Ever been in the heat of a marital squabble and paused to wonder, 'Will this even matter tomorrow?' That pause could be a game-changer. Through our podcast, we share intriguing tales from our own lives, such as our hilarious encounter with a fact-checked guide in Boston, and guide you on how to transform disagreements into opportunities for growth. The initial focus is on fighting fair, a skill that many couples struggle to master. We provide insights on how to identify whether the issue at hand is genuinely threatening your relationship or simply a minor annoyance.
Having cleared the air, we then delve into the heart of the matter - communication. Often, endless arguments stem from the inability to identify the real source of the disagreement. We share our own experiences and advice on how to bring clarity to your discussions, ensuring both parties are heard, and issues are accurately defined. We also offer tools to help you understand your emotions and the roots of your disagreements, along with the importance of setting ground rules to create a win-win outcome for both partners.
Lastly, we shine a light on the importance of equal time and private fights. Exploring the critical role of active listening, we discuss the importance of understanding your partner's feelings and why it's a bad idea to let your conflicts spill over to family and friends. We also delve into the impact of family histories on our approaches to conversations and the necessity of keeping disagreements within the confines of your relationship. Our aim? To provide you with a roadmap to a healthier, fulfilling marital life. So, are you ready to take a journey with us?
Ever been in the heat of a marital squabble and paused to wonder, 'Will this even matter tomorrow?' That pause could be a game-changer. Through our podcast, we share intriguing tales from our own lives, such as our hilarious encounter with a fact-checked guide in Boston, and guide you on how to transform disagreements into opportunities for growth. The initial focus is on fighting fair, a skill that many couples struggle to master. We provide insights on how to identify whether the issue at hand is genuinely threatening your relationship or simply a minor annoyance.
Having cleared the air, we then delve into the heart of the matter - communication. Often, endless arguments stem from the inability to identify the real source of the disagreement. We share our own experiences and advice on how to bring clarity to your discussions, ensuring both parties are heard, and issues are accurately defined. We also offer tools to help you understand your emotions and the roots of your disagreements, along with the importance of setting ground rules to create a win-win outcome for both partners.
Lastly, we shine a light on the importance of equal time and private fights. Exploring the critical role of active listening, we discuss the importance of understanding your partner's feelings and why it's a bad idea to let your conflicts spill over to family and friends. We also delve into the impact of family histories on our approaches to conversations and the necessity of keeping disagreements within the confines of your relationship. Our aim? To provide you with a roadmap to a healthier, fulfilling marital life. So, are you ready to take a journey with us?
Welcome to the Love Works podcast. My name is Chris Duncan, and my wife, jennifer and I are marriage coaches and ministers in our local church. We've been married for over 20 years and have six wonderful children. Over the years, we've experienced infertility, miscarriages, become parents, had career changes, fostered children and adopted triplets, which, among many other life experiences, have helped to shape us, our marriage and our family. We hope to share some of the things we've learned to help others with their journey to have a successful marriage and a strong family, while keeping a focus on our faith as a guide. Thanks for listening and, as always, remember Love Works. So let's get to work.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the Love Works podcast. We are excited to share our topic for this episode, but first let's jump into our what's that?
Speaker 1:All right, who's going first?
Speaker 2:You're me, you can go first.
Speaker 1:Okay, so my what's that is? We recently went on a trip to Boston with our 16 year old Boston. We spoke to the kids and let them know hey, when you turn 16, you can either have a big party like everybody else does or you can go on a trip with your mother and I. So Boston chose to go to Boston and so we're in Boston, we're having a wonderful time and we're on a tour like a walking tour, and there's this guy. He's dressed up like the revolutionary garb and all that stuff, and we're walking around he's and we're in the Boston Commons and he's telling us some facts and stuff. And this random guy walks past our group and he yells out fact check, all that. And it was just the timing, his voice, everything. It was so funny. Our guy didn't skip a beat, he didn't even knowledge the guy, he just kept going, but it was so hilarious. So our entire trip we kept saying fact check all that. And to this day, that's, you know, part of, I guess, our, our family's vocabulary. So that's my what's that.
Speaker 2:All right. So mine comes from tonight and it's going to go along with our theme of fighting. We have triplet girls and Quinn is very excitable and she's she's just, she's always a ball of energy. So tonight she was extremely excited and she was telling her brothers that she was going to fight them after dinner, where she wrestles them and they have a good time, not physically fighting, but you know. So I said, quinn, you know it's not nice to fight your family. And she looks at me, she's like well, they're my family so I can fight them. So I didn't really know what to say to that. So I guess she won.
Speaker 1:There you go wisdom from a six year old. So that's pretty awesome, oh man. So, like Jen alluded to, and in our last episode, the love languages, we kind of gave a sneak peek and and let everybody know let the tens and tens of people who are listening, that this episode was going to be on fighting. So how to fight, or how to fight fair or probably better even to put it this way, how to fight productively. So it's not a matter of will we fight or disagree. It's a matter of how we fight.
Speaker 1:Couples who stay happily married disagree just as much as couples who get divorced. The difference is the happily married have learned how to fight productively and use a disagreement as an opportunity to deepen their bond. And not all fights are created equal. A good fight or a productive fight is helpful and a bad fight or a non productive fight is harmful. 93% of couples who fight dirty or non productively will be divorced within 10 years, if not sooner, according to researchers at the University of Utah. In fact, these researchers can now predict with a 94% accuracy whether a couple will stay together on not based solely on how they fight, not whether they fight, but I'm sorry, but really solely on how they fight, not whether they're going to fight because couples, you've been married, you know more than 24 hours. There's arguments, right, and so this episode, this podcast episode, we're going to be talking about how to do that, but in a productive way, to where it's helping and not harming.
Speaker 2:So we know some people are ready to fight at any time, any place. Others are a little bit more laid back, but we're going to have three quick questions that you can ask yourself before you jump into any argument. The first question you need to ask yourself is will the outcome of this fight really even matter? Am I looking to win this fight or am I looking to draw closer to my spouse? Is this going to help our marriage or is this going to hinder our marriage? Is it going to clear up some space or is this just going to pile more emotional trauma onto it?
Speaker 1:that's so good that first one, will the outcome of this fight really matter?
Speaker 1:if you're listening right now, which obviously you are, hopefully think back to the last argument that you had with your spouse, your partner or really anybody, and see if you can remember what the argument was even about. Did it matter, or was it more about your feelings and everything in that moment? So before you jump into that fight the first one the first question you to ask yourself is will the outcome of this fight even really matter? Number two is the issue a threat to your marriage or is it annoying habit? We all have annoying habits. I'm a caveman and I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube and it goes everywhere. Or it did gen fix that and I'll tell you how. I just admit it.
Speaker 2:But so annoying habit. Right, you have to fight over, and we didn't even have.
Speaker 1:I knew it annoyed her because she would say, hey, you know, there's toothpaste all over the toothpaste to him like, yeah, I know, cool, I just took the top off and, you know, use as a breath mint, just kidding. But I would just scrape it off and just go and. But that was an annoying habit, so it got messy, it would get everywhere. So gen went ahead and bought me these special little things that go on the end of the toothpaste and now I can squeeze it in the middle and just enough comes out so I can brush my teeth and no mess, no fuss. That was an annoying habit. That wasn't a threat to the marriage.
Speaker 1:But I'm not saying not to address annoying habits. I'm saying determine if the issue is an annoying habit or a threat. That will determine it's going to determine the approach in which you address the issue. Right, gen could have been like man, why are you so messy, you know? But instead of doing that it was an annoying habit. She gave me something to to rectify the habit instead of it turning into a full-blown argument or something that turned into more than it really was. So that second question is is this an annoying habit or is this a threat. If it's just annoying, you may be able just to let it go. If it's a threat, you need to be sure to address it and then number three is this the right time to fight?
Speaker 2:when we first got the triplets, we were very overwhelmed and in survival mode yes, in survival mode, for sure. Lack of sleep, definitely. Um, feeling overwhelmed by the health needs and everything it was. It was a lot so. So we both determined that whatever we said to each other in that first year didn't mean anything, because we knew that we were going to be hungry, tired, emotionally drained, all the things that make you say and do things that you don't really mean. So think about this when you go into a fight, are you hungry? Are you in pain? Are you tired? Are you emotionally charged? Have you had a hard day? Are you taking things out on your spouse that have nothing to do with them? Take time to reflect on your emotional well-being before you decide to go into something and say something that you might not really mean.
Speaker 1:That could hurt someone so good and I'm guilty when I'm hungry. I'm sure you've all either heard or seen those Snickers commercials of people turning into divas when they're hungry, or wild people. That's me, man. I get hangry and and I know I can feel it coming on I can feel the green monster on the inside. He's starting to wake up and I know I need to eat something.
Speaker 1:So if I'm hangry, I'm not going to get into a discussion or an argument or or anything with Jen or anybody Jen or anybody else, because that's not the right time, because I know that I will come at it from a place of anger rather than a place of, you know, trying to make things better and get to a better place. So so we've addressed these three questions. Number one will the outcome matter? Number two is this an annoyance or a threat? Or, number three is this the right time to fight? So I know you say, really, am I gonna run through that before I get into an argument? Well, I hope so, because some of you out there are doing all the wrong things. Right? You're just going for it, man, let's get ready to rumble and you throw down in front of everybody and anywhere, and it's not making anything better. So just take a moment. You don't have to say it out loud, just in your head. Will this outcome even matter? Is this argument going to matter? Is this an annoyance that I can just?
Speaker 1:you know, let go for now, or is this a threat and is this the right time to fight? So now let's dive a little deeper into some fighting techniques. Again, we're looking to fight productively. So I think the first one that I want to jump into is don't run from strife. Don't allow yourself to bury something that irritates you. Repressed irritations have a high rate of resurrection. Happy couples may disagree vehemently, but they don't shut their partners out. Don't run away. If you need to have that conversation, you need to have that discussion. You need to have that fight. Don't run from it. Again, we've run through our checklist. It's the outcomes going to matter. This is a threat. This is a threat. It's not an annoyance, and it is the right time. Don't run from it. And here's some techniques to help you to deal with the strife. When one spouse brings up an issue, the other one needs to listen attentively. Put down your phone.
Speaker 2:Yes, I said it, put down your phone, Unless you're listening to our podcast. Then you can just wait.
Speaker 1:Hopefully you're not fighting because of our podcast.
Speaker 2:If you are.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, put down your phone, turn off the TV. Make eye contact, affirm your listening. I understand what you're saying, or, even better, you can say. So what I'm hearing is this Make sure that they know you are engaged, you're paying attention. Then clarify what you're hearing. So what I'm hearing is you're worried that we're spending more than we make. So, instead of running from that, strife, engage, get involved in it. Let's deal with it. But again, put down the phone, make eye contact, affirm being active listener.
Speaker 2:I think that's so important not to run from the strife too, because when we bury something, it just keeps growing and growing and growing until we burst like a volcano. So when you're fighting, when you're disagreeing with your spouse, there's never a time when it needs to get out of control. Out of control as far as yelling at one another, calling one another names. That should never enter your process. And if you are making sure that you do these things, that you address these things in the right manner at the right time, you won't have to even think about it. We'll never get to that point. So very important not to run from it, to actually address it when it occurs or when you have time with your spouse to do so. So we're going to go into our next topic Choose your battles carefully. Many marriage counselors say that 90% of the issues a couple will bicker or argue about can probably be overlooked. Here's an example Before you gripe about the way your partner made the bed or cleared the table, ask yourself if it's even worth it. Even better yet thank them for making the bed or clearing the table. Words of affirmation can go a long way in wanting your partner to help more.
Speaker 2:I remember early on in our marriage. It was probably like the first year we were married. I was home from work and I was cleaning up and I looked down and Chris's socks and I think his pajamas were on the floor and I got so annoyed because I'm like they are literally two steps away from the hamper. I don't understand why this is so difficult. I don't recall this happening. I was so frustrated and I happened to have the radio on and I was listening to a talk show and a couple minutes after I had that thought, a lady called in and she had just lost her husband and it's unexpectedly in a car accident and she was recounting how she missed seeing those things around the house. And I know it had to be God, because this is kind of followed me through my home marriage and I always remember this, this um instance, and it made me realize you know what, if my husband wasn't there, um, I would miss those socks on the floor, I would miss those things, and it's not going to kill me to pick something up Now.
Speaker 2:This doesn't mean that it's okay to throw your stuff everywhere, but it does mean that we really need to think about our battles. Is this something that's going to kill me to pick up my husband's socks once in a while? No, is he going to be more conscientious of it? Yes, so make sure when you're thinking about it. We kind of. It kind of goes back to the first point when we were talking about um. Is it a threat to the marriage or an annoying habit? It kind of goes along with that same thing. Choose your battle, don't just fight to fight.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Fight to make something productive come of your engagement with your spouse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, are you fighting just to fight? Are you fighting to make your marriage better? And I can say, 20 years later, I have found the hamper, at least, at least 90% of the time.
Speaker 2:Okay, anyway, it's moving right along, oh she has a different, different election on that.
Speaker 2:Moving on to the next point, we have, uh, define the issue clearly. You need to define, articulate, understand what you are arguing about or you're destined to just keep going around and around the issue. It's really important to know exactly what it is because, especially I think women a lot of times and I think men do it too, but I know women do it Um, we can let things build up and build up, and build up, and then we get upset at the silliest thing and our husband is like what in the world is going on? And it's not really that we're upset about that issue that we're talking to him about. We're upset about something that's been going on and it's just built up, built up until we've kind of spilled over and now there's no way for him to fix what's wrong because we're not identifying it to them, we're not allowing them to understand. This is really the issue and this is what's really hurting me and this is what's really causing me this emotional stress.
Speaker 1:That's so good and I'll jump in real quick, men. So, uh, when Jen was talking about women kind of have a build up, build up I thought about Quinn. Again, quinn talks super fast, um, so you have to really listen to what she's trying to tell you. And I just had that mental image of Quinn just and I'm trying to uh understand what she's saying and so I'll tell her oh, you said this. She's like no, that's not what I meant.
Speaker 2:And then so I had that mental picture.
Speaker 1:So, yes, please can't clarify Um and and define the issue. But, men, on that topic, don't just Get upset about something and then shut down, kind of going back to the the first one. Don't run from the strife Instead of you know you get upset about something and you're just not going to say anything about it, you're just going to be quiet, you're going to go in, you know, retreat into yourself and hide from everything. You don't want to do that. You need to clarify the issue, define the issue in so you again can Vibre ductively and and make the marriage better.
Speaker 2:Exactly. Once the conflict is clearly defined, then we can take care of it. If neither of you really understand why the other one's upset, you're just going to walk away more upset and it's just going to build more resentment and nothing's going to be accomplished. Here's an example. This is not a true story, um, but let's say Chris and I have people over for dinner. It goes great, everyone's having a wonderful time, and I ask everyone if they like dessert. Chris then ask who would like coffee. I go and get the dessert ready and Chris says he'll get the coffee. But when I come back with the dessert, chris hasn't even gotten up from his seat. He doesn't have the coffee ready. He's sitting there chit chatting and I get really upset with him and make a really snide comment about having to do all the work around here. The problem is, I wasn't upset that I had to get the coffee. I was upset that Chris was gone all day golfing, doing a bunch of other things, when he promised that he'd be home with me, helped and helped get everything ready for the people to come over. So how would Chris even know this if I didn't define the issue?
Speaker 2:Here's some questions to ask to help you define the issue. What are we really arguing about? What is the real source of our disagreement? When couples don't address or can't answer these questions, the fight will turn into an add-on argument where it's just it keeps going and going, and then this and then that, and you did this and you did that and you keep going until nobody knows when it started.
Speaker 2:You just add on to the last argument and then you add on to stuff that happened years ago. And so make sure, before you fight, be sure to know what you are fighting about. Take time before you address that, that disagreement, if you know it's going to be a disagreement. Take time to think is this really what's bothering me right now, or is it something else? And make sure that you're honest with yourself. It's very important when you're doing this, if you want it to be productive, if you want both of you to come away With something from me you know you're going to be away with something from this where you both win you need to know what you're fighting about.
Speaker 1:So good. The next fighting technique we'll call it Is state your feelings directly. You might say I'm not a gushy, filly person. That very man will be, but no matter how non-gushy, you know filly you are you have feelings, your spouse has feelings. You both need to know to state them, and to state them directly. So everyone needs to know what everybody's feeling. We all have feelings and you need to be very clear. And, uh, stating your feelings directly, there's a technique taught by marriage counselors and they call it the xyz formula. I like to call it the abc formula because I'm a contrarian, but abc just sounds better Uh and what it does is it helps couples state their feelings.
Speaker 1:So think of this approach as kind of a game in which you fill in the blanks. You've all done that before, uh, you've had the little thing, and you fill in the blank and and go on from there. So here, kind of put this in your, in your mind. So in situation a, when you do b, I feel c. So again, the abc technique. So in situation a, when you do b, I feel c. I'll give you an example.
Speaker 1:Maybe either of you the wife or the husband works outside the home and you're gone most every day. The couple is, you always argue about the other one being gone. So, however, the real issue isn't one of you being gone, it's the one who's at home, who stays home. They're feeling unloved and not missed. So let's use that ABC method, if you will.
Speaker 1:So if I'm the one I'm at home Jen's always gone for work or various other things, and I'm here at home and how I would state my feelings is when you leave for the day, that would be A, and don't tell me that you miss me. That would be B. I feel unloved and lonely. That would be C. Or when you come into the room and change the channel without asking me first, I feel my desires are not considered. So when you come into the room A and you change the channel without asking me B, I feel my desires are not considered. C and that one hits right me, it's right between the eyes. I have a bad habit of doing that. I'll walk into the room and change it. So now I've learned hey, jenna, are you watching this? Cause? It could be the weirdest HGTV. It's like building houses with chicken scratch and stuff you found on the road.
Speaker 2:Ooh, that might be a good show. She's like oh my gosh, I wanna see a chicken scratch house.
Speaker 1:I love these people. Watch this babe, watch. They just built this house with trash from the road. I don't care to watch, I don't, I really don't. But I have to say, hey, baby, watch this and she is great. Then I don't change it. But again, just using that method. A, b and C to really share your feelings. Sometimes people have a hard time being direct, right, telling you okay, I don't know how to say what I wanna say. Okay, well, here's your way. A, b and C. When you do this A, I feel we'll use the example again when you leave for the day. A and you don't tell me that you miss me. B I feel unloved and lonely. C. So just a little tip, a little way for you to help share your feelings, and share them directly, so you can have again a productive fight, so your marriage can get better.
Speaker 2:The good thing about this is when we're talking about productively fighting. When you use this technique, it allows your partner to understand the why about why you like certain things. For years Chris would come in and change the channel and I would just be like, okay, whatever, cause I'm not really that invested in the channel. But one day I was like you know what? Why does he do that? That's so crazy and it's like kind of rude, like I would never do that to him. So I'm like babe, Okay, you know, when you come into the room and I have the TV on, it's normally because it's on because I'm watching something. So I know, if you want to watch something, that's fine, but just ask. And it was like something that he never even thought about because I just let it go.
Speaker 2:It didn't really annoy me too much, but once I let him know how, it did kind of make me feel he could understand that. And then you can understand hey, these little things make my spouse feel a certain way. This behavior makes my spouse feel a certain way and you'll be cognizant of that going forward. So make sure when your spouse does come to you and say these things, don't get defensive. You guys are trying to grow together. Your marriage is something that you're building together, and this isn't about one person blaming another person. It's about learning each other. It's about learning our likes, our irrational things, that we need All these things.
Speaker 2:Just because we have certain feelings doesn't mean that they're rational, and they don't always have to be, but you do need to listen to your spouse with their irrational needs, because you probably have irrational needs too, and we're here for each other, and that's the most important thing of all this that when we're fighting, that we're actually listening to one another and we're not just feeling like, oh, they're attacking me, it's not about attacking me, it's about making sure that you're meeting their needs and they're meeting yours. So, always remember that.
Speaker 1:Sorry to interrupt and don't let it be something like well, they should know. I'm sure some of you are listening right now and be like man. Chris is rude. He should have known that In hindsight. Yeah, I should have right but, like Jen said, I never even thought about it. I didn't. Should I have? Probably? Yes, right, but I didn't. I never thought of it being realized, walked in she was doing something else and like, all right, I'm gonna change this to football or basketball or baseball or cricket or water basketball whatever.
Speaker 1:But she finally said you know what? That's kind of rude. And I was watching that and I was like, again, let's go back to my earlier statement, I'm a caveman. So I was like, oh well, me caveman, oh okay. And so I listened. I didn't say, oh well, you're not even really watching this, no, I'd listen. I said you're right, I'm sorry. And from that point forward, for the many years since, and till the Lord comes, I'll make sure that I do that. Because why? Because she brought that to my attention. So I said all that to say this. You might think they should know this already, but if they're doing it, they obviously either number one don't or number two don't realize that it's an issue. So bring it up.
Speaker 2:So we're going to go ahead and close out this episode soon, but first we're going to go into a speed or a lightning round of some quick hits from a. Ooh, that was a text out of the bag. Sounds like a good sound effect.
Speaker 2:We're going to go into some quick hits from a licensed marriage counselor. Number one know your feelings. Seek to grow in your self-awareness. It's so important to know yourself. Know why. You know why things make you upset and if you don't know, let your spouse know. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Okay, it's not all things are we going to know right away. We grow into these things. Sometimes. Being in touch with your own true feelings is essential before you can constructively handle anger or conflict. Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage. Neither partner should win a fight. If one wins, the other loses, and that builds resentment. It's always a win-win. You always both need to walk away with something.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. There should never be a singular winner of a fight. If there is, you're both losing, so the outcome really should be for both. You, like Jen said, have a win-win. The next one cooling off periods. Establish ground rules that permit either partner to cool off before trying to resolve anger or a situation. It may be necessary to walk or engage in some other physical activity in order to allow yourself to kind of settle down, for your emotions to come into check. Such a period can allow your spouse to identify the issue more clearly and organize here's her thoughts thus keeping the fight more focused.
Speaker 2:And I have to interject something here. We've all heard don't go to bed angry. I disagree with that Number one. At night sometimes things kind of like seem magnified At least they are for me. I don't know if that's true with everyone, but for me everything's magnified At night. Every issue is huge issue. When I'm laying there in bed it is massive.
Speaker 2:Once I've had time to process it, sleep, wake up in the morning. Sometimes I realize that was so silly. I don't know why I was so upset about that. It's not really a big deal and if I would have addressed it when I was laying there, mulling over everything, getting all emotional, everything, it could have started something that that was not even really what I was upset about. It was probably more of like when we talked about before the time. You know, I was probably tired, I was probably exhausted, Everything was probably hitting me from the day and it made me so emotionally charged that it just seemed like a big deal at that moment. So, cooling off, if you need to go to sleep, rest, wake up in the morning and then, with a clear head, get your coffee, have breakfast, then address the issue. Sometimes you'll find it wasn't even an issue to begin with.
Speaker 1:So really really good. It's so funny. We tell people before you make a big purchase, like, let's say, you go to your you're, you see a commercial for the new I don't know, for enlightening the electric truck, and you go to the dealership and you love it and all that stuff. What do we tell people? We tell them to go home and sleep on it, Right, why? Because they're processing it while they're sleeping. When they get up, like oh my word, I almost bought a $300 million truck, you know. But then on the flip side, people say in your marriage, don't go to bed angry Like it's. It's funny. Yet Jen already said it, but we disagree with that. Now don't just run off and go to bed. Right, there's going to be an argument like I'm angry.
Speaker 1:Deuces, I'm out. Well, no, say hey, you know what, babe, I understand we need to address this, but I I really think it would be better for us to go ahead and address this in the morning. So if you're okay with that, I say let's, you know, let's get ready for bed, let's go to bed, and then we'll address this in the morning. So that kind of goes into the next point pin down a time and a place. So, at you've, you need your cool and off period, but you still need to pin down a time. Right, you still need to have that conversation. Be sure that you actually pin down a time and don't postpone indefinitely. Don't be the person that says, oh, I'll take care of that tomorrow, and then tomorrow never comes right.
Speaker 1:Be sure that if you are going to have that cool and off period you know what, babe, I think we need to sleep on this and you know, in the morning, at 930, we can address it. And you might giggle and say, haha, 930. No, I think putting an exact time on it is perfect. So everybody knows, okay, at this point we're going to have this conversation. But you've cooled off, you've had time to process everything, you've had time to maybe some of the, the feelings, the emotions have settled down a bit and you can clearly and concisely discuss the issue and come to you know a productive resolution. So good.
Speaker 2:The next one is stick to the subject. When a number of issues seem to be accumulating, present them one at a time. We need to deal with one thing at a time. People get overloaded if you throw too much at them and then they will get defensive. We all do it. So make sure you're sticking with the subject that you are really trying to deal with at that moment. If you haven't resolved issues in the past, put them on an agenda. Okay, you know what. This issue has nothing to do with these other issues. We will. We will discuss these other issues, but right now this is the issue that I want to discuss Because it's affecting me this way.
Speaker 2:Really important that we don't just pile on and I think we kind of discussed that earlier not just jumbling everything together and then you keep going around and around. There's so many issues, you can't even solve one of them because there's continually more issues coming up as you talk. So stick with your subject, definitely. Also, state the issue honestly and clearly. Don't simply say I'm hurt the way you do, you didn't show me respect, blah, blah, blah. Rather, be clear and specific. Let them know it. Don't get emotionally in charged in this. Be clear.
Speaker 2:I felt hurt when you said this or your tone was condescending when you said this. Your spouse loves you. If you've chosen wisely, if this is your person who's going to be with you for the rest of your life, they want to be better for you, like you want to be better for them. So there's no reason to come at them emotionally, raising your voice, getting upset Because you're not going to get the response and the the outcome that you want, because it's going to make them defensive. So state it clearly.
Speaker 2:I felt hurt when you said this because your tone of voice was really condescending towards me. Or when A happened, I felt B and would have rather had C, like we had talked about before our A, b and C. Make sure that you are clearly, calmly, stating it. I can't say that enough. It's very important in a fight or a disagreement and sometimes you're not going to agree you won't ever reach that. You're going to have to. What do they say? Agree to disagree, but you both should understand where each other are coming from and be willing to allow that disagreement to shape you and help you learn your spouse and not cause more disagreements and more strife in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, because I think when both of you feel heard and understood, even if you still don't agree on the topic, you can move on from there. Right, because you've both been heard and you understand where each other are coming from. But when there's no understanding there's, you know it's and you're just basically trying to force them to to your side of thinking you're going to get nowhere and it's going to continue to just get worse. The next thing don't hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don't use your confidential knowledge of your partner's weaknesses and or sensitivities to hurt him or her. This is key.
Speaker 1:Spouses, partners, people who fight dirty, hit below the belts. There's an MMA boxing. Everybody knows who the dirty fighters are, the ones that are going to try to hit the guy when you know they're. They're clenched together. Where the ref doesn't see it, they're going. They're going to hit under the bell. It's dirty and we've all met those couples. We all know those couples that when they get in that argument that fight, they start using things against their partner, against their spouse, little confidential knowledge that they have about them. Because who knows you more? You know better than anybody else, your spouse, right? You're with each other 24 seven and to use those weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt them. You're just trying to hurt them. It's not about again we say, the difference between somebody a happily married couple and a divorced couple is not that they didn't fight, it's the way they fought and where their fights productive, or were they dirty, and where they mean and where they unproductive. So never hit below the belt.
Speaker 2:And if we, if we use the intimate things that our spouse has told us, these personal things our spouse has told us or revealed to us, or we know from experience, we're ruining the intimacy in our marriage and we're ruining the trust in our marriage. If you can't trust your spouse to hold those things, to guard those things and to not use them against you, it makes it so much harder to trust in any of your other areas. It makes it impossible. So it's not only ruining the fight and you're not fighting and you're not winning either neither of you are winning but you're also damaging your marriage, and sometimes irrevocably. So very important the things that your spouse knows about you and the things that you know about them those are confidential, those are sacred. You should not bring those up in a fight ever.
Speaker 1:So good and don't label. So what do I mean by that? Avoid telling your spouse that he or she is neurotic or depressing or a bore You're boring. Rather, try to and again, this is to address an issue, right? This is to have that productive conversation with them to have.
Speaker 1:If you're noticing that your spouse is depressed, you know those triggers. Don't tell them, man, you're, you're depressing. Tell them, you know, I've noticed in your mood lately that it seems like you may be a little depressed. That's different than telling them they're depressing, right? Yeah, putting a label on them. Tell them, you know, I've noticed a little bit in your mood lately that you're depressed, you know. I'd like to talk about that. How can I help you? What's going on? I know work has been really stressed for this or that. Instead of labeling them depressed or neurotic or crazy, address the issue, but come to them in the right way. Right, it's a much different saying, hey, I've noticed lately that you seem a little depressed. That's different than saying you're depressed or you're depressing, so don't label it. But again, we need to address things, but we want to make sure that we're doing it in the right way.
Speaker 2:Next topic is grant equal time. Agree that no resolution of any issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express her feelings, his feelings, ideas and information. So important that you both give each other a chance to respond. Yeah, state your needs, state what it is you're feeling and then listen to your spouse respond. Don't just jump in and and try to change it. Listen to them respond If they don't really understand. Clarify what it was. Maybe you weren't clear in the beginning. Clarify what it was and sometimes, when your spouse is responding, you start thinking like oh, you know what, I hear what they're saying back and that really wasn't what I was worried about in the first place.
Speaker 2:Here's really what it is and it helps you understand even better what your issue was. So make sure you're both listening, make sure you're both giving each other time, listen when your spouse, when your spouse, responds, make sure that that you're taking the time to hear their feedback as well.
Speaker 1:And just to jump in real quick there. Why is this important? Undoubtedly in the relationship there's one that's a talker and another one that's not so much right. We know opposites attract and we do know also with that. That's scientifically proven. But along with that, I'll just kind of say this real quick and we'll talk about this at some point in our podcast your, your family history, like where you come from. Jen came from a two parent home. When she became a teenager things changed. But in those real formal, formidable years early on to parent home, I came from a single parent home, totally different social economic backgrounds, that kind of stuff. So we have that history how we address things. So I said that says granting that equal time that one person may have grown up in the family that talked, right, they hash things out, and then the other one may come from a family that doesn't talk about anything. They don't talk about their feelings. That's my family.
Speaker 2:They don't talk about nothing.
Speaker 1:We'll have an episode about what they don't talk about, but that's why you need to make sure. Give them that time though, because they have something to say. They just might not be as ready to come out and say it as maybe you are, but they need to have that time to express their feelings.
Speaker 2:The next one is keep your fights to yourselves, oh don't go run into your mama.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no. The exceptions would be when you have something more serious that you both can't seem to get over. Then obviously you would need to get a counselor involved. Good counseling is not a bad thing. It's like a medicine, right? If we had cancer, we would go to the doctors and try to get medicine for cancer. We wouldn't sit there and be like, oh, I can't go to the doctors because you know I don't believe in whatever.
Speaker 2:We need counseling, and mental health is very important, yes, and it's medicine for our minds. It's not something that makes us weaker, it's something that helps us to be stronger. So if you need counseling, it's very important that you get it. It always helps when we have that counseling because there's some things that we're just not going to be able to get over alone in our marriage.
Speaker 2:Sometimes my husband referenced you know, coming from different backgrounds, sometimes it's hard to see things the same way because you're looking at them at a completely different perspective. You have different life experiences and you can't understand why that other person thinks this or thinks that, and if it's something that's causing an issue between both of you, absolutely make sure that you're getting that counseling, but also make sure you're not taking these things to other people, taking them to your family, taking them to your friends, taking them to your coworkers. Your disagreements and your conversations with your spouse should stay between you and your spouse, not your children, not anyone else, because those are sacred times and we've talked about this before, but you don't ever want to bridge that trust and break that trust with your spouse.
Speaker 2:It's very important.
Speaker 1:So good, so good. Well, that's all the time that we have for today. We hope something that we've said has been helpful. Remember the objective is not to ever fight, but the objective is to fight productively. Please subscribe on Spotify, apple podcasts or wherever you enjoy listening to your podcasts and please remember always to like, rate and share. Like, rate and share so we can grow the tens and tens that are listening. And if you ever have any questions or topics that you would like us to discuss tonight's topic actually came from one of our listeners and if you do, if you have a question or you'd like a topic that you'd like us to address, you can text your questions or topics to 747-322-1089. That's 747-322-1089. Or you can call and leave a voicemail at that same number, 747-322-1089. Or you can email the podcast at LoveWorksPodcastatgmailcom.
Speaker 1:And within the next couple of weeks we're hoping to get launched. Our social media presence, our social media footprints so probably an Instagram, maybe a Facebook share some pictures and stories of our family and, just like everyday life, I have the perfect picture. Right now we have this button cake at the house and Rowan wanted to make sure that she had a piece saved, so she put in Ziploc baggie and put it on magnet clips and put it on the refrigerator so everyone knows that that's her cake. So like something like that we can share on social media. And also we're looking to actually do a little bit of video on YouTube. We're thinking about on topics maybe, that we want to spend a little bit more time but don't want to take six hours on a podcast. Maybe do like a little quick 15 minute video, like at work with LoveWorks on YouTube. So keep an eye out for that, this new content.
Speaker 1:And again, please, whenever you view or listen to our content, please like, rate and share. Before we close out, we always like to close out a prayer because, again, we are faith based. But there's a scripture that came to mind when I was kind of putting together our notes for this episode. It's Proverbs 15. One through two. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. So so good.
Speaker 1:So, let's let's close this out and pray. Dear Lord, we thank you for this opportunity to be able to share our heart, some thoughts and insights into marriage and how to fight productively with our listeners tonight. Lord, I pray that something that we've said might help somebody in their marriage, in their relationship, to make it better, to make it productive. Lord, we thank you again for all the wonderful blessings you've given us. Lord, we thank you and we praise you in Jesus, precious name. We pray Amen.
Speaker 2:Amen, so we're closing this out. Always remember love works, so let's get to work.