The Cringe is Real
Australian pop culture is not safe with Sam Cremean. https://linktr.ee/thecringeisrealpod
The Cringe is Real
Drag Race, MAFS & Australian Survivor LIVE (w/ Zelda Moon, Jean Lizza & Ash Flanders)
Live form The Railway Hotel North Fitzroy, Sam hosts a fun night of Reality TV silliness. First up, Jean Lizza and Zelda Moon discuss 'Is Drag Race Dead?', then Ash Flanders rounds out the Married At First Sight Season 12 and Australian Survivor Brains v Brawn II seasons. The divas aslo discuss Celebrity Big Brother UK, The Real Housewives of Bevertly Hills and more..
This podcast was produced on the land of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin
Intro:Nation.
Sam Cremean:Welcome to the very first ever The Cringes Rule Live. Live, live, live. Live, live. We live. I'd also like to welcome to the stage our first guest. It's Jean Litzer. Hello. Hello.
Jean Lizza:Hi.
Sam Cremean:Everyone remember it. 2003. Love it. Oh my God. Live and love. We live. We live and love. Hi. Hi. So before we get started, welcome. I'm your host, Sam Kraman. And pretty much, I would let JK Rowling know that she is a TERF cunt. Somebody lied to her several times. and told her that she was fly and sexy and she's nothing of the sort. Now that I've got that out of the way. Hi, Jean. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Yeah, pretty good. Oh, good. Just hanging out at the pub, doing my favourite thing ever, which is... talking shit about reality TV. Yeah. Loving how it's turned out at this railway. This was an old man pub and now it's a hot people pub. What is happening? I love it. I also love that 90% of this audience are The Cringe's real guests.
Unknown:No!
Sam Cremean:I see you. Who have we got? We've got Jacob Fisher. We've got Shane Nicklaus. We've got Lorelei Camboni. We've got Annabelle Fidler. Oh, my God. Curtis Hatton. Fatima. The rest of you, you know who you are. It's roll call. So, the rest of you, you know what to do. You have to come on the pod at some point.
Zelda Moon:Come.
Sam Cremean:This is an open invite. Yeah, pretty much. Also, I just wanted to check. Did anyone get Gaga tickets? Oh. Yeah. That's really interesting. No one told me that they got them. I haven't seen a single post. No stories? Not one. Nothing? Not one post. I wish you would share the good news if you haven't. I know. If only there was a gay that thought of, I don't know, posting every single number they were in the queue. Did you see that, gay? There was one gay that posted, like, it was... You know when the stories is like so small, the bars are so small. I was like, oh, great, she's 2,000 in the queue and then she was 1,999 in the queue. I was like, honey, if you don't get these, I fucking swear to God. I also love when a big show like this comes out. It brings out the nafties who never go to fucking shows. Who are all like, I didn't know that this was going to be so bloody expensive. Bloody $200 for Lady Gaga. You're like, have you been out of the house recently? The money we will spend. No, I haven't. And it's quite a personal question. I do apologise. On the way here, I was like, chat GPT. My new closest friend. Does the moon get eclipsed? Because I was like, is that a funny joke if I said that I've been constantly eclipsed? Yeah.
Zelda Moon:It would be. And then
Sam Cremean:I was like, wait, because the moon, and indeed it does. So thanks, chat. Thank you, chat. There is... A lot of people are using it for, like, therapy, I understand.
Zelda Moon:Losers!
Sam Cremean:Sorry, talking to myself. Oh, my God. So, my two lovely guests, Jane Litzra and Zelda Moon, are here today to talk to me about Drag Race. And the essay topic is, is Drag Race done? Yeah. Is she done? But before we get into that, I do just need to quickly... talk to someone about jojo siwa in the celebrity big brother house who's who's with me is anyone yep yep what the fuck what are you you're not watching i have not great i don't know what you say strap in so So everybody who listens to this pod knows that Celebrity Big Brother UK is my favourite show of all time. Mainly because these big time American celebs, I mean, lesser these days, go on thinking that it's like American reality TV where, you know, they shoot a few bits and then they're like, bye. No, no, no, no, no. This show, they fucking shoot everything. They will stitch you the fuck up. They do not care. So this year they put in Jojo Siwa. and Mickey Rourke were the like, yeah, right? Were the kind of like draw card US celebs. Was this where Jojo was wearing that like rainbow mohawk wig and her head looked enormous? Did you? When is she not doing that? No, but basically Mickey just out the gates was just kind of like, I'm going to vote the lesbian out. Like unironically. And then also said that he was going to tie her up at one point. He was like, I'm going to tie you up in a good way. And she's just like, sorry? It's crazy because going in, if you'd said to me, would you prefer to have dinner with Jojo Siwa or Mickey Rourke? I would chose Mickey Rourke for sure. But this is not on. Like it's wild. Like it's wild behaviour. Well, one of the other housemates who's since been evicted tweeted that he said worse shit that didn't make the cut. And I was like, what's worse than threatening to tie up a 21-year-old lesbian? Listen, he's a critically acclaimed actor from the 80s who's incredibly unwell. He's been exploited already by Darren Aronofsky, but now, yeah, he should not. No. No. Well, they did remove him from the house, but only after he, like, threatened to, like, physically attack someone. Why am I laughing? Wow. I love this shit so much. So the tie-up isn't like a Shabari moment or something? No. Oh, no. No, no. How unfortunate. Yeah. Poor Mickey, but. a fight to the death. It should be. Maybe it should be a violence fight to the death of homophobia and like, who will win? Jojo, go Jojo. Who I find kind of annoying. I know. In this context, I'm like, you're right. But to tie it back to Drag Race, our topic. One of the other housemates is Drag Race UK winner Danny Beard. Oh. He's also in the house. But weirdly... Oh. Oh, cool. Danny and Jojo, though, not vibing. Like, she nominated him this week and she was like, yeah, you know, Danny's in the house. And, like, I thought, you know, LGBTQ plus fam, right? But, like, I don't really... Like vibe with Danny. Like that was the reason for the knob. And I'm like, wow, this bitch needs like, yeah, this bitch has Mickey to thank for her rise in popularity after the show. Cause she's fucking annoying. Wow. How much drag is Danny doing? Zero. One look on entrance and then even made a point of it on the way in. Like, oh, so I can't, I can't do this gas accent, but she's like, I'm going to do drag this one time. And then basically they're not paying me enough. I don't know. If only there was someone as beautiful as this in the house. I love it because of all the drag queens. I really disliked Danny Beard because I was like, oh, grow up. Shave. No one's tantalised by your queer expression. Just fucking shave. She's fucked and creamed. She's Ozempic. Have you seen her recently? No. She looks good. The UK dominance of a Zen pic. It's just gone through the UK. Yeah, and transphobia. They love that shit over there. They really do. Do you remember when Courtney Act went in the house and accidentally flashed her bits to everyone on the way in? What a fucking genius. What a legend. That's what you do. What a legend. That's what you do on the way in. You go, oh, no. So good. Exactly. So good. I would have preferred Lemon playing Jojo Siwa from Canada's Drag Race in that. That's a deep cut. I know, deep cut. We're talking about Drag Race in reality TV. What season did Lemon do that on? Her first one. Okay. The first one. The first one. Because Canada, I'm like, kind of neither here nor there with TVH. Yeah.
Intro:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:Brooklyn doesn't do it for me. A deathly silence. I want to talk about the death of Drag Race because I feel like there is a collective lull. Do you remember? Can I cast your minds back to when we were like so excited about it? Remember, you know, Karen from Finance was hosting her parties at the Curtain? Yes. They were good. And we would go and watch it together. It was like... Part of the community. Like, actually community. Yeah, it was cute. Yeah. That was around, like, season eight. Like, season nine was that kind of when. Yeah. I feel like in Australia in particular, that's when it kind of flipped over to Stan from Foxtel. And that's when I feel like it just became, like, all encompassing. Like, eight, nine, around ten. When was the peak? Shout it out. Six? Oh, we've got some sixes.
Zelda Moon:Well, yeah.
Sam Cremean:Yeah, it's the Six All-Stars 2 era. Oh, yeah. All-Stars 2 was like... Some seasons after that. I feel like once Aquaria won, it was like, okay. Yeah. True. But like... Well, that's when RuPaul started her journey of getting twinks on that she wants to fuck. RuPaul is... I mean... Sorry? I've heard that Butthole's back next season. So, you know. I loved hearing RuPaul constantly say butthole. That was quite good.
Intro:Lydia butthole
Sam Cremean:Collins. But, yeah, I do think that season 17 is the worst season ever. Hands down. Easily. I, like, have... not enjoyed it at all whatsoever i like lexi love that's great yeah oh i want to do i want to do hero woman lexi love okay like sorry i want i want to end up at like 8 a.m yes at a kick-ons with lexi love where we do unspeakable things yeah but like hopefully Including not speaking to anyone else that was on that season. Yeah. Wow. What a dry ride. It's so bad. Yeah. Uncharismatic character. Like it just, it's not it. Yeah. It was bad. And then to make it worse, I think the moment in this season where I was like, felt like I was held at gunpoint was when they did the Las Vegas gift shop song. Yeah. Everyone know what I'm talking about? It was like, the gift shop. Oh, no, there was a line. She goes, yeah, I'm doing drag, but selling is my passion. That was a line in the song. I'm like, we get it, Ru. You're a capo. We love that for you. But like, do you need to? I don't know. Fuck off. So you hated that episode more than the interpretive dance episode? Oh, girl. Because the interpretive dance episode, I was like, wait, we don't get a reunion, but we do get interpretive dance. Oh, yeah, there was no reunion. Yeah. And there was stinky breath. I see stinky breath was the best part of the season for me.
Unknown:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:But I'm a cunt. You mean the incident or the person? Oh, just the whole thing. That happened. So if you're uninitiated, one of the queens has a horrible, debilitating gingivitis situation. And then another queen on her way out wrote on the mirror in lipstick, hope you get a toothbrush, bitch. And I was like, crown her. That's like, that's what... Doing drag used to be about. Being a bitch. I mean, it was pretty savage. Yeah. I was here for it. And then, I mean, like, faux reunion episode was what last week? Because it was filmed very recently. Like, there was a break in filming. And they did not make that clear because they were like, oh, I haven't seen you in ages. And I was like, what? Yeah. I was like, I think that's really fun to bring them all back. But they didn't talk about that. So strange. Oh, and that exciting guest judge they had,
Intro:Bruno.
Unknown:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:Yeah. Sorry? Keep her away from the microphone. Bruno does not need to speak.
Zelda Moon:No.
Sam Cremean:Also, Bruno needs help. Like, we need some sort of charitable fund to, like, fix Bruno's face. Because it used to be fine and now it's not fine. We need to take it back to where it was. You do like season eight, don't you? Exactly. But how do we fix it, girlies? If it's broken... What do we do? If we're talking US season, let's talk about the fact that it takes four fucking months to find out who wins this. It's so long. It's so long. I think there's a sweet spot. And they don't know, right? They have no idea because they film every possible ending. Last week I was like, who? It's like the who's who of who. I'm like, who the fuck is that? Oh, that's right. That was from three and a half months ago. What? What? So much has changed in that time. So it is weird. I did enjoy Susie Toot getting booted. I have to admit. Sorry. Toot the boot was cute. Toot the boot was cute. Did you see her on Twitter being like, oh, I've given Corey King... A thousand dollars. Did someone say this? Yeah, because it was like, we promised before that last lip thing that whoever didn't win would get a thousand dollars. So here it is, girl. Like posted like a screenshot of her like Venmoing. What? And then Candy Muse comments immediately being like, bitch, contracts. I was like... Exactly. Wow. There's no wealth distribution in World of Wonder, honey. Susie definitely got a somewhat unlikable edit, at least for me. I was just like, you're clearly talented. I hate you. And I haven't had that for a while with a queen, which is kind of cool. Someone in my life came up to me a couple of weeks ago and was like, you must be loving Susie Toon. Oh, my God. Did you slap them in the face? I threw acid on their face. I said, sorry. That is such a fucking insult. I was like, you don't know me. I would rather you tell me I have stinky breath. You don't understand me. Are there any Suzy Tootstans in the house tonight? Oh, thank God. Correct answer. Because I hate they get these girls that are like 21 and then they're like,
Intro:Oh, I'm just an old soul. I
Sam Cremean:like old Hollywood, darling. I like lies. It's like, no. Where does that come from? I don't know. It's twisted. I don't like it. No. But how do we fix Drag Race? Yeah, how do we fix it? I think we need a break. Yeah, break.
Intro:Yeah?
Sam Cremean:Like a genuine break. Because it's like when you have one season a year of a show... you anticipate it for the rest of the year. But when it is back to back, like yes, franchises, like it's great that we get all these different flavors, but from mainline, it's almost consistent across like all stars and everything. It's just oversaturated. Then casting, the cost is too big, completely agree, drags on. And the casting is just not as charismatic as it once was. And diverse. A 32-year-old was a grandma this season? Yeah. Girl.
Zelda Moon:Yeah, I agree. I'm 23. But then
Sam Cremean:Down Under, if, I mean, I don't know how common knowledge this is, but so normally auditions are end of the year, everything's kind of cast by New Year's kind of vibe. Last year, It's no casting announcement, no season announcement. No. And here we are, still nothing. Yes, is she done? So I don't know that season five will ever happen. I think she might be done. But we love that for your sister, Lesi Susana. My sister. Because she gets to reign forever. Forever. She wants that,
Zelda Moon:right?
Sam Cremean:Oh, she'd love that. She's just sitting on her throne forever. Yeah. I mean, as much as I would like them to do another Down Under, yeah, I don't want it unless it's going to be good.
Unknown:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:It was good. It was great. That's the thing. It really was a good season of genuinely diverse. And that's where I wanted two more episodes. I think we talked about that in our episode. It's just like we needed more, you know, because there was just so much talent in that room, including the dominance of Lizzie, you know. So it wasn't just like there was one queen. They were all great. They were. So it's sort of like, as you said, because of this oversaturation, people are so fatigued, drag race fatigue, is so real. People apologise to me. They should start prescribing. I'm so sorry. I'm not up to date. I'm like, it's okay. You have a life. Well, I love that we could give ourselves a break whenever we want, but we just choose not
Zelda Moon:to. Yes, that's
Sam Cremean:right. That's right. I want them to do like some Project Runway style or like top model style twists because those shows have been running for a long time. And, you know, you could argue they've inspired this show. And it's like... Do you know what I love? Like on Top Model where Tyree used to be like, oh, what's that? I'm wearing clogs. Because motherfuckers, we're going to Amsterdam. Yeah. And then like the next episode, they go to Amsterdam. They should do things like that. Yeah. They don't even go out of the set anymore. Like take them overseas. Yeah. Put them. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. The one thing that hasn't yet become oversaturated from the franchise, I will say is Chiara Francini attack. Italian judge. Oh, yeah. She's so amazing. Everyone else, you're living in the dark. No, she's good. Oh, if you think those two fags from Spain are great, she is so much better. Las Javis. I can't stand them. What? They look like they work at Zara. Yes, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. And they'd be at Zara on their phones and you'd be like, oi. Hello. I want to buy this pleather jacket. You might. I would never treat people in custom service like that. Oh, you've got a whole fantasy with those, do you? They're so hot. One of them is hot, but I don't know which one. Do you know what I mean? I see that. I do see that. It's like I want one of them, but I don't know which one. Yeah. Well, anyway, Kiara is incredible. She's great. She's so good. She's like a real... She's a fag hag, but she's like, she will keep it 100 with you. Oh, yeah. She will put a cigarette out on you. Yes. Like if you don't. Yeah. It's like we started with Michelle. Then we got Anna Locking in Hispana, which like at the time I was like, oh, she's incredible. But then Italy came out and I was like, sorry, that's it. How did we feel about Reese Nicholson? Oh, yeah. She's not here, so... She's not here. Say what you want. Oh, no, I love... Yeah, Rhys was good. Yeah, brings a great energy, doesn't overstep. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I did, like, there was one episode where they had Ursula Carlson on as, like, a guest, and she eclipsed Rhys. And I was like, that would have been a good, like... dovetail thing, like how they do Graham and Alan Carr. I was like, get Ursula on every second ep. She lives in Auckland. She's doing nothing. Get her on. And she's good. It's incredibly popular. Just ask Comedy Festival. Incredibly popular. Is she? Yeah. Great. Sells it out, I tell you. Yeah. What did you think? You covered Drag Race Down Under Season 4 on your podcast. You read it well. And you got to speak to some of the dolls and divas. Sure. What do you reckon? Like, do you want another season of it? Because there was rumours there's going to be, like, an All-Stars one. There was so many rumours. These girls, they just started talking. And then, like, everyone said stuff about Max this season that was so wrong. Like, she's out first week, you know. And I was like, how could Max... I feel like she started those. She's like, everyone, it's really unfair.
Intro:So she could be like, look... I rise like a phoenix.
Sam Cremean:Yeah, look, I... I would like to see another season, but there's always this idealism where you're like, well, I hope it's good. Like, I think the show was really good there last year. I think it got buried a little bit by the timeframe that it came out. It was way too late. That last episode was like two days before Christmas. It was like Christmas. What the fuck? Yeah, it was wild. And so it wasn't, you know, given the spotlight that it needed. And there was actually just some really good. So if they could cast in the same way again and do it in that same way, because I think Michelle bought a lot of beautiful energy and, like, you know, she was really beautiful. I think she understands that this is a small country. She was mumsy. She got really mumsy with them. And this is a small scene and I think she really cared and if we could have that same level of care again, it's worth doing. I mean, you know, I wish there was a bigger viewership for it but, I mean, people who loved it really loved Drag Race Down Under and I heard from them.
Unknown:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:I loved it.
Intro:Of course you did. But the
Sam Cremean:pressure of season five is really immense. Oh, yeah. Because it's like, do you go on and go out first and destroy the family name? Or do I go on and then also win? Which is really hard. I want you on. And I want this to be your entrance look. Dreams come, come to dreams. Maybe. So... From the four finalists, who the fuck's winning season 17 tomorrow? I think it... I don't know what story they're going to tell, but I think it would probably be a great travesty if On Your Nerve didn't take it out. Oh, really? Because On Your Nerve is actually likeable in that way. And I think she's got that whole auntie thing that she does that Rue loves. They're polished queens. Sam Starr's great. Lexi's great. Sam Starr is just like, I don't know, like a comedy character from a Christopher Guest film. I'm just so sad that they didn't bring Charles Barker. on as a guest. She's like, Charles Barkley is my godfather. What? Bring him on. Yeah, totally. If Sam Star wins, I'm actually going to Art Alive. I don't think that's going to happen. I also think Anya will win. Really? I'm fully in a Jules situation in my mind. No, but not for me. Like, just for, like, the... I don't know. That's just my vibe. Caveat is I've watched this whole season, like, full scroll show. Like, I'm watching it with, like, one eye. And the other eye is, like, doing other shit. So, I don't know. You tell me.
Zelda Moon:Yeah, I
Sam Cremean:think... I don't know. I just think Anya has had... the right journey. But across that journey, I've come to really dislike what I saw. So I don't want her to win. I just think that stuff with- Dislike what you saw or dislike what you smelled? Whoa. No, I think that the incident with the tarp was really, like, gross. That was some Project Runway shit. Yes. Like, because they were outside of the studio. Yes. Spray painting shit. Spray painting. I loved that. Lexi's losing her methed out mind. Remember when they... Like, calm that woman down. You know the truth. Tell her. Remember when they used to take them to, like, Santa Monica Boulevard to, like, talk to strangers? Yes. Bring that back. Yes. Even, like, the zombies in the trash, like, alley. That was so good. That's fun. I don't want fucking squid games. What the fuck? Oh, yeah. But I would love Lexi to win. Like, of the four, she's my, like, I would love. I just don't know if that will happen. But, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, see, I'm feeling Jules, but I don't know. I think it's just because I like her the most in the confessionals because she's like... And, yeah, I don't know. We haven't had, like, a dumb bitch like that win before. So, I'm into that. Anyone, any other Jules people? No? Oh, fuck that. Oh, this is an icy silence right there. I love Lexi as well. She's just all out. She's all nail. She's just all everything. She's just the realest probably queen that, you know, she's in confessional. You're just like, we're just getting it all. And I'm just like, I'm here for it. But I want to see her in an all stars as well. I think it would be cool to see Lexi in all stars. Well, there's about 400 people cast on the next all stars. So her odds are looking. Which is starting in 10 minutes or something. Yeah. Yeah. So what is, So it's like a tournament or something. They're doing like quantity this time. Oh, God. Is it going to be... It's not going to be 16 episodes, is it? I don't know if I can handle it. I reckon there'll be like 26 episodes. 26 episodes. Each for every ladder of the album. That's the other thing. Too many. Too many. Cut it. Cut it. Yeah. Great. So who's taken the minutes from that? We're going to send that straight to RuPaul. Ru or Action... bad clothes of business. Any other comments before you sashay away?
Zelda Moon:Any other comments? No, I'm only thinking of nasty things to say about
Sam Cremean:2017. Please, that's why we're here. I've already said so many of them. No, I think... The other thing I will say, I was super, super excited for Global All-Stars and that was a fucking train wreck. It was so bad. It was so hopeful. I know, Gene and I covered that together as like a little pod crossover and I was so excited about doing that. And through the process of doing that, I got so much like hate from people. No, because people were really like, insane about that season mainly the millennia people and i thought i was having a great time bitching about millennia and the next thing you know my dams are flooded with like crazy italians oh sorry oh was that you um no but actually the one thing i will say that is positive is so has everyone seen germany And the winner of that was Pandora Knox. Yes, loved her. She's fucking amazing. She started to do more and more things like globally and she's like an incredible performer. So put that on your radar. What about, how do we feel about Celestian Royale? It's actually so funny. It's actually great. How could they name a show that? I know. It's so good. No, I'm super into that. No, that'll be good. That's great. We'll watch that together. Yeah. Because no one else will be watching it. All of the Philippines. Actually, that's the thing. I also had crazy Filipino people in my DMs, which, yeah, it was so good. But also I was like,
Intro:okay. I'm not serious, you guys. Chill out. Love
Sam Cremean:it. Jane, final thoughts? Drag Race will always live forever and ever. And ever. RuPaul is actually not alive right now. She is a hologram. She died many years ago. And this will go on forever and her head will end up in a jar like Futurama. And we will always talk about Drag Race forever and ever and ever. And next year I would like to see Zelda on Drag Race. And is there anything you'd like to say to little baby five-year-old Jean?
Zelda Moon:Don't worry, Jean. It does
Intro:get better. It gets better. It gets better. One day you're going to be on a live podcast at a pub in Knopfitz,
Sam Cremean:Frey.
Zelda Moon:Just remember.
Sam Cremean:Everyone, thank my first guests, Jean and Zelda. Oh, stunning. Stunning. And keep that applause going for my next guest, Ash Flanders. All right, energy.
Intro:All right, energy. Energy, energy, energy. Keep that energy there.
Sam Cremean:Keeping it up. Living it up. I don't love Jojo Siwa. Mickey Rourke was totally in the right. I do not give a fuck. I don't care. Who knows it? She's not a lesbian. She's a liar. I would also tie her up and I'd throw her off the Thames. I don't care. Jojo Siwa, not on my watch. Not on my watch! I asked you if you wanted to talk about this and you're like, oh no, I can't publish it. I couldn't. It would be really unpopular to talk like that. Yeah, she's not a real lesbian. That's right. Anyone wondering, Ash Flanders hates women. I do not. I love women. I want them to be with beautiful lesbians that are actual lesbians. Do you think she's a sesbian? I think she's a thespian like me. She's a they-them-sbian. She is. She's getting very cuddly with Love Island UK's Chris Hughes. She is so desperate for camera time. She came in like an American capitalist pig she did and she is taking over that show she's gonna win she was trying to run mickey rock and he was like i ain't taking none of your shit yeah and i will tie you up and i was team mickey i was like she can't run you when you wake up fuck her dance 10 looks none yeah fuck jojo siwa the bit karma's a bitch yeah and so am i When she did the dance, so they did like a talent show. They do this every time. They're like, we've paid for these celebrities. We're going to make them do it, like dance like monkeys. And then literally with Jojo, they were like, do a dance performance. And she was just like... When she's dancing, I can see the lesbian. Let's just say that. No, totally. Yeah. But I think she's playing it up with Chris because she knows that people are going to watch that and they're going to cut it into the show. But they're doing like weird spooning. So you can see two weird sexless dolls bump non-genitals together. Yeah. No thanks. I don't know. I could just stay home and do that. Yeah. She also has a kangaroo tattooed on her arm. I don't even know what to say to that. Except I'm embarrassed to be an Australian. Because she's like, my partner is non-binary. She has that Miley Cyrus child activist voice. And they're Australian. And I'm like, okay, great. We'd love this for you. Is she with Ruby Rose? Yes. How thrilling. Or did one of the Veronicas make good? Like, what happened? Is Havana Brown having a good time? What's going on? No, it's one of G Flip's friends. Literally, did anyone go to the Tramp tour last year? No? Okay. I mean, I knew it didn't sell well, but fuck. But no, apparently she met someone through G at that. Called G? No, G is G Flip. Get with it. We're all on G, Sam. Yeah. No, and at that, they like... Hit it off and now they're a thing. How do you hit it off with Jojo Siwa? Five, six, seven, eight. No thanks. You just put a camera at her and go, well done, honey. Keep going. You know how mum makes her costumes? Of course. And she's like 30 or whatever. She's from Dance Mums. Yeah, well. You don't leave that. Like Dance Mums is forever. You don't leave Dance Mums. It's like next year. Unless you're Abby Lee Miller and you go to jail. Yeah, she's like branded. Yeah, beautiful. Hold her down. Alison Mack, brand her. No one watched NXIVM, The Vow? We don't condone. Wow, it was amazing. We don't condone violence against women. It was about my people actors being lost and being taken advantage of. Scientology. Oh, my God. Very hot. Can we also talk about... The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay, great. Do you believe in wealth? Do you support wealthy women? I do. I'm raising money for the rich. Because after this, we're going to do just like a cast photo. Yes, I can't. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. That's me being Garcelle. So you'll be there? Yeah. What the fuck? Because I, yeah, I've gone on a roller coaster with how I feel about Garcelle. Because she was giving nothing. You could tell she didn't really want to be Yeah. But then, like, after that, I'm kind of, like, full team Garcelle now. I don't know. I'm just kind of, like... You dumb faggot. Like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? No. Like, she gave us nothing and then she left and now I want her back. Like, fuck off. No, do you know why? Because I am that bitch. Like, I'm the sort of... They were filming for nine hours that day and I... I wish I had their problems. I wish. If someone said that to me, like, hey, now we're going to do another thing after the nine-hour shoot, I'd be like, fuck that, I'm out of here. I'd be like, I'm there, I'm ready, let's go. Talk to my agent. I'll do it for less. Yeah. But back to lesbians. Did we ever leave? Kyle Richards. Yes, but she had the worst coming out in history. Was that a coming out? She had a coming out that felt homophobic because she refused to say the word gay, lesbian, woman, love, attraction. She was just like, I am interested in exploring who I could be or who I could possibly be. And there are times when I like, it was, it just kept going. And anytime someone tried to limit to like a gender, she couldn't even do it. It was concerning. I came out via email and mine was better. Yeah. Did you actually? Yeah. Have you got it here printed out? No, I don't. Sadly. Andy Cohen was activated. Like, he was ready to take it there. Like, he was like, oh, yeah. He kept saying lesbian. And he also kept referring to himself. He was like, yeah, I remember when I came out. And Kyle was just like... I don't know. Shut this down. And Kathy's like, I told Paris that I might be a lesbian. She also might be Chinese. While she was chewing gum. Yeah, she's Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's Chinese and Italian. It's beautiful. Because the lady told her, the lady, you know, the lady. The Richard sisters are nothing if not attention-seeking. Whatever their mother did to them, we are all reaping the benefits. Yeah. When she just started laughing uncontrollably, I was like... Kathy, yes, when Kyle was like, it's been really hard, Kathy's like... That's getting studied, like, in, like, I don't know, in, like, a police questioning course. Like, when they laugh uncontrollably, they're hiding some dark shit. Yeah, and they were laughing about the idea that Kyle was a lesbian. And I wonder how Jojo's CEO would feel about that because yeah there are some things worse than having mickey rourke going i'll try you up like mickey didn't know where he was mickey needed an advocate the whole time someone like legally oh i'm sorry we're being ableist yeah you're being really ableist it is it's horrible oh my god in front of my jk rowling yeah i'm not team her just so just that's clear i haven't even read her books can't read yeah
Unknown:Ha ha ha ha.
Sam Cremean:Also, is Sutton okay? No! No, she's a Sutton lunatic. Like, she's an ex-ballerina that married a wealthy man that divorced her, and it turns out that's not a recipe for happiness. Like, she has been involved in several miserable institutions, beginning with ballet, which punishes your body and teaches you to not menstruate, and then she went on to, like, marry a man that told her, like, we're going to be doing it my way, and then once she decided what she wanted to do, he let her go, and then she has nothing but she has a big wallet and an empty house so yeah it's the Chirac fantasy yeah I want Reba on the show McIntyre no Sutton's mum oh yeah whose name is Reba yes weirdly the old southern woman did not get along with the only black cast mate isn't that weird let's not look at that for too long yeah It was very weird. It was fabulous television. Rebar. Yeah, she was a lot. I mean, when Sutton... Okay, if you don't know, I'm going to pretend like there's an audience here because there isn't.
Unknown:And...
Sam Cremean:Sutton is this wealthy lunatic who's from the South, and she went to the whole storyline where she was going to see her mother, who I feel like she doesn't love me enough, and she doesn't say she's proud of me. And it's like, what has Sutton done to be proud of? Honestly, you were never a famous ballerina, and he divorced you, so lose-lose. You didn't even catch the spare, to use a bowling term. Just for the lesbians. She went back there to see if her mother was proud of her, and her mother... that is not that proud of her. Which is uncomfortable for all of us. But it got really dark as Sutton's dad committed suicide in front of Sutton's mum. Not on the show. It wasn't Sweep Sweep. He'd done it decades earlier. Sutton was always really hard on her mum, even though her mum had to witness that. Sutton had no empathy. And she still lives in the house? Yes. No. Sutton's mum lives in the servants' quarters of Sutton's house. And she's like, my mum isn't nice to me. No shit! She's not nice to you. Anyway, some strong feelings about Miss Sutton. It's good to have opinions. You know what I mean? You're on a podcast. You've got to make sparks. You've got to act up. How do you feel about all these new shows? Obviously, Bravo is kicking into some succession planning. Bravo, bravo, bravo. Because these women are Aging. Don't tell them I said that. They've gone from peri to many. Yeah. We are deep in the pari. Is it pari menopause? Is that what happens after? I don't know. Peri, then menopause. What's after? Venti? Grande? Yeah. Have you seen the trailer for Gen Z NYC? I have. I don't feel good about these wealthy kids pretending they have interest in making a living. Even Brooks Marx? He's the worst. He's the best. Sometimes if I question whether I'm homophobic because I worry I'm losing it, I will look at Brooks Marx and be like, no, I hate fags. Yeah. Oh. Absolutely. When I see Brooks Marks, I'm like, yeah. He puts his own name on like a sweatshirt and they're all like, how do you do it, Brooks? How do you do it? He's like, mommy. And you know, Brooks is uncomfortable saying how he identifies and who he's with. Yeah, the Bell's palsy in that family. Can we just try and work out whatever's in the water supply at the Marks house? Because they are zany to the hilt. Bitch, whatever the fuck that is. like that cocktail. They're still worried about Y2K. They are so behind. They are so late. Yeah. They're with Mickey Rourke up in the fucking subway. I love Mickey Rourke. He's a fantastic guy. Oh my God. Whatever you talk about. Oh, that's right. Maps. Maps. So Married at First Sight Australia. Hang on. Because I believe in marriage. Dinner is served. Dinner is served. And that's all the diversity you're going to see on that show. Yeah. Is a weird Latin X man saying dinner is served. Previously on The Experiment. So if you didn't watch this season, firstly, get over yourself. You're not above it. And secondly, go back and fucking watch it all from the start to finish now. Like, it's actually canon. It needs to win an Emmy. It was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. Like, this bitch was like, how are you not watching this? And I'm like... You've got to keep up with the straights. They're not okay. They're not okay. You've got to keep up. And, like, meet Australia. If you want to meet Australia, I don't know why you'd want to, but you can meet Australia through Married at First Sight Australia. And the world loves it. Saoirse Ronan on Graham Norton. The fact that the world loves it terrifies me. I do not want them watching it. Like, you know when you're on a plane coming back in from overseas and they play that video about like, don't be sorry. Declare. It's like that. You're watching it and you're like, no. I'm
Intro:not, we're not all like this.
Sam Cremean:I swear. It's like that bad. But I mean, if it's between that or like Ruby Rose or like Russell Crowe, like there are so many Australians I do not want to be associated with, but the cast of Married at First Sight Australia, I'm like, yeah, those are my people. That's where we live. We need to give a special shout out to Lauren from the show with her Stepford wife, who gave birth to the best term ever. and the Oxford Dictionary word of 2025, boganic. Yeah, she was right. A lot of them were acting very boganic, which is a lot coming from someone wearing a bumper in 2025. Being like a bad Stepford wife. She was so bad. No, I can't relate with these people. They're boganic. Lauren's sister was better because Lauren's sister at Lauren's own wedding in the show said, this is an abortion. This wedding has been an abortion. I am the sister of the... Bride. Love that. She wanted like a pescatarian meal. I think she wanted a spin-off. I think she thought they were handing out TV shows. I think she's going to get it. She was amazing. I need to speak to the president of television. Yeah. So the last time we checked in, it was like the boys and girls retreat, which was... So binary, right? So binary. Yeah, because there are just the two genders. And we do... And one agenda, which is to get on OnlyFans. That is the ultimate. Well, I'm still waiting. No one from this season's cast has... done so yet oh wow I've been checking you fucking better believe maybe Adrian just doesn't know how to spell his username properly like you can't find it Adrian's like oh I was watching him before I was coming here and he's like you didn't take any accountability and I was like I've never heard the word accountability said with like no plosives or like no accountability I was like whoa anyway his wife later said that I don't need to read you because the subtitles already read you because they had to say subtitled him speaking English, which felt ableist and also right. No, it felt correct. Otherwise, I'd be like, what is this man saying? He was very, very confusing. These two were thirsty, thirsty. So, this is Adrian and Athena. They were both paired together as twins. So, like, they both have identical twins, which was like gag, but also... So, at their wedding, they're like... Well, twins are weird. And putting twins with other twins is weird. Totally. And they're always weird. Into it. into it they always get asked weird questions yeah and they were playing into that which I love but these two were both thirsty as fuck because at no point the only thing thirsty was Athena's hair which was bleached and could not there was no conditioning treatment deep enough for Athena's hair yeah that thing and poor thing she knew it as well but it was like yeah you can take the girl out of WA but that hair was on that hair was not on this time zone yeah
Intro:but would you move to Perth? but would you move to Sydney?
Sam Cremean:That was their whole relationship. The will they, won't they, Ross and Rachel of it all. Also, she had a kid and day one he was like, I don't want to fucking roast someone else's kid. Yeah. I said I would never love your kid like it was my own. And she was like, I'm going to give this a few more weeks. She's like, I've written stay because who knows? I believe in love. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And both of them each week decided to stay with each other every week. And I was like, Here we go. This is some screen time shit. Like, they know the assignment. They know they're getting more fucking airtime each week. But what are they getting? I don't know. But Adrian spat the dummy when he didn't get invited to the promo shoot. Yeah, that was very hard for him. Which you could tell the Channel 9 producers were pissed off about because they can't build a storyline around the show. So they kept being... What's her name, the narrator? Oh, Helen Dallimore. Helen Dallimore. Who is incredible. After being shook At the airport. Yeah. After we shoot at the airport, she goes... Athena is struggling to understand Adrian's tantrum about the photo shoot. Yeah. After not being invited to a Channel 9 promo shoot, and you're just like... She's doing all the heavy lifting. I'm just trying to picture backstage, like, is there someone there? And they're like, oh, so who do we want for the promo shoot? Oh, we've got to get Morena. Oh, Morena. Yeah, let's get a seven foot angry menopausal woman in there. That'll bring the viewers in. Yeah. But how did he see fit about the promo shoot? There was some fucked shit going on. They had like an altercation between the twins. There was like a twin off at one point. Twin off! Which was great. That was fantastic. That episode alone was amazing. Yeah, there was almost one personality between all of them. Yeah. It was thrilling. I think someone in there, like they'd each read like a quarter of a book. We maybe had a whole book in there. Yeah. And then what was going on with Sierra? So Sierra was... She came in hot. She came in so hot at this reunion. So like her whole thing was her groom was... was gay, let's be honest. Gay or British? The age-old question. A little bit of both. He had a very strong British accent for someone that, like, grew up in Perth, but whatever. Yeah, Billy. Yeah, what the fuck was his name? Billy. Very gay. He had to touch her ass, and he was so... He kept, like, slapping it as a joke. They would, like, massage her, and he was like... Even I was like, I would... I'd get in there. We all played like Lara Croft. We can pretend. He was giving like englishlads.com. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Very. Very scally energy. Yeah. So Sierra decides, she's like, no, no, no. She's coming in hot. She's like, I didn't get enough screen time. At the end, she walks in in this like disgusting mesh dress, which I was like, fucking hell. It was amazing. She came in like a revenge dress. Exactly. And in the car on the way there, she says the iconic line, I can't wait to get to this reunion and tell everyone to get fucked. It's me at Christmas. Yeah. It's just me off to family Christmas. It's, I get that. I totally, and I was so ready for her to be like a bitchy villain and then she just couldn't deliver. It was such a disappointment. So they're like just about to get into it and she's like, they like serve the food, which they actually eat at these dinner parties, which I'm like, okay. And then she's like, I'm leaving. I'm out of here. She does a martini at the margarita bar. And she just like gets up and fucking walks out. And literally no one, no one cared. Everyone was just like, oh great, Sierra's gone. And she was like, I'm going to say whatever I want. I don't give a shit. I'm going to tell everyone. He messaged me and everyone went, we don't care. And she's like, I'm going. It was so sad. It was so, so sad. And it was also one, shot the producers got of her because she was a gorgeous girl they got one shot of her she looked like a dog and they really like rammed that home and to get a bad shot of her you had to be like yeah really on her but also they showed it there's some lighting or something some dark hd is no one's friend but it's like weird channel 9 hd where like all of the makeup is like fuck If you're Lavinia Nixon, it's fine. But if anyone else, they are not giving you the Lavinia filter. Poor Jamie. You look like the surface of Mars. You are like one small step for a dermatologist. It is a huge... They all need help. That is like get your ass to Mars from Total Recall. But the bombshell that she drops at the reunion is that Athena, the wife of Adrian... said in confidence to her at one point that she thinks that Adrian is an idiot true and I was like hot take girl wow and that his businesses will never be successful because he doesn't even know how to speak laughing Yeah. And so that's when we realized Athena had perception, which we never knew she had before then. I was like, where was this like the whole rest of the time? That's the annoying thing about the show, though. It's that they all have to keep lying and pretending that they're in love. They actually loathe each other. Oh, yeah. Like a real marriage. Exactly. No, it's... Literally, it's been my education as to how heterosexual society operates, and I'm thankful for it. Well, ever since I learnt that straight women have to rim straight men, I have not been okay. And that happened on Ex on the Beach, where a guy was like, he'd hooked up with someone in the villa, and then another girl would come in, and he was talking to his friend, and he's like, oh, mate, I can't leave her. And he's like, come on, mate, your ex is in, maybe you want to do that? And he goes, no, mate, she eats my ass. And the guy went, oh, yeah, mate, you've got to stay there. And I thought, now Her whole family knows she's a big, filthy Rimmer. International Rimmer. Lisa Rimmer. That's your drag name, yes. Yeah. Welcome to the stage, Lisa Rimmer. Anyone got a mint? We need to talk about your boyfriend, Paul and Karina. So, Paul, I am so ashamed. So, Paul came here from France and decided of all the accents he would choose, he'd choose the most boganic accent of all. He was boganic. Yeah. So, unfortunately for Paul, he got a little bit punchy throughout the season. Punched a hole in a wall, allegedly. Those French, you can't make them go to war, but they'll punch a wall. Yeah. That's my political section of the show. I hope you've all enjoyed that. Did not stop you, Ash, from thirsting over him all season. I loved him. He was hot. Can we just... He had a ridiculous hairline that was made in Turkey. There was plugs. The plugs were plugging. One was like permanently stuck down. One was trying to find its way back to the part of the body it came from. But the rest of it looked good. And he was so sweet and so dumb. I mean, he actually wasn't sweet. He was a violent lunatic. But he's hot. But the heart wants what it wants. He's like a thick boy. He's got like French rugby boy energy and you just want to tie him up. Yeah. To quote Mickey Rourke. Yeah. But he did the... They dangled a carrot in front of him. They did this dumb fucked thing at the last minute of the show where they were like, it's the final vows, but let's see who will cheat on the night of the wedding. And it's like, okay, channel nine. And of course he took the bait. So he went on the date and met this girl. I was just curious. I was curious. And I got there and I thought it was so stupid. Why was I here? Why did I do that? It was so stupid. And so he's... When Karina confronts him and she is like... And she sounds like she's got about one working brain cell, Karina. She is like, it really hurt me when you said that you weren't going to not go on the date. Yikes. Yikes. What happens in Perth? I don't know. But yikes. Let's bring both eyes to the camera. Yeah. But he gets back from it. He's like, by literally... It was disgusting. I saw her. She was... She was disgusting. She looked like a Barbie doll. Literally. Literally. And it was like the most amazing thing I've ever seen on television. He was so angry about that nice blonde woman that they found on the streets. I'm guessing he just brought her in. She was like, so how's it all going with your wife? And he's like, actually really good. It was very like, just what I imagine, like Sydney, like Roxy, Jack and Wanko, Jackie O, like that kind of girl, like a blonde vacuous PR girl with a drug habit, like trying to find a safe place to land. Yeah. And then when he said, everything's fine, she's like, well then... Then why are you here? Exactly. Then why are you here? Why are you here? Yeah. He was like, literally, I'm just curious. I was just curious. Like I needed to know like what you might look like or what you might be like. And yes, you seem to be a woman with blonde hair. I know. Yeah. And then she got to destroy him in the final vows by being like,
Intro:you ruined it. You ruined it. You took my heart and you ruined it.
Sam Cremean:Oh my God. Which was amazing. I know. Also, who was the rapper she fucked? Who wasn't? the rapper she found. So the reason he punched a hole in the wall was because they were in an Uber. Does someone know? It's Drake. I hope it's an Aussie rapper. I hope it's that guy who rapped in an earlier season of Maths. Do you remember there was that white rapper? It's Chris Lilley in Blackface. Yes! Yes! Diversity. No, but literally they're in the Uber and she's like, a song came on. So, you know, it must have been like a top 40 song. And she was like, oh, I fucked this guy. And he was like, what? Meanwhile, they go and stay with her family and she's like, I'm from a good Catholic family and you have to sleep in the other room and prayer's really, prayer? You fuck rappers. How good was when the mum, the mum was like, so Paul, are you religious? And he's like, no. And then she's like, is that something that you think that you could maybe think about potentially becoming is religious? And he's like, oh yeah, I could maybe think about that. In the future. And she's like, great, done. She's like, I'm sold. Yeah, that mum just wanted to marry her daughter off. That was so sad. It was like, wow, the slave trade is alive and well. You will just sell her off as soon as possible. At 29, she is well past the time you're happy to have her in the house. Like, it was very sad and very relevant to Australia. It was. I think it's an important story. Should we talk about Jamie and Dave or nah? I'm kind of done with that. Well, I'm wearing Dave's shirt. Oh, you are? So we have to, okay. Dave wore this shirt. Mine's a small. Dave's is like an XXL. Yeah, Dave was lovely. They were pitching them to us at the start of the season. It was like, these are the couples. This is a Melbourne couple, by the way. So that'll interest you. He's like a hot, tatted tradie, like huge. Where are you going to find them? He's from like Hot Tradies, the Insta. And then like... she's just this kind of small Greek woman. An Altona girl with a dream. Yeah. Like absolutely. She hopped on, she got into zone one and she had a plan. Yeah. She bleached the hair, she lasered the face and she went, they will never know where I'm from. Yeah. But they didn't get the like, it didn't, They didn't get that fairytale ending. Can you believe it? They didn't find love in a hopeless place. It's so crazy. I was rooting for them. All of Altona was rooting for them. I know. Everyone at the KFC was, yeah, loving it. They were loving it. I felt bad for them because they seemed nice enough, but he was never that into her. Exactly. And is that the vibe or was she actually crazy? I don't know. Wow. You gaslighting? Wow. Yeah. Wow. I was really sad this wasn't a season where everyone said gaslighting as much. Norm Normally they just say gaslighting non-stop. No, we've moved on. There was a lot of ghosted. And a bit of weaponising. And a bit of, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, ghosted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and also the men, like men now knowing all the therapy talk. Yeah. So men saying like, that doesn't align with my values. Yeah. Because I said I wanted a girl who was in her 20s and blonde and weighed about $2. That actually happened. That really like, that offends my morals and my values. He was like, how dare these producers couple me with this... fugly bitch. Yes. And at the very end, Paul was like, you know, Karina, you've done a lot of things to me too. And I was very hurt by like the age old, like I didn't hurt you because you hurt me. How dumb do you, well, actually Karina, she almost fell for it, but she didn't. Thank God. She had some good. fags around her, I think, that said, while we're doing your hair, let's teach you what men are like. Yeah. Alright, and I've saved the best to last. It's Jackie and Ryan. So if you didn't watch the show, Jackie clearly has a deep mental illness, allegedly. I'm not a doctor, but I would say her rapid mood swings would suggest something's going on. See, I think she's a genius. And that's where we differ. Yeah. And that's why we will never fight over the same woman. I think Jackie Jackie needs to be given, like, the keys to, like... Meds. She needs to be given meds. Or ECT. Yeah. Jackie is so good. So, Jackie and Ryan got paired together and his whole thing was that... I collect swords and I live in Tasmania and I have a plan and I will execute it. To the guys, he was like, yeah, look, she's got crazy eyes but she gives good head. And I'm an alpha, and men need to be leaders. And I'm like, you couldn't lead nothing, mate. You couldn't do March of the Penguins. Yeah. No one's following you to Tasmania. No offence. No, he lives in Western Sydney. Oh, that's right. She's like, I need to be in the east. I'm kind of like a beach babe. I don't know if you've gathered this from my Miss New Zealand personality, but I need to be on the east. And he was like, oh, okay. but come to my house in Sydney and see my samurai sword collection. Yeah. That episode was fucked. And then she starts crying. Because it made her feel like, it reminded her of elderly people and how lonely they can be. It was so twisted. In her defence, that house was fucked. Yeah, but... I think water finds its level. And I think that was the right level for Jackie. I love this. I think let's tune back in in 10 years and she might be dreaming of a place like that. They were perfect for each other. She did get him back in the final vows with her iconic line, I'm not a rehabilitation centre.
Unknown:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:No, you're not. You're also not a human being or a person in control of their faculties. Like, again, where's Mickey Rourke's advocate for Jackie? Like, Jackie needed help. She needed the cat team. And I think they would have really helped her out. Jackie was a strange unit. At one point she said to him, why don't you want to be great?
Intro:Yeah.
Sam Cremean:And what a kind thing
Intro:to say to a partner. He doesn't have good financial skills.
Sam Cremean:And then she would cry and say she loved him. And then she went on the date that was... And she went on the date and she gave the guy her phone number. And then, of course... Oh, it was amazing. He's like... What did she say? Oh, look, I gave him my phone number, but Ryan didn't ask. So that's fine. Yeah, because no one wants you, Jackie. Exactly. Go back to New Zealand, doll. The long white cloud is calling, doll. And now she's with Clint. She ended up with the golfer from Tassie. Yeah, she's ended up with the perfect guy for her. He lives in a weird James Bond villain mansion in the middle of nowhere in Launceston. And if you want to be a big deal in Launceston, I imagine any of us could do that right now. But she wants to do that and be a big shot in a small pond. That'll be great for her. You want to fuck a guy with a golf simulator in the house? Enjoy that. I think none of us want that. You should get his prostate checked regularly. Anyone who plays... golf that much, something's coming for the prostate. That's just what happens. They have a golf ball down there and a golf ball in there that they need to be looking at. We need eyes on them. They need a show. We need to check in with them because I feel like it's all over. It is, yeah. They are both mentally ill. And engaged. And engaged. I'm glad some people had to fight a lot to get the right to marry and those people can just do it as they like. And I think that's wonderful and that's progress. I loved how much Jamie loved Jackie. Like Jamie was like some Gogglebox shit. Like she was on the show, but she was like watching Jackie. Like she was watching the show. She was the viewer. And she was like, Jackie's a work of art. She's like, just take her in. Pretend you're in like the 16th chapel or some shit and just like take her in. The 16th chapel. Yeah. So good. This is the future. These are the people that are going to be able to vote and control who runs the country.
Unknown:Right.
Sam Cremean:All right, let's get the fuck out of maths. And if maths is aggressively heterosexual, then Australian Survivor is aggressively bisexual. Yes. Do we not think? How bisexual is Australian Survivor? Very. I mean, deeply. I mean, because I want to erase it. I'm kidding. I love Survivor. No, I do. I watched it. I watched all of it. Thank fuck, because we're about to talk about it in great detail. So this week's finale episode's incredible. What did you think? We had our winner, the Jungle Rat, Miles. The Jungle Rat. So a man named Miles won. If you didn't watch it, he's an Asian man who's bisexual. He did pole dancing on the show. They erected a pole at camp and he did that. The whole final challenge was literally just poles that they just erected for him. to swing around. It was amazing. It's true. And yet he didn't do that well on that. No, he did really badly. He's a really lazy stripper. Yeah. It was interesting. I mean, I find Survivor Australia does feel very queer-baity in a way. Because I watch the American one all the time. It doesn't feel quite as gay. Oh, fuck no. Because Jeff Probst is like really, I don't know, trotty or something. I know, we really disagree on this. See, I look up Jeff Probst nude once a year. Yeah. Because there is that picture out there where there needs to be the JLP picture. I would put that torch out. No. You don't want to fuck JLP? No, because the La Pallias, I ain't fucking with that. And I know we're... No. And I know we're... Yeah, I know, I know. We're kind of in Italian territory, so total respect. But, like, no. No, I don't want to fuck with the La Pallias. No, no. It's a little... I'll take it. It's a little Colossimo-y to me. Like, it's a little... Yeah. It's all from the same vibe of Aussie actor of a certain time. Do you know what I mean? Gia Carides, you know? Yeah. Anyone who's in Lantana. Anyone who's in Lantana. The Lantana of it all is quite intense to me. Yeah. Oh, my God. So, in this second last episode, we start with Zara, who... Come on. Like, Zara was so intense the whole time. Zara kind of gave, like, is it head bridesmaid? Is it, like, the maid of honour? Yeah. Like, she was very alpha. Well, she was the vice president of the PTA, so she wasn't quite alpha, but she was almost there. Oh, God. Veep. But I love, like... Exactly. They rock up after tribal and... Zara's like, you're all so welcome that I've saved you all. She also had one of those voices that I kind of can't stand, where it's kind of like that, you're all really welcome that I, like it's that wee kind of voice. Does my head in. My Aunty Glenys has it too, it's fine, I can say it. LAUGHTER I don't think she's listening.
Unknown:LAUGHTER
Sam Cremean:And unfortunately, after they took out DJ Kate with her iconic slut trap, we had no more brawns left in the game and it was all brains. Yeah, for once, the brains won in this country. Yeah. How do you feel about the division, like the casting and the division of these like vibes? Well, I mean, because that, what's his name? Kalen is clearly a brawn, but he's meant to be a brain. Baby, baby boy. He didn't seem that smart. I mean, isn't he like flying drones into Antarctica?
Unknown:Yeah.
Ash Flanders:Aren't we all? What do you mean? What are you talking about? Why does that have to do with drones? I think he's low-key smart. That's his whole thing. I think he's both. He can be both. Okay, great. But you're right. I'm a bit more binary. You know, JK. Yeah. No, they were all... Look, I think Australian Survivor is interesting because we don't make characters like America makes characters. Although Miles was a really good character. Miles was a really trippy unit. He was great. And I liked how cocky AJ was in being like... patronizing to miles in all the professionals because they look even better now that he's won so he's just like oh like after that travel he's like oh i feel so sorry for miles he's really cooked his game because i'm never getting votes and i'm never going home which was his line that he kept saying and he was so convinced he's going to the end so i just i fucking love the producers of this show was AJ from Melbourne because he felt like Melbourne was very arrogant yeah I mean I'm from Melbourne yeah very arrogant yeah I mean I hope not because I don't want him to come for me but yeah he was next level arrogant which I think is like a thing that comes with like being a poker player which do you remember when Joan Rivers was like you're a poker player you're a poker player and she was so disgusted at that woman on The Apprentice where was she bring Bring her back! Dig her up! Imagine Australian Survivor being like, it's brains versus brawns versus the corpse of Joan Rivers. They do this challenge. Joan would still win, yeah. They do this challenge and Miles finally wins, which was stunning. Huge. And then after it, Zara in confessional goes, what are the odds? To that I say, one in four. Yeah. Yeah. It was not that bad, actually. A lot of people in hospitals would take those odds. Exactly. And then once again, we kind of got edged in this situation. They were going to go to fire. It was like, oh, well, there's 2v2. You're all fucked, blah, blah, blah. But then we didn't get that. And it was just a straight... see Ysara. Yeah. Which was, like, fine. I think they did a really good job despite it being so straightforward of, like, editing it to make us feel like it was exciting. Yeah, they have to act like there's a storyline where there's no storyline. Yeah. Which is kind of reality TV. I was just happy that Cailin was still on my screen shirt list. Did you guys, so, who actually hands up? Oh my god, clap if you watched Australian Survivor. Oh, thank God. Okay, so we've lost most of the room. But did you find... Clap if you found Caelan hot. Okay, well, it looks like he could find a husband pretty easily. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, I don't think that's what she's interested in. I think she's a real loner. Like, isn't she, like, in Norway skiing or something? Yeah, she didn't even watch the show. She was like, oh, yeah, cute. Yeah, she's on to the next. Just being blonde. I feel like she's going to go on alone. Don't you think? Yeah. Kaelin would kill alone. Okay. Whatever. Yeah. You haven't watched Alone? If you can win a prize for being alone. Honey. Yeah. You would hate Alone. No, I watch Alone. I've lived it. What? Yeah. I know Alone. Are you watching it currently? How do I get you alone? Yeah. That's a different show. I thought you would hate it because it's just people sitting around being like, oh yeah. Yeah, Alone's the one where all the Asian women go, boo, boo. No, I'm kidding. That's that, you know, that's that dating show. I love that dating show. You're the one that I want. What is it called? Anyway. Alone is great. Good on them. You know, there was that amazing woman who like... Gina G. Gina G. What? The singer Gina G? Yeah, Gina G was on it. Yeah. No. No, I wish. I know. No, just... Oh my God. Well, she'd need a team. Gina Liana would need a whole team around her all the time. Yeah. Although I think Gina will end up alone. So don't worry. It's coming. Yeah. We all die alone. Hey. At this point in the final week of Survivor, I was literally only watching these last two episodes for the jury looks. Anyone else? Like when Kate walked in, in that like sparkly leopard print number, I was like, thank you for keeping me interested. And I just felt bad for the gay Sydney guy because the scar on his forehead, that ain't healing. He's going to have that. He's going to be Harry Potter'd for like the rest of JK, for the rest of his life. Like he needs to get in touch with George and they need to like, Start a class action or some shit. Yes. Because I think they both suffered facial injuries. Serious injuries. At the hands of fucking Channel 10. Oh, my God. Is that King George? Yeah. Yeah. I have a story that I can't tell about that. I'll tell you later. Yeah. How dare you? You know, George has an autobiography. Yeah, it's cool. And you know a lot of people hire ghostwriters for their autobiography. And it was you. Sure. The best work I've ever done. So good. Best work I've ever done. Bankstown, et cetera. So this final episode, I love that they didn't fuck around. It was like, And yet I skipped half the episode. Did you? Yes. How dare you? Well, I just wanted to see the challenge and the jury. But that's all it was. It was like boom, boom, boom. There was no bullshit. They had a breakfast. They always do a breakfast. They do the breakfast. I like the breakfast. And they do like a montage and like, let's walk and put out a fire at every tree and go, remember Rebecca? Yeah. She was the cunt. Yeah. And then they did the best thing ever, which was the family, you know, the family come out. to watch the final judge. Yes. But normally the family. These are the loneliest men. These. Yes. Incels. Like, oh my God. Say their names. Normally it's like, normally the family come out and you're like, oh my God. It's my wife. It's my sister. This was like AJ's mate from the pub, Nabil. Yes. Who was like low key a bit hot, but also. It was like watching, it was like watching adolescence. Yes, it was. All their weird male friends come out and you're like, what do you want to. And then Miles' friend, Jimmy. Yeah. Okay. And they all look like they barely knew each other. I know. And thank fuck for Kalen actually having a mum that could make it to Samoa. Men aren't okay. We need to get men talking. Men's shed. We need a men's shed situation. We need a black dog men's shed. I thought Miles was going to have someone way more camp than his friend. He must be like a D&D friend, you know, not a pole dancing friend. It was giving larp. Yeah, LARP energy. There was some LARPing going on. Yeah, there was the LARP of it all. Yeah. My favourite bit in that challenge was when Caelan was just like, because the mum was there being like,
Intro:oh, you know,
Sam Cremean:go Caelan. And he's like,
Intro:oh, mum,
Sam Cremean:I'm actually not going to talk right now. Oh, Caelan was regressing before our eyes. He was like, mummy, I can't talk right now. He's like, we're not doing talking, mummy. And he just kind of like focused and I was like, oh. So weird. I know. This is... And as a homosexual, I can't imagine not wanting to talk to your mother at all times. Yeah. There's so much to talk about. Exactly. Yeah. I would have been like... Can you believe how I'm being treated? Oh, my God. Yeah. What is, like, Aunt Jeanette up to? Is she still being a bitch? Like, the whole challenge would have just been us, like, bitching about people. I also found it funny when the other guy's friend was saying to, I think, AJ's mate was like, you should say something encouraging. And the friend was like... Keep going, Miles! And it's like, men can't talk. It's so funny. AJ just couldn't help himself, could he? He was like... I'm surprised his mate didn't come in and tell him his grandma died or something. Oh yeah, that stunt. Because he'd already copied everyone else's fucking moves from the show. So I was a bit shocked by that. He was very dull. AJ was very annoying. Yeah, so annoying. And I loved him with his chat GPT empathy set to 100 being like... Look, so Caelan wins the challenge. And then he's like, Caelan, look, I know you have to pick between me and Miles. And I just think you should really just like go with your heart. Do what your heart is telling you to do, Caelan. Pick me. It was so intense. It was so manipulative. It was really gaslighting. It was gaslighting. It was really gaslighting. Yeah. It was giving maps. It was giving maps. Go with your heart. And there ain't no heart in Survivor. That's the whole point. I literally... Yeah. Yeah. I was just curious. I just went because I was curious. I just wanted to know. No, because you shouldn't have gone and you've lost me forever. And then when we gagged that he picked Miles? Yeah, a little bit. I was, like gagged in a good way. Yeah. But also, let's be real, the show had been telling us through subtle editing cues from week one that Miles was fucking winning. So it wasn't too much of a shock. Well, I was happy that, I was so happy that Miles was still there at the end because I often think that Australia's a bit dull when it comes to like cutthroat competitions. So I always like it when we don't let the underdog win and we actually let the person who fucking dominated win. Yeah. Especially when the person who's dominating is a bisexual pole dancing Asian man. Yeah. But Stunning. Because it's a story less told. There's no Banjo Patterson poem about that. As yet. But let's get Shaddy GPT in on the gear. Dig him up! And I feel bad for AJ in a way. I know I've been... like ripping him to shreds all season but I gotta say that jury villa and that jury villa was like those girlies were everything I would give my left leg to be in that jury villa kicking with those girlies they seem to like him so I'm like if they like him I don't know maybe he's not that bad maybe he was playing a character but what is charm to a reality contestant what is like I don't know a bottom line to a reality contestant I think he gave them a lot of ammo to use in like a a real real and edit. And they happily did it. And I think he's happy about that too. Because we all know we're going to see him again. Oh, okay. Because they're doing like a best of or something. Yeah, that's what they call it. Survivor best of. Survivors, your best bits. No, bitch, they're doing Australia v. The World, don't you know? Who's coming back? Who is the world in this equation? Oh my god, Shani! Yeah, well, I paid for a cameo from her. She really delivered. Did you actually? Yes! What did you get her to say? Honey, my boy Oh my god. And that's how poverty cured cancer. Hang on, was it Shawnee or poverty? Huh? Hang on, was it Shawnee or poverty? Shawnee. Not poverty. I want to hear from his poverty. No. Well, they're about to become the same person when they girl up. You said Shawnee. Is Parvati coming out here? They're both on it. Yes. Okay, great. I'm not the one combining them. That was you. Yeah, I know they're different people. In my fantasy, they are the same person. They're very beautiful. Yeah, both of them. So that's going to be fun. They did tease a little promo for that during the end of this one. I've got to say, strange promo. Like, I'm obviously so fucking excited about it. Is it just Americans and some Australians? Like, who is the world? I think because Jeff Probst is like trolling us. They had to like chuck in a few other people. From what, like Survivor Greece? Yeah, legit. There's someone from Survivor Finland. And I'm like, great. Cool. And do they speak English? I fucking hope so, because otherwise JLP is going to be like, what? I do like how much they really do that. Like his balls are getting all tangled. Like they really know what they're doing. Yeah. It's so good. Jeff Probst doesn't go low. He doesn't work blue. He's trying to at the moment and it's awkward. Yeah. Did you see that one? Am I not the only one that clocked that? He made a ball joke recently, but it was like grandpa. Don't come for our gig. Yeah. Stop trying to be JLP. You could never. I just love got nothing for you. Drop your baps. Got nothing for you? I love all the classics. The one. Yeah. First things first. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. And it was pretty much a landslide win for Miles. Yeah. Which I wasn't expecting. I thought more of them would be like, oh, Kaelin, little golden retriever. No, and I love that that didn't happen. Yeah. Only Kristen, that dumb bitch, voted for Kaelin. Oh, was she the blonde sort of Lisa Curry Kenny kind of triathlete energy? Yeah. She was very Uncle Toby's oats for me. Yeah. She was giving mateship. Yeah, she was giving mateship and that ship has sailed, doll. Yeah. Now we want Asian bisexual pole dancers. Get with it. Take your SPC somewhere else. We don't want your wholesome stuff. We want to see some hole. Yeah. We do. We want the jungle rat. We do. And we got him. How do you feel about the nicknames? Look, I always get my ears prick up a little bit when, I don't know, sometimes it just feels a little racial and I get a little uncomfy. That was a bit awkward. Yeah. I always get a bit uncomfy when they give funny, mean nicknames to people of different cultures. I go, eek. Yeah. Yeah. It was like when Benjamin Law was on a season and they were like, oh, he's being so sneaky. And I was like, excuse me? You mean he's just like playing the game that we're there to play? Well, I thought it was sneaky when he said, I've written multiple plays. And I went, no, you haven't, doll. I said the jury determined that was a lie. Fucking hell. Yeah, I mean, don't play in my culture. I actually don't know where to go from this. I'm just burning bridges for no reason. Yeah. Well, we've learned a lot this evening. We have. Friends became enemies. Enemies became friends. Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. And I think the real winner is Benjamin Law as always. Fuck yeah. We love that queen. Yeah. Ash Flanders, thank you so much. Thanks for having me. For being here. I would also like to thank all of you lovely people for joining us this evening. My lovely live audience. Zelda Moon and Jean Litzer for our gorgeous drag race discussion. And everyone listening at home, thank you for your support. I love you all so deeply. Wow. Do you edit this or is this going to be all raw? Oh, no, this is all going in. Raw, unfiltered. Yeah, okay, wow. Let's go have a drink. I was joking with everything I said. Yeah, except for the part about tying up Jojo Siwa. Oh, absolutely. You can put that on my tombstone. Thank you, everyone. Let's have another drink.
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