Zeest Khan (00:00)
Hi, I'm Dr. Zeest Khan, the Long COVID MD. I'm a physician with long COVID and I've applied all of my medical expertise to my recovery. Luckily, it's working and I want to share what I've learned with you. On this podcast, I help you understand your body and understand the healthcare system so you can move your own health forward.

We've got a lot to talk about, but remember, nothing I say here replaces personalized medical advice from your healthcare team. Let's get started.

Zeest Khan (00:39)
How has long COVID affected your identity and the way that you view yourself? If you haven't asked these questions of yourself or sat with the answers that might come up, I invite you to do so now or any time after you listen to this podcast. Give yourself time, give yourself grace,

to process the feelings and answers that might come up. But know that you are not alone in having your identity destabilized by the sudden limitations that your body has.

and allow yourself to remember and believe that you are still you and that you are still valuable.

I named this podcast Long COVID MD, even though I thought it was a little awkward to advertise my credentials. I did it because after being sick for a few years and not able to practice medicine, I started thinking of myself as somebody who used to be a

I had been in medical training and practiced medicine for many more years than I had sort of taken a medical leave from. But it didn't take much for me to have that part of my identity rattled.

What is that part of identity for you?

Which title did you have? Which title do you have that has been questioned with these new changes in your body?

Even if it's been challenged, does it mean it's been defeated?

And what did that title do to make you feel good? How was that identity impacting the way you view

I will talk about my own experience and maybe that'll help you ask yourself the same sort of questions or maybe, you know, explore the same process.

My identity, like yours, is multifaceted. I have a bunch of titles. My titles were and are physician, mother, wife, daughter.

I have others. They are linked to my culture that I grew up in, where I live, my interests and my hobbies. These interests, hobbies, beliefs, activities, habits, desires, they all make up my identity. But let me focus on some of

big ones.

Doctor. My job is a really big part of my identity and when I couldn't practice medicine the way I was, it made me feel like a lesser person. So then I had to ask myself, well what about the job made me feel like a greater person? The thing that I love most about being a doctor

and what being a doctor means to me is showing up for someone who is in a vulnerable situation and serving them by taking care of them and keeping them safe using skills that I've acquired and learned over many, many years of training. That is a service and that is an honor for

It's a service to others and it's an honor for me to do. And it made me feel really good about myself. It made me feel proud of myself. It made me feel like I was contributing to my community. None of that description has to do specifically with the practice of anesthesiology. This is a relational.

experience in a lot of ways. I felt helpful. My job made me feel helpful. My job made me feel smart. My job made me, allowed me to navigate challenges. Kept me on my toes. My job was exciting. Those are the parts of my work that are linked to my identity. That's the stuff that is linked to my identity. It's not

just the title. It's actually not the title itself or the job in particular. Although certainly I can't deny that there is a level of social cache that comes with introducing yourself as a doctor and of course, I benefited from that too, I won't deny it. But the day -to -day work,

and why I felt good about myself at the end of the day had very little to do with that social cache because that was irrelevant.

So when I did that exercise of asking myself, what about this job is so important to my identity? Ultimately, it came down to the things that I value. I value being able to serve others. I value an idea or concept of people taking care of other people.

I value creativity. I value intellectual stimulation.

and I value teamwork.

I value being meticulous.

there was a long period of time where it was very challenging for me to scratch any of those itches. It was really hard for me to feel intellectually stimulated in service of other people.

when I had significant cognitive impairment and physically I needed the one, I was the one who needed help. I couldn't help, I wasn't in a position to help anyone else. So of course that illness and that reality, that new reality is going to destabilize my sense of identity.

And as I recover and regain function, I am still unable to act as a anesthesiologist, but I am able to remind myself and recognize that I am still a physician and there are ways for me to act on my values and be that person that I was acting as.

when I got to be an anesthesiologist. Through this podcast, I can serve others with the information and skills I've learned over all of these years of training. And I'm definitely working my mind learning how to do both the technical and the communication part of a podcast.

My daily occupation might not look the same, but I have found a way to keep my identity and use my skills and find similar gratification outside of that framework.

Is it possible for you to do something similar? Is it possible for you to think on the titles that you held that have been affected by your new limitations? To ask yourself, what about that title? What about those activities that that title let me do? What about that?

was gratifying to me. What about that made me feel proud?

And can you allow yourself to recognize that of course it's going to be rattling?

to be limited from doing those.

Another big part of my identity is the title of mother. I have two kids who are school aged and they were so young when I got sick and I've been sick for so long and away from medicine that I don't think they, know for sure my, my youngest doesn't remember me as a doctor, hasn't, doesn't remember seeing me go to work in scrubs or come home.

in the morning after a call shift

That stings a little bit too because another part of my title as doctor was gratifying to be able to demonstrate to my kids that, you

their mom was someone to be proud of, right? So when we talk about my role as a mother, that came up a lot because I couldn't, it was harder for me to really extract the meaning of motherhood.

It was harder than it was to extract the meaning of being a doctor, how it gratified me, what exactly I was grieving because it had been altered. So as a mother, wanted, you know, my kids to be proud of me. I wanted to make, protect them. I wanted to be with them, like spend time with them and just witness, bear witness to their childhood. I wanted to help guide them.

I wanted to play with them. And all of that was affected and impacted by being sick with long COVID and being in bed for the bulk of the day. I was now vulnerable. I could not be a protector.

I felt like I was losing time with them. I could not tolerate them in the same room with me for a good amount of time.

And with that came guilt, came sadness, came distress. And I had to spend a long time, I mean this whole time, re -evaluating my role in these kids' lives.

It is so distressing to not be able to show up for them in a way that you really want to.

And yet here I am. the truth is I have limitations. The truth is also that I am their mother. The truth is I cannot do everything that I don't... I can't take them around the world. I can't even take them on a vacation.

I can't take a run with them, but I am well enough now that I can spend more time with them. I may not be able to drive them around or spend a whole day shopping with them but I can certainly listen. I can pay attention to them. I can be present with them.

And even if that is all I can do, and I can't do it all the time, but if all I can do is be present with these two people I love so much and be able to listen to them and advise them, even in a limited amount, that is still gratifying.

that is still

And even if I can't model the life of a go -getter businesswoman, professional, I can be a good mom.

The point I want to make is that sometimes we put arbitrary values on the titles that we have. The titles that we have are a means to a set of rituals, right? Whatever we do in our

It gives us some stability typically in our life. It provides a flow and a structure for our days and it gives us a sense of self that usually says I am valuable, I am somebody because I do X, Y, and Z. I have these titles.

Our life is a series of seasons. I say this over and over again.

In this season, if these titles are altered or changed, if they can't be exactly the same as they have been,

It is understandable that it shakes our sense of core identity, but I want us to challenge the judgment that might come with

I have not been in clinical medicine for several years. I can still show up and serve my community as a doctor in a small way.

I am not a working mom and I can be a mother who demonstrates endurance, navigates challenges

demonstrates.

A strong work ethic.

All of these things are true. I am still Zeest. I am still Dr. Khan.

and it looks completely different than it did in 2019.

What are your titles? What do those titles offer you? What do those titles mean for you?

Is there a way to extract similar meaning from activities that look different than what you were doing before you fell ill?

Yes, our identities have been destabilized. Our identities are in question.

but we are still us. You are still you. I am still I. I am still myself.

And this season of my life is going to inform what my future identity shows up as.

there have always been external influences on our identity. I invite you to be generous

with how those external forces exert power over your belief about yourself.

I'd love to hear what answers come up for you, what questions come up for you. Email me at longcovidmd at gmail .com or message me through my website at longcovidmd .com. You can send me a message on X. My handle is doctor_zeest

Thank you for listening to the Long COVID MD podcast. I'm Dr. Zeest Khan. I hope you're doing well. I hope your identity is solid. And if it's not, I hope that you can continue to nurture it and recognize that it's still there. Take good care of yourself. I hope you're feeling well today. And until next time, bye for now.