Victoria Chai on Mastering Public Speaking to Transform Confidence

Join Penny Fitzgerald as she interviews Victoria Chai, a communications coach and owner of Chai Connections Coaching and Consulting. Victoria shares her journey from cultural experiences in Japan to empowering female entrepreneurs to find their authentic voice and communicate with confidence. They discuss overcoming the fear of public speaking, developing effective communication skills, and navigating social interactions and networking events. Victoria also provides valuable tips for business owners on electronic communication and building muscle memory for better speaking skills. Don't miss out on learning how to shift your business from selling to serving and discover new ways to grow your entrepreneurial journey!

https://www.instagram.com/victoriachai1/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/the.communication.sandbox 

00:00 Introduction to Victoria Chai and Her Mission

01:52 Victoria's Journey: From Japan to Coaching

03:33 Overcoming Public Speaking Fears

04:52 The Importance of Practice and Muscle Memory

07:55 Embracing Imperfection in Communication

17:08 Cultural Differences in Communication

21:29 Victoria's Current Offerings and Workshops

28:36 Practicing Your Elevator Pitch

30:20 The Importance of Feedback

31:11 Adapting Language for Different Audiences

32:33 Creating a Learning Environment

40:52 Handling Social Interactions and Networking

46:04 Favorite Cocktails and Personal Preferences

48:57 Conclusion and Contact Information

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Transcript

Victoria Chai on Gaining Confidence through Mastering Public Speaking

[00:00:00] Penny Fitzgerald: Victoria Chai, owner of Chai Connections Coaching and Consulting, is a communications coach who teaches and mentors people in developing better communication skills that lead to greater confidence. She discusses how she came to her career and some interesting twists and turns as she navigated cultural differences while in Japan.

[00:00:57] Victoria and I discussed how she works predominantly with female entrepreneurs too. And that they often have a fear holding them back. I hear this over and over again in my conversations.We don't pursue a dream or we don't make the progress we'd like because we're afraid.

[00:01:13] Afraid of looking or sounding stupid, or we don't like the sound of our own voice, or the way we look on camera. We are our own worst critics. Would you talk to your bestie the way you talk to or think about yourself? I've heard some even say, why would anyone want to hear my opinion or ideas? This absolutely breaks my heart.

[00:01:34] Your story is worth telling. You're worth listening to. You matter. Victoria's mission is to help you find your authentic voice so you can communicate more effectively and gain confidence. I'm all for it. Here is Victoria Chai.

[00:01:52] Audio Only - All Participants: Hi Penny. 

[00:01:54] Penny Fitzgerald: Victoria, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Good, thanks. I love your profile picture.

[00:02:06] Victoria Chai: It's a picture my husband took of me. 

[00:02:08] Penny Fitzgerald: Oh, very nice. Thanks. 

[00:02:09] Victoria Chai: Yeah, yeah. 

[00:02:10] Penny Fitzgerald: At the beach. 

[00:02:12] Victoria Chai: I love the beach. 

[00:02:13] Penny Fitzgerald: Me too. 

[00:02:15] Victoria Chai: Yeah. So, thanks for joining 

[00:02:19] Penny Fitzgerald: me this morning. 

[00:02:20] Victoria Chai: Oh, my pleasure. What a joy. Thanks. 

[00:02:24] Penny Fitzgerald: Absolutely. So I. For my listeners, I just met you, um, not too long ago, a few weeks ago at a Sassy Sisters meeting and got to know you just a little bit, but tell, tell our listeners what, um, what's your business?

[00:02:39] What do you do? 

[00:02:40] Victoria Chai: Oh, okay. Sure. I am a communications coach and I work predominantly with female entrepreneurs, entrepreneurs, sorry, wrong pronunciation, entrepreneurs, um, to find their authentic voice and communicate with confidence. Very nice. 

[00:02:57] Penny Fitzgerald: Very nice. And you've, I heard you speak at one of our, uh, meetings and your background story is really interesting.

[00:03:06] You, um, you came about, well, tell us, how did you find your, your background? Job or how did it find you? 

[00:03:14] Victoria Chai: How did my job in terms of my coaching or my teaching? 

[00:03:17] Penny Fitzgerald: Um, you're well, you're coaching. You had an interesting story about your background about how you, um, we're speaking at a group and had some, a little bit of a, a learning experience that.

[00:03:32] Victoria Chai: Yes. Yes. Well, I think we're going way back to when I lived in Japan. I'm guessing that's what you're talking about. Yes. Yes. Yes. So when I was in college, my major is Japanese language and linguistics. So, I went to Japan for a year to study abroad, and then I came back and got a teaching after finishing my degree, I had a teaching position in Japan and 1 of the 1st days I ever taught, they put me.

[00:03:57] In front of a classroom, which I was okay with. I wasn't a great public speaker, but I figured, you know, students, I probably know more than them. And since I'm teaching English, I definitely know more than them. What I didn't know was everybody would be in the back of the room. The principal, the vice principal, the head teacher, the mayor of the town.

[00:04:14] And I thought I was going to pass out. And what I realized was, well, I knew things I wasn't really a great public speaker. And so what I did was I just kind of leaned up against the podium and stood there and people thought, oh, she's so cool. And I thought, yes, I'm going to drop my face. If I step away from this, and I realized that my public speaking skills were going to need a lot of work.

[00:04:38] And, uh, so I started my adventure on learning about that. One thing I did learn from that is most nervousness is not visible unless you tell people you're nervous. they have no idea. 

[00:04:49] Penny Fitzgerald: Wow. Well, that's interesting. And, and kind of like most things, the more you practice it, the better you get. 

[00:04:59] Victoria Chai: Absolutely. And one of the things that I think in terms of practice, when I think about being a good speaker of any kind, whether it's just like with you and I think about how children learn, they just speak and speak and speak, and they don't perceive it as a formal thing.

[00:05:14] And I think one of the ways that. When I work with people, which I didn't know when I was learning is that these are all muscles, right? So they have to be used just like if you're going to learn how to run or Do gymnastics or use a computer, right? It's all muscle memory. And so one of the things I learned is that, uh, if we look at it as an experimental, fun process, so let's say that, let's say, penny, I'm gonna ask you to present at my next networking meeting, and I want you to present.

[00:05:46] not just about, you know, your area of expertise, but I also want you to add in the aspect of being an entrepreneur. And so I know you're, you know, Penny for your Shots. I know that's your, your area of expertise. That's your sweet spot, but maybe discussing being an entrepreneur isn't. So what I might ask you to do as a client, I would say, Penny, I want you to put out your bullet points of what you think is connected to your your area of expertise and being an entrepreneur and helping other entrepreneurs.

[00:06:15] And then I would say, just go talk to anybody who will listen to you about this, your friends, your family, strangers in the supermarket, literally just strike a conversation because the more you use the muscles in an informal way, the easier it will be to use them in a formal way. 

[00:06:32] Penny Fitzgerald: Nice. Yeah, that makes so much sense.

[00:06:37] Yet so many things that to us are, you know, there's like the back of the hand and you take them for granted because it's what you do. It's what you've grown up doing. You've learned it. You know, our language, the skills that we have, the way we use our, uh, speech patterns. Yeah, but yeah, it's learning a new skill, 

[00:06:58] Victoria Chai: right?

[00:06:59] But not seeing it as something that's horrifying and intimidating when you say most people would rather die than go to give a speech. I hear this a lot. 

[00:07:08] Penny Fitzgerald: I'm sure you know, I've heard that too. It's hard for me to relate to because I love to talk. I love sharing stories and love to be entertaining. I guess.

[00:07:19] I don't know. I love to bring joy. 

[00:07:23] Victoria Chai: Well, I think a lot of people would love to bring joy and are just have this kind of block about what it means to be in front of an audience, whether it's on a podcast like this or in front of an audience as I did, which was a small audience at Sassy or in front of a giant audience, for example.

[00:07:39] Right. I was telling you at that presentation, I ended up doing a debate in front of like 300 people and didn't realize it would be televised. And so to get to the level where you're comfortable in all different kinds of situations, it really is the muscle memory. It's also about understanding. There is no perfect spoken experience.

[00:07:59] So whether we're doing a podcast just before I made a mistake, right? Oh, pronunciation. Sometimes I get the pronunciation of words wrong. Sometimes I stop, I get stuck. I lose my train of thought. These are all part of what makes us beautifully human, wonderfully unique and embracing that instead of saying, Oh, I shouldn't make a mistake.

[00:08:20] if you're not making mistakes, you're a robot. 

[00:08:22] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Yeah. No perfect, um, speaking experience, but no perfect experience. 

[00:08:32] Victoria Chai: Absolutely. 

[00:08:33] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I heard something a while back and it makes so much sense to me that, you know, when you think about movies that you watch or television shows that have a plot, a storyline, even in a book, you, if there's a perfect character, they're, they're, universally despised.

[00:08:54] Victoria Chai: It's very interesting that you say that because when I worked as a college professor, I used to talk about this idea of our presenting self, right? 

[00:09:02] And 

[00:09:03] particularly with zoom, one of the difficulties is we can see ourselves on camera. I shut my own view off, so I don't see myself, but we become hypercritical of ourselves.

[00:09:11] And yet they did a study, I want to say in the eighties where they took, if you put a line down your face, You have, your ears are different heights. Your eyes are different sizes. We're a little bit asymmetrical. And when you put, when you take one half and you mirror it and make the face perfect, people are uncomfortable with it.

[00:09:30] Uh huh. Yeah, I believe that. Yeah, 

[00:09:36] Penny Fitzgerald: it's, that's interesting too. We, we are our own worst critics. We don't like to see ourselves on camera. We don't like to hear our own voice. Right. And the 

[00:09:46] Victoria Chai: other thing, I'm sorry. 

[00:09:47] Penny Fitzgerald: No, that's okay. I was, I was just going to add, if you're. It's what you have to say that can lift others up that becomes important if you can focus on.

[00:09:55] that and how you're serving someone. 

[00:09:58] One thing I hear from female entrepreneurs all the time is that they don't want to feel salesy. They don't want to bug their friends and family. And they don't want to hustle and grind for sales. They may have received some bad advice telling them to post more on social media. So they post, and they post, and they post.

[00:10:20] And that doesn't feel good. So they either stop, Are inconsistent or don't convey the right message. I'm Penny Fitzgerald and I've been training women entrepreneurs for more than 18 years, leading one of the top three direct selling teams in my former company. And now I'm providing my proven language systems and tools that will help you serve your customers rather than feel like you're selling or like you're constantly working.

[00:10:45] I've put together a three day free live event to teach female entrepreneurs a radically different way of running your business. So it's not running you, a way of doing business that's in service of others. One you can be proud of, where your customers will love you, and one that helps you reach your goals.

[00:11:03] I'm holding this event starting on Monday, January 6th at 1 p. m. Eastern Time via Zoom. You can save your spot by going to my website that's pennyfoyourshots. com and click the green button at the top labeled Save My Spot. or just text the word serve to 319 448 3545. And I'll text you back that direct link.

[00:11:27] This course is normally 297, but I'm offering it to you for free. Don't miss your opportunity to shift your business from selling to serving. I hope you'll join me, and I can't wait to toast to your success. Cheers.

[00:11:44] Victoria Chai: And you're serving them by making mistakes and being okay with it as well. Right. I find that when I'm working with a client or I'm working with my students at the college, when I make a mistake and I say, Oh, there's my human showing. Isn't that fun? So then when they have to get up in front of the classroom, they're working on their own stuff.

[00:12:02] They're like, they can roll with that. They're like, Hey, I'm human. Isn't that fun? And so when you, as a human being. model a behavior of acceptance of self and acceptance of them. You create such a beautiful climate and energy, a communicative climate, uh, of a climate of humanity and, and just okay ness is such a beautiful place to be.

[00:12:32] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah, that's great. Yeah. That's, um, that's amazing. Cause it just reminds me so much of what, of, Very similar things that I teach in my classes too is that, you know, nobody, we don't have the answers. We don't, nobody has all the answers. What works for me is going to work differently for someone else. And together we'll get messy.

[00:12:57] Because. That's how we learn. That's how we grow. When we step out, you know, take a new step in a new direction, we don't know where that's going to lead yet or how that's going to feel. It's scary because it's new. So, of course, it's going to be messy. Babies don't learn how to walk and just take off and go.

[00:13:15] We fall a lot. 

[00:13:17] Victoria Chai: We fall a lot. And the thing that happens, and this is something I've, I've done a lot of research on, because I think it's an important factor in our humanity is. When we get to a certain age, whatever that age is, we think we're supposed to be done and we're supposed to know and it's that word should.

[00:13:36] I shouldn't make a mistake. I should be able to do this. I should. I should. I should. And I think anytime we use the word should it's so punitive and it leads us to an expectation that is not realizable. And so the best. Learners when I think of myself as a learner, a lifelong learner, I'm still learning is to have what we call the beginner mind and to say, you know what?

[00:14:03] Everything is part of my journey and so if I'm, let's say I'm with you and we're talking about, um, I'm going to have a party and I'm, and I'm looking for different cocktails. And one of the things you had asked me for this was what's my favorite cocktail. And I said, I know what's in it, but I don't know what it's called.

[00:14:21] So I went online and I looked at what it was called because I don't know. I'm not an expert. Right. And then he was saying, which wine do you like? And I'm like, I know the label. I don't know how to say the name, you know, and I'm like, yeah, look it up. And I'm thinking, you know what? I can't know all this.

[00:14:37] This is not my expertise. The consumer. I'm not an expert, and to think we're going to be an expert at everything, or we're going to be perfect at something, is to leave us without the ability for experimentation. 

[00:14:51] Penny Fitzgerald: Yes. Yeah. Without the ability to grow. 

[00:14:55] Victoria Chai: Yeah, and so when I think about, you know, us as sisters, because we are, we're sassy sisters, but we are sisters in life, and if we're going to uplift one another, we not only have to be upsetting of others.

[00:15:09] and their quirks and foibles, but our own as well. Right. And to see the humor in it. I told that story at the thing and I said, I had all these index cards. I had 20 some odd index cards. I dropped them and I had not numbered them. Yeah. I'm on television. I'm in a giant auditorium and all I can think is, well, that's not going to work.

[00:15:33] So I got up and I thought, well, some of this, I remember some of it. I don't, I'm going to learn something. And people will learn something, you know, not to say that I wasn't nervous as well, because I absolutely was, but I learned a lot from that. And anytime I have notes now, I always number my pages.

[00:15:50] That's a good pro tip right 

[00:15:51] Penny Fitzgerald: there.

[00:15:55] Oh my gosh, that's so cool. So you were in Japan, pivoting a little bit here, you were in Japan for how long were you there? 

[00:16:05] Victoria Chai: I was there one year as a student at a university. I lived in Nagoya, which is between Osaka and Tokyo. And then I was there for three years as a teacher in a tiny town with no train station where I lived.

[00:16:20] It was, they gave me a house because they could. And next to my house, I was surrounded by rice paddies. And I rode a bicycle through Tokyo. work every day and I'd get out and there'd be little tiny frogs on my handlebars and I'd bump and then I'd ride my bicycle to work and you know it was an amazing wondrous experience.

[00:16:40] Just to, and that opens your mind too, right? Because you're going to be wrong. Even though I spoke Japanese before I went, I was not, um, what they call, I wasn't bilingual. I was fluent, but not bilingual. Okay. So I could have a conversation, but I couldn't read a newspaper. I couldn't have a technical discussion.

[00:17:00] So over those three years I became bilingual, but in that first year I had a lot of misunderstandings. Well, it's not just the language, it's the culture too. And language is culture, how we use language is culture, right? And so the idea of, when I think about like our networking events here in the United States, and then a networking event in Japan is very different.

[00:17:25] Penny Fitzgerald: Mm. Right. You mentioned the eye contact thing, right? 

[00:17:28] Victoria Chai: Yes. Yes. So, well, not in a, not in a networking event at a party, it would be different, but students wouldn't look at me because that would be rude. Yeah. 

[00:17:40] Penny Fitzgerald: Talk about room for misunderstanding. 

[00:17:43] Victoria Chai: Yes. And I find that when people who come here as immigrants or visitors, you know, internationals, They're trying to use their best polite behavior with us, which we might perceive as the most impolite behavior, right?

[00:17:59] And so even as Americans even here in Sarasota in Florida and certainly in New York where I came from You're meeting people from all over the world, right? So instead of thinking oh, they're rude perhaps it might be in our best interest to think I wonder what that means to them 

[00:18:15] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah to get curious and ask a question 

[00:18:18] Victoria Chai: Yeah.

[00:18:19] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Or 

[00:18:19] Victoria Chai: just be open minded, right? Yeah. 

[00:18:21] Penny Fitzgerald: Right. 

[00:18:22] Victoria Chai: Yeah. 

[00:18:23] Penny Fitzgerald: Right. Not necessarily asking a question of them, but even of ourselves, like, why am I reacting in this way? 

[00:18:28] Victoria Chai: Yes. And, and I understand this cultural mores. I mean, we think, often think in the United States, we expect 80 to 90 percent eye contact and when we don't have eye contact, we think one of several things.

[00:18:40] One, they're lying. Yeah. Two, they're shifty. They're sneaky. Three, they aren't confident. Yeah, they don't care when it's the most polite behavior you can have. 

[00:18:57] Penny Fitzgerald: Wow. Yeah, that really, that really shifts your mindset when you realize that. Absolutely. Wow. Okay. So you, you taught, um, you talked over in Japan and you were also a university professor here in the States.

[00:19:13] Victoria Chai: Yes, yes. So I worked at NASA community college full time as a linguistics and communications professor. I retired from there almost 2 years ago. And that's when I started my own business because we had an opportunity to move to Sarasota. Who could ever say no to that? Right. And I thought, okay, this is my pivot time.

[00:19:36] This is what I'm going to take everything I know and and. Create something that I love even more than teaching in the college because teaching in a college is wonderful, and there's a lot of bureaucracy there. So while I'm learning a lot, and you know, as, you know, a business owner, you have to learn a lot about things you never knew before, there is a, an incredible amount of freedom and experimentation and exploration that can happen.

[00:20:02] And even speaking of that, you know, I gave, I had a workshop a month ago and out of that, I came up with a new program because people said, Hey, I'd like to learn this. And I thought, well, I wouldn't have that freedom at the college. Right. 

[00:20:15] Penny Fitzgerald: Right. You'd have to run it by several people probably. 

[00:20:18] Victoria Chai: And the state of New York.

[00:20:20] Penny Fitzgerald: Oh my gosh. Yeah. So Yeah, there's a great freedom. That's true. Yeah. Being your own boss, being, you know, owning your own company, being an entrepreneur, there's, it's risky. I mean, some people are afraid of that, but that freedom, there's nothing like it. And with action, you know, when you take those actions, like you said, you had that, That course that you taught a month or workshop that you had a month ago and it led to something new.

[00:20:50] So that action provided some clarity on what your people want and need. 

[00:20:55] Victoria Chai: Absolutely. And it's really fun because I'm meeting so many people. I've only been in Florida now in Sarasota full time for about a little over a year. And so I'm meeting so many people like you through networking events like Sassy Sisters.

[00:21:10] And I'm learning about what the culture here, cause every state has its own culture, every city has its own culture, every group has its own culture. So I'm learning a lot about what those people's interests are and what they need and how I can serve in that way. Nice. 

[00:21:29] Penny Fitzgerald: So tell us a little bit about what you're offering now.

[00:21:32] Like, what are some of the courses and workshops that you do? 

[00:21:35] Victoria Chai: Okay. So, well, I'm, I held a workshop last month, this month in November. I'm holding a workshop on the 19th, which is next week at, um, Fin and Tonic, which I'm going to do a little bit of the same and a little bit different. What I worked with those women on initially was their elevator pitch, because we have to introduce ourselves and it often feels awkward and we don't know what to say and to make it interesting, not just for others, but for ourself, because if you feel good about what you're saying, you're interesting then.

[00:22:03] if you're interested, you're interesting. If you're bored, you're boring. Right? So I switch it up. People think, Oh, I have my, I have my phrase. I have my, my statement. Change it up. Have fun with it. You know, so I have them mess around with that. Then the next thing that I'm, I'm doing this, uh, coming next week is I'm not only going to work on their elevator pitch, I'm going to work on what we call their non verbals and their power language, volume, pitch, posture, eye contact, things like that.

[00:22:32] So I'm going to add that. And then in the following months for the rest of 2025, I've got my plan set up. I'm going to have a monthly in person networking where we work on different aspects and I'll, I'm really going to take the. the temperature of the audience and see what do they want to do next. 

[00:22:46] Penny Fitzgerald: Nice.

[00:22:47] Victoria Chai: Also having a monthly online workshop for those people who are not in Sarasota or can't make it. You know, I heard from several of our sisters and they can't go out at night. They have kids, they have families, you know, but maybe they could do a Zoom. So I'm working on some new Zoom workshops and networking events.

[00:23:04] And again, I'm taking the temperature of the audience there. So the one that I'm having in December, which is on the 12th, I'm having that one. And we're going to discuss. Electronic communication for business. So emailing versus DMing versus texting, voice messaging on DMs, voice messaging on the phone, how to do it, because you can have the same message in six different places, they need to be different in some way, in terms of length, in terms of vocabulary, in terms of formality.

[00:23:35] So we're going to navigate that and do a little experimenting with a message we want to send out. We'll look at all of those. Aspects and how to do it best in each area. 

[00:23:44] Penny Fitzgerald: Nice. Yeah. Even among social media platforms, the tone is different. The, the style and delivery is different. Yes. It can be daunting for business owners.

[00:23:56] Victoria Chai: Yes. I think it's, well, I'm certainly an example of that because I didn't use social media until about a year and a half ago. 

[00:24:02] Penny Fitzgerald: Oh my gosh. 

[00:24:04] Victoria Chai: So I had to learn it all. And I went out and got coaches and teachers because I realized that if I was going to try to do this myself, I was going down and going down fast.

[00:24:14] So like I said, I wish I'd had coaching or, or teaching about public speaking before I started my journey because it took me a long time. 15 years to get to where I was because I was doing it on my own. When you have somebody who can guide you and lead you, things go way faster. So I, I worked with people to help me to learn how to do that.

[00:24:34] I'm actually taking, I'm starting a course soon about how to use AI to help me to do that. 

[00:24:40] Penny Fitzgerald: Yes. 

[00:24:41] Victoria Chai: So I'm looking forward to that. 

[00:24:43] Penny Fitzgerald: That's very good. Yeah. There are so many new tools and new tools come become available all the time. Things change, the algorithms shift. 

[00:24:52] Victoria Chai: Absolutely. Yeah. So I mean, that's part of being a lifelong learner.

[00:24:57] And if you can open your mind, you can roll with it. Right. And if you think, but I learned that already, or I know once we say, I know we block ourselves off from learning more things. And when we open our minds and say, Oh, I didn't think of that, or, Oh, that's a different way to look at it. We give ourselves the opportunity to learn something.

[00:25:17] We might be, that might be a value to us. Now, we don't have to take everything wholesale. You know that, I know that. I get a lot of input from a lot of people and I might say, Oh yes, this is something I'm going to embrace. This is something I'm going to either put on the back burner or no, that's not for me.

[00:25:32] But without the ability to open your mind and listen, you don't even have that opportunity. Right, 

[00:25:38] Penny Fitzgerald: right. You're either green and growing or dead and dying. That 

[00:25:42] Victoria Chai: is a beautiful way to put that. I never thought of it that way. I 

[00:25:45] Penny Fitzgerald: forget where I heard that, but that's a good one. No, I like that. Yeah. You know, and, you know, maybe we go through dormant times too, where we're full.

[00:25:58] Victoria Chai: Yes. I, I was talking about that with somebody recently, one of my coaches, um, cause I'm working with two different coaches right now for my business, because remember, this is all new to me. I need someone to help me do the business part of it. The communications part, I'm an expert. I got it. You know, 

[00:26:14] Audio Only - All Participants: I 

[00:26:15] Victoria Chai: got that.

[00:26:16] Not that I'm not still learning, but at least, you know, my basic stuff, I can have a conversation. A lot of the business stuff is new to me and, and like I said, I was on a call and I said, okay, I just hit saturation point. I am not going to process any new information today. Can we just stop and give me some like percolation time because I can feel myself shutting down.

[00:26:41] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Yep. That overwhelm starts to set in and you just need to reset. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that way too. Yeah. Some days, you know, you feel that it's fear. It's our brains trying to keep us safe and comfortable and not moving forward, but, but yeah, sometimes you just need to reset. So, you know, take a deep, take a deep breath, sit in silence for a moment, do a little meditation maybe, or just go outside and feel the sunshine on your face.

[00:27:07] Victoria Chai: Yes. Yes. And I think that's something that I've learned. working for my own business because when I was at the college, I would walk from building to building between classes. And now, I'm in the same room most of the day, and so I have to build in mental health breaks. Like you said, I'm outside, I walk the dogs, I have a cup of tea, you know, get some sun, um, vitamin D for three minutes.

[00:27:36] It's something to kick, to restart me and I meditate as well. 

[00:27:40] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Cool. Yeah. I love that. I feel like so it's so important. It's like an exercise for your brain. 

[00:27:46] Victoria Chai: It really is. But it's not even an, and to me it's an exercise, but it's also, I feel like if you've ever defragmented a computer. I feel like that happens when I meditate, like thoughts are around and I feel like everything's just sort of putting itself in order.

[00:28:03] And once it's in order, I'm like, yeah, rejoined the living world. 

[00:28:08] Penny Fitzgerald: Yes, exactly. That's a very good way to describe it. And an untangling of those thoughts and like seeing them and then yeah, being able to breathe. 

[00:28:19] Victoria Chai: Yes, absolutely. 

[00:28:21] Penny Fitzgerald: I love it.

[00:28:28] Okay. So I'm, I'm super excited to take your class on your workshop on Tuesday. Awesome. And I love the, I love your format for it. It's, um, you're teaching and then we're practicing together 

[00:28:43] Audio Only - All Participants: in 

[00:28:43] Penny Fitzgerald: a very non threatening way 

[00:28:46] Audio Only - All Participants: and 

[00:28:48] Penny Fitzgerald: a very practical, um, you know, results oriented way. I love that. 

[00:28:53] Victoria Chai: Yeah, again, it's that muscle memory, right, Penny?

[00:28:56] So, if I have you rewrite your elevator pitch, whatever we're going to call it, 30 second commercial, you know, if I have you rewrite that, and what I found last time, which you're gonna laugh, and when you're there, you might do this too, what we write looks good. And can we say easily is not, it doesn't always translate into spoken language, right?

[00:29:18] Written language. So I wrote one that sounded so good. And when I tried to say it, I was like, you know, it didn't really. And so then I knew I had to rewrite it. And while I rewrite mine about monthly, just because I'm keeping myself engaged, I need to be interested in it. I need to feel excited to talk to you about what I'm talking about.

[00:29:39] And so what I said to you just. Today, when I said I work with female entrepreneurs to find their authentic voice and communicate with confidence. That's my latest one. It was like 7 or 8 words longer. The 1st time I wrote it and I couldn't say it in 1 breath by the end of it. Right? So the workshop is. I have everybody at the same time say it out loud there.

[00:30:04] So nobody's listening to anybody. You're just saying it to see if it works in this vocal track. Does your tongue feel good with that? Does it hurt your lips? All of that. Right. And if you find yourself stuck, then maybe we want to change the verbiage. Yeah. And then when you do the speed networking after I give you time to talk to each other about how it resonated.

[00:30:26] Oh, that's great. Right. Because we don't always know how other people resonate with what we say. It feels good to us. 

[00:30:32] Penny Fitzgerald: Uh huh. 

[00:30:32] Victoria Chai: You know, I don't. We 

[00:30:33] Penny Fitzgerald: understand. Yeah. 

[00:30:35] Victoria Chai: But nobody else because meanings are in people. And we need meanings and feelings about the words we use. So does somebody else understand it?

[00:30:43] Right. Right. We might use our, 

[00:30:45] Penny Fitzgerald: uh, like industry language too, like just the jargon. Yeah. 

[00:30:50] Victoria Chai: Oh yeah. Yeah. And when we use jargon, that's great if you're in a group of people who are in your same field, but you probably don't need that phrasing anyway. You probably don't need to explain it to them. So again, we might have different.

[00:31:02] language that we use in different settings, and that is communicatively competent people do. They know what words to use when they're with different people. I often use a really simplistic um, example, Penny, and one of them I might say is, if I'm with my three year old nephew, and I say to him, Oh, do you need to go potty?

[00:31:21] That's appropriate. Penny, if I say to you, do you need to go potty? You think, Oh, Victoria, what happening? Something's wrong. It don't 

[00:31:30] Penny Fitzgerald: work. Right? I'd 

[00:31:32] Victoria Chai: probably 

[00:31:32] Penny Fitzgerald: say, Oh, you get me so much, 

[00:31:36] Victoria Chai: but it's true. We understand the language that we use in normal conversation. However, when we get into a more formal situation, we choke sometimes because we haven't practiced it.

[00:31:45] We haven't thought about it. So it's not, it's a way for you to construct a new phrasing that you're interested in, that you resonates with you and then test it out on people, learn your muscle memory and kind of feel it out. And you might get feedback from somebody who says, Yeah, I love that. And then somebody else might say, I don't understand, but it's good to know.

[00:32:06] Penny Fitzgerald: Very good. That's great feedback. It's all interpreting data and not using your emotion to guide. I mean, we have a great intuition, especially as women. I feel like we really, you know, we can, We can intuit a lot of things, but then verify it with data and with feedback. 

[00:32:25] Victoria Chai: Yes. What also it's that open mindedness.

[00:32:27] It's that beginning to allow for feedback without feeling defensive, right? If I create a learning environment, and it's funny because I was at a networking event yesterday and people kept calling it a class. And I kept saying, it's not a class. It's a workshop, but they felt like it was a class because they were open to learning.

[00:32:46] And I really think that's indicative of the feeling they got. So it was a place of experimentation and acceptance, right in a class. We expect to learn and we expect to be wrong. So if you want to call it a class, that's fine. Again, that's that nomenclature. However, on the other hand. If we can say to ourselves, I'm going to get feedback and I'm open to it because I want to rock the 30 second commercial, I might go to an event.

[00:33:13] So I'm going to really listen to everything everyone says to me. And again, you don't take everything wholesale. You might say to somebody, I could see how you'd feel that way. I think I'm still going to stick with it. You know, if nine out of 10 people say it rocks. I might stick with it. Right. If 10 people say, I have no idea what you're talking about.

[00:33:33] To go back to the drawing board. Exactly. 

[00:33:37] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, for me, It's to take the emotion out of it. The easiest way for me is to think, okay, this isn't about me. It's, you know, I'm top telling you what I do or how, who I am or what I, how I serve, but the ultimate is I'm serving you, or that's my goal is to serve you.

[00:34:01] So you tell me, does it work? Is that, is that beneficial to you? Do you hear, are you understanding what I'm saying? How I'm trying to serve you and what, is that what you need? What do you need that's different than what I'm saying? So, yeah, that's. For me, that's very helpful to think of what's my end purpose here and that's to serve others.

[00:34:24] So not to be, I'm doing this thing now. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, you're 

[00:34:29] Victoria Chai: the king of the world and it's pulling the ego out and it's also about understanding that the workshop is the workshop. When you're in a truly professional situation where you're talking to a potential client, 

[00:34:42] Penny Fitzgerald: I 

[00:34:43] Victoria Chai: don't know if I want to be asking them if they like my 30 second commercial.

[00:34:47] Oh, yeah. I don't want to have that to happen. However, I might say, if I'm, let's pretend I'm doing it again and I, and I say to you, Penny, I help female entrepreneurs to find their authentic boy voice and step into their confidence, you know, what do you think about that? I'm giving you an opening to question me.

[00:35:12] Yeah, right. And so you might say, well, what does that mean? Find their authentic voice. And then that gives me an opportunity to explain that. Right. Um, another thing I do, although it's not necessarily with the 30 second commercial or whatever, if I'm at a presentation, let's say I'm presenting to. Um, a group of people, one of my goals is to work with the different hospitality industries here to help their employees to communicate in a way that's effective, because I think that's a valuable resource.

[00:35:42] It's brilliant. Yeah. And so if I'm speaking to a group of people and even with my students, because I still teach part time on zoom, which is really fun at the end of my statement, I will say, was I clear in explaining that? And if I wasn't, how can I help you to understand? I never say, do you understand?

[00:36:01] Because that's what's the onus of responsibility on them. And it helps. And that creates a defensive climate, right? So I take responsibility for the clarity. 

[00:36:13] Penny Fitzgerald: That's amazing. It's human, but 

[00:36:17] Victoria Chai: it opens, it's an open versus a closed fist. Like, did you understand? It feels very attacking. Yeah. Like there's a big difference and people don't like to say they don't understand.

[00:36:31] Penny Fitzgerald: No, no, that's, um, yeah, it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. Yeah. That's not in service. If it doesn't feel good. 

[00:36:42] Victoria Chai: Do you want to hear a funny story about that? 

[00:36:44] Penny Fitzgerald: Absolutely. 

[00:36:45] Victoria Chai: Okay. So. I've been to grad school a couple of times and I started a new program when I got back to New York. So I had a linguistics degree, but not a communications degree.

[00:36:57] And I wanted to be able to do communication. So, I went to grad school and I began, we began our 1st class. We were the 1st cohort at Hofstra University for the rhetoric program and our professor, Professor Sobnowski. I'll never forget him. Love that guy. If you ever get to take a class with him, please do it.

[00:37:12] He is the most eloquent and erudite and Kierkegaard vocabulary dude I've ever met. He was using words I had never heard before. Now I'm well read, but I didn't know what was going on. So there's nine of us in this class, all graduate students, all professionals already in the, in the industry. And he said something and I raised my hand and I said, Professor Sabnowski, I don't know what that word means.

[00:37:37] And the rest of 

[00:37:38] them 

[00:37:39] went. And so he explained it to me, he's going on and on. And I said, Professor Sabnowski, I don't know what that word means. They're looking at me, he explains it to me. It happened seven or eight times during this three hour class that he used vocabulary I didn't know, and I am comfortable enough saying I don't understand because I'm perfectly okay with that.

[00:38:00] So the class ends, and I leave the class, the professor leaves, And all the students come up and they're like, Thank God you asked. None of us knew what he was talking about. Yeah. And yet they would not have asked. Yeah. So that's that. That fear that filter that blocks us from asking. So if then I thought, well, if I'm in an educator position, if I'm going to flip the script, now I'm going to be the teacher.

[00:38:28] Now I'm the coach. I need to open the floor. And that was how I came up with that phrasing. I thought, how can I invite people to ask? And that was where 

[00:38:39] Penny Fitzgerald: that came from. Nice. I thought maybe he was messing with you for a minute. No, 

[00:38:44] Victoria Chai: no, he has. And to listen to this man talk is to like, to listen to poetry for three hours.

[00:38:50] I mean, what a beautiful speaker. He's just, he's just so academic, you know, when you talk to academicians, they often use what I call the 30, 40 words early, because I feel like I block people out by doing that. I know a lot of words, but I don't know all the words, but I don't use them very much. 

[00:39:11] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah, yeah, it's 1 thing to read a text and understand what you're reading.

[00:39:16] It's another to. Use it in everyday language. 

[00:39:21] Victoria Chai: Yeah. And it comes, and it was a classroom and it was a place to be educated. And I understand that. Not, I, I have no problem with the language I use. Cause I learned so much from this man, both vocabulary and about rhetoric and about being that kind of an educator that, you know, linguistics, which is very sciency.

[00:39:40] And I think it's also important to realize that in different situations, just like I don't generally say to my adult friends, do you need to go potty? I don't use really, really complicated vocabulary in a general conversation. 

[00:39:53] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm, you know, I was in corporate a long time and I just, um, more casual than that.

[00:40:04] And just, I don't know, I use everyday language and, you know, love to be stretched, but I'm, yeah, I'm not going to use, you know, A 30 word, a 5 one. 

[00:40:17] Victoria Chai: I'm completely in agree with you. I think that when we speak, if our goal is for the other person to understand us. then it's not about us. It's about them. 

[00:40:26] Penny Fitzgerald: That's right.

[00:40:28] That's right. 

[00:40:30] Victoria Chai: So, I mean, if you can hear yourself talk, stay home talking to me. 

[00:40:35] Penny Fitzgerald: Talk to your kitty. 

[00:40:37] Victoria Chai: My dogs sleep when I talk. I don't know what that means. 

[00:40:40] Penny Fitzgerald: They love the sound of your voice. I'm so 

[00:40:43] Victoria Chai: soothing. Yes, 

[00:40:45] Penny Fitzgerald: exactly. Oh, mama's home.

[00:40:51] Oh gosh. Well, what have I not asked you that you would love to share with my audience? 

[00:40:56] Victoria Chai: What have you not asked me? Goodness gracious. Well, one of the things that I thought it would be interesting to speak to your audience about, because you're, you know, Penny for your Shots, right? And one thing I have worked with many clients on is social interaction.

[00:41:14] How to be comfortable in a social situation. So can I give a tip about that? Sure. Okay. So I've worked with many people who are uncomfortable at parties, and I think parties, networking events, parties, cocktail hour, things like that. Not that you have to drink at them, because I don't usually drink if I go to a networking event.

[00:41:38] I drink an iced tea. I don't drink a cocktail. I drink a mocktail or I drink something like that. That's my personal choice. However, to learn how to navigate that particular kind of social thing is daunting to many people because you're walking to a room of people you mostly don't know. Right. And so how can we make it easier?

[00:41:58] easier and comfortable for ourselves. So I have a several step process that I'll go through very quickly if you're okay with that. Sure. So the first time I started to do this, I was with my husband who's in the corporate world, works for a big bank, JPMorgan Chase, and I would go to these networking events where there were hundreds of people.

[00:42:19] Now I'm excellent in the classroom, I'm excellent as a teacher, but put me in a room full of 300 people I don't know and I'm supposed to make small talk with them. I want to go home. I want to read a book. I'm hiding in the bathroom. So what I started to do was I went with him to all the different things, and I just started to observe what the conversations were about.

[00:42:40] So I went to one or two events where I didn't feel like I needed to talk to anybody, or I just introduced myself. And I realized what they generally talked about outside of work, which I couldn't speak about, was, Um, their sporting events, popular culture things, and things that were happening around town.

[00:43:01] So then, after I went to one or two events, I started to study. I made like a little list of things. So I'd watch some news. I don't generally watch TV. I'd watch some news. My husband and I started watching two programs that were very popular, so I could talk to them about that. And I would choose one or two things that were happening in the community.

[00:43:20] So I'd go in like with a cheat sheet, like a post it note of these three or four items that I could talk about. 

[00:43:26] Penny Fitzgerald: Uh huh. 

[00:43:27] Victoria Chai: And so I would say, okay, on the first one, I'm going to talk to one new person and I'm going to try to incorporate one of these things. 

[00:43:33] Penny Fitzgerald: Oh, wow. 

[00:43:34] Victoria Chai: That was my goal. So I went in and I was successful.

[00:43:38] And the next time I said, okay, now I'm going to talk to two people and now I can do it. But we, we often think that we should be able to go to some social event and become the life of the party out of the gate. Now I'm still not the life of the party, but I am comfortable. 

[00:43:54] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. you want to become when you're comfortable, you can get out of your head and just have a conversation and get to know someone.

[00:44:01] Victoria Chai: Yes. So the first couple of times you kind of go in as the observer, like an alien in a foreign language, like what do these people normally talk about? What do they do? Just get curious. Yeah. Get curious. Um, and I think that makes going to networking events. I think it makes going to parties so much less intimidating.

[00:44:21] And it's a 

[00:44:22] really good tip. 

[00:44:23] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. That's very interesting that when you said you had a tip for networking events back in my corporate days, um, I didn't know anything about wine. I didn't know anything about golf, but I realized in my corporate job that you needed to know how to order a wine at dinner.

[00:44:46] And she needed to go out. If you wanted to make connections, you were out on the golf course, because that's where all the guys that were in my industry were. There were very few women. So I learned to golf and learned about wine because I needed to be able to converse about these things. Yeah. 

[00:45:03] Victoria Chai: Yeah, it's, it's.

[00:45:04] Not everything's going to be natural. Communication skills are not natural. I learned everything you're seeing today. If you'd met me when I was 20, I would never be doing this. 

[00:45:16] Audio Only - All Participants: Yeah, 

[00:45:17] Victoria Chai: there's so many things we can learn. And if we see it as an experiment and an adventure and an exploratory mission, It feels better.

[00:45:27] If we think, Oh, I should do this. I should be able to speak on, you know, I'm this old. I should be better at this. Then we're beating ourselves up and you're never going to do it. 

[00:45:35] Penny Fitzgerald: Yeah. Well, you've, you've probably heard the phrase. Don't should all over yourself. I 

[00:45:41] Victoria Chai: never heard that. I like that one too.

[00:45:43] Penny Fitzgerald: No. Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. It doesn't do you any good. Yeah. It doesn't serve your people. So no. Get curious. Get curious. Get open. Get playful. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Okay. So here comes the question. I'm ready. Yeah. Okay. So what was the cocktail? Did you, or what, what's in it? And let's dissect it. 

[00:46:10] Victoria Chai: So I am a wine and beer drinker for the most part.

[00:46:16] Penny Fitzgerald: Great. 

[00:46:16] Victoria Chai: I love Prosecco a little too much for the break sun. But one of my favorite cocktails with Prosecco, which I learned is called a Kir Royale with the word in it. Yes. I love raspberry. And then if you add chocolate on the side of that, it's like the best thing that's ever hit the planet. 

[00:46:35] Penny Fitzgerald: You are my people.

[00:46:38] Victoria Chai: So, so I learned what that was called. Um, yeah. And it's very interesting because I've tried many different Prosecco's and some I really like and some I don't. And I think it's just like any, any Anything that you like or don't like, you know, just because something, something's called a Prosecco doesn't mean you're necessarily going to like it.

[00:46:56] Just, and I also like Cabernet's. And I still don't know the name of the one I like, but if I ever figure, 

[00:47:03] Penny Fitzgerald: well, yeah, I'd be happy to noodle that with you someday. And 

[00:47:07] Victoria Chai: yeah, yeah. So those are, those are my, my beverages of choice outside coffee and water. 

[00:47:15] Penny Fitzgerald: I love it. Absolutely. Wonderful. Prosecco is my jam too.

[00:47:19] It's my go to it's 

[00:47:21] Victoria Chai: it's so celebratory. 

[00:47:23] Penny Fitzgerald: Yes. And it's not expensive. You can enjoy it on a Tuesday. 

[00:47:28] Victoria Chai: Yeah. Yeah. And it's also, you know, as like, my feeling is some of the, my husband is a cocktail dude. He loves different cocktails, like an old fashioned or a gin and tonic or some of these really fruity sweet drinks.

[00:47:44] And I feel sometimes some of them you're drinking a meal. 

[00:47:47] Penny Fitzgerald: Yes. They're heavy. Okay. 

[00:47:49] Victoria Chai: And a glass of Prosecco doesn't make it so I can't eat dessert. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. 

[00:47:55] Penny Fitzgerald: Ha ha ha ha. Right. Light and 

[00:48:00] airy. 

[00:48:01] Yeah. And they're, they're lower alcohol too. So that's also a very good thing. Yeah. I feel it is a lovely thing.

[00:48:08] I 

[00:48:09] Victoria Chai: do too. Yeah. And everybody's got their thing. I don't have any judgments against what people drink or don't drink. I just, I know what I like. And, um, one of my sisters was a, Uh, distributor for a huge, um, spirits company. And she was saying how when they do blind taste tests, often people pick the less expensive wines because that's what they like.

[00:48:33] So just because something's expensive, doesn't mean you're going to like it, right? Or that it's better or that it's better. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, in 

[00:48:42] Penny Fitzgerald: some cases, yeah, but it's, it's not all price determinate. No, it's palate determinant. That's right. What you like is good. Absolutely. For sure. Thank you so much, Victoria.

[00:48:58] This has been so fun. 

[00:49:00] Victoria Chai: Oh, thank you. What a joy to be invited and to talk to somebody and your energy is so awesome. So I think that helped me to feel positive and energetic as well. Oh 

[00:49:10] Penny Fitzgerald: gosh, thank you. That's wonderful. It's a great, I take that. Mm. It felt like a hug. So, so if someone wants to get involved with your workshops or check those out, cause you know, there are people listening around the country and maybe they could get in on the zoom ones if they're not local to us.

[00:49:31] Victoria Chai: For sure. Or they could visit Sarasota because it's a really nice place. It's beautiful. Come see me. Absolutely. So, well, I'm on Facebook and all of my things I advertise on Facebook. So Victoria Chai or Chai Connections Coaching and Consulting. I also have a Facebook group that they might want to join where I do video tips and things like we talked about today, but in a much shorter format.

[00:49:53] And that's the communication sandbox where you come and play. Oh, how fun 

[00:49:58] Penny Fitzgerald: the communication sandbox and that's a public group. They can find on Facebook. They 

[00:50:03] Victoria Chai: can 

[00:50:03] Penny Fitzgerald: find 

[00:50:04] Victoria Chai: it. You 

[00:50:04] Penny Fitzgerald: need to join. Yes, but they can, you'd 

[00:50:08] Victoria Chai: be able to see it. Yes. And I also advertise all my stuff on Facebook and events. So, okay, under my, um, you know, under my name, Victoria, they can see that there as well as I also shoot it out to the different.

[00:50:20] networking groups in Sarasota. 

[00:50:23] Penny Fitzgerald: Cool. Okay. And um, in case someone is listening to this as a podcast, rather than watching on YouTube, Chai is spelled C H A I. 

[00:50:31] Victoria Chai: Like the tea. Like the tea. 

[00:50:36] Penny Fitzgerald: How appropriate. Absolutely. Wonderful. All right. Thank you so much, Victoria. 

[00:50:44] Have a wonderful rest of your day. 

[00:50:45] Victoria Chai: You too. Thank you. Thank you.