S2 Ep 10 "How We Pulled Off Our Surprise Elopement" solo episode with Nik Lockhart

Transcript

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Welcome to the love department. Today's episode is a solo episode featuring me, your host, Nick Lockhart. And if you've clicked on it, judging from the title, you guessed it. I'm married. All this season, we have been focusing on all the ways that we join ourselves in matrimony. The union of marriage is something that I have always respected, and it's something that as a society, it really gives us a chance to not only explore our own needs and desires and hopes and dreams, but also to do that in a container for someone else. Marriage is a learning ground. I'm one of those people who can say that they're really fortunate to come from a long lineage of successful, happy marriages. While I know certain aspects of exactly what makes those relationships happy and long-lasting, I'm grateful to have had the example. Because to me, marriage became something worth having. Not to my worth as a person, but to the life journey. And isn't that what love really is? Something worth having. As I've talked to the couples this season, it became really clear to me that weddings have a way of becoming about everything else. You know, they become about the flowers, or they become about the guest list, they become these sort of showcases for love, and that's all well and good. You know, I said in my previous solo episode that I love weddings. I love the big ones, the small ones, I love being able to attend to witness this beautiful moment on behalf of people who found each other and what a big treasure that is. And yet when it came to what I wanted and what my partner also wanted, we never saw ourselves at the center of some fabulous altar. No, we we just saw ourselves together. It was a pretty obvious choice that eloping was the right thing to do. Now, many people asked, weren't your family disappointed? The answer is no. I think they knew each of us well enough to understand that a big wedding just wasn't in the cards for us. And ultimately they were also just happy for us, you know? There was no hesitation on any of their parts to bless our marriage, whether or not it resulted in a wedding that they attended with fancy dinner and champagne. There was something in the spontaneity of eloping that really spoke to who we are as people. I love a good surprise. I have always been a little shy despite having a podcast. And to me, it didn't feel right to be the center of attention on my wedding day. I wanted it to be about us and not about the pomp and circumstance, if that makes sense. There's a tradition in his family of eloping. And to me, eloping allowed us to focus on the sanctity of it. You know, we didn't rush it. It was very thought out, um, though it happened on a Wednesday in September. And as I look back on it now, several months later, I can't imagine it any other way. And so I thought today I would come to you with some tips if you're thinking about eloping. And just some general reflections on this wedding season of the love department. So we opted for a courthouse wedding, something classic, familiar, traditional in some sense. And I think what's really cool about the courthouse is when you go, everyone else who's getting married that day is also there. I saw people in sweatpants and hoodies. I saw people in full regalia with a big poofy dress tuxedo complete with a flower girl. And depending on where you live, there are, of course, certain things that you'll have to do before you get to the courthouse for a ceremony. We had to log online in order to basically meet with the clerk, verify our identity, send some documents and things. And then we got a partially signed wedding certificate, which we then took to the ceremony on the day that we chose as our wedding date. And we signed that document. And that was the legal part of the marriage. It's something you do anyways, if you're going to have a big ceremony. If you're going to be changing your name, I highly suggest listening to the episode with the bride lawyers. They give some excellent tips on where and how to change your name and making sure that you do all of that, particularly, say before you go on your honeymoon, if you choose to go on one, to make sure that all of your documents, licenses, passports reflect your new name. And on the topic of names, I decided to keep my last name. Before getting married and before meeting my partner, I knew I wanted to keep my last name. One because I love it. I think it's a really fantastic last name. It carries so much with it. And I have lived with it my whole life. It was something that I never thought I would lose. And thankfully, my partner is wonderful and said, absolutely, yeah, you keep your last name. So we bypassed having to do the tricky name-changing part of the unionizing. The courthouse was easy, smooth, cheap. I think we paid maybe, I don't know, 75 bucks to get married. And they do allow you to bring a witness to sign your wedding document. We bought two, a very good friend of ours. And we also brought our dog because he's been the best witness to our union and our partnership. And that was really special, honestly, to have our dog there in the courthouse with us in his little bow tie that I made for him out of scraps from my wedding ensemble, which I'll tell you about in a little bit. We also brought two other people, which I highly recommend if you're going to be eloping, to have someone professional to document your day. Again, I'm very fortunate. I have two amazing friends, Brianna Elledge, who runs Luna Wedding Studios, and my friend Manny were there to both photograph and video our wedding day. They came early to our apartment where we were getting ready that day, and we're pretty much able to capture it all from start to finish. Well, at least until dinner. The photos became our way to share with all of our family and friends who were not in attendance for our wedding, the exciting news, and to have them be a part of our ceremony and wedding day. So the number one tip that I will say is to make sure that you have somebody capture something. I don't care if you ask a random person on the street to take some photos, if it's iPhone camera photos, it gives you something to hold on to in the years to come because it's just one day and it goes so fast. That would be my biggest recommendation is to invest in some good photography and video. And the same tip goes if you're having a bigger wedding, especially when you're going to spend money on everything else. The last thing you want is for any images taken on that day to come back to you completely unusable and you don't want to show them to anybody. So I know photographers can be expensive. They have a lot of different packages and things, but I would recommend to you this is not a place that you want to cut corners and be mindful of your budget. So back to our wedding day, we had a really wonderful selection of vendors, if you will. Eloping gives you the chance, I think, to scale back on all of the extra things, but to really invest in things that are important to you. I knew that I needed hair and makeup. I'm not the best at doing either of them for myself. If you are fantastic, go for it. Do your own hair and makeup. But I selected two wonderful, wonderful partners to come with me on the morning of my wedding. They came to our apartment. We had coffee, desserts that my fiance's soon-to-be husband went out and got for us. I really would love to shout out Kelly Novobielski, who is a dear friend and a master of hairs, all types, all shades. He is a sweet soul who I've known for years and couldn't think of anyone else to be with me on my wedding day morning. His wedding hair was stunning. We came up with the concept together. He told me what to purchase in terms of extensions, and he fully just got behind my vision for what I wanted. I'll link information below for Novo Bridal Beauty. He does travel. He's done weddings all over the country, and he's just a gym. Honestly, he will lighten your whole morning, even though it was kind of gray and over guessed that day. We had sunshine because he is literal sunshine. The second person who was there was the makeup artist, Natalie. Natalie is one of the co-owners of NL Bridal by Tranquility. The spa is based in New Jersey, but she was willing to travel into the city to do my makeup for the day. I was a little bit nervous because I don't know about you, but I think my biggest fear was I didn't want to not look like myself on my wedding day. I met Natalie at a bridal event. I met her. She was lovely. We had the same initials. And what was also really amazing was that morning we discovered all three of us had eloped at City Hall. Natalie, Kelly, and myself. And it was just a really cozy vibe in the apartment that morning. And Natalie was a huge part of that. I mean, she was quick. I looked gorgeous. And I looked like myself. And I don't know if you've ever gotten your makeup done, but when you get ready to go to bed at night and you have that feeling of, I don't want to take this off because I look so pretty, that was how I felt. I think I actually might have left the lashes on and wore them to work the next day. So again, and this is something we talked about with Tracy and Eddie in their episode and also with Jay and Abby. Picking your vendors and making sure that you're working with people who want to be a part of your wedding day is just, it makes a world of difference. So having vendors that you feel like are there to love and support you and not only that, but to do their best work as artists and service persons. It made the day really meaningful. I will also link Natalie's information below. And if you are in the area and you're looking for some great spa treatment, um, makeup, hair, she pretty much does it all. Tip number three for when you're planning a wonderful surprise elopement is to make your plan for after. We really value food as a couple, and a good dining experience is very important to us. So we knew that we wanted to go for a great meal after we got married at City Hall. One of those places in New York City for us is Corner Bar. What an amazing restaurant. First of all, I love Chef Jose Andreas. I think all of his restaurants are at the top of my list for recommendations if you're ever in NYC. And I really didn't do a lot of work here. I just called the restaurant, told them, you know, I'm getting married and we're would like to have dinner around five o'clock. And we showed up to the restaurant after bidding our lovely photo and video two-man crew goodbye. And were met immediately with two beautiful glasses of this delicious rose champagne. The staff were so excited and complimentary. Um they had secured a private table for us. Even though the restaurant's kind of small, they made it very secluded and we actually didn't sit next to anyone. They put the other patrons on the other side of the restaurant so that we could kind of enjoy our day and just have a moment to take it all in, I guess. From the moment we sat down, they really took care of us. I mean, they made a dish that wasn't even on the menu anymore simply because I asked. The manager of the bar came out with these delicious martinis and stories about his own elopement at City Hall. And it just in true New York fashion, it was full of surprises. They went above, above and beyond. They treated us like family, and that's what we were becoming. We were becoming a family that day. And I am already looking forward to going back on our one-year anniversary, maybe. And so I highly recommend to you, if you have time after your ceremony, to just build in a little bit of debre, you know, some time where it can be special still, but to reflect, to enjoy each other's company, and to breathe in the day and the moment. And so, as I said, elopements are a wonderful surprise. They keep things very intimate, um, and they can be extremely special. So when we were ready to tell family and friends, we knew we wanted to do it in person. Um, so it just so happened that we had a family trip coming up to see my family. His parents were also coming into town shortly thereafter, and we had this annual dinner party that we do with friends that we were able to tell all of our special groups in person. And it was great. I felt like everyone respected that we did our wedding our way. Nobody was upset that they were not invited. Because at the end of the day, one thing I've learned this season is to do your wedding your way. You can't please everybody. In fact, you're not supposed to. As long as your wedding is pleasing to you and your partner, it will be full of meaning and something that you are able to look back on fondly. Now, just because you're eloping does not mean that you need to let go of certain traditions if you don't want to. I had something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. The old piece was a vintage necklace that was actually about the same age as my wedding band, which I mentioned I got from Pippin, a jewelry store in New York City. It was about a hundred years old. And this may just be me and my superstitions, but I've always felt that your something old is in some ways an omen for how long your marriage will last. So if you're listening to this episode, honey, I'm gunning for a hundred years at least. For something new, I actually went with a perfume. And this was a trend that I saw on Instagram, where your scent memory is one of the strongest of your senses. Meaning that wearing a new perfume on your wedding day, for instance, would help you recall the day on any occasions that you wore it afterwards. And every time I, you know, put a little bit on my wrist or behind my ear, it reminds me of our wedding day. For something borrowed, I actually borrowed from Tracy and Eddie's wedding. You may recall from our episode this season that I was their officiant at their wedding. They had these really adorable sun parasols because it was the middle of summer in the countryside of France. So I borrowed it. I held on to it for a month or so and have some really great shots with it. And I think it was also just kind of my way of wanting to have our friends with us on our day. And when it came to something blue, I also went a little bit non-traditional. I've always loved a French manicure, and one of the things that I will do sometimes is to add a color to the tip instead of just a white. So blue was the tip of my nails. It was a nice light blue shade. If I could remember exactly the shade, I would tell you. But it was subtle, it was sophisticated, and it was the perfect way to add a touch of blue to our wedding day. And with that, I'd like to say that traditions can be a really wonderful way to make your elopement feel like a wedding, right? There are things that we do when we get married that we don't do every day. For me and for us, one of the things we did was to jump the broom. I'm of African American descent. And given the history of slavery in the United States of America, jumping the broom was what people of color did in order to signify that they had joined in union, that they were legally married when they could not legally marry. And I won't say exactly what we did and how this story unfolded. You'll have to subscribe to our Substack if you want to read a little bit about how we chose to do that. But it was important to me to be able to honor my heritage in this way. And we also did something at the end of the night to honor his heritage. I think keeping traditions and finding ways to make them your own are important, even if you're eloping, to find something to bring in that makes the moment more memorable. And so it is. One thing from my wedding, from all the couples that we've listened to, it would be to do your wedding your way. Nobody else's way, do it yours. There are so many moments, and yeah, it's really tempting sometimes to want to go over the top or to to listen to outside voices or opinions. But man, if you can manage to listen to your heart, listen to your partner's heart, communicate together what it is that you want from your wedding, you'll be that much more able to do it in your marriage and live that and walk that out every day together. Because it's just you doing it together. If monogamy is the choice that you want to make, make it. And I think monogamy is not just about who you allow, picking one person for the rest of your life, but I think it's also about sanctioning yourself from those outside voices or influences or pressures and just making it about you. If you can keep that on your wedding day and in your marriage, you will be very happy indeed. Another thing is that you Don't have to overspend on your wedding. But it's okay if you do. Listen, big or small, weddings have a cost. And I remember, I think specifically when it came to hair and makeup, I was tempted to not spend there. But looking back, I'm so glad I did. Um, one, because it really started the day off on a relaxed foot. I could just focus on the fact that I was getting married and not whether or not my eyeliner was perfectly straight. It made the photos look that much better because I was perfectly made up. Even if everything else on the wedding day didn't go perfect, I knew that I had surrounded myself with support. And I think investing in the support to make your day the best as it possibly can be is a game changer. But just know that budgets are meant to be broken. Sorry for all you financial gurus out there, but I don't think anybody looks back on their wedding day and says, man, I'm so glad we were on budget. No, you're going to be thinking about the smiles on your face and the faces of people that you love. You're going to be thinking about how delicious the food was or any of the other experiences that you build into the day for yourself and for your family and friends. You're going to be thinking about how wonderful those things are. I think Eddie said it best in their episode, which is you might overspend by a couple thousand dollars. But if you divide that up and individually place it with the people that you love that are there attending your wedding, and you think about the nominal cost to making each one of them a little bit happier, a little bit more comfortable, giving them a little bit more joy on that day, it's worth it. So don't hold yourself so religiously to a budget because that is just going to cause financial stress. And financial stress, we know, is one of the number one reasons for divorce. It's one of the number one reasons why um couples lose connection. So this is not an endorsement to go over your budget for your wedding day. But if you do, just know it'll be okay. It will. I promise. And on that same note, don't shortchange yourself. Do what you can do and do it with what you already have. One of my vendors that I forgot to mention is the lovely Natalie of NK Bride. Um, they're based in Williamsburg in Brooklyn, New York, and she's in a phenomenal tailor. I bought this very cheap. I think I paid $80 for this suit that was vintage from the 80s. It needed some tailoring, okay? The shoulder pads were shouldering, and it was one size too big, but I knew that this was what I wanted to wear on my wedding day. I went wedding dress shopping with my mom and sister, but a dress just didn't feel like what I wanted to wear to the courthouse. I wanted to feel very modern, a little bit Carrie Bradshaw, if I'm honest. And to do that, I knew I needed to get it tailored. I spent 80 bucks on the suit, but I spent $500 on the tailoring. Not at all cheap, but so very worth it. I think we did the whole thing over the process of about three or four fittings. It's just such a special thing to have in my closet now that I can pull out and wear. But I say that to say it's not about how much you spend on things, as long as they're the right things. I'm pretty handy. And so I made a bow tie for our dog out of the scraps that the tailor gifted me. I bought tool from a fabric store and sewed it on the crown of a $50 hat that I bought from Etsy. And sure, I could have made it a little bit easier for myself if I had just maybe gone out and bought something. But I knew that I was a crafty person and I wanted to have something with me on my wedding day that I made, you know, that expressed my creativity that was just for this occasion. I don't know what you can do, but I do know you're capable. I do know that if you can sing, sing a song to your partner on your wedding day, if you can write, write vows or a letter. Everyone in this world has something that they can bring. And for me, I really wanted that to be a part of my wedding experience. If you're going to be having a wedding soon, big or small, eloping or in a cathedral, the other thing I would remind you to do is to not lose track of each other in this day and in the planning process. Weddings are a one-day event. Every day of our lives, except for the first and the last are 24 hours. And I know it's tempting that when you meet the love of your life, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. To quote the famous Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally. But if you'll bear with me, I'd like to say that the rest of your life has already started. It's already here. Each day that you've spent together, each moment that you've built together. And I think Mario and Misha in their episode really spoke to that, which is every day is an outing. Every day is a wedding day, in a way. It's really easy to get caught up, to want to rush, to make these plans, to let the plans become bigger than the budget, to let the budget go out of the window and to want to build this castle of a day when really it should be just about the two of you. And again, this applies to weddings of all sizes. So as you're going through the process of planning a wedding, I recommend a lot of time together, just dreaming, thinking about your future and all the other things that you want to do in all the days that will follow. Starting your marriage with the sense that the two of you are the center. That will help keep you together when you disagree on place settings, when you are trying to pick a honeymoon destination, when all the other things that go wrong on a wedding day, when they do go wrong, we definitely had things that did not go exactly to plan. But the stories really make the day, as we heard over and over again this season. You know, these little bumps in the road will mean nothing to you as long as you keep you and your partner at the center. And that is applicable for your wedding day and every day that follows. I really want to thank you all for being a part of the Love Department season two. I can't believe it has been a year since launching this podcast and this platform. The mission of the Love Department is for us to endeavor together to find and develop a thesis of love. And I'm struck by something we heard from several couples this season. And that is that love is the sum of two extremes the beauty and the pain, the madness and the sane. Not that love is independent of any of these things. It's not one or the other. It's both in sickness and in health, and richer and poorer. I do think it curious that all the men this season seem to find the harder parts of love the parts worth noting when I ask them what has love taught you. And the women would often comment on love's more tender qualities. But if I know one thing, it is that what you focus on multiplies. We see it every day, right? We see it in situations or in people where what we choose to see and what we choose affects not only how we feel about it, but what we do about it. So if you're, for instance, planning a wedding, and that wedding ends up on a day that has a terrible rainstorm, look for the rainbows. You can't avoid the rain in life. And you damn sure can't call God to ask him to knock it off just because it's your wedding day. But learning to embrace the season that you're in, the day as it comes, that is evidence of a life well lived. And I believe a life that leads to everlasting love. Love is acceptance. Love is creation. Love is community. Love is bigger than just one day. Man, I am really sad the season is over, I gotta say. It's been awesome to have you be a part of my journey as down the aisle to learn from these couples that have been so gracious with their time and their stories. And I feel like we're just beginning to scratch the surface of what love in the context of marriage looks like. Who knows? Maybe next season I'll bring on a few more people to share this part of the journey. Thank you again to our love department listeners. You are an awesome community, and I'm so appreciative for all of your well-wishes, for all of your support, and each time that you listen this season, go back and listen to some of the episodes. They are filled with wisdom. Um, again, if you would like to know how we broke tradition and remade it on our wedding day, you can head over to Substack and read the article on the Love Department titled Jumping the Broom. And as always, if you or someone you know has a wonderful love story, we are going to be casting for season three, which will air later this year. So head over to love-department.com and I will meet you there. Okay, that's it. Thank you again for listening to the Love Department. I'm your host, Mrs. Nick Lockhart. And I wish you love.