The Cringe is Real
Australian pop culture is not safe with Sam Cremean. https://linktr.ee/thecringeisrealpod
The Cringe is Real
The Real Housewives of Sydney - S03E07 (w/ Ruby Teys)
Comedy legend Ruby Teys joins Sam on the couch to talk about these silly women in New Zealand. It’s all Martine this week as our robot girl steals the spotlight once more (proud of you doll) and when she’s not snatching airtime or wasting margaritas she’s getting a new villa with Montano to have a good bitch in. Heaven.
this podcast was produced on the land of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation Welcome to Australia. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. This is kind of tragic. Someone who is such a connoisseur of reality television. The content is hideous. I'm
SPEAKER_02:so sorry about this. Oh my God.
SPEAKER_00:Hello, darling.
SPEAKER_02:Hello, my angel. Oh, it's so good to see you. We're both at our wits end here on a Wednesday suckling on this rosé. Bit of mummy's milk.
SPEAKER_00:Bit of mummy's milk on a Wednesday for you.
SPEAKER_02:On a Wednesday for you. And I tell you what, I feel like I've been put on the spit the last hour and a half, eaten out sideways by our lovely, lovely Thai man called Tony. Kop
SPEAKER_00:Kun Ka.
SPEAKER_02:Kop Kun Amadut. I had a fabulous massage before coming, so now my mouth is quite loose and ready to run.
SPEAKER_00:That's how I like my guests. Loose. Loose. So, Ruby, darling.
SPEAKER_02:Hello,
SPEAKER_00:sweet stuff. The fabulous Ruby Teeth is in Melbourne for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It's that
SPEAKER_02:time of the year again. It came quick. You did. And gosh, I'm here and I'm tearing it a new one.
SPEAKER_00:Fucking rip it open.
SPEAKER_02:Four stars of the age. Wasn't built right anyway. Who do I think I am? Exactly. Exactly. Well done. Tear it down. Start it again. And
SPEAKER_00:how's it all going?
SPEAKER_02:It's going fabulous, actually. I think I've really found the groove, the niche. And that is, no one wants to cry. No one wants a life lesson. In this economy? No, exactly. Fuck off. We just want to have fun. And that's the theme of this year. We're just here to have fun and be silly. And it's working quite well. quite well
SPEAKER_00:thank fuck thank fuck for Cherry Vinyl
SPEAKER_02:Cherry Vinyl she's out
SPEAKER_00:she's back I did get a sneak peek of Cherry Vinyl was that the
SPEAKER_02:Fringe yeah like really really
SPEAKER_00:early when she was in her gestation period and now she's like a small fetus yes now she's a fully formed girl lady girl
SPEAKER_02:now she's a little girl yes it's a great show yeah you'll love it yeah you'll love it it's gone it's gone off the The Richter scale. And you've
SPEAKER_00:got another show as well.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, Alt Girl World is my line-up show. Fun, fun. And I just showcase the craziest girls of the festival. Too raunchy, too cool, too... abstract for the headline spots.
SPEAKER_00:There's some naughty girls out there. Very,
SPEAKER_02:very naughty girls. And I thought this is the best idea for a show. And it pops off every week. It's on Saturdays.
SPEAKER_00:Have you got Chrissy Marsh on the lineup? I think she'd do a great one-woman show.
SPEAKER_02:She's our executive producer, actually.
SPEAKER_00:She's like, more dick jokes, girls.
SPEAKER_02:I love her drill rap. It's called Skinny Bitch. Get me another skinny bitch, please. Get me another skinny bitch, please.
SPEAKER_00:Did you clock in the episode last week when she was like, Bye. when they handed her that margarita and she said with full conviction, oh, this is my first drink of the day. And I was like, Chrissy, we've literally just cut from the scene of you drinking skinny bitches in the hot tub. Oh, no. You dumb bitch.
SPEAKER_02:And then this week, she wouldn't even cheers because she's like, how many times can you bloody cheers in one day? I was like, Chrissy, ain't that the truth?
SPEAKER_00:I want them to bring back Chewbacca as the nickname for Chrissy. She's really glad that it's gone, but I'm not and I want to bring it
SPEAKER_02:back. I reckon, and I think we also need to few more. Jabba the Hutt needs to come out.
SPEAKER_00:Who in the cast would be Jabba the Hutt? Skating on thin ice, aren't we? We might play the fifth on that one. Play the fifth. You decide, listeners.
SPEAKER_02:You know who you are. Comment on the episode.
SPEAKER_00:Leave a comment in the chat. Who is Jabba the Hutt of this cast? Who is R2-D2? I think we know who Megan the robot is.
SPEAKER_02:The killer robot. The killer robot.
SPEAKER_00:She's back. She's causing chaos this week.
SPEAKER_02:And she's really Benjamin Button-ing. Because I tell you what, there is no way in hot hell, and I mean this in the best way possible, Like, I want to be drinking that dragon's blood. I want to be licking the back of that daintry rainforest green tree fog. It's the substance. 42? 42? I said no, darling.
SPEAKER_00:She looks
SPEAKER_02:12. 27.
SPEAKER_00:It's a real Natalia Grace
SPEAKER_02:situation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I want to see the birth certificate in Ukrainian.
SPEAKER_02:Please, please. Or the Bell Gibson. I've actually got two birth certificates. Right
SPEAKER_00:now, Tracy. When is Bell Gibson
SPEAKER_02:going to get on the show?
SPEAKER_00:Bell Gibson? would be a great housewife great well did you see in the in the news in the news this week that that woman that was cast on the show fucking crashed a car like really damn like damaged multiple cars shit-faced after drinking too many skinny bitches jumped into a car and just did a little smashity smash on the streets of double bay doll and then they were like did a donut but i was like why didn't they cast her on the show that would have been excellent how good i
SPEAKER_02:think I think my mum was actually in her hearing. You want to know the excuse? It was vegan wine. I thought it would be fine. Actually. I'm not joking.
SPEAKER_00:I didn't think vegan wine contained alcohol.
SPEAKER_02:I thought it was organic vegan wine. I thought it was.
SPEAKER_00:And I'd only had the six bottles. I'm going,
SPEAKER_02:I'm sorry, but if they're squeezing
SPEAKER_00:it out of grapes. Yeah, it's organic.
SPEAKER_02:I'm thinking, if it's not vegan, what the fuck is it?
SPEAKER_00:No, Belle Gibson would be a great addition. Yeah. Because, yeah, she'd be rivaled in Delusion with this cast.
SPEAKER_02:Totally. Totally. And, you know, she would... really, really get up everyone's goat because she would really, really start it. Like, what did you mean by that? You haven't matured if you haven't had kids. What did you mean?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, she would love that. She would
SPEAKER_02:love that. She would keep beating that dead horse, beating it down, beating it down, flogging it out until there was nothing left but the left side liver.
SPEAKER_00:Does she still think she's 26? Because remember when she was like, at this moment right now, I believe that I'm 26. Does she still? Like, if you were to ask Look at her right now. Oh,
SPEAKER_02:yeah.
SPEAKER_00:How old are you, Belle?
SPEAKER_02:26. That's what my third birth certificate says. Has she converted to Islam? Has she? Or is that Lindsay Lohan?
SPEAKER_00:Look, I can't say. I've got eyes on... I haven't got eyes on Belle.
SPEAKER_02:Neither. How did we get onto this? I
SPEAKER_00:don't know. She's fucking everywhere. Everywhere. She's permeating. See,
SPEAKER_02:I'm working too hard. All I had to do was... Oh, I should stop now.
UNKNOWN:Thank you.
SPEAKER_00:So you're a Housewives girlie, but only the Australian franchises. Yes. I love that. Only the Australian franchises. I love that.
SPEAKER_02:Only the Australian. Oh, Drag Race, I only watch UK. Housewives, I only watch Australia.
SPEAKER_00:What a true patriot.
SPEAKER_02:I am a true patriot. Thank you very much. A dual citizen, if you will. I am a long time watching Housewives fan. And can I say, I knew I was special the day I went into Avalon RSS just after lockdown, and who do I see? But my favourite housewife of all time, Lisa Oldfield, second to Gina Liano, actually. Yeah, yeah, I was going to say. Sorry, Gina, for that. Sorry, Gina, for that. Slap me. Cross-examination, that one. I'll cry.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, she'll stop when they start to
SPEAKER_02:cry. Exactly. In her golf outfit with the sunglasses on at 7pm.
SPEAKER_00:Stop.
SPEAKER_02:Slapping that pokies. Slapping the pokies. And you know what? Me and my friend... I went right down next to her. Did you? Put our sunglasses on, got two skinny bitches and started going too.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my God. Lisa Alford in the flesh. What was she
SPEAKER_02:like? Quiet.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Determined.
SPEAKER_00:Where were the kids? Pissed off. Where were the little dickheads?
SPEAKER_02:Probably with Pauline Hanson's ex.
SPEAKER_00:David?
SPEAKER_02:David.
SPEAKER_00:He was a menace. He
SPEAKER_02:was a menace.
SPEAKER_00:But loved being on telly. He was on like, I'm a celebrity. I think he did Amazing Race. Did he? I think he did all of it. Really? To that, I'm like, sorry?
SPEAKER_02:How do you get from Lisa Oldfield's partner? Oh, that's right, because he was the scandal.
SPEAKER_00:And Australian television loves putting a racist scandal just like on television. Racist infidelity. Yeah, and just put it there and just go, yep, that's what that is. That's what that is. And we're all going to be like,
SPEAKER_02:mm-hmm. Look, he's still an Australian man after all. Yeah. And we're going to still put him on telly. We're going to get him to abseil. Yeah. Down a cliff in Chile. But
SPEAKER_00:how could he be racist when Lisa Oldfield is an 18th Chinese?
SPEAKER_02:Exactly. And she'll tell you. She will. In a ripped jean and a peachy blouse.
SPEAKER_00:And a boat shoe. She walked so that Kathy Hilton could run. But our new girlies, we've got this new cast. How are you feeling about them? Season two was a little bit flop-tana, let's be real. Flop-tana,
SPEAKER_02:and I was very excited about having Terri, because back in the King's Cross days, can I just say, Terri was absolutely the Queen of Sydney. She had the hat shop at the Strand Arcade, and then she was at Hugo's, the club, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, sometimes Thursdays.
SPEAKER_01:The Biv.
SPEAKER_02:Every week. She was the it girl of Sydney. Not joking. If she bagged Anthony Minichiello, she bagged everyone. How
SPEAKER_00:is he not on the show? He was in one episode for like two seconds. And I was like, get him shirtless. Get him on. In the fucking show, please.
SPEAKER_02:I love Terry because Terry is pure Sydney. Like pure, you know, Greek-Italian Sydney. Like the real deal. Nicole thinks she is. but nah. Oh, honey. Sorry, doll. Terry is the real it girl of
SPEAKER_00:Sydney. Nicole is so old world, like old money vibes that it's just kind of boring. Like, we don't want old money on our housewives shows. We want to Lulu loaded, like fucking just,
SPEAKER_02:I want a party girl. Exactly. I want a party girl. And that's why I really like Chrissy and I really like Terry because they have fun. They laugh loud. They're that really fun auntie that we go to her rest restaurant we stay there all night yeah and we laugh really loud like open mouth like to the sky head back come on give me something
SPEAKER_00:oh they're probably telling dick jokes right now yeah and talking about horrible uncouth things
SPEAKER_02:things at a margarita bar imagine them at a party with us for one second oh my god for one second for one second
SPEAKER_00:yeah Chrissy is doing a lot of the heavy lifting she must be fucking tired
SPEAKER_02:and I want to know the net worth Do you remember when she was like, are you a billionaire
SPEAKER_00:now? Shut that down. Shut that down in five seconds. I want the receipts.
SPEAKER_02:Me and my friends were going, okay, Chrissy Marsh net worth. Chrissy Marsh husband net worth. Net worth. Right in. Right in. Let us know, Chrissy. Because
SPEAKER_00:I would like to know. Chrissy's accountant. Just let us know in the DMs.
SPEAKER_02:And then we will happily share a room and a bathroom in Noosa. I'll tell you
SPEAKER_00:that. Oh, my God. I don't want to go in the second house in Noosa. I want to go in the HQ. with fucking Chrissy. I want to share a bed. I
SPEAKER_02:want to share a bed with Chrissy. Because we're going to be up all night going... Big dick, big
SPEAKER_00:dick energy. Exactly, BDE. And what's a T-bomb? It's a fucking tequila shot. Every time it comes up, someone, like I was watching last night's episode with Adam, and he was like, he turned to me, he's like, what's a T-bomb? And I was like, I'm pretty sure it's literally just a tequila shot.
SPEAKER_02:Really? Kind of boring. They're using all these buzzwords like skinny bitch, T-bomb from like 2016. I'm going, scathing, scathing.
SPEAKER_00:It's good branding. Big dick energy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, I've just heard this new term. It's called BDE. Yeah, and everyone's like, oh, my God. My
SPEAKER_02:hairdresser, Joe Bailey, uses it all the
SPEAKER_00:time. Joe fucking Bailey. No, that's Sydney. That is, you know, yeah. You know you're in Sydney when you've been given an evil side-eye glance from Joe Bailey. It's from Joe Bailey,
SPEAKER_02:exactly. And going, hop out of Joe Bailey's way. He's after Napoleon Pettis.
SPEAKER_00:Not Napoleon Pettis. Napoleon, hang on, is Napoleon like Alex Perry style, like where they both maintain their heterosexuality? Mm-hmm. That is?
SPEAKER_02:Line them up in a line. Jay
SPEAKER_00:Bailey. Hugh Jackman.
SPEAKER_02:Alex Perry.
SPEAKER_00:Alex Perry. They're all like, I just love my wife's pussy. Yeah. Yeah. She's fabulous. It's a fabulous little pussy. And eye for
SPEAKER_02:design. And God, she wakes up every morning and plugs her eyebrows in just the perfect way.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, and the eyebrows look great. They look great. Yeah, little bar be dull arrangements aren't they allegedly
SPEAKER_02:alright I'm going to the Coogee Pavilion with my new friend and I'll see you in seven hours
SPEAKER_00:I heard on the grapevine that Hugh Jackman is stooping who's the hot one from Queer Eye that can't cook but is the cook Anthony Anthony yeah that would make sense makes sense that checks out
SPEAKER_02:and you know who's really really really jealous of that Baz Luhrmann defamation Allegedly.
SPEAKER_00:Allegedly. I didn't say anything. Baz Luhrmann is just like in the other room looking through a window, looking through it. And action. A sheer cloth going, oh,
SPEAKER_02:to
SPEAKER_00:be in that room.
SPEAKER_02:Can't move any of his face, just the bottom lip kind of quivers a little bit.
SPEAKER_00:The Sydney Underground Gay Illuminati.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:They're coming for us. They're going to knock us off. They're going to fucking... If we don't come back, like if this is the last episode of this podcast, please know that we were taken out. By Baz. And a tiny gold-plated gun was pointed at us. And we were taken out.
SPEAKER_02:And we were taken right
SPEAKER_00:out. In a dance sequence. In a dance sequence. With a lot of feathers.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Good way to go. Wide shot. Exactly. Fabulous way to go. Very Cherry Vinyl. Very Cherry Vinyl. Speaking of Cherry Vinyl. Yeah. Someone who looks very gorgeous in vinyl. Can we just go back to Martine? Please. There has to be... She has to be 24, 25. This
SPEAKER_00:is a Martine, like, stan account. And
SPEAKER_02:also, I am a big Martine stan because all I'm seeing is neurodivergent girly. Oh, absolutely. No patience whatsoever. Same girl. And after four hours of filming, of course. Wouldn't you be in, like, an ADHD freeze? Like, get me out of here. I'm about to have a meltdown.
SPEAKER_00:You saw that margarita bar. I would have walked in there and been like, no, sorry, that neon sign is fucked.
SPEAKER_02:Where is everyone?
SPEAKER_00:It is Queenstown.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, true. They
SPEAKER_00:probably was in there like a bunch of backpackers or something and they were like...
SPEAKER_02:Okay, off to Cherburger. I want to...
SPEAKER_00:Fergburger.
SPEAKER_02:Fergburger.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so we need to talk about Fergburger. So you've been to fucking Queenstown. No, but I used
SPEAKER_02:to date this guy who would go every year. It's such a dreary place. And he would just go, Fergburger,
SPEAKER_00:Fergburger, Fergburger. It's just a burger. They're not that good.
SPEAKER_02:They're not that
SPEAKER_00:good. We waited for like two hours for one and then I was like, this is like grilled. It's not even like grilled. It's better.
SPEAKER_02:Really?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. same shit
SPEAKER_02:is it expensive queenstown i can imagine yeah it's probably like outrageous any snow location like
SPEAKER_00:a dumb ski town it's a
SPEAKER_02:fucking dump
SPEAKER_00:yeah yeah it's just there's just Designer stores and yeah, Ferg Burger and that's it.
SPEAKER_02:A few chalets, a few
SPEAKER_00:villas. Oh my God, the villas.
SPEAKER_02:The villas.
SPEAKER_00:We've actually decided to get our own villa.
SPEAKER_02:We're going to get our own villa. So good. We're going to hold hands and look into each other's eyes. The other thing that really creeped me out about this episode just quickly. Yeah. I know we're probably not ready to touch on this yet, but... Nicole's relationship. Oh, not Nicole. Nicole is present. I think she's trying to wait herself out. She's done. She's done. I mean, I hope she's done. She's like, I want to just spend my life cutting people off. Please let me do that. I don't want to keep talking about it. Caroline's relationship with her husband. That was a bit weird. Who do you work for? When she goes, you know, there's nothing. I don't really talk to him about the kids. Like, don't you sleep in the same room? in bed every night, not my business, but maybe not.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Maybe it's just a bit, maybe this is too deep for the podcast.
SPEAKER_00:No, no, there's a few. Well, so the thing that stands out to me about this cast is, yeah, the husband. His hair
SPEAKER_02:feathers.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my God. Is the lyrebirds that have been murdered to make Victoria's hair. And the yetis. And those poor yetis. I do not support that. No. But the husbands are not present. Like, Martine's trying to make her husband a thing. They had like that golf scene. Yeah. And I was like,
SPEAKER_02:oh. You both are drinking the same poison because you're trying to look younger. Yeah. The husband. But you know he's pressing. And then she is just looking so young. Like, which baby's blood are you drinking?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I can't get over it. I'm gobsmacked. Every week. She looks fucking incredible. Snatched. Yeah. And not even like, doesn't even look it.
SPEAKER_00:No.
SPEAKER_02:She's just naturally
SPEAKER_00:so snatched. Yeah, none of them. They're all pretty private about who they're seeing. Even Dr. Kate was like, I've got some piece of ass coming to Queenstown when you ladies leave, which I was like, amazing. But even with that, I wonder if we're going to see it. Probably not because she didn't even say the name.
SPEAKER_02:No. She's like, I don't like labels. I was going, well, is he coming? Is
SPEAKER_00:he coming though? How do you feel about Dr. Kate?
SPEAKER_02:She's like that friend you have that's always like a little bit of a... A dweller on the negative.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. She can frequently be a Debbie Downer. Yeah. But I do like her confessionals. Me too. Especially this season when she's just like, get fucked up. She gets really bogan and confessional and I love it.
SPEAKER_02:It's very Samantha Armitage style.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I like it. I like it. Almost Sophie Monk. Almost Sophie Monk. Oh yeah, there we were. Sophie Monk should be on that show. Sophie Monk would
SPEAKER_00:kill it. Every show. Sophie Monk needs to be on every show. Every single show that was ever made.
SPEAKER_02:The Princess of Central Coast at the moment. The Big Mansion at Woi Woi. Invite us, Sophie.
SPEAKER_00:Sophie, we're desperate.
SPEAKER_02:We're desperate, darling. Desperate to join you.
SPEAKER_00:Should we get into this episode? Yeah, let's do it. Every painful second of it. So it's called BDE in NZ. Great work. Great work. Glad we're catching on to
SPEAKER_02:the What's Trending hashtags. Glad we're into the hashtags.
SPEAKER_00:And we get more adventures in New Zealand. They really crammed in some activities at the top.
SPEAKER_02:They did. Oh, can I just say, fucking fierce. Those shots up the mountain. Fucking fierce
SPEAKER_00:on the helicopter. I would have shat myself.
SPEAKER_02:Fucking amazing. So good. That looked fucking incredible. And everything else kind of looked a bit like...
SPEAKER_00:Well, like Sally and Chrissy were just like back at the ranch, like drinking tea. What?
SPEAKER_02:Arena TV. We're like, sorry girls, we can only afford four of you. So which ones have
SPEAKER_00:done it? Who's not coming in the dropper? They could have like, yeah, they could have at least given them a supplementary activity.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, exactly. Or
SPEAKER_00:maybe they've already done everything in Queenstown, including the ice penis. Yeah, I think so. There's only one ice penis, so they couldn't use it twice. Oh, H&S. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_02:Regulation.
SPEAKER_00:Kate's hungover. But she wouldn't miss the adventures with the girls for the world. No way. Because she's a fucking good, she's a team player. She is. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:She's, yeah, she's a Cub Scout.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Speaking of not team players, Martine needs some time out because she's had a really stressful night storming out of a margarita bar. So she's like, I'm just going to have some me time, which to that I say, fuck yeah,
SPEAKER_02:get it. Absolutely. Get that check. And you can just tell it would have just been so boring filming that whole day and you're standing up at the table and you're just looking at each other and there's no one else in the bar and the fluorescent lighting is really popping off and we're just talking about the same thing over and over and over again.
SPEAKER_00:They should have sent a camera crew with her just when she went souvenir shopping on her own. Exactly. It was weird to me that they didn't.
SPEAKER_02:Or making a new friend. Yeah, exactly. Or just sitting around. I reckon she's gone fuck off for 24 hours. Yeah. Which I fully support.
SPEAKER_00:I love it. She still would have gotten paid. Fantastic. But
SPEAKER_02:did you hear the murmurs of, oh, maybe she's on Ozempic?
SPEAKER_00:Well, the girl said that. And I'm going,
SPEAKER_02:how? Why would she bother? She's the size of the,
SPEAKER_00:why would you bother? We've seen her diet from the kids' menu. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's just that. She
SPEAKER_02:loves burgers and chips and you can't really eat any of that because it would make you too full on Ozempic, I'm guessing here. I
SPEAKER_00:think she's a little bird. You know, there's little bird people that just kind of peck at one chicken nugget. What's that
SPEAKER_02:one? What's that one? Hummingbird.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, she's a little hummingbird. She's a little
SPEAKER_02:hummingbird. Having a little peck pock.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Sally goes, we haven't seen Martine after she walked out of the margarita bar. Which you'll never hear me. doing that I would never I would never turn down a margarita in any situation and I
SPEAKER_02:saw a coconut one and that's my favourite flavour we're not doing cheers how many times we have to cheers
SPEAKER_00:that was the bit that made that like I was the most outraged just leaving behind like a full mug
SPEAKER_02:I know
SPEAKER_00:like that's actually disgusting that's rich in like we're like there's a housing crisis
SPEAKER_02:there's a housing crisis you know there's an everything
SPEAKER_00:crisis like come on Down it. At least pick it up, down it, and then be like, fuck yous all on out.
SPEAKER_02:Fuck yous all. Or take it with you. Get it in a takeaway cup. Exactly. Exactly. That would have been iconic. Pour it into your Stanley cup and jog at home. Take my microphone off me. Take my microphone off me. Oh, I love that. That was great. In a meltdown, I love saying that.
SPEAKER_00:You know it's a real meltdown when that happens. Take
SPEAKER_02:my microphone off me. Take my microphone off me.
SPEAKER_00:In the car with Terry and Chrissy, Chrissy blames Terry's penis bar energy for why Martine left. She goes, well, you might have thrown her off because, you know, you had just come from the penis bar.
SPEAKER_02:And you had that big dick
SPEAKER_00:energy. You had that big dick energy. ice dick in your mouth and then you're rocked up and she might have just gone, oh, actually, I feel a bit uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_02:Got to go. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, God. Like, I love this. They're just like pontificating about why she left. I'm like, guys, it's not that
SPEAKER_02:deep. It's not that deep. It's called I'm fucking bored and I really don't do anything I don't want to do. Exactly. And it's probably like 12.30 at night because they take so long. I was supposed to have dinner with Gamble. Shut the fuck up. Many years ago and she's like, I'll be here, I'll be here, I'll be here. And I think me and my friend got so fucking pissed drinking, waiting for Gamble. I was with Luke Wolfie, the son. Yes! And we got so
SPEAKER_00:fucking pissed. Oh my God, you and Luke, that's iconic. It is iconic. I
SPEAKER_02:hope they're doing well. Where
SPEAKER_00:are they? I don't know. I haven't had eyes on Luke for a while. I did bump into Luke once at the Peel and we had a lovely dance floor, like fun time. It was cute. He
SPEAKER_02:is the loveliest guy. This was like many years ago. This was like maybe seven years ago, but He's really nice.
SPEAKER_00:Was he
SPEAKER_02:of age at that point?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah. We had his 18th birthday on the show, didn't we? Yeah, we did. For his 21st or something. Remember when Gamby
SPEAKER_02:did that really nice speech? I loved that. That was really nice. That's very nice. Oh, Gamby. And I really like Wolfie when he was... Brucey, Wolfie, Wolfpup. That was fun.
SPEAKER_00:Brucey's at fucking Baz Lemon's place. Yeah. Hanging out with Alex Perry and Napoleon Perdue.
SPEAKER_02:Well, it depends what kind of month we're in. Because if every other part of the year they're in the Greek... Silence. Doing what?
SPEAKER_00:Fuck, I want Chica's life.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. No wonder she doesn't mind. Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:I wouldn't either. I wouldn't either. She's getting around by the pool, though. That's probably what will
SPEAKER_02:happen to me, if I'm honest. True. Because I don't see anyone that's not gay. Yeah, exactly. I just think I didn't know a straight person until I was 22, babe. Oh, how fabulous. And even then, I really had to look, too. I had to look. They are out there. They are out there, but they're
SPEAKER_00:nowhere near me. I've got a force field. Do you watch maths?
SPEAKER_02:No,
SPEAKER_00:no. Oh, fuck, thank God. I'm glad you don't because that would be, we would now then have been derailed into that. But I get my education about the straights and how they're doing from math.
SPEAKER_02:They're not doing okay, doll. No, babe. They're in liquidation, like factory outlet. Yeah. You know that like JJ's jeans, it's a warehouse. They're in liquidation. They're Gloria jeans, the straights, and they're in liquidation. Sorry, Dale. I don't know where they are. I honestly go outside and I repel straight people.
SPEAKER_00:Same. They look at me and they just walk the other way. The
SPEAKER_02:other way. I can't tell you how many straight people. I don't know. Yeah. There's too many. All of them. All of them. I do not know a single straight person. I don't think we're missing out. No. I think the light's just really turned on in me and it's just shining too brightly, even for the moths.
SPEAKER_00:Shine, shine, Shy, shy,
SPEAKER_02:shy.
SPEAKER_00:So Victoria is pretending to be excited about being on a fast boat. But then she realises that her Porsche at home can do the same thing. So
SPEAKER_02:it's kind of lame. Take the kids to school. Oh, by the way, I meant to say Victoria. Oh, when you talk. With the husband. I thought so. Sorry. I was like, Caroline's husband? Why? I always think about Caroline's face because it's just so. Yeah. And then for some reason, no, no. I was talking
SPEAKER_00:about. Montana. Yeah. And her husband that's. She sleeps the whole time she's on a trip because she drugs him. In the south of France. Love that. Yeah. She's like, honey, I've made you a special drink. And he's like. She just goes out partying. Does whatever she wants. I fucking love it.
SPEAKER_02:Go for a run.
SPEAKER_00:She is. I can see Victoria Montana at the White Lotus.
SPEAKER_02:Me too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. With Martine. And like, they just need one other friend.
SPEAKER_02:One other friend. Who's it going to be? Jackie Gillies.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely no one else from this cast, but that would be a little threesy that I could see. Would
SPEAKER_02:you get a reading from Jackie's Gillies song? See,
SPEAKER_00:okay, so have you seen her? She's doing this Bali thing. Yeah,
SPEAKER_02:my friend's really tempted to go.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, wait, should we fucking do it? It's so expensive. It's very expensive. It's like 10 grand. What? It's like nine or something. It's stupid. Do you get a reading a day? But you get involved in group readings. which i'm like
SPEAKER_02:no
SPEAKER_00:no i want a one-on-one no for 10k 10k i want one a day exactly
SPEAKER_02:10k i need a morning and an afternoon session yeah 10k
SPEAKER_00:but have you seen the promo for the promo video for it
SPEAKER_01:yeah
SPEAKER_00:it's iconic it's like bad stock footage like drone shots of bali and then her being like oh Hey, guys. It's me,
SPEAKER_02:Jackie Gillies.
SPEAKER_00:Motherfuckers.
SPEAKER_02:I love Newcastle. I'm a Newcastle girl. And then she's like,
SPEAKER_00:I'm really nervous, but I'm also really fucking excited because I'm going to Bali, cunts, and you can come too if you want.
SPEAKER_02:The most beautiful fucking place on earth.
SPEAKER_00:It's fucking stunning here and I'll give you a group reading.
SPEAKER_02:And honestly, the happy hour at the hot wet pussy in Kuta.$1 Bob Marley shots.
SPEAKER_00:So it's almost worth it, like, honestly, just to be in Bali with Jackie.
SPEAKER_02:Jackie Gillis.
SPEAKER_00:But I'm a real... I would like a reading, but... I'm such a cynical bitch.
SPEAKER_02:Do you want to hear something crazy? Go on. I went to a Northern Rivers popular sidekick just after Christmas.
SPEAKER_00:Have they been on a reality show? No. Not a real
SPEAKER_02:sidekick. Exactly. But I get in there and she goes, that shoulder's out. It's been out for four years. You need to go and get it popped back in this afternoon. I went, okay. And then she goes, last year at the end of Melbourne Comedy Festival, you had pneumonia. I said, sorry. She goes, you get toxic waste built up in your ears. That's why they get blocked. It's not. Shut up. It's not wax. And does it make your jaw tight? And I go, yes. Anyway, she goes, well, that leaked down into your gut and it gave you pneumonia.
SPEAKER_00:Fuck off.
SPEAKER_02:And then I went and got all the tests. I went to the thing. No. They popped my shoulder back in that afternoon, the physio.
SPEAKER_00:So she's the stalker. And? She's gone to every hospital up and down the East Coast. The whole of New South Wales. She's gotten every hospital record and she's put together a little story. If
SPEAKER_02:you came to Dog Hunt in the last week of Melbourne Comedy Festival, you saw definitely someone on the stage with pneumonia.
SPEAKER_00:Wow. Okay, so that's actually really crazy.
SPEAKER_02:That is crazy. And so I'm fucking putting those eardrops in right now, darling.
SPEAKER_00:I have heard lots of experiences like this from other people. I've just never had one myself. Totally. So maybe when, if and when it happens. I really
SPEAKER_02:am very interested to see. you get one
SPEAKER_00:alright
SPEAKER_02:I have a number
SPEAKER_00:for a harsh one you can donate now to my GoFundMe to get me to Bali I
SPEAKER_02:reckon I would be so interested about what they have to say about you oh my gosh
SPEAKER_00:she'd be shining it up
SPEAKER_02:she'd be shining it up
SPEAKER_00:I do love she started reading just halfway through their healing session she's like just looking at Terry she's like oh yeah your grandma Marie is here I died
SPEAKER_02:I died what's that on your shoulder it's a demon it's a demon I want that demon to fuck off. I love Gina Liano. I'm
SPEAKER_00:actually possessed by a doyment.
SPEAKER_02:I might message Gina Liano today and say, do you want to come to the show?
SPEAKER_00:Please do. I
SPEAKER_02:wonder if she's still with that guy, the geographically challenged
SPEAKER_00:one. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02:It's what I like to call geographically challenged.
SPEAKER_00:There's not many men that could handle that much like woman.
SPEAKER_02:No.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, soz.
SPEAKER_02:No.
SPEAKER_00:Don't even think about it. And that's fine. Okay. Where were we in this fucking episode? Oh, this was so good. They're in the fast boat. Chrissy's like, oh, God. Oh, no. God. Oh, yeah. And then. Doing Chewbacca. She's
SPEAKER_02:like.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Doing the Chewbacca.
SPEAKER_00:And then Victoria even lets out a reluctant
SPEAKER_02:woo,
SPEAKER_00:which she famously hates. Hates. Woo girls. And then she goes in confessional. I may have, uh. accidentally made a woo noise which i immediately regret she's so iconic she's so iconic then we hop on some dirt buggies i was like okay they've really got the two-for-one deal the boats and the buggies and the shooting you get your three activities you bang them out in one morning
SPEAKER_02:yep yep yep the producers would have been like get your branding guys put it in
SPEAKER_00:yep thank you get it in shot Kate gets a mud moustache.
SPEAKER_02:That's it. What about one of them who said, yeah, I'm actually quite attracted to her. It's the jawline. It's the jawline. I'm going, stop. Don't say that too loud. She'll bloody crack your arm.
SPEAKER_00:And then, yeah. But then she's like, keeps going on about how hungover she is. And I'm like, how many marks did they have? Because the... Like, this is my problem with this show. The cameras stop rolling and they all just keep partying. I'm like, guys, I need these fucking union camera operators to suck it up and work all night. Because the girls are doing...
SPEAKER_02:What is the law now? It's two and a half drinks
SPEAKER_00:per episode. Woke culture's gone too far.
SPEAKER_02:I know. But maths introduced a new legislation where you can't have... Did they really? Yeah, it's two and a half standard drinks. No wonder television
SPEAKER_00:is shit now.
SPEAKER_02:No wonder people aren't throwing their fake legs across the room. exactly the only thing that's fake about me is
SPEAKER_00:that
SPEAKER_02:you're so right
SPEAKER_00:they need
SPEAKER_02:to just
SPEAKER_00:yeah
SPEAKER_02:can we Can we sort that out? Can we sort that out? Or just maybe if they sign a disclaimer. But yeah, because of maths.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I mean, yeah. Back in my day. That show is hooked. Yeah. There was a bloke that like punched a hole in a wall this season. And they were like, you can stay. And everyone was like, excuse
SPEAKER_02:me. That's not allowed. I thought that would have been like call the cops.
SPEAKER_00:Right. Well, there is actually a police investigation into it. Really? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That's fair. It's fucked. That's fucked. Yeah. Anyway. That's so bad. Can everyone just fucking settle down?
SPEAKER_00:I know, settle down. But then I do want to see wine being thrown. It's a real, you know.
SPEAKER_02:I missed that one. I watched that season with King Dingaling. What's her? Who do you think you are? King Dingaling. King Dingaling? It's a real, like, the first season of maths.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, okay, okay, okay. Cyril. Oh, Cyril. Cyclone Cyril. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's iconic. Who do you think you
SPEAKER_02:are? King
SPEAKER_00:Dingaling. There's been a few Cyril, like, knockoffs. Great, yeah. Over the years, but she remains. The
SPEAKER_02:most successful one. She's still together with her partner, aren't they? Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:I think so. And they have a son. This season we had Jackie, who was... incredible television with the crazy eyes and she just like just cried at every moment like she went they did like home visits she saw the guy's house and she was like she starts crying he's like that's right
SPEAKER_01:she
SPEAKER_02:just looks like he's been lonely
SPEAKER_00:yes
SPEAKER_02:she's like
SPEAKER_00:it looks like an old person's
SPEAKER_02:home because he's so lonely oh my god
SPEAKER_00:i saw that you are Amazing.
SPEAKER_02:Amazing. And who was the star of last year? Lucinda Lyne. Yeah. Her and Tim. Tim. Tim. Yeah. Tim Sims. Tim Sims.
SPEAKER_00:Then they go shooting and I'm like, this is one too many. This is three too many activities. I would have been, I would have not done any of the activities. Very
SPEAKER_02:tiring. Yeah. I don't know if I would have been able to shoot that plugger. I was very surprised. Fuck no.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Victoria is funny. Victoria picks up that gun. She's like. I can tell she kind of went to Loretto, which is like a really grammar school or King couple and was just like really into that culture and the sport and stuff. And then thought, you know what? Now just, you know, go into that cycle of life, marry. And then my girls would be like that too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Looked pristine. Fabulous hair. Who's doing the hair? Who's doing the
SPEAKER_00:hair? Well, this is my question. Is there glam? That's what I want to know. Because on all the US franchises, they show off their glam. They also tell you how much everything costs, which is like a little bit, but kind of fun. But these women, it's all very secret squirrel, isn't it? Yes, yes. I want to see the gays that are doing your hair. Yeah. Put them on the show. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Duh.
SPEAKER_00:Duh. I want to see, I want to know how much everything you own costs.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Because I'm like, there's no... Unless Victoria's like really good type A, the hair just looks fucking stunning every
SPEAKER_01:day. Except that little feather.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, that's interesting. Rip that out. But that's what I mean. Which gays influence that?
SPEAKER_00:Which tree of life gay has influenced that? I think that may have been a straight. Hence why. A Bikram yoga teacher. Yeah. I think a gay does the hair and then at the very last minute, a straight just walks in and goes, do you know what that's missing? Just... Grabs out a gun, shoots a lyrebird on sight. Just takes the feather out and pops it in.
SPEAKER_02:A bit of flair. Yeah. A kiwi, literally.
SPEAKER_00:From the gun club. Yeah. Yes. The double bed gun club, darling.
SPEAKER_02:Two beds, one stone.
SPEAKER_00:That's
SPEAKER_02:the
SPEAKER_00:name of
SPEAKER_02:the double
SPEAKER_00:bed gun club. Two beds, one stone. It's also a wine
SPEAKER_02:bar.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Now that wine bar, whose friends were there? Oh, lucky we're in a private room. Lucky we're in a private room. Well, that was the episode before. Yeah. Oh, they're all just merging into one.
SPEAKER_00:They are. Well, they're still in New Zealand. I feel like at this rate, I'm so glad we're going back to Sydney next week because I'm pretty far, like I'm bored of New Zealand. I'm bored of New Zealand. As much as Martine's antics have been fantastic.
SPEAKER_02:It's very grey and gloomy over there, isn't it? It is. No wonder they're all wearing yetis.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And the winged eyeliner. Who's doing that? Victoria, who's doing the winged eyeliner? I think that bird that you have in your hair did it. Because it's looking a little bit winky-winky.
SPEAKER_00:Next up is Martine and Kate having a little kiki. Because Martine is not mentally ready to rejoin the group.
SPEAKER_02:Go back to the steak.
SPEAKER_00:She loves a one-on-one bitch, which is like I see a lot of myself in that. Like put me in a group and I'm like, so nice. Get me one-on-one and I will tell you fucking everything. Everything you want to know. Everything.
SPEAKER_02:Everything you want to know. But then when she sits at the table, God, she can really drop a paragraph. It's amazing. Yeah, she can. She knows how to speak it. Mm-hmm. we keep circling back we keep circling back doll you've rehearsed this and it's fire it's like wow do you have a journalism degree
SPEAKER_00:she's she's it's expert
SPEAKER_02:it's expert level everyone's gagged everyone's gagged
SPEAKER_00:to kate she's like to kate uh she's like she describes the energy of the group as a frenetic ping pong match and she's like and kate's kind of like well you've just kind of got to be a bit louder doll which i was like good advice kate
SPEAKER_01:yeah
SPEAKER_00:that's real that's good that's country yeah then the girlies meet for dinner sally's like i hope martine comes but who knows and then i'm like can we just give her an executive producer credit at this point because sally is like narrating the whole show
SPEAKER_02:she's worked in tv for a long time and it shows and it shows
SPEAKER_00:yeah she's actually growing on me last season sally was did nothing for me no this season she's actually like
SPEAKER_02:she's cottoned on
SPEAKER_00:she's cottoned on she's Playing the game. Yeah. She's had a few little moments where I'm like, fuck yeah, Sally. Yeah, yeah,
SPEAKER_02:yeah. Get him. Get him. Get him, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think her opposite is Terry, who knows exactly what they want and will even smile into the camera when she kind of stirs the pot. Yeah. So good. So good. But, you know, it's going to be really frustrating repeating hitting that dead horse when Sally goes... that, oh, you know, you're not really mature until who's upset about it. Shut up. Do something funnier.
SPEAKER_00:Get a male stripper in. I know. Get a
SPEAKER_02:mechanical bull at the tequila bar. Let
SPEAKER_00:someone knock their front teeth out. How do we not work on this show? Seriously. There needs
SPEAKER_02:to be a Bogan version. I think. Yeah. It's too fun. It's too rich. There needs to be like a Bogan, like a nouveau riche one.
SPEAKER_00:Totally.
SPEAKER_02:Nouveau riche Housewives of Sydney.
SPEAKER_00:That
SPEAKER_02:would be a
SPEAKER_00:good idea. They could have like class-based like tiers.
SPEAKER_02:Totally. Totally. And like, you know, it's Friday night, RSL night, bitches. We're going to do the meat raffle. Then we're going to get mimosas. So good. And then we're going to finish on karaoke. That's what I want to watch. Can you imagine? Yeah. Where they actually go out. Where they actually go out. Yeah. I actually do stuff. I've actually done a rail from a guy in a fedora. That was weird.
SPEAKER_00:Well, look, Martine probably won't turn up for the rest of the trip, which I think was wishful thinking on her part. But she comes in. With a fabulous
SPEAKER_02:smoky eye.
SPEAKER_00:Loved the smoky eye. She actually looked so kind. So divine. With the red lips. I was like,
SPEAKER_02:did you get a little bit of filler as well? That's what
SPEAKER_00:she was doing. She just needed a couple of hours out. She faked a storm out so she could go and get her lips plumped. Which
SPEAKER_02:is commitment. I've done worse. Oh, exactly.
SPEAKER_00:I've done worse. Martine says she's ready to explain herself.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. If you'll let me. If you'll fucking let me get a word in. Stop interrupting me.
SPEAKER_00:Stop interrupting me. She's like, I've had a really relaxing day just buying sheep toys for my kids.
SPEAKER_02:For my kids. Because that's all
SPEAKER_00:I have to worry about usually. That's a shit gift. That's like an airport, like, you don't love your kids. Yeah. Like, come on.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Give them something better.
SPEAKER_02:What? Yeah, I don't even know what you could possibly get in New Zealand.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know. Some nice possum fur.
SPEAKER_02:Booties. Booties. Some wool. A sheepskin vest. A pashmina. A pashmina.
SPEAKER_00:Actually, that'd be a nice gift.
SPEAKER_02:A pashmina in the print. Cheetah. A cheetah pashmina.
SPEAKER_00:A cheetah pashmina. A
SPEAKER_02:cheetah pashmina, sure. Throw over the shoulder.
SPEAKER_00:Fabulous. She starts off with an apology, which I was like, snaps. I wasn't expecting that. She's like, I would like to start with an apology. But then it nose dives into insanity. Like, there's no other way to describe this. It's like, she's like... Oh, so that's normal, is it? Just to go out on a girls' night and have margaritas and talk about dicks. Is that normal behaviour, is it? I'm like,
SPEAKER_01:yeah,
SPEAKER_02:bitch. That's like primary school. That is like 18-year-olds going out for the very first time in their lives. That's exactly what will happen in the first five minutes.
SPEAKER_00:And she's really furthering my... theory that she is not human no she's been programmed by robot yeah by a stepford wife robot because that to me was alarming
SPEAKER_02:that was
SPEAKER_00:and then she just this is so wild she's like kind of patronizing everyone i love when she's like to terry well you're a lot spicier than me and i'm like And she means it as an absolute dagger. But Terry's like, thank you. Thanks, doll. I
SPEAKER_02:am a lot spicier than you. I fucking better be. I fucking
SPEAKER_00:better be. In conventional, she's like... Look, you can go me for my spiciness, but I'm not going to go you for your fucking blandness. And I said, Terry, eight with zero crumbs remaining.
SPEAKER_02:Zero crumbs with a fabulous winged eyeliner. Thank you very much. The beef kind of stays queen, let's be honest. She does with that middle part, slick down,
SPEAKER_00:slick back. But yeah, this was crazy. Like, I love anyone that starts with an apology and then just kind of starts. Oh,
SPEAKER_02:then does a tinsky forward,
SPEAKER_00:does a front flip. Does a little
SPEAKER_02:whoop. Yeah, perfect.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, no. Then it kicks off mainly between Martine and Chrissy. But, like, everyone is kind of involved. And this is where I love Sally because Sally's kind of being firm but fair. She's a bit like, well, we kind of were just drinking mugs and being fun. Yeah. And that, for some reason, triggered you. So, you are the one that needs to do the explaining right now. Yeah. Like, no one else can.
SPEAKER_02:Totally.
SPEAKER_00:She starts reading everyone's character. This is Martine's issue here. She's going really personal.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, she
SPEAKER_00:is. I think when you... upset with someone you need to like isolate the behavior like if she just said you guys weren't like asking me any questions or like giving me an in or whatever i'd be like sure
SPEAKER_02:yeah
SPEAKER_00:but she literally was just like well chrissy you're a fucking dumb slut that always talks about dicks
SPEAKER_02:and your legs are wide
SPEAKER_00:open so it's kind of hard to like be around you for that reason could you just stop being you like she's literally offended by These women's personalities.
SPEAKER_02:People speaking. Yeah. Do you reckon it's a bit of like misogyny? Internalised misogyny. Internalised misogyny. I think it would be. Could be. And it's just from literally simply being programmed to be fit into the patriarchy and benefit from the patriarchy because she says she is where she is from making the right
SPEAKER_00:choices. Well, she's reading a lot of Jordan Peterson.
UNKNOWN:Oh.
SPEAKER_00:She's probably listening to
SPEAKER_02:a bit of Andrew Tate. I was like,
SPEAKER_00:where are
SPEAKER_02:you getting all this information
SPEAKER_00:from? She's like, well, it's a research psychologist. It
SPEAKER_02:sounds like you're hanging out with your husband and a couple of his friends. I reckon. And making them a few sandwiches. Too much?
SPEAKER_00:So
SPEAKER_02:wild. Yeah, I think it might be a little bit of internal misogyny. Because I think if being quiet is polite and the right way to be.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:then we're fucked. We're minimizing ourselves, aren't we girls?
SPEAKER_00:Exactly.
SPEAKER_02:Imagine the dolls around Martine. We would sink her ship in a second. She wouldn't last a second. It would be you shouting down the corridor, Yeah, diva! She'd explode. The head would pop off. The head would pop off.
SPEAKER_00:Me chasing her for a selfie. For some tips. The conversation then turns briefly to sharing a villa. So I didn't realise they were moving to another location. For what reason, I don't know. But here we are. And Victoria delivers this iconic line where she says, I don't share men. I've never done Uber share, which I love. That's what it's called now, Uber share. And I certainly don't share accommodation. Fucking amazing.
SPEAKER_02:Amazing. Look, I've definitely shared accommodation, but I've never done an Uber share. Have you? I
SPEAKER_00:have done an Uber share, but I don't do it anymore because it's...
SPEAKER_02:It's actually not even worth
SPEAKER_00:it. It literally comes up with the thing saying... Save$1. Yes. And I'm like.
SPEAKER_02:What? The other day I was like, I'll do an UberShare because I've got to get to Balaclava from the city. You
SPEAKER_00:might get groped, but you'll save$1.
SPEAKER_02:You'll save$4.$4, please. And it's going to take maybe twice the time. Can't even get a sushi roll for that anymore. Exactly. Fuck me dead. You're going to have to wink at the barista for a piccolo under$4. Fuck off. What are you doing, Uber?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, fuck off with
SPEAKER_02:that. It needs to be like$10 cheaper.$15 cheaper.
SPEAKER_00:I'd love to see Victoria Montana in an Uber share talking to a stranger. Talking to a stranger. Some unwashed riffraff.
SPEAKER_01:On a night out. Jesus.
SPEAKER_00:Victoria stands up for Martine here, though. She goes Sally for shit-starring. She goes, you were very eloquent. You look great. You sound great. But... You being a fucking shit stirrer. And I was like. Just
SPEAKER_02:because you do it in a nice voice. Just because you do it in a nice voice. And I went, here we fucking go. Here we go. SPS on demand. It
SPEAKER_00:was SBS On Demand. SBS On Demand. Like, at least she is doing it in a nice voice because Martine is just reading these bitches fulfilled and it's really rude. Yeah. And in like a tone.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, in a tone. Honestly, I'm not on anyone's side this season because everyone's like really being a cunt.
SPEAKER_00:Big time. Really
SPEAKER_02:being bitchy in their own thing. And about nothing. Because I'm then on Kate's side and then I'm not on Kate's side and then I'm on Chrissy's side and then I'm on Terry's side and I'm like, there's no clear villain because everyone is having Nebula moment. At a drop of a hat. At a drop of a hat.
SPEAKER_00:If anyone really has a claim to be pissed off this season, it's Sally. She's literally had people like... you know, question her character because she's had cancer. That's like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's actually fucked. And that's been swept on. And she was so good about that. She, if she wanted to, she could have
SPEAKER_02:gone,
SPEAKER_00:slapped the shit out of Victoria Montana. And we all would have been like diva.
SPEAKER_02:Diva.
SPEAKER_00:Down. We'd be like, violence is not cool, but, That's kind of alright.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? But no, she's been very nice. So I'm kind of like... Like the shit these other women get upset about is wild. Like Nicole being late. And then like this. Or like... There's got to be more, right? Yeah. That we're not seeing. Because they turn the cameras off after 9.15pm when the union law is fucking kicking. When
SPEAKER_02:Chrissy put her fist down and was really emotional about Nicole cutting people off, that trauma, that wound has got to be about 17 years old.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah. Because that flip went... Because didn't she say they were acquaintances or something? She's like, we barely know each other. And she's like, bitch, we've gone on family trips or whatever. Yeah,
SPEAKER_02:yeah, yeah. And you could just tell In her eyes, she's just been so frustrated with Nicole for fucking years and years and years. Nicole's pretty frustrating. Very frustrating and completely oblivious or acts like that.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, God. Anyway, Martine is one cold bitch. Chrissy is like... She speaks in monologues. Like, do we just need to sit here and listen like we're the disciples? I was like, Chrissy... With the religious references. Then the conversation turns to Jordan Peterson, whoever the fuck that is, and this confusing idea that if you haven't had a child, you stay a child. I can
SPEAKER_02:attest to that. If I'm honest, I still reckon I'm 17. I can honestly attest to that. I
SPEAKER_00:mean...
SPEAKER_02:It's not the truth, but I can't say anything.
SPEAKER_00:It's just really dumb. And, like, firstly, who commissioned this research? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And also... What? You can just tell it's not the truth. Like... I know so many fucking stupid idiots who have kids.
SPEAKER_00:Well, that
SPEAKER_02:was what Sally said. And do you know why they had kids? Because they were stupid
SPEAKER_00:idiots. They did it for the Centrelink payments. Yeah. I love that Sally was like, well, you know, she pretty much said that like people are popping them out. And they don't know how to look after them. I'm like, yes, Sally. Yeah. Correct.
SPEAKER_02:Honestly, some of the most mature people I know have said, you know what? I'm not going to have a kid. And God, the world is a good place. Thank you so much. You
SPEAKER_00:did us such a service. Keeping your seed in your pants. Thank you so much. Dr. Kate is like... all right, she's like, well, it's a fucked hypothesis and I'd like to see the method of research.
SPEAKER_02:And if anyone knows about research, it's probably the one with a master's degree in veterinary science.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. She does get... Yeah, overlooked a lot. I would be just as frustrated as she is with this group.
SPEAKER_02:I'm surprised she lasted this long.
SPEAKER_00:Same. I'm surprised she's on this season. She's a big fan. She loves Housewives. I think she's just like in it because she's like, this is going to be fun. Yeah. And she gets enough fun moments out of it. Exactly. And you
SPEAKER_02:do get to do like, go on the mountain, suck the penis off with the tequila, you know.
SPEAKER_00:You and your penis bar. Just really killing the vibe with your penis bar energy, Terry. She came in hot. What a fun-filled dinner with Martine. We love it. We love to see it. Then Victoria Montano gets her evil eye tattoo to ward off jealousy. Actually,
SPEAKER_02:that could look quite nice, actually. I love the blue tones in that, especially the lighter one. I thought that actually looks quite nice.
SPEAKER_00:Martine's like, I would never
SPEAKER_02:get a tattoo. Never. God, I love that sociopath.
SPEAKER_00:I think it's because she doesn't have skin. It's actually like a synthetic silicone. Siliphane. Yeah. It was made in a lab. Yeah. So she can't actually get a tattoo. Oh, no way. They can program them. There's like upgrades coming soon.
SPEAKER_02:But they haven't cracked it yet.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. They're not available in this region.
SPEAKER_02:No. Yeah. Sorry, Hannah.
SPEAKER_00:The other girls talk about the C word. And Chrissy also reveals that she has had a cancer journey. And then they get a little bit emotional. I like these scenes where they actually talk real. It's a little bit
SPEAKER_02:more real and not like... hypotheses on Jordan Peterson
SPEAKER_00:exactly and good on Chrissy because like she would have fought the temptation hard to every time Sally's talking about the big C to go oh me I had it too bitch yeah but she didn't yeah what a hero
SPEAKER_02:what a hero yeah I really like Chrissy I like her loudness and her brashness and but she would be heaps of fun and I like to have fun she's so funny I think she's rational I think she's reasonable
SPEAKER_00:yeah
SPEAKER_02:she's a bit of a that's
SPEAKER_00:all it comes down to like montano and martine they hate woo girls and these other girls are woo girls and that's why they don't get on it's like they're trying to act like they're really like classy and fancy and they don't talk about dicks but i'm like you realize we want you to like it's fine if you do
SPEAKER_02:totally
SPEAKER_00:Just do it. Exactly.
SPEAKER_02:What else are we going to talk about? Okay, what else are we going to talk about?
SPEAKER_00:Honestly, on a girl's trip, I don't know. I
SPEAKER_02:can't name one thing.
SPEAKER_00:Just, yeah. Mainly just dick.
SPEAKER_02:Get Jackie Gillies back and let's start doing readings.
SPEAKER_00:They should have gotten Jackie on this trip.
SPEAKER_02:And they should have got her doing readings. Two spare spots. I want to know what the reading would have been for Martine. And I bet she would have come back going, I can't read her. Yeah. Something's wrong. It's because she's a robot.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. And then maybe that's why they couldn't have Martine at the healing session. Because they'd figure it out.
SPEAKER_02:Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:In production. They can't have their robot plant. That's why the healing session
SPEAKER_02:and went so tits up.
SPEAKER_00:Mixed messages. Then the girls arrive at Cascada Villa, darling. She, she, she, she, she, darling.
SPEAKER_02:We're going to move to another villa. It's going to be really chic.
SPEAKER_00:I'd be so confused if I was on a trip and I was like, okay, now we're just... staying somewhere else in the same place, I'd be like, I don't want to have to pack up all my shit. Sorry, guys. It's annoying.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, the promo says we need more money, so we're going to go to this other villa because they need some advertising.
SPEAKER_00:There was a one-night maximum at Villa Cascada. Sally calls it Lux on steroids.
SPEAKER_02:Wow.
SPEAKER_00:Which I was like, I mean, it did look pretty hot.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it looked pretty good.
SPEAKER_00:It looks cold. It
SPEAKER_02:looks chic.
SPEAKER_00:There was a pool. Or was it the other villa? One villa had a pool. That infinity pool? And I'm like, no one is using that pool.
SPEAKER_02:That infinity pool, yeah. Unless it's heated. It's very confusing. Imagine heating that doll. That was like literally 300 meters long. Yeah, yeah. That was so long. That's crazy. It's bigger than an ice penis. That's crazy. Yeah. Fuck. Slide into that.
SPEAKER_00:Martine and Victoria are immediately being killjoy judgy cunts. And they're like, oh, we can't stay here. They're going to get drunk. They're going to be rowdy.
SPEAKER_02:They're going to be drinking all night. And then it cuts to Chrissy. And they're going to look over the fence in our room.
SPEAKER_00:It cuts to Chrissy and she's like,
SPEAKER_02:one bottle of vodka or
SPEAKER_00:two, ladies.
UNKNOWN:What?
SPEAKER_02:The champagne goes. So good. Kate's got it.
SPEAKER_00:Then back to the Bobsy Twins and Victoria is like, oh, I just really don't want you, Martine, to get piled on again. And I'm like, piled on? She fucking started that. Like, I'm sorry. She walked into that dinner with a machine gun. Yeah. And then Victoria's like, I hope they don't jab at you. Come on. Like, I love these ladies and their delusion. And their delulu. Wow.
SPEAKER_02:But play. Yeah. Yeah, see, I'm not on anyone's side and usually I am.
SPEAKER_00:No, neither, because it's just so fun. Because it just keeps going, what, what, what? I'm just glad there's tension and I'm glad it's, like, fresh. Because they've been flogging the same storylines for a while. So I'm glad there's some new shit going on. Victoria's like, so about the rooms. These rooms are fucking hideous. And I... you couldn't pay me. to sleep in them.
SPEAKER_02:And now I've got to go and fucking get a new villa.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my God, when she was complaining, now I've got to get another villa.
SPEAKER_02:I went,
SPEAKER_00:oh. As if they hadn't organised it already. She said, Martina and I are going to get our own villa. She was so much joy in delivering that news. We're going to get our own place. It was great.
SPEAKER_02:Sally's face, electrocuted. Like, what more could you want? Your own bathroom.
SPEAKER_00:In this year of Outlawed 2025, the housing crisis. It's hard out here. She's like, I can't be in this villa. So good. She tries to justify it and let's be real. It's just like them flexing their cash, which is great.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, which is fine. She's like, oh, quickly, at a drop of a hat, let's get something tonight.
SPEAKER_00:I love Dr. Kate. It's like, who cares? Fucking let them go. I was like, yes, that would have been me. I would have been Dr. Kate. I would have been like, they want to go. I
SPEAKER_02:don't
SPEAKER_00:want them here judging us. Like, go to your own villa and be boring. Be in bed by nine. You
SPEAKER_02:don't want to be going around on eggshells.
SPEAKER_00:We're doing fucking T-bombs all
SPEAKER_02:night. We're doing T-bombs. on night we're doing stuff we're putting on music come on this is on arena tv bitch
SPEAKER_00:amazing martine and victoria check into their new villa and they're like i bet they're talking about penises right now they're probably
SPEAKER_02:talking about penises
SPEAKER_00:big dick energy and then it cuts back to oh no before that she's like there's actually nothing funny about a penis
SPEAKER_02:I'm like, you sure, doll? Pretty sure every single part of it is funny. Every single part of a penis is funny.
SPEAKER_00:And they've got these faces up there like, yeah, it's actually, yeah, it's nothing funny about a penis at all.
SPEAKER_02:Imagine those two at a bachelorette with the penis straws and the penis necklaces and the penis bobblehead. What would they do? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I honestly don't know. And
SPEAKER_00:then, of course, it cuts to Chrissy being like,
SPEAKER_01:baby, ladies. Come
SPEAKER_02:on.
SPEAKER_00:Big ones. We're like big ones, yeah? Girfy. Big bit of girth on her. If he
SPEAKER_02:has no money, how big's his penis? Because money comes, money goes. But you know what stays the same? A big
SPEAKER_00:cock. And that's why we love our girl Chrissy. She knows what's up.
SPEAKER_02:We love it. Big kissy.
SPEAKER_00:Big kissy to Chrissy. Dr. Kate says she's had a fun time with the girls. And she also says that it's probably because Caroline and Nicole weren't there. Yeah. And I'm like, tea.
SPEAKER_02:Tea. Sorry, but going on a holiday with Nicole, I would feel like I was with my nana.
SPEAKER_00:And look what happened
SPEAKER_02:last time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That wasn't chic.
SPEAKER_02:Just the most unfun... The wine's kicking in now. The most unfun person to ever be invited anywhere. Yeah. So serious all the time.
SPEAKER_00:And then Caroline can party, but because of the energy between her and Kate that's off, that would have probably just dominated the whole trip. So because we didn't get that, so it was a good... production choice i think yeah if that's what happened who the fuck knows but like to be like we'll bench these two and then some new shit can start so now we've got you know brilliant martin v the people which i fucking
SPEAKER_02:love i love it i love it sociopath versus the delulu and
SPEAKER_00:next week we'll go back to sydney which is good yeah and it looks like it's all gonna fucking kick off between the biv and caroline and i can't wait i
SPEAKER_02:can't wait i can't wait and terry goes let's fucking go we're here
SPEAKER_00:to do the job she takes the fucking hoop earrings off
SPEAKER_02:and she goes looks into the camera and goes watch this Yes. She gives them what they
SPEAKER_00:want. I can't
SPEAKER_02:wait. I've been busy, I guess.
UNKNOWN:Ding. Ding.
SPEAKER_00:She's a fucking star.
SPEAKER_02:Bring Minichiello back too. What a honey. I know. Come on. The king and queen of Sydney.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Of the cross. Do something fun. Bring like John Abraham or something.
SPEAKER_00:How have they not even done like a little Oxford Street night? Yeah, come on. Like,
SPEAKER_02:hello. Hello.
SPEAKER_00:Get Minnie Cooper back on.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, go on.
SPEAKER_00:That's a threat. Get Minnie to take him out on a little walking tour, like a little bar crawl. Yeah. It's homophobic if you don't. And
SPEAKER_02:then, you know, they do like a bazooka competition. petition
SPEAKER_01:yeah
SPEAKER_00:did you watch the season five of melbourne where they took them to where they go cans or port douglas yeah and then they did cane toad racing yeah that was amazing
SPEAKER_02:yeah come on we need shit like that we need stuff like that
SPEAKER_00:yeah
SPEAKER_02:where yeah we need stuff like that we need stuff like that especially with these We need a little
SPEAKER_00:bit. The clay pigeons were not it. No. And yeah, them on a fast boat. Like the helicopter was great. That was good. But yeah, girls trip, bit of a flop. If Martine wasn't there to cause chaos, this trip would have been shit house. Bit floppy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Bit floppy. It just looked cold and dark. And a bit boring. It was a bit boring.
SPEAKER_00:Take them to the White Lotus in Thailand next time. Come on, do something funny.
SPEAKER_02:You know, get Lisa Oldfoot out again. Why don't we fucking drown?
SPEAKER_00:There was a fat man, an obese man, that came out.
SPEAKER_02:I'm going, why did you have to say that? Why is that relevant?
SPEAKER_00:Ruby Tease, you've been a delight. Tell us, where can our listeners find you and book tickets to your fabulous comedy shows? Come to my show.
SPEAKER_02:You'll fucking love it. It's called Cooper Petey's Last Showgirl. It's a real nostalgic Australiana comedy from the 90s. Can confirm. Hilarious. Thank God. A little showgirl from Cooper Petey walks her way up the dingo fence and lands in a shantytown on the Rose Coast called Service Paradise. It's on at 9pm every night unless you come on Sunday. It's on at 8pm on Sunday night. God's Day at the Greek 168 Lonsdale Street. But if you head to my Instagram, which is rubyteastropicalversion.mp3, you'll be able to buy tickets in the link in the bio. Or just type in my name, rubyteast, T-E-Y-S, like keys with a T, to the Melbourne Comedy Festival website. I'm there. And honestly, strangers come every night and they fucking love it. Yes. So you will
SPEAKER_00:too. Of course I do. Fuck, what a professional. You know.
SPEAKER_02:You know. You know.
SPEAKER_00:You know. Well, thanks, doll.
SPEAKER_02:Gina Liana's coming.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, Gina Liana will be there the night that you go. Exactly. So, whenever you book... She's been three times already. You're guaranteed to
SPEAKER_02:see her. What do you hope for this season?
SPEAKER_00:I... Look, I'm just here for the ride. I'm really enjoying the addition of Martine. Like, fag, fucking... In my household, we are
SPEAKER_02:Martine... Is
SPEAKER_00:our MVP. Yeah, Martini's MVP at the moment. Living for the Biv too. Can't wait to see her throw down with Caroline next week. I want more. I want to get to the bottom of what happened at the intercom. Right. And I would like the producers to keep the cameras rolling. Yes. That's my one bit of feedback.
SPEAKER_02:And I'd like everyone to sign that release form so that they can have more than two and a half drinks. Oh, please. Please. Wouldn't even touch the science of Chewbacca. And I would like you, everyone listening, to say Star Wars characters,
SPEAKER_00:who are they like? We want to know.
SPEAKER_02:R2-D2.
SPEAKER_00:Who is R2? Who's Chewie? Yoda. Oh, no, sorry. Chewie's taken.
SPEAKER_02:Who's Yoda? Darth Vader. I reckon Nicole's Darth Vader.
UNKNOWN:Whoa.
SPEAKER_02:Is that naughty? No, that's good. Because it's just like, oh, God, here he comes to fucking wreck the day. Let us know in the comments. Yeah, cut him off. Cut him off. It's called Real Housewives of Flog the Digger Horse. Give us something. But I think she's trying to weasel her way out. Like they're phasing her out. Because she's like, I've signed the contract, but I can't be bothered.
SPEAKER_00:In
SPEAKER_02:the water. See you later. My two girls are at the sorority. What am I going to do? It's time for an identity crisis and I'm not going to have it on television.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. We wish you
SPEAKER_02:well,
SPEAKER_00:Nicole.
SPEAKER_02:We do. And I love your smoky eye. That looks good with the blowout bulb.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That combo really works for me.
SPEAKER_00:Because when you're a classic like me, you don't need a comeback.
SPEAKER_02:I want to see her in Miss Universe 2003. Where can we get those photos? Release the tapes. Chrissy was a really good friend when she was explaining that in like the first or second season. She was like, Nicole was like the face of Australia. It was changing, you know. We were really embracing our migrants. And I thought, what a good friend. And now what have you done, Nicole? Snip, snip. Not good. Not good. Don't look, darling.
SPEAKER_00:Don't look. Well, don't look, darling.
SPEAKER_02:Those cards are about to topple. You've got to go home and get your husband to review your medication because clearly the testosterone has to come down and everything else needs to come up. It's the greatest hits, honestly. It's the greatest hits. Me and this fabulous doll called Faggy do a Real Housewives show at Mirage Kings Cross. You would love it. When is that on next? You would love it. I will fly up just for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a great night at Mirage Kings Cross. Front row. It's the best little club popping on the cross. It's dying out, but not this establishment. No. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you so much, my love. Thank you. We're off to
SPEAKER_02:Cruise Chemist Warehouse with Janet Roach,
SPEAKER_00:aren't we? We're going to go now and buy stock up on some more raw essentials tea.
SPEAKER_02:Can I ask you what your favourite scene of Real Housewives ever in the world was?
SPEAKER_00:Stop. You can't ask me that. Do you want to
SPEAKER_02:ask me?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, I'll ask you first. Okay. And then maybe I'll think about it. It's when... No, I have to ask... What's your favourite housewives scene forever in the world?
SPEAKER_02:Melbourne, when they went to Mexico. Hotel California. Okay, duh. And then when Jackie and Janet have so much tequila that Janet rolls, falls down and hits her head on the drawer. But my favourite scene is when she's up in bed, all bloodied up, and she's been all stitched up with the four darlings. This has been me so many times in places like Mexico. And then Jackie comes in and they both go start crying and have like a really good moment. And it's just the funniest. She's like, I fucked up, babe. I fucked up, babe. And it was just the most, that's what I want to see. That is my favourite fucking scene
SPEAKER_00:ever. Actually, do you know what I think mine is? One of mine is every scene with Petty Fleur and her sister. Oh, my God. The electric chemistry between those two. Just, so how have you been? Good. Good.
SPEAKER_02:Like, oh
SPEAKER_00:my fucking god.
SPEAKER_02:That's the definition of camp, I think. That is so good. That scene needs to be studied because it is so fucking good. Type into YouTube, everyone, Petty Fleur and Sister.
SPEAKER_00:It's like, so good. And
SPEAKER_02:then when they cut away into the solo interviews, they're like, well, me and my sister have a... challenging relationship we either love each other or hate each other what happened oh i could just tell those two you know just popped off i need to get my son the best so i'm going to yd and buying an eight thousand dollar suit i went i don't think that was eight thousand dollars darling Remember when Petty Fleur tried to make it snow in her apartment for her birthday party?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, do I ever. Was that also the party when she sat in a crescent moon and sang a song?
SPEAKER_02:Mm-hmm. Fuck. Gosh, I have a Filipino auntie. It's the same energy. It's fantastic. She's really, she has lit our family on fire, like, in the most beautiful way. Like, she got us all doing karaoke machine, salsa lessons. Love it. Pageants. Pageants? Yeah, everything. She does Miss Filipino Australia. Fuck off. She won at 68. How good's
SPEAKER_00:that? And you know what she won with her special talent? Samba. I thought you meant in 1968. No, at 68. At
SPEAKER_02:68. And she won. Her special talent was samba. Wow. It was so good. If you don't have a Filipino auntie, you're really missing out. What the fuck are you doing? And she's so camp. Her and my uncle, which is like this big, bald, kind of bikey dude, have divorced twice and married three times to each other. That is camp. wow wow southern highlands eat your heart out
