The Confident Musicianing Podcast
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The Confident Musicianing Podcast
Lessons From Failing My Midterm Exam At Music School
I didn't expect to fail my midterm technical exam at my conservatoire, but the lessons I am learning from it have been so powerful. Here are a few.
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Hello and welcome to the Confident Musicianing Podcast. My name is Eleanor and I am a British American oboist studying at the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland literally my dream school and it took me a long way to get there. I applied and auditioned for 12 schools in three different countries. It was a lot of hard work but, oh my gosh, so worth it. I want you to have the confidence to work hard in achieving your goals, so come with me as we go on this journey together. So sit down, pull up a chair, take a seat or, if you're on the go, welcome to the Confident Musicianing Podcast.
Speaker 1:When I started music school in September last September I didn't realize that I would fail my midterm technical exam and it was definitely not on my bingo card. And I was so surprised about it because I failed, not because I wasn't focused enough or I wasn't practicing enough. Actually the opposite, I overworked myself, I did not listen to my needs, and so when I got into the practice or when I got into the exam, even though I felt ready, it just fell apart. And that was a few months ago. I have taken down the process. I have a resit in about a month and, honestly, I see this situation as an opportunity to grow and an opportunity to work through this and take this second chance. So today I want to sit down and chat with you about some key takeaways I have from this entire process, because I think not enough musicians talk about their fails, and this is a big fail and I want to chat with you about it. I recently posted a reel on Instagram I think I'm going to post it on TikTok and YouTube, um about, and also, by the way, if you want to like see Instagram, my Instagram and my TikTok, I will put it in the links down below in the description and my YouTube, unless you're on YouTube. Anyway, that's on the links, anyway. So, yeah, so I put that on Instagram and I was really nervous about it, but I think it's really important for musicians, for anyone, to put their fails up as well as their successes, if they're comfortable with it, of course. But I think that helps us be real and vulnerable on the internet. So this is why we're chatting about it. So let's dive into this.
Speaker 1:The first key takeaway is this is not the end of the world. When I got the message that I had failed, I thought it was the end of the world. I got a migraine. I got a sad, stress-induced migraine that night and, honestly, I just thought it was all going to pot. I was like this is it? This is what the heck. But the thing about it is, it's not it. You know, it's not the end of the world, and what I needed to do was to be gentle and kind to myself, and that's exactly what I did. And I think in times of struggle, in times of failure, our way forward, our best way forward, is empathy with ourselves, and so I think that that's something that is really important and I did, and I'm really grateful I did, because kindness was the way through with this. But it isn't the end of the world and I think if I thought of it as the end of the world and I continue to think of it as the end of the world even after I had been processing it then that's that doesn't really show resilience. You know, I mean like one, one exam. I'm going to have so many exams during my conservatoire career or conservatoire, you know time. I'm going to have so many exams and if I fail the first one, I'm like, well, that's it, then that's not, it's not going to be good for me. So I'm really excited about my reset. Honestly, and I think that that's a big, important point, this is not the end of the world. So, whatever you're going through, whether it is music-wise, musical, you know, wise or music-related or not, even if it feels like the end of the world, it's not the end of the world. It's not. And the best way forward, I think, is empathy towards ourselves and kindness.
Speaker 1:Now, talking about empathy and kindness, the second point is the idea. Well, the second two points is we're talking about actually what went wrong. What happened in our practice, like what went wrong, and I think the first thing that went wrong for me was I didn't take care of me. This is the second point. I didn't take care of me. I didn't take the time to focus on my playing because I enjoyed it. I just focused on playing like not to fail, and so, because of that, I didn't give myself any time, any free time. I honestly didn't. I focused on quantity over quality. I just put the hours of practice in. But was I actually doing practice? Well, maybe, maybe not, because I hadn't focused on me. So, inside, I was stressed, I was overwhelmed, I was struggling, I was actually really struggling mentally and I didn't really reach out to anyone because I was too busy practicing. That's not any way to move forward at all and that's part of the reason why I failed.
Speaker 1:Now, what I'm doing differently now, and what I encourage you to do as well, is listening to myself, taking care of myself. Something that I do and this is something that I do that I really like now is that I meditate every morning. What I do is I focus on any sensations I have, because I feel like stress can show up and you can feel stress. You feel stressed, you feel sad, you feel happy. Where do you feel stressed? I often feel stressed in my chest or my stomach, just feeling those emotions being like okay, today I'm feeling a little stressed and that's okay, and honoring that and understanding that, rather than not listening to that and just diving into work to escape it. And I think sitting with my feelings is something that has been really helpful for me to work through this section right, taking care of me.
Speaker 1:And I think taking care of me is not just like I feel like when we think of self-care, we think of, like you know, baths and I don't know buying things and you know all of these things, but I think self-care is also just checking in with yourself every morning, being like how do I really feel and what can I do to kind of make me feel a bit better if I don't feel the best, and honoring that and understanding that. And honoring that and understanding that and that's something that I failed to do for this exam, which ultimately ended up in me failing the exam. So I think for this, just checking in with yourself, being like, okay, you know, taking care of myself, taking care of my needs, hanging out with friends you know, not everything is oboe. Yes, I'm focusing on oboe, but I don't want to over focus on oboe. And the third thing this is I feel like this is a very short and like sweet episode um, the third thing is putting joy into my practice.
Speaker 1:This is an interesting thing because when I was performing, or when I was getting ready for this exam, I had put all the hours in. I could play all the scales, but what was I focusing on when I was playing the scales? I was focusing on the notes. I was focusing on the notes and you know what note was the highest? Which note would I turn to go back down the scale or back up and I was focusing on that. What was I not focusing on? The fact that I love to play the oboe and it's.
Speaker 1:It's an interesting idea because when I got into the room, I was scared and nervous and all of a sudden, all that, you know, me thinking okay, what, like focusing on not not making mistakes that just all went out the window. And so I was there and I felt kind of like. I felt like I was like on my own with my Oboe. What do I do? Right? And that's how it fell apart. But what I didn't have was joy. What I didn't have was joy and excitement, and just genuine, just genuine joy and excitement.
Speaker 1:And it's interesting because now, when I'm thinking about it, I'm like, okay, you know, when I play oboe, well, I feel joyous, I feel excited, I feel warmth, I feel warmth right on my chest. I feel like, you know, like those lamps that you turn on, they're like yellow light and it's just like, ah, really nice, that's how I feel when I play oboe, well. And I thought to myself, okay, well, I feel like that when I play my oboe well, in like recitals and auditions. But why can't I feel like that every single time I practice. Why can't I practice joy when I play my oboe?
Speaker 1:And so now when I, when I practice, I think about okay, how did I like let's, let's think about that joy, let's think about those feelings. And you know, I kind of like purposefully cultivate that joy. Let's think about those feelings. And you know, I kind of like purposefully cultivate that joy, even if I might be having a bad day, and I feel it and it's genuine and it's, it's exciting. And then I practice and honestly, I really like it because I'm not only practicing oboe, but I'm practicing playing oboe in a joyous and happy way. And you know it can be hard and it's. You know you don't want to be like toxic positivity type thing, but it's cultivating that joy when you play over well, and it's just like genuine right.
Speaker 1:And I feel like it's interesting, because when I do that I often feel quite tired. After I'm like, oh my gosh, that was a big practice session and I feel like I need to take more breaks. But the thing about it is, when I am practicing I am feeling joyous, I am feeling excited and I get better at the oboe. You know what I mean. I feel better and I play better, and so that's fine if I need to take the breaks, because when I practice it is solid, it is focused and it is joyous. And it's interesting because it's not just about joy, it's solid, it is focused and it is joyous. And it's interesting because, you know, it's not just about joy, it's not just about oh my gosh, I love the oboe, woohoo. It's not that, it's more deep, because when I feel that way I play better. And it's interesting because I realized this.
Speaker 1:I recently recorded a birthday message for a friend, because when my friends have birthdays I like to record myself playing the oboe, playing happy birthday, and send it to them. And it's interesting because I did two takes of this happy birthday song, and the first one I started out with joy and the first two, like happy birthdays, were like full of joy. And then when I got to the third one where you go, we have a low note and then an octave jump to the high note my mind was like, oh my gosh, after that high note, I don't actually remember which note I go to. And as soon as my mind had that thought, I went out of tune. That jump, that octave jump, was out of tune. And it's interesting because I know that I thought that and it was out of tune. And then in the second take that I did, I didn't worry about that note and I felt joyous and I felt excited and I just had faith in myself that I would play the right notes and I did and that octave jump was so, so good, it was in tune, it was, it was, the tone was really good, like I'm so proud of that video. And that's the difference, you know, putting that joy into practice. It comes out of your instrument differently, and so that's what I'm really focusing on for this, for this reset. I want a joyous exam Now, kind of moving into that and moving into, like, the idea of joy and practice.
Speaker 1:I think a great way to practice effectively and efficiently is to have a practice journal, and one of the practice journals that I absolutely love is a notable practice journal, and the thing that I love about notable practice journals is not only do they have a section for writing in your practice, but they also have a reflection section and with the reflection section you can write how much joy did you feel? Did you feel joy? When did you feel joy? Did you notice that? When you didn't cultivate that feeling that maybe you didn't play as well. What did you struggle with? What could you work on this better? All of these things right, and you can like that reflection section. I think is so important to get better in the next few days or, you know, in the future or even the next day.
Speaker 1:So this notebook, this has really, really helped me in my working towards my reset and I knew, as soon as I knew that it was working, I knew that I had to give you a code and I knew that I had to tell you about it. So the code is ELEANOR15 for 15% off your journal Use code. Well, it's spelled E-L-E-A-N-O-R-1-5 for 15% off your journal use code. Oh, well, it's spelled e-l-e-a-n-o-r-1-5 for 15 off your journal. And let's get practicing. Let's focus. Let's focus on quality over quantity and joy, and we can jot that down in the notable practice journal. Honestly, it's really helpful. All right, you know that I don't recommend anything that I don't absolutely love. That code is an affiliate code, which means I do receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's do a recap. Number one this is not the end of the world. I am okay, and the best way to work through this is empathy towards oneself. The next thing is taking care of me, focusing on my needs rather than just practice, practice, practice. And the last thing is putting joy into practice. Why are we playing our instruments if it's not because we love them? You know what I mean. So there you go.
Speaker 1:All right, that is about it for this episode. Thank you so much for hanging out with me. I'm so excited about my reset. Yeah, I'm a bit nervous, not gonna lie, but I mean we're always nervous for everything. You know it's all right, but I can't wait to take you along this journey. I am going to document it on my social medias and I can also talk a little bit about it on the podcast as well. But if you want to follow me on my social medias, they will be in the description below or the show notes. And, yeah, if you enjoyed this episode, please do show the love, subscribe, like, comment, follow all the things and I will see you in the next episode. All right, take care. Bye.
