EPI 68 - Don’t Shut Down, Tune In: The Hidden Habit That Hurts Your Relationships

Hey everyone, and welcome back to The Habit Within. Today, I'm diving into a topic that's been on my mind after a recent experience: the difference between stonewalling and truly stepping away when you need space in a conversation. This is something I've personally grappled with, especially in dynamics with my own family.

For a long time, I found myself defaulting to stonewalling – emotionally and physically withdrawing during conflict. It felt like a protective mechanism, a way to detach and avoid confrontation. But I've learned that while it might feel like a solution, it creates a damaging "invisible wall" in relationships, particularly with loved ones who don't understand what's happening.

In this episode, we'll uncover:

• What stonewalling really looks like – from the internal thoughts to the physical cues your body gives you.
  
  
• The nervous system's role in our automatic responses to overwhelm and conflict. I'll connect this to what I call the "fear dance" – how one person's fear response can trigger another's, creating a difficult cycle. (You can dive deeper into this in Episode 32, "The Fear Dance and Co-regulation" ).
  
  
• The crucial difference between stonewalling and stepping away with intention and clear communication.
  
  
• How to identify your personal signals that you're about to stonewall, and how to shift towards a healthier response.
  
  
• The transformative power of pausing and asking yourself if you're protecting yourself or avoiding intimacy.
  
  
• Why choosing to step away is like putting up a "bridge under repair" sign for your relationship, allowing for healing and true connection, rather than burning the bridge down.
  
  

Remember, these old patterns aren't set in stone; with awareness, they can dissolve, allowing us to build new habits of connection.

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Transcript

(0:00 - 5:07)

So today we're going to talk about the difference between stonewalling someone or stepping away because you need to recenter, ground, calm down, if you will, before you engage in a conversation with somebody again. So anytime that you're feeling overwhelmed or triggered and you just need some space, are you stonewalling that person or are you truly stepping away because you're giving yourself a break, you're giving your nervous system a break? We're going to talk about that. Welcome to The Habit Within.

This podcast is for high achieving women, 35 and older, who seem to have it all together, but feel like they're constantly running on fumes, struggling to balance it all and losing sight of the woman they used to be. I'm Camille Kinsler, a former physician assistant turned transformational coach, blending science, positive psychology, and a metaphysical approach to habits, health, and vitality. If you've ever asked yourself, why am I so exhausted even after a full night's sleep or I feel like I'm juggling so much, but I'm just barely keeping my head above water, you are in the right place.

Each week, we'll explore the real reasons behind feeling overwhelmed, trapped in the cycle of overworking and constantly running low on energy and how to break free from the patterns keeping you stuck in survival mode. It's time to stop living on autopilot and to start feeling like yourself again. Let's dive in.

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So that, that right there is my, my commercial. So let's go ahead and get into today's topic. So today we're going to talk about the difference between stonewalling someone or stepping away because you need to recenter ground, um, calm down, if you will, before you engage in a conversation with somebody again.

So anytime that you're feeling overwhelmed or triggered and you just need some space, are you stonewalling that person or are you truly stepping away because you're giving yourself a break? You're giving your nervous system a break. We're going to talk about that. But before we do, I want to mention to you why I believe this is important.

So, so often I believe in Western medicine is that we typically talk about, um, or not even just in Western medicine in any sort of like coaching practice or in habit formation, we talk about all these things that we need to do in order to get the results that we want. However, I truly believe that if your mind is telling you something differently, that if your focus is on, um, more of this nervous system response, where you're running away from your problems when, because it's your protective mechanism, or you are avoiding something, or you are telling yourself these negative stories that it affects our body. So as much as we want to take bioidentical hormones, or we want to take our fibroid medicine, or we want to take some, uh, blood pressure medicine to decrease our blood pressure or whatever it may be, even if it's homeopathy, that what can occur is that if we have these thoughts, these habits of our mind, like I like to call them, and they are habituated, they are there and we don't even recognize it, then that actually affects our body.

(5:08 - 14:35)

One way to look at this is called mind-body medicine. Another more technical term is psychoneural immunology, where we can, where our thoughts actually affect our immune system, our mitochondria even. So this is something that is very interesting to me.

It's something that I've been diving into for the past several years. So when I'm really looking at what I provide in this podcast, it truly is, how can we work on these habits of the mind? How can we pay closer attention and awareness to our behaviors, to our actions, to our thoughts, and how do those affect how we feel? So that's where this is sort of, uh, stemming from. But like always, I have these podcast episodes that all, um, that stem from something that is going on in my life.

And so this idea of stonewalling versus stepping away. So when I am in confrontation, when I am in misalignment, if you will, with one of my family members, particularly my kids or my husband, and I need to take a beat, I'm always cautious on whether I am stonewalling them. And what that means is it's a, it's a relationship term.

I'm not sure who, I think it might've come from Dr. Gottman. Not a hundred percent sure. You can look it up if it's interesting to you.

But basically it's where you withdraw from the interaction. You withdraw yourself from the interaction. So it's not that you just remove your body, but you remove your emotions.

You remove your, um, it just, everything about you just sort of shuts down from them. You become silent. You, you know, turn away from the conflict that's arising versus really wanting to get in there and lean in.

Um, and what happens is, is that it creates this invisible wall between you and the person. And so, like I mentioned, when it's more like you're withdrawing everything about you. So like energetically, emotionally, and physical, physically, you're withdrawing from that person.

Um, you're creating this wall between you and that person, which can be extremely damaging, especially when we're looking at our little kids. Now it's hurtful when it's your partner, but when it's your little kid, they don't understand what's happening. So your partner might be able to say, this is how she responds when she's triggered or an argument.

And even though it doesn't feel good and might not be the best response, like I can understand it, whatever, we'll, we'll talk soon. But with a kid, they can look at it as like, they're completely pulling away from me. They are not giving me the love and attention that I'd normally receive because I did this quote unquote bad thing or this thing that they didn't like.

So for me, I'm really sensitive between whether I'm pulling away or I'm stepping away. So that's what we're going to talk about because yeah, we, we love the people around us. And so we can only really change the way that we respond to our environment and use words and language within our relationships.

So they understand what's happening and hopefully then they will also start using this language. And my oldest has really modeled that, uh, the same language that I've been sharing with him over the years where he will often say, Hey, I need to step away. I need to, to just take a moment by myself versus running up, slamming the doors and then isolating himself.

He'll even come back and be like, Hey, is everybody chilled out yet? And so we can really talk in, in, in its practice because really earlier on that feeling, that habit of the mind of stonewalling was such something that, that I did. It was habitual. It felt good to kind of detach myself.

You know, I didn't have to get involved in this, um, in, in this, in this conflict, right? I would really just shut down. It was my nervous system response. So the other day I was with my husband and kids and we were navigating a family dynamic.

Okay. So typically this is what happens. So we, um, you know, we're at dinner, maybe we're at home having dinner or we're out at a restaurant and that is our moment to connect.

That is when I want to connect with my family, I should say. And I have three men in my life, three boys, three testosterone, I guess the little one doesn't have a lot right now, but I have, you know, three, uh, three people of the opposite sex and my three people of the opposite sex are very stereotypical when it comes to them wanting to really share their emotions and feelings with me. So with that being said, I ask, you know, how's your day? Like what's going on? Let's check in.

Let's, you know, what, what's been really funny? What made you laugh? You know, kind of questions like that. And then, so what typically happens is that one of the kids will start to say something or my husband will start to say something and then the other two will start joking around with one another. And then that causes the third one who was sharing their story to also start joking around and then it's lost.

There's no way they're coming back to sharing that interesting thing that might've happened for the day. And there are quite a few times where that triggers me. It sets me off because I feel like I'm not being heard that what I have to say doesn't matter.

And so I start getting my chest, my chest starts feeling tight. My jaw starts to lock up. My heart just feels like it's racing a little bit more.

And yeah, I mean, I just feel invisible sometimes in these scenarios. And so I can withdraw. I can go into my internal cave.

I can go quiet. I can detach myself. I can emotionally shut myself off.

So when they're trying to joke with me and involve me, I'm shut down. I'm just like, you know what? I'm, you know, they might, I mean, they see it. They energetically know that like, I'm just tuned out.

And so they try to involve me even more and more. But for me, I'm just like, it doesn't, they don't, they don't care what I have to say. You know, no one listens to me.

Why bother even having these conversations? So that's what kind of what happens when I, when I go into this stonewalling position where I isolate myself is I go into withdraw, energetic, emotional, and physical withdrawal. So what's interesting is I did a podcast episode about the fear dance. Go and check that out.

I believe it's episode 32. And it is called, oh gosh, I think how co-regulation and habitual patterns show up in your relationships or something like that. But it's really a cool way to really think about how somebody else, somebody else's fear response triggers your fear response.

And so when you're in family dynamics, how one person can respond a certain way, and that actually triggers your fear response. So you respond a certain way, and then that triggers somebody else's and they respond a certain way. It's this awful cycle that occurs.

And so that's what can happen when I stonewall, when I shut off my husband, when I emotionally detached from him, he can view that as being feeling that feeling of abandonment. And so then for him, then he can start responding his sort of way. And maybe it's being a little bit louder through anger.

And then the kids respond to him as he's being angry with them. And then they go off and their little fear response is feared in. So go check out that episode.

I really love it. And I think it can really describe how we can have these habitual family responses, you know, with our close ones. So again, like things that we do, we do them for a reason.

And stonewalling is a protective habit that I created somewhere along the way. And all a lot of us have this, this stonewalling behavior. And it's not always conscious.

So that's why we bring it up in conversations like this, because I want it to become something that becomes part of your awareness and really recognizing like, hey, is this what I am doing right now? And is this how I want to behave? But yeah, so it's really basically driven by our nervous system responding to some overwhelm, some fear dance within our environment. So when our body feels unsafe, emotionally or psychologically, then we can go into this freeze mode, this fight. So it's not like the fight or flight.

It's more of the shut down, where we disengage where we freeze. And we do because we don't want to make things worse. And we don't want to feel bad.

We don't want to have confrontation. So for many women, especially if you've grown up in environments that you weren't allowed to express your emotion, where you just had to go to your room and suck it up and come back out when you're a good girl, then that can become this automatic response. And it's completely understandable.

(14:35 - 15:50)

And it's okay for us to say like, it's fine that I respond this way in these certain situations. And I know how to change it now. I know why I do it.

And I know that I want to act differently. So how do you know if you're stonewalling, or if you're just consciously stepping away, because you need to take a couple breaths, you need to take a beat, you need to relax. So the difference is intention and communication.

So stonewalling, in my example, I just shut down without telling anybody what's going on. I avoid, I retreat. And it often creates confusion or hurt in another person or that fear dance to happen where somebody else then responds in their hurt way.

And then that causes somebody else to respond in their hurt way. Versus when I am stepping away when I just need a break, because I'm recognizing that I'm triggered by whatever interaction that's going on, then I pause. So it's more with awareness.

And I might say something like, I want to continue this, I want to be part of this really fun conversation that they're having, they're having a good time. And they just weren't wanting to connect with me in the way that I want to connect. But I can take a few moments, I can breathe, I can check in with myself.

(15:51 - 18:50)

And then I can say, hey, you guys are having so much fun. This absolutely isn't your fault, but I was feeling a little bummed because I really wanted to check in with you guys. And it just seemed like no one really wanted to share, completely understand, probably isn't the right time.

And typically, at least one of them will be like, Oh, no, mom, like what are no Camille, like, what's up, like, and then share something about their day. So that's another episode for another time where we talk about the difference between sharing the way that we're feeling versus making somebody feel guilty about the way that the scenario went down. So that's a different conversation.

If that interests you, let me know and we can talk about that. But basically, it's just the in the difference between slamming the door versus closing and gently and saying, Hey, I'll be back soon, guys, you know, let me just take a little breather. So you just need to catch yourself when you're in the act.

So really tuning into the way that your body is feeling. So the somatic cues, or clues, so that would be like a tightening in your chest, a lump in your throat, your breath gets more shallow, your shoulders get tense, your eyes might start like kind of darting around or avoiding eye contact altogether. My big one is my jaw becomes really clenched.

And another really big one for me is my mind races, it just can't stay on one thought or topic. And then some of the things you might say to yourself is like, what's the point? They don't care anyway. I'm done.

I just need to get out of here or, you know, be completely silent. And so these are some of the internal, you know, signals that you might be doing when you're stonewalling and not stepping away. So let me know if you if that any of that sounds familiar, again, without guilt or shame or judgment.

It's just the way that, you know, we've, we've learned to protect ourself. So the antidote to PA is to pause and just ask yourself, you know, am I protecting myself? Or am I avoiding intimacy? Right? Am I leaving the door open for connection, like with my kids, like, hey, like they want to include me in the fun? Or am I locking them out? When I just like stop smiling, I'm looking in one spot or looking away and my arms are crossed and I'm looking down where I'm completely shut down. And again, like, why does this matter so much? So imagine connection and a relationship like a bridge.

So stonewalling is like lighting that bridge on fire. Nothing can cross it. But stepping away to regulate your nervous system to calm down to breathe to center yourself is like putting up a sign that says, yo, this bridge is under repair, please hold, you know, you can cross later.

(18:51 - 21:02)

One leaves the relationship in the state of absolute damage and the other one really creates space for healing and really true connection because you are able to express what you are feeling in that moment. So the next time that you feel yourself shutting down, just ask yourself, maybe if this seems right for you, if you're stonewalling or if you're stepping away, tune into your body, tune into your story, tune into your breath, tune into whatever thought patterns you're having and give yourself some grace. Know that these are old patterns.

You're welcome to dig deeper into them, but you don't have to, which is so great about this, about just bringing these things to awareness, because once we put awareness on them, they can easily or more easily dissolve away. But yeah, they're not, yeah, these, these, um, these old patterns are not set in stone. They're little pavers that you can move around and you can create new habits with connection, with connecting with yourself first, and then going back to the, the person in which you had conflict.

So if this landed for you, then check out episode 32, the fear dance and co-regulation. Again, I can't really remember the name, but I have labeled all of my episodes. I have numbered them.

So check out episode 32 and it will deepen your understanding of how our nervous system and habits dance together in relationship. Okay. So yay.

Um, share this with somebody that you love. Um, and doesn't mean that they're stonewallers, but I think it can be a good way to have a conversation and to build that bridge and have the community, the same language that you would like to communicate to them with. So until next time, breathe, trust, and stay in the habit of coming home to yourself.

And as always, I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I enjoyed creating it for you. The world needs the vibrance and wisdom of a woman's intuition to help heal the world. When we learn to trust ourselves through leaning into and through discomfort, we learn to trust ourselves and in that space is our power and clarity.