No Pillz with Gordon McGhee

30-Year-Old Virgin First Date Advice: Is Overseas Dating Too Risky? | No Pillz Podcast Ep70

• Gordon McGhee • Season 2 • Episode 70

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"I'm a 30 Year Old Virgin Going On My First Date"


In this episode of the No Pills Podcast, Gordon McGee dives into a listener's question: What's the best advice for a 30-year-old virgin going on their first date with someone from overseas?  We discuss the unique challenges of first-time dating in your 30s, the complexities of international relationships, and whether "practice dating" is a good idea.   We also cover the importance of self-care, mindset, and building confidence, plus a thought-provoking look at how dating has changed over time (and what the Bible says about it!).  Whether you're a late bloomer or just getting back into the dating game, this episode is packed with wisdom and honest talk. 

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00:00 Introduction to The No Pills Podcast
00:27 Viewer's Question: 30-Year-Old Virgin's First Date
00:55 Initial Thoughts on Overseas Dating
02:51 Dr. X's Advice: Preparation and Physical Appearance
05:17 Mindset: Courtship vs. Dating
10:46 Shyness and Confidence
15:45 Biblical Perspective on Dating
20:15 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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3, 2, 1. Welcome back, beloved. I am Gordon McGee and this is The No Pills Podcast. Love fully scripted. Today I am a 30-year-old version going on my first date. Ah. Get sung. You heard me correctly. I am a 30-year-old virgin going on my first date. If that is you, stick around. We've got something for you today. Someone wrote into a Doctor X. We will call him who is a psychiatrist? MD has a MPH, uh, a former instructor of psychiatry over at Harvard Medical School with the following question. Hi, Dr. X, I am from Brazil. Please give me your golden advice for a 30-year-old virgin on everything you have who is about to go on his first date scheduled with a foreigner in about a month. Mm. Before I get into the doctor's advice, I want to just point out a few things with the question and the person asking the question. The first being, I pray that the person you are going on this date with is also a virgin, because that will lessen a lot of the stress. Pressure that may come along with dating someone for the first time in your thirties if they are of equal inexperience or of equal experience, is gonna run a lot smoother. I would imagine that all the fears you have of being inadequate or stumbling over your words or not being prepared will just dissipate to a larger degree knowing that this person is in the same boat that you are and is coming from the same. Place, what do you say? Amen. Second thing I wanna point out here, dating, getting to know someone from overseas, this could be way more stressful. Uh, for example, how do you know the person's really into you and not just looking for a green card, just saying. Not looking just to escape their current habitation situation or there's also, wait, I should say, and, and there is also the hurdle of a different language, different culture. A lot of this goes in or can impact or affect how the date turns out, how this interaction turns out. Do you trust him? Do you know him? I mean, just. Overseas relationships. I know they work. I know some people have found their spouses this way, but this is your first date interaction with someone of the opposite sex and you're a 30-year-old virgin. I just don't know if I would've taken that experience overseas the first go round, if you know what I'm saying there. Just a few of my initial thoughts when I heard the question initially, like, okay, well, is overseas dating. Uh, meeting for the first time. I, I hope they're virgin. Two. Um, and how do you know it's really about love? What's the motivation for even meeting now, getting into Dr. X's, um, advice here. First thing he points out. How he responds to this question is preparation. His first point was preparation. Focus on feeling comfortable. He says, in your body, through exercise and self care, um, within the 30 days leading up to the date, also work on improving your physical appearance. Now here is what hit my mind Initially, I would hope that you would've already met over the phone virtually, that there would've been some video calls. Come on, talk to me. Like they should already know what you look like. Do you think I'm getting on a train plane automobile? Ship flying any, I mean without having never seen you in real time in person. So by this time, I should already know if you're a little bit on the husky side or a little bit on the thin side. If you're not doing this, I hope you are doing this. Do not go meet some stranger that you don't know without some video calls and getting some accountability, checking out their socials, making sure they are who they say you are, so you're not getting catfished. So where am I going with that? If you're telling this person. Hey, giving 'em advice. Oh, go get yourself fit. Go get yourself in shape, get your hair cut done, right, work on your physical appearance. But if that's not really who you are on a regular basis, aren't you just lying at that point? This should be a lifestyle. You should be who you are. Like if you are an overweight gamer. You've gotta be the overweight gamer that, I mean, you, you can make some minor changes in 30 days, but will those changes actually stick? So in other words, if you're not accustomed to going to to the gym on a regular basis, and this is not who you are, then that's not who you are. I'm not saying you should not make that change. I think if you're 30 and single, you should definitely be in the gym. You should definitely be active. You should definitely be taking care of yourself. You should get haircuts. You should brush your teeth, wash your behind. You know what I mean? You should take care of yourself even if you're not in a relationship with someone. That's just hopefully good upbringing. You know? I mean, who wants to walk around with a itchy butt, who wants to walk around funky all day? I mean, come on. Right? So you should already be doing these things. I, I don't know, I, I don't think there's an intentional, uh, level of deception being given as far as advice, but. It could come off that way. Second thing that the doctor pointed out to this question, to this 30-year-old version, mindset, mindset, uh, shift your perspective from viewing the date as a life defining event to seeing it as a practice opportunity. Interesting. Avoid attaching specific outcomes to the date and instead focus on having a good time and getting to know the other person. Man, what are you talking about right now? This could be a life defining event. Or am I, am I going crazy? This person that you're going to meet could potentially be your spouse. This is why we have to understand courtship versus dating. And dating has this waste my time. Perspective, outlook, mindset. I'm just gonna keep it real. Uh, if it comes, if it turns out to be something, if it doesn't, who cares? Courtship is intention. I am here to get to know you. Mm-hmm. Not your body. What? I want to get to know your character. That's courtship. Don't waste my time. Friends don't, don't, don't have me travel internationally for, for something that's practice. My first go round. This seems like foolishness to me. I, I'm not feeling this advice. Like, what do you mean? No, I'm 30 years old. If I'm a, if I'm 30 years old, we're 30 years old friends, are we really just, maybe you have, maybe you have the resources, maybe you just wanna take a trip and this is just a bonus, but why waste my time? Why even, you know, it's one thing if we just meet naturally. Right, like organically, if I happen to just be in your country, if I happen to just be at the restaurant, if I happen to just be at the post office, if I happen to just be at the art gallery and we bump into each other, cool. Cool. Wasn't planned, wasn't expected. We connect, we follow up. That's one thing. But for me to intentionally plan to come see you for, for romantic interest. And we're talking about using the word practice. Nah, doc, I'm not on board with that. This is potentially a life-defining event. We will not be practicing, okay? Know the difference between courtship, friends and dating. And I encourage you to be, be on your courting game at 30 years old. Matter of fact, your entire life is what I mean. I don't care where you are because we was, this is love. Fully scripted friends with every interaction you are trying to determine. Let hear me out here, friends. With every interaction you have with this person, you are trying to determine if they will be your spouse. They could be the mother or father to your children. This is not a light thing. This is not a light thing. This is serious, beloved. This is serious and we should treat it that way. I know we don't wanna put undue pressure, right? I I, I know the doctor was trying to, he's trying to avoid you being too nervous, right? And you clamming up or not having a good experience or a good time on set date. But listen, you've gotta approach it with intention. No intentionality. You're just wasting my time. Your time. You don't know when you're gonna die. Who's got time to waste? Nobody friends. Nobody has time to waste. That is the potential outcome. 30 years old, I hope we're mature and I hope you're looking to get married and you're not just looking to fornicate and sleep around, you know, focus on getting to know the character. I wanna reemphasize that. Okay? We wanna focus, focus on getting to know the character of the person. Not just where they work, not just how many kids they want to have. None that they're tall, short, skinny, this, not with this language they speak, but what is the nature of their character? I'm looking for how they treat other people. Ideally, if you can see them interact with their friend groups, this is what you kind of wanna see. And I've kind of come to, um, in my widowhood here, in my singleness, I, I've kind of began to think, should we be alone having dinner dates alone with people who we are not in a courtship with? And hear me out here. You wanna get to know this person as much as you can before you kind of reveal your hand, that, that you're interested in them. Okay? So why can't it be more of a group setting, you know? Uh, why can't it be like some type of, Hey, do you have a couple friends that we can come with? We can go out and hang out, do a few things together, versus just being alone. Because, and I've had to think about this, friends, because this is new to me, you know, as you. If you, if you, if you date a person alone and go on these, these solo dates, right, these, these solo activities, it is, you are already like, like pretending to be in a relationship kind of, and there's already maybe some extra undue pressure. So I don't know if that's conducive to taking the pressure off and, and having it be more relaxed. If you're one-on-one just alone, you are already coming in with this. There's no escape if, if, if it's awkward, it is just awkward. There's no help for other dynamics and other characteristics and other people to get involved to maybe help out a, a bad experience. So I want you to chew on that. Does it make sense to be having. Dinner dates alone outside of courtship. Okay, third thing. Third point that the doctor brought up was shyness and confidence. He also addressed shyness, explaining that it's different from introversion and can be managed by building confidence. Example, someone who is not confident in shy will stay in the corner while someone who is confident in shy may still interact with others. I thought that was a good insight there. That was a good insight. Some tips for building confidence include recognizing that one date isn't critical and that you are often your own harshest critic. Okay, so, uh, one date isn't critical. I agree with this. I, I just think you need to take every interaction seriously, though. I wouldn't say put all your 81 baskets. I don't say You shouldn't be so depressed or, oh, I messed up so bad. It is what it is. If God has called you to marriage, if God has assigned you this person, this is his will. If two people are are supposed to be together. In the eyes of God, they're going to enjoy who you are. You're gonna enjoy who they are. If you stumble over your words, if you're awkward, all that will not matter to them. If this is your person, if this is your spouse, friends. This makes sense. So I think the problem here is that we're doing a lot of this now. All this council is devoid of the owner's manual. It's devoid of faith in God. It's devoid of God overseeing your life. So all this pressure is being put on you versus having faith in God's plan for your life. Yes, friends, this is the benefit. This is the benefit of trusting the manufacturer of the owner's manual, okay? Because now you can say, Hey, God, I'm, I'm going, I'm going to meet this person in a group, preferably, hopefully, or get to, or finding out more about this person and so forth and so on. And I'm asking you to God and direct my steps, shutting open doors, providentially, you know, if we were supposed to get together and this is not the person you want me to be with in this group, in this group date, then let that group date not happen. Shut the doors. Right, so it can become obvious to me in plain that this is not the person you want from me. I, I, I think you know it, there's already a sense of it being critical when you're on a date alone versus. If you're just in a group setting, you need to get it to know as much about this person as is humanly possible. Okay? From afar, France, right? From afar. From afar. If you can do that, you can do that, can do that. You know, even if it was, even if it's a remote thing, you know, um, you gotta do some mom, you've gotta do some snooping, maybe. Some, some internet stalking. Get on the social media profiles. See what they're posting. See who they interact with, see who they're following, and see if there's any similarities between your posts, their posts, things that, things they're interested in, things you're interested in before you go out there and take flights and spend money, resources, and time when you may be able to identify something that's a, that beyond a red flag is just a deal breaker. And don't be afraid to, to get your HR on, get your human resources on. Do some snooping. Heck, you go to apply for a job. You better believe HR is checking your socials. They don't want to hire any wackos and who wants to date or be in a romantic relationship with a wacko. Call your friends from hr. Find out how to find, man. Listen, I'm not saying do a background check, but I'm not telling you not to do a background check. Okay? Just putting that out there for you friends. Um, I think this will help boost your confidence if you do the research, if you see some similarities, if you have something in common. You're gonna be more confident coming in versus the, the more blind you are, the less you are, the less you know, the more nervous you're gonna be. This makes sense. So the more you can find out about this person, and then if you can find out if there is a mutual interest. Okay. Prior to the revealing of the hand. Then that's even more fantastic. Confidence is gonna go up. Okay. I know this person is interested. Obviously if they said yes to getting together and hanging out, that's probably a clear indication. But, you know, you've gotta ask, sometimes you gotta just be a little bit forward, men talking to the men and just ask, ask the questions that are obvious. Like, Hey, uh, how old are you? Um, where'd you go to school? Uh, are you in a relationship now? I mean, just you're 30 years old. What, what do you like? What are you trying to hide? If the fear. If the fear of being okay, the fear of being shot down, I think increases because you haven't done the research because you haven't looked into it. But if you know a person shares a similar taste with you, you, you, you have the same religious faith and convictions and you enjoy doing the same things. Listen, you, you. Like, I got a few of my friends going out hiking, you know, this person enjoys hiking. They, they posted pictures of them hiking. Now you can, hey, you got a couple friends we can go hiking with. Would like to go, go hiking. Boom, no pressure. Super relaxed. And obviously they're probably thinking, oh this, this guy's probably interested. Oh, she's probably thinking, this guy's probably interested a little bit. Smooth brethren, smooth. You want to make informed decisions, I'm just saying. Alright now. Lastly, the Bible, the owner's manual does not record people going on dates. I had to think about this. I said, man, let me ask it. It doesn't record people going on dates, especially in the way that we understand dates in our modern times, our listen, our concept of dating with its emphasis on individual choice. Individual choice, no feedback. A lot of the times recreational socialization or socializing and romantic exploration is a relatively recent cultural development. Friends, I don't know if you've ever thought about this, this, this blew my mind. I'm thinking like, yeah. The, the, the, the dating that we have going on today is new to planet Earth. Like historically speaking, when you get into the historical records, no matter the culture, it, it, it dating did not exist. This is new, this, and I, and I, I don't know why I never saw this. Like yeah, this whole thing we're doing, this is not coming from 'cause How did they do it in the Bible? Friends. How did they do it in Bible times? Okay, how do we do it? Back in the day, family and community, think about it. A lot of times you were finding a spouse within the family and community. The world was less connected. There wasn't, uh, trains, planes, automobiles. You were traveling on foot at one point. Then by horse. So your, your range of meeting people was really small. Internet has just, maybe, maybe there's some good to it, but also kind of just ruined us too. I mean, it's just like there's all these false expectations, uh, false realities. Uh, we think we have more options than we really do, and the list goes on. We've covered it many times here on the No Pills podcast, uh, social and economic factors. Okay. Also the cultural norms that were going on during those times. Okay. Marriages were often arranged, is what I'm saying, in the Old Testament or in Bible times or before the, the modern age in which we're living heavily influenced by families. Your mother, your father, were heavily involved. Uh, social interactions between young men and women were typically, um, chaperoned. Talk to me. Typically chaperoned going back before this modern dating age, we're in the, the modern age of dating that we're in now, chaperoned. Okay. And that was within the context of the family in the community. So ideally friends, I think there would be better success with our romantic endeavors if we were in a community already that that was supporting that relationship where there was accountability, where we could get input, where we could get insights. A KAA church, other families that are good friends with your family. You know what I'm saying? Things like this. Okay. Marriage was often tied to social standing, economic stability, and the continuation of family lines. This is how it was without, before dating specific customs varied among the different cultures and time periods described in the Bible. Matter of fact, I think. You know, Asian cultures still hold to, I think about, um, my Indian friends, they don't play around with the marriage thing, man. I'm not saying their culture is perfect when it comes to the relationships between male and females and the, and how women are treated and versus how men are treated and, and vice versa. But men. They're not running around marrying 40 different people, usually on average in Indian cultures. And they're really, really excited about getting married. Like this is a high note man, you know, and the families are definitely involved. We need some of that. We need some of that in our day and age right now. Friends, we need to get back to some of the, some of the stuff that was working that wasn't broke and there was no need to fix it, and I'd have no idea why we've deviated from it. Men were finding their wives at wells. They were trusting in God to find their wives. Come on. They weren't dating friends. Very intentional. And I want to say they were, they were fishing in healthier ponds. You know, a lot of, a lot of things that we do today, we are, we're in the wrong ponds looking for the wrong fish, and then we don't understand, uh, why we're having the terrible outcomes that we're having. And also we're using the wrong bait. We are presenting. Like women and men of the night and looking for holy, faithful, committed spouses. You've gotta be kidding me, friends, I'm Gordon McGee and this is The No Pills Podcast. Love fully scripted, and I'm signing off, and I will catch you next week.