Ever found yourself at the crossroads of a workplace disagreement, unsure how to navigate the choppy waters without capsizing the team dynamic? In this episode, we explore strategies transforming potential confrontations into opportunities for genuine connection and understanding.
What would change for your team if you could shift communication from a place of judgment and demands to one of feelings, needs and a new way to move forward together?
No matter what roles you are in, if you are trying to use healthier ways to address conflict, this is the episode for you.
To have your questions answered on the show, submit your story here: https://allthrive.ca/share-your-story
Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink is live every week at 5:00pm MST. Please join us to get answers to your leadership questions! https://www.linkedin.com/in/leah-fink-all-thrive/
Ever found yourself at the crossroads of a workplace disagreement, unsure how to navigate the choppy waters without capsizing the team dynamic? In this episode, we explore strategies transforming potential confrontations into opportunities for genuine connection and understanding.
What would change for your team if you could shift communication from a place of judgment and demands to one of feelings, needs and a new way to move forward together?
No matter what roles you are in, if you are trying to use healthier ways to address conflict, this is the episode for you.
To have your questions answered on the show, submit your story here: https://allthrive.ca/share-your-story
Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink is live every week at 5:00pm MST. Please join us to get answers to your leadership questions! https://www.linkedin.com/in/leah-fink-all-thrive/
Speaker 1:
Every action you take as a leader has a ripple effect, starting with your team, going out to the organization and even out into people's personal lives. Here we offer you the chance to learn from real life stories of leadership so you can gain a deeper understanding and level up your own skills From communication to culture, to power and equity, to feedback, to resolving conflict and more. Join us and make sure you're creating the ripples you want. Welcome to Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink.
Speaker 2:
Hello and welcome to Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink. Today we're diving into conflict. Woohoo Everyone's favorite? Of course not. This can be a hugely stressful topic, not just for leaders, but for employees, for parents, for kids, for teachers, for students. Conflict can be a really stressful thing Because, of course, we don't want to get hurt, we don't want to hurt other people, we don't want to feel judged, we don't want to become an outcast for what we're saying. How many people have felt talked over, unheard and just like they were never acknowledged in a situation, and that can be really hard. And then the conflict escalates and gets to places that we really don't want to be. So that's why we want to chat a little bit about this today, and Effie writes in with their experience.
Speaker 2:
She says I am part of the C-suite for a mid-sized organization. I'm having some challenges with one of the other executives. His style of communication is different and he's a bit of a jokester. He's made a fair amount of comments about me, my staff or other people on the team, and I think they sometimes go too far. When I tried to mention it, I was told I was being sensitive and he was just joking. I feel really unheard and disrespected by him. I don't want to be the emotional woman on the team taking things too seriously, but I do think his comments are crossing some lines. Are there other ways I could start a conversation with him about this? So great question and thank you so much for sharing your situation. I can very much empathize with where you are. Not only is there this behavior that is bothering you, but you've also been told specifically that you shouldn't be bothered by it. Now I'm not going to focus on this episode about some gender dynamics that might be in play here. As you mentioned the being an emotional woman, I do think it is a reality that these kinds of situations can happen to women in the workplace and if people are interested in that for another episode, I'd be happy to talk about it. So just write in and let me know that. And, of course, effie, when we have our conversation later, we could talk a little bit about how that might be playing into.
Speaker 2:
But the focus of our show today is going to be on how to address conflict or tension, or whatever you want to call it, in your relationships, in your interactions. Now on the show before, we've talked about false harmony and that's this piece that it, like I mentioned, it's so hard sometimes to have these conflicts, we're so worried about it that we choose to not bring up things that are really tough and should be addressed, need to be addressed. We've talked about it before from the perspective as well of giving feedback. When there is a specific behavior or action that you're hoping someone will change, you can, of course, talk to them about it and see if they're willing to take that feedback and move forward. And we talked about how to build that into your culture, how to be more relational with that. And this is kind of the next step, or a step for a bit of a different situation, one if you've given some of that feedback and maybe it hasn't been heard. So in Effie's case, it sounds like she tried to give some feedback. I don't know exactly how she gave it, but it wasn't fully received. That's fair. Sometimes in feedback, people also don't feel like they have a say. They can't say anything back about it. They're just getting feedback. So it can be a little bit more complicated in that way and ultimately, with feedback even the relational feedback we're not going quite as deep as we are going to go today and that depth and meaning that we're adding to this communication really can shift what the conversation looks like Now.
Speaker 2:
The tool that I like to use in these situations and that I teach all of my clients almost is called nonviolent communication, also sometimes called compassionate communication. It was created by Marshall Rosenberg and it has been used by so many people all over the world as a way of communicating differently, finding a different way to connect people. If you're curious about the name, it's not to say that we expect everything's going to end up violently and in physical altercations, but that the way we connect often, or the way that we try to communicate often, is actually very disconnecting and escalate situations and might lead to that, or, at the very least, leads to this, maybe verbal violence that we use against each other instead of getting to this more meaningful, compassionate, empathetic space. Let's just start by talking about why conflict exists, and we often see it as a bad thing. Right, we don't want to be fighting against each other, but when we are upset, when we're defending aside, as it were, what we're really often doing is protecting something that's really important to us, that's really meaningful, we really care about it, we really believe in it. We feel this need to make sure that it's safe or that something particular happens, and that's, of course, not a bad thing. You want to care deeply about things and you want to have that sense of honestly, an attachment to it, that you're willing to have those emotions. That being said, we want to express them in a way that actually helps our relationships, instead of becoming budding heads and hurting those relationships and ultimately not getting anyone's needs met.
Speaker 2:
Ultimately, the way we communicate often the way that we're trained to communicate in our society is less focused on that and more focused about this idea of maybe winning or getting someone to do what you want or what you think is the right way, and, to be fair, that does feel safer. We like to feel in control. Those are all very natural things, and when we focus, though, on that side, we're actually not very likely, though, to get what we want. Have you ever tried to control someone? Maybe, when your kids are really little, you can tell them what to do in the listen and. But outside of that, if you start telling people what to do, even in a leadership position, do they really want to listen to you? When you try to control them, are they forced to listen to you, or do you want to find a space where everyone feels understood and you've built that empathy. So that is really the focus of this is. We're not trying to control anyone with this communication. We're really looking for this deep seed of empathy where we can come together, meet and truly understand each other.
Speaker 2:
We use this a lot when I worked in addictions and mental health and it wouldn't really surprise you that a lot of often clients' relationships with their families were not great when they came out to our program and we would teach them nonviolent communication as a way of helping create that understanding again. And it might not surprise you that there was generally a fair bit of conflict in those relationships because, of course, their families might be worried about their health, worried they were going to die. How many times have they told them to stop doing this to themselves, to stop using drugs or alcohol or whatever the case may be? They tried control and it was from a place of very deep caring, very deep concern about that person, and it didn't work. And what we focused on instead was this developing this understanding and this empathy that we could actually talk, we could really hear each other in a meaningful way and, funnily enough, that's what actually gets the behavior change often that these families were looking for, because when you feel understood and you feel like you understand the other person's perspective, you move together to potentially towards the same goal. And think about how nice that would be in the workplace to bring these differing opinions which is actually good to have to have those different opinions that are causing friction and to take that friction and turn it into a cohesion that everyone's moving together, with these different ideas, in the same direction. I think that is really exciting and that's of course, what we want for UFE is to create this deeper level of understanding and then you can both find ways to get your needs met. So it's not a win-lose, it can be a win-win where you're both in a good space.
Speaker 2:
To give an overview of nonviolent communication I might also call it NVC it really simply has four components and that's your observations, your feelings, your needs and your requests. This is the opposite to a lot of our communication which we often use in these situations, which are our judgments, our interpretations, our strategies and our demands. So I'll give a little example as we go through here and we're just touching on the tip of the iceberg here. We'll probably go further into some of these in later episodes. But starting with observations, we've talked before on this show about assumptions, how we are very, very good at making them.
Speaker 2:
All of us and observations are really trying to be as free from assumptions as we possibly can, as though if you were taking a video and you recorded a situation, you had to describe it out. What are the exact facts that we could state about what happened? So if we were talking normally, or what Effie might have said previously to her colleague, might have said something like you were mocking me for being bossy. There's a lot of assumptions in there inherent about how he communicated, how she communicated, all of those dynamics. What if we were to switch that to an observation, could be something more like during the meeting I, effie, said my staff had been working very hard to finish this project. You said with a boss like you they'd have to and then left. So we might already if you listen to that, you might already be making some interpretations. You might have some assumptions about it, but we have stated this as just the facts and it's much harder to be sensitive to that. It takes away some of the emotional impact of saying you said this about me and you must have been intending it in this way. Those are the judgments that we tend to make when we describe things, usually.
Speaker 2:
Next, we go to how we feel about this and not trying to move away again from this piece of interpretation. And interpretations can usually be found when you say I feel like and instead of just using a feeling, you're maybe using a word about what the other person did, so I feel like you disrespected me, or I feel like you're judging me. I would suggest that there is something deeper. Instead of saying I feel like you disrespected me, actually, what I'm feeling is maybe hurt or sad, maybe embarrassed or worried or awkward, insecure. There's so many feelings that are under that, and then we've already started having these thoughts and putting this extra language of disrespect and you did this to me on it, I feel like.
Speaker 2:
So instead taking that away and just saying I feel insecure and hurt, very simply, the next layer of that is going on to our needs. The way we usually use needs is I need you to do this, and that that's our way of interpreting what we think is the easiest way for us to feel good about things, because, of course, we all have needs. That's not a bad thing. We have, of course, physical needs, but emotional and psychological and spiritual needs. That are the requirements that we have to be happy, healthy humans. So when our needs are met, we get all those good feeling emotions. When our needs are not met, we get those emotions that are a little bit tougher and often we do not enjoy so much. So when we talk about needs, instead of just this strategy of I think if you do this, I will be happier what is actually the thing that I am feeling a lack of and not to say that you are now responsible for meeting it, but just can I be aware of what's happening for me? Potentially, in this situation, this example that I've made up, I might say something like I feel insecure and hurt when my need for consideration or support was not being met. Once again, not saying you need to be considerate and you need to be supportive in this way, but those are needs that I was experiencing in the moment.
Speaker 2:
Then the last piece that we're going to go to is requests, and the difference between a request and a demand is, of course, a request. You have to be okay with it if it weren't to be met and you can really request either actions or opportunities for more connection and understanding two different types of requests. Another piece that we might add to this at the end would be well, colleague, now that I've shared how I was feeling, I would love to hear why these things are important to you, right, or it could be? You know, my request, now that you understand how I feel about all of this, is that you save these comments for someone else. Is there someone else you could joke with? You can play around with these different requests and, to say this, all I'm going through very much surface level. We're just skimming the very top of this, but already, hopefully, you can hear how this shifted the conversation. So, for example, if Effie maybe said to her colleague before trying to give this feedback, you need to stop making these jokes about me in our meetings, it's a statement. It did mention that she wanted him to make stop making these comments. It addressed part of it, but obviously it didn't make change and it would be different for her to sit down with him if they're both willing to do this in a calm space and say when you said this comment about you know your team and you laughed, I felt insecure and hurt because my need for support wasn't being met. Would you be willing to tell me why this kind of joking is so important to you? Very different statements and those will have really different impacts on the person who hears it.
Speaker 2:
I truly believe that deep down, we are all very empathetic people. We care, we want to have connection at a meaningful level, and so starting these conversations in a way that gets to that heart of things is not about accusing and judging the other person, simply stating observations, your feelings, your needs, your request and then inviting them to do the same. It shifts things, and the really great thing about this is you can use it, of course, after arguments or after disagreement, like it sounds like this is once you've calmed down, you can use it. There's some different methods you can use that we can maybe talk about in future episodes. Even when people one person is escalated, you can use it for yourself as a reflective practice. I know that when I'm having really big emotions, I go, well, what am I needing right now? Like let's start to deep dive into this. And you can also use it with your team.
Speaker 2:
We've talked before about that spectrum of task to relationship, focus, communication. This is very much on that relational side. This is a great space when you're trying to explore different viewpoints and different things that are meaningful for people and it's really get down to what that meaning is. We mentioned these before. We mentioned goals and hopes and fears. This is very similar. We're diving into a better understanding of a person and what they're really caring about, what they're really protecting and valuing. I hope that you're able to use this. Look into the resources. There's a ton of resources for nonviolent communication. They're fantastic. Can't miss it if you Google them. I'm also happy to do and probably will end up doing some more episodes, deeper diving into what each of these are and what it really means for you in the workplace and Effie, of course, I will be following up with you specifically so we can talk through the situation a bit more.
Speaker 2:
Make sure you really got your question answered and a reminder to anyone else who might have a story or question they want to share or a topic they want me to expand on. You can write those in and if I do pick that and have your story on the show, I'll follow up with you with that complimentary session to really make sure we got your question answered and if you want to join us live so you can comment and ask your questions. We would love to have you. The link for that is in the description below. If you are a regular viewer of the show and you have been enjoying it, I would ask that you please go to your favorite podcast app and make sure to rate us and leave us a review If you have some feedback. We would also love to hear that, so please reach out. I want to thank you so much for listening, so much in your willingness to engage in these potentially uncomfortable conversations and give some of these things a try. Thanks so much for listening and I look forward to seeing you next week.
Speaker 1:
We hope you enjoyed the episode. Make sure to subscribe, comment and connect with Leah at meetleahca.