Episode 35- "My Beautiful but Broken & Imperfect Motherhood Story"

In this podcast episode, entrepreneur and sleep coach Meredith Brough shares her personal motherhood journey of growth and healing. She opens up about the emotional struggles she has carried since childhood, trauma she experienced in her teen years, and how these experiences have affected her as a mother, influenced her parenting style, and even shaped her Baby-Centered Sleep coaching approach.

Meredith emphasizes the importance of being vulnerable,  seeking wellness, and regulating one's nervous system to be a better parent. She also shares her transformation of becoming a more understanding and less authoritative parent, and how she has become a healer to her children.  Meredith encourages open communication, love, and forgiveness in families.

Topics:

• Meredith's realization of not offering her children the comfort & support they needed in the past & her motivation to share what she has learned to help others 
• Recognizing emotional baggage from her childhood
• Her personal journey of healing & growth as a parent through therapy & spiritual practices
• Moving past our imperfections & embracing growth and healing
• The power of unmasking ourselves & showing our emotions to children
• Embracing vulnerability & open communication
• Regret for not being there for her son & the importance of being present and supportive
• The changes therapy has brought about in Meredith's life, including patience & recognizing & calming herself in challenging situations
• The importance of addressing & regulating one's own nervous system & taking care of oneself as a parent
• Learning to be less sensitive & letting go of unnecessary things & leading by example for her children
• What is helpful to understand about babies & young children (that Meredith didn't know when her children were young)
• What changed in her parenting approach 
• How to help  babies and children thrive & become healthy in every way
• What's wrong with traditional sleep training & what needs to change

Ready to understand your child better and unlock the keys to your exhaustion? Then take the Sleep Temperament Quiz:  Babies     Toddlers

If you'd like to learn about the Baby-Centered Sleep Consultant Program or Mastermind set up a call with Meredith HERE.

Don't forget to leave a rating or review and share your favorite episodes!

Key Words:
Sleep coach, sleep consultant, childhood pain, trauma, children, infant, sleep, nervous system, improving sleep, parenting, frustration in parenting, exhausted parent,  emotional regulation, self soothing, crying, poor sleep, emotional health, upbringing, parents, healing, growth, therapy, spiritual practices, prayer, the Bible, emotional triggers, wounds, therapy, open communication, vulnerability, forgiveness, family love,  anxiety, social difficulties, motherhood, mom regret, guilt,  security, authoritative parenting, high sensitiv

The Baby-Centered Sleep Consultant Certification Program Launches on November 11th, 2024!

Check out the links below & add your name to our waiting list so you can join our next session.

Learn More About the Baby-Centered Sleep Consultant Certification Program HERE.

Learn about our Baby-Centered Sleep approach, methods and principles, hear from a few of our graduates, and get to know Meredith HERE.

Chapters

• 2:15 Approach to Parenthood Speaker 1 talks about her approach to parenthood and how she initially struggled to understand her children's needs and behaviors.
• 5:20 Childhood Trauma and Emotional Struggles- Speaker 1 opens up about her tough childhood, the baggage she carries from her upbringing, and how it has affected her as a mother.
• 10:41 Healing and Transformation- The speaker discusses their journey of healing and personal growth through therapy, spirituality, and self-reflection, leading to a transformation in their parenting and ability to be present with their children.
• 11:42 Therapy and Parenting- The speaker emphasizes the importance of therapy in addressing personal struggles and becoming the parent they want to be, highlighting the positive impact it had on their children's lives.
• 13:41 Being Real and Apologizing- The speaker encourages being open and authentic with family members, apologizing for past mistakes, and creating a safe space for emotions and vulnerability, leading to healing and stronger relationships.
• 21:38 Learning and personal growth through therapy- The speaker discusses the changes they experienced after undergoing therapy, such as becoming more patient, recognizing and managing stress, and learning to be less authoritative and controlling.
• 23:47 Importance of being in tune with your child- The speaker emphasizes the significance of understanding and meeting the needs of your child by reading their verbal and non-verbal cues. This helps in developing their self-esteem and forming healthy relations
• 25:52 Building a secure and loving environment for children The speaker expresses their desire to go back and provide a more secure and loving upbringing for their older children. They stress the importance of being a gentle and responsive parent, offering comf

Transcript

Meredith Brough (00:00:01) - Welcome to Sweet Slumber, the show that's dedicated to helping you build a brighter future for you and your child when it comes to everyday life and sleep. I am Meredith Brough, an entrepreneur, sleep coach, and an instructor and mentor for sleep coaches and sleep consultants. On this episode, I am getting real. If you're new to my podcast, you're definitely going to get to know me today and hopefully you're in for a treat. I've realized lately that I share a lot more about myself personally on other people's podcasts. I don't like that. It's not that I don't want to be open with you guys, it's just that there's these other hosts who ask very specific questions, things that I can relate to, and I really love inspiring people to heal from past trauma. I like to share the obstacles that I've I've been through and overcome. Sometimes that's in my personal life and sometimes that's been in my business. And so I just feel like this is a place for me to go a little deeper today.

Meredith Brough (00:01:07) - I want you and my clients and my followers to know me a lot better than others do. Right? That's how it should be. So my first real admission that I want to share today is that I struggle with chronic burnout in my work life. I also struggle with ADHD FOMO at bedtime and I'm highly sensitive. What a combination. Now, the chronic burnout thing has been something that I've worked on this entire year to just slow down and paced myself and work on regulating my nervous system. And really, you know, I've probably known this a lot longer, but I've seen it in my, my work life that when I do slow down and I pace myself, that I'm a lot more productive. I'm a better coach. And so it's really sad that that happens. But there's this inner piece that I feel anxious to get things done and I feel. Like this drive. You know, like I can't slow down. So I just have to work on that. It's ambition. And that's a beautiful thing.

Meredith Brough (00:02:15) - The main reason I want to get real with you today is that I want to talk to you about why I'm so passionate about the methods I teach, and why I am passionate about changing the way parents approach sleep and support their babies and young children. I hope that by the end of this episode, many things will become clearer for you. Hopefully you'll feel more passionate about these topics and what you can do for your child too. So. When my children were young, I feel like I approached parenthood like most people do. Honestly, just, you know, were the adults were in charge. And we're trying to figure out these kids. They're just, like, mysterious. They're just. You know... I was a nanny. I was a child care provider. I worked in a preschool, but I still felt like my kids were mysterious. They, you know, they can't tell you everything they're feeling and thinking. And so it's almost like a little game or a dance where you're figuring out a little at a time.

Meredith Brough (00:03:17) - And whenever you do, it makes life easier. But there was always this one piece in my mind, like, why won't my kids obey? Or why are you so difficult? Or I'm too tired to deal with this. So as much as my heart, I think, was in the right place always. I always wanted to show my kids love and be there for them and be the best Mom and I still struggled to be, you know, patient. I struggled to understand the nature of, you know, why is this child crying? Why won't this go to sleep? And it's interesting because I blocked out or I forgot a lot of things. And I've been processing things with one of my kids lately and started remembering, oh, I remember sitting on the couch while you were in your room and you were just begging to come out and you were crying and you wanted me to come be with you. But I was just exhausted and flustered and frustrated and wishing that you would just go to sleep.

Meredith Brough (00:04:17) - And so I would let him cry. And I remember this being when he was a toddler or a young child, and, you know, he wouldn't stay in his bed. And I just remember not being very patient about it. And as I remember things and my son and I talk about them, there is definitely pain and there was regret. But. I just didn't know better. And I didn't understand what kids need to thrive. And I didn't understand how important it was to be at his side and offer more comfort and more assistance. I just didn't know. And so that's one of the reasons I really like to teach you guys what I've learned in the past several years, because I don't want you to go into parenthood not understanding your child, not understanding what they need from you, or how you can help them thrive. Like, this is so, so important. And I'm going to talk more about why I know that. I also want to talk a little bit about my emotional struggles and the baggage I carry from my childhood, because this definitely affected me as a mother.

Meredith Brough (00:05:20) - It affected me because I was triggered. It affected me because I wasn't whole. It was one of the reasons I was more impatient and frustrated. And as my kids got older, I would even get enraged or very, very angry or very, very hurt. And so. It's really important for you guys to know this stuff about me here. I've been teaching you about yourselves and about your children and about managing how you feel, but I haven't shared why I know this stuff. And so thank you for spending some time with me today and for letting me open up like this. So let's go back even further. I talked about my very first child, which he's 24 now. That was a really long time ago, but another 24 years before that. Growing up, I had a tough childhood. My parents had a lot of problems in their marriage, and they came from some difficulties in their lives. They had their own baggage and they had their own lack of parent modeling. You know, they had their own trauma to deal with.

Meredith Brough (00:06:28) - And I know that they did the best they can. And you guys probably hear that too much from other people. But it comes from a place of gratitude for the love my parents gave me and and maybe even their journey of healing and trying to do better. My parents, my dad, before he passed away, was completely different than the guy I grew up with, and my mom tries really hard now to be a very different mother than what I had growing up with. So I just want to give them credit for that. But what happened in my childhood is that they had their own problems and they were uneducated on how to handle this stuff, or what was healthy and what wasn't. And so me and my siblings, we honestly will talk and we'll say, where was Mom and Dad? I don't really remember them being around much, and I remember just being wild and free in the neighborhood and not really seeing them all day and. My dad worked like too much. He worked all day until like 9 p.m., so we hardly saw him.

Meredith Brough (00:07:29) - And then when he was home, he was super grouchy and impatient. And my mom, I think she struggled a lot with depression because she was just in her room. She was doing her own thing, and she didn't really grow up with a family who played with her. So I think that's part of it too. But we, you know, when you leave kids on their own to raise themselves. That's not a good thing. So we often raised ourselves and there were some problems, a lot of problems. And I think the bigger thing that affected me, though, was just having parents who fought and lying in bed listening to that and, you know, having a mom who would take us away and then we'd come back, she would leave. There was a lot of pressure on me to be the peacemaker. And so it was really hard for me to ever share how I felt or what I was going through and what my struggles were. And I was the third of six and my siblings ignored me and talked over me.

Meredith Brough (00:08:24) - And there's issues between me and each of my parents and that stuff comes out in my life. I also had some trauma in my life, both at home and and with dating, some things that went wrong that were scary and bad and sad, and I didn't get the therapy that I needed. I did get a little bit of therapy at one point when I was acting out, and my mom was like, what's going on with you? But it wasn't long enough, it wasn't thorough enough, and I was still feeling this pressure of not being able to share with my family. So I think that didn't necessarily help me because I kept it to myself and the therapist. So anyways, there are some things that happened in my childhood that made it really hard for me to trust my husband and feel secure and have self esteem, and I didn't trust that my needs would be met as a kid. I didn't always feel safe. I didn't feel like I could rely on my parents to comfort me or give me connection and affection.

Meredith Brough (00:09:27) - And so, you know, with me not feeling like I could share it, I buried it all. Which means I've blocked a lot of it out. And then later on, this stuff would come through. You know, it would be triggered by behaviors of my kids, or feelings that would come up. It was really, really tough. So I definitely struggled as a mom to manage all these emotions and all these buried problems of my past. But I didn't know that- I actually ended up having a lot of conflict with my son. And. I took him to a therapist thinking, what is going on with you? He was 15 or 16 years old, and this therapist had the amazing foresight to help me understand that I was the one who needed the therapy. I had my older kids go to therapy because they needed, you know, coping skills and stuff like that. But this guy actually says, you know, you're the one who needs this. And that was like a smack to the face. But I had told him a little bit about my life, and he looked at me almost with his mouth hanging open and said, "what in the world? How have you never had the therapy that you need? You have been through a lot of stuff."

Meredith Brough (00:10:41) - So he wanted to help me work through that, and I actually went to therapy weekly for a year. I did a lot of praying, a lot of studying the Bible and a lot of healing spiritually, too. And I feel like at the end of that year, I was a different person. And that's a really beautiful thing, because I was really able to be in the moment with my kids. I learned to be able to say to myself, "you're an adult. You're the parent here. You know, these are your children and this is what you want to offer them. This is what they need from you." I was able to just, I guess, disassociate from all those things that had been triggering me and just be more whole and at peace. And I know I'm a different mother from that. That was probably like 8 or 9 years and I've been on a wholeness quest ever since, healing my wounds.

Meredith Brough (00:11:42) - You know, when things come up, I try to address them, having therapists help me. Always, always learning about regulating my nervous system, trying to figure out what I need to take care of myself and how to feel good. Especially when I feel stressed. How do I handle that? And how do I be the parent that I want to be? And how do I give my kids the love and acceptance, the unconditional acceptance and be the safe place? And I know that my husband and I have done a really good job, and I'm super grateful that I have these three younger kids that were still pretty young when I went to therapy, that I think their lives were a lot better in the way that I wanted my kids, all my kids lives to be like. One of the best things that helped my aching heart was hearing my therapist tell me that my son and my older daughter, they had the next 30 years to heal from their journey just like I did, and that that's okay. And that's normal.

Meredith Brough (00:12:40) - And it's normal for families to have struggles. We're never meant to be perfect, and all these things just really gave me permission to to heal and to let go of guilt and to to thrive and to help my kids thrive. So. I just really love sharing this with you guys so that you understand that there's layers here. I'm not just this person who's had this perfect life, and then I'm able to just say, "hey, do what I say. Do what I think is right." It's more that, "guys, I learned this stuff. I always wanted to be a gentle parent, and I always wanted to be responsive and positive. And a lot of times I didn't have the tools. I didn't know how to do this stuff. I didn't know how to parent."

And I have looked to my in-laws. I've looked to my husband to know how to do that, because I really didn't have the modeling of the type of mom that I want to be. So I'm really proud of my journey and how I've changed and how I've grown.

Meredith Brough (00:13:41) - And I just want to say that if you can relate to any of these things, please find a therapist that listens to you. Who builds you up, gives you feedback that you can respect, makes you feel important. Validates your feelings. Find someone who knows how to help you heal from the past. And don't be afraid to talk to your family like your kids and your spouse about what you wish you did better. Don't be afraid to apologize and to, you know, to say when you make mistakes, this isn't really who I am or what I want to be. It's just really, really hard to manage all these human feelings or all this pressure, all the responsibilities that I have. I've told my children many times that I'm not a superhero, and that I can only take so much. So that maybe at the end of the day, when I'm impatient and I might not be the perfect mom at that point, it's because I'm at the end of my rope and I need some rest, or I need a break.

Meredith Brough (00:14:35) - You know, I tell them that stuff, but it's not an excuse. I also tell them that I'm sorry and that I love them and that I'm doing my best. And, you know, I just think it's so important to be real. When I was a young mom, I used to think I could never show emotion and that I had to always be strong and always had to have a smile on my face. And that did not serve my kids. At some point, I think that I realized I couldn't keep it together so perfectly anymore. And they did see me cry. Or they did see me act upset or sad when things happen. And that was really good because it made me a real person in their eyes, and it gave them compassion and concern for me. And there were things that we went through as a family that we we cried over together and we held each other over, you know, and I mean, there's only so long that you can keep an act up like that because.

Meredith Brough (00:15:32) - It's just unreal, unrealistic, and it's just not healthy. So now I've got teenagers who come to me and I cry with them, you know. Why not? And if I'm going through something tough and they know, then they pray for me and they give me hugs. And it's just so much better to be raw and open like that with with your family.

So I just want to say that there's things that I regret. And there's things that I wish I could go back and do over. But I tell my kids that, because I can't, right? I tell them this is what I would have done, and it's actually brought healing. I didn't know that, like actually expressing "if I could go back and do that over, this is what I would do." I was able to do that with my son recently, and I told him how I would just hold him and tell him how much I loved him and be there for him and it meant a lot to him. I think that's exactly what he needed to not just feel sad about what happened or what went wrong, or maybe the feelings that he was dealing with.

Meredith Brough (00:16:40) - But to know that his mom actually really, really cared and really does care and really loves him no matter what, you know. So these conversations are helping us with healing. It's really exciting.

Thank goodness for forgiveness and family love. Because of the healing I've seen in my relationships with my parents and my spouse and my children, I believe it's possible for anyone to build a brighter future, no matter where your path has taken you, no matter where it's turned. So as I said, things have been very different with my older kids in their lives. They have really had a low tolerance for stress. They have intense anxiety. One of my daughters couldn't get out of bed for months during high school. Life was too overwhelming for her. My other child has severe social anxiety. He has a hard time speaking up with authority figures. He hates talking to adults on the phone or meeting with people face to face. He has a lot of struggles, and he's trying to figure out how to handle his strong emotions and communicate better and deal with all these feelings.

Meredith Brough (00:17:53) - And I'm not saying that I am to blame for their struggles, but I don't feel like the interactions between us and the struggles that we had helped them at all. I don't think that not being there for my oldest son, when he was upset and wanted to be with us as a young boy instead of going to sleep, I don't think that ignoring him served him at all, and I know that from what I've learned about what it takes to help kids thrive.

So these are the types of things that I wish I could go back and do over. My fourth daughter struggles with anxiety and has had situations with depression. And she's also had sleep struggles. And so I know that that ties into some of the struggles that my older kids have too. And there's some genetics there. So it's not all on me. And I don't think that's a burden that would be fair for me to have to carry. But I know some of my actions have caused pain and some struggles in my older two kids lives. So there was a sense of not being able to rely on me or turn to me for help.

Meredith Brough (00:19:03) - There was doubt about their self-worth, their place in the family. They felt like they couldn't do enough to win my husband's and my love. They felt rejection, fear and invalidation. So, you know, like I said, there's no easy way to pinpoint how parental actions influence children.

But we do know, again, what it takes to help kids thrive. And so that's why I'm so passionate about what I teach guys. It's because I've seen some of the negative effects in my older kids. I've seen how they struggle. And in my heart, I believe that there's no limit to what parents can do to help their kids thrive. There's nothing we wouldn't do. There's never a "too much" that we we can or should do to help them thrive. And I just think that we should and can do a lot to support them. And so one of the reasons I say that is: I'm against cry it out. I'm against Ferber, because that is sending the wrong message to our kids. I'm super passionate about helping kids thrive when it comes to feeling secure and trusting their parents and relying on their parents and having really, really strong connections and attachments to their parents. So that they can learn to be independent on their own. So that they can have really healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

Meredith Brough (00:20:32) - And all the stuff that we can do to support them when they're little, helps them develop properly, helps to manage stress, helps them become resilient, helps them become confident and have self esteem and thrive in every area of health.

I wish that I had checked every box along the way. So I'm here to give you the tools, insight and the knowledge that you need to not only improve sleep but help you get it right so you can do everything in your power to give your child the most promising future.

Now, let me talk a little bit about my younger three. They were only eight, ten, and twelve when I went through therapy. There were so many years left at home for me to change patterns, to be more supportive and loving, to keep learning and growing. I did not have it figured out at that point. Definitely more learning and growing. More of the let's give you the right attention. Let's show respect. Let's learn how to handle our emotions and work through your stress. It's been so much better.

Meredith Brough (00:21:38) - I'm learning how to help them do these things that I'm trying to learn for myself. We're learning together. And again, there's lots of love and forgiveness going both ways. There's lots of open communication. So just for a quick list of things that changed, once I had therapy, I grew in patience. I learned to recognize what my body feels like when I'm getting upset or stressed. I gained tools, and that's not just during that therapy time, but that's over the last eight years. I learned how to calm myself. I learned to step away. I gained a sense of safety and being present. Letting go of old healing feelings and healing from those things. I was able to do that. And that really changed this person that I was able to present to my kids. I learned how to be less authoritative and controlling. I learned to listen more and solve problems less, open up more about my problems, shortcomings, and ask forgiveness. I'm learning to not be so sensitive.

Meredith Brough (00:22:45) - That's a really big deal. I'm recognizing when I'm overreacting or not letting go of something. I'm able to tell my self I'm okay, and I love my family, and I have goals and certain things I'm trying to accomplish as a mother, and I keep those in mind. There's always a sense of loving and needing each other and caring and being there for each other. And this is probably not in the best order, because I am listing something that should have been up at the top. I'm learning to take better care of myself so I don't give from an empty cup. I've always prayed for help and strength and patience, but now I'm also trying to be a healer to my children. I'm leading by example, by not arguing and not getting drawn into debates. I'm encouraging my kids to get along and that I believe in them, that they can. And I'm loving with my whole heart now. I think that's the thing that I was missing before, but I can do this freely now. There's nothing in the way.

Meredith Brough (00:23:47) - Nothing to fix. Well, there's little things to fix. So there's less to work through. And my kids can feel that- it's really beautiful.

So I'm just going to quickly list some of the things that I wish I had known a long time ago: how important it is to be in tune with your child, and read their verbal and non-verbal cues that can help you understand them and meet their needs. Striving to do this is the best way to be an amazing parent. It's the best thing to focus on, so just being in tune and reading them. You can help your child develop self esteem and form healthy relationships for life. I wish I knew that when my kids needed more support and energy from me, that I would be making a bigger impact on them. So the long nights spent tending to your child will actually pay off. Infants and children are unable to comfort themselves or feel better without their caregivers help. I wish I'd understood that with my kids so, so much. Offering comfort to them whenever they need it teaches them to comfort themselves along with modeling coping skills as they grow up.

Meredith Brough (00:24:49) - You can help your child grow in resiliency and stress tolerance. If you're responsive, rushing to your child's aid, not leaving them to cry or work it out on their own, it will help them become independent, secure and grow and develop optimally. Even brain development is affected by responsive, gentle parenting. Doing all of these things will help your child thrive as much as possible in every area of health. So amazing! So I really do wish I could go back with this knowledge that I have now and do it all over again so that I can see what my older kids' lives would be like, and how it would change their health. I like I said, I'm not taking the blame for everything, but I just... I would love to see that version of my older kids. I think they'd have fewer struggles. And so in my heart, I feel like I'm on a mission to help parents understand that there's nothing that you can you do, that you would ever regret. There's nothing you can do too much of to support your children's well-being.

Meredith Brough (00:25:52) - It's all worth it. Sorry. Didn't expect to get this emotional. I wish my my oldest kids and my youngest kids had an entire full life of growing up, feeling more secure in my love and acceptance, in developing self esteem and confidence. I wish that I could go back and show them that they're important and amazing 100% of the time, but that's okay. I can't go back, but I look to the future for healing and growth for all of us. The person that I am and the story that I bear has brought me to the here and now. I can change my future, my kids future and my grandchildren's future. And I can equip you to have fewer regrets, reassurance, and peace of mind. So I challenge you to take steps towards your own healing and growth. And I challenge you to step back and try to be the most gentle parent who is present and in tune with your child, and.

Speaker 2 (00:26:55) - I challenge you to.

Meredith Brough (00:26:58) - Be responsive and offer comfort and, you know, do all the things that you can to just be there for your child and help them understand that you love them, and that your love is unconditional, so that your child can grow up being as healthy as possible.

Meredith Brough (00:27:16) - I know that I'm overly passionate about helping our kids turn out to be as healthy as possible, but that is for a reason and it's so important. I hope you understand now, after this short episode, why I'm so passionate and that I'm not just basing my beliefs on the things that I've read and seen in my work. It's definitely a very personal thing. I'm happy to be guiding you on this path. I'm happy to be sharing and helping you be the best parent you can. And I hope that one day you'll be able to look back and see that you did so many things to contribute to your child's health, to help them thrive, to help them be a connected person with others. And I'm really grateful to be able to share this with you and that you're willing to listen. So thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2 (00:28:15) - Remember to rate and review this.

Meredith Brough (00:28:18) - Episode and share it if you want to, because I'm on a mission of building brighter futures for children. And if you do that, you'll be able to help me reach more people.

Meredith Brough (00:28:29) - So thank you again for being here. Until next time, I'll see you soon.