No Pillz with Gordon McGhee

Breakup Advice No One Tells You

• Gordon McGhee • Season 2 • Episode 88

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Ep 88 How to Get Over a Breakup: A Christian's Guide to Healing & Forgiveness

In this episode of the No Pillz Podcast, Love Fully Scripted host Gordon McGhee shares a Christian perspective on how to get over a breakup.

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Now, this one might be hard for some of us. I'm thinking especially for, for my men, seek support and community men, it's, listen, it's okay to cry after a breakup, man. It's, it's fine. In 3, 2, 1. Welcome back to the No Pills podcast. Love fully scripted. I'm Gordon McGee, and today getting over a breakup with tackling a topic that many of us have faced and will likely face. S at some point in our lives. It's a painful experience. Friends, is it not? Am I, am I lying? It's painful for those of you who are, uh, not too wet behind the ears, as they say, not too young, but you've been out here in a relationship and. It stinks, man. When it, when it goes south, the breakup is never fun. It is a painful experience, but I want to talk to you about how we can navigate that pain, uh, not just from a psychological perspective, but also from the owner's manuals perspective, as we always do. Over here at the No Pills Podcast, we'll also touch on the different forms of infidelity that can cause a breakup. Because as Christians, while unfaithfulness shouldn't happen, uh, we know that we live in a fallen world, and it does occur even within Christian relationships. I've seen some pretty tough stories online recently, like the, uh, soldier whose fiance FaceTimed him to tell him she was pregnant with another man's baby and then went on to start crying and asked him if he cared what. What, like how is this about you at this point in time? How did that happen? Where, where did we, where did we lose the, where did we use, where do we, we lost the plot to? To the, wow. That is crazy. I'm sure someone's gonna say narcissist in the comments, but True story friends. Or what about the man who came home early to find his wife in bed with her male best friend? Trying to tell you about these opposite sex best friends man, and some of you may even remember the story about the man, I think he was from Idaho. He was going to commit adultery with his wife's best friend, only to have his wife open the door and ask him what was going on. You got me. He was set up, friends, set up, found out the sisterhood. Oh man. You know, uh, none of this is funny though. Friends, none of this is comical. People are being hurt, hearts are being torn outta chest. Some people never bounced back from infidelity. They never bounced back from being cheated on. So my goal today is to give you the tools and the mindset to be able to bounce back, uh, to be able to continue living and to not just be totally overtaken and. Have your whole worldview skewed to your own hurt and detriment, uh, because of someone else's actions, uh, because of someone else's sin. These situations are devastating and they highlight the different levels of infidelity that exist. It's not just the physical act of adultery. It can also be pornography, subscribing to OnlyFans, flirting online men. And I'm assuming now more women are being involved in this too. But I don't think we understand how much harm can be done to your marriage, to your own mental health, to your own physical health through pornography, how it makes your spouse feel. Um, now we're subscribing to OnlyFans. Some men, God have mercy. You're taking God's money. And spending it on a woman that's not yours who is openly presenting as a woman of the night, as a harlet, and you're giving God's money and the resources for your family to this adulterous woman we're, you're asking your wife to accept a lot brothers. That's a. That's a lot you are asking your wife to take on. Then there's the flirting online, you know, uh, the profiles, the, the back and forths. You're DMing somebody else of the opposite sex and you're married. Then there's using social media, uh, as a. Just in case little black book, you know? You know what I'm saying? Ladies, you got so many men reaching out to you, DMing you. You always keep a couple on the hook. You always have somebody in queue just in case your husband cheats on you, boyfriend cheats on you, or you just plain get bored and you're ready to move on. Then there's posting nearly naked photos of yourself online for everyone in the whole wide world. To see, and we think that this is being faithful. This is definitely being unfaithful friends or having that work wife or work husband, that person at the job who you tell too much of your business to. You're too close to and too intimate with at an emotional or physical level. Yeah, I said it. So how do you begin to heal from this? First, let's start by talking about some practical advice that you very well might get even from a clinical psychologist. One, take time to grieve. Yeah, friend. Take time to grieve. A, A breakup sometimes can be equated to losing a loved one to death. So it's okay to feel the pain. Some psychologists say that a year of grief after a significant loss is well within the realm of normative. So, so don't be impatient with yourself. Give yourself some time to, to, to go through the emotions, to work it out in your mind and to realize that, hey, and to recognize I've suffered a significant loss, like this hurts and it's supposed to hurt. It's not supposed to feel good like this is. This is how life is, you know, down here. And so I, I, I have to embrace it and give yourself the time to do that. Don't feel rushed. You'll see some post online, uh, talking about how to get over a breakup fast. Why? Why? Why are you in a rush? You wanna make sure that you're healed. You're in a healthy place. It's like going back to the gym after an injury, but you're not fully healed yet. A lot of times you'll end up hurting yourself more than had you just waited and rested and taken the time. Amen. Hope you, hope. You get what I'm saying there. Two, avoid bitterness, bitterness and cynicism are not your friends. Okay? Don't over generalize and assume that your ex. Is a representative of all men or all women. We are all guilty of this. Maybe not all, but I see it so much online. All women, all men, they all cheat. They all lie. They all know good. Who hurt you friend. That is not a true statement. All men, all women are not the same. They all don't do the same thing. While there may be some. Common denominators out there. Why? There may be some general, uh, statistics that you could apply. You can't paint with such a broad brush. It's only hurting you. We have to live in reality. Three, reflect on your own actions. I know, especially if you were cheated on, it's like, what? My actions, bro, brother Gordon, what are you talking about? Here's what I'm saying. Instead of only focusing on what the other person did. And what they did wrong. Take a look at your own role in the relationships end saying why? Because this is especially important if you see a pattern in your relationships. Hmm. Maybe you're selecting the same type of person with the same type of character defects, and you find yourself in this cycle, this endless loop. You need to recognize that. I mean, how, how, how many times can you be the victim before you gotta say to yourself, man, what's my role in this? How come I'm always being victimized? Is it real? Am I, am I seeing things for what they are? Or am I missing something in the process? You know, in the selection process. Number four, reevaluate your ideals. What do I mean? You may have the tendency to penalize. Is that a, is that a word? To put your partner on a pedestal, France, you know, have them high and lifted up. You have all these expectations. This behavior can be demeaning to both people, and usually it isn't attractive, meaning you have to demean yourself in order to lift them up. Kind of beat yourself down, not, not see yourself for who God has called you to be. And you can't be who you're supposed to be in a relationship. It's a projection of an unconscious idealization that can cause problems because the person will inevitably do what? Do something that breaks that ideal. And now you and them both are just. In a world of hurt, they don't know how to communicate with you. They, they didn't know they were doing something wrong. They didn't know what the expectations were because it was all in our minds. So number five, let go of the ideal. Okay? In order to have a real mature relationship, you must give up the prince or princess ideals that many of us carry. The white knight and shining white armor, whatever we got going on, you know? It's gonna be swept off our feet. She'll be perfect in every way. We'll never have any issues and whatever fantasies we tell ourselves, it's a sacrifice, right? To give up these ideals. But what you gain is the ability to have auth, an authentic, mature relationship with a real person, not some figment of your imagination. Now, as Christians. We can take all of that great advice, come on and lay a biblical foundation underneath it all. Now, the Bible doesn't have a a section titled How to Overcome a Breakup, but it provides immense guidance, comfort, and wisdom for a broken heart. Our approach is centered on faith, reliance on God, and a focus on personal and spiritual growth. Come on, and here are some of the key biblical principles to apply. You want to acknowledge your pain and take it to God. That's the first thing. Acknowledge it. Realize it. Accept it, and then bring that right to God. The Bible validates your heartbreak. Encourages you to bring your sorrow to God, who is a source of what comfort and healing. Psalms 34 18 comes to mind and it says, the Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Come on in first. Peter chapter five, verse seven tells us to cast all our. Anxiety, all our cares on him. And because he cares for you. It's okay to grieve friends and to cry. Come on. Male or female men, it's, listen, it's okay to cry after a breakup, man. It's, it's fine. It's just showing you how much you really adored and loved this person and wanted it to work out. It's okay to grieve and cry. Don't suppress those emotions. Instead, lay them at God's feet in prayer. Remember, he heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Next thing you wanna do, you wanna trust in God's plan and sovereignty. Oh, this is heavy friends. This one's heavy. A breakup can bring a lot of uncertainty. The Bible encourages us to trust that God is in control and has a good plan, even when it's hard to see. And when you think like, where's God in this? This is, there's so much pain. Jeremiah 29 verse 11 is a powerful reminder for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. This perspective helps us shift our focus from what a perceived failure to the belief that God can use this difficult experience for a great purpose in our lives. And we know that all things work together for good to them, that love God to them that are called or the called according to his purpose. That's Romans eight verse 28. Next thing you wanna do, focus on forgiveness. Holding on to bitterness and resentment will hinder your healing. Did you hear me? It's like smoking cigarettes and then the wound won't be able to heal from the cigarette, smoke from the nicotine, from the poison, from the, from the tobacco. Ephesians four verse 32 tells us to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. Friends. Once you receive the forgiveness of God, you will be hard pressed to not extend that forgiveness to other people. Am I lying? Can anybody testify as they say, I'm being real friends. You need the love of God, the forgiveness of God, so you can communicate that's divine, so you can communicate that and give that to other people, thereby in process setting yourself free. We are instructed not to be bitter. Yeah. Did you know that? What is bitterness? I want, I wanna explain this first. What is bitterness? Friends, when someone wrongs you, they have an opportunity to experience guilt, right? They've wronged you. They feel bad for it. They're experiencing guilt. But what you have opportunity to experience is bitterness. So no matter if they apologize a hundred times or if they never get a chance to apologize at all because they die, the bitterness can remain with you. With an apology, without an apology in their life or in their death. Bitterness is your choice. Bitterness is our choice. We must come to a place where we're willing to surrender that bitterness to God. What does the scripture say? Let all bitterness and raft and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. I see Ephesians four, verse 31. The scripture tells us not to have any malice and not to be bitter, taught someone who what even wrongs us friends. Forgiveness is an act of faith and a choice to release the other person from your judgment, which allows you to move forward without the burden of anger. Next thing you wanna do, you wanna cultivate peace in a renewed mindset. The Bible offers guidance on managing our thoughts, does it not? Philippians four verses six and seven. What does it say? Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving. Lord, thank you. I mean, in this breakup, it's time to bust out your gratitude list. Okay. With Thanksgiving, we ought to present our requests to God. Thank you, Lord, that you allowed this breakup to take place. Thank you, Lord, that you allow me to feel pain. Thank you, Lord, that I'm being able to cry and you've been here crying with me. Lord, I want my heart to be healed. Lord, men, me, fix me. Give me strength. Help me move forward in you. Help me not to be jaded. Help me not to hold on to bitterness. Help me to release all my bitterness. Help me not to generalize or overgeneralize now the opposite sex because of this poor experience that I've had. You've gotta be honest with God, France. He knows he was there. He's heard it all. He's seen it all. This is how we have to make our request to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding. Hallelujah will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. We need to actively take captive negative thoughts, friends, and replace them with thoughts that are what? True noble, right? Whatever is pure as Philippians four verse eight advisors. Now, this one might be a. Hard for some of us. I'm thinking especially for, for my men, seek support and community. I feel like women are a lot better at this as far as always having a girlfriend, always having someone to talk to. So many men go to work, go to the gym, and kind of operate and live in silos and in silence. With no one to talk to, no one to reach out to, no one to share heartbreak with you are not meant to go through this alone. The Bible encourages us to lean on our community during times of struggle. Friends, Galatians six, verse two, if you don't believe me, says, carry each other's burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. Connecting with trusted friends and family or your church community can provide the support and perspective you need to heal and move on. Brothers, I'm talking to you, my sisters, I'm talking to you. It is said it is better to prevent dis-ease than to treat it. So friends, improve your selection process and remember to be equally yoked. Maybe the individuals you're selecting are not the ones that God would have you select, I would imagine. And I think that God doesn't want us to have to have, uh, to court a hundred people in order to find the right one. He doesn't want, he doesn't want us to have to court three or four or five people in order for us to find the right one. I think he would desire to lead us right to the person that we are equally yoked with. Now his timing may be different than our timing. A lot of times we wanted it yesterday, we want it right now. We want it quick. We don't wanna wait maybe 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10 years. We, you know, we want it when we want it, but if we're calling out to God, if we're leaning on God, let us do more of the due diligence upfront. Be more prayerful upfront in the selection process so we can mitigate the risk of having our hearts broken because. Friends, it's not fun. It's not pleasant at all. Even in the courting stage, even when you, you know, 'cause you get your hopes up sometimes, right? You get your hopes up, you get excited. You think, oh man, this might be the one. Like, okay, our next single guy, oh, this might. And then, and what's your name? My name is Uche Uche. How old are you? And you feel terrible. But you've gotta take these steps and move on right in the process. It's us. It is not necessarily them if, if they weren't playing games with you, if they weren't leading you on, just you got your hopes up too high too soon. Improve your selection process, friends. But if you are in the midst of a breakup, give yourself time to grieve and be patient. Don't let bitterness take root. Come on, reflect on your own actions. Give up any idealized notions and most importantly, lean on God, your community, and the wisdom you find in his word in the owner's manual. I'm Gordon McGee and this is The No Pills Podcast. Love fully scripted, and I'm signing off, and I will catch you next week.