3. Building Confidence and Happiness with Nikki Pepper

Have you ever felt like you were navigating through a storm of emotions, unsure of how to find your way back to joy? Nikki Pepper, host of the L.Y.F.E.style Optimized PepTalks Podcast, invites Cole to chart a course through his own battles with depression and anxiety and into happiness and confidence. With candid openness, he shares his voyage of discovery where self-compassion and mindfulness weren't just lifelines but the very sails that propelled him forward. Through this intimate conversation, Cole imparts actionable strategies like deep breathing and journaling to not just cope but thrive, and he reminds us that the most turbulent waters can lead to the calmest harbors of self-assurance and happiness.

The journey doesn't end at finding peace within ourselves; it's also about sowing seeds of joy in the world around us. Drawing from life's inevitable ups and downs, including my own grappling with loss and frustration, we explore how embracing our core values can steer us towards genuine contentment. Whether it's cultivating lasting relationships, rekindling old passions, or even the simple joy of being the best dog dad, this episode is an ode to the pursuit of an unstoppable life. We pull back the curtain on the transformative power of building confidence, fostering deep connections, and why making friends as an adult is more an adventure than a challenge. Join us on this expedition as we navigate the ocean of life with purpose, passion, and a little help from our friends.

Enjoy the episode? Post about it and share with your friends! You can tag the show on Instagram @Unstoppable.Podcast or tag me @ColeEvans. Have an idea for a topic you want me to cover? Send me a DM!

Please rate and review the show on whatever app you use to listen, it helps the show grow to new listeners just like you!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Becoming Unstoppable with Cole Evans. I've struggled with low self-worth, depression, anxiety and shame for most of my life. The more I've talked openly about this, the more I've found how common these struggles are for gay men. It's taken so much hard work to overcome these inner battles and I want to share with you how you can win the battles too, so you can enjoy your fucking life like the happy and fabulous dude you are. Through self-compassion, you can heal from pain and trauma, find love and acceptance for yourself, live authentically and, most importantly, become unstoppable.

Speaker 2: 0:45

So everybody, welcome to Lifestyle Optivized PEP Talks Podcast, where I interview industry experts to give you the latest and greatest tips in health, wellness and lifestyle. And on today's episode we have Cole Evans here, so excited. He is a happiness and confidence coach and I don't know who couldn't need more happiness and confidence, so I'm super excited to dive into our conversation. So first, maybe, just tell us a little bit about yourself, how you got started in becoming a coach and just a little bit about you.

Speaker 1: 1:18

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. So I got started into being a happiness and confidence coach because about a year ago I was at my absolute rock bottom. I was at in a very, very deep, dark depression. Anxiety completely overwhelmed me, to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed and function most days, and so I knew I had to make a change. I ended up going through a mental health treatment program for depression and anxiety that taught me skill sets to help manage that and really overcome it in many ways, and so at the very beginning of this year I moved to Austin, texas, permanently, and when I moved to Austin I decided I was going to build the life that I'd always wanted and deserved, and that really required a lot of work, a lot of effort, and I went after the things that I'd always wanted to do.

Speaker 1: 2:17

I joined the Austin Gaymans course, I joined Austin Toastmasters, I really upped my activity in social life with friends, and I can say now, here am I, a year later and I'm the happiest that I've ever been. I'm the most confident that I've ever been or, excuse me, the most confident I've ever been, and I figure, if I can do that, anyone can and I want to share that. I feel like I found my purpose and I want to share that with people.

Speaker 2: 2:45

I love that so much and really, what I'd like to acknowledge you for is just being in probably a very dark place, dealing with depression, dealing with anxiety, choosing I'm going to commit to the tools, the resources, the program to get me through this. And now, here you are, on the other side, living your happiest life, feeling confident and wanting to pass it along to others. So I think that's the most beautiful gift that you could share. And I would say the first question that's coming through is, you know, speaking to someone who is in that, you know, kind of that low place, what would, what were kind of the first things that you did to to help yourself, whether it was in the program or elsewhere, to take that first step if you're, you know, feeling really low in life?

Speaker 1: 3:34

Yeah, something that has been huge for me has been mindfulness and self compassion. Those are two kind of in the two staples of my recovery, and the funny thing is is being in the position that I'm in now my mom is dealing with a lot of depression right now and I've been able to be like OK, you know, I know exactly how you feel. Here's what we're going to do, and one of the very first things that really just helps to change that emotional state is I'm always like all right, just, and I even practice it myself. Still, I'm like OK, we just need to like take a big deep breath, take a moment for myself, breathe in all the way. And I've reached the point now where I'm like I don't care if I'm going to be late to something. If I need that for me, I'm doing it because I arrive in such a better condition and I never used to do that.

Speaker 1: 4:30

Self care has become a huge part. I used to always be like very codependent, very I'm going to give everything of myself and then later on, the victim. So, yeah, I mean that's a huge one. Right there is if you feel any type of anxiety, overwhelm, unhappiness, like, take some deep breaths for yourself, prioritize yourself.

Speaker 2: 4:50

Yeah, I love that tip and I like that it gets to be pretty simple and something that you can do on the spot in the moment. And I also really like what you shared about you know, when you take care of yourself first, you're actually able to show up as your best self, and knowing that self care is actually the least selfish thing that you can do in showing up and being that best version of yourself, yeah, and my next question is what really struck me is that self compassion. I think that can relate with a lot of people, whether it's, you know, being hard on yourself or judging yourself. What are some of the ways that you've been able to practice some more self compassion in your life?

Speaker 1: 5:31

Yeah, one of the first things that was like a breakthrough moment for me. I remember it was just over a year ago, like a year and a week I was going through my little mental treatment program still, and I had this huge panic attack one morning and I just broke down crying and I'm not a big crier, so this was like an emotional breakthrough and I recognized for the first time I had been demanding perfection of myself for years and if I did something 99% correct, that was trash, it was a failure, it wasn't good enough. And so I constantly was berating myself. And I remember at the time my therapist had suggested doing a journaling exercise and it was really powerful. It was actually designed by, I believe, Dr Kristen Neff at UT Austin and it is writing about if a friend was going through a really hard time they're on their worst day, You're on your best day how would you help them?

Speaker 1: 6:45

What would you say? Note specifically the tone of voice. And then the next exercise was you're going through a really hard day. How would you speak to yourself? What would you say? Again, note the tone of voice. And the difference was night and day. I mean the friend I was like oh you know I'm here for you and how can I help you, and you know like we're going to get through this and you know just very compassionate and caring. And then when I had a worst day, it was like you fucking idiot, you piece of trash, how could you screw something like this up? Like you were just a complete failure. And then the third exercise was did you notice a difference?

Speaker 2: 7:25

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:27

And that has been something that just I mean it's stuck with me ever since, and so now I catch myself self compassion. So I, you know, if I make a stupid mistake that any human being on earth could make, you know, I mean, the other day I knocked over a soda, can spill all over my nightstand and I go, oh you dumbass. And then I'm like, whoa, you are not a dumbass. Yeah, it is okay. Like it is a simple, it is a spilled drink. Like not a dumbass, you are totally okay. Like it's kind of funny, it's not you know that big of a deal. Like I just I recognize my humanity more now than ever before.

Speaker 2: 8:07

Yeah, I love that and I think I really love that exercise of you know writing the letter to a friend and then writing the letter to yourself and what comes to mind as well is the things that you know. Sometimes we can speak in our head but I would never say allowed to another person and if that's the case, that's when that can be kind of your filter to kind of look through and I would say you know my. My next question you gave, you know, a light mind, a lighthearted example of like spilling a soda. Are there any instances you know bigger picture or like bigger things at stake, whether it's like a job or relationship, something that you know? Maybe you felt like you stumbled. What are some you know bigger at stake, things that you've been able to work through in terms of that happiness and self compassion?

Speaker 1: 8:57

Yeah, oh, you know, it's hard to have one come to mind right now, because I have such a different mindset now than I used to. I really have it practiced on a regular basis radical acceptance. And so it's like when something doesn't go my way and it's completely out of control, and it's like, all right, well, there's nothing that I can do. Going Karen on these people is not going to fix anything and I, you know, because of that I live such a more peaceful life now. You know, I can think of I mean, it's just another funny example, you know, and it's not even a big deal. You'd ask, like are there any big deals? And it's really hard for me to think of that Cause, like I said, I just it's water off a death's back these days.

Speaker 1: 9:46

But a couple of weeks ago I was having just a very high stress weekend and I couldn't find a black belt. I have two belts I have a brown belt and a black belt and of course you've got to match your belt and your shoes, you know. And like I'm a gay man, so I have to like make sure I'm on point. And I could not find this belt and I was like livid. I was like storming around my house where the F is this belt? This is ridiculous. And I had, like I looked under all of these pales of clothes. I couldn't find it anywhere. I let that little voice inside of my head take control again and so for about maybe two to five minutes I was just like frantically, like rushing around my house, like cussing about this belt, and I'm just like what the F? Like oh, and I finally was like whoa, whoa, why am I freaking out? So it is a belt, we will change clothes, it is not a big deal. Like I am getting into such a crazy frustrated state. I am making this so much worse for myself than it needs to be.

Speaker 1: 10:53

And I had that moment of clarity and then from there on, it was easy. But I mean, that was over. Something little, you can imagine something big. I still feel the same way. Of course we all do. We all have those moments of freaking out where it's like, holy shit, what am I gonna do? But it always comes around to all right, I can't control this, so I'm just gonna accept it as is. And what can I do to make this better, even on the big things?

Speaker 2: 11:24

I love that and that was really. I think the thing that stood out to me was that radical acceptance, and I like that you use the word radical, because that implies like it is so accepting and not like kind of accepting it Cause to be halfway, it's like you're still kind of fighting it. So I love the radical acceptance as well as well. What can I do to make the situation better? Control the controllables, which is truly all we can do.

Speaker 1: 11:51

Yeah, it doesn't mean you agree with it. It doesn't mean you like it, it just means okay, I'm accepting that I can't change the outcome, so I'm gonna do the best with it that I can and move on.

Speaker 2: 12:05

Exactly, and, I would say, with that kind of transitioning towards creating happiness. I think that's a big topic that I'd love to dive into with you, cause I feel like I've seen from the outside people who can seem to have it all, but then they're so miserable, and then the person who seems to have nothing can be so happy, so, generated from this internal state, what are some ways that you have created or manufactured happiness in your own life? Because it truly does come from within, and so I'd love to hear your top tips on that.

Speaker 1: 12:40

Yeah. So one of the very first things that I think is imperative if you're going to create happiness for yourself is you have to determine core values for yourself. So what are the things that matter most to you? And then, from there, you build value-based goals, because milestone goals, achievement-based goals, materialistic goals, do nothing for you. They're, you know, smoke through a keyhole. You get that really great sense of accomplishment, but then you're like okay, onto the next thing, like that was fine, it was, it wasn't good enough, I could do better. What can I do next? And it's just, it's very quick. Value-based goals, however, create everlasting joy Because they're about the things that matter most to you, and so, for me, some of the value-based goals that I created was, you know, I have two dogs, and so I decided, all right, I'm going to be the best dog dad ever to them, because they love me so much. I love them so much. And so part of that was I'm going to make sure that I spend more time with them. It's not just going to be like, oh, dad came home and they're happy and I feed them, and it's like, all right, go play. And so we spend time together. You know whether it's just cuddling or whether it's a take-em-for-a-walk or, but I give them so much more attention now than I've ever given them before.

Speaker 1: 14:10

I pursued passions of mine that I hadn't touched in years. When I said I joined the game-ins course, I sang all growing up. I mean all through school. I was in the top choirs. I had so many different solos. I was on the worship team at church and you know one of the lead worship singers, and I got out of that at about 18 and I didn't sing for 15 years and so I got back into singing because I knew it was a passion of mine, I knew I enjoyed it. It had been a while, so I used to always sing tenor and now I'm singing bass, but I love it, you know, and singing is therapeutic. It simulates the vagus nerve, which helps with anxiety, not to mention it's just, it's fun and it's a commonality that brings people together. With that, it has completely enriched my social life. That's another thing that I made a huge change on to create happiness.

Speaker 1: 15:05

I remember I used to sit at home and my whole thing. I've determined because I've come full circle. I've had full spectrum to see like. I've had the peak, I've had the valley my two most common coping skills, like unhealthy coping skills, isolate and freeze. So what I used to do all the time was I would just sit at home and I just watch TV and that's it, and I would, you know, be scrolling on my phone I'm simultaneously, because of course, that's what we do as Americans and I would see that people were out having a great time and it'd be like, man, that looks like a lot of fun. You know, I wish I could do that. It'd be great if I had, you know, some friends that would invite me. Why would they? I wasn't making any type of an effort.

Speaker 2: 15:53

It.

Speaker 1: 15:54

I had to make an effort to go out and have fun, and so with that, I have invited friends to go out and do things. Be it, hey, let's just go to dinner, or hey, come over for a game night, you know. And in turn they've reciprocated. It's not just like my close group friends, it's also people that are in my social circle that I don't typically hang out with, but we're friends and they're like, hey, I'm gonna have this party. Or like this summer it was hey, come river tubing. Or hey, come to this, you know Cookout that we're having, and so that has just given me so much joy in my life. I've also, from joining Austin toast masters, that's allowed me to pursue, you know, professional goals of speaking and launching a podcast, and I mean that's how you part of how you and I met, you know. And so I, just in every aspect of my life, I'm like what can I do to create a little bit more happiness than what I've been having? And it requires making effort.

Speaker 2: 16:53

Yes, so so good. I'm gonna reflect back a couple key takeaways I'm like I'm gonna be taking notes after this so my a couple of my favorite ones that you said. It was definitely the Value-based goals, and that is something I'm a huge advocate of of once you hit a milestone, it's great for like three days and then you're right back on to like, oh, that's the next goal, the next goal, and I think you know, really being in a line with your values, that's going to be something that really fulfills you. And the second favorite thing that I love that you said was you know you have to put the effort in, and the phrase that comes to mind is Give what you want to receive. So, like, if you want to receive love, give what love. If you want to receive joy, be joyous and it'll be reflected back. So I think it goes to show that whatever you put in is what you're going to get out and I.

Speaker 2: 17:47

Have two. One more question around value-based goals, and then I want to shift into a little bit around confidence, but with the value-based goals. Since you are a coach, I would love to hear your you know tips for someone to start to identify those values that they can start to, you know, make those goals around. So what's maybe like a values, core values exercise that someone could, you know, try After this live.

Speaker 1: 18:15

Yeah. So I thought a lot about this and I Came to my core values, like the ones that are so meaningful and just like deeply rooted within who I am. After I fixed the self-compassion piece and after I kind of had that light bulb moment, I Think that I don't think I know that if I had created Core values before I figured out I don't have to be a perfectionist before I figured out it's okay to give myself grace and love myself, my core values would have been totally different. They probably would have been very achievement materialistic based. Some of them would have been probably the same, you know. I mean love and gratitude would have been the same, I'm sure, but I would have probably had a lot of the other ones shifted. Like you know, achievement would have been more around the I'm gonna do xyz rather than achievement is a Perpetual sense of growing towards what I want.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Yes, but one of the best ways if you're wanting to find like core values is, honestly, if you just Google Brene Brown core values, she's got a worksheet where she's like here's like 60 different Values that you know might relate, and what I did was that's actually the sheet that I was given by my therapist when I went through this program and I picked out some that really resonated. It also helped me in brainstorming that I was able to be like I don't really like that one, but you know, that kind of sparked this idea, what about kids or this? And so you know you can't have like a dozen. You could have a dozen core values, but it's better to have, you know, five or six to really focus in on. And so I would go through and I like highlighted okay, I like this one, I like this one. And then I would like eliminate, eliminate, eliminate, eliminate, until I got it back down to like Okay, here's like six really good ones that I really like and really resonate with me.

Speaker 2: 20:20

Hmm, I love that and I think the two takeaways from there would be Number one, that the foundation is compassion.

Speaker 2: 20:28

So we have to, we get to build, you know, on those layers of that healing journey. And the second thing is that less is more so, sticking to those core five, and Me and some girlfriends this weekend we actually had a little like mastermind retreat, just three of us, and the first thing that we did, before any like business life planning for the day, was we identified our five core values for the year. So we kind of you know, some may be the same and we kind of take a look, took a look at 2024, and we're like what are the values that we're going to live by this year before we set any other goals? So I love that as a process and, and speaking of which, ironically one of my values for this year is confidence. So I would love to hear about how you have improved your own confidence or, you know, work through overcoming any self-doubt or any like imposter syndrome. What are some ways that you work on your confidence that someone could maybe take away for improving their own?

Speaker 1: 21:28

Yeah, you know, you know I, one of my mentors, is Rob dial. I'm actually going through his training, certification, as I, you know, have become a coach and something that he says all the time and I'm like man, it just, it just makes sense. It's fuck it up and figure it out. We learn by doing. And so I like, even before Rob was one of my mentors, I had figured out like, okay, the best way for me to just go out and become better is to just do, and the only way to become confident is to do it enough times that you no longer have that fear. And so, whether it is, you know, if it's social anxiety that you're trying to be confident in, it's all right, I'm going to go out with my friends. I'm first, you know, you might have to text your friends and be like, hey, let's go out, you know, but then actually going out and like just spending time out there and making an effort to actually chime into the conversation.

Speaker 1: 22:29

I have dealt with social anxiety. I used to think that I was a very socially awkward person. I'm not. I'm not a socially awkward person, I just wasn't maybe confident in myself because at the time I had love myself. And so, by doing it consistently enough. Now I can go out, and I mean, you know, other things helped with that as well like doing toast masters and getting up in front of people and talking. I'm the social chairman of the Austin Gaymans course now. So like to go from someone who thought that I was a complete introvert and socially awkward to I'm in charge of all of our social events and I get up there and I'm like hey, like, I'm Cruz, director Cole is what we all call me. That's basically what I'm doing. But I learned by doing, you know, and that works in every single aspect of life.

Speaker 1: 23:18

I've worked in sales for 15 years. You know when you first start doing something. Oh, when I first started doing home improvement sales, I was in a home for four, five, six hours and people were like, oh my God, get out of our house. And it's like, well, I'm trying to do what I was taught. And now it's like, you know, if I go into someone's home, I'm in and out in two and a half hours and like, like, that's like sold, not sold, whatever. But I know I did everything that I could. And they're like oh my gosh, you've been here for two and a half hours I had no idea and it's like, yeah, because I made it fun and you had no idea. So if you want to get confident, you just have to do. And it's not going to be great at first but every single time you do it you'll get better and eventually you'll have that unconscious confidence.

Speaker 2: 24:04

Yes, so good. I love that. Taking messy action and like do it and so is. I always like to say you know, doing the action also brings the clarity and that repetition and the more you do it, you're going to get better before you know it. Yeah, amazing. So any last pieces of advice here before we hop off and then I'll let everyone connect with you, but any last shares on creating happiness or around confidence, self compassion, anything to leave our viewers with today.

Speaker 1: 24:37

Yeah, I actually I want to share on something that I like. Literally, it's only been in the last few weeks that I really have maybe figured this out, something that I knew. But it was one of those things that, until you get into like the mud of it, you don't really like see. And so I've talked about how I've built this friend group and I went out and I, you know, I built the life that I always wanted, and a big part of that was building Circle, genuine friends that I truly care about and that truly care about me. That I've really never had before.

Speaker 1: 25:10

I've always been the person that I struggle to ask for help, like I don't need support. I'm very independent, I can do everything all on my own. But in these last few weeks I've just had a few things happen in my life that I'm like hey, I feel like I'm on a little bit of an emotional roller coaster and I like, because these friends know me, they've reached out and they've been like, hey, are you okay, are you feeling alright? You know like, just let us know if you need anything, and that felt really good, because it wasn't natural for me to, you know, go out and be like, hey, here's what I'm going through. I wanted to default to those unhealthy coping skills of isolate and freeze, and so because the day, kind of like, reached out and they were just like, hey, let us know if you need anything, I decided, okay, I'm just gonna tell you. Hey, here's what's happening right now. These are the couple of things that I'm going through. I'm totally fine. This is temporary. I have a plan, but I could really use some extra love and support. I could really use some extra hugs. Like this is just a little bit of a rough patch. I'm really learning a lot, but I need your support, and that was growth on my end to be able to ask for help.

Speaker 1: 26:24

But it also proved to me wow, okay, like going out and building the life that you always wanted and creating this friendship circle that genuinely care about you, like that pays dividends, and so Part of becoming a happy and confident person is you have to have that social circle, you have to build that group of friends, and it's not gonna happen overnight, but if you don't get out there and do it, it's never gonna happen. And the best way to go about it is you don't have to do like I do what I did, where I, you know, is like I'm gonna start a completely fresh life, I'm gonna overhaul everything and join all these different things. Find one thing maybe in twenty four, there's one thing that you're like, man, what is something that I'm passionate about but I really enjoy? I can go and do in a group setting and go do it, because guess what? That's your commonality. That's where you're finding the people.

Speaker 1: 27:22

It is not hard to make friends. Everyone says, man, when you're an adult, it's hard to make friends as an adult. No, it's not. It's because you're not putting in the effort. You just. All you have to do is find the commonality that you're all passionate about and from there everything else is easy.

Speaker 2: 27:37

I love that so much and I think it truly is all about who we surround ourselves with and you become the top five people that you spend time with, and I think all that to say, all it is, is taking one step join one group, go to one community events and if you, if you're out there and you look for it, you will find it. So, speaking of surrounding yourself with amazing people, call, tell us how people can find you, how they can work with you and how they can reach out if they're looking to you. Know, increase their happiness and confidence.

Speaker 1: 28:10

Yeah, you can follow me on instagram. My name it or my handle, is col Evans. It's just my name, all one word. You can follow and listen my to my podcast, which is becoming unstoppable, with col Evans and the instagram handle for that is unstoppable dot podcast. It's on all platforms but apple and spot, if I are the two easiest ones to find them. And as far as if you'd like to work with me or ask any questions or you know, just do a free consultation and a discovery call and see if it's something that would be a fit. Send me a dm on instagram and it will set up a time to talk and we'll do a 45 minute discovery call and see how we can help to build the happiness and the confidence that you want to have the life you've always wanted. Because it can do it, anyone can yes, I love it so much.

Speaker 2: 29:03

Definitely reach out to call. He's amazing. We got to spend a whole weekend together with no phone, so I know he's a great person to spend time and I love hearing it from someone who has been through the process himself, so can definitely take your hand and we do along the way. That'll do it for today's episode of pep talks podcast. Definitely check out calls podcast and we'll see you here next time.

Speaker 1: 29:26

Thanks so much for having me on by.

Speaker 2: 29:28

Thank you for coming.

Speaker 1: 29:30

Thanks for joining the show today on another episode of becoming unstoppable with coal Evans. If you guys enjoyed the show, please share it with the friend or post on social media. Be sure to tag the show on instagram at unstoppable dot podcast or tag me at coal Evans. That's C O L E E V A N S. Please follow and rate the show on whatever platform you use. It helps the algorithms to feature our show to new listeners. Just like you, my goal in hosting this podcast is to make an impact on people's lives and help people to find the peace and happiness through self compassion. Just like I have, of course, become unstoppable. I hope you guys have a great day. I can't wait to hang out with you on our next episode. Until then, this is coal Evans signing off. Stay fabulous, y'all.