Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink

39 - Dealing with Disrespect

• Leah Fink • Season 1 • Episode 39

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Have you ever felt disrespected by a coworker?  But how do we even define disrespect? Join us as we unravel the complex understanding of how individually we perceive respect, and how we can use that to develop better relationships.  From personal preference to deeply ingrained assumptions, this episode will challenge you to rethink your interactions and their impact on workplace dynamics.

Can you decide whether or not to feel respected?

If you want to be able to move past the trap of 'disrespect' that limits your connection with others, this is the episode for you!

To have your questions answered on the show, submit your story here: https://allthrive.ca/share-your-story

Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink is live every week at 12:00pm MST.  Please join us to get answers to your leadership questions! https://www.linkedin.com/in/leah-fink-all-thrive/

Speaker 1:

Every action you take as a leader has a ripple effect, starting with your team, going out to the organization and even out into people's personal lives. Here we offer you the chance to learn from real-life stories of leadership so you can gain a deeper understanding and level up your own skills From communication to culture, to power and equity, to feedback, to resolving conflict and more. Join us and make sure you're creating the ripples you want. Welcome to Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome to Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink. Today we are going to be talking about this idea of respect in the workplace, what that looks like, what our own experience is, how we understand it and how we interact with it in a much healthier way. Sa shares their story. I love my job and my company is great Overall, really healthy culture and I would say people are super respectful.

Speaker 2:

I don't have any problems with my boss or my staff. However, I do have a problem with one of the other supervisors who constantly disrespects me. If I'm sharing something in a meeting, she'll interject in a rude tone to correct me or to move things in a different direction. She isn't friendly at all and I'm tired of her constant feedback. I don't see her that often, so I don't want to go to my boss and make a big deal out of it, but what can I do? Thank you so much for sharing your question, your story, and this opens up a really great question about interpersonal dynamics in the workplace and beyond, and it's exciting because today we get to look at this from more of a neutral power dynamic and I'm also still going to address a little bit of this leadership piece at the end and in my work I will tell you, I hear a lot of people talking about how they aren't respected by their boss, how they're not respected by their staff, by their peers.

Speaker 2:

I hear it in personalized people not respected by their kids or their family members. We talk about this concept of respect a lot and for this being an episode about respect, the first thing I'm going to do is say that respect I don't think is a useful word really at all for these conversations or when we talk about interpersonal reactions. And I'll tell you why it is that this word has been so co-opted in our society and how we speak, by our assumptions and our preferences and our unconscious needs. It often seems to do more harm than good when we talk about it, because we're really not saying the same thing. By definition, respect is supposed to be the due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others, or a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements. Generally, we tend to go with this first piece when we talk about being respected or not being respected. Are we given this due regard for our feelings and how we perceive the world? And the difference is that we don't all have the same perception of what that looks like, and it's very heavily layered in both our personal experience and the assumptions of how we see the world. So let's start with these preferences that we have, and I'm going to use an example from a True Colors personality typology workshop that I did a couple years ago Now.

Speaker 2:

One of the staff members shared that they hated how a certain manager would always hang up the phone once their conversation was done and wouldn't say goodbye. She'd just hang up once that discussion was finished. And the staff member said that that behavior was very disrespectful. They didn't like it. So we brought it up to the group, we pulled them and it turned out that a majority of staff didn't like that particular behavior. But there were some staff that liked it and the manager's reason behind it that she explained and we explored a little was that she knew everyone was very busy and once the discussion was done, she didn't want to waste anyone's time with all this saying goodbye. She wanted to respect their time more and the people who were appreciative of this behavior agreed and they said they felt respected by this because that time was very valuable to them. And there's this other person and this other group of people that didn't feel respected and to me, this just highlights that respect isn't a specific behavior. Being respected isn't a specific behavior, but it's just a personal preference to whether or not you see that behavior as good.

Speaker 2:

So, essay, let's explore some of these things that you mentioned that you felt were disrespectful to you. This peer interjects when you're talking, she corrects you, she changes topics, she isn't friendly, she gives a lot of feedback. Those were the things you've said, and I can understand the perspective that those would be negative behaviors, how you wouldn't like them. However, do you know if anyone on your team maybe does like those behaviors? I mean, I certainly appreciate it if someone jumps in to interject if I don't have all the information or I got something wrong, and I personally really love lots of feedback and maybe some people like this ability that she can shift to new topics easily or that she doesn't bring a lot of that personal mumbo jumbo into the office. Maybe they like things a little bit more formal and professional.

Speaker 2:

So we start looking at this again. The same way we talk about responsive leadership, there's this responsiveness to each of our individual relationships. Now there's a reason that she's chosen this behavior. She must see it in some way as good or useful or practical, or she wouldn't do it. And I suspect there's parts of her behavior, like I said, that other people like, even if maybe her delivery isn't the best. That's another part that can play into this. We won't really go into that today, but this idea again of being respected is more ingrained again in your preferences than in how you like people to interact, how you'd prefer them to do this.

Speaker 2:

So let's talk about our preferences and the extra piece that we layer onto them, which is why we might take these behaviors so hard and so badly. And those are the assumptions that we add in when we see a behavior that we don't like. Now, when we see a behavior that we prefer, it's often because it's similar to how we might behave and we know our own good intentions. So we see those behaviors as good and the assumptions we make about that behavior when it happens is that it's a good thing. So we layer on all these good assumptions to this behavior that we already like and on the opposite side, we tend to layer bad assumptions onto behavior that's different than how we would interact, especially when we don't understand it at all.

Speaker 2:

I like to use Chris Argyris' ladder of inference as a way that we can explore this. We're going to dive into this just briefly and we're going to give lots of feedback as an example. And so the bottom rung of this ladder, when we look at our assumptions, is just the observable data we get. So if we were describing a video, what's the exact things we would see or hear? So this co-worker said these words specifically Her voice was level, her face had a neutral expression. That is data, and this is the same thing that that person who loves getting lots of feedback would see. They'd observe the exact same things.

Speaker 2:

But then we go up the next run on the ladder and we start to select the data that we think is important. Maybe the thing that stood out the most to you was this neutral face expression. Maybe for the person who likes a lot of feedback, it was the words they said. So when we start interpreting this data, what does it mean to me when someone has a neutral face expression? What does it mean to me when someone shares a piece of feedback and that starts to lead into our assumptions? Maybe we have an assumption that when someone has a neutral facial expression, it means they don't like us or that they're mad at us. At the very least, they're not happy about this.

Speaker 2:

So now we're starting to assume that this, this other person's experience of this same data that we get, could be so, so different, because this just continues, of course, into the conclusions that we draw. Like this person doesn't like me at all, or this person cares a lot about me, and then we start forming these beliefs about them and about the situation. This person's trying to hurt me, this person's trying to hurt me, this person's trying to help me. These are quite deeply ingrained and then, of course, we take actions based on this process that we've gone through in seconds. It's so deeply ingrained, we're so quick at it. So, for you, the action you start to take is to avoid this person as much as possible so you don't have to talk to them, and this other person that had all these good assumptions about this person is going to seek them out and try to talk to them more, and that's what happens.

Speaker 2:

This is how we interact, and the problem is, when we look at our ongoing relationships with people, is, once we reach this point of beliefs and actions, we don't go back down to the bottom rung of the ladder, we go to that second rung where we start inferring and interpreting this data, and so it just reinforces what we already believe. So maybe in your first interaction with this person, yeah, she wasn't that bad a bit annoying, but not that bad. By the second interaction, you're going I don't really like this person. By the third interaction, you're starting to go man, this person just always wants to cut me down and hurt me. You've reinforced this belief enough times. You're continuing to grow in the direction that you thought it would.

Speaker 2:

So now we've taken something that we've seen, we filtered it through the lens of preference and assumptions and we made this decision about either we were respected or we weren't respected by this action. So you see, now we've gone through this whole process to get to this concept of respected or not respected and, to be fair, I've also used this term as we've been talking about feeling respected, because that's how people talk about respect. It's a feeling we have, but respect isn't really an emotion. It's an interpretation that we've made, like I said, through all these lenses, through all these things that we've filtered it through. But essentially it's an action based on our own experience that we are now judging. So this is the reason. This altogether is the reason I don't think that conversations about feeling respected in the workplace are very helpful, and this isn't any interperson interaction. This is if you're talking with your kids. This is if you're talking with your spouse. It's really more about exploring our own experience. So what can we do with that?

Speaker 2:

First, I really recommend this is a great space for self-reflection. What are my preferences in relationships, interactions, and how do I respond when other people have different preferences or different ways of interacting? Because you probably have some behaviors that are based on all these things that have come up and beyond that. When I look at all these preferences and assumptions, what does that mean for my life? What does it mean? The bigger picture? And so you can go online. You can find the letter of inference If you reach out to me. I have a great little worksheet about it I would be happy to share so you can explore this and you can do this yourself.

Speaker 2:

You can go through each of the pieces and see where you've started making some assumptions or beliefs, and you can also do this with other people, which is a great exploration If you can find someone who tends to maybe disagree with you a little bit, even someone similar. If you start exploring some of these assumptions that you have, you might find different perspectives in this. Oh, am I even making an assumption while I'm riding out this ladder? Oh, you see that differently. What does that mean? And so some of these can be so deeply buried. It's literally hard, even when we're doing this ladder, to understand how deeply ingrained we believe this behavior is.

Speaker 2:

And then, of course, the other piece that I think is really important in this is you want to connect with this coworker and understand more about what's happening for them, even though you don't see them all the time. To me, this kind of peer relationship would be something that's worth investing this little bit of discomfort for having this communication, this conversation that you can talk through it. They can understand each other better, and then you don't have to dread going to those meetings with her. I would share about how you've perceived these actions. I would ask her about her intentions and what she hoped for from these interactions. You can even share the assumptions that come up for you with that specific behavior so they can understand why you were so impacted by this. And, on the flip side, I wouldn't be surprised if there were a couple behaviors that they would be able to talk about, that they maybe don't have the best assumptions or thoughts towards that you do with them, and so now we're really creating this understanding.

Speaker 2:

It's so rare that we have any real understanding of what's happening for another person, their actual experience. So to start to bridge that gap, to have these deeper level conversations can be so powerful and once again, anywhere in your life, if you have been experiencing this with a teenager at home or someone else on a personal level, have these conversations because it is so, so useful for deepening relationships. And now one thing I feel is really important to add, because this is a podcast about leadership, is now that we've recognized how complex this is, even in a neutral power dynamic where your peers with each other. We want to definitely look at what happens when you add a power dynamic to the mix. And importantly in this podcast, and what I want to talk about is this idea of your staff team respecting you Because there's this power differential.

Speaker 2:

This can be a really tricky thing, because we know that staff are more likely to cater to leaders' preferences. It's a very common thing that happens. They're also more likely to agree with you and do what you tell them. Right, because of that power differential and because, in part of that, that is their role to do what their boss tells them. But this is the other really tricky place where we often confuse the word respect. A lot of people use the word respect to mean you have to do what I say without complaint. Once again, you might recognize this as a parent to a teenager, right? If someone does not agree with you or doesn't do what they ask of you, especially when there is more power on your side of the relationship, we say we don't feel respected by that person.

Speaker 2:

Now think about all the things we've just gone through and the reality of what that respect means. Or if there's this expectation you have when you are in power, that people need to agree with you and do what you say, because if some of that is alive in your leadership, in your interactions, that people don't actually feel fully safe disagreeing with you because you'll see it as disrespectful or they're worried about what this means in the workplace, you're not going to be getting the best out of your employees and the best out of your situation. So, as a leader, I recommend really making sure that you are seeking feedback, that you're exploring what your culture is, that you're creating this space where people can safely disagree, where they can bring forward these pieces that might not be exactly what your preference is, and that you don't see that as disrespect. Disrespect does not mean disagreement or non-compliance. If you want to make sure, by the way that you're doing all of these things, that you're making sure you are creating a healthy workspace, please reach out. Let's have a chat about it, because that is something, certainly, that I would like to support you with Now, sa, I hope that gave you some ideas.

Speaker 2:

I know we probably went some different directions, but that you have had a chance now to explore your own perception of this, that you had some time to self-reflect and really get into what this piece of respect truly means for you. As a reminder to all our listeners, if you have a story like essay that you want to share with us or any questions, I would love to have them and you can find a link for that in the description below. As a thank you for that, I follow up with a free session to make sure we fully answered your question and really dive into some skills that you can then use to progress even further and I want to thank you so much for listening today to learning with me to doing this self-reflection. That takes a little bit of time. Definitely takes some self-awareness to really understand what respect means in your life and how you might be perceiving people whose preferences are different than your own. So, as he quotes, remember to ask yourself what kind of ripples are you going to create this week?

Speaker 1:

We hope you enjoyed the episode. Make sure to subscribe, comment and connect with Leah at meetleahca.