Why You Feel Stuck In Your Performance Anxiety

This episode is a deep one. I go into the real truth to why you still feel stuck. Let's get into it. 

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Transcript

How Anxiety Secretly Helps You

Nerves As A Social Safety Net

The Sympathy Trap Before Performing

Stop Identifying With Stress

Confidence Course And How To Join

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Confident Musitioning Podcast. This is where all the confident musicians are, and we are having a blast. Today we are gonna get into something that I think is really interesting. It is all about the idea of why we get nervous before a performance and why we cannot seem to change that. I know you know the feeling of you know, like waiting before a performance and just feeling so much stress and so much fear inside of you and thinking, oh my gosh, it was like this last time, it was like this the time before, and the time before, and the time before. How can I not break the cycle? Like, when will I ever feel confident before a performance? I know you feel that, I have felt that. And I decided, you know what, it's gonna be next performance. I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna figure this out, I'm gonna do all of the things that I need to do to get myself in a space of confidence. And that's exactly what I did, and that is why we are here because I want to share all of these amazing things with you. Um, yes. So today we are gonna dive right into specifically how you or why you can't seem to break the cycle and become more confident as a musician. You know the feeling of feeling nerves, you want to feel confident, but what is what is the disconnect? What are what is what are we doing that is not helping us? And that is what we're gonna dive into. So let's get right into it. We don't want to waste any time. So, the thing that we need to think about is what your nerves are actually serving you. Because the reality of it is if your nerves, if your performance anxiety wasn't actually serving you, you would not have it. It would be gone. And you might be saying, Eleanor, my anxiety is not serving me. I, every single time I am nervous before an exam, or you know, maybe a playing exam even. I have a playing exam today, by the way. So that's that's where my head's at. But um, you know, before before an exam, before performance, before an audition, like I feel nervous, it does not help me. It's not serving me. What are you talking about? Let me break it down for you because chances are it actually is serving you, and that's why you can't break the cycle. So, what I mean by this is not consciously serving you. You are not thinking, oh thank goodness I have nerves. But it's more of a subconscious thing. For instance, it could be something to hide behind. It could be something to hide behind. What I mean by that is if you go on stage and you mess up, you will always say, or you will always be able to say, Oh, it's because I was nervous. Oh, I was just nervous. It's because I was nervous. I didn't, you know, I d it just, you know, like I was just too nervous. That is an excuse. What it's what it's doing is it's giving you a way to not say, oh, it's not, it's because I didn't practice enough, or oh, it's because, you know, I didn't do this thing that I should have done, or oh, it's actually me. You know, you're blaming your nerves. You are able to hide behind your nerves. It's kind of like a comfort zone, it's it's where you seem to fit in. Does that make sense? I hope it does, because I know it's like a crazy new idea. But if if that is the case, then your body is gonna want to be nervous. You are gonna have those nerves because your your body's gonna be like, okay, yeah, but it's our shield. It's our shield if we mess up and someone says, Hey, what happened? I was nervous, you know? So that's how it can serve you. Um, another way that it can serve you is it can be a way to stay safe. It can be a way to stay safe. What I mean by that is if you, for instance, before a performance or whatever, you're always texting your friends, you're always talking to your friends saying, Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. Or if your friends are always like before their performances, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous, like I just I'm so nervous, I'm so shaky, I I um is it gonna be okay? Maybe they're cracking jokes about oh my gosh, it's gonna be so bad, you know. I have heard countless times, countless times, musicians coming off stage going, oh my gosh, it was so bad. Why are you saying that? Is it because you're hiding behind it? Are you saying, oh my gosh, it's so bad because um because you're waiting for you don't want anyone else to say that. You want other people to say, oh my gosh, no, it wasn't, it was good. Instead of owning, oh I actually liked some that. Maybe there was a part of it that you wanted to do better or something like that, but you don't own the good bits. Why? You know? If you were in a situation where you were backstage with your friends and they were all going, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous, like it's gonna be so bad, like, oh my gosh, I would just I hope I get the runs, or I hope I do this, or oh, at least, you know, hope it's not as bad as my practice session, or blah blah blah, and you're the only one in the room that's saying things like, No, I'm confident. I know, I know it's gonna be fine. I've put in the work, and I'm confident in myself. How would that feel to you? Because you're not fitting in anymore, you're not fitting into them. They are saying, Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm so stressed! And you're you're you're choosing, you are responding with calm. You are choosing confidence, you are standing out, you are different, you are not fitting in. And unbeknownst to you, that might be really scary for your nervous system, for your subconscious. You might be like, like inside, you might be like, oh my gosh, we can't do that. Because what if we get rejected? That's what I mean by a way to stay safe. You might be choosing nerves or choosing, I mean, I want to rephrase that. You might be, because nerves always come up. How you respond to them versus react to them, that's your choice. That's what you can do for them or to them, so that you can choose confidence or allow them to completely take over you. So if you, if it, if you fit in, if it if if the way to fit in with your friend group, with everybody else, to not stand out is doing that, allowing it to take over you, then you might actually choose that because it feels safer than actually choosing confidence. Because you're worried that people will laugh at you. You're worried that people will be like, oh my gosh, why is she so confident? And let me tell you from experience, you do stand out. You do stand out. I do performances where I am so confident, and people have told me, you radiate confidence. Like, how are you? This is an audition situation. How are you so confident? It's because I choose it. It's because I wake up in the morning and I do the things that I need to do to choose confidence actively. It's not a gift, it's not, you know, chance. It's me being like, how do I want to show up today? I choose that before I get to the situation, to the exam, the audition, the performance, whatever it is, and I choose how I'm gonna be before it chooses for me, you know? And you do kind of stand out because everybody else is super duper stressed. And you might also feel stressed, but you choose that confidence. So that's what I mean. If that is something scary to you, if you right now, like I want you to think about yourself right now, think about how you feel listening to this. If your heart is a little like, oh, ooh, standing out against my friends, not against your friends, but you know, being different, being the one who chooses a confidence, standing out like that, no longer indulging in saying, oh my gosh, I'm so stressed, are you stressed? I'm so stressed, uh. You know, because that's you allowing nerves to take over you. Doing that, if that feels nerve-wracking to you, if you're feeling a little anxious around that idea, then that's probably where you're stuck. You know? And awareness is the first step. Awareness is the first step, and that's perfectly fine. It's so good if you're feeling a little nervous hearing this, if you want to turn this off. If you're like, Eleanor, I don't actually want this. Like, what are you talking about? I I came here for confidence and you're making me feel nervous. You know what I mean? But this is the first step. You know? So it's good. It's good if you feel nervous. It's good if you feel like, hang on, I feel like I'm being cold out here. It's it's good because this is awareness, this is this is the start. Then we can work through how that affects or how you can how you can work with that. But you've got to know what you're working with before you can work with it. Do you know what I mean? So that's also something. Another thing, do you get sympathy? Do you get sympathy? This is a big one. This is a big one because I see I've seen musicians get really stressed, and their friends or their partner or their family gives them so much sympathy. And I it's interesting because I have I have been in that situation where I'm like, I feel so much stress, I want sympathy. You know, and and and maybe my my my family, my friends, they they they give that to me. They're like, oh my gosh, you're gonna be so good. Don't worry, don't worry. Like, you know, I've gotten motivational voice memos from people and all of these things, and it's like those are well and good, but are you actually more comfortable in the sympathy than you are in the idea that oh, I've got this, you know? Because sympathy feels safe. If you keep getting sympathy, that will feel safe, that will feel like something you need. Oh, I need that sympathy before performance. So, what you're gonna do is you're gonna display stress. You're gonna display stress for your friends, for your partner, for your family, for whomever. You're gonna display that stress, then they're gonna come in and go, oh, but you're gonna be great. Don't stress, don't worry, it's gonna be fine, you're gonna be blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you are gonna feel better. But what have you done to achieve that feeling better? You've displayed stress. So the idea of being confident, choosing confidence, it's a thing you do on your own. It's a thing you do before you even get to anybody else. And so you actually have to say goodbye to that sympathy. You have to choose, like, okay, well, I feel like this, I'm gonna choose to um to regulate myself, I'm gonna choose confidence, and I don't actually need that sympathy. I know that's it might seem like so big. It might, you know, it it's I mean, talking about it is like, okay, well, that's kind of tiny. It might seem tiny, but it I it's so big, it is. Because if your nervous system, your body is used to getting regulated from other people, the idea of you doing that for yourself on your own can seem really scary. And if that feels scary to you, that's probably why you're stuck. So those things, those were three things, and I want you to figure out what other things there are for you. Because those are just three ideas, but I'm sure there's more. If you really get into the weeds, you'll probably be able to find really specific things, you know, for you personally. Oh, stress serves me in this way, stress serves me in this way, you know, stress serves me in that way. That's probably why I can't choose confidence, that's why I struggle, that's why I seem like I'm not shifting or moving. Because actually, stress is serving me. As a musician, it's serving me, you know? So those are three things. And that's kind of the gist of this this episode. I want you to sit with them. I want you to sit with them and think of uh think about them, you know? And if you're feeling uncomfortable, and you're if you're feeling like, oh thank goodness we're getting towards the end of this episode, that's a good thing. Because things are moving, things are shifting. You're realizing things about yourself, which is good. Okay, it is good. So it's good to sit with this, think about it, really like listen to this episode multiple times if you need to. Because this is the beginning. This is how you start to realize okay, what is my like, how can I move my nerves? How can I come out of this space of feeling stressed, of feeling overwhelmed? What it is, is you need to stop identifying with it, it needs to stop serving you. You know? So that is it for this episode. Before you go, before I go, I want to let you know, um I am currently working on a course that I will be releasing on building confidence for musicians. And this kind of episode, this thing that we just talked about, is gonna be that that that's like the surface level of one of the things that we're gonna get into this or in this course. It's the surface level of something that we're gonna get into in this course. Um, this course is gonna be literally just like all of the things that you need to know and you need to do to be able to become that confident musician that you want to. And it's not just about choosing confidence, it's not just about doing, you know, like looking cute and blah blah blah. It's confidence is a choice. It's not a feeling, it's a choice, genuinely. And if we just ride on the feeling, we will not become confident musicians. You have to choose it. And so that's what this course is about because I feel like this is so, so super important. Every musician deserves to feel confident, and I want to help you feel confident. So currently, this course is in the making, but at the time that this episode gets released, this course is in the making. I am um I'm creating it, and I want you to be the first person to know um about it when it comes out, and also updates about it. So, in order to do that, um down below in the in the comment, not the comments, the description in the show notes, there will be a link for you to sign up to my mailing list. This will give you updates on the course and it will also alert you as soon as the course comes out. So you can be the first to know and the first to get it if you want to. Okay, this is so super important. If this, if you listen to this episode and you're like, things are things, this wow, my brain chemistry is different, you know, and you're like, I want more of this, I'm gonna give you more of this. I I know you want more of this. Because because I I care about you as a musician. I do, I really do. So, this is what this is about. So, if this is something that you're like, I need to get on this, I need to know about this, then sign up down below. Okay, and also follow me on Instagram because I'm gonna be doing updates on Instagram as well. Okay. That my handle is Eleanor Obo, it's down below as well. All of the things you need to know are down below. So, that is about it for this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for listening. Um, if this episode helped you, if it was interesting, if it was transformative, even if it made you uncomfortable, please let me know. I'd love to know. You can DM me on Instagram, you can email me at Eleanor at confidentmusitioning.com. Um, yeah, just let me know. I want to be in conversation. You know what I mean? Like, let's let's do this. So let me know. If this if this episode was was helpful for you, if it was informative, insightful, even if you feel uncomfortable, send it to a friend. Because I know that you know a friend who struggles with performance anxiety. I know you do. Okay? So send it over to them. Um, and I will see you in the next episode. Okay? Have fun practicing and stay confident. Bye.