The Calling: Follow your spirit- all the way in

S2 32 Standing in the Sacred Portal of Death

• Homaya • Season 2 • Episode 32

Share episode

Welcome

In this episode I open my heart and invite you into one of the most intimate portals of my life. I share about the death of my mother, the intensity of the last month, and what it really means to sit in the room with death. This is a raw, tender transmission recorded after a day of many tears, with silence, emotion and codes for you if you are willing to receive them.

Episode Summary

I take you through my mother’s long, gradual decline and the moment of her passing. I speak about how she seemed to be slowly turning into thin air, while her strong personality stayed present almost until the last breath. I share the sacred call to clear my day, sit by her side, hold her hand, call in the angels and witness her soul leaving her body.

I also speak honestly about our complicated relationship. I was harmed by her behaviour for years and I had to do deep work to liberate myself and to liberate her. In her final hours I returned to her bedside, gave back what was never mine to carry and chose what I am willing to continue, heal and honour from her lineage. In that moment we reorganised the heritage between us so we could both be free.

I reflect on the strange contrast between a whole life ending and the world carrying on as usual, the bureaucracy that surrounds death, and the small signs Spirit sent me, including the number 17:17. More than anything, I share the holiness of a single exhale that is not followed by another inhale, and the realisation that the Divine presence that animated my mother is the same presence that is breathing you now.

Key Takeaways

  • Death is a sacred portal that our culture often hides from us.
  • You can study death, yet being in the room with it is a different initiation.
  • You can energetically return what is not yours to carry, even at the threshold of death.
  • A whole life completes in one exhale, and the same Divine breath is alive in you now.

If you are walking with grief, sitting with someone you love at the edge of life, or simply feeling called to deepen your relationship with death and with your own breath, I am holding you in my heart as you listen. Thank you for being here with me in this tender space. If this episode speaks to you, please share it with someone who might need these words today.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, text the show.

Homaya Resource Links:

[00:00:01] Homaya: Hello, my beauties. Wow. It's been a month and it's been an intense month, and during the entire month I knew that eventually I will find myself sitting and recording this episode, this transmission. Maybe it'll be one episode, maybe more than one.

[00:00:31] The last month was intense, transformative.

[00:00:38] It wasn't master month. Months where you could really learn about. I could really learn about myself and about life. A month ago, exactly a month ago, my mother passed away and as much as I wanted to believe, which is so beautiful that I know and I've invested. To educate myself around death and the connection between death and life and living, how important they are for each other, for the depth of understanding of what life is.

[00:01:25] As you are in the room with death and you know that you can never be prepared.

[00:01:37] And I feel that this is why Spirit insisted and the thoughts and the feeling and the sensation that this must be recorded and shared

[00:01:54] because I know because it feels like. We need to get more education, more awareness for the sacredness of life, for our mental health, emotional health, for our sovereignty, for our mastery. And although I was going around in circles and pushing the moment of recording. I had to surrender. So I'm sitting in my living room after a day of so many tears, and I'm just gonna share with you as we're sitting here together, there could be moments of silence, there could be moments of tears if those will come, but. I trust that you would listen to it knowing that there are codes here for you both about death and about grief.

[00:03:08] I also wanna share that I was avoiding for so long also to record. About giving birth to my child because I do believe that the codes that I can share there are exceptional because of who I am, because my sensitivity to energy, because of the way that I read and experience energy in my body, and I might do that.

[00:03:39] I might record about the birth of my child. But I mention it from two reasons. One is listen and get the codes that are relevant for you and practically because there is so much connection. Between birth and death, so my mother was very dominant energetically.

[00:04:23] She was a very reserved person. Something in between fearful to very low self-esteem, and because of that. She was very controlling, which next to her beautiful and unique gifts influenced my life. She was very artistic in her nature.

[00:04:58] Very creative in her own style. I feel that she gradually passed away, not in one day.

[00:05:11] And although 30 days passed since she passed away, I feel she's still gradually passing her physical condition. Was of a long process of decaying with another challenge and another challenge.

[00:05:37] And it was so interesting because every time there was. A feeling that because of that physical condition she would pass, her heart will break her, one of her system will break, but none of that happened.

[00:06:01] And as long as she was decaying during all the time that she was decaying. What I felt is that she's gradually transforming, transmuting into a thin air.

[00:06:20] Yet her character was very clear, so, so much of her. Was already not here when she passed, but the strong part of her character, of her personality was there until the last breath. She couldn't speak at that time. She was in suffering. She couldn't move, and she was still there.

[00:06:56] I came to be by her side and it was clear that we're speaking about days or maybe hours. I felt I must be there with her. I must sit by her side. I couldn't imagine this sacred moment doing it next to machines, noises.

[00:07:29] The day was full of pre-planned activities and I gradually clear them the day before she was still struggling and I was sitting by her. Side and I was quite amazed on seeing how life is, continuing. People were working street, the street was full of cars. The everything continue as it is while she was there. Struggling for her life. Now that I'm recording this and I'm living my life and everything seems okay, and you are now driving your car or sitting in the bath and listening to it, and there's someone who's completing their lives, and this is so precious and so meaningful.

[00:08:39] Yet it is Unperceivable and we're somehow created a culture to ourself in which we're not present to death. It is happening out of our sight. It doesn't allow us to be more human. On a contrary, it push us to be more machines because it is so easy. Much more easy, easier to just operate and not to feel what death.

[00:09:31] Invites you to feel what death confronts you with and what will happen to you if you really acknowledge it, if you be in the room with it, if you will look to it. In the eyes the day before she passed away. So many people came to say goodbye without them knowing that they're coming to say goodbye, but they just came to be with her and it was unperceivable. How hard it is to acknowledge that it might be the last time, and even for me, it was hard to perceive.

[00:10:31] At the end of the day, I was driving back. To my parents' house and I had a conversation with God and I said to God, like, I cannot understand. I just cannot understand the frequency. I cannot understand what's going on. How come I don't feel you so present? How could it be worth speaking about a monumental moment in life?

[00:11:07] How come I don't feel you, God, as I, I would say, as I expect to. Where are you? Few minutes afterwards. I so. The car in front of me, huge letters, written something around the words where God loves you and God is with you, and everything's gonna be okay, and he's just gonna get better and better, and it's gonna be amazing.

[00:11:38] And I remember looking at this sentence. With huge letters on the car in front of me saying to God, really this like this? This is what you're bringing.

[00:11:56] At the day of her death, I went to be with her.

[00:12:04] I don't know if she could see me or feel me. Maybe for a glimpse of a second I could see that she is somewhere from somewhere looking at me.

[00:12:17] I couldn't do. Any of my obligations. I managed to do one meeting that I had to, and then I felt a calling. I just, I was with her all day, sitting next to her and holding her hand from time to time and acknowledging the life that we had together.

[00:12:43] And there was a moment where I felt like, okay, I'm gonna sit with my team. They had a meeting. I said, I'm gonna join the meeting. And very shortly after being with them, I had to, I just felt I had to leave and go back and sit with her. And somehow I felt.

[00:13:08] It's the time to just say what there is to say.

[00:13:13] I was holding her hand while. Telepathically. I was speaking with her, but I felt that was such a loud conversation and I don't know from where I had the powers to say, but it just gave her back so many of the things that. I copied from her aura, which were not mine, but hers, and I said to her, I don't want that.

[00:13:53] The frustration, the bitterness. The fearfulness, the loss of esteem, the so many things I've done so much more work. I worked on myself, I worked on our relationship. I worked on femininity. I worked on mother and daughter relationship. I don't wanna have that anymore. I'm giving that back to you. Thank you.

[00:14:25] Thank you for everything I've learned from it and I'm giving it back to you. And then I said, what I'm willing to continue, what I'm willing to work on, what I'm willing to become aware of even more, what I'm willing to do. Like what is, what I'm, what are the things that I'm really grateful for? The things that. She really modeled in such a beautiful way.

[00:14:58] I truly do not know so much about my mother as she was never sharing. I could only imagine the life that she had. Before I came into her life, I can only imagine, and I had to learn to imagine it. So I will truly be able to see her and accept her as a human. Cause there is certain point where. Being a mother can be a burden, and I wanted to give her freedom I wanted her to. Be free to be who she is.

[00:15:51] That work that moment in that period in my life where I've learned to see her without request, without the mans, they say that a child is coming to this world loving their parents in an unconditional love. But then somehow this love becomes so conditioned, how your mother supposed to speak with you to behave, to understand, to support, to empower power, to really be perfect, which is impossible. Truly impossible. My relationship with my mother were really not easy. I was physically, constantly, repeatedly for years. Harmed by her behavior, but I had to liberate myself and I had to liberate her. I've learned how to love her unconditionally. Such a process, but at that moment, I could feel, and I can still feel, one month after, one month after there's no burden. From our relationship, there's an acknowledgement of what was there and what was not there. The sadness of what was there and of what wasn't there. But there's no guilt. No shame. No blame at that moment. While she was maybe 2% here, we reorganized the heritage so we can both be free. I kept sitting next to her. And from time to time dealing with things that I had to deal with,

[00:18:26] I remember that I was touching her hand and the hand started to be a little bit cold. From time to time I was calling the angels to be in this room to be present. To support to make sure that she ascend in the most beautiful and smooth and full and complete way with full respect. And from other moments, I was kept in some things that I had to take care of my child, my husband,

[00:19:04] and then there was a moment where I felt like. I had like a bowel movement and I was wondering how am I gonna leave the room? 'cause there was so much, my bags were there and I was sitting next to her bed. My bag was on one side. And without stepping out of the chair, I just took my bags from the left side to the right side.

[00:19:33] So I'll feel comfortable to leave the room for a moment. And I touched my phone, was on the table, wondering if to take it or not, and I decided that I just gonna leave it and leave the room. And then I looked at her and there was an exhale.

[00:20:00] And there were no inhale, and this is it. The empire of who she was ended, completed like that. I stayed a few moments, maybe a minute, maybe two. I don't really know. In that space, looking at her bursting into tears.

[00:20:36] With one of the most exquisite, I would say, experience of gratitude and forgiveness of the life she gave me. Of the life she had for the life she gave me and for the life she had, I couldn't feel her presence out of her body. This is one of the reasons why I feel that she was actually dec for. So long, probably for few months, she was releasing pieces and pieces of her soul until the one or two last percentage left.

[00:21:29] Certain point. I went out of the room and. I looked into the nurse eyes and she understood and followed me to my mother bed and looked at me. Went to call the doctor. I stayed there looking at her.

[00:21:58] The doctor came and checked and confirmed death. 17. 17.

[00:22:10] I said to myself, well, God, I wanted something assigned. 17. 17. Okay.

[00:22:24] There's so much bureaucracy to take care of. While a whole life, a symphony ended. There's so much hassle. While silent is in the room, there's so much noise, distractions.

[00:22:58] Where the whole wholeness, the Almighty is in the room.

[00:23:10] I wish I had the power to stay more. Next to her body because those little signs of the letters on the car. God is with you and it's going to be great and just better and better. Or the other beautiful sign of 1717 are honestly nothing comparing to an exhale. Nothing continue after we have an inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale, and we're living and dying and living and dying, and living and dying all day long. It was quiet. Oh, phenomenal. That 15 minutes before she passed where we were reorganizing the heritage, she had 1% of her in her body, 2% of her, but her personality was still there.

[00:24:29] I could see everything. She was still there.

[00:24:33] Once she didn't inhale anymore. There was nothing there. Nothing.

[00:24:47] Nothing was there. She was not there. It was an object, a piece of meat.

[00:25:02] The Almighty was in her. Then it left. It is in you now. God is in you. Now what else do I need? What else do we need? What else do you need? To really surrender to this presence of God, it is so much alive within you. That breath he gave you, it gave you. They gave you the way you wanna call the divine.

[00:25:47] Gave you that breath, gave you that body, gave you this life.

[00:25:57] Her personality, her issues, her self-esteem. Oh, her fearfulness, her control, her attention, her power, her beauty was there, and it is split of a second. It wasn't there. You can be so preoccupied. With life, with others, with what to do and how to do and what they will say. And if they would like it and if they would not like it, and if it is okay or not okay. Living someone else's life instead of living your life. And then one second. It'll end.

[00:26:57] You can feel disconnected, and then one second, you would really be disconnected.

[00:27:07] There's so much more to say.

[00:27:11] Thank you for listening.