No Pillz with Gordon McGhee

Feeling Alone After 30? Listen to This! Ep 71

• Gordon McGhee • Season 2 • Episode 71

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Are you feeling lonely in your 30s? Wondering why it's so hard to make friends or find a partner? This video tackles those questions head-on! We're discussing the realities of loneliness, from social media's effect to the pressure of marriage. Learn how to combat loneliness and build a happier, more connected life. What are your experiences? Share in the comments! 

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00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview
00:30 Advice from a Fellow Thirty-Something
02:03 Gordon's Take on Relationships
04:32 The Impact of Social Media on Loneliness
07:03 Practical Tips to Combat Loneliness
12:25 Listener Comments and Reflections
21:36 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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In 3, 2, 1. Welcome back, beloved. I'm Gordon McGee, and this is The No Pills podcast. Love fully scripted, and today feeling lonely in your thirties. Plus, we would throw the plus in there, plus sign. Friends, it's real. And today we're gonna be talking about tips, tricks, advice, and the realities of being lonely in your thirties. Let's get into it. So today. Hey friends, I was, uh, scouring the internet, um, in preparation for what we do over here at No Pills, and I ran across a video from a woman who was giving some advice about how to deal with being lonely in your thirties. And I just wanted to share this with you, has some dialogue. Let's chop it up. I thought there was some good practical tips here that I would like to share with my listeners. So without further ado, let's roll that beautiful footage. Being single in your thirties is really tough. I hear you. I did it. I was single through most of my thirties. I dated someone for like two years of them. It is hard when everyone is getting married. That you know and people you don't know 'cause you see it on social media or wherever. What I did to be happy is literally choose things every single day. That made me happy. So maybe it was grabbing coffee from my favorite coffee shop, or it was going for a walk and listening to my favorite podcast. And I also, I. Increased my friend group, and so I didn't just have very, very close friends. I had acquaintances who are also single, and we had a good time together, so we would go out. I just built up my social calendar so much that I didn't feel like I was missing out, and I had things to look forward to, and I think that's a huge part of it. I'm not gonna tell you the sadness or loneliness is gonna go away because it definitely creeps up, but the more you build a life that makes you happy, the less lonely it gets. And I am still single by the way, and I hear you. You've got this and you're gonna be just fine. Interesting. Very, very interesting. Let me first address that waste of two years of your life. Now I know someone's gonna say, Hey man, you learned something. You grew as a person. That relationship, it is what it is. You take no losses. You live, you learn. That's cool. But don't waste two years of my life, friends, ladies, listen. Don't do that to me. I'm not trying to do that to you. Two years, my, my, my, my friend here has been in a relationship. We was in a relationship for, in our full blown relationship for two years and it didn't turn into marriage. Come on, man. We couldn't have figured that out year one. We, we, we couldn't figure that out year one. Come on, we've gotta do better friends. We, we union thirties playing around. Let's get that figured out in the first six months or so. Is this thing real? Is it going anywhere? Two years. And we not married. I mean, not terrible, but let's do the math. Friends, if you date, excuse me. If you get courted by five people, if you caught five people, two year EC clips each and it doesn't work out. You are now 40. You are now 50. You are now, that's 10 years. You dig me? Two years. I don't have two years to give to somebody for, for, for, for no good reason just to be wasting my time. Nah, man, let's figure that out in the first six months to a year if this thing is going to marriage or not. Let, let me know down in the comments, man, if you think two years is too long to be playing around with somebody to not be married, and I hate to use, you shouldn't be playing around, but you, you, you get what I'm saying to you. Um, it's tough, man. It's tough being older and single, just a reality. This is what it is. And I was kind of, you know, not shocked, but the way the, the modern dating culture is, and oh, everyone, you know, with feminism, ha has done, you know, it's, it, it is almost surprising sometimes they hear people even admit that they're lonely or that they want to be with someone. Sometimes we put up a front. Um, I know many people out there say, yeah, that's because as you get older, you know, and part particularly speaking about women, you know, hey, you, when you're young and you're beautiful, you can be with anybody you want and it's all fabulous. And then if you miss that window, uh, to be married and you sleep around and then you hit the wall, as they say, and now you're just sad and lonely, but hey man, there's 30-year-old men in that category too. So there are older people who are lonely and. I don't know how much, you know, social media technology is really helping us to feel less lonely. Uh, I think a lot of the reports and studies you see will prove the opposite, that we're more isolated, we feel lonelier. Uh, there's more depression and anxiety going on in our culture. How about that? Um, it may be because, you know, as she mentioned, it's hard seeing other people. Get married, you know, you're in this comparison dilemma where it's like, man, I'm not caught up. Why am I not married? I didn't have a vacation, uh, or a destination wedding. I, I'm, I'm behind the curve. Oh my goodness. And you just feel this pressure. Look, I'm gonna tell you something like Facebook friends, I don't like Facebook. I'm not a fan of Facebook. And here, here, see why? It's just, it's emotionally draining for me. I just think all the people that you know, you find out everything about their lives all the time. Who's, who's getting married, who's dying, who's having a baby, who's mad at their boyfriend or girlfriend who's getting a divorce. It's just a lot of emotional baggage like where you feel like, man, do I need to respond to everything that I see and and give words of encouragement, or can I just swipe past this? Is there another birthday? It's just. I think it's a lot emotionally.'cause I think it's not natural because in the real world, in the natural world, you only have so many people you're gonna actually see, meet or talk to on a daily basis. So you don't have all this pressure to keep up with what's going on in their lives. You can manage four or five people, maybe six people, and your friend group 10 people plus family. But you start getting to the hundreds and thousands, it's just like, yo, this burnout. I remember when I first got on Facebook. For, for ministry. I was, oh man, this is great. Connecting with people. Actually, I had gotten on to, um, be able to tell everybody that my wife had passed away and I remember thinking, oh man, yeah, I'm gonna, oh, happy. Oh, I know when people's birthdays are. I'm gonna say happy birthday to everybody. Blahy, blah. Listen, friends. Yeah, that honeymoon quickly. Quickly was over. I'm like, yo, I'm not saying I, I don't have time to sit here and say happy birthday to everybody all day, every day. It's just not I, my, my little fanciful, delusional ideas of being a social media friend quickly faded away. I'm like, man, I don't have time for this until all my friends listening who may see this, I love you. But you're good, bro. Like, I, I don't sis you're good. I don't, I I don't post my birthday, you know, so it's cool. You know, you don't have to comment on my stuff. I just does this, does this aid in the feeling of loneliness by seeing everybody else not be lonely in your friend group and in your connections, just saying, what I like that she spoke about here is that she made, she chose to do things daily. This is, this is good. This was good. That made her happy that that gave her encouragement, like she didn't stay in her apartment. It became a cloister, and she didn't go. She was intentional about getting out activities, you know, going to her, her, her favorite beverage spot, and so forth and so on. Taking walks, getting out, listening to podcasts. Getting out behind your four walls. I mean, this is tough. Sometimes you, you know, you're at work and maybe you're tired after work, but you, you're feeling lonely. Are you gonna make the effort to actually get out? I thought this was a good tip. I thought this was very practical. And then she, she, she just added to it with. The concept of expanding the friend group. Now, this is something that I think maybe social media could actually help. Maybe like a little Facebook or something where you could actually, maybe, and I, I don't know. There's kinda like these unwritten rules on Facebook. I don't know if you're just allowed to, to friend anybody and everybody. I know it's just a little weird with people, but. You technically could start to friend people, meet people, expand those people you know in friend groups, maybe even join like some type of hobby thing you got going on, some type of group outside. Just expanding the circle. I. Friends, and then there's that whole six degrees of separation thing that's gonna happen too, right? Which, which could be pretty cool you if you keep doing that. Eventually you should start to meet more people who know more people, and that's what Facebook's already doing for you as an example. I like this idea. I like this concept. I've actually think I've been embracing this concept in my own life. Like not so much looking for a spouse, but looking to extend my friend group. Bring more people into that circle of that I know, that know me and I know them. If something were to come out of that, thumbs up, let's go, and just getting a. Getting acquainted with people, right? Increasing your, your acquaintances and, and your socializing. You, you, you have to be intentional about this. Building up a social calendar. I love this fact as well. I love this tip as well. You know, giving yourself something to look forward to. Like, oh yeah, I'm gonna go to this, this thing, that thing, this, oh, activity, this poetry thing, this, this concert. Whatever you got going on, whatever's going on in your life, you know? Um. For me, it is, it is always down for some, uh, religious events, some religious activities, uh, some get togethers, but nevertheless, filling up your calendar with those activities. So you're being super proactive, not just sitting back, you know, expecting people, I don't know, somehow to pour through your windows and through the doors of your house or apartment. That's just not gonna happen. That's not reality. So. Combat the loneliness with friendliness, right? If you wanna make your, if you wanna make friends, you must show yourself a friendly ons manual, giving us some deep insights there, some practical principles of how to be and meet people. You gotta get out and do it. Sadness and loneliness still may occur in doing all of this. I'd love that. I thought that was fabulous. You still may just have moments of like, man, I'm just alone and be honest. And sometimes the more you go out. Right. The more you realize that you're single. Ah, yeah. So this is not, this is not, well maybe it's foolproof, but it, it's, it doesn't come, uh, free of, um, any type of pain or, or, or, or it's not detached from reality. Right, you're gonna go out, maybe you're more active and unless you are specifically joining singles groups, then you might gonna run into seeing more couples and people founding their people, but they may know somebody who's single. And furthermore, I think about this whole, uh, running thing that was going on with singles, with joining run groups in the morning or in the evening. I mean, hey, that's not a bad idea. A couple thousand people go on a run together. You're exercising, killing a few birds with one stone. I like it. I dig it. Uh, maybe find a group you can go running with if that's your thing, but the loneliness is not necessarily gonna go away even if you're doing all these things. I love the fact that she brought that out and then kind of on a sad note, she ends by saying, yeah, I'm still single Mercy. Ah. Ah, why? Right in the heart, man. Oh, dad, that's terrible. That was just like, man, kind of felt sad for her. And let's, let's be honest, I, I wonder if any of us were kind of judging her, like, man, why you still single? What's wrong with you? Are you broken? What's happening happens? But she could be absolutely all right. Maybe she just has not found her person yet. Um, but it seems like she wants to be, uh, married, uh, or in a relationship she's. Doing all these things over, like the last, uh, I think she said she's not in her forties anymore. I mean, she's not in her thirties anymore right. Or something like that. So she's been at it for a little while. Um, but I like the fact that she's still encouraged and wanted to encourage others. Let me, now, let's read a few of the comments on this video. Valerie Road says. I have recently been feeling like a leftover woman at 35 and alone. Always was in long-term relationships. Serious relationships, but those unfortunately ended, oh, right there again, how much time was wasted? Friends don't do that to me. Don't do that to people. Get it together always in long-term, serious relationships with the s at the end, like none of those worked out, but those unfortunately ended. But I also see women who did the right thing, quote unquote, um, in getting married and having kids. Now they are divorced. Mercy and the children grew up and moved on. They ended up alone after all. Uh, I'm just trying to remember that starting a nuclear family holds no long-term promises of companionship or stability. Man, this is cold. Friends, mercy people are disenchanted with marriage. Um, I don't even know if I can. Alright, I have to agree. Marriage does not guarantee long-term companionship or stability. I hate to say it, but people are finicky man hearts. Are wicked. They are sinful. Someone will tell you I do. And they don't make it make sense. Why waste my time and my life? Wow. And now they are divorced and children grew up and moved away. She's basically saying in the end, it doesn't really matter. We're in the same boat. We're in the same place. You did it the right way, quote unquote. I did not do it the right way. And yet we're both here in our thirties, single, but you have kids. You're a divorcee. Wow. It's cold blooded man. I don't even know if I have a good response to this other than do the due diligence and find the right person who has the same intrinsic and moral values as you and who takes the marriage vows at a serious level. At a God level that will reduce mitigate. Some of the risk that goes into it, I believe. No, some, um, I think there was some corrections. I've heard about reports saying that, oh, divorce was 50% in the marriage, and I mean in the church and outside of the church. But I think I've heard and ran some, read some recent reports that, uh, that's not completely accurate, that those in religious, uh, circles and or married or married longer and actually are a little healthier. Next comment from Steve B 88. I've been married and divorced in my late twenties. No kids. Shout out to you, Steve. I'm now 35 and have been single ever since and planned to stay that way. Trust me when I say this, you're not missing anything, man. We really don't like marriage out here. Find things in life that make you happy and bring your joy and live for you. Okay, Steve? I, I, I disagree with you. I believe that a person cannot achieve and experience true happiness and love only living for themselves. Nature attests to this. Everything in nature dies or gives so that something else can live. Human beings are the only species, only creature on Earth that comes along and can decide, no, I'm gonna be selfish and just live for myself. I wanna submit to you, Steve, that even. Disease and sickness and mental health issues come, can stem from being selfish and just living for yourself. There's no happiness in that, but I would imagine that your divorce has left a very bad taste in your mouth and you want nothing to do with it. And I'm probably finding more joy and commitment in being alone and contentment in being alone. But I will say this to you, um, I truly enjoyed being married. It was not free from trial, though. There were times I wanted to give up. There were times I wanted to give, call it quits, uh, because I didn't want to change. I'm gonna be honest with you, friends, I didn't wanna make the necessary changes. So versus making the necessary changes, you punk out and you wanna throw in the towel. But looking back over the course of my marriage, it was the best thing, one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life, and I wish I would've. Gleaned more from it, appreciated it more, leaned into self-sacrificing love and dying to self, so I could have reaped the full benefit of the marriage union and institution. You hear what I'm saying? Let's get to this next comment. Kiki says, for those who are single and without kids in their thirties and forties. Don't be too sad. I am 43 married, one child, and I have never felt so lonely or sad in my life as I do now. Nothing is easy when it comes to relationships. We have to make ourselves happy. No one else will give that to us. I would like to piggyback on this, okay. A lot of times we look to our spouses to fulfill a void that only God can fulfill in us. I. Does that make sense? A lot of times we look to our spouses to fulfill and fill a void that only God can fulfill in us. So while your spouse is there and supposed to be your helpmate to complete, you complete the image of God. Praise the Lord. There's still not God. They're another human being that has their own ups and downs. They're all trials that go through depression, that go through, uh, feeling, feeling happy and feeling sad. And if you're looking solely to them, I would say this to you, to them at all to make you whole. You're looking in the wrong direction. You're putting your attention and your hope in an arm that will fail you no matter how much they love you. They can. And a lot of times they will fail you because they're human friends. Because they are human. Next comment. Love this comment. By the way, being single is hard. A relationship is hard. Raising kids is hard. Having no kids is hard. At the end of the day, life is not always peaches and cream. Just pick your battles. Wow. Some wisdom right there. If that ain't the truth. Ruth, shout out to this comment. What a practical, realistic insight It is what it is. What? What In life is gonna be easy. What in life that's worth having is easy. I mean, muscles just don't show up without any pain, you know? She's onto something. Uh, that's Shiva. All right, Shiva, go. Go ahead and drop dropping bombs on us. Hey, um, women that I'm meeting in thirties, forties, you know, they kind of fall into a few categories. I think, you know, they, they're boss babes. Some of them are boss babes. They are hardworking, career focused, career centered, career oriented, and maybe not so much family oriented. And do you, do I even fit into that equation? Do I want to deal with that? Is that the type of, uh, character and, and, and of a woman that I want, or characteristics of a woman that I want? One is a boss, babe. Then you have those who are divorced in our age group. And as you can see from some of the comments we read, they're not too happy with relationships, don't trust relationships, and not too fond of marriage. Then you got those who are divorced with kids, which is like a, maybe a double whammy potentially because they could be sour about the relationships and then are still trying to heal from their wounds just as a divorce person and that as a layer of children involved, which means there's a baby mother, baby father. Whew. Then there's those who are just looking to get married ASAP as fast as possible because they want to have children. So if I'm not of the mindset or the desire to have children, then that group is out. And then there are those who have never been married. Okay. Who are legitimate virgins. There are some of them out there, friends, and you have to just make sure that you're, you're aligned correctly. And a lot of them thirties, even into the forties are still. Some women are still trying to have children. Still want to have kids. So it's possible, like there, there's a ra. I mean, I've run into these different kind of women, uh, and a lot of, let say this too, um, the, the, the virgins are in, in church settings. Friends, just so we know. Men, if you listening, my brothers, you listening in church settings, man.'cause most mostly men listen to my podcast that they're in church settings, friends, they're, they're not out in the world. They're not, they're not. In large cities, in clubs. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but I'm, I'm not saying it's not an outlier out there, but I just think any wom I, why would I wanna marry a woman who's running around half naked showing her booty on Instagram and the in the street from? That's not my, that's not wifey material. Friends. Friends, I would like to just appeal to your, to the reality of what it is to be single and lonely or feeling lonely. In your thirties and maybe your forties, your community has changed. Your community is changing. When you were in your twenties, there was college, there were friends, high school, 16, 18, 19. This. There was more people in your age group to find and to be found. As you mature, get older, start the working, start working, that community shrinks down. That group just gets smaller. And smaller and smaller sometimes to the point where you're only seeing your coworkers. Meanwhile, everyone else around you is getting married, is moving on. Not saying that they're gonna have a successful marriage know 50% chance, but there are those who are successfully married, live a very long time together, have children become grandparents, et cetera. So here are some words of encouragement. I wanna lead with you from the owner's manual. Let your conversation be without covetousness, not desiring what others have and be content with the things or such things as you have and why. Friends, for He have said, I will never leave thee, nor for Hebrews 13, verse five. I'm Gordon McGee. This is the No Pills Podcast. Love fully scripted. And I'm signing off, and I'll catch you next week.