Indispensable People
Making the Gospel Accessible to people of ALL abilities so that they may know Christ, grow in Him, and serve Him with the gifts He has given them.
Indispensable People
Please Don’t Say “Calm Down,” Say This Instead
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We share a practical framework for de‑escalation that respects dignity, reduces sensory overload, and keeps people safe. From language swaps to sensory tools and safety protocols, we map out how churches can become truly accessible, not just well‑intentioned.
• scale of disability attendance gap and perception mismatch
• knowing the person to spot early escalation
• proactive sensory supports and spaces
• movement and game‑based regulation tools
• what to say instead of calm down
• non‑confrontational response during fight or flight
• safety protocols when strategies fail
• debriefing the community without stigma
• partnering with caregivers to build future plans
• commitment to an accessible gospel for everyone
If you want to dive deeper on your own, you can check out the Indispensable-People blog or my books on Amazon called The Indispensable Kid or Gospel Accessibility and the Indispensable People
Hey, hey, my name is Tracy Coral, and welcome to Indispensable People. I'm a pastor, a teacher, a missionary, a mom, a wife, and I believe that every person should have access to the gospel so that they can know Christ, grow in him, and serve him with the gifts that he has given. Over 65 million Americans have a disability. That's 15 to 20% of every community. And over 85% of those individuals do not attend church. 90% of pastors believe that they are a disability-friendly church, but only 20% of parents and families agree. Let's dive deep into hard topics, big questions, perceptions, stereotypes, and so much more. Today we're talking about some strategies for neurone needs and calming down. And it's probably one of the biggest questions that I get asked in ministry when people are considering maybe starting a disability ministry or better serving individuals with disabilities within their church. And they want to know the answer to the what-if questions. And the what-if question normally is what if an individual gets upset? What if an individual starts melting down? What if things become violent? And my number one strategy, my number one go-to is let's deregulate before we get there. I'm sorry, de-escalate. We want to regulate, not deregulate, of course. So we want to de-escalate, which means that we have to take some steps prior to being able to serve this individual well. And the number one thing is getting to know them, right? Every person is different, every person has different needs and preferences, and understanding those will help you to reach into your toolbox and grab out what is going to work best for that individual. So I will just give myself as an example. Okay. If I am super duper upset and someone wants to give me a hug, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to escalate first because that hug is going to give me a little bit of safety. And then I'm going to let it all go. And then I'm going to become embarrassed because I'm crying and I want to get myself under control. And so it becomes this spiral. So sometimes when I'm really, really upset, I just need a few minutes before I can take in the hug, have the conversation, and engage in that way. Some people want to be removed from all of the chaos or the noise or things that are going around them. So their brain can reset and think clearly. Some individuals are going to need to be able to move their body and get the intensity that their body is feeling out. So you might offer them a walk or some churches even have a gym. So let's go to the gym and shoot some baskets. Let's shoot 10 baskets and then see how we're doing. So the outlets are different for every person, but the the getting to know you leads to seeing when an individual might be escalating in their feelings or their emotions or their behaviors or what they need before you get to the what-if parts, right? And so if we can take care of those things, then we avoid or work around. And I don't even want to say avoid because avoid sounds kind of negative in the sense that we just want to make life easy for us in the church. And that's not the case. We want to make church sustainable, accessible, and enjoyable as well as all of the things that church needs to be, which is being able to grow and become more like Christ and have opportunities to serve, right? And we can't do that if we don't feel safe there, if we feel like our body can't get under control there, or that we feel dysregulated in any way. So we want to set up those opportunities. And that's why we always suggest having a sensory bag, your welcome station or check-in areas, so that an individual who might want noise-canceling headphones could access that. In my home church, we make earplugs available in every lobby for anyone who may need them. In our sensory bags, we also put sunglasses so that if the lights bother that individual, we put some fidgets in there so that your body has some things to do while we're doing that. And that works really, really well in heading off some of those situations that might arise. Another thing that I have just seen, and it was from a pediatric therapist who was giving some tips on helping individuals regulate. And some things that they suggested was one, she could just called it a blanket shake. And it's literally a towel or a blanket that you take and one person holds one end and the other person holds the other end, and they just shake it while they're singing a song. That is an easy strategy. And the purpose to that is that you receive the appropriate acceptive input that needs, and it gives a rhythmic regulation. So the brain is receiving what it needs to kind of put it back in rhythm and back in calm. Another thing, they did like a towel tug of war, which gives the brain high-level focus because they're strategizing because they want to win the tug of war. And so you kind of play the little tug of war, and you can do that with a towel. You can do that with, you know, any kind of small objects in that form. And again, it helps to organize the mind. So if the the person is feeling kind of chaotic in their thinking and they can't structure what they need, that's a great way to bring it into thought. Now, again, these these particular strategies are obviously a lot easier with kids or teens. It's a little bit more difficult with adults, but you could step out of the space and kind of engage in these things if needed. Kids and youth tend to have bigger spaces with options of, you know, moving in or out. And some of those things can be turned into games and don't necessarily highlight that person for a negative something that they don't want to be looked at for. Another strategy was the butterfly pose pose. And I go back to gym class in elementary school and I think about the exercises that we did before we started whatever activity it was that the gym teacher had. And you sit on the floor and your feet go together, the bottoms of your feet go together, and your knees get stretched out to the side. And what that actually does is it is it actually signals calm to the brain. So those are some really great um strategies, some other things. In our sensory room at our church, we have a exercise trampoline, so it's smaller. So, you know, go give me 10 jumps on the exercise trampoline and you know, come back, or you know, those kinds of things. So just giving the body a sensory distraction and providing for what it needs in that moment so that they can then be able to move on. Now we're gonna move to the next part because even with all of the best laid plans, knowing the individual the best that you can and providing strategies, sometimes the body gets out of regulation. So what do you do? The the worst thing that you could ever do, I don't know about you, but if I'm highly upset and someone comes to me and they say, calm down, there's only one thing that happens. I'm not calming down, right? You've just now made me upset because you have taken my feelings and basically told me that they are not worth my emotions and that maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of something. And all of those things can be true, but it doesn't mean that it's gonna help me to move on to the next thing. So, what are our alternatives when calming is necessary, but we don't want to say calm down? We want to say things like you're safe and I'm here. And that communicates to them that literally they're safe, you're here for them, there's no judgment, and you're gonna walk this through with them, they're not alone. And another is your body seems angry and that helps to name the emotion. It gives tools for them to communicate with you in the future, and it removes demands from them in the moment. Another option would be would you like space or would you like a hug? This kind of goes back to my introduction of all of this of going sometimes a hug makes things better and sometimes it makes worse. It just depends on the individual, but you're also you're giving them space, you're also supporting them, but you are allowing them to make the decision because all in all, what we understand when someone is dysregulated, they're typically in fight or flight, right? So they are fighting to save themselves or they're trying to get away from whatever it is that's causing these feelings. So we want to be non-confrontational. It is not a time for discipline. And we have to regulate first and then address behavior later when we're not in fight or flight, because they're not going to hear it and it's only going to escalate the situation. Again, that doesn't mean that we don't address behavior. That doesn't mean that we don't help them to understand what better choices are for the future. But it's not the timing to do it right in amidst the behavioral issue. One other last thing that you could offer that person is some people are really good with a distraction. And so something like, hey, let's see if we can blow this paper across the table, you know, and that will kind of introduce some regulation strategies, but not put a lot of pressure on that person. And so those are just some options and opportunities to step into those difficult moments that could arise that happen because they maybe aren't able to regulate their emotions. Maybe it's because their body is feeling things that they don't have an outlet for, or not feeling safe leads to these kinds of things. Now, here's the disclosure with all of that, right? The the proper steps are let's de-escalate. So catch things before they even get and offer outlets and opportunities. Then if it that doesn't work, you're gonna step into the strategies to help the individual calm down, but we're not gonna use words like calm down. We're going to help them to feel safe, name what they're going through, and provide strategies to work their way out. And here's the disclaimer of the last but not least. If none of those things work, your job is going to be to keep everyone safe. And so that means you're going to remove other people from this space. You're going to make the space as safe as possible for the individual who is dysregulated. And then you are going to gather their caregiver or their parent who has abilities and strategies that we as the church necessarily wouldn't have. And so they're going, they're going to be able to come and respond. And then after the situation is completed and finished, and you're going to check back in with those initial people who experienced and saw this situation occur, you're going to check in on them, help them to understand that sometimes our bodies don't listen to us and we have big emotions and everybody handles them differently. And our job is to help each person to our best ability. And we don't want to demonize the person who had the behavior. We want to make sure that we build understanding and acceptance. Then you're going to come up with a plan with the family or the caregiver and the individual on how we can best serve them for the future, what that might look like, and what we would do if something occurred again. And because we're not stepping out of ministry, ministry isn't always clean. It's not always easy. It's not ideal. We do want to keep everyone safe. We want to make the best choices for everyone involved. But also we want to remember that in whatever way that it looks like, we want to have an accessible gospel where every person has the ability to know Christ, to grow in him, and to serve him with the gifts that he has given. I can't claim to have all the answers. I can't claim to know all the things. But here's what we are gonna do. We're gonna keep this conversation going. We're gonna make the accessible gospel available to individuals with disabilities in our churches and in our communities so that every person has the opportunity to know Christ, to grow in him, and to serve him with the gifts that he is given. If you want to dive deeper on your own, you can check out the Indispensable People blog or my books on Amazon called The Indispensable Kid or Gospel Accessibility and the Indispensable People.
