Autism, Literal Language, And Why Direct Talk Builds Trust

We unpack how literal language shapes communication for autistic people and why direct talk reduces anxiety and misreads in homes, schools, and churches. Practical tools help us replace hints with clarity, give processing time, and confirm shared next steps.

• autism and literal processing of language
• the cost of hints, sarcasm, and metaphors
• six-second pause to support processing time
• direct requests that reduce anxiety
• focused questions that avoid overload
• using I statements to signal emotional state
• brief reasons that add needed context
• written follow-ups to lock in details
• church and event examples where clarity matters
• clear talk as spiritual care and belonging

If you want to dive deeper on your own, you can check out the Indispensable-People blog or my books on Amazon called The Indispensable Kid or Gospel Accessibility and the Indispensable People

Transcript

Welcome And Why Access Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hey, hey, my name is Tracy Coral, and welcome to Indispensable People. I'm a pastor, a teacher, a missionary, a mom, a wife, and I believe that every person should have access to the gospel so that they can know Christ, grow in him, and serve him with the gifts that he has given. Over 65 million Americans have a disability. That's 15 to 20% of every community. And over 85% of those individuals do not attend church. 90% of pastors believe that they are a disability-friendly church, but only 20% of parents and families agree. Let's dive deep into hard topics, big questions, perceptions, stereotypes, and so much more. Hey, hey, welcome to this episode of Indispensable People. Today we're talking about autism and literal language. And I don't know how you were brought up. I don't know how you typically run conversations. But for me, I can tell you that often the conversations that I have, how I answer emails, texts, all of the things, I really take into consideration how take into consideration how the tone of my voice sounds and how I am trying to be kind in my words and in my actions and interactions so that people do not feel like they were bulldozed or that they don't have a say or any of those kinds of things. And I have conversations with my husband all the time about these types of things because he's kind of more, he can either be incredibly direct, which can come off rude, or he kind of has an undertone and he's waiting for the other person to kind of guide and direct. So just a real quick example. My husband has a bad back and he was in a lot of pain. And so for him to be able to help with the team was a struggle in cleaning up. And so I looked at him and I said, if it hurts, go home. If just basically saying, like, listen, if you can't be a part of the team and you can't help, like, just go home because it's going to be confusing that you're here, but you're not helping. So go home, do what you need to do, and that's fine. Part of that is me going, I am orchestrating a big event, and I don't have time to baby the situation, kind of uh to say the least. But also, I see your need. Here's what you can do, and I'm gonna go ahead and move on with what needs to be done. And he really, in that moment, needed me to say, I'm so sorry, everything is is hurting for you. That's terrible. I don't want you to have to do anything. Like he needed me to, for a lack of a better explanation, in that moment, kind of baby him through the situation so that he didn't feel bad about leaving. In that moment, it was quick, it was needed, and I needed to be direct, and he didn't receive it that way. He received it in I was angry that he wasn't gonna be there to help the team. And it wasn't that, it was you're not able to help, so just head home. Let's not confuse the situation, and I need to focus on what needs to be done. So, in our regular everyday communications, whether it's husband and wife, whether it's friends, whether it's in a school setting, a church setting, or whatever, our words are interpreted by the other person in different ways. So I told you when we started this, we're talking about autism and we're talking about language and speech and how that all matters. And here's what you need to know. And again, when I say all these things, these are generalizations. They do not apply to every single person with autism. Everyone thinks and feels differently, but this is a generalization of an individual with autism that is tending to be typical. So understanding the relationship between autism and communication really requires us to uh look at the brain and how it processes language and therefore also processing it literally, which is what the majority of individuals who are autistic tend to do. And then understanding that there is a social impact from being direct and not watching that tone, not watching the things or understanding how the other person could perceive what you just said. And so for many individuals who are autistic, communication is about sharing information accurately rather than navigating the social subtext, right? It's based on I need to understand what you mean and I'm gonna take it literal and I'm going to receive it and send it that way. So the it really impacts how words are used and information can take be taken or given. And so we need to understand what that little literal interpretation means. And this is, you know, the age-old, you know, you're heading off into someone's going into a play and you say, break a leg. Okay, it's a metaphor. That is not literal concrete language. Someone with autism might be appalled that you said break a leg. So that's a really easy to understand example. But asking someone something like, can you close the door? Yes. Which you're saying basically, please close the door. And they're saying they received it as you asking them if they have the ability to close a door, and they answered you yes. So understanding that was not direct language and being literal, you really need to be direct. And sometimes that can be received by others as rude, right? So we need to also consider it's called gestalt processing, where some individuals process language in chunks or phrases, and sometimes those in in individual phrases come from echolalia, which is kind of repetitive herd scripting language, and that helps them communicate even if they don't fully understand the context. So they might kind of tag off of something they've heard before in that. Another thing to consider outside of the literal interpretation or the use of phrases or, you know, locating context that they've used before is processing time, giving that individual a few extra seconds to kind of turn around the information. And one technique says, like a six-second rule is waiting six seconds before you repeat yourself and provide the necessary space for an individual to respond without feeling rushed. And my son Noah will tell you all the time that whenever he feels pressed or anxious about something, that he like it's like his brain goes blank. He can't think, he can't answer. It's it's like the forgotten information. So just understanding that taking that pressure off and allowing that person that processing time gives an opportunity for them to think through what they need. So let's talk about the role of directness, okay? What it how it plays, how it helps, and how you can utilize it. So direct communication, it's often the preference, but more so I would say the necessity, because it removes like the hidden requests that come into neurotypical socializing. So let's let's kind of look at this clarity versus hinting. Okay, while some neurotypical people might use hints to be polite, like saying it's cold in here. That would, if you're at somebody's house and that would maybe trigger them to go, oh, I should shut the window, right? Whereas someone who needs to be direct in their language, they may say, close the window. And you're at somebody else's house and you're telling them what to do, and that is perceived as rude or abrupt or however you want to take it, but it's a communication of the needs. And they aren't looking at it as I'm being rude, it's using direct language to communicate what's going on. Another thing to consider honesty and precision. So the communication of someone who is autistic often prioritizes like the factual accuracy and uh authenticity of language. And again, this can be perceived as being blunt or rude, and it comes from a desire to be clear. They're not worried about the social norms or small talk. They are just wanting to get their message across and make sure it's understood. So, why does this direct communication, why does it matter? First of all, it for the individual with autism, whether it's their delivery of information or the receiving, it reduces anxiety because there's clear expectations. There is not misunderstandings, so it lowers the stress of decoding what the speaker actually wants. So, us, an individual without autism speaking to an individual with autism, we're delivering what the speaker actually wants and needs. Okay. So you're saying, you like in your mind, you're probably thinking, but I don't want to be rude and I don't want to be blunt and I want to make sure that even so, like I'm being cautious of my tone and my whatever. But if you don't utilize direct language with that individual, they may be confused, upset. So that on their end is actually causing them stress. So making sure that we prevent misunderstandings, that we lower that stress of them decoding the message that we're trying to give. My husband is like the master of I'm gonna say what I need without saying what I need. And I have spent the last 20-some years of marriage looking at him going, just say what you need. I am a very, I just say what you need, let me be able to do it. Don't, don't make me try to figure out what you want. It's just his way. And it doesn't help a lot of the situation because, especially in high movement, lots of things going on, busy schedules, all of that kind of stuff, it is so easy to get lost in the decoding and in the figuring that that person really never gets their needs met because the receiver of the information didn't understand it the way that they delivered it. So if you want to have clear communication and you want to have needs met and you don't want to cause that other person stress, you're going to need to communicate the way that they prefer and need so that you can interact with them in the ways that work best for them and make communication communication clear, reduce that anxiety, prevent misunderstandings, and understanding that communication is a two-way street, and those misunderstandings often happen because one person has a deficit of some sort, but and it's not or does not have a deficit. I'm so sorry, does not have a deficit, but because there are two different communication styles. It's not one is right and one is wrong, right? We have social norms and and that kind of thing, but that doesn't mean that one is right and one is wrong. They're different styles of communication. And when we can both adapt and be more direct, then our communications become much more effective. So how can you do that? What do you how what are some strategies to make that happen? You can you can be specific with deadlines and tasks. You can provide a written follow-up, you can use direct instruction instructions such as do this type of things. And it was as simple as I watched an interaction with a a therapist or a school employee with a student, and the the student was playing with a toy on the floor, and the teacher said, go sit there. They didn't say, can you, will you, do you any of those kinds of sit. They gave direct instructions so that that individual can complete that task. And we want to understand your emotional state and how it impacts. And you might need to state an emotional state first. I am angry, and then say what the anger is coming from. You can ask direct questions. Don't ask, how was your day? But what was the best thing you ate for lunch? Because how was your day becomes an overwhelming thought process, and you're sorting through each and every piece of the day to come up with a question. Ask those direct questions, they will help the interaction. Use I statements. I need some quiet time right now, is more clear than you're being too loud. That again, it helps understanding of how you're feeling, what's going on, and that kind of thing. And at times you're gonna need to explain your why. So if you're changing a plan or setting a boundary, or you need to state the reason clearly and briefly, that's really important, to provide the necessary context for literal thinkers. So again, going back to give give your thinkers some more time, avoid subtext, take away sarcasm, idioms, and hints, and confirm understanding. That's really important as well. You want to ask those clarifying questions like, did that make sense? What is your understanding of the next steps? And that way you can make sure that you're both falling into the same understanding. Why do we want to do this? In churches and ministry, we're communicating a lot of information, whether it is on biblical topics, whether it is about events or things coming up, and things could be misunderstood. For example, we had a celebration for our volunteers at our church yesterday. And there's a language barrier. We have an individual from another country that attends our church, and she wasn't on the signup list for the event. And so, no big deal. We figured it out. We made sure there was a place for her and all of that kind of stuff. But somewhere along the line, her description was, well, I was invited, which meant I came. So language can be so easily misconstrued, and then steps can be missed, and misunderstandings can happen, and there are feelings on both sides of those misunderstandings. So if we can be more direct, simplify what we're saying, give that language processor some time to think about what has been said, and then check for clarification. All of those things are going to help you move forward in your communication, which means you move closer to God. Because the goal is that every person comes to know him, grow in him, and serve him with the gifts that God has given. And we do that when we have clear communication. I can't claim to have all the answers. I can't claim to know all the things, but here's what we are gonna do. We're gonna keep this conversation going. We're gonna make the accessible gospel available to individuals with disabilities in our churches and in our communities so that every person has the opportunity to know Christ, to grow in him, and to serve him with the gifts that he is given. If you want to dive deeper on your own, you can check out the Indispensable People blog or my books on Amazon called The Indispensable Kid or Gospel Accessibility and the Indispensable People.