Ep #134 Encountering Futility: Why It’s Life-Changing (Even If It Sounds Depressing!)

So today's episode is ALL about a concept that might sound super depressing at first glance, but is actually one of the most powerful tools we have for emotional growth. I'm talking about encountering futility - yep, that word you probably haven't tossed around since your college philosophy class (if ever)!

What Is Futility Anyway? 🤔

Futility is when we're up against something we literally CANNOT change. You know that feeling of figuratively banging your head against the wall? That's it!

Think:

• Your toddler flailing on the floor because you won't give them a cookie
• Your teenager giving you death glares because you set a phone curfew
• Not making the team or getting invited to the party
• Missing an important call (more on my personal meltdown about this later!)

The word actually comes from Latin "futilis" meaning leaky, vain, or useless - like a vessel that can't hold water. How perfect is that? Because when we encounter futility, we often "leak" tears as we process those emotions!

Why Encountering Futility Is Actually AMAZING ✨

Here's the wild part - every time we go up against something we cannot change, we're given this incredible opportunity for growth. When we allow ourselves to feel the emotions instead of fighting them, our brains literally change! We become more emotionally mature.

The science shows that when we go from "mad to sad" (Dr. Neufeld's brilliant phrase), our nervous system logs this experience as safe, and our emotional capacity increases. It happens spontaneously - we don't have to consciously try to grow emotionally. It just happens when we create the right conditions!

The Mad-to-Sad Journey 🛣️

The magical transformation happens when we:

1. Stop resisting or fighting against the unchangeable situation
2. Allow ourselves to feel the disappointment/sadness/grief
3. Surrender to what is

And guess what? Those tears of sadness are actually different chemically from angry tears - they contain stress hormones that we're literally crying out of our bodies! (How cool is THAT?!)

My Personal Futility Meltdown in New Zealand 😭

I had this intense experience last month in New Zealand. My son Cooper is living in Chile having some really challenging experiences, and we had this important scheduled call. But because of the time difference, travel, and my notifications being off, I MISSED IT.

I completely lost it when I realized I wouldn't be able to talk to him for another week. I sobbed for hours (yes, HOURS) on the couch, surrendering to this situation I couldn't change. And then something magical happened - I felt this incredible shift inside me. The resilience that followed was palpable.

I actually wrote a poem about the experience (which I shared in the episode - it's not winning any awards but it captures the journey!).

How to Create Your Own Futility Encounters 🗓️

You don't have to wait for life to throw futility your way - you can actually schedule these encounters! Remember that beautiful scene from "Shrinking" where Jimmy and Alice sit on a park bench with headphones, listening to music and crying together over their loss? THAT'S encountering futility intentionally!

Here's your homework this week:

1. Prepare a "futility playlist" - songs that bring up emotions for you (mine is Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 2)
2. Find movies that reliably make you cry (I love "About Time" - watch it every year!)
3. When you feel emotions building up, schedule time to feel them completely

Remem

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