Responding to Toxic People

Unfortunately, the holidays seem to cause toxic people to manifest more than usual. How do we respond as Christians? How can we handle these relationships and keep our peace? Dr. Ray Self will answer these questions in this crucial show for the holidays and as you move into the new year.  

Proverbs 13:20  He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.  

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Show host bio - 

Dr. Ray Self founded Spirit Wind Ministries Inc. and the International College of Ministry. He holds a Doctorate in Christian Psychology and a Doctorate in Theology. He currently resides in Winter Park, Florida. He is married to Dr. Christie Self and has three sons and a daughter. 

Transcript

Hello, everyone, this is Dr. Ray Self. Thank you for listening to today's show. This is episode 201. Hard to believe. And by the way, as the year ends, if you'd like to make a tax-deductible donation which really affects the kingdom of God, please consider donating to this ministry. We are a 501C3. Easiest way to do that is go to icmcollege.org/donate. Any donation helps us to scholarship people with financial difficulties and reach the lost, for the message of Jesus Christ. I appreciate you listening to this show about toxic people and responding to them during the holidays. I pray you have a blessed new year and uh, that you had a great Christmas, and God bless you. Thanks again for listening. This is Dr. Ray Self.

[Music]

Okay, folks, here we go. Heavenly Father, I thank you for everyone listening to the show today. I pray, Father, that you will use me to use my voice to be a healer today. In the name of Jesus Christ, Father, we give you praise and honor. Amen, amen. You know, I've always wondered what it is about special occasions that causes unhealthy people, or that word, toxic people. to manifest more than usual. You know, that's a difficult question to answer, and I don't have a good answer for it, but I do know that it seems to happen. It's like, whenever there's a special occasion, something going on - like right now this is– I'm recording this during the Christmas season - it seems like the toxic people just come out of the bushes so to speak. But the million-dollar question is, how do we respond and how do we keep our peace when we're around unhealthy people, period? You know, I wish I could say that everybody in my family is healthy and never has an adverse effect on me or other people, and you know, that's just– it's not realistic. We used to say about uh, the Self family that um, we're so dysfunctional, we put the fun in dysfunction. And, you know, my family, growing up, it was - I love my family, and we were a good Christian home with a lot of…some unhealthy stuff going on. And it, it had an effect even on me. I'm 73 years old as I'm recording this podcast, and I'm still affected by things from my past, messages that I received as a kid. You think at some point you’d get over all this stuff, but you never completely do. You just have to fight it and continually remember who you are in Christ. 

So I want to read a scripture to you, and I hope this will, will help you. The first scripture comes from Proverbs, and this is Proverbs 13:20, “He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” “...companion of fools will suffer harm,” and as you know, the book of Proverbs talks a lot about wise men and foolish men. And let's look at Proverbs 22. Proverbs 22 says, verse 24 and 25, “Do not associate with a man given to anger or go with a hot-tempered man; you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.” We can also find something in the book of Timothy that gives us a warning about toxic folks. And Second Timothy 3 gives us a warning about toxic people. This is a really severe warning. And I want to give you some answers to all this, but let's look at this. Second Timothy 3, beginning at verse one. “But realize this: that in the last days, difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, reelers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious, gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness but denying the power thereof.” Boy, that's dysfunctional people, amen. That's about as toxic as they come. 

But, here's what I want to get across: In life - and I, I've lived a long time, and I plan on living a lot longer - we will get around unhealthy people. Now, when you're around an unhealthy person out in the world, say it's at– shopping at Walmart, or you're at Home Depot, or whatever - you know, men, we go to Home Depot. Then…you know, these toxic people, you're, you see them all the time, you just kind of look at them, and you just maybe feel sorry for them, and you just don't think much about it. You know, “that's just a…that's, that's a crazy person, that's a toxic person. Boy, that guy is really unhealthy.” But when it is someone close to you, someone you're in a relationship with, or someone at a family gathering, that's different. You see, these people can get under your skin; they can penetrate your soul. Their words, their actions carry weight. And, it's tough, and it's not easy, but there is a way to handle it. I want you to hear me, there is a way to handle this. Now, you know, I've been around a lot– a lot of unhealthy people, and there's sometimes - hear me, I'm, I'm a counselor, got my doctorate in Christian psychology, all this great theological stuff, and, and I– it still affects me. Well, what happens is because these family members or close friends, inadvertently because of their actions, it, it, their words carry weight, whereas strangers’ words and actions do not carry weight with you. Not only do your family members and friends carry a lot of weight in their words and actions, but it can affect you in a deep level and even trigger you with old memories and old messages that could go back many, many years. 

Let me tell you something about emotions. Memories have emotions. Memories fade away with time, but emotions tend not to…not to age. Emotions don't age, so what happens is when you are around this, this unhealthy person and they do something that is disrespectful or, or sarcastic or…that's just, just rude or you know, kind of out there, it can trigger an old memory and an emotion can surface that you may have not felt this emotion for 20 years, and all of a sudden the emotion reoccurs. And it seems to happen much more with people who are, are close to you. These people have an effect on you. And, the toxic person can, can ruin your day, can ruin your holiday, can ruin your Christmas, your New Year's, or whatever it is. Now, when we celebrate the holidays, we're around our family and friends. And I wish I could say my whole family is, is healthy, filled with the Holy Spirit, and…always moving in love and…but you know, that's just not reality, okay? We, we have– most people have some unhealthy and maybe even that catch word, ‘toxic–’ oh, the other catch word nowadays, everybody's ‘narcissistic,’ you know, that ‘narcissistic, toxic family member.’ I don't know why these words are such catchwords now. Uh, you know, we used to say ‘unhealthy,’ but the point is these unhealthy people who are close to us, their words, their actions, can penetrate us and hurt us, and affect us like nobody else on the planet. And during the holidays, we will have…typically, most people have more exposure to this. 

But how do we handle this and not let it ruin our day? Well, there's some principles in the word of God which will actually help you, and I want to read another scripture. Now, I'm just not trying to quote a bunch of scriptures today to you and say, “Okay, here.” I'm not trying to throw, throw Bible verses at you. Matter of fact, I do not like people who just throw Bible verses at every situation. Now, the Bible is my guidebook; it is the truth, but there is a principle in - believe it or not - in Jeremiah, okay, that can help you understand the way God sees this, and how we can respond or not respond and keep that peace that the Bible says passes all understanding. There is a prophecy in the Old Testament about the New Covenant which actually tells us how– gives us a key on how we can keep our peace and our sanity around toxic people. Now, now hear me, hear me as I read the scriptures to you, and I'll explain it. When I first read it, you're going to think that doesn’t make sense, but it will when I explain it to you. So in Jeremiah 31, starting at verse 29, the word of God says - now he's referring to the coming New Covenant, the coming of the New Covenant, okay. Jeremiah 31:29, “In those days they will not say again: ‘the fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge.’” Verse 30, “But everyone will die for his own iniquity; each man who eats sour grapes, his teeth will be set on edge.” Verse 31, “Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah.” Now, what does it mean, “the fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on,” age– “edge?” What that means is in the old covenant, okay, when the fathers sinned, the family could also be held accountable for that sin, okay. So in other words, the responsibility for sin, it says, “The fathers have eaten sour grapes…the children's teeth are set on edge.” In other words, so the fathers did something, and the children are suffering the consequence. But you look at verse 30, “everyone will die for his own iniquity. Each man who eat sour grapes, his teeth will be set on edge.” Now, what that means is - that's kind of a weird scripture - what it means very clearly is in the New Covenant, every one of us are responsible for our own actions, and we are not responsible for other people's actions. Hear that. You are accountable for your words, your thoughts, your actions, your reactions. You are not - hear me clearly - you are not accountable or responsible for the actions of another person. God holds each– in the New Covenant, God holds each one of us responsible for our words, our actions, our thoughts, and I am not responsible for another person's words or actions. 

Well, how does that set me free? It does set me free because when I'm around an unhealthy person, and they do something that is unhealthy, or they say something that is incorrect, or they do something that causes harm, that is their business, it is…I like to use this word: that is their garbage, that is their stuff. And I let them own it, I let them keep it, I feel sorry for them, I'm willing to pray for them, but I do not take any accountability or any ownership of their actions. And by that thought process, that this is their thoughts, this is their words, this is their stuff, this is their behavior; even though they're directing at me, it doesn't belong to me, it is not mine, it is theirs, it belongs to them, I will not receive their trash. I will not take their trash, I will not take their garbage, I will not receive it. Even though they're trying to hand it to me and they're telling me I deserve it or this belongs to me. I know, according to the word of God, that God holds them responsible for their sin and does not hold me responsible for their sin. God holds me responsible for my actions or my sin. But that wall, that barrier, that understanding makes me realize that I am not responsible, or the cause of, or I have no ownership of other people's actions. That's called freedom; it's also, uh, related to boundaries. You've heard us talk about boundaries, you know, Henry Cloud did that great book on, on boundaries. 

So how do you get peace in this, because when I'm around someone who's toxic and unhealthy, and even though they're trying to dump that on me, I realize, you know what, that's their stuff, that is their unhealthy behavior, that is their actions. And I, I think to myself, “Well, God bless them.” I'm really sorry that they feel that way. I am sorry, I have compassion for them, I am concerned that they're that unhealthy. It concerns me, I have, uh, feeling– I have some empathy for them. But I do not have ownership of their stuff, even though they're directing the insult at me. I have decided that that is their thoughts, it's their opinion, it is their– and I use the word again, it is their garbage. And you know what? In my mind, they own it; I don't own it at all. And I really like the expression, I just used it a minute ago and I, I learned this expression years ago, and sometimes I've actually used it when I'm around a toxic person. I will look at them, and I go, “Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way,” or, “I'm sorry that you think that.” Now, what those words go, “I'm sorry you feel that way,” “I'm sorry you think that way,” that is telling them, “you're trying to pass me this unhealthy ball. I'm not taking the pass, I'm letting you keep it.” “I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm sorry you think that, I'm sorry you act this way,” that is saying that I am not holding on to your garbage, I'm not letting your garbage penetrate my soul, I'm not, I'm not taking any blame or any responsibility for your behavior because God says in His word each person is responsible for their own behavior, okay? So when I get this in my spirit, and I know that I don't have any responsibility for their behavior, I get free. My responsibility is my behavior. Now, if I'm around a toxic person, and then I respond in an unhealthy way, okay, that's on me. That's my garbage, that's my responsibility, I need to repent of that, ask God to forgive me, and I've got peace. 

Now, we're not superhuman, and we will respond sometimes— we will react to these hurtful things they say and do, I mean, it's, it's hard to be perfect. But when I begin to understand that God does not hold me and does not blame me and does not make me accountable for the unhealthy person's stuff - even though they're trying to blame you for their words - they, they, they, they'll say things like, “Well, you made me think this, you deserve this, you, you made me act this way.” Those are lies. Nobody makes somebody act the way they act. People choose to act the way they act. One day I had this picture, and somebody said, “You, you made me say that.” I'm going, “Really? So what did I do, I put a gun to your head?” And I said, “I forced you to say those words? I didn't make you say anything. I didn't make you do anything. You decided to do it.” Actions are a choice, thoughts are a choice, and how we respond to those thoughts and how we respond to those actions are a choice. I am responsible for my thoughts, I'm responsible for my reactions, but 100%, 100% guaranteed, you are not responsible for this unhealthy person's words, actions, thoughts, methods, even though they will try to blame you and say you caused it, you deserve this. No, they are the ones that are unhealthy. It is their stuff, it is their garbage, it's their mess, it's their unhealthy triggers, it's their junk. I don't receive it, but my response to them is compassion, love, understanding, but not taking any ownership of their behavior. Hear me, do not take any ownership of their behavior.

Now there's a saying that sounds kind of strange, but I, I've used this for years, um…for many years I worked in retail. If you've ever worked in retail, you know, you come across all kinds of people. Working in retail’s like an old Clint Eastwood western. You have the good, the bad, and the ugly, hahaha. There are good people, bad people, ugly people. But I realized and I, and I use this thought all the time, what other people think of me is none of my business. And, ‘cause, see, I used to think what other people think of me is my business, well, it's not. See, that's their thoughts. It's their words, it's their behavior. So their behavior is their business, my behavior is my business. And, and I remember, I kept this thought in my mind: what other people think of me is none of my business, what other people think of me is none of my business. And so I'd be around the most toxic, rudest, awful customer and have perfect peace. And anything, I felt sorry for them, and I might even pray for them, you know, kind of under my breath. 

So understand this: you are not accountable or responsible for other people's sin, sinful behavior, or words; even though they may try to make you. They love– see people who are toxic want to share the blame for their behavior on you. They want you to– they want to excuse their behaviors by things like, “You made me do this, you deserve this, this is, this is who you are.” No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're a child of God, a joint heir with Jesus Christ, above and not beneath, ahead and not the tail. You do not deserve unkind, unloving, unhealthy words. You deserve love, kindness, and respect, and you are not accountable for or responsible for other people's words or actions. So when you're around a toxic family at Christmas or New Year's or whenever it is - a birthday occasion - just know when people manifest ugly, that's their business, it's not your business. It's their ugliness, it's not your ugliness. God holds them responsible for their actions; does not hold you responsible for their actions. “Behold, they will no longer say: ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, the children's teeth are set on edge.’ Each one will die for their own iniquity.” So their iniquity belongs to them, not to you. And knowing this, and practicing this can give you peace in the midst of unhealthy, dysfunctional people. And you can actually have compassion for them and love them and pray for them without receiving and being affected so much by their mess, amen. 

So I hope this show has been a blessing to you, uh, uh…if this, if you're listening to this before Christmas, Merry Christmas. If not, I hope you had a great Christmas, have a great 2025, uh, this is Dr. Ray Self, and God bless you, thank you so much. Be sure and share this podcast with some people and subscribe and download, you know the routine. God bless you, thank you so much.

[Music]

Thank you so much for listening to episode 201 of Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. Thank you so much. And guys, you know the routine. You know, uh, I've asked you to consider donating to this ministry to help us, but what you can do - if you don't want to donate, that's fine, it's up to you and the Lord - but maybe if you can subscribe, write a review, uh, these things help us, okay? Share it, you know, share the podcast with people to increase our downloads, to increase the number of people that we can reach with this show. That's all. I just want to help people, I want to bring the healing, healing to people, I want to bring the word of God to people. I'm a minister and, and, and I'm called to minister and to set captives free, that's what I'm called to do and uh…just help me do it, just help me do it any way that you see. I thank you so much, and I pray for everyone listening to this show that the Holy Spirit would come and touch you the moment you hear my voice and, and give you His healing, His power, His love, and that peace that passes all understanding. Peace and joy of the Lord, let it be yours. Let the name of Jesus Christ always be glorified. Thank you so much. Amen, amen. 

Be sure and check out my books on Amazon. Got three books, Hear His Voice, be His Voice; Redeeming Your Past, Finding Your Promised Land, and The Call, uh, by Do– all these are by Dr. Ray Self on Amazon. Don't forget to subscribe. If you want to donate, God bless you, that's icmcollege.org/donate. That helps us. Again, we're a tax-deductible 501C3, but whatever you do, know that I care about you and I'm grateful that you're listening to my show. God bless you.