1. Rising from the Ashes: A Journey Towards Authenticity and Self-Worth

Pilot Episode. Have you ever felt the crushing weight of perfectionism, imposter syndrome, or depression? Join me as I peel back the layers of my personal journey from surviving a traumatic car wreck to finding authenticity in my new normal. Listen as I throw open the curtains on my life, sharing how mindfulness and self-compassion became my beacon in the darkest of times. Through my struggles, I've learned to construct a life of self-worth and happiness, insights I'm eager to share with you.

Are you ready to become unstoppable? Let's talk about the four keys that have transformed my life: asking for help, embracing imperfections, living for myself, and taking action. I'll also delve into setting value-based goals, cultivating a community of support, and the imperative of mental health self-care. We're in this together, and with a little trust in the universe, and ourselves, we can achieve our dreams. Let's embark on this journey together, towards a life you've always wanted.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Becoming Unstoppable with Cole Evans. I've struggled with low self-worth, depression, anxiety and shame for most of my life. The more I've talked openly about this, the more I've found how common these struggles are for gay men. It's taken so much hard work to overcome these inner battles and I want to share with you how you can win the battles, too, so you can enjoy your fucking life like the happy and fabulous dude you are. Through self-compassion, you can heal from pain and trauma, find love and acceptance for yourself, live authentically and, most importantly, become unstoppable. Hello everyone, and welcome to Becoming Unstoppable. This podcast is something that I have been dreaming of doing for years and I'm so happy and proud to be launching it today. So thank you so much for listening to our very first episode, and if you enjoy what you hear today, please share it with a friend and click follow so that you're alerted of each new episode, as it's posted to our podcast weekly. Let's get started.

Speaker 1: 1:18

Are you a perfectionist? I have been a lifelong perfectionist. It's a symptom of imposter syndrome, and when I say I've been a lifelong perfectionist, I mean like lifelong. I've always been an overachiever. I was that kid who always got straight A's. Everything always came easy to me. If my mom was here right now, she would be telling you the story of when I was in fifth grade for this independent study project I did a Titanic model. My project was on the Titanic and I wanted to build this giant model of the ship. So my mom helped me. We got this big ass refrigerator box and we shaped it into the ship and we painted it. We got these big like Quaker Oats, you know those cylinders, the really tall ones. We painted them gold, four of them for the smoke stacks. This thing was massive, like we had to get a truck to move it to the school. It was amazing. I have always been an overachiever. I don't half-ass anything. I've always been a go big or go home person All symptoms of perfectionism. And in my career as a sales professional for the last 15 years I've consistently been one of the top closers and highest income earners with each of the companies that I've worked with. I've also always been someone who learns the hard way. Failure way to success has been the MO for much of my life.

Speaker 1: 2:57

Unstoppable has become the idiosyncratic theme for my life for many years now. I even have it tattooed on my chest. Unstoppable, it means impossible to prevent or stop, and for a long time this motivated me knowing that, no matter what, no matter how many times I tripped and fell, I'd get up dust the dirt off, learn from my mistakes and move on. But add in some age, a lot of kicks to the groin, an abusive marriage and divorce, a few cross-country moves, financial struggles, as well as a lifelong struggle with major depression and debilitating anxiety. Eventually, imposter syndrome hijacked being unstoppable.

Speaker 1: 3:56

Last year I fell into a major depression. Everything overwhelmed me and being unstoppable seemed like a total joke. At this point I felt completely paralyzed and hopeless. Can you relate to that? I decided that I had to do something that I'd never done before in order to overcome these obstacles and learn how to move on and live a better life.

Speaker 1: 4:28

I remember I'd had friends who had gone through treatment for drugs and alcohol rehab programs and I remember thinking at one point I wonder if they have rehab for depressed people. And it turns out, after a quick Google search, there's dozens of programs all over the country that are mental health, primary for depression and anxiety. So 11 months ago I checked into this mental health treatment program where I spent 11 weeks learning how to be mindful, learning how to regulate my emotions and tolerate distress and work with others on a much better skill level. Going through this program was life changing for me. Like I said, in my sales career I've always been a top performer, and that's because everything we do as sales professionals is completely scripted. I know these processes backwards, forwards, upside down. I could do them in my sleep and I wanted to learn how to do that same thing in my personal life. I wanted the scripts and the skill sets, the different processes, to learn how to crush my personal life in the same way that my sales training had helped me in my professional life. There are so many skills that I learned going through this treatment program.

Speaker 1: 6:05

Two of the staples of my recovery have been self-compassion and mindfulness, and these learned skill sets have allowed me to become the most authentic version of myself, to build self-worth, self-esteem and confidence like I've never had before and find happiness in my life that I've always wanted but I could never seem to find or maintain, and it's one of the reasons why I'm so excited about finally having this podcast, because I want to share with you the solutions that I've found that have helped me, hopefully to help you also build the life you've always wanted and deserve. And trust me, if I can dig myself out of the deepest, darkest depression I've ever been in, if I can turn my life around and find happiness and stability, so can you, and that's the goal of my podcast. I want to share a story with you.

Speaker 1: 7:12

The day before Christmas Eve, 2012, I was driving on I-35 in downtown Kansas City when an 81-year-old woman got on the interstate, driving the wrong way, and she hit me head-on. It caused a four-car wreck and she was killed in the collision. This was extremely traumatic, and that next year, 2013, the year that I went through my recovery from the car wreck was one of the toughest of my life. I couldn't work, so I had no money. I was deeply depressed. I had to walk with a cane, I struggled to pee right, I had to have back surgery Things that a typical 23-year-old doesn't deal with.

Speaker 1: 8:04

Now, I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I can always find a silver lining in pretty much any situation. So I became convinced that the reason for this car wreck that I went through was to make me aware of how much talent and potential that I had To realize I was capable of such great things. But I wasn't even scratching the surface of my potential no-transcript and although it was several years before I began referring to this as unstoppable, I think this is where that concept was probably originally born. After almost 10 years of having this mentality, imposter Syndrome had hijacked and bastardized, being unstoppable over the years and turned it into perfectionism. You see, if I completed a task and it was only 99% perfect, well that was a failure in my mind and I was trash. Dichotomous thinking had completely overtaken my life. How could I be unstoppable when 99% of everything I do I fail at? I felt like a loser. I felt hopeless and happiness was the furthest thing from my life.

Speaker 1: 9:47

I remember last December I had been in my treatment program for probably about three weeks or so and this is when I had kind of my breakthrough moment. I remember I had just this anxiety attack one morning and I broke down crying and just I mean all out blubbering, sobbing, which was really healthy and really helped me. But I'm not one who normally cries, so this was different for me. But I remember in that moment I came to the realization that for so many years probably 10 years since my car wreck I had expected perfection from myself and I finally realized that I don't have to be perfect. This was a moment when I really redefined the concept of being unstoppable and when I realized it's totally fine to be just okay at something. This insurmountable, crushing weight was lifted from my chest.

Speaker 1: 11:17

In addition to learning to give myself grace, another lesson that I figured out was, in order to be unstoppable, you have to actually make a daily effort and put in the work to build the life you've always wanted. Go figure, the life you've always wanted isn't just going to appear out of thin air, despite the instant gratification culture that we live in. Did you know, one of the most common deathbed regrets that people have is I wish I'd had the courage to live for myself and not what others expected of me, or I wish I'd allowed myself to be happier. So at the beginning of this year, I relocated to Austin, texas, to have a fresh start on my life, and I've been making efforts every week to create the life I've always wanted and deserve. So I did a number of things. I joined the Austin Gaymans Chorus, where I've made amazing friends, and I'm now a board member and serve as the chairman of their social events committee. I joined Austin Toastmasters and got super involved in giving speeches and their leadership program, which has really helped me to work towards achieving a lot of the goals that I've set for myself. It's one of the reasons why I have this podcast now, and don't be surprised if I also end up posting live recordings from some of my Toastmasters speeches.

Speaker 1: 13:07

And as I have gone through all of these, these changes, the making the effort to build the life that I've always wanted one of the other huge efforts that I've been working on was to build friendships. That I've always wanted but I've never had before. I always thought making friends as an adult was hard to do. It turns out it's really not. I thought I was socially awkward, but all you have to do is just get where you have common interests with people and then it's really easy to connect again, and I'm sure later on down the road I'll probably do an episode on making friends as an adult.

Speaker 1: 13:59

Becoming unstoppable isn't just this cute little mantra for my life, it's something I live every day and for the first time I'm actually putting in the work to make it a reality. It's not to say it's easy. This takes a lot of work. I still have days where I feel overwhelmed, or I still have days when the anxiety creeps in. But even with all of the extra work that I'm putting in, I feel so much joy and I feel more fulfilled than I've ever been. So here are four keys to becoming unstoppable.

Speaker 1: 14:51

Number one ask for help. You've got to build a community. You cannot do this by yourself. Trust me, I've tried. There have been points in my life where I thought, fuck it, I'm going to do this all on my own. I can't trust anyone. It's me. I'm going to go out there and do it Like all of this rides on me. I'm an independent woman. I don't need no man. But humans are social creatures and it's built into our DNA to connect with others. So it's so important to have a social life and to build friendships. Specifically, you want to build close friendships with people that you can be mutually there for each other, that you can be vulnerable with, to vent to on the tough days and to celebrate together on the great days.

Speaker 1: 15:55

You have to prioritize your mental health. I'm a firm believer. Everyone needs a therapist. Whether you see him twice a year or twice a week, whatever it may be, everyone needs a therapist and you need to learn effective coping skills. I highly recommend dialectal behavior therapy or DBT. And don't forget to meditate and practice self care on a regular basis.

Speaker 1: 16:29

Number two stop trying to be perfect. Imposter syndrome is a bitch and perfectionism is impossible. You've got to eliminate dichotomous thinking from your mind, because life is not black or white. You've got to live in the gray area and embrace the roller coaster. Remember to pace yourself. Your life isn't going to all come into place and be well. It's never going to be perfect, but it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to take time and you've got to be flexible, give up control and learn to adapt in the moment.

Speaker 1: 17:24

Number three live for yourself. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness, so you need to set some boundaries. Work-life balance is essential. It has been such a huge factor in me finding happiness with setting boundaries with work and saying, hey, I gotta have a personal life outside of here. Stop worrying about what other people think. Quit being a people pleaser. You've got to learn how to advocate for yourself and believe in yourself. You can do the big hard things.

Speaker 1: 18:11

Number four keys to becoming unstoppable. Nike said it, shia LaBeouf reminded us. Just do it. You've got to determine the core values you have for your life and then set value-based goals to achieve true happiness. Not milestone goals, not achievement, not possession-based goals. Value-based goals are what will help you achieve true happiness. Pay attention to the signs of the universe. If it's easy and effortless and it's moving you towards your goals, it's probably something you should look into. If you're getting nothing but red flags and it's just constant struggle and strife, eh, may wanna think twice about that one and jump on opportunities that present themselves to you to grow. In his book, the Velvet Rage by Dr Alan Downs, he says the secret to life isn't an idea, it's a behavior. You must do not just think about what is likely to bring you joy and peace.

Speaker 1: 19:33

Do you know how long Start-A-Podcast has been on my vision board? Each year, just do it. That's why this podcast is finally happening. This has been such a long time coming and, while it certainly isn't going to be perfect now or ever, this is me putting in the work to make my dreams a reality and achieve the goals that I've set out to do. For too long I let perfectionism stand in my way of launching this podcast. I thought it had to be perfect. I thought I needed the perfect mic setup. I thought I needed the perfect cover art. Everything had to be perfect, but I finally decided I've gotta at least get started somewhere.

Speaker 1: 20:29

Aristotle, and later Mary Poppins, said well begun is half done. Where are you currently allowing perfectionism to keep you stuck and paralyzed from moving forward in your life? What goals have you procrastinated achieving because of imposter syndrome? Maybe it's time to reassess? Well begun is half done? Let's recap the four keys to becoming unstoppable. Number one ask for help. Number two stop trying to be perfect. Three live for yourself. And number four just do it. You must do not just think about what is likely to bring you joy and peace. Thank you, guys, so much for joining us for our first episode of Becoming Unstoppable. And stick around. It's only gonna get better from here. If this has made an impact with you, I'd love it if you would share it with friends, post on social media and follow the podcast. Until next time, let's go out there and be unstoppable. This is Cole Evans signing off.