A Job Done Well - Making Work Better

Overcommitted and Underdelivering? Here’s How to Say No.

• Jimmy Barber, James Lawther • Season 3 • Episode 19

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Saying no isn’t about being difficult—it’s about protecting your priorities, your sanity, and, ironically, your relationships. In this episode of A Job Done Well, Jimmy and James dissect the art of the polite but firm refusal, exposing why so many of us default to “yes” and the damage it quietly inflicts. From the social wiring that makes us people-pleasers to the hierarchical pressures of the workplace, they unpack the psychological traps that turn us into overcommitted, underdelivering messes.

The hosts share their own cringe-worthy tales of saying yes when they should’ve said no—James’s ill-fated stint as a 70th-birthday party host, Jimmy’s recency bias leading to future regret, and the time a bully of a boss met his match with a single, unapologetic “no.” They reveal how saying no isn’t just liberating; it’s a career-saver. Overcommitting leads to half-baked work, missed deadlines, and a reputation as the office “yes man”—a fate worse than being the person who occasionally pushes back.

But how do you actually say no without burning bridges? Jimmy and James offer tactical advice: negotiate trade-offs, redirect requests to the right person, or simply be honest about your capacity. They also challenge listeners with three hard questions: What are you saying yes to that you resent? Who do you need to have a more honest conversation with? And if you said no to just one thing this month, what would it be?

The episode’s core message? Every “yes” is a “no” to something else. Whether it’s your daughter’s nursery pickup, your own mental health, or the work that actually matters, learning to say no is about owning your priorities—not your boss’s, not your colleagues’, and certainly not your future self’s.


Five Key Points:

  • Social wiring and hierarchy make saying no feel like a career risk—but the real risk is overcommitting and underdelivering.
  • Saying no can earn respect. The bully who never troubled James again? The boss who valued Jimmy’s honesty? Boundaries build credibility.
  • The “yes man” trap: Agreeing to everything leads to a reputation for unreliability. Reliability beats availability.
  • Tactics for saying no: Negotiate trade-offs, redirect requests, or be honest about your capacity. It’s not confrontation—it’s clarity.
  • Every yes is a no to something else. Protect what matters most, whether it’s family time, focus, or your own well-being.

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Speaker 5:

Hello, I'm James. Hi, I'm Jimmy and welcome to a Job Done Well, the podcast that helps you improve your performance enjoyment at work.

James:

Good afternoon. What are we talking about today then?

Jimmy:

afternoon, James. Today we are talking about saying no and the power that can give you.

James:

Very good. Sounds fascinating. Tell me more.

Jimmy:

Well, most people don't struggle to say no because they're weak. They struggle to say no because they wanna be helpful. They don't wanna be seen in perceived as being difficult. They're worried about their reputation, they're relationships, they're worried about getting on. There's a whole load of things that people worry about. When they're thinking about saying no, and the irony is often by not saying no, they damage all the things that they're holding dear. So saying yes feels like you're doing a positive things in the moment, but over time it can self-sabotage you. So we are going to share some ways that make it easier to say no, so you can get more control focused and enhance your relationships, not damage them.

James:

Alright then. So go on. Tell me more. What are the reasons, why do we struggle to say no?

Jimmy:

Well, I think there's a few things. I think it's, there's social wiring. We're. We're pro conditioned to be agreeable, and yes, feels agreeable. No feels disagreeable at a most fundamental level. I think there's also the hierarchical issue that often happens at work. You don't like to say no to your bosses, so anything that comes downwards. You're gonna say yes to. And I think that changes how you view saying no emotionally at times you get asked for something and you don't really quite understand So rather than. Explore it and understand it. You just say yes and hope that things will work themselves out. And also I think people worry about the future cost. If I say no, what's going to happen in the future? What does this do to my career, my relationships, my performance my reputation, all that sort of stuff. So I think all of those factors are things why we struggle to say no at times.

James:

And I guess actually we struggle for different reasons.

Jimmy:

Oh yeah.

James:

of those, yeah, some of those really play strongly for me and others. Oh, much less Do you know my personal experience? Where have I said yes to something where I

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

say where I should have said no? Well, the one that springs to mind was a social thing actually, and a friend of mine turned seven. who are turning 17 and he wanted to do a sort of onstage version of, this is your life now you've gotta be heading towards 70 to understand what this was your life was. But he asked me to be the host for it.

Jimmy:

Amen Homes. Eat your high.

James:

Oh my God. Anyway, I have to say it was the most appalling, dreadful went on for hours, these hours of my life. But I said it'cause I was saying yes to Mike. Do you know what I mean? It was'cause he was a friend of mine socially. I will say yes to

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

your point about social w wiring I think is really important. I should have said no, but I said yes.

Jimmy:

And I think, we've all done things that, for the sake of a relationship. I guess my experience like you say, and I think that's a really Im important point is some of the things that we raise will resonate in some way. Because it is an individual thing. The reason why I struggle to say no might be different from yours. In fact, you revel saying in saying no because you like winding people up a lot of the time. But that's a whole different episode, isn't it really?

James:

who deserve to be wound up.

Jimmy:

In your opinion,

James:

Yeah,

Jimmy:

which is obviously always right. Of course, yes, of course. But I guess my experience of saying no is actually, I found that. It back to the hierarchical thing when I was more junior in my career. I struggled to say no to anything. As I got to be more senior. I was much more confident and able to, control my destiny much more. But the one flaw I have in saying yes or no to things is I have a recency bias to things. So if you ask me to do something like, I don't know, say you asked me. To go out and spend some time with some people. I don't really like if you say, ask me, should I come out tonight? No way. Absolutely no charge. You ask me the exact same thing, say in three months time, I'd like you to come. I'll be a F fine. It's almost like I, I don't like my future self, so I don't really care.'cause it isn't happening in the short term. So I have regularly found myself agreeing to things and then as I get close to'em, it's like, why on earth did I agree to that? So that's my flaw with it is

James:

I am the hierarchy one's an interesting one as well.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

My problem is a little bit, and I've probably said this before, is I am a bit of a truth seeker,

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

will do what I think is right rather than necessarily what somebody tells me. And actually somebody starts to tell me and starts to push me to do something that I really won't want to do, that my ankles go up and I will say no more strongly. And then. We had the conversation, I'm sure I've had the conversation on the podcast once about one guy I work for, he started screaming at me across the table like, will you do this? Yes or yes. And started banging the table board room full of about people. My answer was no, sorry.'cause I can't guarantee it'll work.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

and it, it was very stressful situation. But to your point, it sabotages you. The interesting thing is, after that, he never never bullied me again because I said no to him. So there is a real power in saying it, but it's very difficult when it's going on.

Jimmy:

There is, I've got a couple of other examples just to, to add in. So on a small level when we were originally working at Capital One, one of the senior team who I not long joined, I went passed a desk to ask her something. And I said to her, have you got a, have you got a minute to talk about this? And it was one of those, when you say are you right? How's it going? And you expect the answer to always be yes.

James:

Yeah.

Jimmy:

turned around to me and said, no, I can't do that at the moment. Can you come back later? And I was like, oh. And I, I think I've mentioned this on the podcast before. But actually that really stuck with me. And I went back late and she helped me no problem. But that tiny thing, but had a big impact on me just because at the time it felt awkward and then afterwards I thought, no, that's right, isn't it? Think about your priorities. Focused on what your priorities. I'm just taking her off track for what could be some absolute nonsense.

James:

Yeah.

Jimmy:

And so she rightly, pushed back on that. The other one that's perhaps a bit of a bigger one. I was working in an organization once, doing well, and my boss was leaving and a few people asked me if I wanted to apply for the job. And I'd have a really good chance and I'd be great at the job and get a promotion and. I was on the verge of saying yes, and then I realized two things. One, I was only saying yes because of ego. And two, I didn't like the work that they had to do and I loved the work that I was doing. So I said no, I wasn't going to throw my hat in the ring. And actually that was one of those sliding doors, moments in my life.

James:

yeah.

Jimmy:

Actually, it changed the course of the next few years for me.

James:

But Well, but that's quite interesting because you do end up saying yes to things. Because they, you sort of perceive them as being the right thing to do, and the people tell you that they're the right thing to do, but they're not necessarily the right thing for you to do. Yeah. I was quite impressed. My daughter, bless my youngest daughter who's a bit of a swat and she her school were pressurizing her to apply to Oxford to go to university.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

She said no, she didn't wanna go to Oxford. And I was quite impressed by that because You get a bit starstruck by some of these things and people thinking you can do that. But knowing your own What's important is really yeah. Very

Jimmy:

yeah. It's similar to experience to mine. And again, thinking back when we were working together at Capital One, I took a promotion to the next level up, and it was a big promotion. But I just got swept away in the glory of it all. And actually the job I ended up doing at that next level up pulled the pants off me. I didn't enjoy it at all, I just got carried away with the promotion. My boss's boss knew that I wasn't enjoying it particularly, and he said to me, he was the one who promoted me, he said to me, oh, you shouldn't have taken that job because you just took it'cause of the promotion. He said, if you don't own your career and you let your boss own your career, he's doing on his interests, on his terms, they may not be your terms. You've got yourself promoted and you deserve the promotion. But you've got yourself providing a job that is never going to give you joy.

James:

Yeah. So, and I think there's a very interesting point which all of this, which is about priorities.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

important to you.

Speaker:

Our podcast is all about helping people, teams, and organizations perform better and enjoy work more.

Speaker 2:

I get as far as to say that we believe that everyone and every team has the potential to transform their performance by optimizing what they currently do.

Speaker:

So if you'd like to discuss how we can help you transform your performance, then get in touch or maybe check out our website. We also do speaking events, mentoring advice, work as well.

Jimmy:

So let's go into some myths about saying though, the key thing is a lot of the time, we think it's gonna be awkward. You imagine that, if you say no to something, it creates tension. People can be judgmental of you, and it damages your relationship. And actually, I guess what I found is what happens is. It brings a sense of relief to you because you knew you should say no and you would get yourself wound up. Are you gonna, can you say no? Can you say it? And the world does not end and you get that sense of relief. I thought it was, the reaction was gonna be much worse. And people respect you more. But even back to your example about the person who was bullying you. When you said no to'em, they never troubled you again, did they?

James:

they didn't.

Jimmy:

And that's what it is. It changes that person had more respect for you and respect for your boundaries. And, and to be honest, one of the things that, that impacts relationships a lot more is people say yes to something and then they faff around with it, and then they don't deliver it on time and they don't deliver it on good quality. Actually that causes bigger issues than just a straight no at the start, and so sometimes it's false economy to, if you say yes, and then you build it on, you get overwhelmed, you don't deliver. I'd rather you tell me no in the first place. Reliability beats availability. You can say yes all the time. Don't even remember when we were working in doing some outsourcing with our colleagues in in India. And they would always say yes to everything. They were ever so, agreeable whether they could do it or not. They would always say yes, and actually,

James:

that's

Jimmy:

yeah.

James:

right? Because now you mentioned that has happened for me, two organizations, and I think that is a I think it's probably a cultural thing particularly

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

with in subcontinent. I was running an outsource operation for a while and they said yes, we can do this. Yes we can do this. Yes we can do this. And, It was the biggest cluster hook I've ever had to manage in my entire life. It was a bit like the moment when, a Kentucky Fried chicken ran outta chicken. It was up

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

level. Yeah, but it was all because they said yes,

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

the answer should have been no.

Jimmy:

Yeah, and that's the thing is people trust colleagues who deliver really well on smaller number of things than people who take on lots of things and do them all badly. If you remember the team, what we worked together on, once we built a really good reputation by just delivering what we said we were gonna deliver, you think it was some earth shattering service we were offering? No, we just did what we said we were gonna do. It's quite simple really, isn't it?

James:

Yeah, and it I'll play that out at a much lower level. I, at the moment I'm considered buying an electric car, and so I'm having an electric point installed at my house

Jimmy:

Yep.

James:

and I got three electricians coming to quote to do it, and two of them haven't turned up. And then one of them said, oh, I'm terribly sorry I couldn't turn up. I'll come next week. And he still hasn't turned up. I, which you know you're not gonna get the work. Hey, it's just better Say, I'm terribly sorry I can't do it Another point that's just really worth making is we joke about it, but people do get a reputation of being yes man, and nobody likes a yes

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

We've all seen it, we've all worked with them. You don't want to be that person. So yeah it really can have a negative effect on relationships.

Jimmy:

No, absolutely, and I think a lot of the thread that goes through these points as to why people are reluctant to say no is it's in people's heads. So one of the key things to saying no is about how you think differently about saying no. If you think about it, somebody asks you to do something. You're not saying to them, I don't care about you. I don't care about what you're asking me to do. What you're actually saying is, I care about what I've already committed to doing and I'm committed to doing something really well. And it's just a different way of of a way of thinking about it.

James:

So another point, which I think is really worth making, is if you say yes to something.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

you're actually doing is you're saying no to something else. So let me give you a very simple example. I had a boss for a while and he used it every Monday afternoon, five o'clock. He used to have a ops meeting and he wanted all his team there. And my daughter, who was about one to now four at the time, I needed to pick her up from nursery at quarter to six, and for me to get to nursery at quarter to six, I had to leave work at quarter past five.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

have his team meeting five o'clock every Monday and quarter of an hour into it. I got out and walked out. I was terribly sorry, I've gotta pick up my daughter. And after a while he said to me, your problem, James, is you're not taking this seriously. Well, do you know I am taking it seriously, but it's just rather more serious that don't leave me daughter out on the flipping street. Age of four years old than being in your meeting. So it really is a question, what is your priority and being comfortable with that

Jimmy:

Yeah. Couple other things is thinking about focus. Focus isn't about doing everything well because that's not possible. It's about protecting the things that really matter to you. And in that example is great one. James, what matter to you was your daughter rather than a five o'clock Monday meeting? What kind of ask? Puts a meeting on a every five.

James:

I have worked for some bloke who had an eight 30 meeting every Wednesday. He was a bigger cock..

Jimmy:

I think also back to my point about as my confidence and experience grew and I became a bit more mature, saying no is actually a sign of confidence and judgment and maturity. It is not just about being selfish.

James:

Right. So this is all very well, right?

Jimmy:

Yep.

James:

in the nicest possible way, we're both sitting here We're not building a career. It's easy for us to say, oh, you just say no. But

Jimmy:

Do you know that was,

James:

act?

Jimmy:

do you remember? Do you remember that as a song? Jam?

James:

Whammo. We had

Jimmy:

Ramo? Zamo.

James:

Oh,

Jimmy:

Zamo with a Z? Do you know Zamo with Z? Came to my 11th birthday party.

James:

Did he really?

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

That's fame. How old was he at the time?

Jimmy:

I think he was 11 as well. He was about the same age.

James:

You could have been in Grange Hill, mate. Are you sure you didn't have a bit part?

Jimmy:

I would've loved to be in, in Grange Hill, trust me. Oh,

James:

So other than Zamo coming to your 11th birthday party Yeah. How would you recommend that we go about saying there, what are some sensible tactics or

Jimmy:

Well,

James:

it?

Jimmy:

I think you're right, James. It is very easy for us to preach about saying no, but some actual practical things. I think there's the couple of things to think about. One is, you can say, look, I can do X, but it means y we'll suffer. Help. You're not saying no outright, you're just saying these are the consequences and talk to'em about that prioritization. Involve them in the prioritization and come to some sort of agreement with them. So that's not,

James:

That's negotiation, isn't it? It's about being. Clear what the options are and putting things on the table,

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

a very strong way of dealing with it.

Jimmy:

Another good example is not now, so rather than saying No, I'm never gonna do it, it's like back to my example, no, I can't speak to you now, but come back in an hour. No, I can't do this now, but in a couple of weeks I will have some capacity to do that. So you offering an alternative Which out helps a relationship.

James:

yeah, because it's not flat. No. Yeah. It helps and people see a way through.

Jimmy:

Yeah. One of the big things about saying no as well, relates to saying no, is just check that you've understood what it is you're trying to do, which is one of your favorite ones. James,

James:

Yeah. Go on, man. So, yeah.

Jimmy:

what are you going to have on your gravestone?

James:

Yeah. So when somebody asks you to do something and they're not being terribly clear about it, you can always ask, what is the problem we are trying to solve here? Get people to be really clear about what it is they want. Invariably, in my experience, they don't actually know what they

Jimmy:

No.

James:

so that's another way of fleshing it out. But that's really important, I think. Just get really clear on the scope of what it's they

Jimmy:

Yeah. I think that also goes back to when somebody's ambiguous about their request, rather than look foolish and say, I don't really understand what you're asking me to do. People say, yeah, okay. And hope that it comes out in the wash. It doesn't come out in the wash. To your point, being clear about the problem upfront really helps.

James:

And those three things I think are really, that's just about information flow, right? Getting clear on the scope, getting clear on the trade offs, and getting clear on the timing. All give you options to renegotiate, understand what's going on, but you're just putting information to the conversation. So that really helps.

Jimmy:

Yeah another good technique to use is is a redirect. I would have situations where if somebody comes and asks me to do certain things. That I'm not very good at. I will tell them, for example, I'm not the best person to ask to do this. If you want somebody to fix your spreadsheets, talk to James. James is the expert. Don't just sort of fob them off. Explain why. So somebody asked me to do something, I would explain to them that, that's not in my skillset, but actually I know somebody who's really good at that. So you're helpful.

James:

you're being helpful and you're actually giving them a better option.

Jimmy:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

James:

giving them a better option. So I think that's good. And then your final one.

Jimmy:

So I think the final one is just be honest about it. I'd love to do a good job for you, but at the moment I'm fully committed, so I won't be able to do this. So I think being open about it rather than just a, again, a hard note, explain to somebody that you know you're fully committed. And you'd like to help them, but you're not in a position right now to do that. I think it's, it is not confrontational and it is quite hard to argue with.

James:

Very good.

Jimmy:

The other thing, apart from having the right mindset for saying no, practical tools about saying no. There's a few useful questions that actually I think the listeners could reflect on that would really help them in this space. So.

James:

these are questions that they should ask themselves.

Jimmy:

Yeah. Questions they should ask themselves. So the first one I think is, you know what am I currently saying yes to that I really resent, those things that bubble away. And just exploring that and understanding why you said yes to it. That will help you learn for next time. Next time I'm asked to do something with people I don't wanna do in six months time, maybe I'll think on a little bit careful about that. The second one is, who do I need to have a more honest conversation with? So might be somebody you've said yes to, somebody you keep saying no to, and you don't explain it properly. Somebody you say yes to, that you're just always overcommitting and not delivering somebody you always say yes to. Who's ambiguous about their requests and you need to sharpen up, but who's that one person that having a more honest conversation would really help? And the final question I think is if you said no to just one thing this month, what would it be

James:

Oh, more to the point I think. What would you protect?

Jimmy:

exactly?

James:

yeah, the key thing here is, and it's the most important thing

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

I said again, so everybody's hanging on my every word. The most important thing.

Jimmy:

Yeah.

James:

your priority?

Jimmy:

And that's,

James:

thing is what is your most important thing?

Jimmy:

yeah, your genius, James. But it is back to, it is back to your point When you say yes to something. You are actually saying no to something else. So are you protecting your priorities? So those are three questions I think are helpful for the audience to reflect on. So in summary, First we talked about why it's difficult to say no, and we all have different perspectives on that. We find different things awkward.

James:

Yeah.

Jimmy:

Then we talked about the benefits of saying no. And some of the ways of saying though both in terms of how you think about it and practically how you do it.

James:

Yeah, I think it's just worth reiterating those ways to say no. So to be clear about the trade offs, the timing, the scope, you redirect it or is it just an absolute honest boundary?

Jimmy:

Yes. Then there's some questions that we shared that are worth reflecting on, that will help you learn about your behaviors and how you could be behave differently in the future.

James:

And then the final thing was my sage words of wisdom. The most important thing is knowing what is the most important thing on that note, I think we'll stop.

Jimmy:

All right.

James:

to you as always.

Jimmy:

Thanks James. Thanks everyone for listening.

James:

I'll

Jimmy:

See you next week.

Speaker 3:

We cover a whole host of topics on this podcast

Speaker 4:

from purpose to corporate jargon,

Speaker 3:

but always focused on one thing, getting the job done well,

Speaker 4:

easier said than done. So if you've got. Unhappy customers or employees, bosses or regulators breathing down your neck.

Speaker 3:

If your backlogs are outta control and your costs are spiraling and that big IT transformation project that you've been promised, just keeps failing to deliver,

Speaker 4:

we can help. If you need to improve your performance, your team's performance, or your organizations, get in touch at Jimmy at@jobdonewell.com orJames@jobdonewell.com.

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James Lawther

Co-host
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Jimmy Barber

Co-host