their business and live their life. Also, you cannot make a person stay with you. Alright? We get this over in one Corinthians chapter seven. Let a person leave if they wanna leave. If someone does not wanna be married to you, you cannot force them to be married to you. But if there is gonna be a separation. Separate and do not get remarried to anybody else, but try to be reconciled to the person that you are married to. You can find that in one Corinthians seven, chapter seven. Read the whole chapter, friends, because you need it. It's good stuff. Uh, you can see Jesus talking about divorce in Matthew five verses 31 to 32. Matthew 19, three through nine. Mark 10 verse two through 12. Luke 16 verse 18. Friends, I am Gordon McGee. This is the No Pills Podcast. Love fully scripted. And I am signing off, and I will catch you next week.